Family Dynamics at the Intersection of Languages,Cultures,and Aspirations: Reflections of Young Adults from Immigrant Families

Home language and family communication

English is reported by study participants to be their dominant language, the language they feel most comfortable using in their daily life. Based on the participants’ responses, it appears that first-born children retain more heritage language than subsequent children do (“For my younger brother, it was just pure English”). Interestingly, all participants state that they prefer to speak English with their siblings, even when both are proficient in a heritage language. A Palestinian female, who is a fluent bilingual conversing with her parents in Arabic, comments, “I don’t imagine me sitting with my sister and speaking in Arabic.” Similarly, a Bosnian female describes, “With my brother we speak English; only sometimes he’ll yell at me in our language, as a joke.” English is reported as the dominant language even by the participants who did not begin to learn it until kindergarten and who spoke their heritage language for the first five years of life.

Recounting family communication, many participants describe speaking a mixture of English and heritage language, where a parent would speak Turkish, Arabic, or Spanish, for instance, and a child would respond in English. A Polish male explains, “I speak broken Polish, my mother speaks broken English. Somehow we manage to communicate.” A minority of the participants, however, report a communication breakdown that resulted from their parents’ rudimentary English and their own limited knowledge of the heritage language. When there is no common language, family communication is affected, as Chinese female shares, “I’m not fluent in Chinese, and it’s hard to explain things to my mom. She doesn’t know much English, so she takes things the wrong way.” In families like this one, generational conflicts may be exacerbated by the language and communication barriers.

Only a small number of participants say that at home they speak their heritage language. For example, a Portuguese female explains how, “Growing up it was definitely a no-no to speak English. If we spoke in English, we would be yelled at.” Parental resistance to English becoming a home language is reported in families who fit certain criteria: family resides in an ethnic enclave, parents are employed in ethnic business and/or have limited interactions with mainstream society, parents have low educational attainment and claim to have no long-term plans to stay in the U.S.

Nevertheless, the majority of participants name English as their home language, particularly in families where parents want to assimilate (“we came here to adopt a new culture and language”) and have longer residence in the U.S. Also, when parents’ jobs require English, the shift in a family’s home language happens faster. Many participants describe the transition to English that occurred over time, as their “parents became more Americanized,” or “started going to school to get a degree,” or made a commitment to learn or improve their English. A Colombian-Argentinean female shares, “Growing up, I remember speaking Spanish mostly. But my mom has always wanted to learn English. So now, she’ll be like, ‘Just talk to me in English.’” Other participants similarly describe their parents’ efforts to improve their English skills by requesting children’s help in correcting their English grammar and pronunciation.

The analysis of participants’ narratives shows a common path of shifting family languages: parents and children transition from speaking heritage language only, to mixing it with English, to finally abandoning their heritage language to speak only in English. A Peruvian female sums up the process, “It used to be only Spanish. Then it became Spanglish. Now it’s just pure English.” She laughs and adds that parents revert to Spanish only to reprimand her and her siblings.

Language brokering and parent−child relationships

A common theme among the interviewees was language brokering—when children translate documents and interpret verbal communication in various settings (e.g., school, bank, doctor’s/ lawyer’s/government office, car dealership) for their immigrant parents. Due to the added responsibility of language brokering, many participants state that they feel more mature and independent (“I had to grow up faster”). It is important to note that not all study participants reported language brokering. Some had educated, English-fluent parents who did not need their children’s translation to function in the host society. However, immigrant parents who did not know English depended on their children in many important matters. A Turkish female recalls, “. . .always translating: call a credit card company, a cable company, insurance, or when you get a letter from the bank—you know you have to translate it!” A daughter of Pakistani parents explains, “That’s the reason why we’re so responsible and know a lot of things other kids my age might not. As a 12 year old, I had to learn about the hemoglobin level and iron deficiency because of my mom’s blood issues.” As a young teen, she was responsible for keeping up with doctors’ appointments and reading prescriptions carefully to ensure her mother took the right dose of medication.

