Abstract
Grief and loss are universal experiences for all individuals and communities. The experience of a loss due to death and the bereavement process to follow are influenced by an individual’s religious values and beliefs. In this article, we discuss the Sikh bereavement process in the United States. We provide brief personal narratives as exemplar case studies, highlight religious and cultural factors, and explain potential challenges of bereavement. Finally, we discuss implications for mental health clinicians and other providers of services that surround death and dying.
When we, as mental health clinicians, think of grieving processes, we often first think of our own. That process then becomes the template upon which we project and attempt to make meaning of others’ grief and loss. We often forget that grieving, like most aspects of life, is culturally driven and for many people, rooted in faith and religious communities (Cruz-Ortega, Gutierrez, & Waite, 2015; Kelley & Chan, 2012). The cultural and religious grief practices that are significant in faith communities are rarely spoken of in the psychological literature and do a disservice to counselors and therapists, as they may misguide clients to grieve the way they themselves have. The goal of this article is to provide clinicians with an understanding of the Sikh process of bereavement, common Sikh religious and cultural coping mechanisms, and implications for clinicians working with individuals from the Sikh community in the United States.
We believe it is important for the authors to situate their perspectives in scholarship so that the reader is aware of the lens that the author is approaching the subject matter with. Therefore, we begin this article with a brief description of our first major losses and bereavement process. Then, we discuss religious and cultural factors, and potential challenges of bereavement. Finally, we discuss implications for clinicians.
Personal Grief Narratives of Authors
As Sikh scholars, we want to speak about our communities’ experiences with grief, but we acknowledge that our perspectives are heavily shaped by our own experiences with death. In the Indian community, and more specifically, in the Sikh community, because one seeks support from systems such as faith and family, seeking therapy would be considered looking outside of family and religion, and is not always considered a viable or appropriate option (Laungani, 1996). Therefore, many Sikhs and other Indians are left without an effective method to understand and cope with their grief when the religious and cultural ones are not sufficient; this inability to cope may lead to further challenges in their lives. The stigma associated with counseling is not exclusive to the Indian community; many cultures associate therapy solely with severe mental illness and believe the ideal way to find support is within the family or religious community. Thus, we briefly discuss our own personal grief narratives as exemplar case studies; our social location influences how we experienced loss and how we continue on our journey to understand it.
First Author’s Grief Narrative
I am a counseling psychologist and a faculty member who has been teaching counseling for the past 15 years. My academic work has focused on the experiences of Sikhs in the United States. My first experience with death was when I was 6 years old. My paternal grandfather and grandmother lived with my parents, my three brothers, and I in our suburban New York home. My grandfather, who we all called “Papaji,” became quite ill. I have memories of him alive and full of energy and I recall the moment when he lay in the funeral home, ready for cremation. My oldest brother who was just 16, looked so grown up and serious when he initiated the cremation process. My grandmother, “Pabhoji,” the rest of our family, and I turned to Sikhism as a form of guidance on how to grieve. The Guru Granth Sahib, our holy book, has been a source of guidance on how to live life and was a source of solace for my parents and grandmother at the time of grief. I know we sang Shabads (hymns), particularly the ninth guru’s shabads, and there was a lot of recitation, repeating and praising “Waheguru” (God). I recall my parents saying that Papaji was with Waheguru and therefore he was no longer suffering and was at peace. After the services, friends and family read the Guru Granth Sahib in our home, concluding in a bhog (the conclusion of the reading of Guru Granth Sahib) and kirtan (the singing of Shabads). In the weeks following, our family came together, mourned, and shared memories, family members came to the home to check in on my Pabhoji and parents. Of course, life continued, but for me, attending gurdwara (Sikh place of worship) weekly had greater meaning because I would remember Papaji.
In the losses that followed for our family, we turned to religious texts and practices to make meaning and heal. I often look back at my first experience with loss and ask my parents about their grief; what was most notable was how religion and faith shaped their experience and their understanding of the loss. As my parents have gotten older, I have discussed death and dying, along with grief and bereavement. We talk about their wishes and concerns about their own deaths and possible loss of their spouse. We have talked about the fact that they both want simple funerals, plain caskets, do not want us to be in any kind of mourning, and that they want money to go to those in need. From the time of my initial memory of loss until now, I have learned about the importance of the cultural and religious practices for myself and my family and how, at best, they have offered peace and healing to us as we grieved.
