Ready for Parenthood? On Intensive Parenting Ideals and Fertility

Introduction

The parental role in Europe and North America has evolved continuously over time, with an increasing focus on children’s welfare. For a long time, children were simply regarded as ‘small adults’ who do not require special attention (Ariès, 1965; Mintz, 2004). Over time, the perception of how children grow up has changed. Whereas in the past, it was seen as a natural process of minor importance, and it is now regarded as a project that should be actively steered (Jergus et al., 2017). Hays (1996) studied the consequences of this development for mothers and launched one of the most dominant parenting discourses of the last decades with her ‘intensive mothering’ approach (Arendell, 2000; Gauthier & Jong, 2021). The discourse was expanded from mothers to include fathers too (Faircloth, 2014; Ishizuka, 2019), and the aspects of parenting it describes are now labelled as ‘intensive parenting’. Intensive parenting means putting children first, investing a large amount of time, energy and money into guaranteeing their optimal upbringing (Faircloth, 2014; Gauthier et al., 2021; Hays, 1996) and getting ‘good’, that is, happy, healthy and successful children (Liss et al., 2013). With the growing availability of effective contraceptives, the decision to have children has been perceived increasingly as an individual’s willing acceptance of these parental responsibilities (Hartas, 2014; Kaufmann, 1990). Therefore, parents today are held responsible for the outcomes in terms of the socialisation of their children and their children’s success in later life (Lee, 2014) without any guarantee of adequate societal support (Schneider, 2002). The underlying idea of parental determinism puts parents under enormous pressure (Furedi, 2002; Gauthier & Jong, 2021; Lee, 2014). Existing studies of intensive parenting discuss mostly the consequences of this development on parents’ well-being (e.g. Forbes et al., 2020; Gimenez-Nadal & Sevilla, 2016; Rizzo et al., 2013) and child development (e.g. Fischer, 2022; Ulferts, 2020).

With a view towards low fertility rates and high childlessness, another thread of discussion has been present in Germany since the 1990s over the question of whether high demands on parents delay or prevent the realisation of fertility desires (Beck & Beck-Gernsheim, 1990; Nave-Herz & Rosemarie, 2012; Schneider, 2010). It is claimed that (potential) parents in Germany are wary of having (more) children because they are afraid of not meeting the perceived high standards of parenting (Quaiser-Pohl 2001; Schneider, 2010); in other words, a perceived social ideal of parenthood may turn family formation into a major challenge and source of stress. However, there is still little empirical evidence supporting these claims. Using a representative panel for the population aged 20–39 years, we explore the prevalence of norms regarding intensive parenting in Germany and compare childless individuals with parents of one and two children to see whether and how parenting norms vary by parity. We also ask whether individuals’ perceptions have any influence on a first or subsequent birth.

In the next section, we specify expectations about parenting, from which we derive research questions and expectations. We then present our data and analytical strategy. This is followed by an exploration of intensive parenting norms for Germany, a comparison between parities and finally an analysis of the impact of these norms on a first or subsequent birth.

Parenthood Norms

Parenthood norms comprise expectations about how children should be brought up in a society and which roles mothers and fathers should fulfil in this process. Reflecting and expanding on the work of Hays (1996), we provide an overview of these norms here and combine them into a cultural role model of parenthood. In so doing, we refer to the ‘Leitbild’ concept which can best be translated as a concept of cultural role models or concept of guiding conceptions (Lück et al. 2017). It set out in theoretical terms the multiple normative and social demands forming an individuals’ idea of what to expect and how to act in a certain position or role. Building on existing approaches, such as cultural scripts, the concept describes cultural role models as sets of collectively shared conceptions and images of a ‘normal’ status or process that is widespread, socially expected and/or personally desired (Giesel, 2007: 245). The concept assumes that the impact of cultural role models on individual behaviour is similar to that of values or norms (Lück et al., 2017, p. 72). Based on this understanding, cultural role models influence behaviour in three different ways: as internalised values influencing the actor’s own motivation; as non-reflective adherence to social routines or practices and as conforming to social expectations. In our case, the cultural role model refers to how parents should fulfil their role in raising their children. This ranges from the way in which they should prepare for parenthood to how much time they should spend with their children and how they should use this time. In developing this model, we closely follow Hays’s (1996) intensive mothering approach which is defined as ‘child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour intensive and financially expensive’ (p. 8). However, unlike Hays, we extend the model to include fathers because the expectations on their parental engagement are likewise growing (Wall & Arnold, 2007). We also include preconditions for parenthood as these already form part of the demands on parents and therefore contribute to a comprehensive cultural role model of parenthood.

