Abstract
The capacity to be with is based on Emotional Availability (EA). There are three developmental levels of EA, which the infant acquires sequentially: (1) regulation, resonance, and emotional attunement; (2) deepening the communication with the other; (3) the capacity to be with. In the adult psyche, these three levels become three emotional patterns with varying degrees of presence. In this article, it is proposed that the therapeutic exchange has the potential for healing these emotional pattern(s). The capacity to be with another is an innate instinct that is present in each person and allows living within groups in the here and now without resolving all of one’s pre-existing (inter and intera subjective) conflicts.
Keywords
Introduction: Emotional Availability and the Therapeutic Exchange
In this article, it is proposed that one’s basic sense of alienation stems from one’s lack of Emotional Availability (EA). If raised without a ‘good-enough mother’ in an environment lacking EA, one cannot learn vital self-other regulation skills. In the past, such a person would be advised to befriend his alone-ness and himself as a means of connecting with others. Currently, a different approach is presented.
In our conceptualization, there are three developmental levels of EA which the infant acquires in a sequential manner: (1) regulation, resonance, and emotional attunement; (2) deepening the communication with the other; (3) the capacity to be with. In the adult psyche, these three stages become three emotional patterns with varying degrees of presence.
In this article, it is proposed that the therapeutic exchange has the potential for healing emotional pattern(s) bearing a developmental deficiency. The author proposes holding the concept of EA at the core of the therapist’s understanding when trying to help patients to develop the emotional patterns they lack. It is noteworthy that the levels reached in infancy later become emotional patterns in adulthood, which exist simultaneously, each to a greater or lesser degree. These three patterns will be examined and linked to the various dimensions of EA. Their development in infancy, their manners of manifestation in adulthood, and the ways in which therapy can help the individual and the group to grow to include all three emotional patterns relating to EA will be described and illustrated via two case examples.
Regulation, Resonance, Mirroring, and Emotional Attunement
Persons develop their sense of self through their relationship with the primary caregiver (Tronick and Gianino, 1986), and positive interactions are crucial to this development. Emde (1988) finds the most sensitive clinical indicator of emotional availability in infancy to be the presence or absence of positive affects. A negative or angry affect exchange between the mother and the infant creates deregulation. If such deregulation occurs often, the child may develop a problematic perception of himself/herself as well as of the primary caregiver, which, via being incorporated as a working model, may influence all of one’s current and later relationships (Bretherton, 1992).
Thus, it may be understood that the regulation, resonance, and emotional attunement of and with the parent provide the child with a secure base from which he can embark on the adventure of discovering one’s inner world. Emotional availability and empathy have been described as the conceptual links between the early parent–child relationship and the analytic relationship (Emde, 1990: 893):
Emotional availability, both in the early caretaking situation and in the analytic/therapeutic situation, becomes manifest through regulation. Regulation ensures balance, the avoidance of extremes, and the maintenance of individual integrity during the flow of life; from a developmental point of view, regulation functions to ensure optimal exploration against a background of safety.
It is further argued that
… psychoanalysis may be a special form of developmental experience. (Emde, 1990: 901)
The next question to be addressed relates to the depth of this communication with the other, which brings us to the second level/structure of EA.
Deepening the Communication with the Other
The ability to be emotionally available is what enables persons to convey their inner world outwards, to the interpersonal world, in an increasingly honest manner. When lacking this ability, the person remains aware of his/her inner conflicts and complexity, but is totally at a loss as for its translation to the external world, which results in loneliness. The EA dimension of parental structuring helps to create an orderly world for the infant, characterized by a sense of predictability or consistency.
Bion (1962) emphasizes the idea of the ‘container’ and the ‘contained’ in describing the infant’s integration of his/her world. The parent acts as a container for the child (a concept similar to Winnicott’s holding environment), helping him or her to control or contain strong affects as part of the process of identification with the parent. The relationship between the analyst and the group has its own developmental history and memory; the analyst, acting in ways similar to a parent, provides an organizational matrix for the analysand’s affective experiences within the analytic situation (Narsessian, 1989).
