Abstract
Despite growing international attention to Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), there is little systemic information available regarding the process of adjusting to divorce after leaving violent marriages among Iranian women. Despite the strong religious discouragement and social stigma associated with divorce in Iran, divorce has always been recognized as a possible outcome of marriage. This qualitative study was conducted to understand the process that nine Iranian women who left violent marriages went through after divorce. The data came from two interviews with each participant and interviewer’s notes that were taken during the interview. The data were analyzed using phenomenology and themes related to adjusting to divorce after experiencing IPV were identified. The process of adjusting to divorce seemed to occur in phases, that is, “initial experience after divorce,” “searching for stability/challenges/resources,” and “the process of developing new identity but still not being at peace.” Each phase consists of subthemes and boundaries between these phases were fluid and adjustment was an ongoing process. This process was a journey for these Iranian IPV victims, which was dependent on their financial situation, emotional support, having a child or not, and their psychological health. These findings can help Iranian women who are in the process of adjustment to divorce to make sense of their experience. Also, findings provide a framework for researchers and clinicians in their work with female survivors of violent marriages. By testing these findings, researchers will be able to develop a theory regarding healing and disentanglement process. Clinicians need to understand the role of internalized stigma and how they can help their clients who are seeking to adjust after leaving violent marriages in Iran to reduce internalized stigma of divorce and challenge some of negative cultural beliefs against divorced women. Implications and suggestions for future research and clinicians are provided.
Introduction
Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious worldwide health issue. A study by the World Health Organization of lifetime prevalence rates of IPV against women from nine countries reported rates that ranged from 19% to 66% (Stöckl, March, Pallitto, & Garcia-Moreno, 2014). Studies conducted in Iran report between 47% and 81% of women have experienced at least one instance of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse by their spouse (Ghahari, Atefvahid, & Yousefi, 2006). Although living in a violent marriage has destructive consequences, some women live their entire life in abusive relationships (Anderson & Saunders, 2003); however, some are able to leave violent relationships and move forward in their lives (Rosen & Stith, 1993).
Divorce does not take place in a vacuum but occurs in the cultural context that creates the perception and conception of individuals within a cultural group. Together with the global trend for increasing rates of divorce, the divorce rate in Iran is increasing. One out of every six marriages in Iran ends in divorce, and in Tehran (capital city of Iran), on average, one out of every three marriages end in divorce (Iranian Bureau of Statistic, 2016). Despite the strong religious discouragement and social stigma associated with divorce in Iran, divorce has always been recognized as a possible outcome of marriage. During the past two decades, the rate of divorce has increased from 11.2% to 22.6% for the country and 33% for Tehran (National Organization for Civil Registration, 2016). Cultural and family changes in Iran and transitions toward modernity have led to increasing women’s economic independency, the women’s rights movement, and women’s higher educational achievements in Iran (Abbasi-Shavazi & McDonald, 2008; Lutz, Cuaresma, & Abbasi-Shavazi, 2010), which have had a role in increasing the rate of divorce. Then again, with the explosion of information through the Internet and satellite, young people are updated with information about other possibilities they have in their life (Aghajanian & Thompson, 2013). In addition, the stigma associated with divorce is not as strong and dominant as it was in the past. Whereas in the past, having a divorced daughter was a big shame and the family tried to avoid it at all costs, families are becoming more ready to accept divorce, especially if their daughter is in an abusive marriage and, similarly, women seeking divorce also have less fear of their family’s loss of reputation if they decide to get a divorce (Aghajanian & Thompson, 2013).
Given the growing divorce rates and personal, familial, and social changes that result, more people will be affected by divorce every year. Many studies indicate that divorce has more negative consequences for women than for men in economic, emotional, and social areas (Eisari & Sadeghi-Fasaeei, 2012; Hilton & Desrochers, 2000). Furthermore, in collectivistic cultures, such as Iranian, which are patriarchal and gender based and have more gender-based discrimination, divorced women face many more difficulties in their social interactions after divorce than do women in Western cultures. Gender discrimination, male-dominated culture, and negative beliefs about divorce and divorced women, and about the importance of marriage, in the form of common cultural beliefs, influence Iranian women (Eisari & Sadeghi-Fasaeei, 2012). Because there are legal and cultural limitations for women and still there is stigma surrounding divorced women, many barriers continue to exist for Iranian women who choose to divorce (Ghahari et al., 2006). One of the main barriers includes a social attitude toward divorced women as sexually available. This attitude has roots in the cultural/religious value of virginity and being virgin. As never married girls are expected to be virgins, while divorced women have lost their virginity, divorced women are considered as easier targets for unwanted sex. This cultural attitude in Iran leaves divorced women at risk of experiencing sexual harassment. Another barrier for divorced women in Iran is related to the label of being divorced, which is a major part of a divorced woman’s social identity. Being a divorced woman in Iran, as a negative label, takes away her opportunities to remarry with anyone she chooses. So, when these factors come together, the process of adjusting to divorce is more challenging.
