Abstract
We report on a Canadian partnership-based, multiyear, multisite project that examined the diverse experience of father involvement. Based on a sample of 215 fathers, an analysis team identified key themes of father involvement. Qualitative interviews were conducted within seven, geographically dispersed groups that included new fathers, young fathers, immigrant fathers, gay fathers, fathers of children with special needs, indigenous fathers, and separated and divorced fathers. A core track of questioning asked fathers about the way that children had influenced their attitudes and activities. The findings reported here indicate that fathers undergo a reorientation of values and behavior in response to the influence of their children. Specifically, they articulate redefined priorities and an altered sense of purpose, a different awareness of what it means to be a man, changed relationships and a rebalancing of the importance of self and other, and a reorientation toward time and scheduling of their everyday lives.
Fathering has undergone many changes over the past decades. Inevitably, the distant, hard-working disciplinarian father is identified as the reference point for examining the way that fathers have changed their activities to become more involved, nurturant, and engaged with their children. Indeed, there are many studies that outline the way that fathers have increased the amount of time they spend with their children, work out different strategies of care with mothers, and deepen their level of engagement with children (Doucet, 2007). Throughout these studies, attention has focused on the impact of fathers’ involvement on children’s development, the gendered distribution of labor and its implications for fairness and equity, and the way that the father’s role has changed in relation to his increased responsibilities.
Due in part to the changing nature of fathering responsibilities, there has been a cultural fascination with men as fathers that goes well beyond the research literature. Somewhere between the feminist adoption of William Goode’s question “why do men resist?” (Thorne & Yalom, 1992) and the commercial images of the bare-chested, warm and fuzzy dad is a zone of contradictions, tensions, and suspicions about men as parents. These are rooted in questions about men’s capacity for care in relation to women, questions about their real values and priorities, questions about their commitments to work vis-à-vis family, and uncertainty about their ability to sustain their commitment to a deeper level of father involvement. These questions are of course fuelled and reinforced by sitcom characterizations of fathers as deficient and incapable; media focus on the social consequences of absent, deadbeat fathers; and ongoing emphasis within the world of work on the importance of work–family balance for women only. Father involvement continues to be steeped in a set of cultural contradictions that are rooted in the ambiguous nature of expectations for nontraditional gender behaviors (Maurer & Pleck, 2006).
It is against this backdrop that this research sought to examine the way that fathers themselves, living within a variety of parenting circumstances, describe the way that their children have shaped the meaning of their lives. Of course, public perceptions, contradictions, and suspicions are not separate from the way that they experience fatherhood. These images and dialogues are part of what Mead (1934/1962) referred to as the “generalized other” and these certainly influence men in their private identity struggles about what it means to be a father. Nevertheless, we were interested in exploring how this diverse sample of fathers talked about their perceptions of themselves as fathers and how these perceptions had been shaped by particular significant others—namely, their own children.
The primary focus of this analysis is on the way that men reoriented their worldview as a result of becoming fathers. Accordingly, the theoretical lenses for this analysis were very broad. Specifically, our analysis was shaped by a number of key perspectives including the importance of children for men’s adult development (Palkovitz, 1996, 2002), an increasing emphasis on children as active agents in family life (Kuczynski, 2003; Shehan, 1999), and symbolic interactionist perspectives on identity, which place an emphasis on the importance of reflected appraisals among significant others (Daly, 1993, 1996; Fox & Bruce 2001; Maurer, Pleck, & Rane, 2001).
Literature Review
The primary focus of this research has been on the effects of father involvement on the social, cognitive, and emotional development of the child (see Allen & Daly, 2007; Tamis-LeMonda & Cabrera, 2002). There is considerably less research on the relationship between father involvement and men’s adult development. Palkovitz (1996, 2002) has played a leading role in looking at the effects of father involvement on men’s perceptions of their own social, emotional, and psychological development. He argues that parenting is a “generator” of adult development that must be considered alongside other influences such as work, other relationships, and a range of other responsibilities both related and unrelated to parenting. In a summary of the research on the effect of involved fathering on men’s adult development, he identifies evidence that points to increases in problem-solving abilities and feelings of competence, greater self-awareness, improved perspective taking ability, emotional regulation, more responsibility, and changes in values and priorities.
Research that has examined generativity among fathers has also demonstrated the ways that fathers adopt a stronger orientation toward the “other” (Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997; Snarey, 1993). Specifically, men who are engaged as fathers are more likely to demonstrate generative behaviors outside of the family including showing greater care for others and being active members of their communities (Snarey, 1993). Similarly, Marsiglio (2008) has examined the ways that men, through their community involvement efforts as such coaches, mentors, and volunteers, are positively influenced by their fathering experience. Consistent with these results, Townsend (2002) reports that greater father involvement is often “packaged” with greater investment in marriage and involvement with community. Similarly, an analysis of men who lived with their biological or adopted children found that the more men engaged with their children, the more satisfied they were with their lives, the more socializing they did, the more involved they were in their communities, the more connected they were with their families, and the less involved they were with their work (Eggebeen & Knoester, 2001).