On the first level, the regulation, resonance, mirroring, and attunement of the caregiver (and of the therapist) enable the infant to recognize his/her sense of self. On this second level, the infant learns to communicate this sense of self, based on the extent to which he learns to trust the EA of his external environment. If one assumes the other cannot be emotionally available, based on one’s previous life history and experiences, one will simplify the self brought to the interaction via contracting, censoring, and withholding. This ultimately results in a superficial communication, and loneliness. Thus, a dialogue, which is lacking in EA is bound to leave one feeling empty and alone.
From birth, the infant is exposed to numerous interactions in various group contexts. A group is a mental state encompassing many dyadic interactions between objects. The dyadic interaction may be that of a single object facing another object that is experienced as a subject, and may be that of a single object facing a number of other objects that are experienced as a single subject (Yogev, 2006). The former describes a relationship between two people, both of whom experiencing the other as subjects. The latter involves a relationship with two objects (e.g., parents) or more (e.g., a family with siblings) that are experienced as a single subject, or an object facing many other objects that are experienced as a single subject, each time in a different combination (e.g., a class, neighbourhood, or city). A three-dimensional situation is constantly present: when in a dyadic interaction with another object, persons are simultaneously exposed to the other object’s group background(s). This also means that in the dyadic analytical relationship the whole family is ‘present’ via the various transferences.
Infant–parent communication begins to resemble a dialogue very early on. By the second half of the first year, infants begin to initiate playful social games by looking at their parents and smiling or babbling, or by leaning forward and waving their arms (Hodapp, Goldfield, and Boyatzis, 1984). These types of bids suggest that the infant has at least a basic expectation of a response to his/her bid; an inborn social instinct. At the same age-period, not only do infants show greater expectation for contingency in their social interactions, but they also actively seek their parent’s affective reactions to novel threatening or non-threatening situations and use such information to alter their exploratory behaviours (Feinman, 1982; Klinnert et al., 1983; Sorce et al., 1985). The collective empirical and clinical observations of the phenomenon of so-called social referencing are well-known and have been used as metaphors for the analytic situation (Emde, 1990). In a similar manner, the patient picks up on the analyst’s cues as to which behaviours are appropriate, safe, or dangerous.
When their mothers intentionally display negative affective expressions, one-year-old infants are less friendly to strangers (Feinman and Lewis, 1983), and refrain from playing with specific, novel toys (Hornik, Risenhoover and Gunnar, 1987). Conversely, positive affective signals from the parent facilitates and encourages exploration of novel objects, people, and situations (Feinman and Lewis, 1983; Gunnar and Stone, 1984; Hornik, Risenhoover and Gunnar, 1987). Similarly, when the therapist displays positive affective expressions, the patient will explore novel objects, people and situations, while negative affective expressions will inhibit the patient’s exploration of ‘new toys’, whether they are people, situations, or affective states within himself/herself. When this emotional pattern is not adequately developed, the analyst will help the patient to learn to ‘play’ via developing the ability to free associate and communicate through words. Needless to say, the analyst’s ability to be emotionally available is crucial for this exchange to have a healing potential. Otherwise, ‘filling the analytic space with the analyst’s “stuff” can actually become a form of violation’ (Ehrenberg, 1996: 282).
As the child explores his newfound abilities, he/she needs to feel able to influence the mother to engage in interaction with him. The losses experienced in rapprochement are losses that every mother–child pair must go through (Bergman and Harpaz-Rotem, 2004). In a similar manner, the patient negotiates this stage of growth with the analyst via practising closeness and separation, as well as openness and intimacy, and later retreating, only to be drawn back into closeness once more by the sensitive analyst’s careful reflection on the process. The paradox of the rapprochement stage in the communication between patient and therapist is what lays the foundation for its subsequent resolution, the capacity to be with.
Developmental Theory to the Function of ‘the Capacity to be With’
According to attachment theory, mothers who are available and responsive to their infant’s needs establish a sense of security (Bowlby, 1988). Experience with a caregiver who is emotionally accessible and responsive is an essential component of helping infants to learn to regulate their own emotions adaptively. This regulation takes place initially within the dyad, then independently (Bretherton, 1985). The EA of the mother serves as the basis for a supportive context for the child’s exploration and practice of autonomy (Mahler, Pine and Bergman, 1975).
