Abstract
Romantic heartbreak is common, affects all genders, and does not spare the adolescent or adult. While some recover and experience growth beyond their pre-break-up state, others do not fully recover. What are the factors that facilitate or impede recovery? Could there be restoration for heartbreak? These are some questions that this study set out to explore. Using a phenomenological lens, eight Caucasian adult females who self-reported as experiencing heartbreak from heterosexual and same sex relationships were interviewed. Emerging themes from transcribed and coded interviews included relational evolution, decline, end, rumination, and recovery. While each relational phase transitioned to the next, the path of rumination influenced participants’ level of recovery. Results indicated that participants who exhibited productive rumination eventually achieved a state of mental and spiritual renewal. Several implications are discussed, including how counselors may help to facilitate productive client rumination and renewal post heartbreak.
Carl Rogers (1959), the proponent of the person-centered approach to counseling argues that giving and receiving love are integral to human life. Inherent in this giving and receiving process is both euphoria from love feelings as well as heartbreak. According to Jagel (2013), romantic heartbreak is a human phenomenon experienced at least once in a lifetime, with women reporting more romantic heartbreak experiences than men. In a college community sample, 93% of both women and men indicated they had been spurned by someone they passionately loved, and 95% indicated they had rejected someone who was deeply in love with them (Baumeister et al., 1993). A study on romantic break-up distress indicated that 96% of participants reported emotional trauma of high or unbearable intensity after the break-up (Morris et al., 2015).
The euphoria in love relationships has been equated to feelings gained from substance use (Fisher et al., 2016). Brain scans have demonstrated that intense feelings associated with romantic love engage the brain’s dopamine pathways associated with ecstasy, motivation, energy, and focus. These pathways are sometimes referred to as the “reward system” and have been linked to addictive symptoms in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2013). The symptoms of addiction include behavior modification, craving, tolerance, emotional and physical dependence, and withdrawal. Individuals who experience intense love feelings report intense cravings and “can impel the love to believe, say and do dangerous and inappropriate things” (Fisher et al., 2016, p. 2).
Just as people who experience intense love have symptoms similar to those struggling with addictions, those who experienced unrequited love report having significant psychological distress including depression, anxiety, sadness, homicidality, and suicidality (Boals, 2014; del Palacio-Gonzalez et al., 2017; Rosenthal, 2002). Others have also found a correlation between heartbreak and physical ailments like increased blood pressure and suppression in the immune system (Langeslag & Sanchez, 2018). It appears that both the positive and negative ramifications of romantic relationships have anecdotal and empirical support. We wonder if there is any trajectory that delineates the process of love feelings during romantic attraction and physical and psychological stressors following the breakup of the romantic attraction.
Trauma in Heartbreak
Challenging experiences are ubiquitous in life; however, when these experiences push people beyond their normal ability to cope, we refer to it as “trauma” (Ball & Stein, 2012; Beck & Sloan, 2012). Simiola and colleagues (2015) in their study’s findings, identified that between 60% and 80% of adults experience at least one traumatic event in a lifetime. These traumatic experiences include natural and manmade disasters like earthquakes, sexual assault, flooding, terrorist attacks, terminal illnesses, robbery, and heartbreak. Even though many who go through traumatic experiences are able to return to their pre-trauma functioning, between 10% and 50% experience various mental health–related challenges (Friedman et al., 2016). Some of these mental health challenges include depression, insomnia, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD; APA, 2013). A few of these mental health problems have reportedly resulted in physical health issues (Chauvet-Gélinier et al., 2013; Myers et al., 2012).
Depression, a common symptom in romantic heartbreak, has been found to have a bidirectional relationship with coronary heart disease (Chauvet-Gélinier et al., 2013; Myers et al., 2012). When individuals are diagnosed with coronary heart disease, their risk for recurrence increases if they also struggle with depression. In addition, people who present with depression are twice more likely to die 18 months after a cardiac event than those without depression (Chauvet-Gélinier et al., 2013). Thus, even while people are ensuring healthy lifestyles to prevent some of these physical ailments, counselors also need to be proactive in helping clients who may have depressive symptoms, especially if these depressive symptoms can be traced to romantic heartbreak.
Remarkably, PTSD one of the effects of traumatic experiences, shares some symptoms with depression, accounting for why both disorders were put under the same chapter in earlier versions of the DSM. Navigation of stress-related experiences is integral to human experience (e.g., illness, death, accidents, betrayal; Beck & Sloan, 2012). Trauma is such a global experience that 60% of adults report at least one traumatic experience in their lives (Simiola et al., 2015). People who experience traumatic events report experiencing various symptoms associated with PTSD. These signs include avoidance, intrusive thoughts, negative alterations in cognition and mood, and the tendency to live recklessly. If people classify romantic heartbreak as a traumatic experience, then it is likely they may experience symptoms associated with both depression and PTSD.
Interestingly, individuals who experienced romantic heartbreak and related trauma, also report identifying growth beyond their pre-romance functioning. Growth beyond trauma or adversity is infused in both religious and non-religious narratives. Moreover, in research, several studies have reported high incidents of psychological growth after a traumatic event (Acquaye, 2017; Acquaye et al., 2018; Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2004; Tedeschi et al., 2007).