Informed by the extant literature, one of the interview questions asked participants whether their responsibilities as language brokers gave them more power than children typically have in a family. Interestingly, none of the participants reported a decline of parental authority. An Ecuadorian female explains, “I had a lot of responsibilities. But still my mom held the power, I couldn’t take over that.” A Polish male elaborates on why translating did not result in a power shift, “You do the translation and take care of some things for your parents, but they still make the decisions. You’re literally just a translator.” Despite their language-brokering responsibilities, study participants report that great respect for their parents’ authority prevented them from taking advantage of the situation by deceiving their parents or translating to their advantage. A Puerto-Rican-Salvadorian female admits she never dared to lie to her mother, “I remember translating during parent-teacher conferences, and I’d be scared to translate something wrong. My parents were strict, I couldn’t lie to them.”

Although many participants view language brokering in a positive light and accept it as their responsibility to family (“we had to help one another,” “my parents could depend on me, even at a young age”), many also describe it as a stressful experience. A young woman with Peruvian parents recalls, “It was aggravating, because [I felt] I shouldn’t be doing this.” With age, she became more understanding of her parents’ situation and describes language brokering as “something I have to do because of the sacrifices they made.” Many participants also feel that translating for adults in the family resulted in deeper connections. A Dominican participant believes these translating interactions “built a stronger trust and a bond between us, especially with my father.” When young adult children move away from home, many are still called on to help with translation or to provide feedback on important documents for their parents—responsibilities that add to the demands of their busy lives.

Reflecting back on when they were younger, the interviewees admit to feeling embarrassed by their parents’ limited knowledge of the English language. Several participants recalled situations when the things their parents said in English did not sound right due to poor language skills, difficulties with idioms, or comic misunderstandings. However, as they matured, participants learned to appreciate their parents and their cultural quirks: “It doesn’t embarrass me at 24, but when I was younger it embarrassed me!” Related to this sentiment, many children also remember wanting to blend in and not be different from their English-monolingual peers, particularly if residing in communities with few immigrants (“when I was little, I wanted to only speak in English, like others”). However, those participants who grew up in ethnic enclaves and those who attended diverse schools, do not report feeing embarrassed by their heritage language (“we were all the same”). A more comprehensive discussion of heritage language, ethnic identity, and “fitting in” was detailed in a previous publication from this study (Nesteruk et al., 2015).

Authoritative parenting with an emphasis on respect and restricted freedom

All the participants report that respect towards parents, elders, and older siblings was a value emphasized in their homes. The second generation grows up with strong values of family cohesiveness and respect (“there is a lot of respect and closeness [in my family],” “family is really important to me”). When participants challenged their parents’ authority or talked back growing up, they were deemed disrespectful and “too American.” Immigrant parents pushed back against such attitudes and behaviors, as described by a Palestinian female, “My mother always said, ‘Don’t think I’ll accept this. Just because you see it on TV it doesn’t mean it is the right way to treat your parents!’” Another participant quotes her Indian mother, “Oh, now you’re going to talk back to me? You think that you’re that cool American kid? No, not in my house!” Immigrant parents instilled a strong expectation for respectful behavior in their children. Consequently, many of the narratives in the study concur with the statement by a Peruvian young woman, “The way I speak to my parents is different; some people will just talk back and disrespect their parents, but I can’t do that.”

Participants describe their parents as very involved, caring, and motivated to give them a better life. They use descriptors that would fit the authoritative parenting style: “[My parents] explain things and tell me a reason why I have to do something,” and “I have a good relationship with my parents.” At the same time, these authoritative parents are reported to be quite strict, placing much importance on proper behavior. A Bosnian female recalls how at the sight of a child throwing a tantrum in public her mother would comment, “If that were you, I would be pulling you by the ear and you would never do this to me again. This is our culture; we don’t behave like this.” Interestingly, participants note that their parents became more lenient with their younger children, who reportedly turned out less respectful than the older siblings who experienced stricter parenting.

