Abstract
In its first publication in English, Turkmenistan writer-in-exile
CAST OF CHARACTERS
GEORGE GEORGEVICH – a Very Influential Person. Almost God.
PROFESSOR REFORMATORSKII – a leading light of Science. Someone with influence over George Georgevich
A DOCTOR BY THE GERMAN NAME OF MAISNER – the Professor’s Assistant
POODVEDEV – Chair of the Tenants’ Stair Committee. Someone close to no one and with no particular influence on anybody
DOG – an ordinary dog with an extraordinary fate
Prologue
A snatch of telephone conversation:
Professor, you know very well that we are trying to build democracy all over the world. We put political pressure on dictators. We institute economic sanctions against them. We undertake military actions. And – as true democrats – we even hang them high. In a word, we have squeezed and squeezed them. Squeezed and squeezed. But the result is piddly squit.
Yes, George Georgevich, I know that.
Yes? ! And so we would like to try a scientific experiment. We want to transform a dictator into a democrat. I am asking you, as an outstanding scientist, to handle the operation. We guarantee you complete back-up and total support.
Right then, I agree. Let me know as soon as a suitable opportunity arises.
Professor Reformatorskii paces his office, humming a snatch of forgotten Turkmen opera under his breath, about the star-crossed lovers Shasen and Garip. The phone rings.
Yes, that’s me. What!? A knife through the heart? Perfect! And his testicles torn off? They were a bit hasty there. And the cause of death – acute cardiac deficiency? Excellent! I’ll be right there.
And turning to his assistant, he says:
Doctor, bring everything we need for an operation. We’re flying down to Ashgabad.
Scene 1
The outskirts of Ashgabad. The President’s country residence. Total commotion. A crush of people – mostly soldiers and security men with guard dogs. The Professor and the Doctor head for the President’s lying in state. The professor notices a dog sitting to one side of the crowd and whining, pitifully.
You’ve no collar. That means you’re a stray. You’re what I need.
And turning to his assistant, he says:
Doctor, take him with you.
Dr Maisner looks at the dog with distaste and says to himself: What do we need this mangy item for? As they drop into the morgue, Maisner acquaints the Professor with the history of the dead man’s illness.
Sixty-six years old. Recidivist president by profession. Three elections, with a life-term the last time round …
I understand. No need to go on. We’ll get the operation underway. I remind you that we will extract the Hipofiz from this one’s brain … and insert it into the dog’s. If the experiment’s a success, then we’ll get a democratic president out of a dog. Unlike wolves, dogs have no pack leaders. That means they are democratic animals. Is that all clear?
Genius, Professo! Did you think of that yourself?
(ignoring the doctor’s words) From start to finish, we’ve got nine and a half minutes. Get trepanning.
(after some time) What are you hanging about for!? Time’s passing!
There’s no hipofiz gland in here!
Then what is there?
Only a hipofuck.
What else would you find in a head like this?! Give us the hipofuck, and stitch it up as fast as you can!
Later, Dr Maisner will write in his notes that: ‘On 23 December at 8.30 the first operation in the world was carried out following Professor Reformatorskii’s methodology. Under chloroform anaesthesia, a dog’s testicles were removed with a view to replacing them with those of a man who had died the night before – but it turned out he had none. It was necessary to sew the dog’s own testicles back on. Directly afterwards, a cerebral appendage was removed from the dog by means of trepanning the hipofiz pituitary gland. The aim was to replace this with the hipofiz of the said deceased. But only a hipofuck could be found, which was duly transplanted into the dog. Operation notes by GG.’
ABOVE: PP the Dog
Credit: Andrew Thompson/Sector 4 Illustration
Scene 2
The country residence of the President. It is some time after the operation. The Professor and the Doctor are having dinner. The Professor is pouring shots of vodka with an expert hand.
Vodka with salted cucumber is only for uncircumcised Bolshevik bandits. It should really be drunk with something spicy …
At that moment some men burst into the room
What do you want, gentlemen? Would you care to introduce yourselves?
I am the Chair of the Tenants’ Stair Committee, Poodvedev, and these are my comrades. A meeting of tenants in our block decided that you are taking up far too much space. You must double up.
But you know that I’m exempt from any Spare Room Tax.
