Abstract
How young women negotiate sexual agency in first sex is contingent upon the specific social construction of female and male sexuality and the sexual double standards in a particular local context. Within Philippine Roman Catholicism, a strong religious moral discourse equates virginity with a woman’s honor, making first sex or virginity loss a source of shame. This has implications for women’s experiences of sexual agency. We report on research in which a group of eight young Filipina women wrote their memories of first sex and collectively analyzed these memories. Using thematic analysis, we derived five themes about why they engaged in first sex: (1) “giving in,” (2) “nadala” or “carried away,” (3) love, (4) self-expression, and (5) coercion. Avoiding sexual agency in giving in and nadala is linked to the experience of pain, loss, and shame. Recognizing sexual agency by articulating first sex as a need for sexual self-expression is tied to the experience of pleasure. The absence of sexual agency is seen in the experience of coercion and subsequent trauma. Despite variations in these women’s constructions of first sex, each can be seen as ways of preserving a woman’s social status and maintaining a “good girl” position.
Keywords
Feminist researchers have long problematized women’s ability to negotiate sexual agency with men in the context of sexual double standards in which men’s sexual behavior is judged by different standards to women’s (see Fine, 1988; Fine and McClelland, 2006; Holland et al., 1996b; Tolman, 1994, 2002). In a cultural context where the sexual double standard is framed by a strong religious moral discourse of sexuality in which virginity is associated with a woman’s honor and virility is a symbol of manhood, how do young women negotiate sexual agency? It is this question that we explored with a group of eight young Filipina women as we analyzed memories of their first sex experience. We focus on first sex as a critical moment in the lives of young people as it plays a significant role in the development of sexual identities, self-concepts, relationships, and later sexual subjectivities (Carpenter, 2001; Weis, 1983). Researchers in the UK and the US have found that for young women, first sex or virginity loss can be a complicated, even violent and traumatic, event (Holland et al., 2000; Tolman et al., 2003). Using memories of first sex, we look at how young Filipina women construct sexual agency in the context of Philippine Roman Catholicism.
First sex, sexual agency, and sexual double standard
Research in the US and the UK has found that sexuality in general, and first sex or virginity loss in particular, is a gendered phenomenon (Carpenter, 2001, 2002; Holland et al., 2000, 1996b). In these studies, first sex for young men is often a rite of passage, an empowering moment, and a predominantly positive and pleasurable experience. For young women, first sex or virginity loss is much more complicated and is typically a negative and less pleasurable experience.
A number of studies have documented the negative consequences of first sex for teenage girls in the UK and the US: the experience of pain and negative affect (Thompson, 1990); guilt and anxiety (Weis, 1983); the shame upon virginity loss (Carpenter, 2001, 2002); and the risks of sexual pressure, dangers of coercion, and loss of reputation that complicates first sex (Holland et al., 2000, 1996a; Tolman et al., 2003). In the US, teenage girls who experienced shame and negativity in first sex constructed virginity loss as a “gift” (Carpenter, 2001, 2002) and “something that just happened” (Thompson, 1990). Teenage girls who experienced sexual pleasure in first sex saw it as an antidote to the stigma of virginity or as a natural part of the process of discovery and growing up (Carpenter, 2001, 2002; Thompson, 1990).
While the dominant picture for young women is a lack of sexual agency and the subsequent experience of pain and negativity in first sex, research indicates that young women are also able to actively negotiate sexual agency in first sex and experience sexual desire and pleasure (Carpenter, 2001, 2002; Martin, 1996; Thompson, 1990). Young women actively construct the meaning of first sex (Carpenter, 2001, 2002; Thompson, 1990), just as discourses surrounding sexuality shape their experiences of first sex (Moore and Rosenthal, 2006; Schwartz, 1993).
Sexual agency here refers to the ability to recognize one’s sexual feelings or desires and to act upon these desires (Martin, 1996; Philips, 2000). Tolman (2002, 2012) further contends that sexual desire is at the heart of sexual subjectivity—the experience of the self as a sexual being—which in turn is necessary for sexual agency (Martin, 1996). In this paper, we refer to sexual agency as the ability to make a choice about one’s sexual experiences as reflective of one’s sexual desires (Martin, 1996; Philips, 2000). Sexual agency is the act of wanting sex and owning the decision to engage in first sex.
