Book review: Sarah Lamb. 2022. Being Single in India: Stories of Gender,Exclusion and Possibility

In this captivating book, Sarah Lamb provides a nuanced perspective on a rising demographic category in India, namely never-married women. Based on a rich ethnography in West Bengal, Lamb studies women who are not married to probe what challenges they face as well as the expanding possibilities for them (p. 2). The scholarship on gender, family and kinship has not studied this section of the population in great depth. It typically tends to understand unmarried women through the categories of celibates or widows (Lamb notes that when people think of a middle-aged unmarried woman, they think of a widow). Lamb states that to understand society, non-marriage is as important as marriage and with this book she has demonstrated why and how. Lamb’s methodology for this research has been to provide rich stories of women in the age group between the 30s and the 90s to bring out the subjective meanings of the experiences of being single and of the larger social processes (p. 8).

The book presents several interesting arguments across its seven chapters. For me, a scholar interested in the study of gender, marriage, class and intimacies, five themes stand out. To begin with, Lamb clarifies that being single is not a modern phenomenon. This is much required, for often there is a tendency to analyse a contemporary reality as a rupture from the past. Lamb explains that single women have always existed in Indian society and now this number—both in India and worldwide—is on the rise. Secondly, she astutely disentangles singlehood from narratives of freedom and choice. She argues that at times the decision to remain single is born not out of the desire for freedom or asserting choice but of being unable to find a suitable spouse (pp. 28–29). One reason for this is what she calls the ‘gendered mismatches of class’ (p. 49). According to Lamb, when women become extremely accomplished or ‘too educated’ they are not seen as suitable brides. This finding does speak to a wider scholarship (on India and other societies) that too has explored the links between a woman’s education and her suitability of being a prospective wife. For example, in China, the derogatory term sheng nu (leftover women) is used for women that are highly (‘too’) educated and professionally successful and remain unmarried.

A third striking feature is that Lamb studies the role and place of never-married women in the structures of kinship. She brings out the fragile and contradictory relationship of a never-married woman with her natal family, explaining how this relationship is not necessarily a seamless narrative of unwavering support nor of unequivocal abandonment. Lamb reveals that at times it is a woman’s natal family that acts as an impediment to her marriage, especially when the family is dependent on her income and fears that upon marriage she will give it to her husband and his family. At the same time the natal family does not want to give a never-married woman a share in her father’s property—even though after the 2020 and 2005 amendments to the Hindu Succession Act, 1957 this is now her legal right. If a woman does make such a claim she is seen as greedy, and her family might give her only a small portion of the family property. Lamb thus highlights how kinship also involves ‘inequalities and exclusion’ (p. 89).

This book gives importance to the themes of loneliness and care in the experience of being single. One of Lamb’s interviewees compares her ‘desolate situation to living in a desert’ (p. 88). Lamb delves deep into this aspect and discusses the many strategies women adopt to overcome loneliness, including relying on a strong friendship group. She notes that single women have a more optimistic opinion of old age homes and they look for ways to grow communities outside of kinship that provide care, support and love. Focusing on the sexuality and sexual experiences of never-married women, Lamb points out that single Indians do not seem keen on being sexually active and that they have a range of ‘nonnormative sexuality’ (p. 10) experiences, including sexual relationships with women, a male lover, pleasuring oneself or not having sex at all. Some of her interlocutors problematise gendered norms while others conform to sexual respectabilities (p. 111). In this way, Lamb brings out the diversity in the sexuality of never-married women in India.

Lamb’s research is a timely intervention as contemporary India is bereft of change especially in matters of gender, sexuality and (non)marriage. A holistic account, this book opens the door for further research. For instance, Lamb notes that in everyday life in Bengal, women are referred with the suffix of ma (mother) in various forms, like kakima and jethima, even by strangers. She argues that an unmarried woman is not given space in the language and, therefore, not in the social scene either (p. 33). In Hindi-speaking areas unmarried women are widely addressed as didi (sister). Is the place of unmarried women in these regions different, then? Lamb mentions that the experiences of singlehood, especially with regard to sexuality, might be different for the ‘youthful urban middle and elite classes’ (p. 111) or what she calls the ‘cosmopolitan elites’ (p. 3). At the same time, dating apps have permeated all classes of society. Could this imply greater sexual experiences or freedom across classes and urban/semi-urban centres? Moreover, it is not simply educated professional women who are living in condos in urban areas for work but also migrants from smaller cities. Will their experiences be drastically different?

Finally, while this is a book on single women and their narratives, perhaps male voices—especially their opinions on single women—would have added to the already rich account. No doubt this book is a must-read for scholars, students as well as a non-specialist audience interested in studying gender, sexuality, marriage and social change in India.