Abstract
I AM THE FIRST British Asian professional footballer in the UK. A member of the first women’s Professional Football team.
Yes. But.
Let me tell you about that move. The ball is played through defence. I am running past them all. It is just me, the goalkeeper, the ball. At full speed, throwing myself through the air. I connect first and the goalkeeper, sliding down, just a fraction too late, watches the ball fly over her.
That moment. That magical 100% moment. The whole of me alive, in motion, committed. Has there ever been a moment in my ’off pitch’ life in which I had to give so much of myself?
If you had waited two more hours before calling the ambulance, she would have died.
The move that nearly ended it all. My foot had got to the ball first. The goalkeeper’s feet had no ball left to connect to, they drove straight into my stomach.
Cried out. Didn’t cry. Unlucky timing.
I didn’t even score. The ball floated just over the bar. I never wanted to play football ever again.
The End.
Yes. But.
Let me tell you about that move. The ball is played through defence. I am running past them all. It is just me, the goalkeeper, the ball. At full speed, throwing myself through the air. I connect first and the goalkeeper, sliding down just a fraction too late, watches the ball fly over her.
Crying. Only crying. Perfect timing.
The move that started it all. My foot got to the ball first. It sailed over the goalkeeper into the net.
Fulham were about to form the first professional women’s team. I was playing in my comeback match after That Move Part 1. Nine months between them. A new life. A new beginning.
A professional footballer! What a dream that must be!
Yes. But.
They don’t see me. You don’t see me!
My constant cry as a child. I don’t know who I was screaming at. My parents? Teachers? Those around me? Or myself.
How do I know if you see me or not, when I don’t understand myself, haven’t had the opportunity to look. Who will hold up the mirror?
She can play on our team, she’s good. She will run around everywhere and keep fighting!
Will she? How did they know that?
Who told them?
She’s fast! And fit! You can depend on her, she will always do her best to be there for you.
LEFT: Permi Jhooti, who is now an artist, was the first British Asian professional footballer in the UK
CREDIT: Oliver Look
Who? Me? Yes! This was me. I
would, I did, I do all those things. I just hadn’t considered what it meant. I liked the sound of this ’she’. This me.
Football. The first time I ever had a glimpse of who I may be, of what I may be able to contribute, if only I was given the opportunity; if I didn’t have to take my place in the shadows. Football. The world which allowed me to give of myself, valued it, saw me.
It held up a mirror: take a good look at yourself, fix that image in your mind -this is you. Remember this when you go back out into that other world, the one in which the others just can’t quite see.
You can have her.
No, it’s OK, you can have her.
I keep my head down, don’t look anyone in the eyes. I walk over to one of the teams, the one where maybe somewhere inside there is an ally, someone who knows me a little. Because that, that person they just witnessed, the unwanted outsider? That is not me, it cannot be me. Please, please, let that not be me.
Yes. But.
Football, sport, was my refuge no matter what was going on within me. On that pitch, or court or field, so much joy and freedom with the people who saw me – Justine, Daisy, Debbie and Tash. And Janet, my teacher, my coach, my mentor, my friend – the one who saw what I could be, should be, would be.
She saw me, would show me.
Football, sport, my tormentor. Let me count the ways in which you made it clear I was not on your team. I was the wrong colour, the wrong sex, the wrong, wrong, wrong.
The physical abuse, the mental and emotional abuse, it was wrong, wrong, wrong.
I do not want anyone to ever go through some of the things I did.
Yes. But.
I do not ever want to go back and take away my things I had to go through.
Football. The mirror it held up and the person it reflected back.
How would I ever have known who I was, the qualities I love that have brought me to this life I now lead?
I saw myself through sport. Any challenges I have ever faced in my life I can find an analogy within football. It always helps me find a way forward, gives me an answer. It provided me not just with beautiful moments, teammates and friends; it provided me a life and a philosophy that lives beyond the pitch.
Now, on those occasions I walk into a room, as the woman who proudly strides in, knowing she has a voice and a power, I look up over the heads, through the bodies of all those confident and loud voices, I look for you.
You are quieter than the others, have made yourself smaller, are hiding in the shadows. You are asking all those questions I once asked myself, yes?
But, I see you.