Honoring the precious uniqueness of your gifted child

Childhood is a small slice of the pie

Once upon a time, when the world was young, parents had only one goal for their children: survival. It was quite a feat for a child to reach maturity. Many did not and neither did many of their parents. Over time, survival became the norm, and humanity’s lifespan gradually increased. As the lifespan expanded, the role of parenting evolved. Instead of teaching children how to survive, parents had the responsibility of teaching their children how to be happy, productive members of society. The complexity of this responsibility has increased in every generation. Perfectionistic gifted parents can become overwrought with the burden of doing it right, trying to avoid all the minefields.

As parents, we unconsciously recreate the same kind of family dynamics we grew up with. We become our parents, just as they became their parents. Some of the words that come out of our mouths, our facial expressions, our body language, our attitudes and beliefs about ourselves and our children, can be traced back to our great, great, great grandparents and their ancestors! The prescriptions for parenting that have been handed down to us from generation to generation may not fit life in the 21st century.

The lengthening of the lifespan has dramatically changed our roles as parents. My parents lived to be 94 and 98. My sister, the eldest, lived in the same apartment house and took care of them in their later years. Their parent–child relationship lasted over 70 years—unimaginable generations ago. My sister was responsible for our parents’ welfare longer than they were responsible for hers! That’s a mind bender.

If you can look beyond the roles of parent and child, you can begin to appreciate that this presence you have brought into your life is a lifelong companion, friend, and fellow traveler on this journey called Life. Look deeply into your child’s eyes and you will see a unique individual with special gifts to bring you. Even your child’s challenges are gifts to assist your own growth. If you have more than one child, you know how unique each child is. This journey you are on together will hopefully last many decades, and, in the end, the roles will be reversed; they will parent you.

The relationship you develop with your child must be robust enough to survive throughout your entire life. It must have the strength and flexibility to transform as developmental changes transform your roles. You are modeling right now how you want to be treated when it is their turn to take care of you. A sobering thought. Do you want them to consult you about decisions that affect you? Do you want them to take you seriously? Do you want them to honor your independence? Then you need to honor your children the way you would like them to honor you. You can demand that your children be responsible and respectful, but you cannot demand love and genuine caring. These can only be given freely by children who have received your love. They can care for you out of duty or because they love you.

Childhood is but a fragment of a person’s life, a fragment that is becoming smaller and smaller as the lifespan increases. In today’s world, the largest portion of your relationship with your children is likely to be when they are grown. When your children become adults, what kind of relationship do you want with them? How would you like your adult children to feel about you? If you can carve out the time, these would be good questions to ponder through journaling. Eventually, you might even share your journal with your children.

Relationships with adult children

In 2000, I spoke to a group of gifted parents in Columbia, Missouri, and asked them to write down what they hoped their relationship with their children would be like during their adult years. This is what they shared:

Communication

Then I asked them to respond to the question, “What do I need to do now to create that kind of relationship with my growing children?” I anticipated that the goals and the means to achieve them would be different. However, when I looked at their list of goals, I realized that the goals and the process of achieving them were identical. If you have open communication in your family, your children will enjoy communicating with you when they are adults. Respect, honesty, unconditional love, trust, friendship, mutual appreciation, all improve with age.

I came up with my own set of principles that can foster lifelong loving relationships between parents and children (Silverman, 2002). There is considerable similarity between my thoughts and the list brainstormed by the group of gifted parents. These recommendations are not limited to parenting the gifted; however, they were derived from concerns I have heard expressed by parents of the gifted over the last six decades.

How to raise gifted children lovingly

We are each born with an indelible right to be treated as individuals. Fitting in may be important, but not at the expense of the individuality of the Self. Gifted children suffer when their differences go unrecognized. Multitudes of gifted children camouflage who they really are in order to survive (Colangelo, 2002). Coleman (2012) found that invisibility is the most frequent strategy gifted youth use for blending in with classmates. Pretending to be someone you are not can lead to self-alienation (Silverman, 2013). Home needs to be a safe place for gifted children to take off their masks and be their authentic selves.

