“I Will Never Know the Person Who I Could Have Become”: Perceived Changes in Self-Identity Among Adult Survivors of Clergy-Perpetrated Sexual Abuse

Abstract

Clergy-perpetrated sexual abuse (CPSA) during childhood represents a tragic betrayal of trust that inflicts damage on the survivor, the family, and the parish community. Survivors often report CPSA has a disturbing impact on their self-identity. Despite intense media coverage of clergy abuse globally in the Catholic Church (and other faith communities) over several decades, relatively few empirical studies have been conducted with survivors. Beyond clinical observations and advocacy group reports, very little is known about survivors’ perceptions of how the abuse impacted their long-term self-identity. Using data collected during the 2010 Health and Well-Being Survey, this qualitative analysis represents one of the first large-scale studies with a non-clinical sample of adult male survivors of CPSA from childhood (N = 205). The negative effects of the sexual abuse on participants were expressed across six domains of self-identity: (a) total self, (b) psychological self, (c) relational self, (d) gendered self, (e) aspirational self, and (f) spiritual self. These findings highlight the range and depth of self-suffering inflicted by this pernicious form of sexual violence. The findings are useful for developing clinical services for survivors, shaping public and institutional policies to address clergy-perpetrated sexual abuse, and guiding future research with this population.

Keywords

child sexual abuse clergy abuse male survivors self-identity effects of child sexual abuse on adults

Perceived Changes in Self-Identity Among Survivors of Clergy-Perpetrated Sexual Abuse (CPSA)

Members of the clergy are spiritual leaders from faith-based institutions who are entrusted to promote well-being by responding to the needs of their parishioners through religious instruction, advice, and supportive actions. Sexual abuse perpetrated by clergy members against children and adolescents is a tragic betrayal of trust, which can cause great harm to the victims (Isely, Isely, Freiburger, & McMackin, 2008), their families (Wind, Sullivan, & Levins, 2008), and parish communities (Kline, McMackin, & Lezotte, 2008). This pernicious form of child sexual abuse occurs in the context of institutional credibility and righteousness, whereby the abusers often use God and religious conditioning to silence the victims (Easton, Saltzman, & Willis, 2014; Farrell & Taylor, 2000). In the Catholic tradition, for example, a priest or bishop is described as an alter Christus (“another Christ”; Guido, 2008, p. 355) in carrying out religious duties. Survivors typically hold religious teachings as part of their core identity and may experience additional pain and suffering, including “unrelenting grief over the loss of the ‘self’” (Kline, 2007, p. 731). The nature and context of the abuse—sexual violence committed by respected officials within powerful religious institutions—creates barriers to understanding its full impact.

Nonetheless, we are learning more about the nature and scope of CPSA in childhood as survivors bravely come forward, often years or decades later, with stories of anguish, violation, and suffering. Research indicates that nearly 11,000 youth were abused by 4,392 Catholic priests (approximately 4% of priests in ministry) in the United States during a 50-year period from 1950 to 2002 (Terry, 2015). The inclusion of known cases from the following decade increases the numbers to 5% of priests and 15,000 victims (Terry, 2015). These statistics, however, constitute only reported cases within one religious tradition; the actual prevalence of CPSA in the United States, although unknown, is undoubtedly higher. Also, the majority of child victims of CPSA are boys/young men who represent 71% to 85% of known cases (Parkinson, Oates, & Jayakody, 2012; Rassenhofer, Zimmer, Sprober, & Fegert, 2015; Terry et al., 2011). These boys typically endured contact (including penetrative) sexual abuse by male religious authorities on repeated occasions (Terry et al., 2011) within a patriarchal culture. Thus, CPSA is different from other forms of child sexual abuse in that it affects a larger proportion of males and is perpetrated by trusted religious officials. Although it is not necessarily more severe, its occurrence within this particular context can shape the way the effects are experienced and understood.

The knowledge base of the general effects of child sexual abuse on boys/men has grown in the past decade. Yet, our understanding of this specific form of sexual abuse, CPSA, remains underdeveloped (Fogler, Shipherd, Clarke, Jensen, & Rowe, 2008; Isely et al., 2008). Despite intense media coverage starting with the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston in 2002 (and more recently in inquiries such as the Royal Commission in Australia), relatively few empirical studies have been conducted with clergy abuse survivors. Overall, little is known about the long-term effects of CPSA on survivors’ broader sense of themselves (i.e., self-identity) in adulthood. The knowledge gained from this investigation will inform clinical interventions and supportive services for survivors, help shape public and institutional policies responding to CPSA, and identify areas for future research.

Conceptualizations of Self-Identity

Self-identity is a complex concept that has been explored across academic disciplines and used interchangeably with terms such as self-concept, selfhood, personal identity, or sense of self (Adams & Marshall, 1996). A succinct, useful definition of identity is “. . . an internalized psychic system that integrates an individual’s inner self and the outer social world into a congruent whole” (Ferguson, 2008, p. 1162). The broader “whole” encompasses different dimensions including personal psychology, social relations or memberships, gender identification, and spiritual development (Gardiner & Kosmitzki, 2008; McCarter, 2011).

Identity formation involves cognitive processes acquired initially during adolescence, including experimentation, exploration, and self-evaluation of different roles (McCarter, 2011). This formation continues across the lifespan (Kroger, 2000) and is impacted by one’s social, cultural, and environmental context (Adams & Marshall, 1996; Gardiner & Kosmitzki, 2008). The development of self-identity serves numerous functions for individuals. A well-integrated identity provides structure for understanding one’s values, beliefs, and commitments; fosters a sense of meaning and self-efficacy; and helps individuals reach their potential by setting goals for the future (Adams & Marshall, 1996). Traumatic experiences such as sexual violence have the potential to disrupt this developmental process and undermine a survivor’s sense of personal control, harmony, and meaning (McCarter, 2011).

