Abstract
Well-intentioned Christians desirous of establishing cross-religious friendships, often encounter obstacles to what I call here giftive mission, that is, graciously giving to and receiving from one another. Grace is key, because giftive mission carries a high risk of failure. Nevertheless, wisely navigating several trouble spots in developing relationships with persons of other religions and cultures can help avoid and overcome obstacles. This article addresses five common areas of tension and potential misunderstanding in cross-religious interpersonal relationships: ideas; dress; female/male interactions; communication; and time. This list is certainly not exhaustive. Learning to understand and respect “alien ways” is a lifelong journey, but the joy of building friendships with people of other faiths is a reward worthy of effort to overcome the challenges.
I think it is safe to say thoughtful Christians want to establish friendships with those of different religions and cultures. And friendship should be fun; it should be easy, right? Well, I want to point out some obstacles to an effortless road to those friendships.
As Christians we desire to love others, giving and receiving gifts from those different from ourselves. Giftive mission requires an understanding of cultural norms and habits different from our own. It further requires a respect for those alien ways. How can I understand and respect customs that run counter to my own deeply felt habits and values? The task of giftive mission requires that and more.
At this point maybe I should mention grace. The gospel’s demands invite failure. And we do fail, and often. One difficult task is gracefully receiving gifts from others that may not suit us. Another task is learning to give gifts that suit others rather than ones that we would choose for ourselves.
We start out with optimism. We meet a Muslim on the bus, we attend an interreligious dinner, we visit a synagogue or Sikh temple. But then things happen that we didn’t predict—things that run contrary to our expectations. We experience tensions, roadblocks, misunderstandings—interpersonal relationships falter. Where do we go from there?
Let me outline a number of trouble spots for developing relationships with persons of other religions and cultures. We will talk about dress—what is expected of us if, for instance we enter a mosque. How should we dress on the street or in the classroom if we live in a society in which religion affects dress codes? Are there sexual implications to dressing in a particular way? How about hats—where and when to wear them?
A related topic is male–female interactions. What does it mean for a woman to look directly into the eyes of a man? That changes considerably across cultures. What is considered modest dress when we are in mixed company? When can a woman be alone in a room with a man? And does it matter which room?
Those issues are related to role expectations. In some cultures, a traditional interaction hierarchy between men and women may be expected in family and neighborhood affairs. The academic setting may require something different. How can one be sensitive to such distinctions when visiting a Hindu family or teaching at a Christian university in an Islamic culture? Situations differ—are there guidelines about role expectations that can guide us?
How does one navigate expectations around religious practices? Can I pray with a Muslim friend? How do I do that? What about dinner at a Hindu home—do I skip my silent Christian prayer? Would that offend?
Customs around time differ widely across cultures. If invited to a Muslim home for a meal, am I expected to come on time? Or early? Or is it more polite to be late? And how late?
Then there are customs around eating. When Muslims are fasting during the month of Ramadan, can I drink water during a daytime visit? What about serving pork or shellfish to a practicing Jew? I’d better know the taboos beforehand—some research is required.
If living in a society where another religion predominates, living arrangements may be an aid or a barrier to forming friendships across religions. Can a woman live alone in a Muslim neighborhood? What about living with a Muslim family? Should a servant be hired? Is it OK to go out alone after dark? How does one handle pets? Customs may differ widely on such matters.
Ideas form a nexus of societal customs. What worldview predominates in the religious context you are entering? Is life an illusion? Does suffering predominate? Is equality a value? How about hierarchy? Should people seek liberty? Are grown-up children expected to leave home before marriage? Is life after death sought after or avoided? Understanding the ideas that inform life can help tremendously as one attempts to befriend and share with people from another religion.
Moral values and how they are expressed differ considerably across religions and societies. Where does truth-telling fall on the hierarchy of values you come into contact with as you befriend someone from another culture? What about embarrassment or losing face? Is it more important to excuse oneself for a social gaff or let it slide? Should you modulate your moral code when befriending someone from another culture? What are the limits of your own moral compass? When finding oneself in an awkward position around moral norms or failures, how to proceed can be a knotty problem.