In 2018, Tina Harlow asked 26 experts, including me, “What one thing can parents do now to help their gifted child thrive in the future?” She published the interviews in the free e-book, Helping Gifted Kids Thrive (Harlow, 2018), available at https://guidingbright.lpages.co/expertebook. Anne Beneventi (2018) addressed the topic, “Seeing their Uniqueness” (p. 10).

The one thing parents can do is support who their child is rather than what their child achieves.…

It is important to create opportunities for children without expectations. Praise them for their qualities that have nothing to do with achievement, such as kindness, empathy and bravery. Tell them you are glad there are people like them in the world.…

Everyone longs to be known for their genuine and authentic self. When children abandon their true selves, they then also abandon the idea that they have something of value to give. They acquiesce to fit in. They construct a false self. When this happens, we lose their contribution, brilliance and individuality.…

If we teach children to trust their unique voice, it will benefit them throughout their lives. (pp. 11–12)

Self-acceptance is hard won in our world. Children whose parents accept them are more likely to gain self-confidence and tackle difficult challenges than children whose parents are constantly trying to improve them. If you were the product of upbringing that focused on your flaws, it is harder for you to consciously change that family pattern. Your first job is to learn to accept yourself; then you can pass on that gift to your children. Your instinctive reactions have been programmed by generations of ancestors who did not have courses in parenting. Some cultures fear that complimenting children will give them “swelled heads.” It can be a challenge to go against your programming to parent in a different manner. But the effort is extremely rewarding, generating trust and family harmony.

Children are not clay to be molded. That is an “I-It” relationship, rather than an “I-Thou” relationship (Buber, [1937] 1958). The notion that we are responsible for molding children to fit our ideals of perfection is a remnant of past generations. It does not serve our goal of creating lasting loving relationships with our children. Annemarie Roeper (1995) believed that children come into this world with their own agendas. Our work is to discover those agendas and help them fulfill their own unique purposes. Do not compare them with others. Expect them to do things differently. Gifted children are not predictable. Delight in the ways they surprise you.

I answered Tina’s question about what can help gifted children thrive with one word: Respect (Silverman, 2018b). Children learn to respect by being respected. Your great, great, great grandmother was taught that children should respect their elders, not the other way around. Gifted children believe all people deserve respect. In my presentations, I invite parents to imagine that they are asking their mother-in-law to get off the phone (Silverman, 2002). I ask them to picture it as if they were watching a movie, to pay attention to their choice of words, tone of voice, facial expression, body language and wait time. Then I ask them to imagine they are asking their child to get off the phone. Is there a difference? Gifted children object to this difference; they call it ageism.

You are not “just a parent.” You are a unique human being with experiences, passions, hopes, dreams, needs, etc. Let your children see who you are. They are more likely to want to be with you if you haven’t sacrificed your dreams to your role as parent. If you like yourself, you are a good role model for their liking themselves. If you follow your passions, they are more likely to follow theirs. Teach them to be responsive to your needs. “I know you aren’t tired, but I need you to go to your room and entertain yourself for the rest of the evening so that I can…(read, have some time for myself, work on my novel, rest, recuperate so I’m not a grouch tomorrow, be with your Dad, answer my email, chill, etc.). Do this for me.” You will be surprised that your gifted child is more willing to go to bed for your sake!

Terry Bradley (2018) responded to Tina’s question about the one thing parents can do to help their gifted children thrive with the advice to “Communicate Feelings” (p. 13). To open the lines of communication, Terry recommended that parents be role models in sharing their feelings.