Second Author’s Grief Narrative
I have worked as a bereavement counselor for about 4 years and I am now in my second year as a doctoral student in a counseling program. The death of my grandfather in 2009 ultimately propelled me towards a career in bereavement. My grandfather had always been a constant presence and was an instrumental figure in my upbringing; although my father, who I called “Papa,” was very present and involved, my grandfather was the one I called “Daddy.” At the age of 20, losing him was my first major encounter with grief and one of the most difficult times of my life. Everyone in my family felt his loss deeply and we often turned to each other for comfort. Despite the overwhelming support we provided one another, it was not enough for me to truly come to terms with a world without “Daddy.” I found myself feeling angry about not being present at the time of his death. Although I was present during some religious ceremonies following my grandfather’s death, I do not recall feeling comforted by prayer or listening to shabads due to the lack of my connection with the Sikh faith at the time. I do, however, recall other family members often turning to their Sikh faith for comfort by going to the gurudwara to meditate in silence or listen to kirtan, or recite shabads or path (prayers) in the morning and evening at home. Instead of turning to Sikhism as a coping mechanism at the time, I found it helpful to share stories about my grandfather and listen to others’ stories about how he impacted their lives. As the years have gone by and my connection with my faith has also shifted, I now find myself feeling comforted by prayer and have created a ritual to go to the gurdwara on my grandfather’s birthday and his death anniversary. I find that I feel a sense of connection with him through prayer and also feel a sense of connection with my family members through prayer on those special dates.
My most recent grief experiences involve the unexpected and traumatic deaths of my cousins, who died on two separate occasions within a short period of time from one another. My response to their deaths differed from my bereavement experience related to the death of my grandfather which may be attributed to the cause of death, relationship with the person who has died, and my own developmental level and connection to my faith. However, I found myself also turning to and finding comfort from family and faith as a coping mechanism in my grief process. I recall a specific moment directly following the death of one of my cousin’s when many extended family members began arriving in shock, tears, and questions. Everything felt chaotic emotionally and mentally, but I remember experiencing a sense of relief and peace as soon as the bhai ji arrived from a local gurdwara to begin praying with the family. This allowed the family to refocus and experience a sense of calm for themselves which set the tone for any visitors who continued to arrive.
What grew out of my pain was a mission of sorts. I no longer simply wanted to mourn the death of my loved ones; I wanted to be a key part in changing the stigma surrounding grief within my own culture.
Religious and Cultural Factors in Sikh Grieving
Religious and cultural beliefs and practices are central factors in many individuals’ lives. It is important to understand the impact that religion may have on an individual’s coping style (Park, 2005; Sandhu, 2004). Grief is greatly impacted by an individual’s spiritual, religious, and cultural beliefs (Cruz-Ortega et al., 2015; Kelley & Chan, 2012). It is notable that many people either turn to or actively turn away from their religion and spirituality when faced with grief. Religion can be a helpful coping mechanism (Cruz-Ortega et al., 2015; Kelley & Chan, 2012) or alternately, death can be a prompt to question faith (Lee, Roberts, & Gibbons, 2013). “Negative religious coping involves the reframing of the events as God’s punishment, feelings of abandonment by God, expressions of confusion about one’s relationship with God, and reinterpretations of outcomes as acts of the devil” (Lee et al., 2013, p. 292). Although spiritual questioning itself is not necessarily thought to be negative, the consequences of this questioning can sometimes be negative. For example, spiritual questioning can take the bereaved individual away from community resources, family, and the faith (faith practices) that may have otherwise been a source of strength for them. There is a significant difference in how individuals from different cultures and religions grieve and what is considered a normal grief process in the United States (Kleinman, 2012; Paletti, 2008). Our focus in this article is the bereavement process for Sikhs in the United States.
History and Practice of Sikhism
To understand Sikh grieving, we must first understand how Sikhism was founded. Sikhism is the fifth largest religion in the world (Leifker, 2006). Sikhism is a monotheistic religion and has three core values including making an honest living, community service, and remembering God. As Singh (1998) explains, Sikhism has its origins dating to the mid-1400s, with the birth of the first Guru, Guru Nanak. Guru Nanak promoted equality of all before God and opposed the caste system of India (Singh, 2004). The second guru initiated a community meal known as langar, where men and women of all religions and all castes sit side by side and partake in a meal served by the community for the community. There were 10 Gurus in total over the span of about 200 years, with Guru Gobind Singh serving as the last corporeal Guru. Prior to Guru Gobind Singh’s passing in 1708, he declared the Sikh holy book as successor and the everlasting Guru; the Guru Granth Sahib is the one of the greatest sources of strength for Sikhs and is turned to for religious guidance (Ahluwalia & Zaman, 2009; Arora & Ahluwalia, 2014).
