Theology of Family Today: Contemporary Struggles and Future Promise

The Irish Context as a Window into the Synod on the Family

There is some evidence that Irish families associate church teaching on family with judgment and seek to get out from under its reach. ⁵ If so, they are not unique. In my experience, when Catholic parishes or colleges host an event on Catholicism and the family, many assume the topic will attract a larger audience than a lecture on Scripture or the environmental crisis. Often the crowd is smaller than expected. People will come to hear about Pope Francis, the future of the Church, or social justice but they are less likely to attend when the subject is theological reflection on the home. Surveys of Catholics completed in advance of the Synod on the Family of 2014 and 2015 suggest that many are troubled by teaching on the family because in it they find more rules and judgment than wisdom and mercy. ⁶ Moreover, the Catholic ideal of the ‘holy family’ may stand in the way of the church’s best efforts to invite families into theological reflection on their lives. It is not just the seemingly perfect Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, but the images of families that grace the covers of Catholic magazines and the actual families that are most likely to be asked to carry up the Offertory gifts on Sundays. These iconic and real-life models of holiness can alienate those who feel their households will never compare. The models of perfection and lists of rules that constitute Catholic teaching on the family for many can be deeply unattractive.

The Synod on the Family was in part an attempt to combat this problem. Instead of the judgment many Catholics associate with family life, synod documents spoke of a ‘gospel of the family’ and the mercy of God which the church is called to manifest. ⁷ The synod began by listening to Catholics talk about their family relationships in relation to their faith. Surveys distributed around the world asked people what they knew about Catholic teaching, whether they understood and believed it, and what they needed from the church. ⁸ At the synod, the bishops took the results of the surveys into their deliberations. Notably, Pope Francis, though known for re-centering the church on environment and the poor, chose to utilize the powerful instrument of the synod to bring attention to the family. Perhaps he knew that if he wanted the church to ‘go to the margins’ and become a ‘field hospital,’ he would first need to assure that Catholics felt welcome inside its doors. ⁹ He had to shift the message from judgment and rules to welcome, accompaniment, and mercy.

Yet before, during, and after the synod, this focus proved to be controversial. Responses diverged on the question of what was most needed in the current moment: mercy or truth. Some Catholic writers suggested that the new tone and accompanying pastoral practices could contradict or water down Catholic teaching on marriage and become a source of scandal. ¹⁰ Others stressed the healing brought to the faithful by the Pope’s insistent refrain, ‘No closed doors. No closed doors!’ ¹¹ Some worry that the teaching on marriage is being eroded. ¹² Others stress that, so far, mercy has inspired only minor changes in pastoral practice, rather than adaptations in moral teaching, even as more Catholics walk away from a church wedded to teachings that can seem untethered to reality. ¹³

How can this tension be mediated? The 2018 World Meeting of Families in Dublin took up the task of working through the tension, not by encouraging debate on controversial issues but by choosing as its logo an image of a family ‘walking together’ without leaving anyone behind. Rather than concentrating on the controversial chapter eight of Pope Francis’s apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia (which includes the controversial footnote opening the door to Eucharist for the divorced and remarried), the meeting would emphasize the more pastoral chapters two, three, and four. ¹⁴ Preparatory materials from the meeting website quoted Pope Francis, ‘I wish to underline how important it is for families to ask themselves often if they live based on love, for love and in love.’ ¹⁵ This focus may seem to be sidestepping controversy, but arguably it gets right to the heart of contemporary struggles to balance mercy and truth. Catholics must discern how best to affirm a vision for families while ‘walking together.’

Contemporary Catholic Vision of the Family

What is the truth that the church seeks to communicate about the family today? Some might argue it is ‘the gospel of the family.’ The 2018 World Meeting of Families took as its theme the ‘gospel of the family.’ ¹⁶ Interestingly enough, when the phrase surfaced in discussions prior to the synod, many were confused. Cardinal Walter Kasper spoke on the topic at the Vatican in the fall of 2014 and later published the text of his remarks in a short book. He claims not to be breaking new ground but only to be expressing something that is ancient and yet ‘always new.’ ¹⁷ In a sense, this is true. Many church documents link together the creation accounts in Genesis, the golden rule (Matt 7:12, 22:40; Luke 6:31), the ten commandments, the Holy Family, the story of the wedding at Cana (John 2:1–12), images of Jesus as bridegroom, Jesus’ teaching on divorce, and the household codes in Pauline letters (Colossians 3:18–4:1, Ephesians 5:21–6:9, 1Peter 2:18–3:7). Yet there is something new about calling all of this a ‘gospel of the family,’ especially since it seems to imply that family life is central to the gospel.