It’s also important to share some of YOUR feelings with your child. Children need to know that we all have ups and downs in our days. We all have stress. It’s what you do about it that really matters. You can let some things go, but other things need to be faced and dealt with. This helps them to know that talking about feelings is a helpful thing. (pp. 14–15)

Gifted children are perceptive (Lovecky, 1986). They know when their parents are troubled, and if those troubles are not discussed with them, they often blame themselves. In a beautiful essay, “Truth and the Young Child,” Annemarie Roeper wrote:

The result…is almost a conspiracy of silence which is reciprocated by children. It is as though a mutual agreement exists that certain things, even though obvious to all, simply have not occurred. This means that we may believe we have succeeded in keeping certain realities from children, while in actuality, they have successfully kept their concerns from us. The consequence is that they are forced to deal with difficult problems by themselves and are left to face questions without help, for which they are neither emotionally nor intellectually equipped. (Roeper, 1995: 5)

No healing takes place when a child offers an empty apology. Making children say they’re sorry when they aren’t teaches them to be inauthentic; gifted children hate being inauthentic. If your child breaks a toy that belongs to someone else, what can be done to repair the damage—not just to the toy but also the relationship? This is a more fruitful discussion to have. Children also learn more about heartfelt apologies and willingness to change when their parents model these behaviors and apologize to them. This can be particularly difficult to do if your parents never apologized to you. It gets easier after you have practiced a few times.

Giftedness is not always recognized. Parents need to become their advocates, even at the cost of being called “pushy parents.” Gifted children are more likely to get their needs met in school if their parents advocate for them (Gilman, 2020). The first step in advocacy is assessment so that you and your children are taken seriously. Schools respond to data. It sometimes surprises parents to learn that children who talk early, build early, read early, and solve problems early earn high IQ scores. IQ tests actually support parents’ observations (Robinson, 2008).

We have evidence from several longitudinal studies of young children…These findings confirm the accuracy of parental descriptions of their children’s behavior. They tell us to trust parents who think that their children’s behavior is advanced—whether or not we have seen that behavior at school. But, the studies also do something else. They confirm that the results of standardized tests are strongly correlated with the children’s actual behavior at home. (italics in original) (Robinson, 2008: 168)

It is important to have your child tested by a specialist in gifted assessment, who is familiar with the new ancillary index scores developed for this population, such as the Verbal Expanded Crystallized Index (Raiford et al., 2015) and the Expanded General Ability Index (Raiford, Courville, Peters et al., 2019). Uninformed examiners may not administer the supplementary subtests needed to calculate these expanded scores or be aware of the extended norms for highly gifted children (Raiford, Silverman, Gilman et al., 2019). New research on the WISC-V with gifted populations has led to guidelines for their assessment (Silverman and Gilman, in press), including the abandonment of Full Scale IQ scores (Silverman, 2018a). Alternatively, Gifted Qualitative Assessment, a child-centered approach, has a proven track record for selecting appropriate students for a school for the gifted (Beneventi et al., in press; Silverman, 2018a).

Expose your children to a wide variety of activities. When they show interest in an area, provide encouragement, materials, professional instructions, good questions, suggestions, ideas to explore to carry the interest further, role models to interact with, or just listen with appreciation so that they can share the excitement of discovery. Share your own passions with your children. Your enthusiasm will be contagious. They may have inherited your love of music or sports or cooking or storytelling or building. Shared passions enhance family cohesiveness throughout the lifespan.

One of the most extensive studies demonstrating the importance of parental support was The Development of Talent Research Project conducted by Benjamin Bloom and his associates (Bloom, 1985). The study was focused on the development of 120 individuals who had achieved excellence in artistic, psychomotor and cognitive fields before the age of 35. Their families tended to be child-centered and responsive to their children’s interests.

To enter a child’s world requires the ability to play. You have to put aside all the “important” things you think you have to do and become totally present with the child. Nothing is more important than the child, the moment you are sharing, and the pure joy of being together. Another contributor to Tina’s book, Michele Kane (2018), shared, “Be present” (p. 47). She encouraged parents to set aside their own agenda, as she had learned from Annemarie Roeper, and “truly be with their child” (p. 48).

