Abstract
Sexual identity refers to the labels people use with respect to their sexual preferences. Sexual identity labels such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer are just a few sexual identity labels youth consider when they experience same-sex sexuality and are navigating various milestone events in the formation of identity. This article will place the experience of youth in a developmental context and provide recommendations for ministry to youth navigating sexual identity and Christian faith, including reframing care for youth under a stewardship model of ministry.
Introduction
In the past 40 years or more, social changes (or sociological development) around sexuality and identity have contributed to the use of sexual identity labels in communicating important aspects of oneself. Sexual identity refers to the labels (e.g., gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer) people use with respect to their sexual preferences. Emerging sexual identities, such as asexual, demisexual, and bi-curious are also part of the present cultural discourse. This article will place the experience of youth in a developmental context and provide recommendations for best practices in ministry to youth navigating sexual identity and Christian faith.
Developmental Context
We urge those in youth ministry to approach youth navigating same-sex sexuality and sexual identity to do so from a developmental perspective. Understanding the developmental milestones of youth navigating sexual identity and faith provides both a context for ministry and a foundation for specific ministry recommendations.
Adolescence is a time of identity formation (Erikson, 1963; cf. Arnett, 2004). Teenagers are trying out different preferences, hobbies, ways of engaging, and experiences. All of your teens are doing this to some extent. It is a normal developmental process. In the literature in this area, the discussion around identity formation in adolescence has been extended to include exploration of sexual identity. The earliest models of sexual identity development were stage models that held out identity synthesis or achievement of a gay identity as the normative outcome (Cass, 1979). To further our understanding of developmental context, it can be helpful to understand and empathize with what sexual identity development can mean for teenagers who are in a process of identity development with the added layer of same-sex sexuality (Dean, Stratton, Yarhouse, & Lastoria, 2011; Stratton, Dean, Yarhouse, & Lastoria, 2013). When they are raised in a Christian faith community, their religious identity formation also needs to be considered, as well as the intersection of that with a range of other aspects of identity (Yarhouse, 2013). Another important factor includes ethnic identity and the cultural factors that can inform and add complexity to identity formation. What we want to keep in mind, then, is that we are ministering to an adolescent population that is searching for and trying on different identities at a stage of life when they are also likely to first share that same-sex sexuality as a part of their experience.
What we have found in our research over the past decade is that Christians navigating questions around same-sex sexuality report several milestones in the formation of their sexual identity (Yarhouse, Dean, Stratton, & Lastoria, 2018). We will discuss their experiences below. Common milestones for many people who are navigating same-sex sexuality include first awareness of attractions, first experience of sexual behavior to orgasm, first disclosure to another, adoption of a private sexual identity label, and so on (Savin-Williams & Diamond, 2000). The field of psychology has moved away from thinking about identity exploration in stage models (e.g., Cass, 1979), because these milestone events are considered more helpful in capturing the common experiences that don’t always occur in a linear way.
In recent research with Christian college and university students who are navigating faith and sexual identity, milestones reported (along with average age and percentage of sample who reached this milestone) included first awareness of one’s same-sex sexuality (99% by age 13), confusion associated with same-sex sexuality (95% by age 13), first disclosure of one’s same-sex sexuality to another (81% by age 17), initial attribution “I am gay/lesbian/bisexual” (84% by age 17), adopted the label “gay” for themselves privately (74% by age 18), engage in sexual behavior to orgasm (43% by age 18), enter into a first same-sex relationship (40% by age 18), adopted the label “gay” as a public sexual identity label or how they are to be known by others (40% by age 20) (Yarhouse, Dean, Stratton, & Lastoria, 2018, p. 68).
Of course, these milestones are not experienced in isolation but in a sociocultural context in which a young person is embedded in a family, peer group, neighborhood, school, church, youth group, and so on. In terms of ministry recommendations, it is important to think through ways to walk with youth while appreciating these other elements of their sociocultural context. It is important, too, to consider ways in which voices from these other parts of their life speak into the decisions they face around sexual identity and faith.
