“Once You Become a Parent,You are a Parent Forever”: An Examination of Memorable Messages About Having Children and Becoming a Parent

Abstract

This study examined memorable messages about the decision to have children and become a parent. A total of 440 memorable messages were coded, and three main themes were found. Advice and considerations included warnings, messages about delaying having children, predictions about changing one’s mind, messages about financial and relational stability, and messages emphasizing personal choice. The theme of positive emphasis included children bring meaning/purpose to life, general positivity, messages about how children complete a family, and messages about how the parent–child relationship is unique and special. Family expectations and influence included messages about a family expectation to have children, family lineage, how the child becomes the caregiver, the parents’ desire to become grandparents, and marriage being a necessity. The memorable messages overall offered both positive and negative portrayals of having children. The continued theorizing about memorable messages is also discussed.

Keywords

memorable messages romantic relationships parenthood children

Becoming a parent is one of the most important transitions that an individual can go through. The experience of becoming a parent fundamentally changes one’s self-identity and has ramifications for not just the individual but the couple and the family overall. Much research has focused on the transition to parenthood and how becoming a parent affects the marital relationship specifically (Cowan & Cowan, 2000; Lawrence et al., 2010). Research has also examined how the family of origin, specifically parents, plays a crucial role as models or references for new parents (Kerr et al., 2009; Massey, 1986; Prioste et al., 2016). However, research has not examined the messages about becoming parents that are shared with children that might influence their decision about whether or not to become parents themselves. As such, the current study seeks to fill this gap in the research by examining the recalled messages given to children from parents (or parent-like figures) about having children and becoming a parent. This topic is worthy of research attention given that the decision to become a parent is life-changing and irrevocable and affects the family system overall, and because of the ability of memorable messages to provide insight into family life and communication, as well as socialize members (Holman & Koenig Kellas, 2018), provide guidance (Lucas & Buzzanell, 2012; Stohl, 1986), and impact decision making (Jackl, 2016).

Literature Review

Parent–Child Memorable Messages

Interpersonal communication researchers have long examined memorable messages in a variety of contexts. Knapp et al. (1981) defined memorable messages as messages that are relatively short, passed down from an important and influential individual, are remembered over an extended period of time, are believed to be influential in one’s life, and contain lessons about appropriate behavior. By definition, only relatively few messages become memorable, internalized, and thought to have a lasting impact (Kaufman et al., 2013; Knapp et al., 1981; Stohl, 1986). Although memorable messages have been studied in a variety of contexts, much research has focused on the family realm, specifically messages that parents pass down to children regarding a variety of topics. Research has examined parental messages about identity and motherhood (Heisler & Butler Ellis, 2008), moral messages about what is right and wrong (Waldron et al., 2014), messages about family economic hardships (Lucas & Buzzanell, 2012), messages about balancing work and family (Daniels & Rittenour, 2020), and messages about navigating college life (Nazione et al., 2011). Several studies have examined messages about sex (Holman & Koenig Kellas, 2018; Kaufman et al., 2013; Rubinsky & Cooke-Jackson, 2017), sexual health (Gunning et al., 2020), and sexuality and dating (Heisler, 2014). Taken together, this body of research demonstrates the important role that parents play in sharing lessons about life transitions associated with becoming an adult. Indeed, Koepke and Japp Dennissen (2012) argued that “relationships with parents can be seen as micro-social contexts in which significant others provide self-relevant feedback that supports young persons’ psychosocial development, especially in transitions from childhood to adolescence and from adolescence to emerging adulthood” (p. 68).

Previous researchers have focused on mother–daughter communication broadly, and memorable messages passed down from mothers to daughters specifically, because mothers have been found to be the primary source of family memorable messages (Koenig Kellas, 2010), specifically those about work and family (Medved & Graham, 2006), women’s reproductive and sexual health (Gunning et al., 2020), and sex and dating (Heisler, 2014; Koenig Kellas, 2010). Although the focus on mothers and young women is important, previous research has also called for attention to messages given by fathers (Heisler & Butler Ellis, 2008) and messages given to sons (Daniels & Rittenour, 2020).