Other literature that has examined the implications of fathering for fathers themselves has shown mixed results. Pruett (1997) reported both positive and negative impacts that fathering had on their own sense of development. On the one hand, fathers reported concerns about the loss of their “productive” contributions to society and their perceptions of becoming dull, overweight, and lonely. On the other hand, fathers felt more attuned to the emotive world, more attentive to everyday occurrences, and more aware of what is important or a priority in life. Drawing on clinical experiences and psychoanalytic concepts, Diamond (2007) provides insight into the ways that sons are active agents in shaping fathers’ perceptions of adequacy, emotional well-being, and identity itself. Although focusing on conventional portrayals of men as fathers, there are many illustrations of the reciprocal influences that sons and fathers have on each other throughout the course of the lifespan.
A comprehensive review of the impact of fathering for men’s health in Europe indicates that there are many positive effects associated with fathering (World Health Organization, 2007). For example, fathers indicated increased satisfaction with their relationship with their child when on parental leave. The review of Plantin’s research (2001) indicates that fathers generally report a heightened sense of maturity, new empathic abilities, and greater self-confidence. In addition, they reported a sense of becoming a more complete and secure person. Although the overall conclusion of this review reported that father involvement had a positive effect on men’s health, it also came with some negative consequences. For example, they report that fathering can be accompanied by increased work-related stress, worsening finances, greater pressures on the relationship between parents, and restrictions in the social network, mostly for men (Gähler & Rudolphi, 2004).
In addition to research that looks at the effects of father involvement on men’s development, there is also a small body of research that has examined the reciprocal influences between fathers and their children. For example, recent work in the United Kingdom by Williams (2008) indicates that emotional reciprocity and shared play in the context of a loving relationship with a child plays a key role in men’s own development and the child’s informal learning and social development.
The research reported here provides evidence on the relationship between fathering and men’s development. Although there is a growing body of research that has illustrated the ways that parenting activities influence fathers’ roles, values, and activities, this diverse sample of fathers provides an opportunity to examine these influences as they are shaped by many types of fathers parenting under a variety of circumstances.
Methodology
The research presented in this article arose out of large community–university collaborative project in Canada. The Father Involvement Research Alliance (FIRA) was formed in 2004 and was developed and funded in keeping with the Canadian federal government’s Community–University Research Alliances program. Accordingly, FIRA’s goal was to collaboratively develop a research design that would provide a basis for collecting data on the benefits of father involvement and barriers to it under a variety of family conditions and to engage fathers and those who work with fathers in a process of developing community-based strategies for change. In keeping with the principles of participatory action research, FIRA was deliberate about forming the research questions for the project on the basis of practical concerns. One of the first steps was to bring together 90 stakeholders to participate in a facilitated roundtable session that included fathers, researchers, community practitioners (health, social work, parenting), and policy makers. Through the roundtable discussion, 10 primary themes were identified. These included fathers in the workplace, support services for fathers, problems associated with absent or poorly articulated policies for fathers, problems with custody arrangements, parenting transitions associated with immigration, the relationship between fathering and mothering, cultural undervaluing of fathering, learning to be a father, the diversity of fathering roles, and the impact of father involvement for healthy child development and for fathers themselves.
These inductively derived themes served as the basis for the broad study design. In early consultations with fathers and community partners, it was quickly apparent that most work with fathers occurs within specific socially and culturally defined subpopulations of fathers. Using diversity as one of the primary starting points, FIRA organized seven fathering clusters. Cluster groups are composed of fathers, organizations that serve fathers, and academics. They reflect socially defined subpopulations of fathers who face unique challenges: new fathers, young fathers, immigrant fathers, gay fathers, indigenous fathers, fathers of children with special needs, and separated and divorced fathers.
Each of these clusters was located in a community, involved its own partnership, and worked to collaboratively develop an action-based research strategy (Wadsworth, 1998). Specifically, the activity was participatory insofar as the research agenda was shaped by fathers, community service providers, and university researchers; it was research oriented and involved a collaborative definition of concerns, questions, collection, and analysis strategies; and it was geared toward social action that builds on the findings of the research to create sustainable tools and bring about tangible changes in the organization of community services. Each group collected data using a variety of tools including interviews, focus groups, surveys, and online questionnaires.
In addition to their own agenda of research, each of the clusters was asked to collect data from their participants on several key themes that emerged in the preliminary roundtable session. FIRA researchers saw these as central thematic questions that cut across the diverse cluster groups and would provide important perspectives on key fathering issues. A group of five researchers (the “Central Thematic group”) was formed to design this aspect of the research. These researchers worked in collaboration with the cluster leaders to arrive at a set of common thematic questions that included the dynamics of coparenting from a family systems perspective, intergenerational issues that reflect a changing experience of fatherhood, the challenges of managing work and family, learning to be a father, and cultural representations of father involvement. Although there were follow-up and probing questions about how becoming a father had changed various aspects of their lives, the results for this analysis emerged from their responses to a broad range of questions.