There are also legal barriers for women seeking divorce in Iran. The main issue is that, based on Iranian law, the full custody of children (boys after 2 and girls after 7 years of age) goes to the father after divorce (Garrusi, Nakhaee, & Zangiabadi, 2008) and, in most cases, the ex-husband prevents regular visits between children and their mother. If the mother wants to visit her children regularly, she is required to take the complaint to the court and use legal pressure to force her ex-husband to let her see her children. Women seeking divorce in Iran also face financial barriers. Although, based on Islamic custom, the husband is expected to provide his wife with an agreed amount of gold or money, which is called mahriyeh or Mahr, 1 and a man must pay it any time his wife demands, which in most cases is at the time of divorce (Safaee & Emamei, 2012) and, in some part of Iran, families agree on a huge amount of Mahr to prevent divorce, still there are men who file for divorce and pay the huge amount of Mahr or they pay it monthly, and there are women who prefer to escape their unhappy marriage by forfeiting their Mahr to be free (Aghajanian & Thompson, 2013).
A number of studies have focused on women’s adjustment to divorce after leaving violent relationships in the United States (Wuest & Merritt-Gray, 2001). For example, Landenburger (2003) developed a model of the stages of recovery from violent marriages, which included “struggling for survival, grieving, and searching for meaning” (p. 80). Taylor (2000) who studied African American female IPV survivors, identified strategies, such as “telling our business, reclaiming ourselves, renewing the spirit, building a new foundation, knowing my place, forgiving, being your own woman, beating back the barriers, and looking forward” (p. 111). Wuest and Merritt-Gray (2001) found that in the process of reclaiming self, battered women go through four stages of “counteracting abuse, breaking free, not going back, and moving on” (p. 79). Although these studies have helped us understand the process that women who leave violent marriages have gone through in the United States, very few studies have examined this process in non-Western countries.
Previous research has examined the process women in Iran used to leave violent marriages (Nikparvar, Stith, Myers-Bowman, Akbarzadeh, & Daneshpour, 2021) but no previous research has sought to understand the process of adjusting to divorce after leaving violent marriages. Given the high rate of IPV in Iran, it is important to understand the process these women in Iran go through. The study built on a previous study (Nikparvar et al., 2021) that found that women in violent marriages in Iran have concerns, such as fear of stigma of divorce, their financial dependency, and fear of losing the custody of their children, if they decide to divorce. The current study was designed to address these concerns and was guided by an overarching research question and four subquestions.
● What types of difficulties do they face? What was most difficult?
● What emotions did they experience during this process?
● What or who helped them to cope and adjust to their new situation?
The findings of the study will contribute to the IPV literature and shed light on the provision of effective IPV prevention and intervention services pertinent to the Iranian context.
Theoretical Perspective
Two theories were used to guide this work. First, family stress and coping theory was used in an effort to understand stressors participants faced. Next, exposure reduction theory, which emphasizes the importance of leaving violent marriages to reduce the likelihood of escalation of violence guided our choice to seek to understand women leaving violent marriages. Family stress and coping theory (McCubbin, Cauble, Comeau, Patterson, & Needle, 1980) provides a framework to study adjustment to a stressful family event such as divorce. According to this framework, adjustment to divorce depends on “the accumulation of stressors, resources for coping with stress, and definitions of the stressor event” (p. 4). With regard to the accumulation of stressors, divorce often makes some disruptive life changes, such as economic challenges, as the original family income is split (Anderson & Saunders, 2003; Van Eeden-Moorefield, Pasley, Dolan, & Engel, 2007). In addition, losing friends is an additional stressor as divorced women may find they have less in common with their married friends and married friends may see their newly single friend as a possible threat to their own relationships (Shapiro & Keyes, 2008; Umberson, Thomeer, & Williams, 2013). Moving to a new place is another stressor especially for women (McLanahan & Sandefur, 1994). When divorcing women have to adapt to a different number of life changes in a short period of time, they may have difficulty coping, which may lead to psychological problems. To understand the second factor in the family stress and coping theory, which includes resources for coping with stress, research in Western cultures indicate that education, employment, income, and supportive friends and kin are important resources that can help people cope with divorce-related stress (Carlsund, Eriksson, Löfstedt, & Sellström, 2012; Kelly, 2012). The third factor in this framework is the individual’s definition of the event that occurs in her life. People who have negative beliefs and attitudes toward divorce, in comparison with those who have positive attitudes, are more likely to see their own divorces as moral failures (Martin & Parashar, 2006; Whitton, Stanley, Markman, & Johnson, 2013).
The second theory that guided this work is based on the exposure reduction theory that suggests severe violence, including intimate partner homicide, is more likely to occur after prolonged violence in a relationship (Reckdenwald & Parker, 2012). This suggests that shortening the duration in which someone is in contact with a violent partner decreases the likelihood of escalated violence (Dugan, Nagin, & Rosenfeld, 2003). This theory guided our decision to seek to understand how battered women in Iran adjust to life after divorce so that our findings can help support future victims in this challenging situation.
Method
We utilized a series of case studies to understand nine women’s experience of adjusting to divorce after leaving their violent marriage in Tehran. In this study, the “case” and the “unit of analysis” is each of these nine individual women in Tehran who experienced physical violence in her marriage and had divorced her husband. A holistic view (based on ecological theory) was used to understand participants’ experiences. All the names related to persons and locations used in the article are pseudonyms.