Each of the above topics greatly influence our interactions with persons, families, and groups from a different religion. Just learning that those topics are crucial is a big step. Navigating them turns out to be a life long process. Welcome to the world of giftive mission.
To illustrate each of the above problems, let me tell a few stories.
Ideas
Arvind Sharma, a Hindu scholar from McGill University developed with some colleagues a “Universal Declaration of Human Rights for the World’s Religions.” They started with the UN Declaration and added human rights that they believed were crucial to religious people. I was impressed. I asked Prof. Sharma how I could help with that project. He said each religion should write a universal declaration of their own. So I gathered Christian scholars and put together a book on Christian views of human rights. Arvind wrote the introduction and a response to each chapter. By then we were on a first-name basis! A friendship grew up around ideas—very different ideas about religion—fertile ground for a lasting relationship.
In India, I stayed for two weeks at New College north of Deli where I taught some short classes. The Dean gave me a list of courses to teach. One was teaching music to the college students. I didn’t know where to start. The ideas that shape Indian music were so very different. Even the scale was strange to me. I wasn’t sure what kind of music the Dean expected me to teach but I certainly didn’t think I could teach music to those students. To navigate this crisis I used the Socratic method in my classes. I taught with questions: What are your favorite instruments? How would you approach composing a song? What do you sing in church? Would you like to change church music? If so how?
Here the ground felt more solid. I recall one day after church while living in Indonesia I complemented the pastor on the Indonesian hymn we sang. (Most of the hymns sung were western hymns sung in English.) Clearly affronted he replied, “All the hymns we sing are Indonesian.” I had missed the idea that everything appropriated by the Indonesian church became theirs.
Dress
When I visited India, I wore the traditional shawar kamis, a slim top covering wide pants. I had a few from a previous trip and thought they would be appropriate for the classroom. And really, they were. But one day, walking across the quad, a young woman student remarked, “So do you think you can become an Indian in just two weeks?” I hope it wasn’t too offensive to reply as I did, “No of course not!” But the tension was there and there wasn’t much I could do about it. If there had been time to form a friendship with that student, perhaps the tension would have melted away. As it was, I felt misunderstood, as I’m sure she did.
Then there was an occasion during my one year teaching in Jakarta, Indonesia. I lived in a Muslim neighborhood down a small walking lane. One Saturday I had no classes so was wearing blue jeans. As I strolled down the lane, I encountered an elderly woman. “So,” she remarked, “you want to become young again, eh?” In that society, women dressed according to their age—teenagers wore jeans, working women wore dresses, and older women wore long sarongs and traditional lace blouses. Again I was out of step. I probably could have gotten away with wearing a dress. But jeans were just too much for the traditional “Ibu.”
Female–male interactions
Closely related to dress, the way women and men interact can be a minefield in settings where another religion predominates. It surprises me that many Americans think it appropriate to look directly into someone’s eyes to communicate a friendly attitude. In Indonesia that is definitely taboo. I learned from my Dean at Satya Wacana Christian University in Java to look intently at a man’s left shoulder. Now why is that? Because in Javanese society it is a “come on” for a woman to look directly into a man’s eyes. That look sends a very strong sexual message to the man, something my Dean obviously didn’t want me to convey.
When I moved to Jakarta, a staff member of the seminary took me to the apartment they had rented for me. I made the mistake of walking into the bedroom behind him as he was showing me around. He immediately wondered out loud if he might come and “visit” me sometime. Another mistake. That was a big one. My presence with him in the bedroom conveyed a strong message to him—one quite unintended by me. Sometimes we just have to learn from our gaffs. After all, there is no written handbook for such social customs.
The dress code was easier. In the Muslim society of Indonesia I simply covered up in long loose clothing that showed nothing of my body shape. The jeans in Jakarta was an exception because in the big city some of those cultural norms are relaxed. But male–female interactions are sometimes tricky. Movie star images of loose American women predominate and expectations of a Western woman’s behavior may not always match our own values.