Given that each cluster group was organized somewhat differently and designed their own questions in the interviews, they ended up including the thematic questions in different ways. Some asked these questions separately, others integrated them into their own interview protocols, some used individual interviews, whereas others interviewed fathers with their current partners or in focus groups. This resulted in some unevenness in how the questions were asked and the context of the discussion within which they occurred. For the purposes of this analysis, we are treating all types of interviews as providing contextualized data and have consequently coded individual, couple, and focus group interview transcripts in a similar manner. The variability in context contributes to the variability in the data, with fathers describing their own experiences and sharing their reflections in response to various interviewers and, in some cases, to what their partners or other fathers have stated. Although context and the presence of others may serve to validate a claim or encourage consensus, these may also serve to challenge or provide alternative voices in response. We suggest that this variability and the presence of multiple voices strengthen the data analyzed for this study and that the data provided to the central thematic group provided a rich and diverse set of perspectives on these core themes.
The central thematic analysis is based on a collective sample of 215 fathers who participated in individual or couple interviews or focus groups. The distribution across the clusters was as follows: immigrant fathers (n = 29), fathers of children with special needs (n = 20), separated and divorced fathers (n = 31), new fathers (n = 22), young fathers (n = 43), indigenous fathers (n = 40), and gay fathers (n = 30). Although the primary identification of participants was based on the recruitment within the clusters, the categories themselves are overlapping, reflecting the intersectionality of fathers’ identities and social locations. A new father may also be young and indigenous; a separated father may also have a child with special needs. Fathers also reflected on their experience from different points in the family life cycle and their own lives. Rather than seeing this variability in the sample as problematic, we suggest that the diversity of fathers’ perspectives is more adequately represented by such a range of identifications. Fathers’ responses to the thematic questions identified by the central thematic group were influenced by their experience of fathering within the intersections of their multiple identities. For the purpose of clarity in our presentation of analytic results, we have identified participants by these cluster group identities; however, we recognize that this is a limited description of their identity and experience as fathers. For the overall sample, 75% of the fathers were employed outside of the home. More than half the sample (59%) reported personal income less than $40,000 per year. Only 10% reported income of more than $80,000 per year. They had an average of two children, with the mean age of all children being 8 years. Fifty-two percent of the children lived with their father full-time, 21% part-time, and 22% did not live with their father at all. One quarter of the fathers were born outside of Canada and 51% identified with a particular ethnocultural or ethnoracial community. Forty-seven percent of the fathers were married, 16% were living together or common law, and 23% were separated or divorced.
Following a broad inductive exploration of the transcribed interview (individual and focus group) data from all participants by 10 research analysts that articulated some of the key themes emerging from the data, a smaller working group of the three authors of this article engaged in further analysis of the broad theme of “children’s influence on fathers.” This article focuses on a core category related to fathers’ reorienting of their lives in response to their children that emerged in the context of line-by-line coding and team discussions of these data using analytic principles (e.g., emphasis on constant comparative analysis, emergence of categories, development of substantive theory) associated with grounded theory (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). “Reorientation” emerged as a core category of this analysis reflecting participant fathers’ understanding of their own experience in relation to their children. Since this was not technically a grounded theory study design due to the broad and multisite nature of data collection and the complexity of the cluster group structure (geographically dispersed with different interviewers), we were not in a position to employ the principles of emergent design (e.g., theoretical sampling or theoretical saturation) during data collection.
Results
In this analysis, we were struck by the way that fathers talked about reorienting their lives as a result of becoming fathers. Specifically, what caught our attention was the way that these fathers talked about changes to the “big picture” in reference to the way fathering altered multiple aspects of their personal lives. Several fathers used this language and it became an important lens for understanding changes in their worldview, values, relationships, and perceptions of work.
In our analysis of how the “big picture” changes for fathers on the basis of their children’s influence, there were several key themes that emerged. The first was a general reorientation of how these men lived their lives that included changed values, habits, practices, and consciousness. Second, it was apparent that children have a critical influence on men’s perception of their own masculinity. Third, men talked about the ways that children precipitate a change in relationships that involves a rebalancing of self and other. Finally, there was a lot of emphasis on the way that fathers redefine time and reorient the scheduling of their everyday lives. Note that for the purpose of clarity regarding the context in which interview data were obtained, participants are identified by cluster group (Indigenous Fathers, Young Fathers, etc.). As stated earlier, this label reflects only one aspect of the complex and intersectional nature of individual fathers’ lives.