Participants and Procedure
The study was approved by the Human Subjects Committee at the first author’s university. Participants were recruited through a lawyer and three psychologists who work with survivors of intimate partner violence in Tehran. Some of these women were current clients and some of them worked with this lawyer or one of these therapists in the past. As these professionals had access to these women’s documents and phone numbers, they contacted them and let them know about the research project and asked them if they were willing to participate. As a main inclusion criterion, the lawyer and therapists asked their clients whether violence was a primary cause of their divorce. Potential participants who were willing to participate in this study signed a consent form, which permitted the professional to give the participant’s name and phone number to the researcher. The researcher contacted potential participants and screened them over the phone. The inclusion criteria were being older than the age of 18, experiencing violence in their marriage, currently divorced, and reporting they lived in a stable environment, free from ongoing violence. After determining that potential participants met the inclusion criteria, the researcher met twice with each participant at a time that was convenient for the participant. Participants signed a consent form and were informed that their participation was voluntary and they could ask to have their data removed from the study within 48 hr after the interview. The first author conducted all interviews. The first interview took approximately 2.5 hr to complete, with a short break when participants needed it. The second interview took almost 20 min to .5 hr to clarify responses and do member checking. Participants received a gift card valued at US$30 (100.000 Toman) at the end of the interview. When participants were invited to participate in this study, they were informed that they would receive a gift card and but were not told about the value of the gift card. For most participants, the average cost of commuting to the interview was about a third of this amount of money, so these women did not take part in the research contemplating financial benefits.
Demographic Questionnaire
The authors designed a demographic questionnaire to obtain information, such as age of participant, marriage duration, time since divorce, level of education, number of children, and income. Demographic information regarding each participant is provided in Table 1.
Participants’ Demographic Information.
Data Analysis
This study was grounded in semistructured in-depth interview data from nine divorced Iranian women who experienced violence in their marriage and divorced. The data came from two interviews and the notes that the interviewer took at the time of interview. The data were recorded and transcribed in Farsi. Then, the first author and a graduate student in law school from Iran, read the transcribed interviews a number of times, line by line, to become as familiar as possible with participants’ story. The graduate student did not know any of the participants and did not refer participants to the study. The initial codes were developed, and then similar codes were transformed into categories; at the end, themes emerged by making connection between categories.
The data were analyzed using phenomenology, which aims at “gaining a deeper understanding of the nature or meaning of participant’s everyday experiences” (Patton, 2005, p. 105). This method helps us to have a deep understanding of these women’s experiences and how they perceive, describe, and make sense of their experiences. “Phenomenological research focuses in-depth on the meaning of a particular aspect of experience, assuming that through dialogue and reflection, the quintessential meaning of the experience will be revealed” (Patton, 2005, p. 112). The in-depth interviews were conducted with women who left their violent marriages and had directly experienced the process of adjusting to divorce; that is, their “lived experiences” enables them to provide important information related to the process of adjusting to divorce after leaving their violent marriage.
Trustworthiness
Lincoln and Guba’s criteria were used to assure the trustworthiness of study findings (Lincoln & Guba, 1985). Member checking, peer debriefing, and supervision by external reviewers were applied to ensure credibility. In this study, at the end of each interview a debriefing was shared with the participants. After transcribing the interviews, two graduate students (one of whom is the first author of this article) analyzed that data and the main findings were shared with the participants to confirm the accuracy of our findings. The second author of this article, an expert in the field of intimate partner violence, served as an external reviewer and supervised the process of this research to guide the interviewer in the phase of data collection and analysis. Dependability of data was obtained by purposive sampling with maximum variation and, through a transparent description of the research path, transferability of data was enhanced. In this study, participants varied in age, having or not having children, living independently or living with their parents, which helped us understand how women in different situation went through the process of adjusting to divorce and what was similar across these women’s experiences.
Findings
Although all participants were divorced and did not believe they were at risk of ongoing violence from their ex-husbands, painful memories of violence occasionally resurfaced. The fact that each participant was in a stable living environment, which meant that some lived with their parents and some lived in their own apartments at the time of the study and each had a routine daily life, allowed them to reflect on their past and to be engaged in other aspects of their lives, and to be thoughtful about their future. The process of adjusting to divorce took time and consisted of three main phases: first, “initial experience after divorce”; second, “searching for new identity/challenges/resources”; and the third is “the process of developing new identity and still not being in peace.” Each phase has some subthemes.
Phase 1: Initial Experience After Divorce
Getting divorced is difficult for anyone and participants of this study were no exception. Subthemes that emerged from a discussion of the initial experience of divorce included (a) questioning and blaming self/family/society, (b) reasoning and justification, (c) being blamed by others for the divorce, and (d) psychological and physical problems. The first experience that was reported by all participants was that they had persistent questions about their marriage, violence, and divorce and were looking for answers. They also were questioned by others and they experienced mental and physical problems.
Questioning and blaming self/family/society
Questioning and blaming can be an expected reaction to painful experiences. Participants asked themselves, “Why me?” “Why are my friends in happy marriages but I am not?” “Why did I stay in marriage so long?” “Why did I not take the red flags seriously?” or “Why did I not consult with professionals?” and they blamed themselves for their marriage. Maryam said, For the first 2 months after getting divorce, I was not able to find myself. I was just crying, always angry and isolated myself from everyone. I blamed myself, my family, and my uncles who never were there for me. I questioned myself, why I stayed in that house with my husband, why I should experience all these difficulties, why God wanted this for me.
