To build a home: A phenomenological approach of reconstructing “feeling-at-home” among children living in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms

Abstract

Living in a household with a parent exhibiting depressive symptoms causes major disruptions in family relations, particularly between parent and child, and radically changes family life spaces. In this study, we integrated a place-based approach to interpretative phenomenological analysis to examine the subjective experiences of “feeling-at-home” among children living in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms. Using accounts obtained from photo elicitation interviews with seven participants, four key findings show the experience of “feeling-at-home” as (1) navigating emotional turmoil evoked through black holes and comfort rooms, (2) managing “being together” evoked through walls and dining tables, (3) overcoming fear evoked through terraces and flowers, and (4) seeing hope in what is (left of) home (somewhere). Main discussion highlights the spatial constitution in phenomenological research, children’s agency within volatile and “immovable” households, and changing spaces of emotional scarring.

Keywords

Home families parental depression phenomenology space

Home is a complex and multidimensional concept that constitutes people’s lives as they form emotional bonds with others, most especially with biological family members. However, in families wherein a parent exhibits mental health difficulties (i.e., a depressive disorder), the manifestations of their symptoms pose significant challenges to family life and to the meaning of home, especially for their children (Hedman Ahlström et al., 2009; Van Parys & Rober, 2013). In this context, “feeling-at-home” or one’s emotional attachment to a physical or symbolic place is disrupted. The home, which was once considered as a place of safety, emotional connectedness, and nurturance (Moore, 2000; Windsong, 2010), is changed significantly by the parent’s illness.

As an alternative approach to understanding homelife and family relationships, Seamon’s (2012) phenomenological approach focuses on the embodied and emplaced processes of (re)creating “feeling-at-home.” In particular, we unpack how children living in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms experience and make sense of their parents’ condition as it fundamentally shifts one’s homelife. In the next few subsections, we begin by discussing the personal plight of children whose parents exhibit symptoms of a depressive disorder. We then build on this body of literature by reconceiving “feeling-at-home” from a spatial perspective. Finally, we explain the integration of a spatial lens to conceptually enrich the use of interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA).

Understanding “feeling-at-home” in the family

Central to healthy family relations is a balance of cohesiveness, flexibility, and communication: where the exchange of thoughts and feelings are welcomed, allowing the family to properly respond to the needs of each member and to facilitate emotional bonding (K. M. Smith et al., 2009). However, in families with parental depression, the depressive symptoms of the parent lead to extremely low mood, increased emotional insensitivity, and isolative tendencies (Mechling, 2016). These, in turn, negatively shape social interactions with the parent, making it difficult to maintain a healthy parent–child relationship (Mechling, 2016; Ponnet et al., 2013). With the parent’s need for isolation and the difficulties of interaction, the children may feel excluded in the family and are forced to make sense of their changing relationship with the affected parent (Hedman Ahlström et al., 2011; Murphy et al., 2011).

Closely linked to the change in family relationships, the children’s previous feelings of rootedness and security toward the home may also be compromised (Windsong, 2010).

They experience confusion and a sense of loss at home as their parent becomes emotionally and physically distant or unavailable altogether (Murphy et al., 2011). Since depression is often linked to suicide, some children may live in fear of the possibility of parental suicide and tread cautiously around their parents so as not to cause any unwanted distress (Simpson-Adkins & Daiches, 2018). Because of the unpredictability of their parent’s emotional state and their constantly shifting behavior, these children must remain vigilant and adapt to their parent’s condition, which adds to the stress of living in an already volatile home environment (Dam & Hall, 2016).

However, this emotionally charged atmosphere of the home is embodied, facilitated by, and manifested through the material affordances of the physical household itself, such as the available space, rooms, or objects (Saunders & Williams, 1988; Van Steenwinkel et al., 2012). Hornecker (2006) suggests the power of space and material objects in shaping group behavior or social interactions. These behaviors are dependent on the arrangement of rooms, availability of materials, interior design, and the size of interaction space (Hornecker, 2005). Furthermore, the structural qualities of home environments can also contextualize the symbolic meanings that become attached to home (e.g., Clapham, 2011), including personal and shared spaces, where “feeling-at-home” is experienced and bears (multiple) meanings.

Implicit in the foregoing literature, “feeling-at-home” in space is both concretely experienced (i.e., objective dimension) through its physical qualities and the collective arrangement of objects within the physical household (e.g., Norberg-Schulz, 1980) and embedded in the social relationships (i.e., subjective dimension) within the family unit (S. G. Smith, 1994). Consistent with this view, we posit that evoked emotions and what they symbolize vis-à-vis one’s home are also not fixed but changing and flowing between people and objects (e.g., Pile, 2010) in physically defined material spaces (Anderson & Smith, 2001; Davidson & Milligan, 2004). In this study, we reframe (the use of) space using a holistic lens of phenomenology, wherein the subjective experiences of “feeling-at-home” are reconstituted as both material and symbolic in light of familial disruptions.