Below, we describe individual components of this model which can be found in the literature. Normally, these are not examined in the context of a comprehensive model but as individual aspects instead. In this contribution, the components will be integrated into a comprehensive model at a later stage. People usually have specific perceptions about the circumstances under which they want to become parents or have another child. These ideas are shaped by cultural factors and influence the framework in which family life unfolds (Mönkediek & Bras, 2018). They relate to favourable conditions for child rearing that should be in place before a child is born (Dorbritz & Ruckdeschel, 2015) and can be considered as part of a wider understanding of intensive parenting which is normally focused on the time after children are born (Eckert, 2014). A stable partnership is one main precondition, as it provides a reliable environment for raising children (Bodin et al., 2021). When children have been either planned or expected, it has long been the case for informal partnerships to transition into marriage in order to provide additional legal protection and, in some cases, access to exclusive public resources (Hobcraft & Kiernan, 1995; Thomson, 2005). This practice is decreasing considerably because of an ongoing legal recognition of cohabiting unions (Sobotka & Toulemon, 2008). In this transition, the meaning of marriage has changed. It can now be regarded as the joint commitment of both parents to provide a stable environment in which their children can grow up (Lundberg et al., 2016; Lundberg & Pollak, 2015, p. 45). Financial security is another important precondition as, in accordance with the norms of intensive parenting, parents are generally expected to support their children regardless of cost (Gauthier & Jong, 2021; Hays, 1996). To achieve this, job security is a key factor as it provides a solid foundation for the prosperity of a family (Mitchell & Gray, 2007). With increasing female employment, both partners normally pursue job security (Brose, 2008), which in turn means that balancing work and family life becomes more and more important (Kreyenfeld, 2010; Neels & Wood, 2019). This includes using public childcare institutions as well as flexible job arrangements which facilitate the transition to parenthood, especially for women (Marynissen et al., 2020).

Today, however, child rearing requires more than simply providing a safe home and meals. Parents are expected to be ‘ready’ for parenthood and to put aside their own interests for the well-being of their children, both professionally and in terms of their other own needs. They are expected to involve themselves emotionally and invest time in the relationship with their children (Hays, 1996). This can be observed in many western countries in the change in parenting styles which have shifted from authoritarian (Baumrind, 1971) towards authoritative, including a time-consuming ‘culture of negotiation’ (Du Bois-Reymond et al., 1993). Indeed, the time fathers and mothers spend with their children has risen continually in recent decades in western countries (Bianchi, 2000; Gauthier et al., 2004; Altintas and Sullivan, 2017). Other findings indicate that even if there is less time available for children due to dual-earner models, the time that is actually spent with children is more intense and focused (Craig et al., 2014) for mothers as well as for fathers (Dew, 2009). Nevertheless, the intensive parenting expectation that parents should spend as much time as possible fostering their children’s upbringing is perceived as being so demanding that it constantly imparts the feeling that they have not done enough (Milkie et al., 2004).

The application of science to childrearing, which can also be thought of as the professionalisation of parenthood or ‘expert-guided parenting’ (Hays (1996), is another trend of the last few decades. We are witnessing a loss of confidence in parenting practices as parents are made to feel that they are not able to raise their children without expert advice. Parents trust experts, for example, in psychology, paediatrics, pedagogy or medicine (Gauthier & Jong, 2021; Hardyment, 2007; Lee, 2014), more than their own intuition (Ramaekers & Suissa, 2011). Social pressure on parents to become experts in the science of child rearing is especially strong if their children are under the age of three (Ramaekers & Suissa, 2011).