Gurdwaras are used as both religious and community spaces. Sikh families, space permitting, have a prayer room that houses the Guru Granth Sahib; Sikhs turn to the Guru Granth Sahib in times of joy and in times of grief, and to help provide guidance in how to think and feel. The hukam (“command”) is a randomly selected verse from the Guru Granth Sahib. Every morning, the holy book is opened and every night, it is put to bed—it is the first thing you read in the day and the last thing you read at night. In times of joy and sadness, families will routinely have kirtans, where people come together to sing Shabads in their home, bringing the religion and community into the family space to give thanks and to find solace.
Religious Practices after a Loss
There is little counseling or psychological literature on Sikh grieving in the United States. For mental health practitioners, it is important to understand the Sikh religious practices which may in turn inform culturally appropriate techniques and interventions.
There is some valuable information provided by community resources outside the United States. The Rehat Maryada, known as the Sikh code of conduct, provides information on conduct and customs that Sikhs should follow. It is important to note that these are not considered the Gurus’ words or God’s dictates, but rather was created by a committee to promote “a high level of uniformity in the religious and social practices of Sikhism” (Shromani Gurdwara Parbandhak Committee, 1931, p. 1). Included in the Rehat Maryada is a description of ceremonies, including the funeral ceremony. The UK Sikh Healthcare Chaplaincy Group (n.d.) also provides guidance on issues surrounding death in a Sikh family.
If a person is ill or dying, families read Sukhmani Sahib or the psalm of peace, to give solace to both the individual who is suffering and the families. Many Sikhs will also remember God for comfort, by reciting Waheguru, stating mantras (loosely translated) such as “God is the Supreme, all knowing One,” or by singing shabads. In Sikhism, mourners are not supposed to cry or wail, as death is seen as a natural part of life. Sikhs believe in reincarnation and so life and death are considered a part of the cycle of human life, of coming and going. In Sikhism, death is considered a natural process that takes place in hukam, or God’s will, and so from a religious perspective, Sikhs should not mourn. But the reality is that when a family member dies, the surviving family immediately falls into a bereavement process.
Antam Sanskar
Antam Sanskar is the final funeral rites for Sikhs and is open to family, any member of the religious community, and friends from different faiths. The Sikh belief is that the soul is the person’s essence and will return to God, but the body is merely the shell that housed it. Therefore, Sikhs are cremated, not buried. Traditionally, there is a sense of privacy bounded by family and community during the cremation.
After a person has died, their body is taken to the funeral home and may be on view before the cremation (usually the day before or day of the cremation). The body is cleaned by the family while they recite the path (prayer), and then the family dresses the deceased with clean clothes. The body is then transferred to a coffin.
Shabads from the Guru Granth Sahib are sung by the congregation, which induce feeling of consolation and courage in the face of loss. A kirtan, a series of shabads performed by Ragis (professional religious singers) or community members, may occur while the family recite “Waheguru” near the deceased. Some family members may share a few final words about the deceased. This service normally takes from 30 to 60 minutes. At the conclusion of the service, Kirtan Sohila (nighttime prayer) and Ardaas is said before the coffin is taken to the cremation site. After the cremation, the ashes are collected and released in a moving body of water symbolizing the body’s return to earth and the soul’s return to God.
Bhog
Simultaneously, the family may plan a bhog, or concluding ceremony, at their home or gurdwara, where either an Akhand path (48 hours of continuous reading of the entire Guru Granth Sahib), or Saddharan path or Sehaj path (7 days of non-continuous reading) commences, timed to conclude when the bhog occurs. The bhog is considered to mark the end of the mourning period. Whether the bhog is held at the bereaved family’s home or the gurdwara, it is open to extended family, friends, and the religious community. This shared experience of grief with others is an important component to the Sikh culture.
Generally, all the relatives and friends of the family gather together for the bhog on the completion of the reading of the Guru Granth Sahib. Ragis or community members sing appropriate Shabads (mostly of Guru Tegh Bahadur, the ninth guru). After the final prayer, a Hukam, or a selected reading from the Guru Granth Sahib, is read, and karah parsad, a blessed sweet, is distributed to the congregation. Langar, a community meal, is served.