General Reorientation: Values, Priorities, and Activities
Not surprisingly, some of the most vivid descriptions of how life had changed came from fathers who were still adjusting to their new parenting role. Specifically, fathers who were interviewed as part of the “Young Fathers” cluster, due in part to the suddenness of their transition, were particularly articulate about the nature of the change. Fathers were defined as “Young Fathers” if they were between 15 and 25 years of age when their first child was born. Many of these fathers talked about “big picture” change that seemed to be a function of being catapulted into a new level of responsibility. Mark talks about how his child resulted in an improvement that stemmed from having to take charge of his own life:
Every time I took on a new responsibility, I noticed an improvement in my life, because it helped me see the bigger picture. See the bigger picture, look ahead into the future, and visualize what a child could become with us. At first, it’s tough, you don’t see. You live in the moment and you appreciate it, but then later you want to plan for the future, like how he’ll manage to pay for his studies or if that’s what he’s going to want to do. Or how you’re going to encourage him. . . . Today, we’ve got someone in our arms who counts on us day in day out. And so we’ve taken charge of our lives and we’re working. We don’t have a choice, because if we don’t take charge of our lives, he’s the one who’ll pay for it in the long run. (Young Fathers #1)
Other fathers interviewed as part of the “Young Fathers” cluster talked in similar ways about how the heightened responsibility changed their “big picture” view of life. Of particular importance in the big picture were concerns about providing for the family, proper housing, saving for the future, and type of employment. For example, Kevin talked about how the awareness that “the child is the centre of our lives” resulted in a new sense of “being responsible for your family, bringing in the money and not spending it, budgeting . . . and putting money aside so you can afford things later.” In addition, he emphasized how provision for the family superseded his personal preferences when it came to jobs:
I kept having to change jobs, because there is always something better (salary) and I couldn’t afford to say no. I don’t choose my jobs because I like them, but because they can help my child grow up and do better. (Young Fathers #3)
Steven talked about how “everything” changed when he became a father. This included changes in his habits, sleep routines, and friendships in order to “live your life pretty much according to the baby’s needs” (Young Fathers #5).
Of course it was not just young fathers who talked about big picture change. Allan indicated that it has been “a whole lifestyle paradigm change” that involved changing when and how he worked, sleep habits, and monitoring his energy so that he “can wake up fresh, and deal with the kids.” For Allan, seeing the big picture was about realigning priorities:
The big picture of things has helped me realize not to get so close to say, a work project, or small, things that are small to my kids, somehow, or small to me. Depends on the context, but a lot of times, things I would have obsessed over before, in the grand picture, it doesn’t, in the big picture, if it’s not something that’s going to help me nurture my kids or help me set a good example for my kids, I don’t worry about it as much. (New Fathers #17)
Michal (Immigrant Fathers—Russian #13) talked about his awareness that he now has “duties to the child” that fundamentally changed the structure and organization of his day. In his own words, Michal said, “So, for her first consider,” which he went on to describe in terms of changing his own leisure interests and work schedule so that the child came first. When asked about “the positive things that you get from being a father to your children,” Roy reflected on how his daughter changed his sense of importance, responsibility, and decisions about his own behavior:
It makes me feel important. It makes me feel more responsible. As you know, I am still young and when we had her, I was still into the party scene, doing my own thing. Now, if I try to go out and party, I get a guilty conscience. . . . I think, “Am I having too much fun?” and then I just need to get home. And it gives me self-esteem; I know that someone needs me, she needs me to protect her and she needs me in her life, to help and grow. (Indigenous Fathers #2020)
Although for many of these fathers there was an awareness of the immediate and profound ways that the child had influenced their lives, for most this was an ongoing project of questioning and reorienting. In other words, the changes that they talked about were both readily apparent in terms of immediate implications but also shrouded in uncertainty, lack of control, and the evaluation of expectations that are initiated by the presence of the child in their life. David talks about this in terms of plans for the future:
For me, you know, for my part, I had certain plans in place and all that type of stuff that, you know, these are things that will happen, or we would like to happen, I would like to happen, over the next 5 to 10 years, and, you want the child, obviously, but now managing those expectations, or those plans, balancing that, and work, and the needs of the child and the financial requirements, as well, that is going to change those plans significantly, and, you know, that for me is a bit of a challenge. We’re still working through that, because then, you know, what your plans were, you would not be able to achieve that in the time frame that you probably wanted to, if at all. (New Fathers #12)
This reorientation as an ongoing process also occurred at an emotional level. Zev talked about the hardest part of this ongoing reorientation as “trying to be steady, emotionally. Like, things will go up and down, and just trying to not go up and down with those things” (New Fathers #21). For Ahmad, the reorientation was on the level of motivation and purpose which changed his everyday outlook:
You’re always excited, you go to work and you are concerned about something and you have a motivation to do a lot of things carefully knowing that somebody is waiting for you and you’re always excited, so being a father is something wonderful. (Immigrant Fathers—Sudanese #00S7)
The fathers were not only aware that they had reorganized their priorities, activities, and emotions around their children’s lives, they also expressed an awareness that they were more conspicuous and observable in what they did. Peter talked about the “greater awareness of consequences and choices that we make in life” (New Fathers #8). Eric was very aware of the potential influence of his actions on his children:
I think you want to lead by example. You want to be a good role model for your kids, right? They will, they are like sponges, right? They see what you do. I mean they copy your language. They copy, you know, how you treat you partner. They, you know, how you eat, right? . . . So I mean if you eat healthy, chances are better that they’re going to eat healthy. If you do sports, chances are they’re going to stay active. If they, you know, if you watch a lot of TV, chances are they’re going to watch a lot of TV, right? So I mean you want to be a good role model. You lead by example. (New Fathers #20)
The Effect of Children on Masculinity
There were a number of ways that men talked about the influence of their children on their own masculinity. What became apparent in our analysis was the degree to which these fathers talked in various ways about a kind of discovery of themselves as men.