Constructing sexual agency in first sex takes place within the wider sociocultural context of sexual double standards and contradictory messages about female sexuality. Despite many social changes (such as the sexual revolution, the women’s movement, and the greater sexual freedom experienced by women in the US), sexual double standards remain (Crawford and Popp, 2003). Within this social order, “[f]emale sexuality is subjugated to and defined by a hegemonic male sexuality that requires proof of masculinity through (hetero)sexual performance” (Jackson and Cram, 2003: 113). Thus, for example, sexual double standards may construct men as active sexual agents and women as passive sexual objects, or women may be constructed as pure and virginal versus promiscuous and easy (otherwise known as the Madonna-Whore dichotomy), a construction not extended to men (Crawford and Popp, 2003). For American teenage girls, the choice is between being the chaste and feminine “good girl” or the sexual “slut” or “bad girl” (Tolman, 2002).
This good girl–bad girl dichotomy in American culture shapes the sexual subjectivities of teenage girls as they experience their sexual feelings or desire as a dilemma, experience uncertainty about their sexual feelings, resist their desire, or act upon it while negotiating the social costs of becoming the “bad girl” (Tolman, 2002). In a landmark paper on female adolescent sexuality, Fine (1988) argued that the discourse on female sexual desire, pleasure, and subjectivity is missing in American public and private discourse. And yet alternative discourses of sexual permissiveness and openness to female sexual desire have already emerged in both the US and the UK, sending conflicting messages about sexuality to young women in these contexts (Fine and McClelland, 2006; Hollway, 1996).
Philippine Roman Catholicism and premarital sex
This paper seeks to extend our understanding of how young women construct sexual agency in unique local contexts where a strong religious moral order shapes the discourses surrounding women’s and men’s sexuality. In the context of Philippine Roman Catholicism, Filipinos’ sexual attitudes remain generally conservative (Natividad and Marquez, 2004; Tan et al., 2001). Sex is often described by Filipino adolescents as sinful and bastos (profane), unless taking place in the context of love and marriage, which makes sex right and sagrado (sacred) (Tan et al., 2001). A national survey revealed that 80% of Filipinos disapprove of premarital sex (Dayag-Laylo and Montelibano, 2000). A survey of adolescent females in Metro Manila showed that 69% of young Filipina women believe that they should remain virgins until marriage (Ofreneo, 2007). In a study on teenage female sexuality, young Filipina women reported feelings of guilt and anxiety associated with the conflict between their sexual feelings and their Catholic faith (Conaco, 1980; Gilandas et al., 1982).
And yet not all young Filipina women have negative perceptions about losing their virginity (Conaco, 1980; Gilandas et al., 1982). The landmark study on teenage female sexuality by Gilandas et al. (1982) showed that young Filipina women can have positive experiences of premarital sex. The majority of the women in this study shared that premarital sex was a “pleasurable bond” between partners “in a love relationship” (p. 112). The authors concluded that teenage Filipinas seem to be engaging in premarital sex “without guilt” (p. 96). They argue that this youth subculture appears “invisible,” creating an impression that young Filipina women are sexually conservative.
How young Filipina women experience sexual agency is contingent upon the specific social construction of sexuality in this particular local context. The meaning of sexuality and of sexual double standards are locally constructed within communities and negotiated within particular social groups (Crawford and Popp, 2003). In the Philippines, sexuality is framed by a strong religious moral order dictated by the Roman Catholic Church (Austria, 2004; Claudio, 1999). Rooted in Spanish colonization, Roman Catholicism continues to dominate the country’s laws and social mores (Austria, 2004; Pui-lan, 2005).
Historical texts show how Spanish colonial rule led to the discipline and control of indigenous Filipina women’s sexuality (Mananzan, 1987; Reyes, 2008; Santiago, 2007). Spanish Roman Catholicism introduced a new image of woman through the Blessed Virgin Mary, elevating the status of virginity and making women who lose their virginity lose face (Brewer, 2001; Mananzan, 2004). Young women were judged by their sexual purity, as engaging in premarital sex was defined as a sin that destroyed a woman’s honor or puri (Reyes, 2008). Filipina women were labeled as either “good women” (disente) if they preserve their virginity before marriage or as “bad women” (nakakahiya) if they engage in premarital sex (Brewer, 2001; Claudio, 1999; Mananzan, 2004; Reyes, 2008). Today, the ideal conception of the Filipina woman remains that of a virgin until marriage (Claudio, 1999).