Even Kasper admits that the import of earthly marriage is ‘relativized’ because Jesus ‘demanded a readiness to forsake marriage and family (Matthew 10:37) and, from those to whom the gift was given, celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 9:12).’ ¹⁸ But not much is made of this, let alone the notable lack of focus on the family in the gospels. Kasper simply claims that the ‘new family of brothers and sisters (Matthew 12:48–50; 19:27–29)’ is there to support and carry each other, and moves on. ¹⁹

In a cultural context in which marriage has become more difficult to choose and sustain, it may be crucial to find and emphasize all of the affirmation the gospel of family has to offer. Still, this strategy seems to gloss over the lack of attention to family in the most foundational of Christian texts. In fact, even the most familiar and oft-quoted Scripture passages are not especially affirming of family. The Genesis creation narratives give us hints of marital intimacy (‘one flesh union’), equality (‘bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh’), and generativity (‘be fruitful and multiply’), but not a detailed portrait of lifelong marriage or a vision of a loving family. The wedding at Cana has more to do with Jesus and Mary than marriage.

Cardinal Kasper works with this tradition by emphasizing the positive and adding what he calls elsewhere ‘the gospel of mercy’ to the canon of the ‘gospel of the family.’ ²⁰ Genesis 1–2 and Ephesians 5:22–33 must be balanced with stories of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1–11) and the women at the well (John 4:1–26). For Kasper, to understand the gospel as it relates to family is to see the beauty of the ideal while remembering that ‘however far a human being may fall, he or she never falls deeper than God’s mercy can reach.’ ²¹ Yet even this new gospel vision has precious little content. There is no full-blown theology of the family in the gospel.

There is still a lot of work to be done to fill out this emerging vision of the family. Organizers of the World Meeting of Families in 2018 seemed cognizant of this challenge. Speakers addressed the struggles of families, including poverty, migration, parenting, incarceration, and domestic violence. ²² In addition to the internal problems of families, the meeting focused on how families might turn outward, strengthen the social order, provide ‘a key to peace in a turbulent world,’ and lead the way to a sustainable future. ²³ These are lofty claims, yet this is the heart of contemporary Catholic vision for families: Marriage as a deeply personal, life-long, outward-facing union of two imperfect people committed to love and justice.

Catholic social teaching (CST) connects love to justice by linking families to the social order. Attention to social structures that harm families is evident in section two of Amoris Laetitia on ‘Experiences and Challenges of the Family,’ and includes acknowledgement of financial instability, lack of decent housing, migration, poverty, and work-related stress. The response to these challenges, as with internal challenges already discussed, is mercy and accompaniment. Local churches are tasked with figuring out the details of how to allow these realities to shape their approaches to family ministry. So truth and mercy are linked together again.

But in contemporary Catholic social thought, the family is not only the recipient of social concern; it has a social mission. Family is called the ‘first cell’ of society, a ‘school of deeper humanity,’ and the ‘domestic church.’ It plays a key role in stabilizing the social order, forming virtuous citizens, and contributing to a more just and peaceful world. Families also have rights to a society that enables their flourishing. These connections between family and society have marked CST from its very beginnings. Pope Francis amplifies the existing connections in CST between family and society by drawing attention to social forces that tear families apart and by calling families to focus less on themselves and more on those in need. Amoris Laetitia does this by building on other key Catholic social documents. This wisdom too, Catholics have to share.

