Abstract
In this Kappan column, Phyllis Fagell offers workplace advice to educators. This month, a teacher doesn’t know how to respond when a parent reacts negatively to an email about her child. A principal is grappling with self-doubt after receiving criticism about his decisions. And a teacher fears that a personal, political disagreement with his principal will affect his career prospects as he seeks a new position.
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I wrote a tactful, helpful email to a parent. Her child is in my English class and puts forth little to no work. The week before a big project was due, I asked him how he planned to complete the different components by the due date. He said, “It’s fine, you don’t need to nag me.” I told him I thought he needed help with organization, given how little he had done. He said he didn’t want or need any help. He also told me I could stop repeating myself and mumbled something about “getting off his back.” I repeated my concern that he was digging himself into a hole. I said I thought he might be unhappy if he got a low grade, but he shrugged and rolled his eyes.
That day, I gave all my students extra time to work on the project, but he did nothing. He did take a long break when I gave him permission to use the restroom. I was frustrated, but I can’t police every kid every second. That afternoon, I emailed his mother, who I know is a single parent. I told her I was worried he would miss the due date. I suggested that she sit down with him and help him figure out how he could complete the work. I admitted that he was less than excited when I tried to do the same with him. I want him to be successful, but I also don’t want her to be shocked if he earns a low grade.
The boy’s mother wrote back right away and said she was offended by my note. She was borderline nasty. She wrote that it was my job to motivate my students, not hers. She told me that if her son wasn’t excited about the project, then maybe I should rethink my teaching style. She added a zinger that she didn’t appreciate the edge to my note and said that if I have a problem with her son, I should come right out and say it instead of offering “fake-nice advice.” She said she would talk to her son and “make him do the work,” but only because it was clear “I wasn’t doing my job.” Geez! What now? I don’t want her to escalate this above me, but I also don’t want to be her punching bag. I’m doing my best here.
The boy’s mother misunderstood the intent of your note and was rude, but I think she accurately picked up on your irritation with her son, felt defensive, and lashed out. I’m conjecturing, but I think there’s a lot that isn’t being said. Perhaps she’s having similar battles with him at home and feels helpless and overwhelmed, and your email touched a nerve. Maybe that’s why the boy told you, “You don’t need to nag me” when you offered help. And despite the bite in his mother’s email, she cares. She wrote you back right away and said she’ll sit down with him to ensure he does the work. If this is her first hostile email, I’d give her some grace. If she’s often antagonistic, you might want to involve a department chair or administrator.
I wouldn’t send any more emails, though. Pick up the phone and set up a time to talk or — if possible — meet face-to-face. Acknowledge that your signals crossed and say you’d like to press the reset button. Be clear that your goal is to set her son up for success and hope to support her, too. She’s perceptive and prefers a direct approach, so be honest about your tense interactions with him. Ideally, she’ll talk to him about his behavior. Share his avoidant tendencies and ask her if she has any thoughts about why he resists your help. For instance, does she think the work is difficult for him? Or perhaps he’s distressed about something else? Are there any specific strategies that motivate him at home? Tell her your intent is to help him do well, not transfer the teaching burden to her. Underscore that you both want the same thing, and if you’re on the same page and communicating a consistent message, you’ll have a better shot at eliciting his best behavior and increasing his engagement.
Principal struggles with self-doubt
As a principal, I make a million and one decisions a day. I’ve been at this a while, and much of the time I feel competent. Lately, however, I’ve had to make some tough calls, and I’ve taken a lot of criticism. Sometimes parents are ticked off, and sometimes it’s staff or members of the community or even district leaders. I know I’m not the only principal who has to make hard decisions amid a culture war and a global pandemic, but man, am I drained and having a hard time rallying after I take a hit.
Here’s one example: A teacher covered content in class related to racism. It wasn’t part of the curriculum, but she had my permission to touch on an event that had just been in the news. Afterward, I got slammed with hateful messages and emails from upset individuals who felt she shared too many graphic details about the incident. A few of the complainers were parents in my own school community, but most were internet strangers. A few individuals even referenced the fact that I’m a gay man — which is personal and irrelevant. I don’t know how the situation ended up on social media, but the negative press got my district’s attention, and unhappy school system leaders advised me to rein in the teacher. When I spoke to her, I underscored that I had her back and she wasn’t in trouble, but I also was honest and urged her to be mindful of her students’ maturity and capacity to process and contextualize information. So now she’s ticked off at me, too, and I’m sure she’s complaining about me to other staff members.
Whenever my decisions are questioned, whether it’s something like this or something less consequential, I feel like an imposter. I get insecure and anxious and worry that I’m not cut out for this job. How can I shake off my self-doubt faster? Ideally, I’d skip the part when I get so triggered by others’ criticism and judgment that I feel like quitting my job immediately.