When discussing their upbringing, many participants feel that, compared with their peers with U.S.-born parents, they experienced restrictions of freedom and overprotection. Due to their lack of familiarity with the new environment, immigrant parents limited their children’s “hanging out” with friends and forbade sleepovers, as will be described in the next subtheme. A daughter of immigrants from Chile and Colombia had a 9 p.m. curfew as a teenager, which prevented her from joining her friends who “were just going out at 9 p.m.” Other participants experienced similar restrictions growing up and some continue to live with a parent-imposed curfew, despite being legal adults, which reportedly inhibits their independence. A daughter of Indian parents’ shares: “I’m 21 and I still have to ask my mom’s permission if I can go to the movies with my friends.” A Nigerian female notes that her American friends have more freedom, especially after they turn 18, “But my curfew is still 11 p.m., and my friends laugh at me! They don’t even ask me to go places because they know my parents would say no.” Participants report feeling different growing up, and a handful admitted hating their parents for not being allowed to do “the same things our American friends were allowed to do” and struggling to explain it. However, with their immigrant friends (of any national background) there would just be “this understanding of our immigrant parents.” Participants found solace in exchanging stories with peers from immigrant families and it helped them feel less alone.

As the children of immigrants develop into young adults, they gain a new appreciation of their parents’ protective parenting style. Many participants discuss that now they understand their parents better and interpret their past restrictions of freedom as a way of parents “looking out” for them. Both young men and women share their conviction that this parenting approach saved them from getting in trouble growing up, especially “considering the town” or the neighborhood some lived in. They admit that if their parents were not strict, they “would be in bad stuff and wouldn’t be in school.” An Ecuadorian female sums up a common sentiment, “It’s good that immigrant parents keep their customs. The children may hate it, but it protects them and keeps them goal oriented.”

Cultural brokering to narrow generational and cultural gaps

Because their immigrant parents did not experience childhood and adolescence in the U.S. and relied on their original culture as a frame of reference, many participants describe their parents as “stuck in the old ways” or having a “different mindset.” As a result, they feel that their parents did not always have the best advice for them and did not know how to guide them. A Syrian male explains, “Our parents didn’t grow up here, so they don’t know how to handle it.” The normative generational gap is widened by an additional, cultural gap between the foreign-socialized immigrant parents and their American-raised children. In such families, children may have to perform cultural brokering for their immigrant parents. Participants recall having to explain the concept of “bullying” or the practice of “spirit week in school.” They also had to normalize the idea of “hanging out” with friends at the shopping center or the tradition of a beach weekend after senior prom. Some had to convince their Hispanic parents that fraternity was not a gang and sorority was not a cult.

Another example, mentioned by almost all of the participants, was the American practice of sleepovers, which was perceived negatively and forbidden by immigrant parents of both girls and boys. A Peruvian female comments, “Sleeping over is a big American thing! Every little girl has sleepovers, but I wasn’t allowed to, because it wasn’t right for a girl to be outside the home overnight.” Boys experienced similar restrictions, as shared by a male participant from Poland who recalled “crying and having a fit about it,” but never being able to participate in a sleepover because his parents did not accept their children “sleeping in other people’s houses.”

Masters of code-switching, and attuned to cultural differences, children of immigrants also recall having to ask parents to lower their voice in public, be less direct, and less confrontational in interactions with “the Americans.” Over time, in some families, cultural brokering extended to young adults questioning their parents’ traditional views about same-sex relationships or challenging their parents’ stereotypes about other ethnic groups. As addressed in a previous publication from this study (Nesteruk & Gramescu, 2012), the second generation socialized in the United States turned out more open-minded than their immigrant parents. In time, these young adults confront their parents’ racist or ignorant beliefs, leading to family conflict and also to the development of more progressive views in the first generation.