When participants considered social factors and norms around “gender roles,” and “lack of education regarding violence,” most participants were angry at society. Sara said, I grew up in a family that my parents love each other, and we do not have anyone in our extended family who is violent against his wife. My experience of violence was shocking to me. I was so mad that no one told me about violence. Why do we have nothing in our education system to teach us about women’s rights, about intimate partner violence, and what we should do when we are in a violent marriage? I cannot believe we have nothing in our school to warn us about it. We never talk about it, we are just encouraged to marry. Nothing in TV shows, nothing in movies.
Reasoning and justification
Participants tried to answer their own questions regarding why they stayed in their marriage. They had answers, such as “He was stressed out because of his job,” “He has mood issues,” or “My financial dependency,” “My kids’ custody,” or “I loved him.” Tina said, Every time I thought about my marriage, I could see that I had to continue my marriage and I was convinced by my reasons. I could not see any future for myself as I did not have any skills, no academic degree, and no income. How could I survive? I had a child and he needed a lot of things I could not afford. My husband told me many times that he would not give my son to me, so I had to continue. By continuing my marriage, at least I could have my child and a roof.
Laila said, We started our relationship with love. No one could imagine our marriage would end up with divorce. I still love him, and I knew he had a difficult childhood and his parents divorced and his grandparents raised him. I could not believe he became violent toward me and then he took my child away from me. I knew he was under a lot of pressure because of financial problems. Because of that I could understand his aggression. I tolerated everything with the hope that in future everything will be fine, but it got worse and worse. I love him and if he changes himself I want to live with him.
Being blamed by others for divorce
Some participants received messages that they had not been “a good wife,” “patient enough,” or they did not make “sacrifices” in their relationship as otherwise the marriage would have worked. Trying to explain and make the reason for the divorce clear for others such as family and friends was a strategy for some participants, but it made them “isolated” from friends and relatives. Sara said, When I was living with my husband, I always believed that as a woman it is my responsibility to keep my marriage. I did whatever I could, but it did not work. When I hear that people judge me that I did not sacrifice enough, or I was not patient enough, it makes me so sad, but I do not want to explain to all of them about how hard I worked on my marriage, but nothing changed. The pressure was too much, and I had enough on my plate and did not have energy anymore to explain my situation to everyone, so I preferred to hide myself from others, even my relatives, and be isolated.
Psychological problems
Damage caused by being in a violent marriage plus feeling like failures and losing their marriage led some participants to experience psychological problems, such depression and grief, and physical problems, such as migraines. Maryam said, I just wasted my life in my marriage. I sacrificed a lot, but nothing changed, which was a huge disappointment. After I divorced, I lost everything. When I look back I just see darkness. I was angry all the time and my family told me that I was like my husband, an aggressive person. I did not get along with anyone. Just wanted to be alone to cry. I was not able to function, I could not realize how time passes and what was going on around me.
Farnoosh said, When my husband was angry he used to hit my head which caused bad headaches. I saw many specialists and finally they diagnosed me with migraines. When I had a migraine, I had to keep myself in a dark room and I could not leave the room for 24 hr, I could not eat or sleep. I wanted to be in silence and cover my head with a cloth very tightly. It was a horrible experience.
Phase 2: Searching for Stability/Challenges/Resources
Despite the fact that painful memories often resurfaced during this phase, and the violence was not forgotten, it was not the central aspect of the participants’ lives anymore and they were able to incorporate the violent experience as a part of their background and began to start searching for a new life. They started to work on their lives and improve their social positions, which was a new challenge for them to create a different future for themselves and have control over their lives. Subthemes under Phase 2 included (a) looking for psychological health care, (b) finding a job or going back to school, (c) dealing with family control or living independently, (d) dealing with the common belief that divorced women are a threat to others’ married lives or are sexual objects, (e) barriers to forming new relationships, and (f) family and friend support.
Looking for psychological health care
Participants who were struggling with depression and grief needed psychological services. Depression was a common experience among seven participants and some of them had to take antidepressants. Three participants used antidepressants and antianxiety medication, and four received individual psychotherapy. Maryam said, I fought with everyone. I knew it was not normal, but I could not stop myself. I talked to a psychiatrist and she told me that my aggression was a symptom of depression. She prescribed some antidepressants for me and I took medication for almost 2 years.
Mina said, I was very overwhelmed and when I talked about my marriage I got so anxious. My close friend found a therapist for me and I see my therapist every week. I used to criticize myself and as it was my second marriage, it was a shame for me to divorce for the second time. I had a lot to talk about, but I did not want to share with my family. Still I see my therapist every week which helps me to accept myself and feel better.
Finding a job or going back to school
Most participants tried to find a job or went back to school to help themselves manage their lives and be independent from their family. They thought that having a job could help them have more control over their lives and move forward. For most of them, the first time that they saw a job opportunity, they applied for it. However, in almost every case, they experienced sexual harassment in their workplace, which was a challenge for them. In a male dominant culture where women are seen as sexual objects, divorced women often face great limitations in their work place and when they found jobs, many of them lost their jobs due to sexual harassment they experienced in their interaction with men. Four participants found a job and three went back to school and pursued their goals. Maryam said, Finding a job was a huge change in my life and it helped me to ruminate less about my past. It made me busy enough to forget some of my pain. Fortunately, I made very good progress in my job and was promoted in 4 years and I am currently doing marketing for our company in different cities. This journey was not easy and as a divorced woman I had many challenges and the main one was the sexual harassment I experienced. Before the current job I have, I lost at least five different jobs just because of men’s harassment. When they realized you got a divorce, then the next day everything changed, and they came to you and asked for a sexual relationship.
