Abstract
In Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex Amy T. Schalet examines a fascinating, although anticipated, contrast between American and Dutch parents. She asks white middle-class parents in both countries what their reaction would be if their teenager asked permission for his or her romantic partner to spend the night. In America the parents’ response was “not under my roof.” But, the majority of Dutch parents said that under certain circumstances they would allow their teenager’s boyfriend or girlfriend to spend the night. Indeed, the Dutch parents anticipated that at some point before high school graduation their teenager would ask permission for a sleepover and the parents would oblige knowing that they might have sex.
The book consists of several interviews with Dutch and American parents and their teenage children about how they manage and negotiate the challenges of teenagers becoming sexually active. Some of the trends found in the two different countries are similar. Teenage girls, for example, bear the brunt of responsibility for safe sex, they are more likely than boys to get a bad reputation for seemingly promiscuous attitudes and behaviors, and they are more likely to say that they would rather stay elsewhere with their boyfriends than at home. But, things are definitely worse for girls in the United States where the likelihood of a premarital pregnancy is much higher, in part because American teenagers are less likely to use protection, have less exposure to safe sex messages, and have more limited access to birth control and emergency contraception.
The country-level differences extend to parenting styles and Schalet spends much of the book explaining how they are manifested and the reasons for the differences. The Dutch parents feel that they and their teenage children need to get ready for inevitable sexual relationships. While the teen needs to be physically and emotionally prepared, the parents need to accept the changes that their child is experiencing and help their child navigate romantic feelings and, of course, get birth control. Before the sleepover there is often an adjustment period where the parents get to know their teenager’s romantic partner and everyone acclimatizes to the situation. Schalet explains that Dutch parents think that it is unrealistic for teens to wait for marriage, or even full financial and emotional independence, before they start having sex. Rather, sex and love are normal parts of growing up and parents should be there to help. In contrast, American parents see sex as part of a process of separation that should occur only after children have established autonomy and gained financial self-sufficiency or marriage. From the American perspective teens are seen as having “raging hormones” which are difficult to control. Good parents need to put their foot down and make it clear that until they are fully independent sex is not allowed and certainly not in their house. Of course, most American teens have sex and their parents’ forbidding attitude results in some distancing, which sets the stage for the separation that occurs as American teens move away from home.
Whereas the first part of the book focuses on the many interviews Schalet did in Northern California and the Netherlands, the final two chapters link macro-level cultural and economic differences to micro-level attitudes about teenage sex. In these latter chapters the sociologist in Schalet emerges and she draws sophisticated connections between structure and culture to explain Dutch and American childrearing differences. She explains, for example, that the Dutch welfare state tries to prevent people from sinking into abject poverty, facilitates upward mobility of the working class, and offers many protections for teenagers. Additionally, Dutch society has managed conflicting interests through a process of accommodation and integration, which is consistent with the nation’s legalization and regulation of marijuana and prostitution. Similarly, in the Dutch family parents try to elicit consent from their children and prevent rebellion, which parents hope will facilitate successful integration of their children into adulthood. In contrast, the United States provides less economic security, which encourages self-sufficiency and raises the cost of a teenage pregnancy. Schalet notes that it is economically and psychologically beneficial for American men to separate easily from their parents, as well as romantic partners, so that they are mobile, which college and work often require. At the same time, to succeed in business young men need to respond well to uncompromising rules that are unilaterally imposed. Hence, Americans’ childrearing styles are consistent with the work cultures many teenagers will eventually encounter.
While Not Under My Roof draws some excellent parallels between larger cultural and economic forces and differences in American and Dutch childrearing styles, at times Schalet tries to make connections that her data are unable to support and misses out on at least one key cultural difference. In the United States, Schalet interviewed mostly white, middle-class, two-parent families from Northern California. She limits her sample in this way so that she can make apt comparisons with a similar group of Dutch families. However, the narrow variation in her sample should have done more to limit her comments about America’s high rates of teenage pregnancy and STDs, which are disproportionately concentrated in non-white, single parent, low-income families. Additionally, the United States is one of the most religious industrialized nations in the world and the Netherlands is largely considered a secular country. According to the 2005 World Values Survey, 49 percent of Americans attend religious services at least once a month, but only 19 percent of the Dutch do. Even if the Northern California families Schalet interviewed did not consider themselves religious (she tried to filter out evangelical and fundamentalist Christians), the penetrating influence of America’s religious culture deserves attention, and is likely to shape differences in American and Dutch attitudes about premarital sex.
Not Under My Roof does a great job of bringing into focus the clear contrasts between Dutch and American childrearing styles. This book is not just for sociologists and other academics. The writing is easily accessible and the interviews make it interesting and fun to read. A lot of parents and teens will see themselves described in the pages and will enjoy the journey with Schalet as she tries to make sense of the differences between American and Dutch views on sex during adolescence.