Abstract
In this book, Anna Muraco examines friendships between gay men and straight women and between lesbians and straight men as two examples of types of relationships at the intersection of gender and sexual orientation. As she observes, previous studies are complicated by “the fluidity of sexual orientation—and sometimes, sex” (149). The methods she uses allow her neither to untangle the effects of sex, sexual orientation, and gender nor to specify formally how friendships at the intersection of gender and sexual orientation differ from or are similar to other friendships. Nonetheless, the theory she proposes about why they might be different and the description she derives from her data resonates with this reader who, like her, is a straight woman involved in a very close friendship with a gay male.
Given the limited number of case studies of couples depicted in this book, it is not surprising that none of the pairs of friends is exactly like my gay male friend and me. Nonetheless, by page 2 of this book, I knew that Muraco had managed to articulate what is most precious about my intersectional friendship in a way that I had not previously been able to do. She argues that intersectional relationships differ from other friendships because they “allow each other to embody identities that feel more genuine than those allowed by social norms, particularly those norms related to gender orientation. These friendships highlight what is unsatisfying about the limited roles that men and women are expected to play in one another’s lives, as they offer an “alternative” (4). Thus, they allow friends to create “a sense of belonging that runs counter to heteronormativity” (4).
Not only are these relationships therefore precious, they are exciting because they are “scriptless, meaning that there are no commonly understood norms for how gay men and straight women and lesbians and straight men who maintain close ties (and are not biologically or legally related) are to behave” (104). Individuals involved in these intersectional friendships “may reject social norms of gender and sexual orientation, not only in their own identities, but also in their ways of relating to each other” (4). As participants in the wider society, these friends act as “gender police” within their intersectional friendships, but as participants in these relationships, they also encourage each other to act as “gender outlaws” (79).
In the absence of the social structural guidance that scripts normally provide for the social construction of relationships, these friendships are not only exhilarating for the participants but can confuse and concern others. It is not surprising, for example, that some of Muraco’s couples described jealous romantic partners, because, like the participants in these intersectional relationships themselves, their partners have no script to follow. As Muraco notes, “sexual orientation, like gender, is a socially constructed identity that is not necessarily absolute or fixed” (117). And, as her data demonstrate, “identifying as a gay man or lesbian does not alleviate the possibility of experiencing sexual feelings with a friend of the other sex” (117). Even when the participants in an intersectional friendship are firmly committed to different sexual orientations, others sometimes question the basis of their friendship. Although most of Muraco’s participants reported that lack of sexual tension in these friendships allows the participants to meet each other’s intimacy needs and to play together safely, some reported this aspect of their relationship required negotiation.
These relationships are not just personally precious and exciting for the participants, but serve important societal functions as well. Muraco observes, “the personal is political” (118). For example, these intersectional relationships might allow “gay men and lesbians to experience aspects of straight life that might not be available to them otherwise” (p. 120), perhaps through their inclusion in mainstream family life. More importantly, all of the participants in these relationships are positioned as bridges between social worlds, whether between straight and gay worlds or between male and female worlds. They also serve as advocates, and sometimes become gay rights or feminist activists. These friendships therefore provide “hope for wider social change” (p. 144).
This book was originally a dissertation. As a result, although the expected literature review is thorough, well organized, and worth reading, it is a bit tedious. My first reaction upon reading it was that the literature review is disconnected from the analysis that follows; by the end of the book, however, Muraco manages to pull the threads of her argument together and to demonstrate that by “understanding close relationships across differences, we understand the potential of friendship to challenge inequality or reproduce it” (34).