Gaudium et Spes situates the family in the context of the opening of the church to the modern world. It is first of five dimensions of the modern world to be considered. The document moves outward from family to culture, to economic and social life, to national politics, and finally to international relations. When family is called a ‘school for deeper humanity’ and ‘the foundation of society’ and placed in fundamental relation to other spheres of society, the public significance of love and care are underlined. ²⁴

Familiaris Consortio continues this trajectory, announcing itself as an exhortation ‘on the role of the Christian family in the modern world.’ Its structure, too, is important. John Paul II gives families four tasks: building a communion of love, serving life, participating in the development of society, and contributing to the mission of the Church. ²⁵ In his description of the third task, the connection between family and society could hardly be stronger. The pope insists, ‘far from being closed in on itself, the family is by nature and vocation open to other families and to society, and undertakes its social role.’ ²⁶ He talks about how families have an indispensable role as a humanizing influence and claims that family is where most learn about ‘relationships marked by respect, justice, dialogue, and love.’ ²⁷ Though raising children is a crucial dimension of the family’s work, ‘the social role of the family cannot stop short at procreation and education.’ ²⁸ The pope calls families to political involvement, claims that families need and deserve social support, and asks the Church to respond to the needs of families in difficult circumstances, such as migrants, the incarcerated, the homeless, and refugees. ²⁹

In the most promising section of Amoris Laetitia, ‘Love Made Fruitful,’ Pope Francis offers an expansive understanding of the fruitfulness that is an essential mark of family life. ‘Families should not see themselves as a refuge from society, but instead go forth from their homes in a spirit of solidarity with others . . . [to] become a hub for integrating persons . . .’ ³⁰ They are to allow Matthew 25:40, Luke 14:12–14, and 1 Corinthians 11: 17–34 to shape their home, their feasts, and their way of being in the world. ³¹ There is beautiful language linking love and justice here, including a poem by Mario Benedetti:

Your hands are my caress,

The harmony that fills my days.

I love you because your hands

Work for justice.

If I love you, it is because you are

My love, my companion and my all,

And on the street, side by side,

We are much more than just two. ³²

Contemporary Catholic teaching on the family points to how society limits or enlarges the possibilities of families and insists that love is not meant to be insular but overflowing. Francis echoes the tradition in recognizing the struggles families face and calling them to more. The radical message to which Francis is calling individuals is far more interesting than the domesticated image of family that is more popular and more familiar in Catholic piety and institutional spaces. The challenge is figuring out how to become a church that upholds this vision while ‘walking together’ with families, welcoming, accompanying, and practicing mercy.

What Does It Mean to Welcome?

Contemporary Catholic theology on the family is slowly becoming more welcoming. synod surveys showed that most Catholics, regardless of their support for the ideal vision of the family, want the church to be more welcoming to all families. ³³ There is a strong sense that the church can and must do better. Pope Francis has called the church to open its doors without judgment, to be a community that ‘cares for the grain and does not grow impatient at the weeds.’ ³⁴ Throughout his papacy, in interviews, documents, and gestures, he has exuded welcome. His consistency on this count has earned him the praise of most Catholics, while alienating a significant conservative minority. ³⁵

Pope Francis’s welcome has extended to people who identify as LGBTQ. In response to a journalist’s question about the morality of a gay person, Pope Francis famously said, ‘Who am I to judge?’ In an interview in America magazine, he explained, ‘A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: “Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?” We must always consider the person.’ ³⁶ Rather than emphasizing the harmfulness of efforts to legalize same sex marriage, as did his predecessors, he focuses on encounter. He has said the church should apologize to gay people for marginalizing them and should do a better job of accompanying them. ³⁷ He cautioned against using church teachings as ‘stones to throw at people’s lives.’ ³⁸ He said that if a gay person comes before Jesus, ‘Jesus will certainly not say, “Go away because you are homosexual.”’ ³⁹ He has spoken of his own experience ministering to gay and lesbian Christians, visiting a gay friend and former student when he was in the US, and has invited members of the LGBTQ community to talk with him. ⁴⁰ In one conversation, he seemed to suggest that gay people are created as they are by God. ⁴¹ In speaking, he typically uses the phrase ‘gay person’ rather than the phrase ‘same sex attracted.’ ⁴²