Growth after Trauma
Posttraumatic Growth (PTG; Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996) is believed to occur when individuals who experience immense traumatic events end up having a positive outlook on life and people, rather than isolating and being bitter. According to the proponents of the construct, when a person endures a traumatic event of seismic proportions, the experience destroys some pivotal part of their worldviews (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). However, despite the natural repercussion of intense negativity, these people seem to experience psychological growth, talk about it, and others in their lives witness an evolution. PTG has also been described as positive psychological changes that individuals report feeling after grappling with trauma-related experiences (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996, 2004). Despite the high percentage of reported traumatic experience, not all traumatized individuals go on to experience the debilitating effect of trauma. Some have reported experiencing positive life changes (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2004; Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996; Tedeschi et al., 2007).
PTG has three broad dimensions—interpersonal relationships, philosophy of life, and self-perception (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2006). These dimensions, when taken through a factor analytic study, produced five factors: (1) relating to others, (2) new possibilities, (3) personal strength, (4) spiritual change, and (5) appreciation of life (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). A sense of change in self-perception was connected with personal strength and new possibilities. The domains of PTG related to one’s philosophy of life were connected with the factors of increasing appreciation for life and a change in “spiritual and existential views, including stronger religious beliefs” (Taku et al., 2007, p. 354). Finally, the dimension that examined interpersonal relationships explored relating to others and the general appreciation for connection with significant others and one’s support system.
Moreover, in interpersonal relationships, people report having a deeper appreciation for relationship as well as putting a greater worth on relationships, resulting in becoming closer to loved ones. When trauma survivors report finding meaning and growth from the inscrutability of the traumatic experience, they discover their philosophy of life to have changed, leading to renewed priorities, a deepened appreciation of life, and enriched spirituality. Finally, when trauma survivors see themselves as having gained strength, greater confidence in their abilities and observing new possibilities in situations where they would not have seen these possibilities pre-trauma, the dimension of self-perception is activated (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). Whereas some individuals struggle to recover from a romantic break-up, others report experiencing recovery and growth—growth that is confirmed by significant others.
Tedeschi and Calhoun explain that personal growth is contingent on satisfactory completion of a schema reconstruction process—a process of meaning-making. Being both a process and an outcome, PTG aims to foster the intentional processing of trauma both cognitively and communicatively to manage the adverse psychological repercussion of trauma. Tedeschi and Calhoun do not propose that individuals rebuild fundamental beliefs destroyed by the trauma. Rather, individuals develop a new set of assumptions that incorporate the changes from the trauma and are congruent to the individual’s personhood (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996).
Based on the literature on romantic heartbreak, trauma, and PTG, this study proposes to explore pre- and post-romantic influences on heartbreak, and the emotional outcomes thereafter. What factors, if any, influence a break-up? Furthermore, what are the emotional outcomes after a romantic heartbreak?
Method
In light of existing literature, the objective of this study was to explore the lived experiences of adults who had gone through romantic heartbreak, and to better understand the path of interpersonal change (if any) that may occur after a romantic heartbreak. Because this study is an exploratory study, we surmised that a qualitative study would be appropriate. There are several genres within qualitative research. Some identify people or cultural groups in their daily living—Ethnography (Wolcott, 2008), while others strive to build a theory from ground up—Grounded Theory (Charmaz, 2006); still others use first person accounts of experiences—Narrative Inquiry (Clandinin, 2007). However, because this study set out to examine the shared experiences of participants, the phenomenological approach was deemed acceptable (Husserl, 1931; Moustakas, 1994). We opted for Moustakas’ (1994) explanation of phenomenology because of his focus on common meaning from one or multiple persons’ perspectives.
Participants
Participants were eight adult Caucasian females in the Northwest, Southwest, Midwest and Northeast parts of United States (see Table 1 for demographic information). Participants’ age at romantic heartbreak differed as did the length of time in the relationship. Of the eight participants, only one reported a relationship with a same sex partner. Pseudonyms were given to participants to protect their identities.
Participant Demographics.
Procedure
We sought and gained approval from the university’s institutional review board (IRB). Thereafter, data collection began. A multi-stage non-random sampling method was used for this study—purposeful and snowball sampling methods (Creswell & Poth, 2018; Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). To make the pool as wide as possible, the first author, through purposeful sampling, posted a video announcement on Facebook and another on a blog. She provided her email address to enable prospective participants to reach out to her. Snowball sampling occurred when she liaised with a known individual via word of mouth, who in turn connected her to other possible participants.
Once people emailed her, she provided them with documents that explained the research. She performed an initial screening where participants were selected if they met the following inclusion criteria: (1) adult between 28 and 35 years, (2) report having gone through romantic heartbreak, (3) report experiencing a change in life outlook, and (4) have a willingness to speak with the researchers. No compensation was given to participants. When inclusion criteria were met, the first researcher supplied prospective participants with the informed consent document explaining the rights and responsibilities of participants. These rights included the ability to pull out of the study should the interviewing process become too emotional and triggering for them.
Interviews of participants lasted 3 months over the spring 2018 semester. The main questions guiding the interview were: “how did you experience a romantic heartbreak?” “What was the process of recovery like for you?” And, “in what way (if any) did you experience loss or gain after romantic heartbreak?” Each of the interviews lasted between 60 and 100 minutes. The first author conducted all interviews, audio recorded, and transcribed them. She gave each participant a pseudonym to ensure anonymity. Participants were also asked to complete a demographic questionnaire, which asked questions about their age, occupation, and age at which heartbreak occurred.