Caregivers’ sensitive and consistent responding to their child helps to shape the working models of self and others (Bowlby, 1969 and 1973; Easterbrooks, Biesecker, and Lyons-Ruth, 2000). Maternal sensitivity refers to a mother’s positive affect, responsiveness, and gentle behaviour towards her baby. Of importance is the genuine rather than pseudo quality of the positive affect (Biringen, 2005). Inadequate responsiveness leads to either a negative model of self as undeserving of support, a model of others as fundamentally unreliable and disappointing, or a combination of both. Individuals with negative working models of attachment experience anxiety. They deactivate attachment strategies characterized by emotional and cognitive regulation patterns that deflect attention from both attachment-related thoughts and feelings and distressing stimuli (Fraley, Davis, and Shaver, 1998). The first step in experiencing behaviour regulation takes place in the dyad; as the infant matures, this becomes the model for later self-regulation. The concept of EA reflects an interaction process involving the infant, the parent, and the dyadic interaction system (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Emotional availability is comprised of several components, which describe aspects of the relationship between individuals. In the case of a parent–child relationship, dimensions of EA include parental sensitivity, parental structuring, parental non-intrusiveness and parental non-hostility, child responsiveness to the parent, and the child’s engagement of the parent in interaction (Biringen, 2005).
Parental sensitivity refers to a parent’s awareness of and responsiveness to the child, creativity during play, quality of conflict negotiations, and the affective quality of the parent–child interactions.
Parental structuring refers to the ability of the parent to structure or construct interactions in a way that engages the child in sustained interactions.
Parental non-intrusiveness refers to the parent’s ability to be available without interfering with the child’s autonomy.
Parental non-hostility refers to ways of talking to or behaving with the child that are not abrasive, impatient, or antagonistic.
Child responsiveness to the parent refers to the child’s age—and context—appropriate ability for exploration on his/her own as well as to respond to the parent with a genuine, appropriate affect.
The child’s engagement of the parent refers to the ability of the child to invite the parent into play. The child’s engagement of the parent is an analog to attachment signaling behaviour (e.g., looking, smiling), and thereby the creation of an interactive loop.
Each of the above dimensions is crucial in the therapeutic situation, be it individual therapy or in a group setting. In individual therapy, it is the therapist’s function to hold these dimensions as guiding principles in interacting with the patient—providing sensitivity, structure, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility. The two latter dimensions are connected to relational psychoanalysis. The patient’s (child’s) responsiveness to the therapist (parent) and the patient’s (child’s) engagement of the therapist (parent) in interaction requires more than just relating to the transference and countertransference. It demands the analyst’s readiness to truly engage in the relational matrix of the patient from within, in order to fully understand his/her relational world. As previously stated:
To be effective therapeutically, Mitchell believed the analyst must understand the patient’s relational matrix (always from a position within that matrix), imagine something different and more vitalizing, and then ‘find a voice’ to interest the patient in experimenting with new ways of connecting with other people. (Zeddies, 2001: 585)
In the group setting, the aforementioned dimensions are equally important; however, the ‘parent’ in this context is both the analyst and the group itself. Both strive to fulfil these requirements in order to enable each of the group members the chance to heal the developmental issues which bring them to seek greater clarity. The analytic space is currently conceptualized as a space that enables development. It is the belief of the author that a positive therapeutic experience that is based on these dimensions has the power to heal deficits in EA. For each aspect of EA it is important to discern whether each member of the interaction easily and successfully picks up on the other’s emotional cues.
Case Example: Non Resonance to Resonance: ‘The Association Dance’
The following case study is of a long-term analytic group with six participants. In the specific session presented here only five members participated.
The participants:
Henry is married with two small children. He is embarking on a new career after changing his profession.
Nancy is married with two children, one of whom has special needs. Her husband is in the process of changing his career and she herself has just started a new job.
Diana is single, a career woman who was in a relationship that did not result in a family. Analysis has helped her enter a relationship with a man who is different from those she used to date. They now live together and are planning a child.
Ken is married with two children. After developing a successful career, he is now deliberating how he wishes to continue.
Sharon is married with three children. She works in the medical profession and is tremendously overworked, which leads her to do general physical tests. Results show that she is in good health.