However, Francis has also been a firm advocate of gender complementarity and a critic of what he calls ‘gender theory’ or ‘gender ideology,’ by which he seems to mean the idea that someone’s gender expression as feminine or masculine can be completely distinguished from that person’s biological sex as male or female. He has compared gender theory to ‘a nuclear bomb’ because of its potential to destroy the natural order, and insisted that it is ‘part of a global war trying to destroy marriage,’ ‘a great enemy of marriage today,’ a form of ‘ideological colonization’ by which the global North tries to impose its views on the more traditional global South. ⁴³ He has even suggested that gender transition is ‘a new sin’ for with it, ‘the image of God is being annihilated.’ ⁴⁴ Most of the commentary on gender theory is from interviews rather than official documents, though there are some key passages in his writings that reinforce the seriousness of his concerns and his commitment to leaving Catholic moral teaching on sex and gender unchanged. ⁴⁵

It is worth noting, however, that there was some suggestive debate about gay relationships during the synod in 2014. The original draft of a document presented at the midpoint of deliberations, was remarkable for its positive treatment of gays and lesbians. In a section titled ‘Welcoming Homosexual Persons,’ the document recognized that gay and lesbian persons ‘have gifts and qualities to offer to the Church,’ asked if Catholic communities were ready to welcome them, called for reflection on ‘realistic paths of affective growth,’ and noted that some same sex partners practice mutual, self-sacrificial love that is worthy of admiration. ⁴⁶ Notably missing were condemnations of same sex marriage, the language of ‘disordered inclination,’ strong reaffirmation of gender complementarity, suggestions that same sex couples and other married couples have nothing in common. ⁴⁷ Notably present were the appreciation of gifts gay people bring, terms such as ‘partners’ which had never before appeared in Catholic documents, and suggestions that pastoral treatment of gay and lesbian members of Catholic communities could be adapted. ⁴⁸

However, when the final report from the synod was released, the paragraph on gays and lesbians had been significantly modified. The controversial claim from the 1986 documents of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith that same sex unions are not ‘in any way similar or even remotely analogous to God’s plan for marriage and family’ was quoted, and the language of ‘pastoral attention’ and ‘homosexual tendencies’ replaced the more progressive terms used in the midterm report. Still, the document affirmed that LBGTQ persons ‘ought to be received with respect and sensitivity’ and called for rejection of ‘unjust discrimination.’ ⁴⁹

The bishops at the synod voted on each paragraph of the final report, and the paragraph on gay persons was one of the few not to receive the two-thirds majority necessary to pass. It is not clear how many bishops voted against it because it went too far, and how many opposed it because it did not go far enough. Still, the content of the midterm report, as well as Pope Francis’s comments relevant to this issue, have now become part of the discourse of the church on gay persons, a discourse which is still in progress, despite the fact that Pope Francis followed the synod final document in Amoris Laetita, declining to expand Catholic teaching on this issue. ⁵⁰

The dialogue on LGBTQ Catholics that began at the synod is a piece of the larger conversation about how the church can have a more welcoming pastoral practice for all its members. In Evangelii Gaudium, Pope Francis characterizes the church as a ‘missionary disciple’ which continues to grow in part through encounters with the sciences, philosophy, theology, and pastoral practice. The church is not, he says, a ‘monolith of doctrine . . . with no room for nuance,’ but a growing body ever seeking new ways to express ‘the inexhaustible richness of the gospel.’ ⁵¹

The Synod on the Family, along with Francis’s meetings, gestures, and language, can be viewed as reflective of his desire to welcome made concrete in his insistence on meeting people where they are, engaging in dialogue, and being open to pastoral change, not saying, ‘We have always done it this way,’ but daring to be ‘bold and creative.’ ⁵²

The work of Fr James Martin, SJ on bridging divides between the church and the LGBTQ Catholic community is a parallel effort that is expanding the ability of the church to welcome. Martin draws on the Catechism’s teaching that Catholics are to treat LGBTQ persons with respect, sensitivity, and compassion, and suggests that doing this well will mean re-examining many ordinary practices of Catholic institutions. ⁵³ His concrete proposals include acknowledging the presence of LGBTQ Catholics, calling people what they wish to be called, and treating sexual sins equally. Despite ongoing controversy, Martin’s work is shaping the Catholic conversation today. His 248,000 Twitter followers, best-selling book translated into four languages, sold out speaking engagements, endorsement by bishops and cardinals, lack of censure, and standing-room only address at the 2018 World Meeting of Families, all suggest he is acting with tacit Vatican approval, and that many Catholics are receiving what he has to say. ⁵⁴ Martin is advocating respect, inclusion, and compassion, not a change in church teaching, but his proposals represent a sea change in Catholic pastoral practice.