First-generation immigrants are often highly motivated individuals who come to the U.S. seeking a better life for themselves and their children. It is not surprising that participants report that their immigrant parents place considerable emphasis on education and studying, while attributing little importance to their social relationships with peers. An Albanian female recalls how her mother used to give her “whack advice” in response to her sharing about a conflict with a friend, “Mom would be like, ‘oh stop trying to be American, why would you want to be friends with her? Calm down, go wash the dishes and do your homework.’” Similarly, a Chinese female shares, “Like relationships in school, or girls fighting over a boy—it was not important to my parents. It was all about grades.” Another participant did not tell her parents that she was bullied in elementary school until years later—she felt that her parents “would not understand” and thus would be of no help.

Lacking personal experience of growing up in the U.S., many immigrant parents may operate based on the rules of their countries of origin circa when they left. A Polish male sums up: “My parents wouldn’t see it as 2008 America; they would see it as 1988 Poland.” If they tried to offer helpful advice or guidance to their children, it was often rejected or deemed as irrelevant in the U.S. context. When parents were of no help, younger children sought advice from their older siblings. A Russian male recalls, “I’d talk to my sister because she’s obviously more Americanized than my parents.” Similarly, a Portuguese young man remembers he did not think his parents “would actually understand” his problems at school or with friends, so he would call his older brother or sister. Essentially, older children used their own experiences to guide their younger siblings. It is important to note that immigrant parents who were more acculturated due to their education or work were reported to be better able to relate to their children’s general concerns, peer relations, or assist with homework.

Appreciation of sacrifices and overcoming hardships

Participants report that their parents immigrated to the U.S. to seek a better life and opportunities or to escape persecution. These young adults grew up hearing stories of sacrifices and overcoming hardships, which are highly motivational to the second generation. A Romanian female reflects, “For me, anything is possible because my parents came here with nothing, no English, just two suitcases and a baby. They struggled and worked long hours [so we could have a good life].” Along the way, immigrant parents had to take any jobs they could to support their family. Hence, a constant reminder to their children, as shared by a Peruvian female, “What we go through is for you to become successful. Go to school, study, so you don’t have to be a factory worker like me.” Participants appreciate the sacrifices their parents made by leaving behind their family and things they were familiar with in order to build a life with more opportunities for their children. A young woman from Ecuador recounts everything her parents had to give up: the support of close-knit extended family, a house, and a restaurant they had, “then coming here and starting from the beginning. . . It was very difficult, a very big sacrifice [in order] for me to have a better education, a better future.”

Not surprisingly, when asked about their role models, these young adults unanimously name their parents as people they look up to and also their older siblings for “showing the way.” They are proud of everything their immigrant parents have achieved: learning a new language, working hard, acculturating and establishing themselves in a new society, and building a new life. A daughter of an Ecuadorian father who only had an elementary education states, “He’s always been a hero in my eyes. I look up to my dad because of the crazy hours he works and how perseverant he’s been.” Another participant discussed her Greek mother as a role model, “I’ve never seen someone go through so much and still keep pushing through, doing what she has to do for her family.”

Many interviewees explain how their parents’ achievements influence them when it comes to perseverance and modeling a strong work ethic, as illustrated by a quote from a Filipina young woman, “My mom taught me that work ethic is very important and you have to work hard. When I look at my coworkers, I feel like they don’t have this drive to work or to study.” A young man with Puerto Rican parents summarizes a common refrain, “If your parents could do it without any help, deal with all the hard stuff—I know I shouldn’t complain about some things getting in my way.” Witnessing their parents’ determination, discipline, and hard work, the second generation cannot help but absorb this immigrant drive and the aspirations that come with it.

Young adults with immigrant parents also grow up with the weight of high expectations their parents have for them to realize the “American dream.” A Portuguese young woman shares, “Because my parents worked so hard to get where they are, I work a lot harder than my peers sometimes and I stress out a lot about being successful when I graduate.” Besides parents as role models, participants who were young children in the family also name their older siblings as their role models—the first in the family to realize their parents’ aspirations, to “show the way,” and to set an example for the younger siblings.