Trustworthiness
The authors used several strategies to ensure trustworthiness (Creswell, 2013). We used audit trail, bracketing interview, external audit, and member checking. In audit trail, the first author who did all the data collection maintained comprehensive records of how data were collected. She checked in with the second author to make sure the research protocol was followed.
Using bracketing interview meant that researchers would reflect on their connection with the topic being investigated. Apart from one member, all researchers had some experience with romantic heartbreak. Researchers would regularly debrief on how their own experiences provided a unique lens in understanding participants’ narratives. The one member who had not experienced romantic heartbreak provided a neutral voice, especially in how questions were asked about explaining participants’ narratives.
The third approach to trustworthiness was external audit. The fourth author served as an external auditor by establishing that participants’ narratives were appropriately clustered under the themes extracted from the transcripts. These steps in trustworthiness were used to ensure the rigor of the study. Finally, the first author went back to the participants, in member checking, to confirm or disconfirm if the transcribed interviews were consistent with what they remember sharing with her. Any necessary edits were done to reflect accuracy of the narrative.
Data Analysis
The first author conducted and transcribed all interviews into a Microsoft word document. We used Colaizzi’s (1978) eight-step strategy in describing participants’ lived experiences. The steps were as follows:
Read transcripts several times to get a sense of whole content;
Add to bracketing journal any thoughts, feelings, and ideas gained due to connection with topic;
Identify significant statements and phrases from transcript;
Aggregate formulated meanings from significant statements;
Provide categories, clusters of themes from meanings;
Integrate resulting ideas into exhaustive description of phenomenon;
Reduce exhaustive description to fundamental structure;
Return to participants for member checking;
Validate exhaustive description and its fundamental structure.
The researchers read the transcripts several times throughout the coding process. The first researcher, with the help of the second, aggregated formulated meanings from significant statements and provided categories for these statements. The first researcher integrated the results into an exhaustive description of the phenomenon. Steps 7 and 9 were combined where the first and third authors reduced and validated the exhaustive description to a fundamental structure. The first author went back to participants for member checking to ensure accuracy of the narrative of participants.
Results
The authors set out to explore the lived experiences of adults who had gone through romantic heartbreak and the path to possible interpersonal change after the romantic heartbreak. Using Colaizzi’s eight-step strategy in exploring lived experiences, results of this phenomenological study revealed that participants experienced romantic heartbreak and growth as “evolution of relationship,” “shift in relationship,” “end of relationship,” and “rumination about relationship” (see Figure 1).

Themes on romantic relationships and emotional outcomes.
All participants experienced a relationship evolution, shift, end, and rumination. Irrespective of length in time, most participants recovered psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, beyond their pre-break-up state. However, others experienced chronic emotional, physical, and psychological suffering. These diverging paths revealed two separate participant experiences pre- and post-romantic heartbreak.
First major theme—Evolution of relationship
In the first theme, participants experienced romance as evolution before heartbreak. This theme depicts where the couples’ connection developed into a stable or turbulent committed relationship. Because of this distinct pathway, we classified the former as Group 1 and the latter as Group 2 (see Figure 2).

Distinct pathways in romantic relationships.
Evolution Group 1—Stable connection
Key differences between the two groups were that in Group 1, participants experienced intentional pursuit, thoughtful caring, communication, and vulnerability from their beloved. These attributes, in turn, fostered within the participant a sense of safety and affirmation of emotional needs. Participants experienced intentional pursuit from their partners, indicating a more serious level of interest. Daphne’s pursuer flew across the world to emphasize his affection. She described her experience at the beginning of their relationship, “so, he ends up surprising me and flying to Australia a month into my trip. I like enjoyed the pursuit in a sense where it was, it wasn’t unwelcomed . . .” Eden also experienced the pursuit of her partner in a way that made his desire to date her clearly known, she stated “um, and yeah, long story short, basically for the first time ever I had a man like sit me down and look me in the eyes and say like, this is who I am and these are my intentions with you.”
Participants experienced thoughtful caring in diverse ways. Eden described her experience in this way “He listened and . . . the entire way that he pursued me was thoughtful and nuanced.” In the early stages of their relationship, Eden assessed her partner’s character traits as, “one of his strongest character traits was just hospitality and caring for people.” The way he demonstrated care stood out to her, “. . . I was someone who would take notice of people and would want to put their needs before myself, so to have someone else like that was very attractive . . . I hadn’t seen that in a lot of men.”
Not only did the pursuers demonstrate intention and care, they also showcased the skill of communication and vulnerability. The way Daphne’s pursuer asked her questions and demonstrated vulnerability drew her to him. She stated, “he was so amazing and so full of life and, and vulnerable and was good at asking questions, like he just was an amazing soul of a human.” As their relationship developed, they identified a physical place to communicate tower 52 is a lifeguard tower on the beach and that’s where we would meet to have talks. . . So, we had a tower 52 moment and even though I was the one in the wrong, he had an entire list of like things that he had done wrong . . . He was so vulnerable . . .