Martin’s work is taking place in the midst of great cultural changes that are making Catholic teaching and practice appear more problematic. As same sex marriage becomes legal in more places and public spaces of acceptance multiply, more Catholics are coming to object to the firings of gay teachers and to claims that it is not sinful to be gay but it is sinful for gay persons to express their love to a person of the same sex. As they come to know more about transgender persons, more questions arise about the stability and fluidity of gender, the import of language, and need for acceptance. Even in more traditional Catholic spaces where celibacy is expected, LGBTQ identity is often embraced, and new conversations are taking place. ⁵⁵ Many Catholics are beginning to understand that ecclesial spaces can be experienced as hostile both by LGBTQ Catholics and by their friends, families, and allies. ⁵⁶ In this new moment of coming to understand LGBTQ identity and personhood, the church is struggling with what it means to authentically welcome those whose actions are at odds with some (though certainly not all) key aspects of its vision of family. To be sure, to welcome does not mean to accept everything a person does. The church’s role is to challenge as well as comfort. Nonetheless more Catholics are coming to believe that current practice fails at the welcome it claims to offer, and they are thinking together about what sort of alternatives might be possible.

What Does It Mean to Accompany?

Along with welcoming, accompaniment has been a hallmark of Francis’s papacy. He spoke about it in his early interview with Antonio Spadaro, integrated it into his updating of fundamental moral theology in Evangelii Gaudium, encouraged reflection on it during the Synod on the Family, and made it a central theme in Amoris Laetitia. Though not previously used in moral theology or theology of marriage and the family, today it is impossible to talk about Catholic moral teaching without talking about accompaniment. Yet figuring out what authentic accompaniment means remains difficult.

In Evangelium Gaudium, we begin to get a sense of the pope’s vision of accompaniment. The term is more commonly associated with Latin American theology and is often used in the context of service or immersion trips. It means to be there for another person or to walk with them. It is not trying to solve someone’s problems or preach, but taking time to listen to and suffer with someone in need, as you gradually find ways to help one another. We can see a reflection of this vision in the pope’s claim that to accompany is to ‘remove our sandals before the sacred ground of the other.’ ⁵⁷ His centering of persons over rules requires humility. ‘One who accompanies others has to realize that each person’s situation before God and their life in grace are mysteries which no one can fully know from without. The Gospel tells us to correct others and to help them to grow on the basis of a recognition of the objective evil of their actions (cf. Mt 18:15), but without making judgments about their responsibility and culpability (cf. Mt 7:1; Lk 6:37).’ ⁵⁸ This is true also for families, when they are joyful and when they are struggling. In both situations, it is crucial that families feel the church is with them.

Even though accompaniment is arguably the core of Amoris Laetitia, it has largely been ignored in academic Catholic theological writing on family in the last five years, except when invoked to argue for or against more latitude in particular situations, especially for the divorced and remarried. ⁵⁹ But accompaniment is more than this. It is a response to the broader crisis of the family. As more people are asking: ‘Why get married? Why stay married? How can difficult marriages be saved? What does good marriage look like? What can we expect? Can we do better?’ the imperative of finding better ways to walk with people in their difficulties is increasingly evident.

In Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis tries to accompany people by providing both an argument for marriage and a virtue ethic designed to enable more people to live marriage well. The argument is that a covenantal commitment gives space and time for a depth of intimacy that satisfies the fundamental human longings to love and be loved. Thus, a marriage vow is not a yoke but a gift, a commitment to be the right one for the other during the good and bad times life will inevitably bring. At the core of marriage is friendship, which means ‘reciprocity, intimacy, warmth, stability and . . . shared life.’ ⁶⁰ But marriage is also about passion that is strong enough to bind. Eros and agape belong together. ⁶¹ ‘Indissoluble exclusivity’ is natural to love. It is what we seek, what children want for their parents, what parents want for their children, and what God wants for human beings. ⁶² This is why spouses vow to love forever, not unless or until.