Taken together, these facets contribute to a cultural role model of parenthood that places many demands on parents regarding how they should fulfil their role in raising children. We can summarise this into a set of expectations which are closely modelled on Hays’ (1996) norms of intensive motherhood.

1. Parenthood requires an established, solid financial base as a precondition so that its high cost can be covered, both when becoming parents and later on.

Although the scientific debate about intensive parenting originated in the United States and Great Britain, the ideas can be transferred to Germany where the notion of parents as primary caregivers with primary responsibility for the development of their children remains prevalent (Diabaté, 2015; Walper & Kreyenfeld, 2022). For historical reasons, this is more the case in West Germany than in East Germany where, due to the former socialist regime, these norms have developed differently (Schiefer & Naderi, 2015).

Research Questions and Expectations

The cultural role model outlined above comprises what is expected of parents in a society, that is, what ‘good parents’ should be like. When individuals consider whether they want to have a first or subsequent child, these role models shape their ideas about their lives as parents and they are confronted with the question of whether they are willing and able to fulfil these expectations. When the costs and benefits of having children are considered, these demands are likely to be perceived as costs. If they are deemed to be too high, this could have a negative effect on the decision to have a (further) child (Beck-Gernsheim 1989; Hardyment, 2007). Our expectation is that the respective dimensions, for example, expert knowledge, finances or partnership stability, will not have the same importance for each individual, depending on factors such as parity, age or education. However, the literature does not suggest how each dimension for family formation and expansion might be weighted. In the remainder of the paper, we therefore explore the weight/impact of each dimension and, in this way, try to gain an initial insight into their relative importance. We expect a negative relationship between perceived demands in each dimension and the probability of having a(nother) child.

More precisely, in this paper we address three research questions regarding intensive parenting. First, we ask whether and to what extent cultural role models of parenthood can be found in Germany. Second, we address the question as to whether there are differences between parities. The experience of parenthood should change the ideas that individuals have about raising children. On the one hand, anticipated problems may not be as big as expected, while on the other, demands may arise which nobody has thought of beforehand. Finally, we ask if the single aspects of the parental role model have an impact on family formation or enlargement.

Data and Methods

Findings

In a first step, we examine the whole 2012 sample to determine norms of intensive parenthood among younger generations in Germany and to report the rates at which respondents agree with the respective statements (see Table 1). The data are weighted to adjust the sample to the German population of the corresponding age group. Please note that the figure is arranged in ascending order to better demonstrate the importance of the single items while the report begins with the conditions required to start a family. Having enough money is considered to be the main prerequisite, with a mean acceptance rate of 1.95; this means that nearly 80% of young Germans (strongly) agree with this statement. Less important, but still noteworthy at 2.23, is the need for a woman to have established a career of her own, which still over half of the respective population considers to be important. This statement can be interpreted as the mother’s contribution to family financial security, but it also reflects the desire for women’s economic independence and a strengthening of their position in a partnership. Marriage, by contrast, is not seen as especially important for family formation (3.28). With regard to everyday life, raising children, with a mean acceptance of 1.76, is seen as a demanding task for which parents have to be prepared and informed. At over 80%, the agreement rate is even higher than that for a secure financial basis and shows a broad acceptance with this statement among respondents. This corresponds to the rejection of the statement that children grow up no matter what, so there’s no need to devote much thought to the issue (3.31 inverted scale). Nearly 90% of respondents (strongly) disagree with it. On the other hand, with an approval of about 2.87, parents are not expected to sacrifice their own needs completely for the sake of their children. In accordance with the support for working mothers (see above ‘A mother needs to have established a career’), the opinion that a young child of about two years of age is best cared for only by the mother is largely rejected (3.24). The attitude towards fathers is slightly different – they are expected to invest more time in their children at the expense time spent at work (2.35).