A few of the studies that examined memorable messages about relationships, dating, and parenting have found themes that may be relevant to the current study. Specifically, Koenig Kellas (2010), in her study on mother–daughter memorable messages about relationships, found four general themes, which included messages that daughters should value themselves, messages about the characteristics of a good relationship, warnings, and messages about valuing the sanctity of love.Heisler and Butler Ellis (2008) examined memorable messages about being a good mother and found four main themes: motherhood as a priority, behaviors/characteristics of good mothers, motherhood as unidimensional, and motherhood as dialectic. Daniels and Rittenour (2020) examined memorable messages about work and family. They asked participants to remember a memorable message about work and family and then answer questions about it, although they did not ask for a recounting of the memorable message specifically. The researchers called for future studies to examine the content of memorable messages about work and family life (Daniels & Rittenour, 2020).

Jackl (2016) examined memorable messages about marriage and argued that this examination is important to determine if the messages about marriage are setting up realistic expectations for the marital relationship or whether they are contributing to the “marital myth” (Galician, 2004; Larson, 1988). As she argued, “discovering what messages about marriage are memorable enough to be recalled later in life could be vital to understanding what, if any, messages are being retained and used to formulate ideas and expectations of marriage within the United States” (Jackl, 2016, p. 196). Interestingly, Jackl (2016) found that most of her participants felt that their parents passed on correct messages about marriage, which included marriage as a lifelong commitment, marriage as work, and traditional values of marriage.

A similar argument could be made for messages about having a child and becoming a parent. Just as there are mythical beliefs about marriage, so are there mythical beliefs about parenthood, which could contribute to unrealistic expectations about the decision to become a parent and the transition to parenthood. Sanders et al. (2023), in their study that examined new parents’ actual experiences compared with their preconceived beliefs about parenthood, found that most of their participants reported unrealistic expectations about the demands of new parenthood. These unrealistic expectations led some of their participants to feel inadequate in their new role as parents (Sanders et al., 2023). While these studies provided helpful information about unrealistic expectations, both examined the expectations of participants who already experienced the transition to marriage (Jackl, 2016) and the transition to parenthood (Sanders et al., 2023). More research is needed on the messages, about parenthood specifically, that might influence beliefs prior to making the decision to have children or not.

Memorable Message Theorizing

A critique of research on memorable messages has been that the research is atheoretical or undertheorized (Braithwaite et al., 2015). Most applicable to the present study are the memorable message studies that have examined messages about relationships. A few theories have been utilized in this relational research, including Communicated Narrative Sense-Making Theory (e.g., Holman & Koenig Kellas, 2018; Kranstuber Horstman et al., 2023), Control Theory (e.g., Nazione et al., 2011; Smith & Ellis, 2001), and Face Negotiation Theory (e.g., Heisler & Butler Ellis, 2008). Kaufman et al. (2013) used a narratology perspective to examine memorable messages as narratives because of the special meaning and life lessons they contain for individuals (Browning, 2009). This perspective argues that memorable messages themselves serve a similar sense-making function as narratives (Kaufman et al., 2013; Weick et al., 2005). Similarly, Kranstuber Horstman et al. (2023) used Communicated Sense Making (Koenig Kellas & Kranstuber Horstman, 2015) to examine men’s memorable messages about miscarriage. They describe memorable messages as a communicative sense-making device, similar to accounts, attributions, and metaphors (Kranstuber Horstman et al., 2023). They put forth “the idea of situating memorable messages in narratives, rather than as narratives” (Kranstuber Horstman et al., 2023, p. 748), recognizing that memorable messages are often contained in narratives.