Because this kind of love is not automatic, a virtue ethic is a necessary corollary. Loving forever takes a willingness to grow but also a capacity to accept imperfection. It takes effort to cultivate intimacy and joy. Couples have to work on communication, take time together, find their way through difficulties. Francis encourages appreciating and even contemplating one’s beloved, taking joy in bringing the other delight. ⁶³ In one of the wisest passages in the document, Pope Francis writes, ‘Love does not have to be perfect for us to value it. The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal. It is real, albeit limited and earthly.’ ⁶⁴

In sum, to love justly is to love someone in all of their beauty and imperfection, even when sick and elderly, or in spite of failures in fidelity. ‘Love opens our eyes and enables us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being.’ ⁶⁵ Fidelity means accepting the commitment of ‘belonging to’ another person over time, by supporting them as God supports every human. ⁶⁶ It is both ‘a matter of the heart’ and a commitment affirmed each day, as ‘each spouse is for the other a sign and instrument of the closeness of the Lord, who never abandons us.’ ⁶⁷ We do not give up on those we love. This is the pope’s powerful case for cultivating the virtues necessary for lifelong marriage.

But if spouses are to accompany each other through life, so too the Christian community must accompany them, not only by providing a vision of what to strive for and an ethic for how to get there, but also by walking with them. In this moment, Catholics are trying to figure out what that would mean. In many dioceses, marriage preparation is being rethought. Many are considering offering (if not requiring) longer programs, with more information on what makes for strong marriages and a stronger theological and spiritual core. ⁶⁸ Some parishes are calling on mentor couples to meet with the newly married on a regular basis during the first three years of marriage, which tend to be especially vulnerable. ⁶⁹ It seems possible that giving couples a stronger sense of the reality of marriages’ ups and downs might help with expectations and open up possibilities for patience and adaptation, both of which are necessary for marriages to thrive. In Boston, a new program links childbirth education with spiritual reflection on marriage, birth, and parenting. ⁷⁰ It is but one example of the kind of innovation that is needed. But one thing is clear. Most of the actual day-to-day accompanying is going to have to be done by lay people. Accompanying does not just mean the Church as institution welcoming a diversity of families; it means lay Catholics accepting the vulnerability of reaching out to others and allowing others into their lives. Only by walking together will more depth, more joy, and more peace come to characterize Catholic families.

What Does It Mean to Be Merciful?

Yet, not everyone will be able to achieve the ideal of a just and lasting love. What is a merciful response then? Discussion of mercy and Amoris Laetitia is often reduced to a footnote. In that controversial note, the pope seems to indicate that, at least in some cases, divorced and remarried Catholics may, in consultation with their pastors, discern that they have confronted and confessed their responsibility for the failure of their first marriage and would be best served by a return to the sacraments. ⁷¹ This is the ‘internal forum’ solution. Francis repeats some of his own well-known phrases to support his judgment: the confessional is not to be a ‘torture chamber’ and the Eucharist is not ‘a prize for the perfect.’ Following his own method, he encourages pastors to move beyond black-and-white thinking in order to help divorced and remarried people find ‘ways of responding to God and growing in the midst of limits,’ instead of blocking that growth. ⁷² He insists that the reality of sin and the possibility of atoning for sin are a fundamental part of the Christian tradition. ⁷³ That means parishes have to be places where people figure out how to deal with sin, provide pathways for atonement, and practice mercy.

The genius of Francis’s footnote is that it opens the door for mercy without mandating a particular practice, as is typical in his teaching and preaching. To be sure, ‘No one can be condemned forever.’ ⁷⁴ The church is to be light and companionship for the broken-hearted. But Francis gives no blueprint and expects variation. ⁷⁵ Some traditionalists are disappointed at the lack of clear guidance or at what they view as a turn away from traditional teaching on indissolubility. ⁷⁶ Yet, because discussion on the topic of Eucharist for the divorced and remarried was so controversial at the synod, Francis chose to create a new tone and a new concrete possibility without imposing a universal rule. It is up to local churches to decide if a new practice would be appropriate in their context, and, more significantly, what other kinds of practices they might need to implement to practice mercy (e.g., How can they best serve abandoned spouses? What are the needs of children of divorce? What sort of liturgical practices might be appropriate to recognize the end of a marriage? Could post-divorce counselling be provided for families to help members continue to care for one another? Is parish support for troubled marriages adequate?).