Self-Identity and CPSA

The experience of CPSA has been characterized as a rupture in formation or “developmental insult” (Isely et al., 2008, p. 209) for many survivors, sometimes leading to a perceived “assassination of the true self” (Kline, 2007, p. 737). The sexual violence often compromises important developmental tasks, especially for children in the modal victim population of 11 to 14 years of age, which contribute to healthy, normative development (Fogler et al., 2008). As such, CPSA has the potential to “. . . catastrophically alter the trajectory of psychosocial, sexual, and spiritual development” (Fogler et al., 2008, p. 330).

Research with male survivors of child sexual abuse, a broad category that includes (but is not limited to) CPSA, indicates that the effects of abuse often extend into adulthood. For example, child sexual abuse has been associated with an increased risk of psychological (Cutajar et al., 2010), physiological (Draper et al., 2008), and relational impairments (Kia-Keating, Sorsoli, & Grossman, 2010). Research exploring sense of self among survivors of child sexual abuse has been limited. In one qualitative study, Krayer, Seddon, Robinson, and Gwilym (2015) analyzed narratives obtained through in-depth biographic interviews with 30 adults with sexual abuse histories. The researchers identified three common views of self that emerged from participants’ stories: the worthless self, the self as unknown, and the potential/developing self. Survivors also struggled to integrate sexual abuse experiences into coherent, constructive narratives of themselves.

Few empirical studies have explicitly examined self-identity changes among adult survivors of CPSA. In a phenomenological study of seven men who were abused by priests, Fater and Mullaney (2000) found that the abuse undermined all areas of survivors’ lives and led to self-sabotage, negative self-perceptions, and social isolation. Survivors also experienced rage, trauma symptoms, depression, suicidality, and “. . . spiritual distress that pervaded their ‘life-being’” (p. 293). Another qualitative study of nine men sought to understand how CPSA affected their psychological and psychosocial functioning (Isely et al., 2008). The survivors indicated that sexual abuse caused both acute psychosocial disturbances and chronic inner turmoil that undermined development of their personal identity in adolescence and early adulthood. Longer term effects included trauma-induced moods (e.g., low self-esteem, dissociation, guilt), behavioral disturbances (e.g., sexual compulsions, social isolation), and a damaged or “counterfeit” identity.

Other research—both clinical and empirical—has examined the impact of CPSA on specific aspects of survivors’ lives. For example, some studies have focused on the spiritual trauma, including alienation from God, diminished or lost faith, and changes in religious practice, many survivors endure due to sexual violence committed by clergy members (Doyle, 2009; Pargament, Murray-Swank, & Mahoney, 2008). For example, Rossetti (1995) found that compared with non-abused participants (n = 1,376) and participants who were sexually abused by someone other than a priest (n = 307), CPSA survivors (n = 40) experienced lower levels of trust in God and the Catholic Church. Another study found that CPSA was related to spiritual injuries and less stability in spiritual behaviors (Lawson, Drebing, Berg, Vincellette, & Penk, 1998). Some researchers have investigated how child sexual abuse generally (Walker, Hernandez, & Davey, 2012), and CPSA specifically (Brady, 2008), can undermine survivors’ sexual or gender identity. Finally, Fogler et al. (2008) reviewed existing literature documenting the traumatic psychological effects of CPSA on survivors (e.g., post-traumatic stress disorder), which are likely moderated by factors such as developmental stage, victim gender, and culture/ethnicity.

Overall, despite some literature on CPSA (e.g., clinical studies, pastoral counseling articles, theoretical models), the empirical evidence base is quite limited with respect to CPSA. The few research studies that exist have design limitations (e.g., single case, small sample size, clinical sample) or focus on a single dimension of self-identity. More research is needed to explore the full range of effects of sexual violence on survivors’ sense of self, especially for boys/men who endured sexual abuse by priests and religious authorities. Systematic study of CPSA is also needed to discern recovery needs and develop evidence-based interventions designed specifically for clergy abuse survivors (e.g., Fogler et al., 2008). To address these gaps in knowledge, the purpose of this study was to identify and understand perceived negative effects of CPSA on self-identity in a large, non-clinical sample of adult men.

Method

Data Source

The current study is a secondary analysis of qualitative data collected during the 2010 Health and Well-Being Survey (Easton, 2014). That survey relied on purposive sampling from three U.S. organizations dedicated to providing support to and advocating for adults recovering from child sexual abuse: the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP), MaleSurvivor, and 1in6.org. All of these organizations posted a study announcement online; SNAP also sent recruitment emails to its members. The eligibility criteria for the study included being male, 18 years of age or older, and sexually abused before the age of 18. During an 8-week period in the summer of 2010, data were collected from 487 men through an anonymous, online survey, which included several open-ended items (for more information on recruitment or the survey, see Easton, 2014). Human participants approval for the secondary analysis was received from the Institutional Review Board at a U.S. research university in the Northeast.

Sample

The current study was based on a single, open-ended item from the original survey: “Some research indicates that child sexual abuse can negatively affect a person’s self-identity. Please describe how (if at all) the sexual abuse has affected your self-identity.” Men responded to this item by typing a narrative response of unlimited length; actual responses ranged in length from a few words to more than 700 words. Because of our focus on understanding the negative effects of a specific form of child sexual abuse—CPSA—we selected cases (N = 309) in which respondents indicated that their abuser was a member of the clergy (e.g., priest, nun). Among this group, 210 men provided a response to the open-ended item (68.0%). Upon further analysis, five cases were excluded because they contained uninterpretable responses such as “not applicable.” Thus, the final sample consisted of 205 men with histories of CPSA.

To assess the possibility of selection bias, a detailed comparison of respondents with non-respondents was conducted. The analysis found no significant differences between the two groups on demographic background variables and most sexual abuse characteristics. The only exception was that the mean age at the time of the sexual abuse was slightly lower for respondents (11.3 years) compared with non-respondents (12.1 years, p < .05).

