Abstract
Thoughtful. Engaging. Inspiring. These words describe Lady’s Man by Obari Cartman. Lady’s Man is a conversation that Cartman might be having with a younger brother, a nephew, a son, a mentee, or a neighbor about becoming a responsible and excellent man. It is also a conversation that parents, grandparents, teachers, mentors, and others involved in the lives of Black boys can listen in on and benefit from. Lady’s Man is easy to read and relatable. Cartman’s honesty, sincerity, and reference to his own journey toward manhood include his pitfalls along with his successes. Several notable themes are found throughout the book—relationships, resistance, empowerment, and responsibility. The audience for this book is Black adolescent males but can benefit anyone who are a part of their lives. The language, examples, and ease of reading make this an excellent book choice for a rites of passage program or a group discussion on transitioning to manhood.
Lady’s Man is composed of five chapters. Cartman begins chapter 1 by establishing why a conversation about manhood is needed. This chapter sets the context for being a responsible man especially in relationships with women. Cartman writes,
I belong to the women in my life. I am my mother’s son. I am my sister’s brother. I am my niece’s uncle. I am here on this earth to serve them and to protect them and care for them. . . . I am partially responsible for their well-being. (p.27)
In being a responsible man, it is important to take care of yourself to “awaken that excellence resting deep inside of you.” In chapter 1, Cartman challenges Black men not to blame others for what has happened but rather to acknowledge historical injustices while embracing a movement to change the world for the better.
Chapter 2 provides a historical overview of how Blacks got to this country, and historical and contemporary injustices experienced by Blacks are discussed. Cartman points to the richness of Africa and provides several resources for learning more about African civilization. He discusses what responsible manhood looks like in Africa. He also acknowledges the divisions among tribes and ethnic groups, noting that this contributed to Europeans being able to steal Africans. He provides a compelling narrative of what happened during the passage from Africa to America and the resistance of Africans throughout enslavement. One relevant historical point touches on the problem enslaved Africans had with establishing families given that they could be sold at any time for any reason. Chapter 2 also lays the foundation by demystifying “the system.” Examples of institutional racism within economics, health, law, religion, education, and especially the media are provided.
The central point of the book begins in chapter 3, on “How Do We Create Healthy Relationships.” According to Cartman, finding the right and best girl begins with being the best you can be. Cartman uses imagery and symbolism when discussing differences between the shiny (popular) girl and the substance girl. He provides a practical discussion about going on a date informing readers what to do, where to go, and, importantly, what to do when they have no money. Cartman encourages young men to “treat a date like an adventure.” He addresses the problem of partner violence and emphasizes that respect should be given to all girls and women. Cartman also discusses partnerships and the importance of equality in relationships in this chapter.
Chapter 3 also provides strategies for how to make a committed relationship work. He tells young men.
Say out loud you want to date each other exclusively. . . . Claim each other publicly. Change your Facebook status. Tell the other women in your life. . . . Give her the same respect you expect from her. (p.69)
He then provides the ingredients for a successful relationship beginning with love that should be practical (show evidence of) as well as exciting. Other ingredients for a successful relationship are effective communication, mutual benefits, compromise, and intimacy. On physical aggression he writes, “Only weak men try to use their strength to threaten a woman.” Cartman ends the chapter with specific relationship dos (e.g., “Say what you mean. And mean what you say.” “Treat women like you’d want a man to treat your sister/daughter/mother”) and donts (e.g., “Don’t take advantage of, pressure or manipulate women”). Chapter 3 prompts readers toward action.
Chapter 4, “Manhood,” begins with the African proverb, “You can’t teach what you don’t know, and you can’t lead where you won’t go.” True to this proverb, Cartman offers sage advice about becoming a man, discussing 12 standards of manhood. Some standards include define yourself, actively figure out your purpose, learn to use your emotions, take responsibility, don’t pretend to have power. Create and cultivate real power. The discussion on learning to use your emotions is especially relevant. Cartman writes, “Emotions are signals that tell you there’s something important you need to pay attention to” (p.104). Emotions such as sadness, fear, and anger among Black men are discussed. Chapter 4 provides a practical guide to living and should be revisited often.
The last chapter is Cartman’s story on becoming a man. It tells his journey including his relationship with his parents and his parent’s relationship with each other. This chapter was written to acknowledge self-truth and honesty as the first critical step in enacting changes you want to see within yourself.
In summary, Lady’s Man is an honest conversation that Black male adolescents can have with Cartman. It offers an opportunity to engage them where they are and to guide parents and others in important conversations. The book is also inspiring and a reminder for young brothers to continue to dream.