Communication
Indirect communication plays a major role in Indonesian society. To directly contradict someone is considered rude and ugly. So indirect forms are used and must be translated by the foreigner. In asking for directions in Java, for instance, a passerby will never say they don’t know where a place is. But they will stare at their feet for a few seconds. Then they will tell you in a soft-spoken way how to get to the place you are looking for. Don’t fall for it! They have already clearly told you that they don’t know. So if you follow their directions you only have yourself to blame. You have to learn to “read the culture.”
Never contradicting you or saying no can lead to relationship problems. An Australian professor I knew felt certain that “You can never know what a Javanese is thinking. They don’t place any value on telling the truth.” He was speaking of other professors at the university. After living in Indonesia for five years, he still didn’t “get it.” A Javanese will definitely tell you what he or she thinks. You just have to learn how to appreciate the way they tell you. Imposing our notion of “truth telling” as frank communication doesn’t help.
Sometimes though, after friendships have formed and trust builds, a direct communication can warm our hearts. When we hiked the Anna Purna trail in Nepal, Rishi our Hindu guide got to know us very well. When we visited Hindu temples he would sometimes ask to stay a little longer and do prayers. We were happy with that. One day, after prayers, he said, “It’s hard for me to understand why you Christians limit yourselves to one god when there are so many that could help you. We have specific gods to help us in each life situation.” Bingo! An open communication—the kind that we Americans prize.
There are other ways to encourage direct communication. A striking interaction occurred during the doctoral examination of one of my students. As the director of his project, it fell to me to instruct him in revising his work. But as the only woman on an all-male faculty it was inappropriate for me to take the lead in the meeting. Knowing the cultural expectations I waited until the meeting was officially closed. But before anyone could get up to leave I said my piece. Everyone was relieved. The other professors wanted me to give the revision requirements. They just didn’t know how to navigate that. I invented a special form of communication after the meeting to get the job done.
In that case, the role expectations of the academic world conflicted with the role expectations of gender relationships. The university participates in both worlds. New ways of interacting need to be invented that both honor traditional mores and fulfill academic expectations. The essence of giftive mission is the giving and receiving of gifts. The “how to’s” of giving and receiving can be quite intricate and demand much sensitivity on the part of both sides. Two religions and two cultures face off. Can they find a middle way? Can they learn to give and receive gifts from one another?
Time
Time provides another example. “Rubber time” operates in most situations in Indonesian culture. Coming on time to a dinner, for instance, is very rude. One should come late—at least fifteen minutes, even better half an hour. That can be learned.
What is more difficult are situations in which the academic standard of time and the traditional Indonesian standard of time conflict. Academic time goes strictly by the clock. Being on time to meetings means just that—being on time. Social time is “rubber time.” That kind of time works for afternoon tea, or dinner, or going shopping. One arrives politely late, just late enough in the ideal world. So now you are invited to a dinner at someone’s home, a social event. But, it is for an academic group, say the faculty. A professor invites the faculty to his home for dinner and a lecture presentation. How to go at the proper time? Do I go late? How late? Should I be on time as I would be for a faculty event on campus? Not so easy.
In such situations, misunderstandings easily arise. The professor presenting a paper may feel slighted if people come late. The host and hostess may feel slighted if guests arrive too early, that is, on time. Trial and error mixed with a good bit of tolerance for difference is the recipe for this situation. Give a little. Be ready to be wrong. Receive advice from others. Let go of your Western idea of being on time. But listen to others. Perhaps the Indonesians are wanting an on-time group to show respect for the academic side of the gathering. Giftive mission.
These and many other challenges face us as we engage in cross-cultural and cross-religious friendships. Don’t be in a hurry. Take time. Put prayer to work. Talk with others inside and outside of the situation. Be ready to give and receive gifts. Be quick to forgive. Be slow to take offense. Give and take. And you will find joy as you build friendships with people of other faiths.
Footnotes
Funding
This research received no specific grant from any funding agency in the public, commercial, or not-for-profit sectors.