Debate following the synod and the release of Amoris Laetitia has focused on the adequacy of the pope’s vision of mercy. Few would disagree with the main thrust of mercy. Of course, ‘The Church must accompany with attention and care the weakest of her children who show signs of a wounded love, by restoring in them hope and confidence, like a beacon of a lighthouse or a torch carried among the people to encourage those who have lost their way.’ ⁷⁷ But how? Some will take advantage of new possibilities discussed above. Eased annulment procedures will allow more people to seek and obtain freedom to remarry in the church and return to the sacraments. ⁷⁸ Many divorced people will hear the new tone of mercy as welcome recognition of the complexity of their lives. Francis is convinced that when the church walks with people in difficult situations like this, it is doing what Jesus taught. To see the Holy Spirit moving ‘in the midst of human weakness, . . . to treat the weak with compassion, . . . not to judge or condemn, . . . to enter into the reality of people’s lives,’ to see the complexity—all of this is what Jesus commanded; it is part of the truth rather than a departure from it. ⁷⁹ For the pope, there is no contradiction between mercy and truth.

Still, others are not so sure. Does this practice of mercy truly recognize the ongoing ontological reality of the first marriage, which, according to Catholic teaching, never fully dissolves? ⁸⁰ Though Pope Francis presents a strong case for lifelong marriage in Amoris Laetitia, along with encouragement to couples to consider whether a crisis in their marriage can become ‘an apprenticeship in growing closer together,’ does his focus on mercy for those who cannot keep their marriages together overshadow and thereby weaken Catholic teaching? ⁸¹ Is there sufficient emphasis on challenging couples in strained marriages to seek help, offer forgiveness, and find a way through hard times?

Amoris Laetitia is so controversial because it tries to hold together mercy (as truth) and the call to lifelong marriage (also truth). Francis captures the heart of the tradition in down-to-earth language. Deep, lasting love is what human beings are made for. The promise to love another person forever ‘protects and shapes a shared commitment to deeper growth.’ ⁸² Through inevitable disappointments, couples are called to embrace ‘the joy of love,’ which can be experienced even amid sorrow. ⁸³ His commitment to indissolubility is clear. Accompaniment has been integrated into Catholic teaching.

Yet, at the local level, balancing a demanding vision with the demands of mercy will mean walking with couples as they navigate challenging times. Married couples contemplating divorce might be challenged to consider extensive social science data showing the harmful effects of divorce on children, the fragility of second marriages, and the benefits of sustained, long term couples counselling. ⁸⁴ Knowing the real costs of divorce and seeking the best interventions may help more couples sustain their marriages. Focusing only on mercy in contemporary family teaching may result in too narrow an emphasis on whether an exception to the rule applies. Engaging the fuller picture of the present moment in the Church could allow for deeper questions, e.g., ‘How serious is the suffering we are experiencing? How sure are we that our current suffering will continue? Do we have capacities beyond our imagining? Is growth possible or not? Who will suffer if we part? Even if we may divorce, should we?’

After divorce happens, walking together in mercy and truth will entail honestly recognizing those sins that contributed to marital breakdown, providing space for comfort and healing for both spouses, assuring that everyone is safe, caring for children and others affected by the divorce, and encouraging hope for reconciliation even when that seems impossible. Catholic communities have to find ways to acknowledge failures in love and yet not exclude those whose love cannot be sustained.

Pope Francis challenges the church to, ‘seek God in every human life. Although the life of a person is a land full of thorns and weeds, there is always a space in which the good seed can grow. You have to trust God.’ ⁸⁵ He leaves to the laity the hard work of upholding the demanding Catholic vision of marriage, leading not with judgment but with welcome, accompaniment, and mercy.

Conclusion: Reconsidering the Gospel of the Family

Amoris Laetitia is an exhortation ‘on love in the family.’ I have argued that its essential contribution to a theology of the family is its compelling call to married couples to persist in outward facing love through time balanced with a call to the church to adopt better practices of welcome, accompaniment, and mercy. I considered the phrase ‘gospel of the family,’ noting its potential but focusing on its limitations. I asserted that there is not really a full-blown theology of the family in the gospel though, as Kasper points out, there are images of love alongside Jesus’ ministry of mercy, and, as Francis points out, the gospel is full of the messy reality of family life. ⁸⁶ But it is also important not to miss the diversity of characters in the gospel narratives, including singles, children, and the church itself. Recognizing the diversity in the gospel allows us to appreciate the import of family in the church without idolizing it, and it provides a way to bring together the vision of marriage which the church strives to uphold with the practices of welcome, accompaniment of mercy that the church is called to embody.