The sample ranged in age from 27 to 78 years (M = 52.03 years, SD = 10.1 years). The majority of respondents were Caucasian (90.6%), members of a national survivor organization (89.7%), and cohabitating with a partner or spouse (70.1%). The mean level of annual household income was 6.38 (range = 1-12), which corresponded with US$60,000 to US$69,000. The level of education was as follows: high school or less (8.9%), some college (30.6%), bachelor’s degree (31.0%), and graduate degree (29.6%). For characteristics of the sexual abuse, most respondents reported that the abuser was male (98.5%) and that the abuse lasted more than 6 months (67.8%). More than half of participants stated that the abuse involved penetration (52.2%); slightly more than one third (36.9%) indicated that the abuser used physical force during the sexual abuse. One in five men (20.3%) stated that they were physically injured from the sexual abuse.

Data Analysis

The data were analyzed using qualitative conventional content analysis, an analytical approach appropriate for research areas, such as identity change among survivors of CPSA, which lack extensive literature or theories (Hsieh & Shannon, 2005). The first two authors met regularly over the course of 7 months to thoroughly analyze the data and identify descriptive codes (Miles & Huberman, 1994). These codes captured the key ideas related to our primary research question:

Research Question 1: What are the perceived negative effects of CPSA during childhood on the self-identity of survivors in adulthood?

The data analysis process consisted of several phases. In the initial phase, the researchers independently completed a line-by-line, word-by-word review of the first half of the data. Upon completion, regular meetings were then held to analyze and discuss initial interpretations. During these meetings, the researchers elicited in vivo codes (Miles & Huberman, 1994), remaining true to the participants’ responses and free of a theoretical lens (Hsieh & Shannon, 2005). A preliminary code list was developed and then used to analyze the second half of the data, with openness to the discovery of new codes. The validity of codes was bolstered through ongoing discussion of analytic decisions until consensus emerged with regard to each participant response. This initial phase of analysis resulted in the discovery of 72 codes.

The next phase of analysis consisted of a rigorous review of the entire data set in which the researchers looked across codes for similarities of experience. This review led to a higher level of description of the in vivo codes from the initial phrase. In this middle phase of analysis, the code list was revised dozens of times: Some new codes were added, many existing codes were collapsed and re-categorized, and definitions of codes were developed. The result of this phase of analysis was a revised code list consisting of 39 descriptive codes with definitions.

In a later phase of analysis, relationships between and across codes were elucidated and themes were identified. This led to the development and definition of 14 organizing themes. The authors further developed the themes through another rigorous review of each participant response in relation to all assigned themes. This data checking process further verified and refined the themes. Last, the researchers also examined relationships across and between themes, leading to the identification of broader domains or clusters of related themes. These efforts resulted in a final reorganization of the data into six major domains with 14 themes. A detailed audit trail was maintained throughout the analytic process.

After completion of data analysis, a validity check of interpretive convergence was conducted with a research assistant, a master’s level graduate student in social work. Initially, 10% of the data were randomly selected, extracted, and imported into a Word file. The research assistant then coded the data using the final code list. Her decisions were compared with those of the researchers, resulting in an acceptable inter-coder agreement rate of 84.4% (Neuendorf, 2002).

Findings

The negative effects of CPSA on participants’ self-identity were expressed in the data across six domains (see Table 1). The emergent domains included the total self, in addition to more differentiated elements of identity including the psychological self, relational self, gendered self, aspirational self, and spiritual self. All the domains (except one) were substantiated by multiple themes. Nearly half the participants (48.1%) reported effects that were classified into multiple domains. The domains and themes are described below with illustrative quotes from participants.

Table 1.

Major Findings Classified by Domain of Self-Identity (N = 205).

Domain/Themes	% of Sample
A. Total self	23.9
1. Underdeveloped self-identity
2. Disconnected sense of self
B. Psychological self	47.8
1. Mental health problems
2. Self-harming behaviors
3. Low self-esteem
C. Relational self	34.2
1. General passivity
2. Relationship problems with men and authorities
3. Intimate relationship problems
4. Social isolation/stigma
D. Gendered self	24.9
1. Sexual orientation concerns
2. Compromised masculine identity
E. Aspirational self	17.1
1. Lack of success (work/school)
2. Loss of future hopes/dreams
F. Spiritual self	6.3

Note. The percentages do not sum to 100% because many participants’ responses were classified into multiple domains/themes.

Total Self

Many participants (23.9%) indicated that their entire sense of self was negatively affected by CPSA. Total self was described by the men as a broader understanding of self-identity and one’s place in the world. For example, one man succinctly stated that due to being sexually abused by a priest, “I don’t know who I am” (Participant 508). More specifically, the sexual violence resulted in an underdeveloped self-identity and a disconnected, fragmented self-identity.

Underdeveloped self-identity

Many participants described their self-identity as underdeveloped or non-existent. For these men, being sexually abused delayed their identity formation for years, often resulting in an immature self-identity. One participant explained,

For about 24 years, it really prevented me from being very active toward my life. Like a psychological castration. While I greatly enjoy my life now, the trajectory was greatly affected by the abusive experience. A certain “retardation” if you will of what might have been. (Participant 135)

Other men described their compromised identity in terms of an existential crisis. The self-identity that they held in adolescence and early adulthood was lost, often in response to a later cognitive realization related to the abuse experience. Participant 130 wrote, “I started realizing its effect on me about 10 years ago (abuse happened 45 years ago). The ‘self-identity’ I carried for 35 years was a lie. I do not believe I have developed a ‘new’ one yet.” For some men, the sexual abuse completely prevented them from developing an identity. As one man stated, “I don’t have an identity. I am just a shell” (Participant 175).

Disconnected sense of self

Some participants described a disconnection or contradiction between the external presentation of themselves to others and their internal perception of themselves. These men described a confident, humorous, and “good” exterior coupled with a vulnerable, “small,” and angry inner self. As recounted by Participant 87, “The phrase ‘egomaniac with an inferiority complex’ describes it perfectly. My behavior and appearance suggest self-confidence and perfectionism but my inner perception of myself is one of inadequacy, shame, dirtiness, and ugliness.” Participants acknowledged difficulty in trying to simultaneously protect a wounded inner self and live up to an external image. A prominent feature of self-protection was nondisclosure of the sexual abuse and a post-abuse self-identity characterized by secrecy and hiding. As stated by Participant 492, “I would have to say that having been sexually abused . . . is a part of your self-identity [in] that you are constantly trying to cover-up. You really don’t want anyone else to know.”