Another strategy women used to manage their life and improve their position in society was to pursue their education. Tina said, I left high school unfinished when I started my relationship with my ex-husband. These days I go to school, finished my high school and it is the second semester of my bachelor’s degree. I think education can help me to find a position in society and compensate what I lost in my life.
Shirin said, I was a top student in school but after I married, my husband did not let me go back to school to finish high school. I got pregnant very fast after marriage and I was busy with raising my daughter. We moved to Tehran and there was a lot of opportunity for me here as my husband did not agree with school, I tried to do a volunteer job to be involved with community. I learned a lot from that but never forgot my dream on being in school. My job experience helped me to find my exact interest and I am in art school which gives me a lot of confidence in society.
Dealing with family control and/or trying to live independently
In most cases, participants’ families did not want to let their divorced daughters live independently and they preferred to give them a room in their own apartment. In fact, as the dominant culture applies to single girls’ lives, culture also exercises power over the lives of divorced women. The families’ desire to exercise power over their daughters are aggravated when the patriarchal or gender-based culture in society presents a negative image of divorced women. The family, under the influence of this negative image, exercises more control over the lives of divorced women. Farnoosh said, My parents are very traditional, and they do not let me live independently. They provide everything for me to stay with them. They are afraid I will have a boyfriend. They control my interaction with others and every day I should tell them where I go, when I go, with whom, which is frustrating. They see me as a teenager and if I get home late, they call me consistently. I should be responsive for everything.
Shila said, It was not easy coming back to my parents’ house. I used to live in a big apartment and now I have just my room. I do not have my privacy. Sometimes I want to be alone, sometimes I want to invite my friends, but my family does not let me live alone. They tell me “you are single now and it is not ok to live by yourself.”
Even when participants were able to live alone, they had difficulty finding an independent place to live. A gender-based culture does not tolerate divorced women living by themselves and many people judge them. Samaneh said, My mom asked me to live with her, but as I used to have my own house and be independent, it was hard to live in her apartment due to small space. When I went to rent a house, the first question they asked me is “Where is your husband, as the rent document should be under his name.” As soon as they saw my marital status in my birth certificate,
2
they saw me differently . . . I was often warned that I should be careful the way I dress and about my Hijab otherwise people will think I am a prostitute.
Dealing with the common belief that divorced women are a threat to others’ married lives or are sexual objects.
In Iran, divorced women are often considered a threat to married people. Most participants experienced losing their close married friends. Some of them deliberately cut off their communications with some of their friends, which caused them to be isolated. Sara said, I live with my parents and I should hide myself in my room when guests come to our house because I can see their wife’s hateful face when their husband looks at me. Even when we go to a party I just sit quietly beside my mother and do not talk with anyone. I can see how other women whisper about me, some of them try to pretend that they do not even see me.
Tina said, When I divorced, my close friend cut me off which was painful for me. I tried to convince myself that she is married, and she prefers to socialize with married friends, but the reality is that she is afraid I may take her husband. In a different experience, one of my friends who was living at the same apartment as me and my husband, her husband did not let her see me anymore after I divorced because he was afraid I may teach his wife how to divorce.
Overall, in Iran, married men often fear having their spouses seek a divorce under the influence of divorced women, or they fear that their wife will see divorced women as role models in their life. In addition, married women often prefer to cut off from their divorced friend because of their fear of the impact of their friend’s divorce on their relationship with their husband. Thus, such an image of divorced women as a threat to other people’s marriages makes divorced women avoid entering marital communities, which may foster the reproduction of such a situation.
In addition to being affected by the societal concern that their divorce might negatively affect married people, participants shared their experiences regarding other social and cultural stigmas around divorce and being a divorced woman in Iran. They talked about their experience of “sexual harassment” and difficulty feeling safe when men are around them. Shila said, I am young, beautiful and in shape so when I go to a gathering, many men want to be with me. They think, I as a divorced woman, who is beautiful and going to a party, am looking for someone or I am available. Sometimes it does not matter how much we like each other. It is just about having sex. I have heard from many of my customers who are divorced women, that they also experience sexual harassment all the time, in their work place, among their family friends, everywhere. This is so normal for men to offer or ask you to have sex with them.
Maryam said, When I got divorced, it was so hard when a married man asked me to be in a relationship with him or if I experienced sexual harassment. I cried a lot, but now I have a thick skin and I get used to it. I just ignore them and accepted that this is what it is. Men all are the same, I prefer to make a rigid boundary around myself to stay out of their access. It is not easy anyway.
Barriers to forming new relationships
On one hand, there are negative attitudes against divorced women, and men are often not willing to marry divorced women. However, on the other hand, having a boyfriend or cohabitation is culturally unacceptable and illegal in Iran. So, divorced women have difficulty meeting their emotional and sexual needs. If they decide to cohabitate or have a boyfriend, then they must hide it from others, especially from their family and relatives. Farnoosh said, Emotional and sexual needs are my biggest challenge. It is a big taboo for my family if I have a boyfriend. I really want to be in a relationship even if it does not end in marriage. I know it is not healthy to suppress my needs, but I should wait. I try to make myself busy with my job as much as I can, but it cannot be the solution forever.