Ultimately participants began to experience feelings of emotional and psychological safety due to intentional pursuit, thoughtful caring, communication, and vulnerability. As the relationships evolved, so did the emotional impact on the participant. Daphne stated, “so it was the most transforming, beautiful growing relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life.” As Daphne experienced safety, she also learned to develop relationship trust and communication skills. She explained, “so that is probably the biggest takeaway of this relationship was through my relationship I learned to trust. I learned to love, to receive love, to give love, to communicate.” Daphne’s partner fostered in her a sense of psychological safety, which gave her confidence; she stated, “I had no fear. I felt like I was the only woman walking the planet.” Eden also experienced a sense of safety and peace. She described “. . . it’s honestly, probably the most like at ease and peaceful . . . I’ve felt . . .”
Evolution Group 2—Turbulent connection
Unlike participants in Group 1 who experienced intentional pursuit and open communication, participants in Group 2 experienced partners who imposed pressured pursuit, mixed messages, manipulation, deception, and sexual violation. Such encounters led participants to experience shame and diminished self-worth. Participants experienced pressured pursuit, and manipulation in different forms, one of which was pressure to escalate sexual activity. Brielle shared Um, so we started hanging out and he, I mean we weren’t even dating for . . . even . . . two weeks . . . maybe a week. It was just right after that. And he’s like, I love you. And I was . . . oh thank you . . . And then he got mad at me because I didn’t say it back . . . So, from the party . . . to sex was no more than three weeks . . . maybe two and a half weeks
Participants encountered mixed messages when their partners were inconsistent in demonstrating value for the relationship. Felicity’s partner encouraged emotional affection from Felicity, while simultaneously pursuing a second individual. April also experienced mixed messages from her partner and stated “she saw me . . . and she would value me. But it wasn’t consistent. She was very um, hot and cold.”
While relational pressure, manipulation, and mixed messages drove emotional division, half of those in this group encountered sexual violation. Grace stated: “like um, so I slept on the floor and uh, . . . he slept on his bed. And then in the morning when I woke up, he was like, next to me, like trying to make something happen.” Brielle detailed her account with her boyfriend, “he was like, oh my gosh, like I’m so sorry, . . . I’m such a jerk, . . . But anyway, . . . he raped me, he raped me . . . It took me a long time to realize that that’s what had happened.” Brielle further recalled experiencing shame while at a sporting event, when a stranger noted the poor sportsmanship of her boyfriend, and his friends “. . . I just remember this woman like looked at me and the look on her face was like such pity. Like, girl, why are you with these guys? . . . And uh, I felt a lot of shame . . .”
Grace, likewise, recalled her partner’s actions, which made her feel unworthy. She stated, “I think um, the way that he treated me . . . how he was a jerk and pretended like I didn’t exist and . . . he assaulted me, . . . I think I had felt like something’s wrong with me . . . I’m not worthy . . .” Similarly, Felicity experienced a sense of diminished self-worth as her pursuer openly communicated his interest in both her and another woman; she felt his partial offer of interest was the best she deserved. She described her feeling as “this goes back to the self-worth thing . . . So, I’m going to take what I can get because that’s about the best I can get.”
Second major theme—Shift in relationship
The “Shift,” similar to “relationship evolution,” presented two distinct participant paths. Those in Group 1 experienced a steady relational evolution until the point of the shift. The relationship then began to shift from stability toward instability, perpetuated by factors of stress, partner uncertainty, stifled communication, and/or stalling. The shift experienced by Group 2 participants was less influenced by the diminishing behavior of their partner and more by the participant’s personal recognition of their disempowerment amid a relationship with a diminishing partner.
Shift Group 1—Internal/external stress
During the shift, either the participants or their partners experienced a change in the relationship through stressors. Stressors surfaced in the form of uncertainty or unmet expectations. Participants experienced stress through stifled communication or partner stalling. Throughout the shift, emotional buffering most consistently influenced stifled communication. Eden reflected: “so the biggest shift I remember feeling was a heart sense of like ‘hey what do you need to share?’. And he stopped disclosing.” The communication shifted from clarity to confusion as emotional distance increased. Eden reflected “maybe it was like we were both holding back emotionally because we weren’t sure where the other stood.” Eden initiated opportunity to connect with her partner, which was met with avoidance: “I think . . . several times I had kind of said like, I just, I think I had voiced I feel distant . . . but I think he was just like, no, it’s, it’s fine.” Eden pursued emotional intimacy yet experienced her partner’s withdrawal, stating to her partner “every time I ask you about it, you withdraw.”
While the participants were hopeful about the relationship’s progress, they began to experience a prolonged delay in the previously stated commitments of their partners. Eden reflected, “he would reference our wedding time, like the season we wanted to get married . . . Um, so I started feeling anxious because it was really hard for me to turn it off in my head.” Similarly, Ivah experienced relationship stalling, which created frustration. She reported telling her partner, “we either need to take this to the next level or break-up. And I was getting frustrated. I just didn’t feel like he was going anywhere with it.”
Participants faced barriers in communication due to the underlying uncertainty in the relationship’s progress. Eden recalled the uncertainty her partner faced, “he started explaining to me that he was having doubts.” She reported his words as “I’ve been struggling because I so want to be with you . . . yet I haven’t gotten the feeling you get when you want to propose to someone . . . I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not feeling confirmation.” While Eden experienced her partner’s uncertainty, Ivah experienced the dissonance of unmet expectations leading to disconnection, and stated, “. . . we each had different unmet expectations. Whether conscious or not, he brought expectations from previous relationships and I brought expectations of imagined relationships. Those were expectations that I don’t think either one of us directly addressed . . .” Whether through partner uncertainty, unmet expectations, or barriers of communication, the emotional shift from intimacy to ambiguity was experienced deeply by participants. Eden stated, “I saw him, and I felt separateness. I felt like our soul ties had been lost. I felt like he is not mine anymore.”