Emerging Sexual Identities
We are seeing increasingly diverse expressions of sexual identity among youth. In other words, while we often talk about a young person being lesbian, gay, bisexual, questioning, and queer, we are seeing more variety today in sexual identity labels that extend beyond what may seem like commonplace sexual identities. These include labels such as pansexual, demisexual, bi-curious, and asexual, to list just a few.
A fascinating aspect of these emerging sexual identities lies in the way there appear to be social expectations for a fixed label for something that, for many young people, is seen as a fluid reality. That is, as sexuality and sexual identity are developing or unfolding, there is proliferation of fixed sexual identity categories that are themselves imbued with meaning and significance. These can dominate the foreground of a young person’s sexuality, which itself may be more fluid and just developing and not subject to the splintering of sexual identity categorizations. Young people are left to determine, even at the very onset of puberty, whether they are attracted to men, women, both, people of various emerging gender identities (e.g., gender queer, gender fluid, gender non-binary, bi-gender), transgender persons, attracted to people for their qualities and not based on their gender, or do not experience any level of attraction (see Yarhouse & Sadusky, 2020). Teens are given language every day for categorizing themselves and others with respect to sexual preferences that may not be well understood. These emerging sexual identity labels are often held on to with absolute certainty by young people, regardless of the degree to which they currently express their sexuality or have ever been sexually active. For instance, we have met with youth who identify as asexual while being in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex. This complicates the understanding of what such labels mean, and the moral value attached to identifying as something beyond the labels of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or heterosexual.
Constraints
What we have found is that ministers often become reactive to the labels themselves, especially being unsure what these labels mean (see Yarhouse & Zaporozhets, 2019). What often happens is that young people are given either proscriptive or prescriptive constraints around language. A proscriptive constraint communicates to a teen the message that they are not to talk about sexuality or sexual identity at all, for example, sending the message that it is taboo to discuss one’s same-sex sexuality. Alternatively, a teen can face a prescriptive constraint which communicates that they are welcome to talk about sexuality and sexual identity but only in a specific way that is predetermined in the ministry setting. This happens, for example, when people are only allowed to discuss same-sex sexuality in the past tense and as part of a testimony of God’s healing of them.
These constraints can be thought of as fear-based approaches to ministry. The constraints are often communicated in the hopes that, if we don’t make space to talk about identity labels, or only allow them to be talked about in a certain way, young people won’t be given “ideas” of labels that some ministers have deemed unhelpful. The fear is that if young people have access to such labels, they will adopt them which will ultimately give way to decisions that would put them at spiritual risk.
Constraints are often seen by ministers as a way to protect youth, but that has not yielded the desired outcome. Rather, when young people are given either proscriptive or prescriptive constraints, it does not keep them from exposure to alternative labels, but rather keeps them from sharing these concepts with trusted mentors and adults, and keeps adults from being able to speak into the labels youth are drawn to. Further, it can send unintentional messaging that sexuality is a blacklisted topic in ministry circles, or one that people in authority are not equipped to make space for.
Ministry Recommendations
In some respects, we have already begun to offer a couple of ministry recommendations. We have invited those in youth ministry and youth ministry educators to place youth navigating sexual identity and faith in developmental context. We also recommended that people in youth ministry avoid communicating constraints that reflect a kind of fear-based approach to ministry. We turn now to some additional ministry recommendations.
Minister to the Person rather than the Label
Language can be tricky in ministry. We have met with some ministers who have determined that certain labels are unacceptable in youth contexts, even without knowing the meaning behind these labels for those who are drawn to them. Christians who are concerned about certain labels often argue that people should not reduce themselves to their sexuality. These same Christians, while concerned about the way labels can reduce a young person’s dignity and value, often base accessibility to ministry groups on the label a young person does or doesn’t adopt. Thus, our initial caution is to refrain from reducing a young person to the label they adopt today, or limit their access to youth group contexts insofar as they use a label you would not choose for them.