Phenomenological approach to “feeling-at-home”

We integrated a place-based approach to IPA to examine the subjective experiences of “feeling-at-home” among children living in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms (Seamon, 2012; J. A. Smith & Osborn, 2004). The in-depth study of “lifeworlds” has been a valuable lens of inquiry in the understanding of psychosocial phenomena (J. A. Smith & Eatough, 2019), especially in layered and polysemous systems such as the family. New developments in IPA design have used multiperspectival approaches to flesh out the complexity of systemic experiential phenomena (e.g., Larkin et al., 2018), whereas multimodal approaches (e.g., visual and verbal) have also been used to explore the complexity of social relationships (e.g., Boden et al., 2019). Expressing the “textured” nature of lived experience by using diverse approaches has always been critical to the study of phenomenology (Boden et al., 2019).

A spatially focused interpretative work to phenomenology provides an additional layer of experiential and hermeneutical analyses, wherein the emotional experiences of these children are grounded in and evoked through the multiple spaces of the household. In particular, “feeling-at-home” arises from the dialectical interactions between the family members and the physical space of the household. How spaces are used in the household by family members is captured by place creation, whereas the emotional consequences of physical spaces on family life are captured by place intensification. Moreover, due to the disruptions caused by parental depression, these children may seek to make lasting changes to the physical household to reestablish a semblance of what home used to be, which is represented by place realization. As such, we asked, “what are the spatial experiences of ‘feeling-at-home’ of children living in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms and how is ‘feeling-at-home’ reconstructed from a place-based framework to phenomenology?”

Method

We used a qualitative approach to examine the spatial experiences of “feeling-at-home” of children living with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms. A qualitative research approach was best suited for this study due to its ability to capture the diverse meanings of home and to express the complexity of family relationships, especially in difficult contexts such as parental depression (Ganong & Coleman, 2014). In the Filipino culture where seeking mental health services is highly stigmatized (Tuliao, 2014), psychological difficulties experienced especially by parents or heads of households are considered taboo and shameful to talk about. In this specific cultural context, children are also often expected to understand parental misgivings as a sign of respect within a traditional hierarchical parent–child relationship (Yusay & Canoy, 2019). Reflexively, the researchers use the term “children” to connote the Filipino translated term “anak” which may mean offspring, a parental term of endearment, or a colloquial word used by older people to address younger people which is not necessarily based on chronological age.

Participants

A total of seven participants were recruited via formal (e.g., support groups, organizations) and informal channels (e.g., personal contacts, web postings) for this study. There were six females and one male, whose ages ranged from 19 to 33 years. A small sample is typical in IPA studies because of its commitment to idiographic accounts or particular cases (Eatough & Smith, 2017). Furthermore, clinical diagnosis for the parent was not required for participation, as it is an uncommon practice to secure a formal diagnosis in the Philippines (Lally et al., 2019). Hence, the sampling was limited to adults who had at least one parent who currently/previously met the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition, criteria for a depressive disorder (e.g., major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder) within a period of at least 1 year, based on the child’s observations. Participants must have also lived with the affected parent for at least 1 year while the symptoms were manifesting. Lastly, participants who were diagnosed with mental health conditions were also excluded from the study to avoid triggering emotional harm in recollecting memories.

Data collection procedure

Keeping in mind the sensitivity of the subject matter, our interview questions were phrased as discussion points, and probing questions were gauged according to the emotional state of the participant (Guillemin & Gillam, 2004). The final set of guide questions focused on (1) how spaces and objects in the household were used, (2) the emotional content of these spaces and objects, and (3) the meaning of home across time. Prior to the interviews, we ensured that the participants understood what was written on the informed consent form. To preserve anonymity and confidentiality, we made use of code names to label all gathered data (i.e., interview recordings, interview transcripts, photos) and stored them in password-encrypted computers that were only accessible to the researchers. All interviews were recorded with the permission of the participants and were later transcribed in verbatim.

Data collection included multiple sessions with each participant, with intervals of a week or more for each session depending on time availability and the completion of tasks. The first session was called the orientation session and the succeeding sessions were called follow-up interviews. The orientation session focused on gaining an overall understanding of the participant’s situation at home and building necessary rapport. At the end of the session, the task for the second session was explained. They were given the following instructions: “Take 8–10 pictures of spaces or objects within your house or property which you have found meaningful to you as you live with your father/mother (depending on the participant), ‘meaningful,’ in this case, may either be positive or negative.” However, in the writing of the results, collected photos were opted not to be presented because of privacy and confidentiality issues of posting intimate spaces of family life (e.g., consent from parents was not sought).