In that case, Professor, in light of your stubborn resistance, we will be forced to do with you what we did to your neighbour with the Georgian name. That is to say, forcibly strip you of a couple of bedrooms.
One moment, gentlemen.
He picks up the telephone receiver.
George Georgevich, I’m very glad I caught you! Your operation is cancelled. Three men have just burst into the room with revolvers, of a 1916 vintage, and Special Advisor Jakhan Pollyeva in drag, and subjected me to a regime of terror. In these sorts of conditions I cannot do my work. I am leaving the country. I shall leave the keys with Poodvedev and let him get on with the operation! Right …
He holds out the receiver to Poodvedev.
Now they would like a word with you.
holds the receiver and says in confusion:
Yes! Yes we know what work he does. We’re from the KGB. We wanted to leave him five whole rooms …
Then, replacing the receiver and turning to his comrades, he says:
How disgusting! George Georgevich just swore blind at me …
The woman dressed like JAKHAN POLLIYEVA, in drag, steps forward and turns to the Professor.
If no one had interceded for you in such a reprehensible way, we would have arrested you!
For what?
THE WOMAN DRESSED LIKE SPECIAL ADVISOR JAKHAN POLLIYEVA IN DRAG You don’t love Russia!
indifferent, tired:
You’re right. I don’t love Russia.
Scene 3
The same place. The Professor and the Doctor observe how the dog they operated on is quietly becoming more human.
(ecstatic): Professor, you’re a genius!
The – now former – dog runs past, uttering some unintelligible sounds. From time to time he says ‘Tenretin’.
(turning to the Doctor): And do you know what ‘Tenretin’ is?
That’s the internet, only backwards.
Scene 4
There is chaos around the President’s country residence. Rumours flying round the country have triggered a huge response. There are spontaneous gatherings in the street. Someone is speaking about aliens from other planets. Someone else, about the resurrection of the dead President. It is the better informed who address the meetings.
Science has made a terrific advance! It has created a homunculus! I would even say a Gorbunculus. Soon science will start producing good and clever presidents, that will give us pensions, the opera and the internet – only the other way round!
gets into discussion with him:
Why do you call a homunculus a Gorbunculus? That’s bright blue. And we don’t know yet how this homunculus will turn out. So I’d call him a Gurbanculus, not a Gorbunculus!
Musaev silently walks away.
Oh hell, I said something wrong. They’ll kick me out of uni for sure.
And with these gloomy thoughts he leaves the meeting.
Scene 5
The idle curious are also trying to force their way into the President’s country residence. Outside its doors, a huddle of two Turkmen journalists and a photographer await some sort of announcements. The doorbell rings again. A WOMAN enters with a bundle and a stick.
A pilgrim am I. From the UN Commission of Human Rights. I have come to zee the zpeaking dog!
The crowd manages to steer her away, after promising the ‘speaking dog’ will soon be on show in America.
***
From the Notebook of Dr Maisner: At 1.13, the Professor fell into a deep faint. As he fell he hit his head on the table leg. In my presence, the dog (if you can call him a dog) swore blind at him. In recent days it has started pronouncing lots of words like ‘reform’, ‘internet’, ‘opera’, ‘the pub’, a ‘couple more slugs’ and all the foul words that can be found in the Russian and Turkmen languages. I think the Professor is starting to be disillusioned with the results of his operation.
Scene 6
The country residence of the President. The Professor and the Doctor are talking.
Well Doctor, whatever you make of it, the dog is developing. By the way, what should we call our newborn creation? He’s no longer a dog, though he’s still no president.
Perhaps PP? It could stand for Puppy-President. Or Partial-Pup. Or Partial President. Or Potential Product. Or …
Polygraph Polygraphovich!
The nameless newborn suddenly barks.
Dumbstruck, the DOCTOR gasps:
He understands! Professor, he understands!
Scene 7
The Hall of Columbia University. It is full of people. On stage, its eyes wide open, staring round the auditorium, stands a confused and frightened PP. DR MAISNER is presenting the results of the experiment to the public:
Before you stands a miracle of science! The surgeon’s scalpel has brought a new presidential entity to life!