Tina said, It is almost 2 years I am living with my boyfriend, but no one knows about it. I even hide it from my son. On weekends that I visit my son, I visit him in the park, cinema or my parent’s house because if my son knows about my boyfriend, he will tell his father and then my ex-husband won’t let me to see my son anymore. If my family and extended family know I cohabitate, they will think I am a bad woman, they will judge me, and so I have to hide it.
Family and friends’ support
Although participants all spoke about stigma and difficulties leaving their marriages and also entering new relationships, another theme was that, for most participants, family and friends’ support had an important role in motivating them to leave their violent marriages and gave them the hope to be strong and overcome their past. Tina said, My father has been around for me all the time. Since my husband did not give me my financial rights, my father meets all my financial needs and I have never been worried about it. When I see my family and friends support me and they also approved my decision to leave my marriage, it makes me happy and I feel more confident in my life.
Shila said, My sisters and my friends had been great emotional resources for me. They were available for me all the time. They could not do something for my marriage, but they support me on my decision of divorce. When they have gatherings, they always invite me and when I am alone, they come and stay with me.
Phase 3: The Process of Developing New Identity and Still Not Being in Peace
Getting to this stage took different amounts of times for each participant and depended on whether or not participants had a child, how long they stayed in their marriage, their financial independency, and if they received financial or emotional support from their family.
Feeling confident and invested in themselves/on their children
Many of these women recognized how “they are different now than before and how their worldview has changed.” Farnoosh said, I completely forgot myself in my marriage and now I found myself. I am a new person who believes in herself. I am proud of myself because of all the achievements I have had. I have many people who appreciate my job and my talent and skills as a teacher and as an author. I will publish my book in near future. I have a great connection with my students and receive respect from them and from my colleagues and I have been invited for speeches in different cities. When I look back I can see how much I have changed.
Samaneh said, Now, my life is just me and my son. We are much happier than before. He is very intelligent and got accepted in one of the best high schools in Tehran. We have each other and we take care of each other. I have invested my life in my son to have a better education and be successful. I can see myself as a real mother now but in the past, we were in a house full of fights and negative energy and I am sure that hurt my son, so I try to compensate for those days.
Finding new hobbies and new social groups
Some of these women made some changes in their lifestyle by finding new hobbies for themselves or for their children. As many of them lost some of their previous social groups or their close friends, they made new friends among divorced women or people who they feel more comfortable with. Mina said, My son and I are much closer than we were in the past and we try to spend more time together. We go to restaurants and theaters more often and plan to travel. I bought a piano for myself which was my wish in the past. I have a different routine now and have more control over my life.
Samaneh said, I have two divorced colleagues and we are like sisters for each other. I consulted with them when I was in the process of divorce. They guide me about my legal rights and the process of divorce. Every day in break time [they are teachers in school] we have a short chat and share our experience to support each other.
Although participants felt confident about their decisions and tried to do their best in managing their lives, they still they had some concerns such as fear about their children’s future and the label of divorce, which do not let them to be in peace.
Fear for their children’s needs and their future
Many participants who had a child or children were very concerned about their child/children’s future. They were afraid of their financial needs, their education, and their relationships with their friends and with drugs. Laila said, I have concerns about friends that my son makes; as some of them smoke cigarettes, I am afraid my son will do whatever his friends do and become addicted, as drug use is everywhere. I bought a phone for him to check wherever he goes but I know this is not the way to stop him. As my husband does not let me see my second son and just keeps him home and even does not let him to go to school, I do not know what he is doing and what will happen to him. I cannot forget about him. Sometimes I think I am getting crazy by thinking about my children’s future all the time.
Label of divorce forever
In a patriarchal and gender-based society where divorced women are seen as “used” and are judged, the dark shadow of divorce is always over participants’ heads. It does not matter how hard they try to manage their life and improve their position in society, their marital status is still the main part of their identity.
Shirin said, I can see how much I grew during the past 10 years. I am much more mature, educated, independent, and responsible, but it does not matter in society’s eyes due to the fact that I am a divorced woman. People see you as a secondhand person not as a human. As you are a divorced woman, it does not matter how good you are, there is always something wrong about you.
Discussion
For women participating in this study, the process of adjusting to divorce after experiencing IPV was multidimensional and consisted of different components. This process was a journey for them, which was dependent on their financial situation, emotional support, having a child or not, and their psychological health. Findings support both theories used to develop this study: First, family stress and coping theory helped us seek to understand stressors participants faced and coping strategies they used (McCubbin et al., 1980). Each of the stressors identified in previous research regarding divorce was identified by participants in this study (e.g., financial difficulties, and losing friends). In addition, unique stressors relating to Iranian laws that did not allow them to maintain custody of minor children were highlighted. As a part of family stress and coping theory, some participants talked about how they internalized the negative beliefs about divorced women or what is called self-stigma. Goffman (1963) views “the root of stigma as social devaluation linked to attitudes that are considered discrediting or mark of failure or shame in the eyes of others” (p. 35). This negative self-stigma often got in the way of their process of coping. Participants also spoke about coping strategies that overlapped with strategies identified through exposure reduction theory. Exposure reduction theory suggests that providing resources that allow victims of IPV to leave abusive relationships may also aid in decreasing rates of escalation of violence and/or intimate partner homicide (Dugan et al., 2003; Reckdenwald & Parker, 2012). The importance of the exposure reduction theory is supported by our findings that participants reported that they were more able to transition through this process because of family and friend support, and their ability to find new hobbies and new social groups.
