Abstract
Toxic Relationships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing With the Friends Who Break Them provides guidelines to help women and girls navigate relationships with other women. The authors’ focus on unhealthy patterns in relationships among women and girls with other women and girls (rather than with men and boys) seems to reinforce the social belief that females have frequent relational and verbal aggressiveness problems with other females. The second author of this review notes that it is in fact quite rare to encounter female psychotherapy clients with chronic and repeated problems in their female friendship networks. The authors of the book do not state whether the suggestions in the book apply to girls’ and women’s toxic friendships and romantic relationships with men.
The text is organized around 10 “rules” of friendships and addresses how these rules can be applied and violated relative to different ages of development (from young girls to older adult women). The rules include (1) trust and be trustworthy, (2) show empathy and positive regard, (3) accept friends’ friends, (4) show emotional support, (5) volunteer assistance when needed, (6) repay favors, (7) stand up for friends, (8) do not “bring down” or (9) criticize friends, and (10) do not criticize or be jealous of friends’ other relationships.
The book is written for a broad audience of women. Even though some of its content refers to preteen and teen girls, it is more likely to be read and understood by adult women (either for themselves or for their daughters, nieces, sisters, etc.). It does not appear to have been intended as an academic text. The authors draw on their survey of women for the data that informed their conclusions, but they do not describe their data collection methods. The sample seems to be clients who sought counseling. The authors do not specify the interview questions or how they recorded the responses. It appears that client interviews, one author’s experiences as a psychotherapist, and research conducted on the literature of relationships formed the bases for the development of the 10 rules. Some chapters provide limited scholarly references to substantiate claims; rather than journal articles and books, the authors occasionally cite secondary sources, such as news articles of studies, to support statements about behavior.
Wide use of the term “toxic” was applied to common behaviors such as not keeping confidences, judging others harshly, and ostracizing others. The word toxic seems an extreme term to be applied to these types of common behaviors but that may have been a point the authors were making; that such behavior is hurtful and can damage a relationship and the people in it. Interestingly, more serious breaches of trust in relationships, such as romantic entanglements and affairs with partners or husbands of friends, are not discussed at length in the book. Women commonly report these perceived betrayals in therapy.
Unhealthy interactions in the workplace are addressed in one section of the book. Given the amount of time that most women spend in work contexts, however, and that women’s behavior is often misinterpreted in the workplace, more discussion about toxic work relationships was warranted; these are often relationships that are less chosen than other friendships.
The most prominent omission from the book regards descriptions of experiences of diverse women, including women of color; lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women; and women who are economically disadvantaged. As a result, the text appears to be written for White, middle-class, heterosexual women. Two references are made to the “Mommy track,” which seems a clichéd if not sexist reference to women who decide to raise children. Although they are not used throughout the text, some traditional gender role references are made, such as “sugar and spice,” which is referenced twice. The implied middle- or upper-class audience is conveyed through examples, such as a girl not inviting another girl to a tea party and a girls’ holiday cookie exchange. Is concern over social situations such as these more true of girls than boys? The authors state that girls have fewer friends than do boys and are more selective and jealous in relationships, yet they do not cite scientific research to support these claims.
The “rule” violation emphasis of the book suggests the appropriateness of a “tit-for-tat” (i.e., a reciprocity and social exchange/equity) basis for healthy relationships, rather than viewing healthy relationships as based on investment, commitment, and mutual respect. The authors view toxicity in relationships as due to “breaches of rules,” and subsequent negative consequences, rather than taking a strengths-based approach that encourages the fostering of more positive interactions. Instead, the focus is on identifying and avoiding toxic ones. The reciprocity view of healthy relationships is consistent with a Western/American individualistic perspective. A collectivistic perspective, in which the relationship could be viewed as related to the person’s identity, may result in the person not needing to receive as much as they perceive that they give.
The practical application approach of the book includes self-reflection and organizing exercises at the end that may help women identify important values and traits they possess and create their own rules for relationships. Women in toxic relationships may find these specific “how to” exercises to be helpful. In sum, the text is a light read that includes cautions about unhealthy patterns in some women’s relationships. The assertions and recommendations, however, do not reflect the experiences of diverse women and are not grounded in research and theory in psychology.