In perhaps the most comprehensive review of memorable message research to date, Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018) reviewed the existing literature on memorable messages, including the theoretical perspectives utilized. They argued “that not only has the memorable message construct/framework offered saliency and a means to understand messages we receive about ourselves and the world from others but that the longevity of the framework as well as its potential to address current trends means memorable messages can hold its own as a Theory of Memorable Messages” (Cooke-Jackson & Rubinsky, 2018, p. 418). They proposed four components of the theory: 1) that memorable messages are remembered over long periods of time and that the importance of the message may change over the lifespan; 2) that the messages have a lasting impact that can be either positive or negative; 3) that they are part of a socialization process and have the potential to be internalized and effect identity and behaviors; and 4) that they are defined by the impact they have, rather than their form, modality, or content (Cooke-Jackson & Rubinsky, 2018, 2021). They also advocated for the continued examination of the implications of negative memorable messages (Cooke-Jackson & Rubinsky, 2018). Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2021) further developed theorizing on memorable messages by advancing the concept of “disruption” or the ability of new messages to “complicate” previous inadequate, negative, unhelpful, or absent memorable messages. They detailed an application of this idea specifically for health messages, especially those experienced by marginalized groups (Cooke-Jackson & Rubinsky, 2021).

Kranstuber Horstman et al. (2023) further expanded on memorable message theorizing by arguing that memorable messages are contextual, meaning that the interpretation of memorable messages depends on the source, as well as other contextual factors, in addition to the content of the message. They also posited that silence itself can be a memorable message and that memorable messages highlight ethical considerations related to how people make sense of life experiences (Kranstuber Horstman et al., 2023). Taken together, previous research has made efforts toward developing a theory of memorable messages, positioning memorable messages as a type of retrospective sense-making stemming from narratives. The present study acknowledges that although memorable messages are not narratives themselves, they do provide a way for individuals to engage in sense-making about the important life transition of becoming a parent, and the criteria outlined by previous researchers, specifically Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018, 2021), provide a framework for the present study.

Research Question

As articulated above, although research has focused on memorable messages passed down from parents about relationships and relational behaviors, research has not examined messages about becoming a parent or having children specifically. This is arguably the most life-changing transition that an individual and a couple can go through, and one that parents, by definition, have already experienced. It is an area that is important to examine, perhaps especially because of the potential for these messages to be particularly long-lasting with the ability to effect decision making about family life. This study let participants themselves choose from whom the messages were most memorable, and as such included messages passed on from both mothers and fathers, as well as other family members. Finally, memorable messages are treated as a sense-making device, separate from but related to narratives. As such, the following research question is posed:

What memorable messages, and from whom, do participants report receiving about having children and becoming a parent?

Method

Procedure

This paper presents data from the first timepoint of a longitudinal study that examines beliefs about marriage and having children. After institutional review board approval, the link to a Qualtrics survey was distributed to university undergraduate students. Students were offered extra credit for one Communication Studies course for their participation. Participants were also asked to forward the survey link to any other people who might be interested. The link to the survey was also included in the email signature of the researcher. These two additional methods of recruitment resulted in broadening the sample to include non-student participants. Individuals who were forwarded the survey or clicked on the signature link via an email were given no compensation or incentive to participate. A total of 300 individuals responded to the initial survey during the spring and fall semesters of an academic year, with most (78%) completing it during a 2-month period. Prior to completing the survey, participants read an informed consent where they verified that they were over 18, were unmarried, and did not have any children (the participation criteria for the study) and indicated their consent to participate. The survey consisted of several sections asking about beliefs about marriage and having children, and participants who were currently involved in a romantic relationship were directed to further questions about their relationship. The data presented here are qualitative responses to the prompt “I am interested in memorable messages that you may have received from your parents (or parental figures) about becoming a parent. Specifically, I am interested in messages that are vividly remembered and may have impacted your behaviors, attitudes, or decisions. Please write any memorable messages that you received about the importance of having/not having children.” A second question asked what the researcher initially thought was a separate question about memorable messages about “becoming or not becoming a parent.” However, as the data were analyzed, it became clear that these questions yielded similar results, with saturation reached in the first data set of 227 memorable messages. As such, the messages provided in response to both questions are treated here as one data set consisting of 440 memorable messages provided by 237 participants. Participants were also asked who they received the message from and what they interpreted the message to mean.