Participants were then given 3 days to send their photos to the researchers. During the follow-up interviews, a photo elicitation method enabled us to understand their homelife using photos of spaces and objects as visual probes (Collier, 1957). For example, participants were asked to categorize their photos with the following instructions: “Which of these photos remind you of what ‘home’ (1) used to be, (2) should not be, (3) currently is, and (4) should be, ideally.” Although all participants candidly answered the questions following their categorization, we nonetheless gave them the choice to refuse to answer any question during the interview process. It was explained that the photos would only be used for discussion during the interviews and would not be published or presented to the public in any manner.

Data analysis procedure

We used insights from Seamon’s place-based framework (2012) to enrich the application of IPA. The first stage of our analysis was an immersion into the data, which required iterative reading of the transcripts of each participant. Due to the complex and layered nature of space, we identified metaphors or spatial material markers (e.g., dining table, bedroom, TV) to “transform the conventional representation, unpack new meanings,[and] open up the situation” (Kirmayer, 1992, p. 335). For each participant, we highlighted spatial material markers and its empirically linked emotional markers (e.g., frustration, fear, happiness) in the data. Across transcripts, spaces and objects that had concordant meanings were categorized into overarching metaphors (i.e., superordinate themes), which reveal integral parts of the participants’ lifeworlds (Ricoeur, 1978). Lastly, we organized these metaphors into a coherent, albeit individually distinct, phenomenological account of the participants’ emotional experiences at home.

Following the wealth of studies that used IPA in health-related research (e.g., Biggerstaff & Thompson, 2008; Brocki & Wearden, 2006), the final selection of themes was based on vivid and idiographic accounts of each participant. The descriptive nature of the thematic labels is a product of the double hermeneutic process of “staying close” to the data (e.g., Shinebourne, 2011), as well as fleshing out the material and emplaced aspects of Seamon’s framework (2012). Hence, the presentation below is not meant to assume common themes across participants or to generalize insights from other contexts, but rather are illustrative exemplars of emplaced experiences of living with a parent exhibiting depressive symptoms. To further enhance the validity of our findings, rich and thick descriptions were written in order to present the lived experiences of our participants and to help the readers situate themselves within the context of our participants (Creswell & Miller, 2000). Throughout the research process, the first three authors were in consultation with the last author, their research adviser.

Results

In the following subsection, we present exemplar accounts to show how parental depression shapes family relations and how emotional experiences can be “contained” in and through space. These narratives show the emotional challenges of living in a household with a parent exhibiting depressive symptoms and illustrate the ways our participants are able to navigate through these challenges.

Navigating emotional turmoil evoked through black holes and comfort rooms

The onset of the parent’s depressive symptoms forces the family into uncharted territory, wherein notions of home are radically changed, especially for the child. The parent they knew prior to the onset is replaced with a familiar yet unrecognizable parent who embodies the character of a “black hole.” When talking about her relationship with her father during the early years of his depressive condition, Nessa gave the following description:
It was like he was there physically, but he wasn’t really there emotionally like for such a long time because…it was like he was a black hole. (Nessa)
This shows the paradox of the parent being physically present, yet emotionally absent. This emotional absence can manifest as insensitivity toward other family members’ feelings, which usually triggers negative emotions in the family. However, in order to manage living with a “black hole,” our participants seek out or create psychologically safe spaces within the household. In spaces that can only be described as “comfort rooms,” they are able to find privacy, consolation, and strength by focusing their attention on taking care of their own well-being. These may be physical spaces that exist within the household or objects that produce similar effects.

They don’t mind it

The transformation of the parent into a black hole is most glaring through their insensitive behavior, as they fail to see the effect they have on their children. An example of this behavior is an untidy and distressing physical environment created by the parent. For Sabrina, the space where she could see her mother’s depressive symptoms manifest the most was the bedroom.
This is a perfect example of a room of someone with depression. Because a person with depression, uhh they’re too lazy to do anything. Instead of cleaning, everything is just a mess. Uhh (sighs) it’s really sad because there’s no light? Even. the paint? And. it’s disgusting!…So, I really think. this is the room of someone with depression because a person with depression does not have the energy to clean, and they don’t mind it if it’s messy. (Sabrina)
Because of her depressive symptoms, Sabrina’s mother has no energy to clean up her own mess. Things are just left to pile up. Furthermore, the lack of light in the room and its gloomy color makes the bedroom an unwelcoming space for Sabrina. It is a very tiring experience to have to enter that room and to be greeted by the same mess every single time. What makes it worse is that no matter how much Sabrina tries to clean the room, nothing truly changes. It eventually ends up looking the way it was before. This is an example of place intensification, wherein the physical appearance of the bedroom is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining for Sabrina.