Don was very clear in his assertion that it was not until he became a father that he truly became a man. He said, “I told my daughter recently that I didn’t become a man until I had her. I was learning how to be a man, thinking I was a man, until I saw you” (Indigenous Fathers #4007). In addition to this kind of awakening as a man, fatherhood seemed to provide an opportunity for a greater range of expression as a man. When Kevin was asked to describe himself as a father, he talked about the changes he experienced as a man:
I think I’m more insightful than most men. In my role I think I’ve become a little more sensitive than most men. So, it’s allowed me to be, close with my daughter. I don’t have any barriers, like I don’t worry like, I don’t have the macho thing. . . . I am not to go out with guys and do guy things . . . you know. I could care less about that macho façade—it’s stupid. It’s a waste of time. So if I am goofy with my daughter, I don’t care [laughs]. (New Fathers #3)
As this would suggest, children may introduce a different level of authenticity into their actions as a father that is not so restricted by dominant norms of masculinity.
Accompanying this new found authenticity in masculine behavior was a different level of confidence and maturity in how they conducted themselves as men. This was rooted in a perception of greater responsibility. In the words of one young father, “It’s those responsibilities [i.e., of parenting] that really make a man or a woman out of you when you face up to them” (Young Fathers #1). Ken talked about how the responsibility associated with taking care of someone who was dependent on him which contributed to an increased sense of his confidence as a man. When asked about his most positive experience after the birth of his child, Ken said this:
I feel more responsible, and at the same time, I feel that somebody depends on you, at the beginning at least, so that’s something that is good, too. [laughs] And then I think it gives me confidence as well. Right now, it’s like I felt that—it’s like something before in life, there’s something that’s not there, not always there, and that gives me extra confidence, I don’t know why, but when I talk to my colleagues or when I talk to my manager or whatever, it doesn’t matter—it’s just joking about other things, or just things to do with work—yeah, I just feel more confidence. (New Fathers #9)
Discussions about how children influenced their masculinity were often rooted in stories or references that were made to the experience of their own fathers. In this regard, their reorientation as a man as a result of having a child had an intergenerational reverberation that involved sorting out their own fathering activity from their experience of having been fathered. For some fathers, like Doug, the two are closely linked together: “And for me, being a new dad is incorporating the two . . . being a father and having a father, in a sense. And developing my own way of fathering for my kid, which way I think is best” (Indigenous Fathers #2001).
For some fathers, there was a very deliberate attempt to be a man quite different from the men of previous generations. These fathers were aware of their own need to be more involved with their children and to organize their own lives in a way that would allow them quite simply to “be there for them—I am their dad” (Indigenous Fathers #4003). Glen observed that fathering activity has changed since the previous generation:
In our area, where we live, there are a lot of fathers that are about my age and I notice that they are all actively involved with their children. It looks to me that they balance their work and their family life. They may work 10 days on then 4 days off, but they are doing as much with those kids as they can in that 4 days. They are trying to spend time with their wife and their children. I think my generation is trying to squeeze in as much time with their children as possible, instead of fixing the yard or fixing the fence. I mean they still have to do those chores. . . . It is just that in the past, my father barely spent time with us because he was always working, but all the fathers in my neighborhood are really trying to make that time for their kids. (Indigenous Fathers #2025)
While many fathers in this research told stories about how their own life as a man had changed since their father’s generation, there were others who struggled with what they perceived to be the same challenges as their own fathers. When Jessie was asked whether he is involved as he would like with his children, he answered in a way that reflected his struggles to live up to his own expectation that he be different from his father:
Um . . . no. No. I don’t know if it’s an energy thing or what, but before I had kids, . . . I thought I would be the kind of father that I would be out with them all the time and teaching them things and being very nurturing, and being a real teacher, with athletics and academics, and everything. As it turns out, we’re all just getting through the day. And it’s really disappointing, you know, I really wish I could do that, because it’s what I always envisioned parenting, to father, as being someone who—not that my father did that—but that’s what I thought that I would be doing. My dad didn’t play catch with me, you know, so I thought that I would be the father who would be out there playing catch. But now I find, you know, it’s a real challenge to get out there, and, you know, get on the bike with them, to do that stuff. As I said, I really want to do that, but it’s still something I feel strongly about. You try to map out your day and you try to get time for that stuff, but it’s hard. (New Fathers #4)
As Jessie’s account would indicate, the discovery of masculinity was not always in the form of something new or different but rather a discovery that some of the challenges and constraints of fatherhood were ones that persist throughout the generations—in spite of expectations to the contrary.