Participants

Of the 237 participants who provided a memorable message, 194 (81.9%) were female and 43 (18.1%) were male. The self-reported ethnicity of the participants is as follows: 101 (42.6%) White/Caucasian, 53 (22.4%) Asian/Asian American, 39 (16.5%) Hispanic, 21 (8.9%) Multi-Racial, 14 (5.9%) Black/African American, 4 (1.7%) Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, and 5 (2.1%) listed “Other.” Age ranged from 18 to 40 years, with an average age of 22.33 years. Although most participants were college students, with 68 (28.7%) completing their junior year, 51 (21.5%) completing their sophomore year, and 19 (8.0%) completing their freshmen year, a significant number of participants were not college students, with 72 participants (30.4%) reporting that they had graduated, 17 (7.2%) reporting completing a graduate degree, and 7 (3.0%) reporting completing high school. This demographic information, as well as the sources of memorable messages explained below, is presented in Table 1.

Table 1.

Characteristics of Study Participants and Sources of Memorable Messages (N = 237).

Characteristics of participant	Frequency, n (%)
Sex
Female	194 (81.9%)
Male	43 (18.1%)
Ethnicity
White/Caucasian	101 (42.6%)
Asian/Asian American	53 (22.4%)
Hispanic	39 (16.5%)
Multi-Racial	21 (8.9%)
Black/African American	14 (5.9%)
Hawaiian/Pacific Islander	4 (1.7%)
Other	5 (2.1%)
Education
Completed senior year of college	72 (30.4%)
Completed junior year of college	68 (28.7%)
Completed sophomore year of college	51 (21.5%)
Completed freshmen year of college	19 (8.0%)
Completed high school	7 (3.0%)
Completed graduate degree	17 (7.2%)
Sources of memorable messages
Mother	183 (41.6%)
Father	33 (7.5%)
Both parents	72 (16.4%)
Grandmother	21 (4.8%)
Other family member	52 (11.8%)
Other	70 (15.9%)
No response	9 (2.0%)

Sources of Memorable Messages

The sources of the memorable messages were as follows: mother (n = 183; 41.6%), father (n = 33; 7.5%), both parents (n = 72; 16.4%), grandmother (n = 21; 4.8%), other family member (n = 52; 11.8%), other (n = 70; 15.9%), and no response (n = 9, 2.0%). The “other” category included family friends, a pastor’s wife, and a friend’s mom, as examples. Most of the memorable messages shared by participants were reported as coming from mothers, which is consistent with previous research that has found that mothers are the greatest source of memorable messages, particularly about relationships (Koenig Kellas, 2010).

Analysis

To analyze the memorable messages about becoming a parent, I followed the six-phase process for data engagement for reflexive thematic analysis outlined by Braun and Clarke (2020, 2021). First, I engaged in data familiarization, where I read through the memorable messages to become familiar with the content and took notes. Second, I engaged in systematic coding, looking for patterns in the responses and developing coding categories via a constant comparison method. Third, I generated initial themes from the data. These themes referenced larger categories than the specific codes. Fourth, I reviewed and further developed the themes, which included making sure that they were significantly different from each other. Fifth, I refined, defined, and named the themes, including grouping the themes and the specific codes within each theme. As much as possible, I used the participants wording as names for the themes and codes. The sixth and final phase of the process is writing the present report (Braun & Clarke, 2020). Thematic analysis is recommended for a large data set (Braun & Clarke, 2021) and reflexive thematic analysis was deemed an appropriate analytic method because it “emphasizes the researcher’s subjectivity as [an] analytic resource and their reflexive engagement with theory, data and interpretation” (Braun & Clarke, 2020, p. 3). Because reflexive thematic analysis focuses on the researcher’s subjectivity, it is important to note that I am a mother of young children and I therefore engaged with the data from the perspective of someone who has been through this transition to parenthood.

Results

The research question guiding this project asked what memorable messages participants reported receiving about having children and becoming a parent, and from whom they received these messages. The thematic analysis resulted in three themes with 14 sub-themes that were consistently repeated across the participant responses, with each memorable message being assigned one code. These are explained in detail below. Table 2 provides further information about how often each theme appeared in the data set with an additional exemplar for each sub-theme.

Table 2.

Memorable Messages About Having Children and Becoming a Parent (N = 440).