Your role requires you to make endless decisions, and that’s challenging even when things are going well. Throw in relentless, unsolicited feedback from all corners of the internet, and the most self-assured and competent principal is likely to feel drained and defeated. So how can you preserve your confidence in the face of criticism?
For advice, I reached out to psychologist Jill Stoddard, author of Imposter No More, Overcome Self-Doubt and Imposterism to Cultivate a Successful Career (Hachette Book Group, in press) and Morra Aarons-Mele, podcaster and author of The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears into Your Leadership Superpower (Harvard Business Review Press, 2023).
First, Stoddard pointed out that you’re far from alone. “Up to 70% of people will experience imposter thoughts at some point during their lifetime, especially those who have been marginalized (e.g., women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+), which tells us the word ‘syndrome’ is really a misnomer,” she said. “These thoughts are more normal than not and offer important information — that you care about what you’re doing and how well you’re doing it.” Instead of these thoughts being an indicator you don’t belong, she added, “they are often a neon sign saying you are right where you’re meant to be — doing something that matters to you. Recognize that [these thoughts are] trying to protect you from failure or humiliation, thank them for doing their job, and choose not to let them get in your way.” Stoddard urges you to ask yourself, “‘If I listen to these thoughts, will it move me in directions that matter to me?’ Focus not on what your mind is saying, but on what you care about, and then move your feet in that direction irrespective of the imposter voice.”
In other words, feel your feelings, but don’t get stuck. “I imagine you feel angry when all your hard work goes unrecognized, and when parents and colleagues complain, whether something’s your fault or not,” Aarons-Mele added. She recommends focusing on what you can control, mainly how you react to others’ behavior. “Ask yourself, ‘How am I reacting to these triggers, and is it good for me?’ If the answer is no, consider different ways you could respond,” she explained. “When a parent complains and there’s really nothing you can do about it, tell yourself, ‘I’m stepping out of this circle. Maybe they had a bad day.’” If you’re struggling to distract yourself, try engaging in physical activity to interrupt the unhelpful thought pattern.
It never hurts to do a little reflection, too. “When a colleague gripes, ask yourself, ‘Am I in the wrong here?’” Aarons-Mele said. “Consider the possibility you might be. Even still, we all make mistakes. Is everyone overreacting, and if so, why?” In other words, it’s often not about you. As Aarons-Mele noted, people sometimes complain to release anxiety and fear. “It’s only natural that as a committed professional you want to take responsibility or help, but it truly may not be worth it,” she said. “The best answer may be to exit the situation and manage your response.”
Teacher worried his principal will give him a bad reference
I’ve always gotten strong formal performance reviews from my principal, and I have a fantastic reputation among students and families. Nevertheless, I’ve had several disagreements with my principal in recent months of a more personal, political nature. She isn’t a fan of things like gender affinity groups, and I recently started a program that involves mentoring boys. As a male teacher, it’s something I’ve long felt was necessary in my school district, but my principal thinks it’s “too political.” This is the main reason I recently interviewed for an opening at another school in my district. I think there’d be more support for this particular program there because the principal indicated that she hopes to start something similar.
I was just invited to a second interview and was asked to provide references. It’s pretty hard not to list my current principal, and even if I didn’t list her, I think the principal at this other school is likely to end up talking to her about me anyway. After all, they’re colleagues. Is there anything I can do to stop my current principal from tanking my chances? Based on these recent, heated interactions with her, I’m pretty sure she’ll be spiteful.
Your principal may give a negative reference, or she may be relieved that you’re trying to leave and focus on the positive contributions you’ve made to the school as a teacher and innovator. Even if she doesn’t want you to leave or she’s spiteful enough to torpedo your chances, she may decide it’s not worth it. She probably understands that you’ll continue to travel in the same circles, and denigrating you could reflect poorly on her. Plus, if word gets out that she retaliated against a good teacher for personal, political reasons, it could be counterproductive and hinder her ability to hire new staff. That said, she could choose to say little beyond confirming your dates of employment, which could be equally damaging.
So what can you do? You have a few options. You could let it play out and see what happens. Or if you think your principal would be amenable to an honest conversation, you could share your plans with her and ask her if she thinks she could give you a positive reference. If she demurs, list someone else. Even better, list a few other colleagues who will give you glowing references. You also could contact a human resources representative and ask for advice. Someone in that department might be able to give you a written reference highlighting your past positive reviews, too.
The goal is to ensure that potential future employers get accurate information about your experience and qualifications without raising any red flags. To that end, while it might feel self-protective to share your concerns with the other school’s principal in advance, I’d try to keep her out of it. Instead, you’re probably better served by taking the high road, keeping the interview process positive and professional, and hoping for the best. If things don’t go your way, you can then have a calm, clarifying conversation with your current principal about what she’s been saying about you. If all else fails, you might need to consider legal remedies, but that should be a last resort.