Allen [not present in this session] is married with two grown children. He is currently working through the ‘empty nest’ syndrome, and worries about his children who are not following his ways.
Figure one and two describe the process of the development from non-resonance to resonance in the individual and the group. Figure one describes the development of Henry’s capacity to be with and figure two describes the capacity to be with within the context of group analysis.
When people interact individually or in a group, their first interaction raises associations. These associations are contents that are hidden within the subject. As the participants listen and relate to each other, they each have associations that arise. These associations contain information from their own subjective lives and may be related as resonance through gestures or words. In the next stage, there is a breakthrough where one reflects to the other his or her subjective experience. This type of communication bears an element of depth when one tries to understand and inquire what happened before this resonance. This type of inquiry has an emotional reaction; it brings the dialogue to a deeper level and therefore allows the other to bring his/her internal emotional conflicts, childhood memories and experiences. This allows the other to learn about the subject’s or other participants’ conflicts when they interact.
This first stage is entitled the ‘dancing of associations’: Each association relates to the self and to the here and now.
Henry speaks of feeling that his place of work is chaotic. At work, there are conflicts between the workers and he is not sure who is against whom.
Nancy moves her body towards Henry and then relates in gestures and words such as ‘like’, ‘well’, ‘yeah’. She tells the group that at her job she needs to interact with others and then turns towards Henry and says: ‘If you don’t feel comfortable at your job, then just leave.’
Henry talks about a colleague at work whom he dislikes. He feels bad being in a working relationship with her.
Nancy reacts in a concrete way and does not look for the hidden meaning in Henry’s story in the here and now. On the other hand, she reacts in an angry tone which reveals that she is somewhat touched emotionally: ‘What do you care . . . if she is hysterical, then she is hysterical, what do you care about her?’
Diana reacts to Nancy and says that she understands Henry’s conflicts differently. ‘If a colleague thinks that this is connected to the issue of authoritativeness, then maybe Henry is not authoritative enough.’
Henry does not react to any of the others’ associations that arise primarily from his own associations. He continues to speak of the lack of collaboration and team work he experiences at work. For instance, when he schedules a meeting, no one attends.
After enough associations are introduced, indicating that each participant experiences something that relates to what has been said so far; the emotional experience reaches a critical mass. At this point, there is space for intervention by the therapist or by any other member that can lead the dialogue to that deeper place. A reaction that brings the dialogue to a deeper level is always related to the here and now, which ensues from the associations that are raised. It differs from interpretations that connect to the past; it reflects the past into the present. It demonstrates how something that happened in the past is happening right now in the here and now.
The therapist asks Henry a question that anyone can ask him/herself at any point: ‘How many people are resonating with you right now in the group? How many people are you resonating with?’ This is done in a non-hostile manner, modelling for the participants that one can acquire depth through sensitive and caring inquiry.
The therapist’s intervention alerts Henry to react to the here and now which he has been evading. The therapist is trying to help Henry become aware of his evasive behaviour from the other participants while he is complaining of being alone. This also might alert the others to examine the process as to how they relate to others as well; facilitating an examination of the unconscious conflicts that exist between members of the group; encouraging connection between the participants by the associations that are brought up between them; eliciting an examination of the fears that one may feel by not being able to solve conflicts; bringing the other participants to reflect on the questions of resonance presented to Henry.
The therapist’s goal is to motivate the participants to emotionally resonate with each other, in order to deepen the mirroring they provide each other with, and then to unveil and examine hidden conflicts. The object that includes the group members is experienced as a subject, representing the parents. The object that includes both the group members and the conductor is experienced as a subject representing the family. In EA terms, the therapist is increasing the participants’ capacity to be sensitive to each other in a non-hostile way, and to be both involved and responsive to the ‘parent’, which in this case is the group.
The therapist’s intervention evokes associative feedback from the participants, which brings confusion and increases fear from the group’s unconscious to the conscious space, fear of judgmental criticism and fear of receiving feedback about what each elicits within the other.
I can’t concentrate.
I also don’t understand what’s going on with me now.
[Nancy reacts in a verbal manner that makes no sense. Ken also says that he steps back when there are disagreements.]