Theme	Exemplar quote	Frequency, n (%)
Advice and considerations		201 (45.7%)
Warnings	“Children cost a lot of money and that can be a burden to someone that works as hard as I do to get out of the lower-class background.”	99 (22.5%)
Delay	“While you’re young enjoy things for yourself; you have your whole life to be married with kids, so enjoy being single first.”	31 (7.0%)
Prediction	“When you find the right guy, you’ll know that you want a baby.”	28 (6.4%)
Financial and relational stability	“It is important to wait until you are ready, both mentally and financially.”	24 (5.5%)
Personal choice	“I was told to make sure that it was something that was important to me personally, not my family or my partner, but myself because it is such a large undertaking you need to know you're doing it for the right reasons.”	19 (4.3%)
Positive emphasis		169 (38.4%)
Meaning/purpose to life	“Children give life meaning.”	60 (13.6%)
Special type of love	“Having a child allows for the most special type of love.”	53 (12.0%)
General positivity	“Having a child is like having the world in your hand.”	35 (8.0%)
Complete family	“Having children is beautiful because you know that they came from you and someone you love.”	21 (4.8%)
Family expectations and influence		58 (13.0%)
Family expectation	“The idea that I would have children has always been an expected thing in my family.”	22 (5.0%)
Family lineage	“I need to have children in order to continue my bloodline/grow our family.”	9 (2.0%)
Child becomes caregiver	“Having a child is important so that you’ll have someone to take care of you when you are older.”	9 (2.0%)
Desire to become a grandparent	“My mother often says she cannot wait to have grandchildren and that if I don't have kids she will be very upset.”	9 (2.0%)
Marriage as necessary	“You must be married first.”	9 (2.0%)
Uncategorized	“I told God I would have as many babies as he wanted me to.”	12 (2.7%)

Advice and Considerations

The most frequent theme represents specific pieces of advice and considerations that were passed down to help guide the participants’ decision to have children. This category includes five sub-themes: warnings about having children, advice about delaying having children, predictions about the future, messages emphasizing the need for financial and relational stability, and messages indicating that having children is a personal choice.

Warnings

The most prevalent memorable message received by participants took the form of warnings. Sometimes this took the form of a specific warning to not have children, as it did for a 20-year-old man who shared “Mom told me to never have kids.” Other warnings concerned the number of children to have, such as a 23-year-old man who was warned by his mom “Don’t be outnumbered by your kids.” Other warnings were about the cost of having children, such as a 20-year-old woman who was simply told by her parents that “They are expensive” and warnings about how having children is a lifelong commitment, exemplified by a 20-year-old woman who said her parents told her “You’re not just a parent for 18 years, but a parent for life.”

Delay

Many participants were told by family members to delay having children for a variety of reasons, such as enjoying being young. For example, a 21-year-old woman was told “Have fun and enjoy being young before you have a baby.” Similarly, another 21-year-old woman was told by her mom to “Do as much ‘living’ as you can before you have kids.” Other participants were offered specific reasons to delay having children, such as the need to finish college first and/or settle in a career before having children. For example, a 21-year-old woman was told by her mother “Do not have kids until you are settled into your career!” Similarly, a 31-year-old woman was told by her family “Focus on your career first, kids can wait.”

Prediction

Predictions captured the memorable messages that the person will change their mind about having children or offered specific comments about what the person would be like as a parent. For example, a 20-year-old woman said her mom told her “You’re going to change your mind when you get older,” meaning that she does not know what she wants now as a young person, but that she will want children when she gets older. A 21-year-old woman reported “I was told [by my dad] that I would be a great parent because I always do my best to put myself in the parental position when considering my own parents.”

Financial and Relational Stability

These memorable messages captured the idea that one should have a stable relationship and stable finances before having children. A 23-year-old woman said her family taught her “Only have a child when you are financially ready, not just emotionally ready. It is a great joy, but the most important job you’ll have. Be prepared.” A 21-year-old woman said her mom told her “It is important to be able to provide for them and create a positive environment in the home (i.e., a good relationship with your spouse).”