This discussion also brought up participants’ experiences with visits to their parents’ countries of origin. These visits made a strong impact on the young people by making them appreciate the conveniences of life in the U.S. and realize the privileges they have as Americans. A Portuguese female reflects, “The people who’ve been here for generations, they don’t appreciate what they have—the resources and amenities in this country, compared to others.” Visiting extended family outside the U.S. and witnessing the shortage of food and supplies, interruptions of water and electricity, as well as restrictions of personal freedoms, children of immigrants develop an appreciation for the things they have in the U.S. A Turkish young woman notes, “We take many things for granted in America, but when you’re in other countries you definitely know what it’s like to not have it.” Between these transnational experiences and the examples of their parents overcoming adversities in immigration, the second generation develops a perspective that contributes to their motivation to work hard and take advantage of the opportunities they have.

Focus on education and upward mobility

The importance of education and upward mobility to realize the dreams of their immigrant parents are emphasized across all interviews. Children of immigrants, aware of their parents’ struggles, grow up with high academic expectations and a sense of obligation to their family to be successful. As illustrated by a daughter of Bangladeshi parents, “It’s our upbringing! Parents who are immigrants have high educational expectations for us. [That is why] we are more into education, we want to make our parents proud.” A Romanian young woman similarly comments, “It was my job to get good grades because [my parents] sacrificed so much to come to this country that it was my duty to make sure that I amounted to something.” Not surprisingly, youth from immigrant families feel the pressure of high expectations throughout their childhoods. A Chinese young man remembers, “Hearing those immigration stories—I wouldn’t want to disappoint my father. [There was] the standard that I had to live up to.” Even in families where immigrant parents had limited English skills that prevented them from helping their children with homework, there was a lot of encouragement to excel in school. A Dominican young woman recalls her parents’ expectations, “Education is their number one priority [for us].”

Immigrant parents associate academic success in school with attaining respected and well-paying jobs, a benchmark of success. They hope for professional occupations for their children to enjoy financial stability and not struggle as they did. A Nigerian participant states, “The African dream is to become a doctor or an engineer.” A Palestinian female explains, “Position in Palestine is very important, you are defined as ‘the doctor’ or ‘the pharmacist.’”

High professional aspirations and academic expectations create a lot of pressure and stress for the second generation. A young woman with Indian parents describes, “They expect a lot! All this pressure: we have to do great in school, we have to make it in life and find a job, ‘cus we owe them so much.” Participants share stories of striving for perfect grades because anything lower than an A was unacceptable in their parents’ eyes. A Romanian young woman recalls, “American kids in my school say they’re aiming for a C or B+. But my dad would say, ‘Why not a 100? How are you aiming for an average grade? Put in the effort.’”

When it comes to college, the guidance children of immigrants receive depends on their parents’ English proficiency and educational background. While immigrant professionals can provide informational and financial support to their children, in many immigrant families, the practicalities of understanding and navigating the U.S. educational system fall to the second generation (“I had to figure out college on my own”). A Colombian young woman shares, “My parents were like, ‘Ok. Go to college.’ But I don’t think they ever understood what it involved.” Many participants share that they had to navigate college applications on their own, dealing with a lot of stress (“I would cry because I was really overwhelmed.”) A Bosnian young woman shares that her parents were not “well-versed in the language of higher education” and were unable to help her when she was researching schools and considering locations, loans, and networking opportunities; her parents trusted her “to do the right thing.”

What helped many of these young adults were their previous experiences with self-advocacy in school, language and cultural brokering, and the completion of various responsibilities growing up. A Peruvian young woman shares, “I became independent very early on. Anything for school, any transactions, any trips, it would be all up to me. I didn’t rely on my mom for that.” She grew into a responsible and independent person, who “. . .filled out my own financial aid application, I filed my own taxes, made my appointments with the driving instructor, I went to all these meetings, so I got all that done by myself.” Like many of her second-generation peers, she is now helping her younger siblings with their school matters.

In sum, across all interviews, the participants emphasized how their parents’ immigrant optimism and emphasis on education for upward economic mobility motivated them academically. Inspired by their parents’ sacrifices of migration and examples of a strong work ethic, these young adults grew up motivated to fulfill their parents’ American dream.