Quiet your own thinking. Quiet your own emotions. Be an active listener so that the child is directing the conversation. Be so quietly observant that you are noticing body language. You are noticing what is not being said as much as what is being said.…

When I was a child, my mother would say, “Children, come quickly!” We would go rushing to see what was happening. My mother would sit there with her arms out and say, “Look at this sunset! Isn’t it the most glorious manifestation you’ve ever witnessed?” I can hear her in my mind. We need to invite our children to be present with us. It is a gift of quietude. Presence is an antidote to “busyness.” (pp. 48–49)

Gifted children strongly resist being controlled. Most like to be in control. So do their parents. This can lead to power struggles. “Do it because I said so” is completely ineffective. (You already know this.) Reasoning with gifted children works better than setting down arbitrary rules, which they inevitably test. Children should be given choices whenever they are capable of making those choices responsibly. Sharing power enhances cooperation. Children who feel powerless often become manipulative. One way to share power is to have family meetings at which the whole family brainstorms ways of problem-solving around conflict (Silverman, 2002). Regular family meetings should have an element of fun as well, so that children look forward to them. The meetings can include compliments, complaints, and a family activity, such as reading aloud or playing a favorite game.

We live in a new world. Children, especially gifted children, who question everything, frequently experiment with gender identity. Today I am a boy. Tomorrow I am a girl. They have boy names and girl names. A teen who chooses to be non-binary may request to be called “they,” which is a challenge for grammar-bound parents. It is essential to be nonjudgmental and to support whatever direction your child takes. According to Terry Friedrichs (2018), who was also interviewed in Tina’s book, “approximately 30% of gifted kids are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBTQ)” (p. 32).

This concept may be a stretch. We are entrenched in the belief that we do many things wrong—a legacy of our great, great, great grandparents. The deeper you hold that belief, the more “make wrong” energy you will have with your children. You will be more aware of what they do wrong than what they do right, because you are so aware of your own failings. I have found this to be a great source of disharmony in many gifted families. Gifted individuals always want to improve things—especially their children. The disharmony can be healed by changing your perception.

I often ask parents, “How would your life be different if there were no mistakes?” Consider reframing the notion of “mistakes” as “learning experiences” or stepping stones to future accomplishments (Blackburn and Erickson, 1986; Webb et al., 1982). Each blind alley narrows the possibilities and brings the seeker that much closer to the goal. A scientist searching for a cure for cancer is going to face thousands of “failures” before success is reached. Walker (1991) provides this lovely anecdote:

Thomas Edison tried 1,500 different filaments for the light bulb before finding the right one. After the last experiment, an assistant asked, “Well, Mr. Edison, how do you feel about having 1,500 failures to your credit?” Edison replied, “No, they weren’t failures. We now know 1,500 light bulb filaments that don’t work!” (p. 68)

Children do not fail childhood and parents do not fail parenthood. Some paths have outcomes you like better than others. And you can always change direction and try a different path. The nice thing about raising gifted children compared with raising any other exceptional child is that they can tell you when something isn’t working for them. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of parenting.

Sometimes children jabber and we get in the habit of tuning them out. Let them know when you are too busy to give them your full attention. Set aside a time when your mind is free to really listen the way you would to a friend. “I can’t think about that right now because I’m busy making supper. But I promise you that as soon as the dishes are done, I will come and sit with you. I really want to hear what happened.”

Listening is an art form. It means being fully present with nothing else on your mind. You convey interest by the intensity of your gaze, the openness of your body posture, and the slight nod of your head. Listening means not judging or problem-solving or giving advice. Ask questions to gain a greater understanding, to find out how they feel about a situation, and what ideas they might have for solving a problem.