Personal Choice

Some participants reported that they received messages that they should make their own decision about having children based on what is best for them. For example, a 20-year-old woman reported that her mom told her “It is your choice if you want a child or not. I don’t care if I get grandchildren. It is your decision. Just make sure to reflect on the world you’re going to bring this baby into.” A 21-year-old woman reported “My father has always, of course, hoped that I would have kids since I am his only child, but he has always reassured me that no matter what I decide to do he’ll back me up…”

Positive Emphasis

This theme included any memorable messages that represented positive comments about having children and emphasized the positive emotions associated with becoming a parent. Four sub-themes were found that related to positivity: that children bring meaning/purpose to life, that parental love is a special type of love, general positivity, and that children complete a family.

Meaning/Purpose to Life

These memorable messages captured the idea that becoming a parent is what gives life purpose. A 23-year-old man said that his grandmother told him “Having children gives meaning to life. What’s the point of life without raising children and having someone to share life with?” A 24-year-old woman shared “I’ve heard [from my family] that bringing a baby into this world gives you a new meaning of life.” Similarly, a 27-year-old man was told by his mother “They [children] give you a purpose in life.”

Special Type of Love

These memorable messages talked about the uniqueness of the parent–child bond and how it is a love like no other. A 20-year-old woman said that her dad told her “You don’t know what love is until your hold your first child.” They also emphasized that the relationship is unique because the difficulty and hard work associated with having children, but that the difficulty and hard work are worth it. For example, a 23-year-old woman reported that her dad told her “Becoming a parent is the hardest thing you’ll go through in life, but well worth the reward.”

General Positivity

These memorable messages represented general positive comments and positive emotions about having children. Examples include a 23-year-old woman whose mom told her that “Having children is wonderful” and a 20-year-old woman who was told by her mom that “The best surprise in life is when the baby comes out and you discover if it’s a boy or a girl.” A 22-year-old woman was told by her mom “Becoming a mother was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Complete Family

These memorable messages captured the idea that having children comes from a bond with someone you love and that children are a creation or manifestation of the love between two people. This theme also included memorable messages that children complete a family. A 36-year-old woman reported that her mother told her that “Having kids is how couples express their love and having something together.” A 20-year-old woman said a family member told her “If you don’t have your own kids, your life is not complete.”

Family Expectations and Influence

This theme captured memorable messages that referenced a family expectation or influence on the decision to have children. These messages represent specific comments about expectations and beliefs that family members, often the parents, passed on to their children about becoming parents.

Family Expectation

Several participants responded that they received messages indicating that their family expected that they would have children at some point. For example, 23-year-old woman was told by her father “I can’t wait for you to have a little one running around.” A 25-year-old man shared that his mother explicitly told him “I want you to have kids someday.” Similarly, a 26-year-old woman shared “It has always been assumed by both parents that I will when I’m ready. As in, the idea of not having children is not even an option that’s discussed or considered.”

Family Lineage

These messages were about the importance of continuing on the family name. For example, a 20-year-old woman reported that her mom told her “Having children is important because they are the next generation, if you don’t, it will just end.” Similarly, a 21-year-old woman said that her grandmother told her that having children is important for “Carrying on your family bloodline [and] name.”

Child Becomes Caregiver

These memorable messages captured the idea that one of the reasons to have children is so that they can take care of you when you are old. For example, an 18-year-old woman said that her dad told her “You don’t want to die alone with no one to take care of you.” A 28-year-old woman said that her parents told her “Parents are the caretakers in the children’s early age, but children become their parents’ caretakers. [It is] nice to have that mutual support.”

Desire to Become a Grandparent

These messages were passed down from parents and emphasized how they want to become grandparents. For example, a 21-year-old woman said “My parents also sometimes talk about what they are going to be like as grandparents. [This] shows me that they definitely want grandkids from my brother and I.” A 40-year-old man shared this message from his parents: “That it would be highly desirable to be a parent, to serve the function of providing grandchildren and a purpose for my parents, as grandparents.”

Marriage as Necessary

This sub-theme includes messages about how, usually the parents, expected that their child be married before having children. A 22-year-old woman said that her mom told her “You should wait till marriage before having children.” A 24-year-old woman was told by her mother “Do NOT have children out of wedlock.”