In a church so committed to families, it can be difficult to notice the prevalence of singles in the gospel: single adults, single parents, widows, and vowed celibates. ⁸⁷ The disciples who are called to leave work to follow Jesus must also leave family behind (Mark 1:16–20). Both critics and sympathetic historians of early Christianity report that early Christian communities included vowed celibates and celibate married couples. Wealthy widows are known to have been sources of financial support and hospitality for apostles charged with traveling and spreading the faith (Luke 8:3). ⁸⁸

Even the most familiar biblical stories fail to fit into a neat ‘family’ box. Are shepherds and wise men married? Where is the mother of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11–32)? Does the woman who searches for the lost coin have a family (Luke 15:8–10)? The infancy narratives tell of a messiah born into an atypical family. Joseph drops out of the gospel after stories of Jesus’ youth, leading tradition to assume Mary’s early widowhood. Martha, Mary, and Lazarus are strong siblings whom Jesus loved, but they do not seem to have spouses (John 11). Paul, of course, is single, and so, it seems, are many of his co-workers: Barnabas (Acts 11:27–30), Thecla (Acts of Paul and Thecla), and Phoebe (Romans 16:1–2). Other than the young holy family and missionary couples like Aquila and Priscilla (1 Corinthians 16:19), married couples are far rarer than singles. Adults who appear to be single, like Jairus who seeks healing for his daughter (Mark 5:21–24), the father of the prodigal son, the woman who searches for the lost coin, and the widow who offers her last coins (Luke 21:1–4), are often models of mercy.

The early church community was not exactly a ‘family of families.’ ⁸⁹ While some baptisms involved whole families, in other cases, faith, like a sword, divided families (Matthew 10:34–36). The fact that sometimes women, slaves, and children converted on their own was controversial for some critics of early Christianity, for whom religion was inextricably tied to the patriarchal household. Christians were known for prizing single-hearted discipleship, not ‘family values.’ Some labelled them ‘homewreckers.’ ⁹⁰ The church is the most significant family in the gospel, the place where followers address each other as brother and sister. Its strength is the only thing that makes the hard sayings of Jesus on family comprehensible (Luke 14:26). Discipleship to Jesus always comes first, before burying a dead father (Luke 9:59–60) and loyalty to one’s family of origin (Mark 3:31–35). In the gospels, the people of faith, those who ‘hear the word and keep it,’ are a new kind of kin, a radically inclusive community bent on justice and mercy. ⁹¹

Perhaps the gospel ‘on’ though not ‘of’ the family, should be the starting point for contemporary Christian thinking about family. A Catholic sense of what family means, why it is significant, and how to approach it should flow from this place, with full recognition of its strangeness in its time, as well as in our own. And yet, the church also moves in the world, learns from the world, and develops. ⁹² The Christian community has the ongoing task of discerning what to take in and what to bypass. The Christian tradition has grown in its esteem for the intimate love of spouses, parents, and children, and that is a good thing. Pope Francis continues that growth in appreciation for familial love and offers a more inclusive vision by taking from the gospel an emphasis on charity for the imperfect that leads to better thinking about welcoming, accompanying, and practicing mercy.

If the Christian community is to live the depth of Christian truth on marriage, it might take from the gospel a vision of a church filled with different sorts of households, including single, coupled, widowed, separated, and married people, all called first to discipleship. Like these earliest Christians, lay people today are called to love well, to keep their promises, to practice fidelity, and to do justice. Their fidelity to each other in their homes schools them in virtue so they can show up for others who live elsewhere. At the end of Amoris Laetitia, Francis writes, ‘All of us are called to keep striving towards something greater than ourselves and our families, and every family must feel this constant impulse. Let us make this journey as families, let us keep walking together. What we have been promised is greater than we can imagine.’ ⁹³ Love, mercy, and justice belong together, and even though we as humans never get any one of them exactly right, we are called to keep walking and striving together.