Another instance of insensitivity is through the parent’s excessive expressions of anger. After the death of her father, Sarah would often be the receiver of her mother’s negative emotions. This is expressed in the following account:
There were hours that, you know, I would cry like from 5 to 7 p.m., and she would lock me in my room? She’s literally in the living room, and she would lock me in my room…When I would remember…that spot, uhm I would remember like the hours I spent in my room crying and then asking God why mom was like that or why she’s acting that way or why would she, she would, you know, lock me in my room. But now, you know, sometimes it would still stir up depressing emotions about my childhood memories. (Sarah)
Despite this experience being in the distant past, Sarah’s room is still a reminder of all the pain she went through, the sadness she felt, and the tears she wept in those moments when her mother would lock her in her room. She would remember how helpless she felt, so much so that she had to call on God to help her understand why her mother was being so cruel to her. Because the parent does things beyond the child’s understanding or control, living with them can also be a confusing experience. Sarah’s account shows how the parent’s use of space can be emotionally harmful to the child.

Can I step into this room?

The centrality of the parent to the home becomes further underscored by their symptoms since the atmosphere of the household is dependent on how they feel and what they want to do. Their sphere of influence nearly extends to all the different spaces in the household, and it is able to transform the feelings felt in those spaces. An instance of this can be seen when Claudia fights with her mother:
It’s really like a sanctuary for me? [in reference to her bed]…when we fight there, the (pause) feeling that gets left behind is, instead of you being able to sleep?…There’s a negative feeling. (Claudia)
As expressed above, Claudia’s bed is her sanctuary or the one place in the house where she could relax, breathe, and be herself. However, after she and her mother would argue, residue from the fight changes the feelings of comfort and positivity she normally gets at her bed to feelings of unease and negativity. As a result, she cannot sleep even if she wants to. This shows how negative social interactions with the parent can have an impact on spaces that lingers even after the fact and without the parent’s active influence. It is an example of place creation, wherein arguments shape the meanings attached to personal spaces.

Aside from that, the parent’s implicit control over the household can also make certain spaces inaccessible to the child. When Iya is not on good terms with her father, her father’s bag serves as a means of gauging the household.
So I guess in times when I’m not in. good terms with my dad, the bag becomes like. a way for me to know if it’s like, ‘Can I step into this room or should I avoid being here?’ (Iya)
When there is bad blood between Iya and her father, his presence at home becomes a problem. Despite it being her house too, she needs to tiptoe around it because of him. Instead of the house being a safe place, it is unstable as rooms become psychologically “marked” as either available or unavailable to her. Instead of her father being normal, he is someone to avoid as the state of her relationship with him dictates her behavior around the house. Therefore, the child is the one forced to adapt to the parent.

That is where I escape

In the parent’s lack of consideration for others, spaces in the household can often seem beyond the control of the child. They face extremely limiting situations wherein they may feel powerless to change anything. Therefore, our participants exhibit various ways of creating distance between themselves and the household. For example, Sarah would leave her house through a hole where an air conditioner used to be in her room.
When my mom had depression and I was like coping with the death of my father as well, uhm that aircon was removed. And then there were times, like do you guys know what a Passion Play is? Like there were activities in the church. I was active in the church. I was the activities president of the youth group in the church. So uhm there were times when my mom wouldn’t allow me to go, to go to the plays or to go to the activities, so that is where I escape. (Sarah)
In the early years after the onset of her mother’s depressive symptoms, Sarah was also grieving her father’s death. Being part of the church activities was a way to forget her own problems. But there were times when her mother would not allow her to go, making the household a suffocating place for someone who also needed to breathe. Therefore, the hole in her room became a way for Sarah to do what she wanted. Although our participants do not always resort to this type of method, it was Sarah’s opportunity for relief from her mother’s invasive influence.