This phenomenological study of nine Iranian women, who left their violent marriages and divorced, found that these women experienced three phases, including the “initial experience after divorce,” “searching for stability/challenges/resources,” and “the process of developing a new identity but still not being at peace.” Boundaries between these phases were fluid and adjustment was an ongoing process. This process was not linear, and longitudinal qualitative research is needed to address this process comprehensively. As was mentioned before, this study was built on our previous study in which Iranian women talked about their concerns regarding their life after divorce and being a divorced woman, which were confirmed in this study. These findings are consistent with Landenburger’s (2003) and Wuest and Merritt-Gray’s (2001) findings and similar to some findings in the Taylor (2000), and Miller (1999) studies. All individuals who experience divorce face numerous personal and social problems, but given the cultural complexity of Iranian society, divorced women experience more adverse outcomes than do women in Western cultures (Eezazi, 2005). Based on cultural and religious teaching, women are the heart of the family and they have the most significant role to play in maintaining family stability. This belief puts a lot of responsibility on women’s shoulders and when marriage is not working anymore, they are blamed. Our participants often blamed themselves whether they did everything they could or not or whether there was nothing else they could do.
One of the first consequences of the woman’s experience after divorce is the loss of identity and social status. In particular, the position of a divorced woman in the minds of others, and in Iranian culture, is generally confronted with shakiness and hesitation. Even if a woman has an education, social status, and so forth, her identity is usually measured in relation to her husband and judged on that basis. Marriage forms an important part of women’ identity and getting divorced means losing this identity, which puts a lot of social and psychological pressure on them. In addition, these women experienced violence and abuse in their marriage, which made them prone to psychological illnesses. Divorce generally begins with an emotional crisis and of course this crisis increases after divorce; especially in women, it becomes more acute and complex, and it takes time for a person to return to his or her normal life. In fact, many believe that “the destructive effects of divorce on women are more severe than on men” (Perrig-Chiello, Hutchison, & Knöpfli, 2016, p. 27). For most people, divorce is psychologically stressful and they experience grief and anger, which is supported by a great body of research (Amato, 2010; Yeh, Lorenz, Wickrama, Conger, & Elder, 2006). In this study, women experienced a variety of psychological problems such as anxiety, depression, and anger. They showed their anger by questioning and blaming themselves, family, and society and looking for a guilty one. Women in this study passed this phase between 6 months and 2 years.
Different factors interplay at multiple levels to adjust to the new situation (Dutton, 2011). In these participants’ experiences, those who had a job and were financially independent or who received support from their friends and families felt more confident about themselves and were more able to move forward to invest in themselves and in their children. Returning to everyday life and stabilizing routines makes life more targeted and helps to pass the crisis of divorce (Krantzler, 2014; Sigal, Sandler, Wolchik, & Braver, 2011). When these women interacted more with their surroundings, instead of focusing on their pain or difficulties plus when they received support from their parents or their friends, they were able to move forward. This research supports earlier research on the role of social support as a protective factor in coping with stress (Hewitt, Turrell, & Giskes, 2012), mental health (Lin, Dean, & Ensel, 2013), depression, and grief (Chu, Saucier, & Hafner, 2010).
The responsibilities of women after divorce will increase in various dimensions, especially if children live with their mother. As in some cases children live with their mother during teenage life, when they have the freedom to choose where they want to live, the financial and mental needs of the children will be the responsibility of women. Because divorce brings many economic challenges, such as the disappearance of shared finance in housing and life expenses and sometimes an increase in poverty among divorced women, women will frequently have to work outside the home and accept jobs that are generally not socially and appropriately rewarded (Noorbala, Yazdi, Yasamy, & Mohammad, 2004).
There are beliefs in the popular Iranian culture that harass and disrupt the status of divorced women. These women are often considered a threat to family relationships and family life of friends and relatives, which often make them feel isolated. In total, “loss of social protection,” “isolation,” “reduction of social relations,” “feeling of insecurity,” “rejection,” “negative moral attitude of the community,” “social tags,” “negative feedback,” “persecution,” and “potential sexual violence” are not infrequent experiences by Iranian women in society, especially after divorce (Aghajanian, 2001; Aghajanian & Thompson, 2013; Barikani, Ebrahim, & Navid, 2012).
While our participants were in stable situations, and did not fear violence from their ex-husbands, many of them did experience sexual harassment from men in the community. In Iran, there is extreme stigma around women who divorce. Socially, they are seen as sexually available and women in this study were not excluded from this perception, which was a great barrier for them. These women experienced sexual harassment in their workplace or in the process of renting a house. These issues influenced women in a significant way and not only added to their pain but also influenced their self-esteem and made them isolated from society. The role of stigma as a barrier that results in great distress and negative mental health functioning is supported in previous research (Corrigan & Kleinlein, 2005; Goldberg & Smith, 2011; Kranke, Floersch, Kranke, & Munson, 2011; Perlick et al., 2001) and it was true specifically about some of the participants who internalized the negative beliefs about divorced women or what is called self-stigma. Goffman (1963) viewed “the root of stigma as social devaluation linked to attitudes that are considered discrediting or mark of failure or shame in the eyes of others” (p. 35). In a sociocultural context, where even after experiencing IPV women feel blamed for divorce, the cultural and internalized stigma is increased for divorced women. The relationship between cultural and internalized beliefs is bidirectional, so that having more internalized stigma can result in more anticipating stigma form others (Aghajanian & Thompson, 2013; Overstreet & Quinn, 2013). Although Iranian culture and family lives have been through great changes in the past 50 years, and especially during past two decades this change has been significantly obvious, some part of the population still continue to have religious and traditional beliefs regarding divorce or being a divorced woman.