Sexual double standards are locally constructed in the social roles of diskarte and disente (Tan et al., 2001). Diskarte is the male role of making the first move and expressing sexual interest in women while disente is the female role of keeping themselves decent, that is not sexual (Tan et al., 2001). Women are to curb the uncontrollable sexual desires of men as premarital sex comes with the danger of panganib or unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and brings shame or kahihiyan to a woman’s family (Jocano, 1998; Medina, 2001).
What causes disgrace to one’s family is of utmost importance in a collectivist culture such as the Philippines where social norms are valued over individual goals (Bulatao, 1964, 1998; Triandis, 1994). Engaging in first premarital sex then not only labels young Filipina women indecent or “bad women” (nakakahiya), it is also a source of shame (kahihiyan) for the woman and her family as virginity loss is equated with losing a woman’s honor or puri (Chaves, 2002; Reyes, 2008). This paper seeks to contribute to our knowledge of how women construct the meaning of first sex within the confines of a Catholic discourse that equates a woman’s honor with preserving her virginity.
Against this backdrop, we sought to answer the following research question: in the context of Philippine Roman Catholicism, how do young Filipina women construct sexual agency in first sex?
Method
To capture how young Filipina women construct their first sex experience, we asked a group of eight young Filipina women to individually write their memory of first sex and to collectively analyze these memories. Following the feminist theory behind memory work (Haug, 1987), we began with individual memories of first sex as constructions of subjective experience and looked at how women socially constructed their first sex experience in three group discussions. The research process was a memory work-like exercise (see Stephenson and Kippax, 2008; Willig, 2001, for a detailed account of memory work as a feminist methodology).
Memory work involves three phases: (1) generating memories, (2) collective analysis of the memories, and (3) integration and theory building (Willig, 2001). In this study, we followed the first two phases of memory work before proceeding with thematic analysis of the text (Braun and Clarke, 2006). During the first phase, we created a group, selected a trigger, and asked the group to individually write their memories. One of the co-authors was part of the group and acted as participant–facilitator. Another participant was asked to serve as co-facilitator. We then asked the group to engage in the second phase of collective analysis of the memories in three separate meetings. As the group could not sustain its participation in continuing with the memory work, we, together with the co-facilitator, conducted the subsequent thematic analysis with the transcripts of the group discussions as text.
Phase 1: Generating memories
Creating the group
We initially recruited female college students who have engaged in sex through psychology classes. Only one person actually joined the group via this recruitment strategy. We then resorted to recruiting participants through our own social networks, which other researchers have found helpful in overcoming the reluctance to participate in a research on personal topics such as first sex (Carpenter, 2001). The memory work group was comprised of the facilitator (one of the co-authors), a group of four friends, a pair of friends, and a stranger (recruited from the psychology class).
The group consisted of eight heterosexual women, in their late adolescence and early adulthood, with first sex experience. Age ranged from 19 to 26 years except for the co-facilitator and facilitator who were 36 and 31 years old, respectively. Two were college students, two were graduate students, and four were professionals. All were single with the exception of the facilitator who was married (note that first sex in the study referred to first premarital sexual experience). Of the single women, four were in a heterosexual relationship. Ages at first sex ranged from 16 to 23. Participants were middle to upper-middle class and fluent in English, except for one member who was not as comfortable speaking in English. While all lived in Metro Manila at the time of the study, two grew up in Iloilo City and one grew up in Laoag City. Except for one who identified as “Born Again” Christian, participants were all Roman Catholic. Given the individual profiles of the women, the group is a relatively high socioeconomic class, highly educated, and urban sample of young Filipina women. This is part of the limitations and scope of the study. As Gilandas et al. (1982) noted in their study of young Filipina women, higher education is associated with a more liberal view of sex.
All participants were adequately informed of the research objectives and parameters before joining the group. They had given their informed consent and commitment to join all the group discussions. An atmosphere of trust and openness was created in the group meetings which the women validated as they shared how talking about their first sex experience was healing and transformative. Throughout the process, the women used pseudonyms to symbolically assure each other of confidentiality.
The trigger is a word or phrase that is expected to generate memories that are relevant to the topic, in this case, first sex. The trigger used was “going all the way” for the first time. “Going all the way” is a colloquial reference to sex, which is socially constructed as penile–vaginal intercourse or penetration (Tan et al., 2001).
The women were given detailed instructions on how to write the memories via phone and e-mail. They were given a week to write their memories of first sex. Memories were written in the third person, in as much detail as possible, but without interpretation, explanation, or justification (Stephenson and Kippax, 2008; Willig, 2001). The memories were written in English.