Psychological Self

The most frequently endorsed domain in our findings was psychological self (47.8%), which consisted of three themes: mental health problems, self-harming behaviors, and low self-esteem. In our analysis, psychological self differed from total self in that it refers to the internal psyche, whereas the latter is a more holistic, general understanding of self-identity. Responses ranged in severity from negative self-appraisal to complete dysfunction and crippling mental illness, all of which undermined their sense of self.

Mental health problems

As an after-effect of the CPSA, many participants described a psychological identity marked by mental health problems. The responses included references to mental health diagnoses, symptoms of a mental health disorder, or treatments (e.g., therapy, hospitalization). Some of the symptoms included feelings of sadness, anxiousness, panic attacks, dissociation, uncontrolled or overwhelming anger, hypervigilance, obsessions, avoidance, and suppressed memories. A few participants reported religious delusions: “Catholic ritual abuse systematically produced messianic delusions . . .” (Participant 187) and “I thought that I was actually pure evil . . . somehow I was chosen to be the anti-Christ and it seemed that anyone who got close to me would get hurt or die” (Participant 320).

The impact of the sexual abuse on mental health was completely debilitating for some participants. One man wrote that he experienced “anxiety to the point where it prevented [him] from being able to function and hold a job” (Participant 306). Participant 456 explained, “Those five years [of sexual abuse by a priest] ruined everything. My self-identity is sad, melancholic, shy, retiring, and angry. Never happy, never satisfied, never content or at peace.” Some responses reflected extensive efforts by survivors to cope with CPSA and improve their mental health: “I spent years in therapy, 3 hospitalizations, medications for everything from depression to OCD” (Participant 1). Another man wrote that he had more than 400 appointments with various mental health professionals, but that “. . . everything is still locked in my head” (Participant 383).

Self-harming behaviors

A second way that the psychological self was negatively impacted was through self-harming behaviors, often described as efforts to self-medicate or ease the pain from the sexual abuse by the clergy member. Participants described engaging in behaviors they knew were risky and potentially dangerous to themselves, including deviance and criminality, drug and alcohol use/abuse, risky sex, compulsive behaviors, suicide attempts, and general risk taking. For example, Participant 383 stated that he “. . . used alcohol 7 days a week for 24 years as a pain reliever.” Participant 290 wrote about substance use and suicidality:

It was like being in a totally dark room and someone or something in that room keeps hurting you but you can’t see where the pain is coming from, you can’t protect yourself. You try everything you can think of, but each solution only causes you more pain. You come to feel that you are not even real, you are this big cosmic joke and the only way to stop the joke is to end your life.

Another participant echoed these feelings by writing that he “. . .wanted to die since an early age, every potential opportunity to commit suicide was fantasized about, jumping in a fire, jumping off a cliff, driving into a semi-truck, shooting myself, hanging myself, etc.” (Participant 487). He continued, “I fought this down all my life, so what does that say about my self-identity—I feel like I didn’t have one, except to try and control my suicidalness, anger, and depression.”

Low self-esteem

The most commonly mentioned theme in our findings was that sexual abuse undermined survivors’ self-identity through low self-esteem. Many participants used words such as feeling inferior, worthless, weak, undeserving, unsure, confused, and self-loathing or stated simply that they had low self-esteem. Shame and guilt figured prominently in these findings as men blamed themselves for the sexual abuse and became highly judgmental and hypercritical of themselves. An extreme manifestation of this self-judgment was expressed by one survivor: “I spent a lot of time thinking I was going hell” (Participant 474). In comparison with peers, some participants felt inadequate because they were “. . . inherently damaged goods . . .” (Participant 331), “. . . had an inferiority feeling for most of my life” (Participant 46), and were “. . . less of a person than everyone” (Participant 458).

Relational Self

Another domain undermined by CPSA was the relational or social self. Almost one third of participants (34.2%) perceived damage in how they relate to others and in actions or behaviors within relationships. The negative impacts on relational self-identity included general passivity in relationships, problems with men and authority figures, difficulty maintaining healthy intimate relationships, and disconnection or isolation from others.

General passivity

Participants described their relational self-identity as characterized by passivity in relationships. Some participants described relationships that were either abusive or dysfunctional. As a result of CPSA, Participant 389 stated, “I let people take advantage of me. I (have) been in abusive relationships.” In addition to being in relationships with a strong or controlling partner, participants also described their own behaviors as submissive in relationships. Participant 446 wrote, “The abuse created a sense of myself as someone who is acted upon rather than acts, someone passive rather than active.”

Relationship problems with men and authorities

Another aspect of relational self-identity negatively affected by CPSA was relationships with men and sources of authority (both individuals and institutions). For example, participants wrote that they were “. . . not comfortable around other men” (Participant 347) and “. . . hated being around men . . .” (Participant 15). In some cases, participants felt more comfortable around women: “I am extremely comfortable relating to women but most uncomfortable relating to men . . .” (Participant 185). Furthermore, participants expressed a lack of trust in authority, including both individuals in positions of power and institutions (e.g., Catholic Church). Several participants highlighted this suspicion of institutions: “I thought everything, that is every group and institution was hiding something and corrupted” (Participant 462) and “I hated badges, buttons, vestments, uniforms and all other trappings of authority, and I’m not impressed with them to this day” (Participant 474).

Intimate relationship problems

Participants explained that CPSA had negatively impacted their relational self-identity in terms of intimate relationships. Participant 193 wrote, “Thanks to the sexual abuse [by] clergy, I am still unmarried and celibate my entire life. What more can be said than [the priests] completely ruined my life.” Many men said that, due to being sexually abused by a clergy member, they experienced social problems such as emotional unavailability, difficulties with intimacy, and sexual dysfunction. These problems often impaired past and current relationships. One participant stated, “Problems with relationships with the opposite sex my whole life made me think something was wrong with me. Intimacy is a big issue” (Participant 16). While some men had “. . . great difficulties with sexual intimacy” (Participant 209), a few participants expressed tendencies toward promiscuity:

I struggle with monogamy with the most wonderful person of 12 years, and I have cheated numerous times in bathrooms, cars, places on the go, and it has led to a constant unhappiness in what started as a wonderful marriage. (Participant 374)

Furthermore, some men indicated that complete codependence, whereby they allowed their spouse/partner to define their identity, was a consequence of the sexual abuse. Participant 184 said, “I thought I did not have the right to disagree with my wife, that I had to put her feelings and the marriage first, at all costs. I had no identity in the relationship . . . .”