There are fears in the group similar to the fears that I had in my new relationship, and just like it happened in my relationship, when one lets go of the fears everything turns out just fine. When I first joined the group I was anxious, I felt that I had to defend myself, I was scared of everyone’s feedback.
[Ken reacts with envy towards Diana.]
This means that you feel free, because I can’t loosen up. I am jealous of Nancy that she takes everything so lightly.
When I dance, I loosen up; right now I feel stressed.
Nancy says that she learned to loosen up by drinking wine. Henry says that he tried to take light drugs to free himself from stress. The rest of the session focuses on deepening the group’s awareness of the following conflicts:
Nancy tells the group that she is an outsider everywhere and also in the group. Henry speaks of the jealousy he feels for his wife as she fits in everywhere and he has no idea how to fit in at work and in the group. Diana speaks of the fear of dealing with unsolved issues in her new relationship, like her fear of being a mother while remaining a career woman.
The process of bringing the group to a deeper level of awareness invites the participants to touch upon the conflicts within the group as well as within each one of them. This level provides the foundation for the third and most complex level/structure of emotional availability: the capacity to be with.
Figures One and Two—Regulation, Resonance, Mirroring and Emotional Attunement to Internal and External Conflict—‘The Association Dance’
Describes the development of Henry’s capacity to be with.
The Capacity to be With
The capacity to be with means the capacity to be with in conflict, which in turn requires the capacity to be simultaneously emotionally available to oneself and to the other. This means the ability to adopt and maintain opposite and complex perspectives, a myriad of perspectives, without judging one to be superior to the other. This enables the individual to recognize and feel what each part of the kaleidoscope brings to the whole. This is gained through the genuine freedom to experiment with one’s thoughts and emotions through free associations, for the super-ego does not hinder. Without this hindrance, there is freedom to play. This is particularly difficult in romantic relationships, but when I succeed in this, something profound happens: I can feel love, loved and loving. We all deserve to feel completely seen and loved. And this is what I choose to do with you when I am emotionally available. When you see me in my complexity, in my many- sidedness, and remain with me emotionally, I feel loved. There is no aloneness there. When you take what I give at face value and do not read my unconscious, I am with you, but we are both alone. When I show my monster sides and you willingly place yourself in the place where I need you to be—emotionally available to me—that is a miraculous moment. It also encourages me to be emotionally available to you when you need me to be there, even when it is difficult for me. At the same time, the family is always there in the background. When the family is not good enough, the group is needed.
One of the prerequisites to the capacity to be with is the capacity to read each other’s unconscious, to sense the emotions that lie beneath each other’s words and the illusions we present to each other. This innate wish to be read, understood, seen, never leaves us, only transforms and develops. We learn to contain ourselves, monitor our needs. We learn to be emotionally available. The very act of accepting the lack of constant emotional availability of the other promotes the development of our own emotional availability. Do not take my words literally; listen, watch, feel my unconscious at work. And if I deny what you see, know that I am still learning to be emotionally available. When I reject your observation with my unconscious, I am rejecting your emotional availability and I am being emotionally unavailable to you. Do not lose your ground. This leads us to the optimal resolution of emotional availability, whereby we can be together and in conflict.
An important element supporting our capacity to be with is the ‘nos’. The ‘nos’ represents the social function of our personality that develops out of our innate social instinct. It enables us to see the reality of our social life, including its inherent conflicts. Thus, reconnecting to one’s innate ‘nos’ broadens the possibilities within which we are free to act. Our nos has the ability to signal to us—through fear or anxiety, for example—whether we are connecting to others or about to be rejected (Ormay, 2001; Ormay, 2011).
The emotional pattern of being with can be fostered through the analyst’s non-judgmental curiosity into the workings of the patient’s unconscious, behaviour and mind. For example, when interpreting the transference in the analytic relationship, it is essential to do so in an accepting and non-intrusive environment. In simply sharing his response and his own puzzlement at some aspect of the patient’s unconscious, behaviour, or mind, the analyst opens an analytic door that the patient can then walk through (Ehrenberg, 1996). Not blaming the patient for their reactions, not analysing the patient, not burdening the patient with the analyst’s associations, but the mere act of sharing is what is experienced as non-intrusive.