Social Customs and Gender Norms
In Sikhism, the religious teachings dictate that women and men should be treated equally. An adaptive coping mechanism for Sikhs who face emotional turmoil involves a core value of heroism (Ahluwalia & Alimchandani, 2013). This value stems from historical stories of Sikh bravery and may play a role in how many Sikhs feel they should act in response to traumatic stress (Ahluwalia & Alimchandani, 2013), such as the death of a loved one. In particular, the model of Gurus, Gurus mothers, fathers, wives, and children are held up as examples that we should aspire to—to be a saint and a soldier—to continue to pray to God and to promote truth and justice, even in the face of tragedy.
The lived experience of Sikhs, however, includes the intersection with Indian ethnicity, which has clear gender norms and roles. Therefore, this standard of heroism and bravery is upheld particularly for Sikh men. When faced with the death of a loved one, psychological and emotional reactions may vary, but particularly for Sikh men, it may be restricted to reactions that align with the core values of heroism.
Typically Sikh men are responsible for the funeral arrangements, managing financial responsibilities, and making public announcements regarding services. In regard to the cremation, the eldest or only male son will traditionally light the pyre or push the button at the crematory. In cases where the death is of a son, the father will traditionally take on the responsibility of lighting the pyre. A ceremony known as Rasam Pagri (Turban Ceremony) usually occurs after the Antam Sanskar, during which the eldest male family member is presented or adorned with a pagri or dastaar (turban) to signify his new role and responsibility of protecting the family. The pagri is usually given by the eldest son’s father-in-law or by the eldest son’s maternal uncles, if the son is not married. These tasks are consistent with what is discussed in the grief literature in the United States; men are generally associated as instrumental grievers in that they are likely to express their emotions inwardly or through physical and behavioral expressions (thinking and doing) (Doka & Martin, 2010).
Sikh women, however, also align with being instrumental grievers, but seem to do so within the family, home, and Sikh community. They are often responsible for the managing of cooking and feeding, cleaning and washing, and arrangements for all guests visiting the household to offer their condolences. If it was a Sikh female who died, a small group of women from the family will gather to wash the body prior to the viewing and funeral (and if it is a Sikh male, male family members are responsible). Women are sometimes expected to display their prolonged grief in various overt ways such as through the absence of color of their clothing, minimal wearing of jewelry and makeup, and various behavioral expectations such as more muted expressions of joy. The grief literature in the United States suggests that women are generally associated as intuitive grievers in that they are likely to experience affective reactions of inner feelings and are more open to the exploration of feelings (Doka & Martin, 2010). This is in some ways true for Sikh women, as well, as they may be more emotionally expressive than men. With that stated, both Sikh men and women may emotionally express their grief, but they are discouraged from the intense outward displays of grief (e.g., wailing).
In summary, religious and ethnic culture shape gender norms. Sometimes the religious and ethnic culture stories are contradictory and therefore can manifest differently with different individuals.
Challenges
Much of our discussion above is about how the bereavement process unfolds if there are no difficulties or circumstances leading to complications. The reality, however, is that complications often occur in the planning of services and in the grieving process. In this section, we discuss factors which may complicate grief, the impact of having a global family, challenges with funeral homes, and the spreading of ashes.
Common Sikh coping mechanisms are rooted in faith, family, and community. However, the differing intersections of identities for family and community members may cause challenges. Each family member may have very different identities as related to ethnicity, religion, and culture (as well as have generational differences) which may impact the bereavement process. A Sikh individual may be struggling with aspects of their grief as a result of going against cultural norms in grieving processes, for having an ambivalent relationship with the person who has died, or for having negative relationships with surrounding family members. Additionally, not all Sikhs will turn to their faith when reacting to loss and may alternatively reject God, reject their religion, or question their religious beliefs and traditions.
Global Family
When planning funerals, Sikhs prefer to have the wake and cremation quickly. Family members, however, may live in India and other countries outside the United States, and so they may not be able to be able to arrive quickly after a death; some families may choose to delay services to have family from abroad present. Some family members may not be able to attend services for a variety of reasons, including distance, illness, and financial reasons. Those unable to attend services turn to scriptures and will sometimes have a bhog with other family members geographically close by.
