Abstract
Phyllis Fagell offers guidance to a teacher who has trouble saying no when colleagues ask for help, and as a result, is feeling overwhelmed. A middle school teacher seeks advice on how to better address the growing mental health needs of students.
I’ve always had difficulty saying no, and as a result everyone now expects me to give an automatic yes to some unfair asks. It doesn’t matter whether I’m being asked to run the Birthday Brigade for the third year in a row, or to take full responsibility for creating the slides for a presentation someone else is giving, or to come up with plans for an intern who another teacher isn’t properly mentoring. In the school setting, there’s also this idea that we should say yes to anything that’s “good for kids.” It’s exhausting, but the one or two times I steeled myself and actually said no, I was met with so much hostility that I backtracked. Intellectually, I knew I was well within my rights, but I felt soooo guilty that I changed my answer. Can you help me say no in the face of tremendous pressure to say yes, and do you have any words of wisdom for dealing with the fallout, including my own guilt?
In schools and organizations in general, people end up assuming roles. It sounds like you have a reputation for being easygoing, responsible, people-pleasing, generous with your time, and willing to take on tasks others avoid. There are clearly positives to this identity, which is why you’re struggling to say no. I’m not surprised you’re exhausted, but change is hard. You have to let go of the need to be liked and agreeable at all times, and that requires a game plan. You also need to pat yourself on the back for incremental progress. You’re not going to change radically overnight, and you’d probably find that too jarring anyway.
Start by simply getting in the habit of pausing before responding. It’s OK to say, “I need to think about it. Can I get back to you?” It might be difficult to begin with a hard no, but at least give yourself a chance to think about what you want to do. As soon as you know you’d like to decline a request, practice using the word no or an equivalent phrase. There are so many variations, from “I can’t take that on right now” to “I’m going to have to pass.” If you need to soften the exchange, you can thank them for thinking of you, or tell them you wish you could help, but it’s best to be straightforward and get to the point as quickly as possible. You don’t want to waffle or seem ambivalent. You may feel tempted to offer a justification or rationale, but there’s no need. People who try to guilt-trip you are manipulative, and their behavior reveals more about them than about you.
You may find you have an easier time saying no in writing. I recognize myself in your question, and I’ve learned to run responses by more assertive colleagues. They’ve taught me how to communicate a definitive “I won’t” rather than “I can’t,” which leaves room for negotiation. I once showed my principal an email from someone asking me to take over a botched project for them. I wasn’t invested in the work, I was in a time crunch myself, and this was a problem of their making, but I still had a hard time saying no. I drafted a rambling reply that said something like, “I feel really bad that I can’t do this for you, but it’s just too much for me right now because I have x, y, and z on my plate, and as much as I want to help you, I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed.” It was a no, but it was so cushioned by niceties it was essentially buried. My principal — who knows that saying no can be challenging for me — convinced me to shorten the note to one phrase: “I’m sorry, that won’t work for me.” I felt irrationally guilty for several hours, but then the feeling lifted. It’s empowering to feel in control of your decisions. Others’ needs don’t trump your own. You get to decide when and for whom you’d like to make sacrifices.
If you continue to struggle, consider what you’d give up by saying yes. Your time is valuable. People who say yes to everything accomplish less. That said, if you want to teach people to respect your boundaries, you have to start by respecting them yourself.
Counselor wants help addressing students’ mental health needs
I’m a school counselor in a large public middle school, and in the last few years I’ve seen an uptick in the number of students with serious mental health needs. I’m talking about four or five kids in my caseload who end up utilizing 30% of my time. The other counselors in my school are dealing with the same thing. These students have complicated needs, and we can’t just brush them aside. I’ve been having an ongoing debate with my principal and other administrators. I think we need to be doing more on the front end to teach stress reduction skills, but in an all-hands-on-deck kind of way. This issue is too big for counselors to manage on their own, unless they clone us or take all the meaningless paperwork off our plates. I’m thinking we could address mental health issues in more depth in health classes, and get all teachers some training so they can each teach at least one lesson per semester on coping strategies. My department would write those lessons. I’m just trying to think outside the box yet stay realistic. Teachers already are tasked with so many mandates, from testing to bus duty to staff meetings, so I’m a little afraid to bring this up with them, but we’re just drowning. We have no time for prevention because we’re so overwhelmed with these high-needs kids. How can I get support from the rest of the staff so that we’re working together to prevent and address problems?
I’m not surprised by your experience. According to the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 22% of 13- to 18-year-olds have a serious mental illness. And the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has reported that suicide is the second leading cause of death for young people.
Some states are taking action. Most notably, a law recently took effect in New York that requires mental health issues to be included in the health education curriculum. It’s the first state to pass such a law, and the intention is to give students the knowledge they need to recognize in themselves and others when they need help. And even in the absence of state laws, many school districts across the country are being similarly proactive.
So your question is timely, but it’s not easily answered. Many teachers feel uncomfortable teaching this topic at all, let alone helping kids who have complicated diagnoses. They’re not trained professionals. That said, they can play an important role as eyes and ears on the ground, looking for signs that students are in distress and making referrals to counseling as needed. (And as schools teach students how to help themselves and their friends, they can help play this role as well.) But the reality is that teachers, like counselors, have a million boxes to check. Unless something eases up, you’re going to get pushback. So be careful to identify asks that don’t require any heavy lifting or special expertise. I like your idea of preparing the lessons, for example, and I do think that would help with buy-in, especially if the lessons are scheduled for a time of day that doesn’t interfere with teaching their content area.
Keep in mind that teachers do care about students’ mental health, and some may be willing to identify themselves as someone kids can approach when they’re feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. There may also be some teachers who’d want to join a committee dedicated to thinking about this issue in more depth. In particular, health teachers might be natural partners, and they may already be doing lessons that align with your goals, so make sure you’re familiar with their curriculum. Any procedural changes will have to come from an administrator, though. I’d view your role as exploratory, not directive.
Also, look for ways to make this a whole-school effort — and think beyond teachers. Anyone in the building could be a student’s trusted adult, including administrators, cafeteria workers, paraeducators, building service workers, and security personnel. Partner with parents, too. Many will share your concerns, and they might be interested in forming a wellness committee, funding teacher training, or helping establish mindfulness, yoga, or other stress-reduction programs in your school.
Footnotes
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