Interpretation of Memorable Messages

In addition to asking about the content of the memorable message, participants were also asked what they interpreted the message to mean. In analyzing the responses, the majority of participants answered this question by restating the message in a different way. However, some of the participants gave an evaluation of the message, and those that did emphasized that the message was negative and/or unhelpful. For example, a 23-year-old man shared a message from his grandmother about how children give meaning to life. He evaluated the message in this way: “While I understand wanting children to raise responsible and loving adults, I think the message was a sign of not being able to handle being alone. I think life can be just as meaningful and happy without children.” A 40-year-old man shared a message from his parents about the importance of carrying on the family name, which he commented was “perhaps outdated.” A 20-year-old woman reported that a family member shared a message that life is not complete without children, and she commented that this message was “bullsh*t.” A 25-year-old man shared a memorable message from his mother about how she wants him to have kids. He offered this interpretation: “I want you to have kids for my own self-gratification regardless of whether or not you want one or it is financially feasible.” These examples demonstrate that memorable messages can be impactful and evaluated as negative or unhelpful.

Memorable Message Form

While most of the memorable messages followed a traditional, simple sentence format, some messages that were shared captured more global sentiments that were not a simple message but were a memorable message in regard to influencing the attitudes and behaviors of participants. For example, a 20-year-old woman stated “It’s not a distinct message, but the idea that I (and all of my other family members) would have children has always been an expected thing in my family.” Similarly, a 22-year-old woman shared that she “was raised to want to become a mother and one day have children” although she did not recount one specific message. A 23-year-old woman shared “One of the most memorable messages I have received about having children has been seeing my mom interact with her side of the family, with her mom, two sisters, and brother. My mom has always been close to her family and I grew up spending a lot of time with my cousins. It’s this sense of strong family commitment that has created my strong desire to have children and create a family of my own.” A 23-year-old woman shared “My family never talked about children or having children with me. I think silence was the most impactful message.” She interpreted this lack of communication about having children in this way: “That children were not a huge priority for them [her parents].”

Discussion

This study sought to examine the memorable messages that now adult children reported receiving from their parents or parent-like figures about becoming a parent and having children. Having children is a life-changing transition that parents, by definition, have already experienced. Examining the memorable messages that they pass on about this transition is important to gain insight into how parents view this family event, especially given the consequential and irrevocable nature of becoming a parent.

The themes found in the memorable messages provided by participants in this study portray a wide-ranging view of parenthood. The most common themes involved considerations and advice, which included warnings about having children, reasons to delay having children, predictions about the future, and messages about being financially and relationally stable. The second most common theme included messages that emphasized positivity, which included messages about how children give meaning and purpose to life, how the parent–child bond is a unique and special type of love, general positive comments about having children, and messages about how children complete the family. Although they did not occur with as much frequency, messages representing family expectations and influence, most notably having a family expectation to have children and a desire to carry on the family lineage, were also recalled by participants, as were the desire to have someone to care for you when you are old and the parents’ desire to become grandparents. Some participants also shared explicit messages they received that marriage was necessary in order to have children. The memorable messages overall capture the variety of considerations and concerns that are involved in the complicated decision to become a parent.

Notably, the most frequent single theme represented warnings about having children, which emphasized the cost involved, the lack of freedom, and at times explicit advice from parents to their own children to not have children themselves. Interestingly, some previous research on memorable messages and relationships has also included a theme of warnings. Specifically, Merolla et al. (2017) found that memorable messages about relationships included warnings, specifically in the form of cautionary tales and reality checks. Similarly, Koenig Kellas (2010) found that mothers passed on warnings about relationships, which included general warnings and stories of personal regret. The present findings offer another example of how memorable messages from parents about relational issues often take the form of warnings, perhaps representing a desire on the part of parents for their children to avoid mistakes that they themselves have made. This could, in part, be due to the sample, with memorable messages to college students in particular taking the form of warnings.