I would empower myself

However, there are still spaces in the household where these children can exert effective control over their situation. In response to her mother’s anger and punishment, Sarah found the mirror in her washroom to be a place where she could take care of herself.
There were a lot of times, I can’t count it anymore. maybe it’s been a hundred times already. I would lock myself in the uhm, in the CR, and this is the mirror that I would look…at myself in the mirror. I would just cry or talk to myself, so I would uhm talk to myself like, ‘You’re not like that’ or ‘You’re not an idiot, you’re not stupid’. It’s cause my mom. she has a tendency, she would say things that are really hurtful, and uhm yeah I would really, I would really like absorb what she tells me before.…I would talk to myself, and I would empower myself. (Sarah)
The challenges of living in the same household with a depressed parent is not something that goes away in a day, a month, or even a year. It is a struggle for long periods of time, which can be extremely exhausting. As seen above, Sarah’s mother would make her feel small and less than who she really was. Therefore, Sarah used the mirror countless times to talk to herself, comfort herself, and empower herself to move past her mother’s painful words. It was a place in the house where her mother could not get in her head and where she could feel better about herself. This adaptive use of space is another example of place creation, as it prevents the child from being consumed by their parent’s symptoms and helps them to carry on living at home.

Managing “being together” evoked through walls and dining tables

The emergence of the parent’s depressive symptoms forces the child to make sense of their changing relationship with the parent. In this context, having a mental health condition creates significant emotional distance between parents and their children. Although the children try to reach out to their parents, their attempts to relate are quickly and repeatedly dismissed. Consequently, the household becomes a place of “walls,” where being together as a family is a challenge.

It’s another barricade

The parent’s emotional unavailability becomes more apparent to the child when the parent uses technology. Gadgets create a pseudo-enclosed space within shared spaces that should ironically encourage interaction. The parent’s depressive symptoms combined with their use of gadgets as a distraction further alienates the child. This is a unique example of place creation. For instance, gadgets become effective “do not disturb” signs for Iya in moments when she wants to spend some time with her father.
Like the phones and the laptops, they become. another barricade from you getting to spend time with your parents or something. Cause even if I come home early, if he’s on his laptop watching whatever, wearing his earphones. He’s watching [a] movie. I can’t approach him like, ‘Hi, Dad! How was your day?’ (Iya)
Since his depressive symptoms started to manifest, Iya’s father became less communicative and more distant, which meant that she had to exert more effort into relating with him. When an opportunity to bond arises, like Iya coming home early from school, she is always met with a father who is too busy to even acknowledge her. While on his phone or on his laptop wearing earphones, Iya’s father bars her from having even a simple conversation with him. She has to compete with an inanimate object for his time and attention.

The feeling of not being the focus of the parent’s attention is one Nessa is very familiar with. Her father’s attachment to his tablet appears to be much stronger than his social relationships with his own family, as seen in the following quote:
I think it’s just if I had to put my dad’s relationship with all of us in the house on a scale, he’d be closest to the tablet. (laughs) Like he doesn’t talk to it but he’s like with it the most.…But it’s just kinda sad that he prefers to be around that more than he prefers to be around me and my mom. (Nessa)
The tablet brings her father a certain amount of joy. Nessa is well aware of this, but she still cannot help but feel upset about her situation. Despite being his only child, spending time with her seems less valuable to him than the time he spends with his tablet. The bond he shares with it is a clear indication of another wall that she cannot get through. Thus, through the use of technology, the gap between the parent and the child widens as the “walls” become more concrete and intentional.

They lock the door

As if it was not already difficult to reach out to them because of their condition, the parent isolates themselves even further. They do this by intentionally seeking out physical walls, making full use of the different rooms at home. This way, they are truly unreachable.

For Iya, the divider that her father put up in their condo serves its purpose of separating him from the rest of the family. He even built his own enclosed office. In there, no one can bother him. As a result, any opportunity that comes up falls flat, and any sort of contact or connection is impossible when he is within the confines of his walls.
We literally built walls. in a such a small space. Like you know you’ve already been given an. opportunity, like this is supposed to be an opportunity for us to bond more but you just. put that wall up. So that’s the same thing with like what I said. Like when we eat out, that’s an opportunity to bond. But you put a wall up. Or even when I try to reach out, he puts up his. And what happens is, like in defense, I also don’t want to open up anymore. (Iya)
The walls have a way of discouraging contact leading to disappointment, and it results in the child eventually giving up. Iya values opportunities for bonding with her father, but her frustration comes from his constant use of walls, symbolically (i.e., gadgets) and physically (i.e., the office). Over time, she feels less motivated and discouraged to connect with her father. In Nessa’s case, her father’s need for isolation has become a part of the family’s routine at home.
He just decides to isolate himself. And like he locks the door to the room, and we’re just like okay. (Nessa)
There is a hint of acceptance in Nessa’s words; she is no longer bothered by it. She recognizes that her father needs his space—or rather, wants it. In closing and locking the door to his room, he makes it known that no one can approach him. With the final barricade in place, the child is made fully aware that they cannot set foot in their parent’s space.