Funeral Homes
Funeral homes are integral in the bereavement process but challenges can emerge. Depending on the size of the community that a funeral home serves, sometimes there is no space available for large groups in the funeral home of choice. The family will often delay the services to accommodate the space issue. Also, there can be pushback from funeral homes about certain religious practices, especially if they are unfamiliar with these practices (e.g., taking off shoes, kirtan, covered head, sitting on floor). Issues of discrimination on the basis of ethnicity or religion (e.g., anti-Indian or anti-Sikh sentiment, Islamophobia) may occur when funeral home employees (or individuals living near the funeral home) have negative reactions to members of the Sikh community (e.g., having so many individuals wearing turbans congregated) in one space.
Cremation and Spreading of Ashes
The cremation of the body is an important component to the Sikh funeral. However, because burial is more common in the dominant religion in the United States (i.e., Christianity), there are many funeral homes within the United States which do not house a crematorium. Therefore, families are often restricted to sites that can perform the services and sometimes there is limited choice. Additional complications arise surrounding the spreading of ashes in a body of water within the Unites States due to the many restrictions forbidding the release of ashes, often leading to individuals having to go against the legal restrictions to perform religious practices. This can force the ceremony to be rushed and performed in very small gatherings so as to not draw attention.
Implications for Practice
As previously stated, for Sikhs, grief is seen as a private event in which one turns to family, religious community, and religious practices for support. This sense of privacy impacts individuals’ desire, ability, or thought to seek therapy. Therefore, therapy should be open to include religious practices, scriptures, and traditions. From a social standpoint, the functional value of the Sikh community lies in the fact that social support from the religious community provides a source of strong security and comfort for those who are bereaved (Laungani, 1996). This sense of familial and communal support and validation serve as positive coping mechanisms when trying to make sense of the beginning of an altered way of life. Further, for marginalized communities, families and religious communities provide safe spaces where individuals do not have to be vigilant about their differences in identities.
Practitioners should be open to engage in a respectful and informed discussion of practices which might be difficult for a Sikh individual to engage in outside the session. Given the many factors which may lead to challenges within the bereavement experience, it is vital that practitioners respect Sikh cultural traditions while validating and supporting individual choices of how to grieve.
It is important to know that some individuals may choose to continue to have a relationship with their loved one in their own unique way—continuing bonds or symbolic immortality. This can be done through religious practices, such as organizing and keeping an Akhand Path in their loved one’s memory. In addition, because Sikhism is a small minority religion, it is influenced by the dominant religion of its region, whether that be Hinduism in India or Christianity in the United States. Therefore, Sikhs sometimes apply other religious practices (e.g., lighting a candle) or other secular practices such as talking to their loved one’s picture, wearing their loved one’s jewelry or clothing, or creating and keeping rituals for holidays and special occasions.
Grief is often highly personal and a private matter for many individuals, and therefore, practitioners who carry their own unresolved grief or are grieving from a recent loss must be aware and work through those issues in order to work with a grieving client and the client’s emotional needs. Practitioners should also be aware of their own cultural practices and biases about grieving so as to not unconsciously or consciously impose those upon their clients. A general knowledge of Sikh beliefs can provide clinicians with a framework of the values, beliefs, and symbols central to this religion which will in turn influence culturally appropriate skills and interventions to work with bereaved Sikhs.
Finally, not only will counselors benefit further by gaining an understanding of the Sikh bereavement religious practices and social customs but other individuals involved, such as funeral directors, chaplains, and hospice professionals, will be able to serve communities more respectfully. An increased understanding of the rituals and practices central to the Sikh funeral and cremation ceremony will allow for funeral directors to provide culturally appropriate arrangements. Chaplains working with Sikh families may benefit by gaining a general awareness and understanding of the core values central to Sikhism so as to not impose their own values or beliefs. Additionally, hospice staff working with a Sikh family can incorporate Sikh end-of-life beliefs into the patient’s care and when effectively communicating and working with Sikh families.
In conclusion, although the grief and bereavement experience involves some universal factors, it is also a highly personal process often shaped by religious and cultural practices. An understanding of different religious and cultural beliefs of individuals who belong to minority religions, such as Sikhism, may shed some light on the role that religion plays as a coping mechanism throughout the bereavement experience. An awareness of common religious practices, social customs, and gender norms in Sikh bereavement can inform and influence culturally appropriate techniques and accommodations by clinicians, funeral directors, chaplains, and hospice professionals.
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