Social isolation/stigma

In addition to alterations of relational self within relationships, many participants reported that the sexual abuse led to feelings of separation, isolation, and an inability to fit in. Since the time of the abuse, one participant has tried to “. . . keep [his] head low and avoid attention” (Participant 287), while another said that his “. . . self-identity has been scarred to be untrusting, avoidant, and to stay in hiding” (Participant 327). Other men mentioned feeling shy, introverted, socially awkward, and “unable to identify with anybody” (Participant 6). As a result of the abuse, participants saw themselves as living life on the fringes of society and never connecting to a larger community: “The biggest impairment [on self-identity] is the feeling of ‘being on the outside’” (Participant 136).

A central reason for the feelings of isolation and disconnection was the stigma associated with being a survivor of CPSA. For example, participants wrote, “I became a victim, survivor. Not a real person. I was labeled” (Participant 1) and “. . . people make [clergy sexual abuse] my identity” (Participant 73). In addition to the public perception as a victim, participants noted that they felt stigmatized in other ways as well. Because nearly all the abusers were men, some survivors experienced stigma based on the belief that people might assume that they were homosexual. Still other participants worried about a contagion effect whereby people who knew about the abuse might view them as future abusers. Participant 205 explained, “I also do not like the stigma attached to the abuse that some people may now think I am capable of being an abuser. I often think that it is in the back of people’s minds.”

Gendered Self

One fourth of participants (24.9%) described the sexual abuse as negatively affecting their gendered self-identity. This domain includes the themes of sexual orientation concerns and compromised masculine identity, likely a result of being victimized by other men.

Sexual orientation concerns

Many participants indicated that the sexual abuse—perpetrated almost exclusively in this sample by priests or male clergy members—directly impacted or affected their sexual orientation. Some participants expressed conflict between their sexual desires or behavior and their sense of sexual identity. One man summarized the conflict: “I have struggled all my life trying to identify just what my sexual orientation really is. I present myself as hetero, but prefer same gender sex, although I have had sex with males and females” (Participant 282). Participants reported experiencing confusion related to sexual orientation:

I am a gay adult male. Since my first homosexual experience was abusive and with a Catholic priest, I did not come to terms with my homosexuality in a healthy manner. I was confused about my sexuality and failed to realize that homosexuality was “normal” for me. (Participant 17)

In addition, both homosexual and heterosexual participants expressed concern that the abuse had in some way influenced their sexual preference. Participant 205 reflected, “I have often wondered whether or not the abuse caused me to be gay.”

Compromised masculine identity

Participants reported that being sexually abused undermined or impaired their ability to identify with gender norms associated with a masculine ideal. Participant 27 wrote, “At the time it appeared to me . . . that my masculinity was ruined/destroyed.” Others felt like they had to consistently demonstrate their masculinity to others: “I have had to prove my masculinity with many partners, be seen with the right people” (Participant 321). Conversely, a few participants de-identified with the masculine gender and sought safety in androgyny or transgender behaviors. As Participant 290 stated,

I somehow had it in my four-year old head that bad things happen to boys so if I was a girl I would be safe. This progressed from fantasy and wishing to cross-dressing to, at one point, seriously considering . . . sexual reassignment.

Aspirational Self

A smaller group of men (17.1%) indicated that CPSA negatively impacted their aspirational self, a part of self-identity that emerged as goal oriented or future oriented. Participants noted damage to their ability to achieve success in work or school. Furthermore, participants described an inability to set goals or see a positive future after CPSA.

Lack of success in work or school

Participants reported that their profession or career was undermined by CPSA. Participant 21 stated, “It [has] hampered me all my working life . . . Inability to compete with others and even the easiest learning tasks became difficult.” Other responses included, “I have bounced from job to job in a wide variety of careers” (Participant 185) and “I have a hard time holding a job or finishing school” (Participant 389). Some participants indicated that they were unable to see themselves as successful despite acknowledged success. Participant 54 wrote,

I am never really happy with myself. I always tend to think I am on the failing side of a situation. I do not think I deserve the things I have earned and cannot think of myself as successful even though I am. I would gladly sequester myself for the rest of my life.

Loss of future hopes and dreams

Some men indicated that the CPSA compromised their pursuit or attainment of larger life goals. As a result of the CPSA, one man concisely stated: “. . . my hopes have stopped” (Participant 114). The sexual abuse prevented other participants from seeing themselves in the future, with goals, aspirations, and dreams: “. . . All of the dreams I held as a younger man have become ethereal and insignificant” (Participant 134). Participants also described an overwhelming feeling of regret in that they could have had a positive future if they had not been sexually abused by the clergy member. Participant 66 wrote, “I will never know the person I could have become and the relationships I might have had and the experiences I would have enjoyed or not . . . there is not control for me and who I am.” Finally, Participant 276 powerfully expressed his sense of lost potential: “If it weren’t for the despicable filthy f***ing priest Fr. [name redacted] that molested me, I would have gone to college and done something better with my life . . . He ruined my self-identity.”