Walking over to PP, the DOCTOR continues
A perfectly-formed man physically speaking. Weight around 96 pounds. Of small height. With a small head. It has begun to smoke and eats human food.
Poking PP in the side, he adds: Show people what you can do.
Frightened, THE DOG
(then, with growing confidence) Recognition from America! Up yours!
A stormy wave of applause rolls through the hall. The audience starts asking questions.
PP, Sir, what do you know about the fate of political prisoners in your country?
Zip it, shrimpy. I’m still small. Up yours.
(not deflected): And do you plan to open internet cafes? And do you have any enemies?
Internet bars! A couple more slugs!
Scene 8
It is some time later. Reformatorskii, Maisner and PP are eating dinner in the President’s country residence. PP is already able to take part in the conversation, though from time to time he slobbers.
The PROFESSOR (turning to PP): Well, what are you planning to do this evening?
Soon I will open a circus and re-open the opera. And 15 internet bars, oy, I mean internet cafes. And I’ll go there.
Perhaps you could open a ballet while you’re at it?
No! Crazy capering. Jump after jump. It’s counter-revolutionary, it is!
The PROFESSOR (laughing at PP’s reply): You might read something.
I already do read this and that …
What do you read, if I may make so bold as to ask?
The whatsit. That green thing, like oxidising copper. Ah – the Rukhnama.
And what can you say about that you have read?
Well, I don’t agree with it. Endless scribbling. Maslakhat and some sort of Oguzy. Your head’s fit to bust. Everyone should be deported and everything confiscated!
And what scoundrel gave you a book like that?
They’re all scoundrels here. Well, Poodvedev gave me it to read. To help me develop.
Scene 9
The PROFESSOR is alone, reading jottings about PP in the newspaper
There is no doubt that, as decadent bourgeois society would put it, this is his illegitimate son. Signed, Poodvedev.
Setting aside the paper, the
Scene 10
POODVEDEV and PP are chatting in the Tenants’ Stair Committee Room
Dear Comrade, we need you in the ranks of our organisation. And I would recommend that you join a military grouping too. Then we will teach you how to become a lawfully-elected President for life.
I’ll join their ranks, but I’m buggered if I’ll fight! I was seriously injured during the operation! See what they removed!
He takes down his trousers and shows the testicles that were hurriedly stitched on, any old how.
I deserve a Personal Invalidity Pension! In addition to which-
(pointing again down there, with a sob)
I deserve neuter gender status- us- us …
Scene 11
In the President’s country residence, the Professor and the Doctor are chatting.
That Poodvedev is a very bad influence on PP and I’m afraid he and his ‘Comrades’ could subvert the aim of our operation.
Poodvedev is neither here nor there. I was interested in eugenics and wanted to improve on a presidential strain. But I’ve only managed to make it younger. I have to admit my mistake.
Nevertheless, Professor, I suspect that Poodvedev will destroy our plans, then accuse us of being incompetent.
Scene 12
The country residence of the President. Someone outside is drumming on the door. Once the door opens a crowd of people swarms in. Poodvedev and his comrades bring up the rear. At the front is a MAN IN A HAT. He introduces himself:
I am from the EU. Mr Poodvedev informed us that this country had a very democratic new President, and now he has gone. You, Professor, and your assistant, are under suspicion of having murdered the President!
But excuse me, you can be sure that no one has murdered him. If by democratic president you mean PP, then he is alive and well.
Then let me see him!
Dr Maisner brings PP out of a room, all wrapped in bandages and wearing a red tie. He has already begun to look a bit like the previous dictator-President, though significantly younger. From time to time he barks.
Is this him? How so? Then why did Mr Poodvedev say he was a democrat? And he said so himself, and made speeches promising all sorts of reforms, and spoke about the internet …
He still makes speeches and promises things now. True, less and less.
But, all the same, how is democracy doing?
At which PP bounds up to him and says
Mind your language! Grrwoof!
Epilogue
Poodvedev and his comrades are sitting in the Tenants’ Stair Committee room.
Well, Comrades, our operation is working out successfully.
(turning to the woman dressed like Special Advisor Jakhan Poliyeva in drag)
Was it you who slipped the dog’s collar before the Professor arrived?
Yes – as agreed!
Keep a tight grip on it. We’re going to need it soon.