Rebalancing of Self and Other: From Me to We
One of the ways that children influence men is through a simple but profound shift from “me” to “we.” Becoming a father precipitated an awareness that “self” takes on a very different meaning in the context of a newly formed family. As Paul expressed it simply, “It’s more them first than me first” (New Fathers #16). Steven described this change in the following way:
And even sometimes, that whole, what do they call it—that sense of self, you know, it’s like, there was me, and then there’s us, right? See, you lose that individuality in some respect. Because now are we leaving now, I’m not Steven, I’m Samantha’s dad, or Dylan’s dad, or Natalie’s husband, and you know what? Beautiful. They are so good [laughs]. (New Fathers #5)
As Steven’s comment indicates, his own identity is now embedded in a set of critical relationships that shift his attention away from who he is as “Steven” to a set of roles as father and husband. These shifts away from self (“me”) toward a social self (“we”) were described by one father as involving a completion of self. When asked to respond to what he gets out of his relationship with his son, Peter answered this way:
It sort of completes—I was talking to a friend of mine who doesn’t have kids yet. He asked me, what is it like? You know, it just feels very natural, it just sort of completes you as a family unit, and it just feels good. (New Fathers #8)
Other men described how the shift from me to we involved a set of developmental stages. Specifically, there was a slow developmental impact that started when they became a couple and shifted again when they became a couple with a baby. As Zev described it, this is a “gradual thing” and when they did become “a couple with a baby” the “need to go out and have fun and do all kinds of things kind of dissipated” (New Fathers #21).
As part of giving priority to the family “we,” there were a number of examples that highlighted some of the challenges these fathers faced in keeping the focus and priority on the well being of “us” rather than “me.” For example, two gay fathers discuss a concern with wanting to create an environment that normalizes the unique characteristics of their own family and talk about wanting to socialize with other gay fathers so that their son does not see their family as different:
We do have some gay friends we’ve met, but it’s been very difficult here. So most of our friends, in fact, here, are heterosexual couples with kids. Which has been great also, I mean I’m, you know, not negative at all. But it’d be nice to have gay friends, there are certain things it would be nice to talk about. That I wouldn’t talk about with our straight friends. . . . It’d be nice to connect with some other families. At first I thought it would be nice in case there are problems. But we haven’t had any of those, it might just be fun so Noah sees that there are other families with two dads, or two moms, so it’s not so “no one has two dads, that’s not possible.” So, in that way it would be nice. (Gay Fathers #8)
When asked about what his children get out of their relationship with him, one father interviewed by the separated and divorced fathers cluster talks about how managing the dynamics of “we” can be much more challenging when there is conflict in the couple relationship:
I couldn’t tell you what they get out of it with me. I hope they get some understanding that I am not who their mother claims I am. What I get out of it with them, I guess is that they were everything, my whole life, I was involved with my children and I guess I get some of that feeling back but I miss them and I don’t get it from anybody else and I feel right when I am with them and I don’t feel right when I am not. (Separated and Divorced Fathers #9)
As this passage would suggest, even when there is physical separation, there is no turning back from the “me” to “we” orientation. The importance of this “we” orientation is highlighted in Jacob’s description: “the hardest part, especially to being a divorced dad is giving up time with my kids, it’s been absolutely the most brutal and barbaric form of inhumane punishment I could have ever had imagined” (Separated and Divorced Fathers #5).
A significant part of the rebalancing from self to other involved some level of sacrifice. Ken described what he sees his daughter getting from the relationship as she knows that there is a dad who is there to love her and care about her, and wishes to sacrifice something for her (New Fathers #9). For Jessie, one of the hardest parts of being a father is coming to terms with the fact that “being a parent by nature is a selfless—it’s gotta be—a selfless thing. You’re giving up yourself for your kids” (New Fathers #4).
Whereas most fathers talked about the importance of sacrifice and being selfless, some described how difficult it was to carry this off.
It’s all about the child, and putting him first, but to be honest, I didn’t actually do that at the beginning. In the small ways, you know, I would have those lunches and have those lattes, and think about myself first if I had to go Toronto for a couple of weeks I would be gone, you know. This isn’t right, he should always be with me, you know. . . . So, it’s not just about the physical things, it’s about the small sacrifices, the decisions you make in your brain—that’s been the hardest thing. (New Fathers #21)
Another father admitted that it was very difficult for him to give the kind of sacrifice that seemed to be required as part of the job. In this regard, Justin stood out as a “negative case” in so far as he described with absolute honesty his challenge in putting his children first:
I’d never been in a situation where I’ve had a young baby around to look after. Other than myself, you see—I’ve always been looked after . . . I mean, I have suggested a few things, like to do for the kids, but I always seem to—they’ve always seemed to be secondary to what I want to do, that’s the whole—like I’m not really putting them first, which is another thing of having other people to look after that I’m not used to. It’s sort of hard for me to take that into account, like it’s always what I want to do first, you know. And I know it should be the other way around. (New Fathers #14)
Redefining Time
One of the main ways that the “big picture” changed for these fathers had to do with the different meanings and value that they attached to time. This took many forms that included a different appreciation of the time they were present with their children, the restructuring of daily schedules in relation to work/family balance, loss of control and spontaneity, and an increased emphasis on the future.