Spiritual Self

Participants reported that the sexual abuse negatively impacted their spiritual self. Although spiritual self was the least frequently endorsed domain in our findings (6.3%), it represents an essential component of self for many men. Due to being sexually abused by a member of the clergy (and subsequent negative responses from the Catholic Church as described by survivors), participants described a loss of faith or cessation of religious practice rooted in a mistrust of religious authority. Some responses included the following: “I have completely changed my religion based on the abusive response I got from the hierarchy and former ‘friends’ in the Catholic Church” (Participant 172), “. . . complete loss of faith in a God and lonely” (Participant 439), and “I wish abusers were appropriately punished. Not transfer to a new place to abuse others. I think Catholicism should be abolished in America” (Participant 157). Other participants described how the abuse of power by a cleric led to a profound loss of religious identity, an essential part of themselves. Participant 341 wrote, “I lost the identity of my faith for a while—something that was ‘core’ to me.” Finally, some men retained their faith but expressed changes in religious practices (e.g., cessation of attending service), memberships (e.g., severing ties with religious organizations), or career path (e.g., abandoning a religious vocation). One participant concluded,

I blamed the Catholic Church for it and it made me steer away from my faith I was brought up in. Do I believe in a God . . . yes. Do I believe in the Pope, the Vatican, the Catholic Church . . . NO! (Participant 293)

Discussion

As one form of sexual assault, CPSA undermines the long-term human identity, congruency, and well-being of its survivors. This study, the largest of its type to focus on CPSA and self-identity, has found considerable evidence that CPSA negatively impacts various domains of survivor self-identity: total self, psychological self, relational self, gendered self, aspirational self, and spiritual self. The findings are consistent with theories of self-identity, which posit that the broader whole consists of different dimensions of self (Gardiner & Kosmitzki, 2008; McCarter, 2011) and underscore the complexities of self-suffering experienced by CPSA survivors. While many findings are consistent with the broad knowledge base on the effects of child sexual abuse generally, they also offer specific insights into the context of CPSA and its impact on survivors’ self-identity. The findings also extend and deepen previous research on self-identity and sexual abuse (e.g., Krayer et al., 2015), thereby expanding the knowledge base on male survivors of CPSA. However, further research is needed to understand the unique experience of CPSA, and how its survivors may differ from other child sexual abuse survivors.

The domain of total self underscores the pervasiveness and magnitude of the personal damage that CPSA inflicts on survivors. Many participants described a general sense of not knowing who they are, a disintegration of their whole being, or the need to hide their true self. Participants experienced a contradiction between their exterior self (in which they projected strength and self-confidence) and their inner self (characterized by insecurities, pain, fragility, and feelings of shame and weakness). These findings support existing studies in which CPSA affected survivors’ entire life-being (Fater & Mullaney, 2000), resulting in the destruction of the authentic self (Kline, 2007) and development of an artificial identity (Isely et al., 2008).

In addition, participants expressed deep concerns that CPSA undermined their mental health (psychological self), ability to form healthy relationships (relational self), and pursuit of occupational or educational goals (aspirational self). These findings are consistent with literature that more broadly describes the long-term effects of child sexual abuse on men (O’Leary, Easton, & Gould, 2017), including psychological (Cutajar et al., 2010) and social problems (Kia-Keating et al., 2010). The findings also align with the few empirical studies of CPSA survivors that document psychological and interpersonal damage (e.g., Fater & Mullaney, 2000; Isely et al., 2008).

Gender and sexual identity concerns were featured in many of the men’s responses in this study. Men reported that their sense of masculinity was compromised and that their sexual orientation involved confusion and fear of others’ perceptions, including the possibility that they were homosexual. These findings are similar to results from other studies drawn from the general populations of male survivors of child sexual abuse (Kia-Keating et al., 2010; O’Leary et al., 2017). However, because nearly all reported perpetrators of CPSA are male (Parkinson et al., 2012; Rassenhofer et al., 2015; Terry et al., 2011), our study found that the intensity of these gender-related issues was particularly high. Combined with the issue of silencing due to the esteem and trust that is characteristic of ecclesiastical offenders (Easton et al., 2014), the domain of gender identity should be a critical area for practitioners working with men with histories of CPSA.

Although the current study did not focus on spiritual trauma directly, it was referenced by participants within the domain of the spiritual self. The responses within this domain support previous research on spiritual damage from CPSA (Doyle, 2009; Pargament et al., 2008). However, the frequency of responses was much lower than expected. This may have been due to design issues in the original survey. The wording of the item on self-identity was broad, open-ended, and did not explicitly focus on spirituality. Participants may not have associated spiritual problems with self-identity, per se. Also, many participants referred to religion and spirituality on other open-ended items in the survey. Examples of responses to other open-ended prompts included, “The Catholic Church makes me sick to my stomach” (Participant 21), “[the abuse] caused me to nearly completely lose faith. This was a huge part of my life growing up. Now I have pretty much nothing” (Participant 178), and “[My] religious faith has been destroyed” (Participant 68). These survivors may have felt that the topic was sufficiently covered prior to completing the item on self-identity, which came later in the survey.

Despite the limited number of responses that explicitly referenced the spiritual self in the current analysis, there was evidence of (and connections to) spiritual trauma in responses within other domains of self-identity. For example, participants referred to messianic delusions (psychological self) and distrust of men and institutions due to cover-ups in the Catholic Church (relational self). Similar to previous studies (Rossetti, 1995), we found evidence of diminished trust in God, the Catholic Church, and other people. Many participants expressed feeling socially isolated, including separation from important forms of social support such as members of their (former) faith communities. The spiritual impact of CPSA on survivors across a number of domains suggests that this abuse context impacts meaning-making and intensifies the sense of injustice due to historically inadequate responses to CPSA from religious institutions. Thus, the spiritual self should be considered an important intervention target for clinical and pastoral counseling work with survivors.

Policy and Practice Implications

In terms of implications, it is critical to reduce barriers to mental health services (e.g., cost, access, stigma) for male survivors of CPSA through the provision of efficient, low-cost psychological assessment and treatment. More specifically, mental health practitioners working with survivors should recognize the interconnected nature of the various domains of self-identity and incorporate a holistic approach to treatment; helping clients articulate and embrace their authentic self should be included as an intervention goal. Although helping a client rediscover, recover, or redefine their global self-identity represents a formidable clinical challenge, a strategy to promote healing could include the interpretation, integration, and creation of meaning from the abuse experience. Because of the toxicity of CPSA and its potential to corrode adult well-being, addressing these issues earlier in the lifespan could prevent years of suffering.