In other words, interpretations may be experienced as intrusive to the group. By encouraging mutual inquiry, the analyst refrains from this intrusiveness and in its stead, offers an opportunity for growth as well as a model for non-intrusive togetherness and exploration. This fully developed form of emotional availability is dramatized in the therapeutic relationship. However, it is important to remember that psychoanalysis is an illusion of reality (Yogev, 2008).
Case Example: To be With
In achieving this third emotional pattern—the capacity to be with—patients become aware of the contradictions in which they function. For example, when they hold contradictory needs, or forbidden feelings that are not allowed expression either within themselves or in their significant relationships. This state of un-awareness within and between subjects enables the individual to maintain relationships without resolving their inherent conflicts, and even denying their existence. As a result, only certain parts of their personality are present in the intra and inter-subjective exchange. In this case, part of their personality is repressed or simply not expressed. Thus, relations remain partial at best, which explains the pervading sense of loneliness many experience despite the physical proximity with the other. The child tries to be part of the family in the first few years, but does not know how to do it. They misunderstand his misbehaviour, call him bad and punish him.
The following session exemplifies the conflict between being a significant object to another object, and being a significant subject to another subject. To maintain an ‘inter-object’ relationship is often easier, less conflictual, yet ultimately less satisfying. In order to create a truly inter-subjective relationship, it is necessary to have the capacity to be with. The example is taken from a group analysis session. It is a slow open group that has been working for the last seven years. There are currently six participants in the group.
Betty is the mother of three children. She is of North American origin and her husband is of North African origin. From the onset of their marriage, their cultural differences have been an issue, particularly as the husband claims Betty’s family is cold, as compared to his warm family relations. Betty left home and came to Israel at a young age. She totally accepted her husband’s style, agreed with him and lived according to his family’s customs, totally repressing any sign of her own cultural upbringing. However, she did not completely disregard her background, for she raised her children in her mother tongue, teaching them English and reading to them in English.
Annie is a single woman, of European descent. She is a performing artist. Her parents are both scientists. She grew up in a mixed neighbourhood where the children of North African descent would often tease her for her style of dressing and her interest in the arts.
Tricia is also a single woman of European origin. Tricia and her siblings felt like outsiders in their neighbourhood where most of the children were from Yemen.
John comes from an Eastern European country. He denies the culture from which he came, yet also finds it difficult to connect to the Israeli culture.
Brenda is married and pregnant with her first child. She is absent from this session due to some medical examinations she had to take.
Betty talks about an essay in English she finds in her son’s room, which he writes for his English class. She cannot help herself and reads the essay. The topic is to write about someone significant in your life. He writes about Betty, his mother, who influences him in his love for English literature and his affinity with Anglo-Saxon culture. This is very touching for Betty, who for the first time, feels she is significant in her son’s life, for externally he behaves like his father.
Annie is a few minutes late to the session and Betty gets mad at her.
I feel significant when someone gets mad at me. [In her childhood, Annie would get attention whenever she misbehaved]. I’m late because I gave some extra time to my student who came late to his lesson.
[brings the conflict from a narrow and limiting dynamic between two people to an analytic intra and inter-subjective experience of Annie’s late entrance.] You preferred giving extra time to your student, an interaction where you feel significant, but as an object, where you have an ‘inter-object’ relationship. You preferred that over coming on time to the group, where you have the chance to be a significant subject engaged in an inter-subjective relationship.
You are important when you are here, and you contribute to the dialogue.
In the past, I experienced a lot of anger from Betty, who has been in the group much longer than me, and I didn’t feel I was significant to the group. [Here, Annie begins with the objective facts that Betty has been in the group longer, but she slowly deepens her dialogue with the group and with herself by revealing her inner experience of not feeling significant].
You were missing for me, particularly since I raised a topic that I know you can relate to, and that I know you understand is very important for me. [Betty responds to Annie’s feelings of insignificance. The experience that is being touched upon within the group relates to the sense of feeling meaningful for the other through relationship, in partnerships, in the group and within oneself.]
The group continues to raise associations regarding the conflict of feeling significant within romantic relationships.