OPEN IN VIEWER

Table 1.

(Strong) Agreement on Statements About Parental Tasks and Responsibilities in %.

The experience of parenthood can change the attitudes towards these issues, and even among parents, attitudes may vary depending on the number of children they have. Therefore, in the next step, we characterise the parity groups in more depth. We begin by presenting multinomial regression models to compare childless individuals and parents of one child with parents with two children, controlling for age, gender, education and partnership (see Table 2). For our question, it is important in which aspects and in which direction the influencing factors differ, and less in which strength. Therefore, we do not discuss this further in the following section.

OPEN IN VIEWER

Table 2.

Differences Between Individuals With Zero, One and Two Children Regarding Parenthood Attitudes. Multinomial Logistic Regression Model, Relative Risk Ratios and 95% CIs; Reference Group: Parents of Two Children.

	Childless		One child
	RRR		RRR
What conditions need to be fulfilled before a person can even consider having children?
A couple has to be married	1.17	**	1.27	***
They need to have enough money	0.70	***	1.07
The wife needs to have established herself in her career, regardless whether her partner works	0.80	***	0.82	**
Let’s talk about everyday lives of parents and their children
Parents should set aside their own needs completely for the sake of the children	1.08		1.03
Children will grow up no matter what, so it’s not necessary to put a lot of thought into it	0.88		0.92
Parents can do a lot wrong in raising children, so they should become well informed	0.77	***	0.87
Parental roles
For a child between 1 and 3 years old, it’s best to be cared for only by the mother	1.24	**	1.13
Fathers should spend less time at work for the sake of their children	0.83		0.95

For childless persons, in comparison to parents of two children, the idea that a couple has to be married as a precondition for starting a family is less prevalent. Instead, they more often think that family formation requires a solid financial basis, and that the wife should have an independent professional career. Non-parents more often regard parenthood as something that one should be well informed about. As far as mother and father roles are concerned, the expectation that a young child will suffer when it is not cared for only by its mother is less common among non-parents and they more often think that fathers should invest more time in their children. In short, compared with parents of two children, childless individuals place a greater emphasis on parents’ informational duties and the need for a solid financial basis. As far as family life is concerned, they seem to adopt a more modern mindset, that is, marriage is not seen as important, but a wife should be established professionally. They also agree that young children may also be cared for by people other than their mother, and that fathers should spend time with their children instead of working too much.

The attitudes of parents with one child are between those of the other two parity groups. Unlike childless persons, they consider money less important for starting a family, and therein resemble two-child parents (see Table A1). The remaining items point in the same direction as those for non-parents, that is they share the view held by non-parents when compared with parents of two children. Although this seems to indicate that one-child parents are similar to non-parents, the differences to parents of parity two are often not significant. The only statistically significant differences are the negation of the importance of marriage and the support of an independent career for mothers. In this aspect, one-child parents resemble non-parents. In the remaining statements, parents of one child are between non-parents and two-child parents, insofar as they show the same sign as non-parents, but do not differ sufficiently from two-child parents to be classified as different. This means that they resemble parents of two children in supporting the opinion that mothers should be responsible for the care of young children and that fathers should not have to cut back on their work for the sake of their children. Finally, the perceived need for expert advice is also less important to them.