Clinical interventions are also needed to improve the psychological, relational, and aspirational health of adult survivors of CPSA. Mental health practitioners should carefully evaluate survivors for the possibility of compulsive behaviors (e.g., substance abuse), low self-esteem, and suicidality. Clinical emphasis on relationship building is needed to improve survivors’ ability to trust others, foster relationships with other men, and improve relationships with a spouse/partner. Clinicians should assess the presence and extent of vocational problems with clients and, if necessary, connect them to resources for career and educational guidance. Promoting realistic goal-setting and problem-solving skills could help clients reach personal goals and experience themselves as a successful person. To further assist survivors’ aspirational self, support could also include access to career counselors and continuing education scholarships and opportunities. All these clinical services could be enhanced with the use of gender-appropriate approaches that are mindful of the unique obstacles to service engagement for male survivors of sexual violence (Foster, Boyd, & O’Leary, 2012).

Given the widespread impact of CPSA on survivors’ sense of self (including spirituality), efforts to reach out to survivors by religious institutions will necessarily require a long-term commitment and substantial investment. Beyond financial settlements, it is clear that regaining the trust of the victims, their families, and other parishioners will require persistent efforts by church officials, such as a credible process for investigating and addressing new clergy abuse allegations. These processes need to be characterized by transparency, accountability, timeliness, and independence. There are some recent and potentially important international developments that reflect greater public scrutiny of churches and the commissioning of public inquiries, but continued action is needed. A broader, more comprehensive approach by religious institutions could include funding clinical assessments and treatment programs for survivors and reaching out to (and communicating with) survivor advocacy groups. Religious institutions need to continue to publicly acknowledge the extent of the damage caused by CPSA for survivor self-identity and spirituality and provide space within their faith communities for full and open discussion of CPSA. Practitioners should help survivors explore and manage issues of faith, trust in institutions, and the psychological impact of spiritual trauma.

Limitations and Directions for Future Research

While interpreting the results of the study, several limitations should be kept in mind. This secondary analysis was restricted by the original data collection method: an anonymous, online survey that included a single, open-ended item on self-identity. Furthermore, the prompt did not provide a specific definition of self-identity. Despite several benefits of this research design, the researchers were not able to ask clarifying or follow-up questions regarding participants’ conceptualization of self-identity and the effects of CPSA. Second, most participants were recruited through (and members of) existing national survivor organizations, thereby restricting the generalizability of the results. Membership in survivor organizations could signal that a survivor has received support and is progressing toward recovery, or, conversely, that a survivor has high levels of distress, which motivated him to access recovery resources. Future research should investigate self-identity changes among men with histories of CPSA in the general population who have no connection to survivor organizations.

Finally, our analysis of the effects of CPSA on self-identity did not include comparisons of survivor perspectives across faith communities, ethnic groups, or other forms of child sexual abuse. It is entirely possible, for example, that there are important nuances in self-identity change due to religious, spiritual, or cultural factors, all of which deserve further exploration. In addition, our findings suggest some harmful impacts on self-identity that may be unique to CPSA. However, the study design did not permit differential assessment of outcomes between CPSA and other forms of child sexual abuse. Future studies that employ designs with subgroups (i.e., non-abused, sexually abused by priests, sexually abused by someone other than a priest) such as Rossetti (1995) could address this important issue.

The findings in this study have other important implications for future research with survivors of CPSA. With all of its complexities and dimensions, self-identity is a dynamic concept that is impacted and influenced by social, cultural, and environmental factors that change over time (Adams & Marshall, 1996; Gardiner & Kosmitzki, 2008). Understanding the formation and development of identity, as well as the impact of early traumatic life events such as CPSA, could be enhanced through studies with longitudinal designs. The findings would inform clinical interventions that could be tailored to different age groups or life stages. Another area for future research is the spiritual health of survivors of CPSA. A more focused investigation that explores spiritual damage from CPSA could elicit valuable information for the design of interventions that address the complex, multidimensional spiritual needs of survivors.

This study makes a substantial contribution to the limited knowledge on male survivors of CPSA. It highlights the significant impact of CPSA on identity and provides considerations for clinical and public responses. However, more research is also needed with a neglected subpopulation of CPSA victims: female survivors. Researchers have established that a significant number of girls/woman are sexually abused by clergy members (Terry et al., 2011), but there are few empirical studies with this population (e.g., Flynn, 2008). Due to the likelihood of subtle differences in the negative effects of CPSA based on the gender of survivors, more knowledge of female survivors could improve clinical services vital to their healing and recovery.

Footnotes

Acknowledgements

The authors are grateful to Dr. Paul Kline for his review of the article and Ellen Sophis and Jooyoung Kong for assistance with article preparation.

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: This study received funding through the Boston College Office of the Provost (Research Incentive Grant).

Author Biographies

Scott D. Easton, PhD, is an assistant professor in the School of Social Work at Boston College. He has several years of clinical practice experience with adults and has researched and published primarily on the mental health of men with histories of child sexual abuse. He also serves on the Review Board of the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston.

Danielle M. Leone-Sheehan, MSN, RN, is a doctoral candidate in the Connell School of Nursing at Boston College. She is also a full-time faculty member in the Department of Nursing at St. Anselm College. Her scholarly interests include healing from childhood maltreatment, spirituality in healing from trauma, palliative care, and quality of end of life care.

Patrick J. O’Leary, PhD, is a professor in the School of Human Services and Social Work at Griffith University. He has worked as both a practitioner and researcher in the areas of gendered violence internationally.

References

Adams

G. R.

Marshall

S. K.

(1996). A developmental social psychology of identity: Understanding the person-in-context. Journal of Adolescence, 19, 429-442.

Brady

(2008). The impact of sexual abuse on sexual identity formation in gay men. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 359-376. doi:10.1080/10538710802329973

Cutajar

M. C.

Mullen

P. E.

Ogloff

J. R.

Thomas

S. D.

Wells

D. L.

Spataro

(2010). Psychopathology in a large cohort of sexually abused children followed up to 43 years. Child Abuse & Neglect, 34, 813-822. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2010.04.004

Doyle

T. P.

(2009). The spiritual trauma experienced by victims of sexual abuse by Catholic Clergy. Pastoral Psychology, 58, 3:239-260. doi:10.1007/s11089-008-0187-1

Draper

Pfaff

J. J.

Pirkis

Snowdon

Lautenschlager

N. T.

Wilson

Almeida

O. P.

(2008). Long-term effects of childhood abuse on the quality of life and health of older people: Results from the depression and early prevention of suicide in general practice project. Journal of American Geriatrics Society, 56, 262-271.