Shift Group 2—Recognition of disempowerment
While Group 1 participants experienced a steady relationship evolution followed by a distinct shift, Group 2 participants experienced a more turbulent relationship evolution. This shift was experienced as an awakening of themselves; they recognized their disempowerment amid deception, manipulation, abuse, or drug use. Recognition took two forms: inner self-recognition and an external voice of God. In courage, participants listened to God or their inner voice calling them out of the relationship.
Experiences of deception surfaced through partner infidelity for April and Christine. April reflected “but that’s kind of her thing . . . that tends to be her trajectory where she is unfaithful to whoever she is seeing.” After 4 years of dating, Christine experienced her boyfriend’s online infidelity, “I started seeing like Facebook messages that were sent to him or by him to like other women . . . but I think he just figured he’d be able to explain his way out of things . . .” Trust was broken for Daphne when she discovered her partner had relapsed into drugs, “there is no relationship here, there is no trust.” Daphne questioned her future with her partner, and the risk of his drug addiction reflecting “can I really bring kids into this knowing their dad’s a heroin addict and could potentially like kill them, kill himself, and be a shitty Dad?”
Participants began to acknowledge the detriment of their partner to their relationship and to themselves. Christine processed the infidelity of her boyfriend, and her decision to move toward breaking up: “um, it was hard, but I knew that it was good because . . . I was tired of having that pit in my stomach . . .” Similarly, Daphne grappled with how to move forward in her relationship, as she felt the grip of two opposing emotions—her love for her partner, and the reality of his drug addiction. She explained “and it was like the passion and pain part where I was in so much pain and I was in so much passion that I’m like good riddance.” She further expressed this regret, “he’s a great human like who he is as a wonderful man, but I was finally at a point of like, I have to go, I have to go.”
In this state of reflection, several participants reported experiencing the “voice of God,” and a renewed understanding of their self-worth amid their pain. Through recognition of their value, participants took steps toward relational independence. Grace explained about having a dream and stated: “God said in my kingdom, you have a voice.” This dream gave her such strength, she said, “I like wrote it down and like I put it on my wall.” Brielle’s experience with God’s voice was a bit different from Grace’s. Brielle stated “I was driving down the street and I felt like God said, Brielle you need to go get your tattoo today . . . I wanted a tattoo that says ‘tu es mon coeur,’ which means you are my heart, . . . which is Jesus . . .Which is symbolic of my journey with him” Feeling empowered by the voice of God, Brielle wrote a 100-word manifesto declaring her values and reasons to walk away from a relationship that made her feel unworthy. Whether through self-recognition or God’s prompts, participants acknowledged their disempowerment and took active steps toward independence.
Third major theme—End of relationship
In this theme, participants processed the end of their romantic relationships. Participants experienced the “end of relationship” as death, anguish, relief, and a landmark event. The theme of death was consistent as they described what felt like the death of a relationship, the death of a person, or the death of their hope in a long-term relationship and future. Inasmuch as Daphne ended her relationship because of her partner’s drug relapse, it was painful to say goodbye. She described her feeling of loss in this way, “It feels like a death . . . it’s . . . more traumatizing because . . . , they’re like the walking dead . . . Like I’m choosing that for me. April reflected on how the loss of her relationship felt like death, “it felt, it felt like a death and I felt I did just kind of feel I was very, very sad. Like I felt very, very depressed from it.” Similarly, Ivah shared, “it feels like a relationship has died, so I had a lot of grief.”
In addition to the metaphor of death, participants described having to say goodbye to the futures they had anticipated. Daphne compared the loss of her future hope to that of a miscarriage, stating “I compared it to a miscarriage where you never had it but you’re dreaming and planning and prepping and you’re planning a life around this event—this person—your future, and then it never happens.” Like the pain of death, participants described experiencing anguish. Christine shared her experience, “just anguish, anguish, because it’s like my whole world was wrapped up in this thing. To where I didn’t know where I was going next.” Similarly, Daphne shared how she felt “distraught” and “I was in this like inner turmoil.”
Interestingly, some also experienced relief. Participants experienced relief at the point of break-up when they were able to get clarity after partner withdrawal. Others experienced grief to lose someone in whom they had invested, while simultaneously feeling relief to end a painful relationship. Eden stated her experience of relief: “I was, as hard as the conversation was, it was surreal and, in the moment, I just remember feeling a sense of relief . . .” Daphne stated her sense of relief in this way, “I just felt released. I felt freedom. I felt good. It’s one of those like you love them at a distance and you keep your boundaries and you do what’s best for you.” It was painful for Christine to break-up with her boyfriend, yet in recounting her decision she knew it would create relief: “it was hard but I knew it was good because I was just like, I was sick of having a pit in my stomach feeling, like what is he up to now?”
At the end of the relationship, some of the participants looked back on their life experiences and described them as a landmark event. Eden reflected “If I were to chart out the three or four landmarks in my life that shaped me as a person, this is one.” April shared her experiences in this way “it does seem like a before and after to me . . . I would like to think of life more as on a continuum, but I think it was so intense, like that particular event was so intense.”