In the third part of our analysis, we investigate the impact of these role models on a transition to a first or subsequent birth. For this, we work with the balanced panel and, after further reduction because of pregnancies and missing values we keep 1638 respondents with zero, one or two children in the sample. Having two time points in the analysis, once again we use logistic regression models as the most appropriate method to compare the group that experienced a birth between the two dates with the group that did not for each parity. We want to compare the results across the different parities and therefore they are expressed as Average Marginal Effects. They indicate the average change in the predicted probability of getting a first or further child in the next four years per unit increase in the independent variables. The first impression across all models is that the impact of our parenthood items is very small (see Figures 1–3). This means that more important factors determine the occurrence of a birth. Keeping this in mind, we will nevertheless examine the items where the groups with or without a (further) birth significantly differ from each other. Here, the main finding is that, in accordance with our expectations, we ascertain only positive effects for the three respective parities – apart from control variables which are shown in the full model in the appendix (Table A3). With the items being coded from 1 (‘very important’) to 4 (‘not important at all’), a positive value indicates that the more important an attitude is in the eyes of the individual, the lower the predicted probability that a birth occurred between the two waves of the panel. Our findings above indicated that childless individuals have strong opinions on the requirements of parenthood, but these factors seem to have no effect on the transition to parenthood. A small impact is only found for the attitude that fathers should spend less time at work in favour of time with their children. The positive effect indicates that the attitude can indeed be regarded as an obstacle, that is, the more important it is perceived, the less likely a first birth becomes. For parities one and two, money seems to be a central factor in the decision to increase the size of a family. The greater the importance attached to financial resources, the lower the probability of having a second or third child. This applies to parents of one as well as two children. We find a second significant item which only applies to mothers and fathers of parity two: where they disagree with the statement that parents should sacrifice their own needs completely for the sake of their children, the likelihood of having a third child increases.OPEN IN VIEWER

OPEN IN VIEWER

Figure 2.

Average marginal effects of parenthood norms in 2012 on a second birth between 2012 and 2016. Reference group: no birth occured. Adjusted for age, sex and education; full model see Table A3.

OPEN IN VIEWER

Figure 3.

Average marginal effects of parenthood norms in 2012 on a third birth between 2012 and 2016. Reference group: no birth occured. Adjusted for age, sex and education; full model see Table A3.

In line with our expectations, we do indeed find a negative relationship between the individually perceived demands of parenthood and the probability of having a child in the next four years. However, the statistical impact is weak, and this holds true only for a few demands that differ between the parities. While the demands on fathers seem to have a very small negative impact on childless individuals, it is financial concerns for parents of one and two children and, additionally, the demand for child-centredness for parents of two children.

Conclusion and Discussion

This study set out to examine whether a role model of parenting similar to Hays’ model of intensive mothering (Hays, 1996) is present in Germany and what its components are. Within the age category of those people deciding to start or extend a family, we found a broad consensus on the opinion that parenting is a challenging task that requires preparation along several dimensions. Parents have to provide a solid environment in which to start a family, they should be well informed about how to raise children and be ready to get involved in anything that concerns their children. The expectation with regard to mothers’ and fathers’ roles is non-traditional; mothers should have an independent career while fathers should spend more time with their family. Our results allow for an initial assessment of the importance of the different dimensions. We found the need to become well informed as a parent to be at the core of a parenting model, with high general approval in the population. The increasing prevalence of intensive parenting norms in society was also evident for the United States. While Lareau (2003, 2002) found the highly engaged parenting style she called ‘concerted cultivation’ to be a phenomenon of the social middle class – as opposed to ‘natural growth’ – it now seems to be generally accepted (Ishizuka, 2019). Nearly as important and as widely accepted is the argument that family formation requires solid financial resources which is, in turn, strongly related to the engagement in promoting one’s children’s development. Other aspects of parenting were less important for the cultural role model. Marriage, which was taken as a proxy for partnership stability, is far from being accepted as an essential prerequisite for parenthood. Equally, parents are not expected to give up their own interests and needs completely for the sake of their children. The low approval for the primacy of children’s well-being over that of their parents seems to be particular for Germany (Ivan et al., 2015). In West Germany especially, the subjectively perceived costs of having children are high, due to persistent difficulties in reconciling family and work life. For a long time, at least for women, having children meant giving up a professional career, thus making parenthood a major concession that not everybody was willing to make (p. 1997). While it has become easier to balance professional and family life in recent years, there seems to be no change in the willingness to arrange one’s life completely around a child’s needs.