Easton

S. D.

(2014). Masculine norms, disclosure, and childhood adversities predict long-term mental distress among men with histories of child sexual abuse. Child Abuse & Neglect, 38, 243-251. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2013

Easton

S. D.

Saltzman

Willis

(2014). “Would you tell under circumstances like that?” Barriers to disclosure for men who were sexually abused during childhood. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 15, 460-469. doi:10.1037/a0034223

Farrell

D. P.

Taylor

(2000). Silenced by God—An examination of unique characteristics within sexual abuse by clergy. Counselling Psychology Review, 15(1), 22-31.

Fater

Mullaney

J. A.

(2000). The lived experience of adult male survivors who allege childhood sexual abuse by clergy. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 21, 281-295.

10.

Ferguson

A. D.

(2008). Identity. In Leong

F. T. L.

(Ed.), Encyclopedia of counseling (pp. 1162-1164). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. doi:10.4135/9781412963978

11.

Flynn

(2008). In their own voices: Women who were sexually abused by members of the clergy. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 216-237. doi:10.1080/10538710802329684

12.

Fogler

J. M.

Shipherd

J. C.

Clarke

Jensen

Rowe

(2008). The impact of clergy-perpetrated sexual abuse: The role of gender, development, and posttraumatic stress. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 329-358. doi:10.1080/10538710802329940

13.

Foster

Boyd

O’Leary

P. J.

(2012). Improving policy and practice responses for men sexually abused in childhood (ACSSA Wrap No. 12). Melbourne: Australian Centre for the Study of Sexual Assault, Australian Institute of Family Studies.

14.

Gardiner

H. W.

Kosmitzki

(2008). Lives across cultures: Cross-cultural human development. Boston, MA: Pearson.

15.

Guido

J. J.

(2008). A unique betrayal: Clergy sexual abuse in the context of the Catholic religious tradition. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 255-269. doi:10.1080/10538710802329775

16.

Hsieh

Shannon

S. E.

(2005). Three approaches to qualitative content analysis. Qualitative Health Research, 15, 1277-1288. doi:10.1177/1049732305276687

17.

Isely

P. J.

Isely

Freiburger

McMackin

(2008). In their own voices: A qualitative study of men abused as children by Catholic clergy. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 201-215. doi:10.1080/10538710802329668

18.

Kia-Keating

Sorsoli

Grossman

F. K.

(2010). Relational challenges and recovery processes in male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25, 666-683. doi:10.1177/0886260509334411

19.

Kline

P. M.

(2007). Merton’s “true self”: A resource for survivors of sexual abuse by priests. Pastoral Psychology, 55, 731-739. doi:10.1007/s11089-007-0087-9

20.

Kline

P. M.

McMackin

Lezotte

(2008). The impact of the clergy abuse scandal on parish communities. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 290-300. doi:10.1080/10538710802329817

21.

Krayer

Seddon

Robinson

C. A.

Gwilym

(2015). The influence of child sexual abuse on the self from adult narrative perspectives. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 24, 135-151. doi:10.1080/10538712.2015.1001473

22.

Kroger

(2000). Identity development. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

23.

Lawson

Drebing

Berg

Vincellette

Penk

(1998). The long term impact of child abuse on religious behavior and spirituality in men. Child Abuse & Neglect, 22, 369-380. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(98)00003-9

24.

McCarter

S. A.

(2011). Adolescence. In Hutchison

E. D.

(Ed.), Dimensions of human behavior: The changing life course (pp. 220-268). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

25.

Miles

M. B.

Huberman

A. M.

(1994). Qualitative data analysis: An expanded sourcebook. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

26.

Neuendorf

K. A.

(2002). The content analysis guidebook. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

27.

O’Leary

Easton

S. D.

Gould

(2017). The effect of child sexual abuse on men: Towards a male sensitive measure. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 32, 423-445.

28.

Pargament

K. I.

Murray-Swank

N. A.

Mahoney

(2008). Problem and solution: The spiritual dimension of clergy sexual abuse and its impact on survivors. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 397-420. doi:10.1080/10538710802330187

29.

Parkinson

P. N.

Oates

R. K.

Jayakody

A. A.

(2012). Child sexual abuse in the Anglican Church of Australia. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 21, 553-570. doi:10.1080/10538712.2012.689424

30.

Rassenhofer

Zimmer

Sprober

Fegert

J. M.

(2015). Child sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church in Germany: Comparison of victim-impact data collected through church-sponsored and government sponsored programs. Child Abuse & Neglect, 40, 60-67. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2014.11.013

31.

Rossetti

S. J.

(1995). The impact of child sexual abuse on attitudes toward God and the Catholic Church. Child Abuse & Neglect, 19, 1469-1481.

32.

Terry

K. J.

(2015). Child sexual abuse within the Catholic Church: A review of global perspectives. International Journal of Comparative and Applied Criminal Justice, 39, 139-154. doi:10.1080/01924036.2015.1012703

33.

Terry

K. J.

Smith

M. L.

Schuth

Kelly

C. J. R.

Vollman

C. B.

Massey

(2011). The causes and context of sexual abuse of minors by Catholic priests in the U.S., 1950-2010. Washington, DC: U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

34.

Walker

M. D.

Hernandez

A. M.

Davey

(2012). Childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual identity formation: Intersection of gender, race, and sexual orientation. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40, 385-398. doi:10.1080/01926187.2011.627318

35.

Wind

L. H.

Sullivan

J. M.

Levins

D. J.

(2008). Survivors’ perspectives on the impact of clergy sexual abuse on families of origin. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 17, 238-254. doi:10.1080/10538710802329734