Abstract
A teacher objects to calling a student by their preferred pronoun: they. An assistant superintendent wants to help teachers better manage their frustration with students.
I’m a teacher in a middle school, and I’m PC to a point. I don’t care if a kid is gay or transgender, but I have to draw the line somewhere, and here’s my line. One of my students has asked me to call her “they,” and I won’t do it. Just pick a gender and I’ll go with it, but I cannot refer to an individual with a vague — not to mention PLURAL — pronoun. Some of my coworkers are practically making death threats against me over this, but I think this is well within my rights. I’d have a hard time remembering the right pronouns anyway. I already have a ton of balls to keep in the air, and I think this is a ridiculous ask. Can you help me justify my choice?
I’d rather help you take a more nuanced look at the situation. Ask yourself one basic question: What kind of relationship do you want to have with your student? I’m assuming you’d like to foster trust and safety. How would you feel if your supervisor refused to call you by your chosen name or pronoun? I’m guessing you’d feel unsupported and disrespected. And you’re talking about dismissing the preference of a middle schooler. Are you sure you want to invalidate their identity at such a vulnerable time in their development?
You’re justifying your choice on the basis of grammar and personal inconvenience, but consider the ethics. Your choice could be a matter of life or death. In October, researchers reported in the Journal of Adolescent Health that when transgender and gender-nonconforming youth are able to use their own name in all situations, they experience 35% fewer thoughts of suicide, 65% fewer attempted suicides, and 71% fewer symptoms of severe depression. And according to a 2015 GLSEN study, more than two-thirds of LGBTQ+ students hear homophobic remarks at school frequently or often. All of this means it’s critical that teachers model inclusivity and respect.
You don’t have to understand or agree with your student’s choice to go along with it. In fact, some state education departments require that teachers use a child’s preferred name and pronoun, so check your local laws. A teacher in Virginia, for example, was fired for refusing to use a transgender student’s preferred pronoun. You might discover that your opinion is irrelevant if you want to keep your job.
That said, I do want to address the grammar piece because it’s often thrown around as a reason to ignore students’ wishes. Language changes and adapts over time. Both Shakespeare and Jane Austen used the singular ”they,” so what’s old is new again. Merriam-Webster and the Oxford dictionary now include the singular “they.” The appeal to grammatical correctness is simply not a valid argument.
As for your memory, if a student had a hard-to-say or cumbersome name, would you insist on inventing a random nickname to make it easier to remember? You may be keeping a lot of balls in the air, but this isn’t a heavy lift. And if you do have an occasional slip-up, you can simply apologize and get it right the next time. Students know when adults are making a good-faith effort.
To me, this all comes down to relationships. If you don’t respect your student enough to call them what they want to be called, how can you expect to teach them? I recommend setting your own needs aside so you can focus on the child. That’s what educators do.
Assistant superintendent wants to help teachers deal with frustration
I’m looking for ways to help teachers in my district deal with frustration. I’m an assistant superintendent, and I spend a good deal of time in schools working with teachers who often feel frustrated with their students and do not have the tools to put their interactions in perspective, especially in the moment. I would like for them to see students’ needs as an opportunity to teach whatever skills are necessary for those students to grow, but all too often I hear how the students have not been prepared by previous teachers and how students these days are not as good as they were in past years. I often hear, ”What am I supposed to do?” I know that just being frustrated is not the answer, but I’m not sure what the answer is.
I’d start by trying to figure out what’s hiding beneath their complaints. I can think of several different possibilities. First, it’s probably significant that they’re complaining to you, someone who holds a position of authority. You might not be their immediate supervisor, but they likely hope you will think highly of them. So, I’d view their frustration through that lens. Are they concerned that you will judge them if their students underperform? Is this a protective stance they’re taking because students’ test scores have plummeted? If this is their primary concern, they may simply need you to reassure them that you don’t blame them and understand they’re facing some real challenges. The worst possible response would be to signal that you judge them for feeling that way. Feelings are never “wrong,” and they’ll be more open to problem-solving if they feel you understand their perspective. Besides, your goal is to improve their interactions with kids, not control their emotions, so try to conceal your frustration with them.
A second possibility relates to stress. People have a much lower threshold for frustration when they’re not at their peak. Have these teachers neglected their own needs to meet their professional responsibilities? Do they feel it’s impossible to do their job well and maintain a semblance of balance in their lives? They’re more likely to get triggered by misbehaving students or to deflect blame when they’re fried and exhausted themselves. Can you offer them any resources? Do they just want a decision maker to hear them out? Is it the end of the year and they’re in dire need of a break? Try sharing personal stories of times when you’ve felt that way. What helped you? Along those lines, think about other teachers who have had the same concern in the past. What helped them?
A third possibility is that they need some psychoeducation about the developmental phase, brain science, and behavior. They’re asking you what they should do, so give them more information. The old thinking is that kids’ misbehavior is purposeful, but recent neuroscience research shows that students may lash out subconsciously and unintentionally when they inaccurately perceive threat. Perhaps your school district needs to offer more training around relationship building and childhood development.
Regardless of the root cause of their frustration, validate their concerns and figure out what you can do to support them. Do they want you to bring feedback to decision makers in the central office? Do they feel that students aren’t being held accountable in a constructive way? Are there, in fact, weak teacher links that need to be addressed? Do what you can to make them feel heard and empowered, then circle back to see how they’re doing. In the same way that students need to know their teachers care, teachers need to believe that you’re on their side. As a bonus, you’ll be modeling the same behavior you hope they exhibit.
Footnotes
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