All types of fathers emphasized the importance of spending time with their children, and it was readily apparent from their descriptions that they assign high value to the time they do spend with their children. As Mark indicated, “The time I do spend with my children is truly valuable time,” which he is deliberate about not taking for granted “because it’s a short period of time, and I gotta maximize it, make use of it” (New Fathers #1). Part of this renewed sense of value to time was waking up to the fresh viewpoint that children can bring to the eyes of the parent. So when Bill was asked what he gained the most from being a father to a daughter, he emphasized how he became more aware of the present moment. With a sense of wonder that came from seeing the world through his child’s eyes, he described it this way:
Like oh my god that’s a train—yeah, it’s a train—and looking at how much she’s absorbing every single day, definitely just opens your eyes that as an adult, we miss so much, so it’s great that the kids help the parents as well as the parents helping the kids. (New Fathers #7)
At the same time that the “wonderment” of the moment can be enriching for fathers, they were also aware that children can also influence their experience of time by taking away control and spontaneity. This was particularly the case for fathers of special needs children whose family and work schedules were often bound by additional appointments and responsibilities for care. As Derek described his experience of time related to his daughter’s unpredictable seizures, it was hard to make plans for going out to dinner or even going to the park “because you didn’t know from one moment to the next what was going to happen” (Fathers of Children with Special Needs #3). The loss of spontaneity was experienced by other fathers too.
There’s a lot more thought into having an outing, there’s a lot more thought into just planning, you cannot, with children, you cannot just be spontaneous. I found that out with my kids. On certain occasions, sure you can, but in a lot of ways you can’t because of the fact because there’s just so much preparing to do when it comes to raising children and stuff like that. That’s pretty much about it. (Young Fathers #19)
One of the ways that fathers talked about the loss of control over time was the realization that providing care for young children was unrelenting. One father described how his “whole goal system” had changed when he realized how invested he was in hoping that his child would have a “good nap,” which he defined as “sleeping over half an hour.” His control over time rested in this small temporal oasis that would provide “just peace, a little bit of peace” (New Fathers #3).
Although fathers talked about the ways that children helped them to be in the present moment, they also talked about how children made them look more closely to the future. Gordon talked about how he used to be able to make decisions day by day before he had his daughter, now “I have to think about the future, I have to think about, am I going to be able to support her, as I do plan on being there, have to support her when she gets into college” (New Fathers #13). For some fathers this orientation to the future was also about preparing their children for a difficult world and ensuring that they were ready for that world through good parenting. The future also provided a sense of hope that helped sustain fathers through the difficult and uncertain times. Robert talked about his hope in the future:
It’s very satisfying to see them grow, it gives me hope. It’s a challenge, it’s kind of a puzzle, it’s loving, gratifying. It’s sometimes physically exerting, stressful but you know I believe it’s necessary for me for whatever I am and who I am it is just something that is important to me and necessary for whatever God has put me here for. (Separated and Divorced Fathers #7)
One of the greatest challenges that these fathers faced with respect to time was the deepening of their responsibilities once the baby came. As Zev described it, multitasking in the limited time available was extremely challenging:
Just trying to balance everything after the baby, you know, you’ve got work, which is quite demanding, you’ve got home life. During that first year, you know, it’s great that she’s home, but you’ve got to take care of so many things. It’s like there are ten different things going around in your brain at one time. It’s hard to keep a handle on all of them. (New Fathers #21)
One of the ways of trying to ensure the manageability of their time in relation to home and work was to be more choosey about their jobs and more careful about when they worked. For example, one father talked about the importance of finding a “steady” job rather than contract work he had been doing (Indigenous Fathers #4008). Another father focused on selecting jobs that had reasonable salary and reasonable work time and flexibility, and benefits and all that kind of stuff (New Fathers #10).
One father talked about a new kind of vigilance with respect to the hours that he worked in order to protect time for family.
Seriously, I don’t work more than 40 hours. Before I was hardly ever here, because I worked long hours. I can’t wait to see the baby and come home to hold him in my arms. It’s really fun. Before, when I’d start a job, I wouldn’t stop till it was done, even if it took an extra 2 hours. I think my boss has noticed, because as soon as it’s 4 o’clock I leave. Now I do my 8 hours and I come home. I come see my little family, my girlfriend and my little kid. (Young Fathers #4)
Another father who worked out of his home talked about the importance of having control over his schedule so that he could be there for his son when needed—even when this involved loss of contracts and income:
Well I have made a commitment that I would be able to be free to pick up after school on most occasions so I have possibly not taken on some consulting contracts that would impact on the time that I could spend with him, so I may have diminished some financial but it hasn’t been a big issue. (Separated and Divorced Fathers #17)
Discussion
The results of this analysis draw attention to the ways that children influence fathers with respect to their values and priorities, how they think about themselves as men, their relationships with others, and their experience of time. In keeping with the research literature that has explored these influences, it is apparent that men in this research experienced a number of fundamental reorientations that had implications for their sense of identity, their adult development, and their relationships with others.