Churches are one of the few places in which multiple generations of people coexist in fellowship. With multiple generations you run into ways in which words may mean something different to different people based on their age. One example of this is the use of the word “gay” as a public sexual identity. A teenager in your youth group may use the word “gay” to convey their sexual orientation and nothing more. However, an elder or pastor who is of another generation could hear the same word and make assumptions about values and behavior, just because of how the elder or pastor has understood the word and its connotations historically. This leads youth and others in ministry to speak past each other, even if the young person and elder have similar values around sexual ethics. In cases where a young person’s use of labels connotes a different sexual ethic than those in ministry, it is essential to consider how to position yourself as a reliable guide for the young person, rather than a combative presence.
Our recommendation is that we minister not to language so much as to the person. We always want to honor the strategies people use before we ask them to consider other options. We want to understand what any particular label means to the youth and how it came to be a compelling way they think of themselves. We would encourage you to (1) ask your youth what drew them to a particular label, and (2) how they define it (nevermind how others have defined it). This offers the youth a starting point for further conversation where you communicate a desire to know and understand their particular experience, rather than thinking the label speaks for itself. Labels have meaning, but in and of themselves they cannot possibly help us understand very much about any particular person.
Trusted adults often are thinking through unintended consequences related to the use of particular language when they express concern about labels. Some adults are concerned that adopting a certain label will prematurely “fix” a young person on a particular pathway, even when the youth is early in sexual identity exploration. Others worry that adopting a sexual identity label means that a young person is fusing their sense of self to the direction of their attractions, and denying their ultimate identity as a child of God. What we have heard from young people is that these labels are descriptive, not prescriptive of a particular path. Further, for some youth using a label does not negate other important aspects of identity, with their spiritual identity being ultimately the most important.
We would not want to say that determining the impact of a particular use of labels is irrelevant; in fact it will likely end up being a relevant discussion down the road, as it is something many youth do wrestle with at different times. However, getting a teen to use language that makes other people in church more comfortable is not itself ministry, and we would not recommend it as a starting point for ministry. It is much more helpful to minister to the person, and we want to offer a few more suggestions as expressions of that point of focus.
Minister to Questions Associated with Milestone Events
At times we have likened sexual identity development to a journey or a hike along a trail with anticipated markers along the way. The milestones, then, are predictable experiences or forks in the road that a person may face. A person has no say over some milestones, for example, whether to experience same-sex attractions, while other milestones present a person with decisions to make, such as whether to enter into a dating relationship with someone of the same sex.
We have found that there are common questions that emerge in relation to specific milestone events. We hope these questions can help guide you in how you minister to young people at particular milestone events. For instance, When it comes to awareness or discovery of same-sex attractions, youth might be asking “what is it that I am feeling?” When it comes to the initial attributions made, the question is, “how do I make sense of my same-sex sexuality?” For disclosure, that question is most often, “who can I trust with what I experience?” For engaging in same-sex sexual behavior, the question is “should I delay, refrain from, or engage in sexual behavior?” When it comes to labeling privately, youth may be asking, “how do I want to name my reality when I look at myself in the mirror?” When it comes to approaching relationships, youth may wonder, “how can my needs for intimacy be met?” When it comes to relating to the mainstream of the LGBTQ+ community, a person may ask, “How will I think of myself and my same-sex sexuality in relation to the commonly-held beliefs, values, and assumptions within the mainstream of the LGBTQ+ community?” When it comes to adopting a public sexual identity label, the question becomes, “how am I wanting to be known by others with respect to my sexuality and how that relates to my experience of my religious identity and general experience of personhood?”
We want to help position you as a reliable guide as youth navigate sexual identity and faith. Thus, knowing the deeper questions that emerge at different forks in the road is important. It also can help normalize the questions youth are asking, many of whom will have shame about even wrestling with questions such as engagement in sexual behavior, if their values are such that they see this behavior as morally impermissible. Further, privately identifying, let alone publicly identifying a particular way has been moralized in many Christian contexts. Moralizing the use of identity labels makes asking those questions openly, and receiving guidance and support in answering them, much more difficult. Opening dialogue about labels and holding a posture of curiosity can create space to discuss and critically evaluate the use of labels, without foreclosing on a label to appease adults, which often leads youth to “dig in their heels” later.