Jackl (2016), in her study on memorable messages about marriage, found themes emphasizing the lifelong commitment of marriage and that marriage is work, what could be viewed as two realistic messages about marriage. The messages from the present study that children also represent a lifelong commitment and the cautions about the hard work involved, both part of the warnings sub-theme, offer realistic messages about becoming a parent. Indeed, although many of the messages represented positive and perhaps idealistic views of parenthood, many also represented a realistic view of the hardships, sacrifices, cost, and work involved in having children. Offering realistic views of parenthood, similar to the realistic views of marriage portrayed in Jackl’s (2016) findings, is likely helpful in combatting what can sometimes be idealized views of the transition to parenthood that can lead to new parents feeling unprepared and inadequate (Sanders et al., 2023).

This study contributes to the development of a theory of memorable messages by further applying the four criteria discussed by Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018, 2021). Memorable messages are, by definition, remembered over long periods of time. Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018) emphasized that the importance of the messages may change over time as an individual moves across the lifespan. The participants in this study represented a range of ages, but it could be argued that all are within the expected life stage where thoughts of parenthood might be becoming more important and consequential.

This study also extends the focus put forth by Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky that memorable messages can have a negative impact, even though much of the existing literature has focused on positive messages, as seen in the negative interpretation of the memorable messages by participants that was described earlier.

The third criteria in the development of a theory of memorable messages put forth by Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018, 2021) is that memorable messages help to socialize individuals, in this case family members, and impact their development of identity and behaviors. This study provides further evidence of the ability of memorable messages to aid in sense-making through identity formation and impact on behaviors. The memorable messages shared have a potential impact on one of the most important life decisions a person can make: whether or not to have children, and the corresponding identity and role changes that come with that decision.

Finally, Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2018, 2021) argued that memorable messages are defined by their impact, rather than their form, delivery method, or even content. The memorable messages shared in this study offer further evidence of this tenet. Early work on memorable messages argued that they often take a specific form, emphasizing that they are brief, rule structured, and include specific wording on what should or ought to be done (Knapp et al., 1981; Stohl, 1986). However, the memorable messages shared by participants in this study demonstrate that memorable messages sometimes do not take this form and can include messages learned from personal experience (Ellis & Smith, 2004). Kranstuber Horstman et al. (2023) recently discussed the inclusion of silence as a memorable message in and of itself, which was mentioned by some of the participants in this study. Although the majority of the messages shared by participants in this study did follow a rather traditional format, as was first conceptualized by early researchers on the topic, the examples provided earlier offer further evidence that memorable messages do not need to take a traditional form in order to have a lasting impact and be considered a memorable message.

Limitations and Areas for Future Research

Although this study includes a robust collection of memorable messages and included messages passed on from both mothers and fathers, as well as other family members, to both daughters and sons, there are some limitations to keep in mind. The first is that the majority of respondents were women, with men making up only 18.1%. Future research could benefit from a more even sample of men and women. Additionally, only two gender categories were offered (with all participants choosing either male or female); however, future research could include a greater variety of gender identities. Another limitation is that participants were instructed to report on a memorable message that “may have impacted your behaviors, attitudes, or decisions,” but the way in which the message impacted behaviors, attitudes, or decisions was not captured. Future research could examine how the memorable messages about having children impact participants and their decisions in specific ways. Gaining an evaluation of the helpfulness of the memorable message, preferred messages, or messages that would have been more beneficial would support the further development of the theory of memorable messages put forth by Cooke-Jackson and Rubinsky (2021), especially how new messages could “disrupt” and “complicate” previous messages. Although they were most interested in how a theory of memorable messages applied to health communication (Cooke-Jackson & Rubinsky, 2021), this study demonstrates how the theory could also be applied to relational and family contexts. Although this study contributes to the continued effort to develop a theory of memorable messages by offering further evidence of the four criteria presented within the context of family relationships, more work is needed to fully develop a theory that captures the important role that memorable messages play in sense-making, identity, and decision making, particularly about important relational and family events.

Conclusion

This study contributes to the application of memorable message research to the family realm by focusing on the important life transition of becoming a parent and the messages that people report receiving from parents or parent-like figures about having children. The variety of memorable messages that were shared emphasized not only the positive emotions associated with parenthood but also offered a realistic portrayal of the challenges of parenthood.

Footnotes

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

ORCID iD

Eve-Anne M. Doohan

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