Everyone has to be there

However, despite the household being seemingly divided by invisible and physical walls, even if the time they spend together becomes infrequent and the divide grows even wider, there is a space that calls the family out from behind their walls. There is a space that not only demands but facilitates togetherness in the challenged family. Physical and social walls collapse when it is time to eat. Here we can see that Chester and Talia both share the same household rule wherein everyone must always eat together as a family.
Especially in the dining room…my mom would always stress that we would eat together as a family. (Chester)

It’s usually the dining table because we always make it a point that we eat dinner together. So even though. everybody’s out the whole day, they make it a point to be home by dinner. Everyone has to be there by dinner. (Talia)
At the dining table, everyone must be present, even the depressed parent. All those who live under the same roof come together. It is a refreshing sight to see and a disruption from the family’s usual dynamics of separation and isolation.

This is the table that binds us

The dining table is also presented as a space where everyone can interact. It is an invitation for the family to be a family. Sarah sees it as the one place that brings her family together. For Talia, the dining table is a place where her family can talk about both the good and the bad.
This is the table that binds us…it’s happy…the ambience is nice. It’s really good to have like the family eating together, parang it’s your way of bonding, asking how things are going on in school…You know, having those quality times when you eat together with your family is like your bonding time as well, uhm not only with my mom but with my uhm siblings as well. (Sarah)

Well, everybody’s sharing their day! Everybody’s making fun of one another. Or like if there are certain issues, like someone’s mad at anyone, it can be discussed there! (Talia)
The chance to be together is an opportunity not to be missed. It is there where they are actually interacting as a family, in the same space with no physical walls to separate them, enjoying meals, and cherishing that shared experience. Since family members naturally have to talk there, conflicts can also be resolved. Therefore, the dining table does not just bring them together. It also brings them back together, making the dining table a vital part of the challenged home. This is an example of place creation wherein the collective use of the dining table invigorates family relations and improves the children’s “feeling-at-home.”

Overcoming fear evoked through terraces and flowers

Depression is most commonly associated with suicide. In this context, a parent’s suicide can be potentially devastating to the family. For example, one of our participants, Talia, narrated a difficult instance wherein her father spiraled into a depression that culminated in a suicide attempt. Since the incident, certain objects have become associated with her father’s attempt and its memories remain as an indelible mark in her family.

This is where he jumped

For Talia, the new house also has a terrace, and this triggers the fear that a suicide attempt can possibly happen again. The old furniture in her new house vividly retell the story of her father’s attempt, serving as painful reminders.
In the old house, there was something similar to this but it was like a glass door, and this was the garden, and this was the terrace. This is where he jumped.…It shouldn’t be fear. of extension wires.…It shouldn’t be fear of opening a computer and it shouldn’t be fear of a reminder of something that shouldn’t have happened. That’s not what home should be.
Despite moving out of the old house, the memories of what happened then are still present in objects in the new house. Thinking about what her father can do naturally puts her on edge all the time. The fear is always there; that, at any moment, one wrong step and things could come crashing down again. Home should be where one feels secure, yet there is a distinct lack of psychological security in her home, creating a constant fear that the house itself is unsafe. This is another example of place intensification, wherein objects make Talia fearful of what could happen.

It’s still there. But it’s different now, in a way

As Talia said so herself, home should not be a place of fear. In an attempt to disarm objects of this emotion, she physically changes what she can change in her own personal space. In this case, it was the flowers in her room.
So for me not to take it away or throw it away, I just made it [in reference to flowers] look different so it could still stay in my room. Cause you know how when you listen to a certain song and it reminds you of the time you first heard that song? And it takes you back to whatever you were feeling during that time. It gives you the same thing! If you see it— The way it was arranged, the way everything. If you change it a bit, it makes it look like you ev— you know, it’s not like it was before. It’s still there. But it’s different now, in a way.
Changing the physical appearance of an object, such as shortening the stem of a flower, may seem like an inconsequential act; however, for Talia, it is this small adjustment to her environment that enables her to determine her feelings toward her own house. This is how she overcomes her past and controls the fear elicited by the objects that surround her. As a result, these objects no longer trigger the same emotional response. This is an example of place creation, wherein Talia made a thoughtful decision to change her physical environment to make home less fearful and more secure.

Seeing hope in what is (left of) home (somewhere)

Living with a parent who embodies a black hole can often be a draining and disheartening experience. However, the situation does not remain hopeless. Light can escape from the black hole; where the parent, from their self-absorbed state and enclosed by the walls they have created, reaches out to the child. Hope can be found in these moments, these ruptures in the experience, wherein they can see that they do still have a parent and one who can be a normal person.

