Abstract
In a way, boarding children never fully come home from school. Going to boarding school for the first time is like crossing a threshold. When someone crosses a symbolic but real threshold the person who walks over never comes back the same. It is like an initiation, but one that the child has not chosen and is still too young and unprepared for. (p. 33).
Re-membering in the sense of restoring what has been amputated – the emotional limb, as it were. (Origin Middle English, from Latin membrum meaning ‘limb’). (p. 78).
The aim and ambition of this valuable book although not focussed specifically on able children and adults will indicate to the reader how many parallels exist between the psychotherapeutic needs of the boarder, as an adult and child and the gifted chid – adult. The issues of isolation, rejection, anxiety and uncertainty all accompany the lives of what might be described as the excluded able child. The trauma of separation from family and familiarity experienced by the boarder and their subsequent coping strategies will be immediately recognised by those working with and supporting the able child. Socially, it can be very lonely and confusing to be very intelligent both as a child and as an adult for whom many trauma issues remain mental health issues. In addition to an exploration of the challenge faced by children sent to boarding school, the authors have provided a rich collection of activities that the child, adult and psychotherapist can use in their conversations with traumatised learners. The reader working with able children and able adults will immediately see the value of the exercises and the approaching and helping philosophy of this book.
The book is divided into three main sections:
Part 1 is largely concerned with introducing some complex and challenging ideas as they relate to the effects on young lives of boarding schools. For those of us familiar with gifted children, there are many parallels to be seen. It has been said that human beings can endure almost anything as long as they are able to tell their stories afterwards. (p. 36) Eventually, because they cannot find an ear to hear their story from their own perspective, boarding children give up on ever being listened to: They don’t want to tell their parents that they are unhappy for fear of disappointing them. They can hardly speak to the school authorities, who don’t want to know about unhappy children because it is bad for business. They dare not share their vulnerability in the peer group because there would be too much shaming and bullying. Boarders can therefore end up being ‘lost for words’. (Joy Schaverien, 2011: 36)
As the writers develop their ideas, section 2 looks closely at the concepts of ‘Remembering’, ‘Adapting’, ‘Trauma’ and ‘Sex: puberty, gender and abuse’. To recognise their own wounding, self-betrayal and survival, ex-boarder clients must learn to emphasise with the child who had to self-reinvent, while accepting that behaviour patterns learned then have not been helpful to the adult. Often therapists have to show the way here, so that clients can learn this new skill, unlikely to have been picked up at the side of earlier attachment figures. (p. 86). Working therapeutically with ex-boarders is not easy, it takes time and a lot of patience, but the rewards are great. The authors sincerely wish good luck to those undertaking the task. Maybe – just maybe one day the British themselves will kick the habit of traumatising their young children through early boarding. (p.189)
What does this book do to inform our greater understanding of the therapeutic needs of the able, the gifted, the excelling perfectionist when it is all about the experience of children sent to boarding school is a good question?
I would suggest you read this book and I can assure you that your work with able children and able adults will be enriched. Whenever you read the word ‘boarder’ replace it with the word ‘able’ and you will be presented with stimulating discussion and insight into the needs of the able person with regard to both accepting their high intelligence and the psychological portrait-personality they have developed to deal with a world often suspicious and hostile to high ability. Additionally, this book points the way to further research into the trauma of being intelligent in a world less than sensitive to clever children characterising them in often unhelpful ways. This book is a fascinating read in its own right and additionally to promote a thoughtful response to the therapeutic needs of both the young able child and the child – adult coping with high ability. Exercise 11: What children need Ask your client to come up with a list of things that children need in order to have a happy and secure life. Below are some examples, taken from a workshop exercise. Of what might come up in this exercise: Safety; validation; love; play; recognition; food; fresh air; cuddles; exercise; education; mum; dad; compassion; nurture; boundaries; acceptance; fun; protection; role models; family; support; friends; care; encouragement; privacy. (p. 172)