Although there were variations among individual men, overall children heightened men’s awareness of parental responsibility, which resulted in changes in their perceptions of the future, their priorities for activities associated with work and leisure, and their role as a model to their child. Many of these men linked becoming a father with a renewed understanding of who they were as a man, which involved a lessened concern with having to prove themselves to others, a deeper level of confidence, heightened emotional depth and understanding as a man, and a deepened awareness of how their own fathering behavior was different from that of their fathers. One of the important influences that these fathers expressed was how they shifted from a preoccupation with their own needs and interests to the concerns and needs of their children. Specifically, many men talked about being more aware of the importance of “giving over” to children’s activities and sacrificing some of their own priorities.
Children influenced the experience of time in a number of ways by making it feel more precious, more complicated by virtue of more negotiations about it, and more sensitive about finding the balance between work and home. Although it was evident in these data that fathers had undergone dramatic reorientations in their everyday lives as a result of children’s influence, it was equally apparent that these reorientations were ongoing and the source of significant struggle for these men. In addition to a number of positive influences, there were also concerns about the loss of spontaneity and control with respect to time, uncertainty about whether they were “doing it right,” and an awareness at times that they were falling into traditional patterns in spite of their efforts to the contrary.
These results lend support to the growing research literature that outlines the influence of children on fathers. It is apparent that children are active agents (Shehan, 1999) in the way that they influence fathers’ beliefs and actions. Consistent with work on generativity (Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997; Snarey, 1993) and the impact of engaged fathering on other nonfamily activities (Eggebeen & Knoester, 2001), these data strongly support the idea that family identity becomes paramount with priority given to children and their activities. Although there is evidence in the literature that the experience of family “we-ness” is often diminished among separated and divorced fathers (Furstenberg & Cherlin, 1991), it was apparent in this research that children precipitate a strong shift in focus from self to other with an accompanying reorientation in values and priorities. For separated and divorced fathers, the shift to “we-ness” was part of their reorientation but was increasingly associated with management challenges. There was also an effect on their work insofar as they were more likely to organize their work activities in a way that gave priority to their children and family-related activities. The results are consistent with other studies that have looked at the relationship between father involvement and men’s development (Palkovitz, 2002) insofar as they indicate increased confidence and feelings of competency, greater self-awareness and regard for the “other,” emotional understanding and regulation, more responsibility, and changes in values and priorities. These results are also consistent with Plantin’s work in Sweden, which reports on the way that children contribute to fathers’ growing sense of maturity, which includes increased consciousness of relationships, new emotional and empathetic abilities, and a growing sense of being a more complete person (World Health Organization, 2007).
Limitations and Implications
Even though development theorists have emphasized the reciprocal developmental implications of parent–child interactions, there is comparatively little research on the side of looking at the implications of these interactions for men’s development (Eggebeen & Knoester, 2001). It was apparent in this analysis that the unique challenges associated with being either a separated or divorced father or a father of a special needs child often dominated the focus of the interview. For example, among separated and divorced fathers, custody and access issues frequently prevailed, resulting in less attention to the broader reorientations of their worldview. Similarly, for fathers of special needs children, the practical strains of managing complex work and medical schedules tended to supersede their attention in the interviews to the ways in which children affected their identity and broader perspectives. As a result, they are not as fully represented in this analysis as some of the other participant groups.
One of the strengths of this study is that it is a large qualitative data set that brings together a diverse sample of fathers operating under different parenting conditions. Nevertheless, one of the challenges of this particular data set is that because the interviews were designed and developed within the clusters, there was little control that the central thematic group had over the way that data were collected or the kinds of follow-up questions that were asked. The result was that the analysis felt like a kind of secondary analysis since we were not able to ask for clarification or probe for additional depth on some of the questions. The trade-off, of course, was that we were able to generate a large data set by qualitative standards. It should be noted that further investigation is warranted with respect to the ways in which unique and intersecting identities may influence both how fathers see themselves and how children see them, as well as the potential influence of how fathers imagine that they are reflected in their children’s eyes.
In light of ongoing cultural stereotypes about fathers and continued concerns about either men’s willingness or capacity to change as fathers, these data direct attention to the very important role that children have in enhancing men’s development. Underneath the changes in behavior precipitated by their involvement with children are a set of changed values that bode well for men’s health and overall well-being. Specifically, children are seen to have a positive influence on men in a number of ways: they become more other oriented, emotionally aware and attentive, more careful about time choices related to work and family, and overall more confident and self-assured. These positive benefits in turn have implications for more healthy relationships with children and parenting partners. These results reinforce the importance of developing strategies that encourage more father engagement with children and supporting fathers in taking advantage of a full range of work–life opportunities.
Footnotes
Acknowledgements
Data were collected for this project at a number of sites across Canada. Appreciation to the efforts of the following research cluster leaders: Immigrant fathers—David Este, University of Calgary; Gay fathers—Rachel Epstein, LGBT Parenting Network, Toronto; New fathers—Ed Bader (Focus on Fathers, Catholic Community Services of York Region) and Andrea Doucet, Sociology, Brock University; Young fathers—Annie Devault, University of Québec in Outaouais; Indigenous fathers—Jessica Ball, University of Victoria; Separated and divorced fathers—Edward Kruk, University of British Columbia; Fathers of children with special needs—Ted McNeill, the Hospital for Sick Children.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: Research funding was received from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada, Community-University Research Alliances Program.