I still have a parent

Throughout our participants’ experiences, they are made used to giving rather than taking and having a one-sided relationship with the parent. However, there are moments that break the rhythm of homelife, wherein the parent finally takes responsibility for their child rather than being a burden. The loving care and attention that the child becomes deprived of at home is finally provided to them by their parent. In the following accounts from Claudia and Nessa, it is through the parent’s labors of love.
The good days might be when I’m really tired from work and she serve my dinner. It’s like she takes over when she knows that I’m tired. That’s all I can see that’s. It’s like I can see the real mother in that, in that way of behaving. The responsibility?…‘Oh! I still have a mother!’ (Claudia)

Oh, this big bad man he washes my clothes though. He loves me cause he washes my clothes. No, he washes my clothes because he loves me. Even though he is tired, even when we get home late. (Nessa)
Rather than hearing the words “I love you,” these children see their parents’ love for them through their actions. Through these seemingly mundane acts, Claudia and Nessa are reminded that, despite the pain that their parent has caused and can cause, they do still have a parent. This is how the parent takes a leap and expresses their love, in their own special way.

Due to their self-absorption, these parents can be inconsiderate to other people’s needs. Therefore, love can also be expressed when the parent gives up something they love for the sake of the child. In Chester’s account below, he speaks about his father’s sacrifice.
This is really personal to my dad.…Uhh, he would listen to it. He would really use it most o—often? And like when times of need, when I need it, he would. give it up for me…So, yeah. It— I would feel that he, he cares. That he does that sacrifice for me. (Chester)
The one thing that Chester’s father holds on to the most is his radio. It is always with him since he uses the sound of the radio to help him sleep. However, during power outages, he would sacrifice his own comfort for Chester, so that he could sleep more comfortably at night. It is then that Chester is reminded that his father cares for him still. This is the parent stepping out of themselves to see their child and to take care of them the way a parent should.

They don’t think about problems there

There are also spaces and moments in time where the child is able to get a glimpse of their parent in a state of normalcy. Normalcy would be what the parent used to be before the depressive symptoms. They are peaceful, calm, and happy, much like in Claudia’s recollections of her mother working in the garden.
Actually, that feeling I had while I’m taking that picture is I’m happy because that’s her. it’s like that’s the only time you’ll see her be calm [and], at peace? At ease, at peace, it’s the same! Because. that’s the only place [in reference to garden] where she has free time. where she doesn’t think of— it’s like you don’t see her thinking about problems there. (Claudia)
Being able to see their parent act beyond the confines of their depressive state is an uplifting feeling for the children. When Claudia sees her mother taking care of the plants, the atmosphere at home feels much lighter—happy, in fact—and for a while, her mother’s problems are forgotten. It is heartwarming to see her mother finally doing something that she loves.

You’re thankful that it’s a part of your life

Although groundbreaking as these moments can be, they remain rare and unpredictable. Some children may hope and wait for these ruptures to become a permanent reality; however, staying may not always be the best option. In Sarah’s account below, she chooses not to dwell on her past experiences with her mother and makes a choice to move on.
I have a different home already. Here…it’s like a big part of uhm your past, your memory that you’re thankful that it’s there, that you have a place to go to. It’s like you’re thankful that it’s a part of your life but you cannot change anything anymore. (Sarah)
Moving out of the home does not suggest that all hope is lost when it comes to repairing the parent–child relationship, neither does it disregard the moments of hope. Unlike the others, Sarah has her own family and a home to build. Thus, in her decision to leave her childhood home, she fully accepts that she cannot change what happened in the past but carries those experiences along with her in gratitude as she focuses on the future. In her new home, Sarah can control things, make changes, and break the cycle. She now knows what she should and should not do to make her own family feel at home. This is an example of place realization, wherein Sarah is prompted to move out and to create the home she desires someplace else. In doing so, the home left behind is left to repair itself in time.

Discussion

The results showed the rich and complex spatial–emotional experiences in the reconstruction of “feeling-at-home” among children living in households with parents expressing depressive symptoms. As opposed to previous studies on the effects of parental depression on the home that focused only on the subjective elements (e.g., Hedman Ahlström et al., 2009, 2011; Van Parys & Rober, 2013), three key insights emerging from this alternative approach highlighted the predominant position of space in structuring, contextualizing, and initiating experiences of family relationships. We discussed these insights in the following paragraphs below.

Looking at the broader landscape of phenomenological research, there is growing acceptance toward alternative and more creative approaches to phenomenology, which seek to augment qualitative research methodologies such as IPA (Larkin et al., 2018). A spatial approach remains open to multiperspectival designs in phenomenological inquiry by highlighting the constitutive nature of space in structuring relational experiences between family members, wherein these experiences are not limited to a sole individual but are shared, albeit experienced differently.