Emphasize Relationships in Ministry to Youth Navigating Sexual Identity and Faith
What we have seen in previous research with young adults in Christian institutions navigating faith and same-sex sexuality is that their experience is interpersonally mediated (Yarhouse et al., 2018). Youth who experience same-sex attractions are not a monolithic group; they are quite diverse in their experiences, attitudes, beliefs, and values. Some may really resonate with the teachings of the church they are raised in; others will quietly disagree or perhaps more vocally disagree with those teachings. But what we found with slightly older teens and young adults is that students at Christian colleges seem to be conveying that they can “agree to disagree” with a Christian institution that has policies shaped by a more traditional sexual ethic at the macro-level so long as their relationship needs are met at the micro-level. Meeting relationship needs means, in part, Christians being in relationship with them, affirming their sense of self, the image of God in them, being respectful to them, encouraging them, and so on. This is essentially being as affirmational of the person as you can be within the frame of the doctrine your church teaches about sexual behavior and relationships.
Emphasizing relationships in youth ministry also entails teaching youth a range of relationship competencies, such as communication style, problem solving, time spent together, the sharing of beliefs and values, and more. These competencies can be modeled, of course, and competencies can be pulled forward so that youth can grow in their capacity to be a source of encouragement and support to others in their life. Regardless of the particular values the youth before you adopts in the sexual realm, we can focus on improving their sense of self, their capacity for assertiveness and healthy boundary-setting, and their conflict resolution skills. All of these skills can give way to virtuous living, more meaningful relationships, and greater capacity to identify healthy people with whom to build a support system.
Co-create a Ministry Climate that is Emotionally and Spiritually Safe
Teenagers cannot grow in their faith if they do not feel emotionally and spiritually safe. What we want you to do is work with others in your church, including your adult volunteers, to co-create a ministry culture that is emotionally and spiritually safe for all teens. 1
What do we mean by emotional and spiritual safety? An emotionally and spiritually safe environment is one that is predictable and stable enough to make space for reflection, analysis, and critical thought, especially in relation to challenging topics and points of tension. For those in leadership positions, this means possessing warmth and having high expectations for youth to really immerse themselves into questions related to faith and the human experience. Emotional and spiritual safety translates into creating space for young people to explore, ask questions, challenge, and especially doubt. Much spiritual harm (e.g., creating a perceived rift between oneself and God) is done when questions and doubts are pathologized or made to be a reflection on the person’s level of sanctity. A safe base for questioning allows youth to bring forth their own questions without forcing them to foreclose on a particular answer in a time-specific period.
Shame is a powerful and debilitating emotional experience. Whereas guilt says “that thing I did was bad,” toxic shame says “I am bad.” For youth navigating same-sex sexuality, this is a frequent challenge, functioning both as a barrier to an open relationship with God, and to an open, vulnerable, and intimate relationship with other Christians, including family and friends. Holding this in mind, safety also will allow youth to share their relational questions and struggles in a non-shaming environment. This means acknowledging again and again that the Christian life is one of pursuit of the good, and often mistaking sin for that which is good. When it comes to sexual identity exploration, inevitably there are moral questions and moral failings that emerge. To make ministry environments safe is to be able to tolerate ambiguity, and especially moments where complexity makes it hard for youth to see with absolute assurance their pathway moving forward.
Emphasize Multiple Pathways for Holiness
Some of the normative structures in Christian faith communities, especially a frequently unspoken but undeniable emphasis on marriage as more valuable than singleness, makes the lives of people navigating same-sex sexuality and faith immensely painful. Because of the emphasis on marriage as the primary and preferred vocation, many Christian sexual minorities cannot see a vision forward if they adhere to a traditional sexual ethic. In fact, the number one thing we have heard from sexual minority youth is that they expect loneliness, and thus misery, if they were to be single over the span of their life. Discovering ways for the nuclear and church family to expand and include those who are not married is an essential point of focus in ecclesial communities today. The health of married and single people alike will suffer if as the single and married are isolated from one another. Further, the sustainability of a healthy single Christian vocation hinges on the valuing of this pathway as one among others that are meaningful ways to live a vibrant life. Flowing from this, we recommend offering models of singleness that have found sustainable ways to navigate loneliness, life transitions, and difficulties within a rich community.