Women are more vulnerable to being labeled as deviant than men when they divorce (Yodanis, 2005). Stigma limits or disrupts access to support and resources that may be helpful for a successful adaptation to divorce (Link & Phelan, 2001). Previous research suggests that if there are negative cultural images or prejudices associated with a specific group, members of that group are likely to experience discrimination, low self-efficacy, and low confidence (Corrigan & Kleinlein, 2005) and are more likely to need psychological services (Vogel, Bitman, Hammer, & Wade, 2013). In a study by Corrigan and Kleinlein, (2005), public stigma is prejudice and discrimination and self-stigma is more about applying the stereotypes, prejudice, and discrimination to themselves, which is manifested by shame and isolation (Corrigan & Kleinlein, 2005; Kranke et al., 2011). When public stigma integrates with self-stigma, stress and disruptions are greater (Goldberg & Smith, 2011).
Virginity is an important factor in valuing women in Iranian society. Being a virgin means that a woman has moral virtues and values and it seems that if a woman is not a virgin it means she is not a valuable person. Therefore, the only part of her which can be considered is her sexual sector and men offer sex to her easily and without considering anything else. Unfortunately, this view applied to divorced women from other women as well, and they regard them as nonadherents of moral values and a threat to their own married lives. Because of these beliefs, the common experience of many of our participants was losing some part of their social relationships after divorce. In a collectivist culture, such as Iran, the majority of people in a kinship system are affected by each other’s decisions. Because of the negative attitude toward divorced women, the family often tries to limit their divorced daughter’s relationships with others by having her living with them and supporting her financially and emotionally. Her financial needs largely are sponsored by her father, mother, and siblings, and some friends may support her emotionally.
Limitations and Suggestions for Future Research
This research focused on women in Tehran and the sample size was small. It is clear that participants in this study are unique in that they had contacted lawyers and/or a psychologist after their divorce. Findings from this study may not be generalized to all women leaving violent marriages in Iran. It is recommended that focus group methods be used in future studies based on the core themes found in this study to further understand the process women from different regions, ethnicities, or socioeconomic levels experience in Iran. It is also recommended that a larger model be developed out of this qualitative study to be tested by quantitative research methods with a large sample. As different ethnicities live in Iran, it would be interesting to see how women with different ethnic backgrounds experience the healing and disentanglement process after leaving violent marriages. As in Iran, divorce is not just a personal decision and it influences other family members, future research may include women’s families of origin to see what they experienced in this process and what was helpful or a barrier for them.
Implications
This study was the first try to address the process of adjusting to divorce after leaving a violent marriage in Iran. These findings can help women, who are in the process of adjustment to divorce, to make sense of what they are experiencing and realize that they are not alone in this process. These findings provide a framework that helps professionals, including researchers and clinicians, in their work with women survivors of violent marriages. By testing these findings, researchers will be able to develop a theory regarding healing and disentanglement process. Researchers also can extend these findings by conducting research on different populations from other regions of Iran and/or from neighboring countries. In addition, clinicians and therapists need to understand the role of internalized stigma and how they can help these women to reduce internalized stigma of divorce and challenge some of negative cultural beliefs against divorced women. They can be helpful in encouraging women to believe in themselves and their capabilities and to be confident in society. They also can help divorced women to see their own role in overcoming these stigmas based on the way they interact in society.
As was mentioned, one of the main struggles divorced women face is sexual harassment in their work place or in the process of renting a house and as the main legal document required for employment or renting a place is a birth certificate containing their marital status, which is updated after they divorce, it exposes their marital status to others’ eyes. These findings, which demonstrate how harmful updating the birth certificate can be, may help Iranian policy makers develop new laws regarding having a different document for marital status instead of including it on a birth certificate and also enforcing current Iranian laws preventing harassment in the workforce.
As the educational system in Iran starts at the age of 6, most people spend years in school and the content of books and class presentation can be a great help in changing the way men and women perceive themselves, others, and their experience and also the way they make a meaning about their life experiences. This can stablish a great strong foundation for people to change the culture. Media such as TV, radio, and social media have a significant role in educating people and changing negative cultural view about intimate partner violence and divorce. They can improve social attitudes toward divorced women by reflecting a functional image of them and help to change current cultural attitudes on divorced women. Movies and TV shows can significantly destigmatize divorce as they have been actively stigmatizing it over the past decades. Educating society that families’ and friends’ support can help divorced women to disentangle themselves from their marriage, have a healthy life, and move forward, is one the most important things that can be done. Finally, faith communities that are widespread throughout Iran, from modernist cities to isolated villages, can be a great source of educating people and offering resources to women.
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