A comparison between non-parents and parents of one and two children reveals that the general model is dominated by the view of non-parents. The core items of the role model are those that distinguish best between the groups with and without children, namely finances. Childless individuals have an especially pronounced perception of the obligations of parenthood, which seem to them to be very demanding. At least in part, this may be due to their lack of practical parenting experience. Although the comparison of the different parities is cross-sectional and therefore has to be interpreted cautiously, our results indicate that parenthood changes the perception of parenting norms. Childless individuals opt for non-maternal care of younger children and support an independent career for mothers and reduced working hours of fathers. The fact that parenthood has a traditionalising effect on gender roles is generally known (e.g. Endendijk et al., 2018; Liss et al., 2013), and our results appear to suggest this, too, although we must be wary of attributing false causality. Parents of both parities opt for a mother to care for young children and for fathers to provide family income and not to cut back on working hours. However, like childless individuals, parents of a single child support an independent career for mothers and negate the importance of marriage which is in contrast to parents of two children. This may be a result of their everyday experience, which proves that meeting these expectations is possible with only one child. Parenthood also seems to change norms concerning expectations towards parenting practice as, unsurprisingly, parents more often than non-parents believe that they can manage without expert advice.

However, when it comes to starting a family, these aspects do not have a significant impact. Childless individuals do not seem to be afraid of the related task and changes. Instead, in light of the findings of Mynarska and Rytel (2020), another explanation seems more probable. For Poland, the authors found that in case of positive fertility intentions, the acknowledgement of such requirements can be seen as an anticipation of the tasks of parenthood. Therefore, we could interpret our results as a sort of nest-building or preparation for upcoming tasks. There is only one exception that does have a small impact on family formation, namely the requirements associated with the role of fathers. This item can be interpreted as a rather strong demand on fathers, putting them under the pressure of combining two contradicting goals: providing the financial resources for the family – which is still seen as mainly the father’s task in Germany (Büning, 2016; Fthenakis & Minsel, 2002) – and simultaneously spending more time with the family. The gender norms that continue to prevail in Germany support the male breadwinner culture and result in the fact that, although fathers want to spend more time with their children, they end up working even more than non-fathers (Hofmeister & Baur, 2015; Wanger & Zapf, 2022). However, seen the other way around, this can also be read as part of the nest-building process as those who accept the traditional father role are more likely to start a family.

As for the relevance of these factors for parents who want to have another child, it is once again the case that most of them are insignificant, with the exception of finances. While other challenges may already have been mastered with the birth of the first child or have been put into perspective, the costs of children remain and increase with each child. Interestingly, we find a second factor which seems to play a role for the transition from the second to the third child, a transition which is getting increasingly rare (Bujard & Sulak, 2016): child-centredness. Parents who did not support the idea of putting children first were much more likely to have a third child, which may be an indication supporting our hypothesis that parenting norms may prevent further births. Having a higher number of children in Germany seems to be connected to a different understanding of the balance between parent’s and children’s needs.

To conclude, there are existing norms of intensive parenting in Germany which find broad support among the younger population and create a cultural role model of parenthood which indicates how to act and what to expect from being a parent. With regard to the often-hypothesised impact of those norms as preventing family formation and enlargement, we found indications that this may be true for some dimensions, although the effect is very small and differs by parity. Set against other factors impacting family formation and enlargement, parenting norms seem to play only a minor role and are far from being pivotal. Our results suggest that for family formation, they may be viewed from a totally different angle, which we called nest-building. As regards family enlargement, the financial aspect plays a major role as a hindrance. Finally, the step from the second to the third child can be interpreted as being harder when child-centredness – a main aspect of intensive parenting – features prominently in the values espoused by an individual.

This study can only be an initial attempt to prove empirically the hypothesis that intensive parenting norms may prevent family formation and enlargement. There are strong empirical limitations, most notably the case numbers and the selectivity in the panel which prevent more in-depth analyses. Moreover, we only have two points in time, which are also relatively far apart, which means that only cautious arguments can be made for causal interpretation.