Emphasize Discipleship in Ministry to Youth Navigating Sexual Identity and Faith
One mistake we see in ministry is an emphasis on pushing teens to get the questions about same-sex sexual behavior and relationships “right” before they can enter into fellowship and discipleship. This ordering of ministry has not made sense to us. We encourage you to disciple youth in their walk with Christ, to take that relationship seriously, and to prioritize conversations centered around cultivating it, so that they can grow in-depth in their relationship with Christ and in spiritual maturity. Indeed, we want that relationship and its depth and breadth to inform future decisions they will face with respect to their same-sex sexuality.
Regardless of the way a teen may answer questions related to same-sex sexuality, discipleship is at its best when it moves a youth towards more virtuous living. Christian history upholds virtues that include temperance, prudence, justice, and courage. Rather than hyperfocusing discipleship around behavioral compliance, we would recommend broadening discipleship towards a life that allows youth to exercise self-control, discernment and right judgment, a sense of right and wrong and pursuit of the good, and the strength to pursue the good to the end.
It is unfortunate that many of the youth we have worked with feel as if their experience of same-sex sexuality precludes them from a relationship with God or the capacity for Christian virtue. If they are being told they are unable to have a relationship with God, they can be made to feel that they have “made the wrong choice” with how to integrate sexuality, whether it be by labels chosen, past engagement in same-sex sexual relationships and/or sexual behaviors, or advocacy for related political positions, and that any number of these choices could preclude them from a life in Christ. Insofar as this is the message sent, teens often experience a sense of pressure that either leads them to delay sexual identity exploration, for fear of “getting it wrong,” or prematurely land on a position devoid of spiritual discernment because they don’t want to know what God thinks of them and their decisions (assuming it will be too demanding). We acknowledge that youth may have received messages that signaled that their attractions inhibit God’s work in their life at some point. Those in youth ministry can challenge this notion and create space for youth to discover God’s plan for their sexuality moving forward, without them feeling like self-rejection is the only option.
Moving towards a Stewardship Model
The model we offer youth today is one of stewardship of their sexuality. In Christian communities, the concept of stewardship is affirmed as a way to glorify God with financial means, material resources, and personal strengths. We extend this to the discussion of sexuality as well. What does it mean to be a good steward of the sexual desires a person has? Rather than focusing on whether a person was born with these desires or not, we shift the attention to how a person can steward their sexuality as it is, and bring it to God for direction on how to have an integrated sexuality, by which we mean a sexuality that is integrated into the whole person. This is distinct from a repressive or prohibitive model, where youth are expected to discern a path forward rooted in a theology of what they cannot do, without ever offering a vision for what they can do in and with their sexual impulses. This approach is also differentiated from a liberty model, where youth are offered absolute autonomy over what they can do in and with their sexual impulses.
Above all else, we would recommend that you clearly state that God is not surprised by your youth’s attractions, or scandalized by the questions they are asking. Nor is God scrambling for a plan B when it comes to their life. God has a plan A for their life, in and through the challenges they face, including what it means to navigate attractions, desires, and longings they find themselves experiencing. God can be glorified in their life. God has answers for their questions that will lead to personal thriving and spiritual growth. Even if life in Christ demands much of them, it offers fullness that exceeds all earthly merits.
Conclusion
Sexual identity continues to be an area in which various and diverse options for identity and self-expression are available to youth. What we might think of as more established sexual identities and emerging sexual identities will continue to be a part of sexual identity development among those who experience same-sex attractions or who are exploring what their same-sex sexuality means to them in light of their faith and vice versa. As we think about educating and training youth ministers to function as trail guides ready to hike difficult terrain alongside youth, we hope that the recommendations above will be helpful in responding to the current challenges for the local church and youth ministries.