An integral part of these children’s lifeworlds was also captured through space by what we identified to be the ruptures in the illness experience of the family. Despite being “emotionally arrested” in specific home spaces, some children growing up hold on to positive memories with their depressed parents (i.e., a remembrance or “return” to what home used to be). However, this return is accompanied by the tacit acceptance that what the home is now is no longer what it used to be. Nevertheless, it is still powerful enough to keep them going and to fuel their perseverance in keeping the meanings of what it means and what it takes to be together as a family. Taking insights from Peled and Ayalon (1988) about the mediating role of space in the restoration of family relationships, family-centered interventions in households with parents exhibiting depressive symptoms can focus on the parent’s use of space as a potential source of fractures in the parent–child relationship.

Our findings also echo existing literature, wherein the depressed parent is no longer who they once were, and the child must endure the emotional turmoils that accompany that change, while making sense of what it means to still have a family (Dam & Hall, 2016; Simpson-Adkins & Daiches, 2018). Specifically, the experiences of emotional struggle closely resonate with the concept of ambiguous loss in the context of trauma and complicated grief in the family (Boss, 2007, 2010). At a young age, participants must navigate these psychological challenges while living in seemingly “immovable” or physically fixed households, as well as maintaining a semblance of a “normative” family within a traditional hierarchical Filipino parent–child relationship (Yusay & Canoy, 2019).

Due to the relative permanence of the household, the painful memories and negative emotions created by familial discord are “encoded” in intimate spaces and everyday physical objects and thus can trigger a spiral of emotional difficulties for family members. As such, recovery from trauma-like experiences is harder because positive or negative experiences might seem “frozen” in household objects, evoking a paradoxical experience of “absence and presence” (Boss, 2006). The general features of emotionally laden household objects and spaces (e.g., vase, dining table) from the findings can function as triggers of childhood traumatic memory (i.e., evoking what is absent or no longer present). For example, parents might be physically available, but emotionally unavailable in responding to the needs of their children. In this light, scholars and practitioners may need to actively recognize the spatial embeddedness of experiencing forms of “emotional scarring” in the context of healing existing family relations.

Findings also show a potential for more in-depth inquiry into the possible differences in gender and age-groups within this context and the value of a spatial approach to challenging households. Since the experiences of these young people partly vary depending on their agency within the household as a function of age, a limit can be set on which age-group to focus on. Given that small sizes are commonly used in phenomenological studies, findings are not intended to be generalizable across other cultural contexts. Furthermore, only high functioning participants are included in the current study, which is why they were able to fully articulate difficult experiences at home. Although our sampling criteria did not include a formal diagnosis of clinical depression, our findings still validated the effects of parents with mental health difficulties on the family (e.g., see recent review of Simpson-Adkins & Daiches, 2018). Unlike the current study (i.e., formal diagnosis was difficult to confirm in recruitment because of the pervasive stigma associated with mental health conditions), we recommend future studies to specify, if ethically possible, formal clinical diagnosis of depression or other mental health conditions in order to stay closer to the particularity of the case. Further studies could also diversify the gender of children, including more males, that may significantly alter parent–child experiences.

In this study, we have the privilege to not only hear the stories of these young people but to see with our own eyes the snapshots of their life at home. In talking about the still images of where they lived, participants shared with us the depth and the range of emotions that carry them through the challenges they face at home. Recognizing the level of vulnerability ingrained in their act of sharing, we are continually challenged to see the world through their eyes and to understand where they are coming from. Reflexively as the researchers, we have had personal experiences with the sweeping effects of depression on the family unit. Therefore, we strive to see them as people emerging from struggle: not passive beings but active doers, not victims but survivors; situated in self-limiting spaces yet self-determining, being shaped by yet also shaping the spaces around them. We realize our responsibility to honor the multiple voices heard in these stories.

Presenting an alternative to the dualistic framing of the subjective and objective elements of “feeling-at-home,” this study has offered a phenomenological perspective of space as both material and symbolic, which are cooperative in the experience of “feeling-at-home.” The results and discussion showed the complex spatial realities of these young people as they reconstitute what it means to “feel-at-home” in simultaneously volatile and seemingly “immovable” spaces in the family household. Theoretical and practical implications of this study contribute to the growing developments in IPA applied to understanding family relationships in vulnerable contexts by putting forth a spatial perspective to phenomenology. Furthermore, these implications frame these young people as adaptive and emotionally resilient agents in the home and establish paths toward the cultivation of hope in difficult spaces.

Footnotes

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

ORCID iD

Nico Canoy

Open research statement

This research was not pre-registered. Due to the sensitive nature of the topic, the data and materials used in the research are not available. Data sharing practice is a relatively new procedure and thus was not included in the informed consent form at the time when participants were asked to participate.

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