Gifted children are very curious. They often have early concerns about the meaning of life, death, justice, war, sexuality. Be the person they trust to ask these questions. Be their sounding board. Instead of providing answers, ask, “What do you think?” And then listen.

Private times are good to have with each child. Some families have private times each day or arrange opportunities for each child to go out to dinner, a movie, or a sports event alone with a parent (Silverman, 1986). This provides a time for sharing personal feelings and experiences.

Tina’s book, Helping Gifted Kids Thrive: Insights from the Experts (2018), is organized alphabetically. The last interview is with Jim Webb (2018), which was likely his last interview. Jim chose the topic, “Prioritize relationship” (p. 88). “The single most important factor is relationship” (p. 89).

The most powerful way for parents to develop a relationship and to connect with their child is to create a tradition of “special time.” This technique has only three rules. First, the parent sets the time for a brief, designated period of uninterrupted time and gives the child their undivided attention. Second, that time is led by the child doing whatever he or she wants to do. The third rule is that the activity must not be competitive because when there is competition, there are winners and losers. It is not the duration of “special time” that is important, but the frequency. In other words, having 5 minutes of “special time” every day is far more valuable than 5 hours occasionally.…

Sometimes parents will tell me that their child does not want to spend time with them. In this case, the parent can say to the child, “I am here if you want this special time with me.” Then sit for that designated time and don’t do anything. Don’t knit. Don’t read. Don’t check email. The message you are then communicating to your child is this: “You are that important to me. I’m going to suspend everything and be here for you.” The child may ignore you at first, but will often come back and participate. I simply cannot stress enough the importance of this message. (Webb, 2018: 89)

Your children will remember the fun. The fun made them feel loved and treasured. If you aren’t having fun parenting, chances are you’re worried you are doing it wrong. Or that something is wrong with your children. Or both. What if nothing is wrong with you or them? What if Life is just different from the way you expected it to be? Instead of trying to change yourself or your children, maybe you can change your expectations. Accept yourself just as you are. Accept your children just as they are. If you can do this, you will be amazed at the newfound harmony in your family.

One of the most precious blessings of a gifted family is a delicious sense of humor. You can either get angry or you can laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Laughter is a great tension melter. I remind mothers that it takes two to make an argument. When arguing gets you nowhere, try saying, “That’s why I’m the Mommy. When you get to be the Mommy, we’ll do it your way!”

Childhood disappears in the blink of an eye. The relationship you establish with your children through shared activities, playing games, laughing, and just hanging out together, lasts a lifetime. If they had fun with you when they were children, they are more likely to choose to spend time with you when they are adults.

Nothing takes the place of love. It is the essence of what happens between people when we cherish relationship. Joy, gratitude, appreciation, are all aspects of Love. These qualities have no opposites, because they exist outside polarity. In a journal, write down all the qualities you love about your children. Every day spend a few moments contemplating what delighted you about your children today. It is a great antidote to worrying. The more you worry, the more they give you to worry about. The more you appreciate them, the more they give you to appreciate.

If you’ve become the Homework Enforcer, consider what that is doing to your relationship with your children. Does that convey the love you feel? Homework is your children’s responsibility, not yours. Have a family meeting and brainstorm how you can hand that responsibility back to them. Any role or rut you’ve gotten into that feels uncomfortable can be changed. Ask yourself if what you are doing is enhancing the relationship between you and your children or detracting from it. If it is detracting, find another path. If you can’t find one on your own, seek the help of a counselor.

Perhaps the most important principle is to take care of yourself, love yourself, and do what it takes to make your own life enjoyable. If you are so busy trying to be the perfect parent that you don’t take care of your own needs or the needs of your relationship with your significant other, you become a poor role model for your children. Your children will not aspire to become selfless martyrs. Don’t be “too busy” to enjoy your life. When you neglect yourself, everyone suffers. “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When you love yourself and enjoy life, your children will want to spend time with you the rest of their lives. What a joy and comfort it is in your later years to have children who enjoy your company.