Fourth major theme—Rumination
The phase of rumination was an overarching theme experienced by all participants. The theme revealed two paths—productive rumination and stuck rumination. Participants who exhibited productive rumination eventually achieved a state of emotional, mental, and spiritual renewal, while participants who exhibited stuck rumination experienced chronic mental and emotional suffering (see Figure 3).

Pathways of Rumination.
Productive rumination
Three sub-themes emerged out of productive rumination—recognition of loss; re-configuration of meaning; and renewal. Participants who reached a state of renewal encountered each phase of productive rumination. The phases encountered were not necessarily linear; the length of time to achieve renewal was unique to each participant. In recognition of loss, the first sub-theme, participants lamented the romantic loss without distraction, directly facing the pain of their heartbreak. As a way to express their lament, participants constructed metaphors and personal narratives to describe their emotional pain, and foster hope for a new day. Eden explained her process of lament stating, “I let myself admit I am heartbroken, I am devastated. I wanted to marry him, and I am not with him anymore.” Similarly, Daphne reflected: “I was in this like inner turmoil, like, like is this really done. . .” Brielle lamented, “I had just turned 30 . . . that was part of the grieving process for me. I thought none of what I expected my life to look like at 30 is where it is at, . . . I was just heartbroken.”
Participants faced their pain in solitude as well as with the support of a community. Support from others varied from family, friends, the community. Some also turned to God. In Daphne’s experience of heartbreak, she looked for connection and created monthly dinners inviting strangers to come and share areas of grief and rejoicing. She shared, “. . . Honestly, it was a year of recovery and a year of dinners. I wanted to do one dinner a month for the year of 2017 and that really brought me through my healing . . .”
While all participants reported experiencing emotional lament, some of them utilized metaphors to assist in their recognition of loss and path toward healing. The metaphors varied from wildfires to winter promises. Daphne observed how in wildfires, the forest is burned but new life emerges. Brielle described her metaphor as “winter, like the death of winter is what brings the promise of spring and that without having winter, there is no spring.” The use of metaphors, propelled by rumination, facilitated the participant’s ability to recognize their personal loss, lament it, and shift their mental narrative toward hope.
Participants emerged from recognition of loss and moved toward re-configuration of meaning, which involved developing an accurate appraisal of their former relationship, of themselves, and a re-defined sense of purpose. They ruminated on their former relationship and accurately appraised both its strengths and weaknesses in a way that empowered them to move forward. Participants who held an accurate assessment of partner wrongdoing and simultaneously demonstrated benevolence or forgiveness, progressed toward self-healing and recovery at a faster rate. Eden shared her journey toward accurate appraisal of her ex-partner, “so, I felt benevolence towards him the entire time because that’s the way I’m wired. Part of my processing though was I needed to be mad for the way that I had been done wrong . . . I was hurt.”
In assessing their past relationships, participants gained increased self-awareness, which grew into empowerment and thereby redefined their self-perception. Daphne described this experience as “I gained myself . . . it opened up a whole new side of me that I didn’t even know was there.” Brielle recognized her value and reflected: “I think, . . . just processing through that and realizing, no, I deserve better than this . . . I am a person . . . I love Jesus. I love people. I love life . . . I’m a good friend. . . . I don’t have to settle . . .”
Some of the participants discovered a newfound bravery—what they feared in heartbreak, they encountered, and became psychologically stronger. Daphne reflected, “it’s almost like I’ve lived through the fire. Like what is your biggest fear? I’ve lived through it. I’m alive and life is beautiful, and it didn’t kill me.” Through self-awareness and newfound inner strength, participants obtained purpose in life. Christine attributed her discovery of purpose amid pain to God when she stated “. . . my key to finding purpose after the end of all of that was going to the source of God. I can’t be where I am without God . . . I could not have orchestrated this better.” Daphne described how her heartbreak led to new vocational opportunity; “I hit rock bottom and then I just kind of used it as launchpad of like popping back up. It launched me into this whole new direction of events.”
Through re-configuration of meaning, participants worked to accurately appraise ex-partners, re-define their sense of self, and re-construct their life purpose. Through enduring the process of re-configuration, participants met a state of renewal. Within the state of renewal, three sub-themes emerged. Participants began to experience a change in life priorities, an enriched spirituality, and a renewed appreciation for life.
Participants who experienced a shift in life priorities were specifically impacted in areas of vocational purpose and calling. One of the participants began a women’s network that opened the space for other women to share their pain to empower them to heal. Similarly, another participant became a disability civil rights lawyer, while one of the participants became a counselor. All vocational changes were in some form, influenced by their heartbreak. Some of the participants grew in their spirituality as a result of their heartbreak. Eden reflected “so I started turning to, like, my faith, I started turning to prayer and to the Lord and to scripture searching for answers . . .” Brielle also experienced a newfound spiritual closeness, stating “It really, it really pushed me to strive for, for something better and for something deeper and something more Christ-like.”
