Abstract
A quick search on Amazon results in over 10,000 resources for Christian parenting—insightful numbers that demonstrate 21st-century parents’ perceived need to understand their children, who unlike their parents are digital natives. Michelle Borba's book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, stands out as one book among 10,000 that needs to be on every Christian educator and parent's bookshelf or rather in hand digitally on their smartphones to refer to and use frequently.
With over 40 years of experience as an educator, educational psychologist, as well as a parent herself, Michele Borba, EdD, is highly qualified to help readers understand why some kids struggle and others shine. She began her teaching career in the special education classroom, moving on to become a featured expert on TV shows such as NBC's Today Show, Dateline, and Dr. Oz among others, along the way, also authoring many books on parenting, bullying, and character development. Not only her expertise, but as a respected author with an understanding of the times that digital natives must navigate, her wisdom commends her.
The book is divided into three parts: Nurturing Heart, Developing Mind, and Cultivating Will based on Aristotle's quote, “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all” (i) In Part 1, the two chapters focus on self-confidence and empathy, the foundational character strengths that all children need to flourish. Self-confidence is “the quiet understanding of ‘who I am’ that nurtures inner assuredness and appreciation of one's unique qualities, strengths, talents, and interests” (p. 30). One key in chapter 1 is to praise effort, not the end product (p. 49). In chapter 2, Borba focuses on empathy, which her TEDx Talk further explores (see Michele Borba Empathy is a Verb | Michele Borba | TEDxTraverseCity.) She also outlines the empathy ABCs: Affective, sharing others’ feelings; Behavioral, acting on compassion for others; and Cognitive, stepping into others’ shoes to understand thoughts and motivations (p. 68). Borba shares many ways to teach empathy by beginning with labeling emotions and building up to empathy in action as the end goal. In Part 2, Borba introduces self-control, integrity, and curiosity. Chapter 3 covers self-control, “… which strengthens focusing and waiting capacities; self-management to learn coping skills to regulate unhealthy emotions; and healthy decision-making so kids make safe, healthy choices” (p. 115). Chapter 4, Integrity, describes the moral compass that kids need to make choices and set boundaries based on sound judgment, and how parents are the frontline soldiers intentionally teaching them morals and the right motivation. In chapter 5, Borba encourages readers to help kids be more creative and curious by asking open-ended questions and allowing them more autonomy to choose their passions. In Part 3, Cultivating Will, Borba maintains that perseverance and optimism are in short supply in kids these days. While not simply stating her opinion, she cites research studies that support her assertion that perseverance “… is the greatest predictor of success and stronger than IQ, academic achievement, SAT scores, extra-curricular activities, and test scores” (p. 201). According to Borba, optimism, the topic of the last chapter, can be taught through optimistic thinking, assertive communication, and hope” (p. 233). Kids become thrivers able to handle life challenges with these seven character strengths: self-confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism.
The book, Thrivers, contributes to parenting and education on so many levels. Borba's personal interviews and stories pull the reader into the worlds of kids who thrive and demonstrate what it means to exhibit each character strength. Each story has its own lesson, like the one about Joshua Yandt, who chose to open the door at his high school for everyone, greeting them eye to eye and saying hello even though he had been bullied and treated poorly. His choice to empathize with those who mistreated him changed the dynamics of the entire school (p. 93). Another fitting example of resilience is the story of Elizabeth Smart. She was abducted from her own bedroom and abused for over nine months until one day a police officer recognized her and offered her freedom. Her mom gave her some advice a few weeks before she was kidnapped that stayed with her through those horrible nine months of abuse: “There were two opinions that really matter[ed] … One was God's and the other was hers [mom's] …” (p. 91). Elizabeth's mom told her she would always love her no matter what—remembering those words strengthened her throughout the entire kidnapping ordeal. Elizabeth Smart, now married and a mom, has overcome the trauma her abuser tried to instill in her with a resilience founded on her parents’ willingness to speak life and truth into her as a child. These stories are only a few of the many that Borba tells, bringing each character strength to life and capturing the essence of each one with real-life examples.
Dr. Borba also shares down-to-earth and easily implemented advice for each of the character strengths. The Age-by-Age Ideas section at the end of each chapter for each strength is worth its weight in gold. In fact, just following the advice of one or two ideas for each strength will benefit parents as they seek to instill in their kids the skills to flourish in any situation. Concrete ideas laid out for individual age levels in all seven of the character strengths include books to read, movies to watch, and activities to develop coping skills. Borba utilizes the mnemonic device of acronyms for each strength with easy-to-complete steps that fit the topic. For example, she lists the “4 Rs of moral discipline: R1: Respond calmly; R2: Review why the behavior is wrong; R3: Reflect on the behavior's effect; R4: Right the wrong” (pp. 149–150). For curiosity, she gives the acronym SPARK: “Say the problem; Positives only; Add on to create more options; Rapid-fire ideas; Keep storming until there are no more ideas or the time limit you set to brainstorm expires” (p. 180). These mnemonic devices remain in memory even after the book is closed and especially when needed to help a child learn valuable lessons in character strength. There are so many good devices, it is hard to memorize and use all of them, so readers will need to sort out the most applicable ones and set aside the others for another time.
Although this review sings praises for the wealth of information Dr. Borba provides in Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, Christian educators and parents can build on more than just character strengths with the rock-solid foundation of Jesus Christ to stand on, pointing their digital native children and students to the One who brings peace and rest from the anxieties of the 21st century. Dr. Borba gives readers ways to help kids thrive in life and not be the strivers that the stressful, anxiety-filled culture is producing; however, her book is predicated on character strengths alone. As Borba affirms, the task of parents and educators is not only character building to educate the mind, but to also educate the heart. Borba's mnemonic devices and well-researched insights ring hollow without the theologically informed melody and harmony rooted in the knowledge of and belief in the greatest conductor of all, the triune God. When educators and parents see children as made in God's image (imago dei) while seeking his wisdom and understanding together, disciplining them to become wise adults who love God and love others as themselves becomes more achievable.
Dr. Borba's extensive work in educational psychology qualifies her as an expert who cites empirical evidence from reliable research to support her argument that character strengths are a necessary part of what parents and educators need to mentor their children. While her premise that these strengths can be taught, not just caught rings true, the ontology of that practice needs to be rooted in God with discipleship as the goal. Thrivers Not Strivers gives parents and educators practical steps to be the adult disciplers that Jesus calls them to be, not just the social planners and providers that society burdens them to be. Like the sons of Issachar who “understood the signs of the times and knew the best course for Israel to take” (1 Chronicles 12:32 NLT), Christian educators and parents can find zeitgiest-ic parent coaching tips for the price of a book allowing them to mine the Egyptian gold found in the pages of Michele Borba's book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.