Abstract
In Memory Eternal: Living with Grief as Orthodox Christians, Chaplain Sarah Byrne-Martelli focuses on how faith informs the way Orthodox Christians cope with grief. I chose to read this book because I am an Orthodox Christian, and one of the things that attracted me the most to the field of hospice and palliative medicine is my spirituality. Although this book offers insight into how the Orthodox navigate grief, I believe it is valuable for anyone who is grieving, as grief is universal.
Learning how to live with grief is the key message of this book. In American society, the normal expectation is for people to “get over” grief. However, Byrne-Martelli thinks we should reject this notion and I could not agree more. The objective should not be to get over grief and forget the deceased, but rather to learn how to carry it. The author emphasizes this by saying, “Repeat this with me. The only way out of deep grief is through it.”
To that end, the concepts of “bright sadness” and “joyful sorrow” permeate the book. I love the juxtaposition of these terms and think they serve as an example of the wisdom of the Orthodox tradition. People weep for those they have lost not only because they loved them dearly, but also because the loss can serve as a reminder of hope and life, encapsulated in the idea that “those who have died are alive in Christ!” As a hospice physician, I have laughed and cried with patients and their families. Despite the difficulty surrounding a death, it always brought me joy to see families gather to honor their loved one and support one another.
Several secular theories of grief are described in the book, including the pivotal work by Dr. Kubler-Ross. However, Byrne-Martelli explains that grief often does not fit into these devised stages. Moreover, she argues that while secular theories of grief can be helpful, people benefit the most when dealing with grief through the lens of their own faith. She considers one of the best secular theories that of “continuing bonds” from the 1996 book of that name by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman. Unlike linear stages of grief, “continuing bonds” refers to having an ongoing relationship with the deceased and is most similar to what Orthodox Christians already practice through their traditions.
Byrne-Martelli describes many tools that the Orthodox Church uses to comfort the grieving. Simple as it is, one of the dearest tools the Orthodox have is the language used to talk about the deceased. When someone dies in the Orthodox Church, it is customary to say, “May his/her memory be eternal.” This is an acknowledgment that the deceased will always be remembered by their loved ones and by God. The author also explains how Orthodox Christians keep relationships with those who have died by private prayer. This includes praying to God to have mercy on the deceased, asking for the deceased to pray to God for us, and acknowledging their names in memorials.
As every individual can grieve differently, even within the same faith tradition, Byrne-Martelli chose to interview 20 Orthodox Christians to better understand the nuances in practices. There were some common themes among the experiences, including that all the interviewees prayed for their deceased loved ones. Most of the interviewees also shared that they have ongoing experiences with visual objects, or that certain music can trigger memories that they find meaningful.
The Orthodox funeral service focuses on prayer, lamentations, and the importance of repentance. Byrne-Martelli emphasizes that this service does not downplay grief, nor is it an attempt to tell people that they will return to normalcy right away. Rather, the Orthodox funeral service suggests “mystery”, which she finds similarly described in the famous C.S. Lewis book, A Grief Observed. In the traditional practice, there are multiple memorial services that occur following someone’s death, including on the 3rd day, on the 9th day, on the 40th day, and annual memorials from then on. These cyclical remembrances provide comfort to the bereaved and exemplify how the deceased are continually being remembered by the entire community. As Byrne-Martelli says, “What a practical way to revisit our grief in the safety of the Church!” The last section of the book offers a weekly guide on how to conduct a Memory Eternal Bereavement Group. Byrne-Martelli acknowledges how having a weekly schedule and regimen can be comforting to those who are grieving.
Byrne-Martelli concludes by offering a list of statements that should or should not be said to a grieving person. In some ways, this is the most immediately practical part of the book. My husband who is a Family Practitioner read this list and now always keeps a copy with him in case he encounters a patient who is grieving. “I don’t know what you are going through, but I’m here to listen” is one example of an appropriate response to numerous situations. Also, based on the advice provided in the book, he has stopped saying things such as, “everything will be okay.” The author points out, “it’s easy for you to say that, and it may be true. But right now, everything is not okay.”
This highly recommended book describes a grief tradition that is over 2000 years old, promotes cultural competence in caring for Orthodox Christians, and contains practical advice on how to appropriately speak to grieving patients. I believe that anyone working within palliative medicine will find something of value within its pages.