Stuck rumination
While most participants experienced heartbreak as a catalyst toward renewal, some went on to experience chronic suffering and illness. The path of stuck rumination presented as perseveration of loss, appraisal bias, and ultimately, suppression of renewal. Perseveration of loss presented as prolonged and repetitive recollection of loss in absence of partner, which did not facilitate closure. Participant Felicity states, “I have no answers and that’s really stressing me out because I feel like I have no closure.” Participants demonstrated appraisal bias when rumination focused to the positive traits only of ex-partner maintaining romantic feelings. While Felicity experienced the pain of pursuit and rejection by a married man, her feelings of romanticism remained, stating “. . . if their marriage ended, would you want something to start with him? . . . yes . . . he’s like a soul mate . . . those feelings are still there and . . . I don’t know how to give it to a different person.” Participants who experienced chronic perseveration and misappraisal of ex-partner communicated limited self-discovery and indicated a change in life outlook, which perpetuated a greater level of mistrust toward others, which ultimately led toward a suppression of renewal. Felicity shares her experience of mistrust stating “So because like I dunno both with mistrust of myself and my own ability to read a situation but also a mistrust of other people and their intentions.”
While Felicity did not report symptoms associated with post-traumatic growth such as a renewed appreciation of life, spiritual change, and new possibilities, she did indicate an appreciation for supportive connection stating, “Not, not saying that my feelings are right or true, but just having somebody listen and be like, I hear you, I hear your heart, hear where you’re coming from. And that sucks. I can see why you feel that way. Having that person support you, even in your darkest emotions, rather than doing that Christianese thing of pray harder to the person that gets right down there in the dirt with you and says, this sucks. That I think has played one of the biggest parts in the recovery that I’ve made so far.” Amid feelings of perseveration, and appraisal bias, an empathetic other helped to facilitate the path toward incremental recovery.
Discussion
The goal of this study was to explore the lived experiences of adult females’ journey through romantic heartbreak. The data provide support that within the pain of romantic heartbreak, a redefined sense of self, life, priorities, and appreciation can emerge (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004; Tedeschi et al., 2007). While all participants endured romantic heartbreak, the emotional outcomes revealed distinct and different paths following the phases of evolution, shift, end, and rumination. Through the evolution, two groups emerged revealing one group of participants who experienced virtuous partner characteristics, while a secondary group of participants experienced diminishing partner characteristics. Amid the relationship shift, some participants experienced a collapsing of the relationship beyond their control, whereas others experienced a sense of empowerment to leave the relationship. At the relationship end, all participants experienced grief, and on the path after heartbreak, all participants demonstrated rumination. Those who demonstrated productive rumination achieved a state of renewal; whereas those who demonstrated stuck rumination, experienced a level of suppression.
There was no timeline to how long the phase of evolution lasted before the shift occurred as each stage blended into the other. All participants experienced the shift; however, some participants experienced the shift due to internal or external stress, while others experienced it due to a recognition of relational disempowerment.
Consistent with existing literature on the effect of heartbreak on both the physical and psychological health (Chung & Hunt, 2014; Langeslag & Sanchez, 2018; Morris et al., 2015), participants in this study reported symptoms like sleeplessness, depression, and hypervigilance. Even though this study did not collect medical data, we can infer from interviews and literature that some of the participants experienced PTSD and lower levels of psychological well-being (Chung & Hunt, 2014). Despite abuse that some of the participants endured, each of them experienced heartbreak with symptoms similar to clusters in trauma and stress-related disorders.
Literature on PTG addresses terminal diseases, veteran experiences with war-related traumatic experiences, childhood sexual trauma, growth from natural disasters, and man-made horrors. However, there is little that addresses trauma from romantic heartbreak. This study adds to the literature in revealing how the pain from a broken relationship can lead to PTG, specifically in the areas of philosophy of life and self-perception (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2006). Participants in this study report finding positive life changes within the romantic heartbreak, a phenomenon discussed at length in the literature on PTG (Tedeschi et al., 2007). In addition, within the PTG literature, there is emphasis on community and its influence on the healing process. Participants admitted using community resources to heal from the pain and obtain PTG. In sum, participants experienced PTG as discovering themselves, hearing from God, having a newer appreciation of their personal strength, and using both human and non-human resources to heal toward a better part of themselves. These experiences are consistent with the dimensions within PTG that speak about relating to others, personal strength, spiritual change, and new possibilities.
Theological Implications from Heartbreak
How did many of our participants experience God in and after the heartbreak? In their distress, they encountered a God who sees, a God who loves, and a God who restores. They encountered a God who sees their anguish, one who demonstrates a faithful enduring love, and one who could restore their hearts to a new identity and a flourishing in Him.
The God who sees
Participant Grace felt seen by God as she recovered from a partner who had emotionally disregarded her and sexually violated her. She was made to feel worthless. She shared “in many ways like in our relationship . . . how he was a jerk and pretended like I didn’t exist and the times that he assaulted me . . . I think I had felt like something’s wrong with me. Like I’m, I’m like, I’m not worthy . . . ” It was in this space of feeling worthless and without a voice that Grace experienced the God who sees: “I feel like God just gave me this really beautiful picture . . . of me and like this beautiful gown and this beautiful robe and I was like in this palace and . . . God said ‘In my Kingdom, you have a voice’.”
Throughout scripture the Lord sees the sufferer and responds with compassion, and justice. In the Old Testament, Hagar fled mistreatment into the desert and grieved in misery. Yet the Lord saw Hagar, and tended to her suffering; Hagar responded, “You are a God of seeing” (Genesis 16:13). In the New Testament, a widow grieving the death of her only son, encountered Jesus: “when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, “Do not weep” (Luke 7:13). God sees and is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
The God who loves
Participant Brielle was prompted to remember God’s enduring love for her amid a tumultuous breakup where she felt abandoned and heartbroken. She recounts the story in this way “I was driving down the street . . . and I felt like God said, Brielle you need to go get your tattoo . . . that says ‘tu es mon Coeur’, which means you are my heart, which is, which is Jesus. Which is symbolic of my journey with him.” Brielle interpreted this experience as God declaring: “you are Mine; you are loved you are My heart.”