My husband always belittles the culture I come from saying they are cold Anglo-Saxons. [Recently, Betty’s husband visited Paris, to which he said he would never return because it has become like North Africa. The other group members reflect on this double message Betty’s husband transmits—he belongs to this North African culture, yet he is also repulsed by it.]
He both loves and hates who he is and where he comes from. [For the first time, Betty notices this double message in her husband’s communication with her—she sees his conflict.]
Your husband is actually jealous of you, don’t you see it? Don’t you see that he chose you because you represent what he actually strives to be?
Your husband tries to repress in the relationship the parts that he can’t provide. My father also didn’t respect my mother’s worldly interests. His whole life he stuck himself at home. I also hope I don’t end up like my father and the culture he came from.
[Betty becomes sad.]
Betty, I feel your pain. It seems that what’s important for you isn’t so important for your husband, and that makes you feel lonely. Like John said, what you see is his jealousy. But there’s more beneath that.
Thanks, Annie. You see why I wanted you to be here on time? You really get me. I didn’t think it was jealousy. I thought he just preferred his family over mine. But now I see it more clearly.
I think I can feel now why it was important for you that I get here on time, and I believe you a little more that you missed me at the beginning of the session. Sometimes it’s easier for me to be significant for the ‘other’ as an object, like when I’m teaching, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being loved. It’s easier for me to focus on my career than to notice the relationships in my life. Being here on time means allowing myself to feel this is important, both for myself and for others.
As a subject and not merely as an object. It is easier for me too as a therapist to feel significant as an object, writing papers that some unknown others will read, rather than be here with you and try to feel significant. But it is much more meaningful for me to be here and relate to you.
In this example, Annie and Betty both take a step in their capacity to be with. Annie learns that in order to be with the other in conflict, she needs to agree to the possibility of actually being important to the other as a subject. To be with she must remove herself from her safe position as a successful object, putting her in a vulnerable space. As an object there is no communication to inner conflict and outer conflict. Yet it is this very space that brings with it the chance for a meaningful inter-subjective connection, which she attains in her interaction with Betty. Annie is learning to be with the conflict of feeling vulnerable and not in control, in order to have a chance at true friendship and love.
For Betty, to learn ‘to be with’ entails learning to be with her husband’s conflict and agreeing to see the ambivalence in his relations towards her. By doing so, it seems a window opens towards him in her heart, where she understands he is not free of ambivalence as she thought he was. This perhaps resonates with her own inner conflicts regarding her identification with her culture of origin, thus creating a bridge between her own conflicting emotions and those of her husband. In this way, there is less of a polarization between the two, and her capacity ‘to be with’ enables her to see his jealousy and also his admiration of her, thus deepening what a much more complex relationship than she at first is presented, both to the group and to herself.
Concluding Remarks
We cannot demand emotional availability from every person in our lives, nor can we expect it from those closest to us at each and every moment. But there is a dance that we learn to dance. An emotional synchronicity we become attuned to. We learn to identify the relationships in which emotional availability is present. And when it is lacking, our ability to recognize this lack is an important developmental milestone in our emotional availability.
Group analysis, enables the treatment and development of the emotional availability of the individual, and leads to evolvement of the ‘capacity to be with’ within group settings.
Assessing the inner and intra conflict from various perspectives, feelings, and thoughts brings to ambivalence within the individual and within the group. Being in ambivalence allows emotional availability and the capacity to be with, as it allows trust in the emotional availability of the external environment.
The acknowledgement of another’s suffering allows the individual to be treated by the group and the group to be treated by the individual where both develop. As shown in figure 2.a. and 2.b., the development of the individual influences the group and the development of the group influences the individual.
Describes the two stages of the capacity to be with within the context group analysis.
The capacity to be with another is an innate instinct that is present in each of us and allows living within groups in the here and now.
In the future, a new theory will research the capacity ‘to be with’ in regard to people with personality disorders such as borderline and narcissistic personalities. In addition, the author will be able to research the capacity to be with in a large analytic group.
Footnotes
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank Tom Ormay for his review. Participation in editing: Maya Yogev, Ronit Siso, Aya Rice, Rotem Perach. I would like to thank the anonymous reviewers.