The God who restores
Brielle shared, “I’ve realized in this process of healing of rediscovery of who I am and what I’m worth and realizing that I don’t have to settle . . . being in a relationship with someone isn’t, isn’t what defines my value . . .” Similarly, Grace discovered her voice, “I have felt like . . . God had something really big in that for me. Like I have felt like, hey, I can stand up for myself and um, and there’s been really good things that have come from that . . . So I just feel like I’ve just been blossoming.” Likewise, Christine expressed her reliance on God and the renewal of her life purpose “So I went back and I was like, wow, look at God, . . . Like if somebody wants to tell me that there is no God, I’d like . . . ask them to explain my life without Him . . . I can’t be where I am without God . . .”
The Old Testament prophet Isaiah declares the truth of God’s restoration in the dry wilderness: “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19). God makes a way and provides renewal. In the New Testament, the apostle Peter declares the truth of Christs restoration: “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10).
Implications for Mental Health Workers
It is important to note that even though romantic heartbreak is a common experience, not all who experience it recover. Some who never recover have a higher chance of getting depressed, and are 33% likely to be hospitalized (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2018). While the current landscape of counseling is steeped in resources to truncate symptoms of depression, trauma, and bereavement, there is an increasing opportunity for clinicians to support romantic heartbreak and the path to PTG. Educating and equipping clinicians will transform the landscape of heartbreak recovery by empowering clients to reconfigure hardship into self-discovery, a redefined philosophy of meaning, and redirected sense of purpose, and social impact. Counselors can help clients grieve well and gain closure through recognition of loss, re-configuration of meaning, and renewal.
Research indicates that romantic heartbreak may mimic symptoms of bereavement, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, and even immune dysfunction. Counselors would need to approach clients experiencing romantic heartbreak as they would any client going through grief counseling. Participants in this study compared the break to a death, making it reasonable for counselors to treat clients experiencing heartbreak as those whose loved ones have died.
Finally, counselors could help clients engage in applying positive psychology even within the heartbreak, which may contribute to PTG. Some aspects of positive psychology may include benefit finding, self-forgiveness, and hope in future relationships. Moreover, counselors can help clients in using their community by sharing their personal narrative and even volunteering by mentoring others. Romantic heartbreak can happen, yet within the pain, rebirth of purpose and identity can also break forth.
While the qualitative nature of the study allowed participants to describe what they classified as trauma and growth, the non-random sampling method coupled with the small sample size makes it hard to generalize to the bigger population. Furthermore, studying women alone makes it difficult to generalize to the male population. Also, experiences from participants below and above the age range could have provided other themes. Thus, exploring the narratives of people within the 24–35 age bracket limits the experiences of individuals who have experienced romantic heartbreak and PTG.
Limitations of the Study
Even though Creswell (2013) indicates that six to eight participants are adequate for a phenomenological study, we believe that had we had more participants till we reached saturation, it would have provided some more nuanced meanings than what we currently have. We, therefore, recommend that future studies that seek to replicate this study increase the number of participants. Furthermore, the fact that all our participants were Caucasian and female biases our results. Had we had a mix of ethnicities and mixed gender, we could probably have obtained different results in how participants experienced PTG. We recommend that future studies expand the sample ethnicity and gender base to expand the experiences of participants.
In addition, if we had widened our sample base to bring in “non-religious” participants, we could have gained further insight into the factors that constitute PTG. Finally, participants’ ages when they experienced romantic heartbreak was not the same, and the time since the heartbreak occurred differed among participants. Had they all been in a similar age bracket when the heartbreak occurred, it would have provided different results. Also, if the number of years since the heartbreak had been similar, we could have compared the healing process in a chronological manner. Finally, participants appeared to be people who had some connection with some faith beliefs. Because of this, it is possible for the authors to have made the connection with the spirituality piece in PTG. Had participants not been people of faith, it is possible their experience of PTG would have looked different from how our current participants’ experiences of the connection with a sacred being appeared to be a major theme in the work. We encourage readers to read this article, being informed about these limitations.
Recommendations for Future Research
Future research could look at the similarities and differences in this journey between males and females. Narratives could explore if males experience evolution, shift, end, and rumination differently from females. Moreover, future research could broaden the geographic location to examine whether location plays a role in the experiences of romantic heartbreak and its consequent pathways.
Also, the theme of “stuck rumination” could be explored more in future studies. For this study, only one participant appeared to have experienced that, and since the majority experienced “productive rumination,” it would be interesting to explore the narratives of people who have experienced romantic heartbreak and have stuck rumination. Exploring that theme could provide new insight into PTG, while giving therapists another avenue to look at the grieving process of clients who have experienced romantic heartbreak.
It will be interesting to explore how attachment styles correlate with participants’ PTSD symptoms, as well as how their attachment styles enhance or inhibit growth from romantic heartbreak. It will also be interesting to explore how romantic heartbreak influences future relationships in both men and women. Finally, with the protracted adulthood we are experiencing worldwide, how does romantic heartbreak affect age of marriage and remarriage?
Footnotes
Author’s Note
Rebecca J. Crowder is now affiliated with George Fox University, USA.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