Phase 2: Collective analysis of the memories
Collective analysis began in the group’s first meeting. Participants spoke in English and Taglish (mix of Tagalog or Filipino and English). The group began by reading their memories of first sex one at a time. The group atmosphere was initially filled with nervousness as the women shared their individual memories. The group was sensitive and empathic to each narration and was generally engaged in the analysis of each individual memory. By the end of the first session, the discussion had become more open and spontaneous as participants were eager to share and compare experiences. The second meeting took place 3 days later. It began with participants sharing a feeling of catharsis from talking about their first sex experience and proceeded into an analysis across the memories. The third meeting took place 10 days after the second meeting. Because of political events at this time, only six of the eight participants joined the third and last meeting. Using the transcripts of the first and second meeting as text, the group integrated the insights gained from previous analysis and subjected them to further analysis.
Phase 3: Thematic analysis
The group discussions were tape-recorded and transcribed. These transcripts constituted the data for thematic analysis. Following Braun and Clarke (2006), we, together with the co-facilitator, engaged in an individual reading and re-reading of the text, generating initial codes, and searching for initial themes. We then engaged in a collective review of the themes in three meetings. The first meeting involved a line-by-line review of our coded transcripts and a discussion to arrive at a consensus as to the set of themes. The second meeting involved reviewing and finalizing the set of themes and the meaning of each theme. Data were then sorted according to this set of themes. The third meeting involved a review of the final set of themes with the data. We, the authors, engaged in writing up the themes into a final report. The writing of this paper went through further analysis as the final set of themes was organized and integrated into a coherent whole. This paper presents the results of the thematic analysis of the text that focuses on the women’s constructions of their first sex experience. All data extracts are presented in the original language spoken, that is, English or Taglish.
Results
From our thematic analysis of the eight memories of first (hetero)sex and the three group discussions that collectively analyzed these memories, we derived five themes on why young Filipina women engaged in first sex: (1) first sex as “giving in,” (2) first sex as “nadala” or “carried away,” (3) first sex as love, (4) first sex as self-expression, and (5) first sex as coercion. We interpreted this range in the meanings of first sex as degrees of sexual agency. On one hand, “giving in” and “nadala” attributed first sex to external forces: “giving in” to the boyfriend or to the “spur of the moment,” implying that the woman had little or no choice or agency. On the other hand, engaging in first sex to show one’s love for one’s partner or to express one’s self signified that first sex was a woman’s choice. The account of rape represents first sex as coercion.
We then categorized these five attributions for engaging in first sex in terms of constructing sexual agency within first sex and came up with three overarching themes: (1) avoiding sexual agency, (2) recognizing sexual agency, and the (3) absence of sexual agency (see Figure 1). We argue that women avoided sexual agency by constructing the reason for first sex as “giving in” or “nadala,” recognize sexual agency by constructing first sex as an expression of love or of the self, and are devoid of agency when first sex is by coercion. We now illustrate the meaning of each of the five themes and explain how they reflect degrees of sexual agency.
Young Filipina women’s ways of negotiating sexual agency and their experience of first sex.
Avoiding sexual agency
Is the decision to engage in first sex a woman’s choice? We approached the analysis from the point of view of sexual agency which we interpret as a willful act of wanting and engaging in sex. To articulate that sex is one’s choice reflects sexual agency. To say that sex was “giving in” to one’s boyfriend and the pressure to have sex or that one was “carried away” by the moment or “nadala” signifies an avoidance of sexual agency. This implies that this subgroup of women did not want to have sex when they engaged in first sex or that they were hesitant, unsure, uncertain, or ambivalent. In constructing first sex as “giving in” or “nadala,” these women are letting go of the decision to have sex and are refusing to own their first sex experience.
First sex as “giving in”
The first theme of “giving in” was most salient for the group of young Filipina women as they discussed this theme most extensively. It is illustrated in the two memories below that give accounts of “giving in” to the boyfriend’s persuasion to have sex: he kissed her suddenly on the neck and the girl got confused. she knew then that they were taking it too far. she gave in, anyway. (Lorena’s memory) the same scenario ensued a few more times after with much persistence from the guy and much hesitation from the girl. but later on, off course, she gave in. (Chantal’s memory)
In Chantal’s memory, the following line was significant: “but later on, off course, she gave in.” She explained that having a boyfriend meant eventually having sex, that it was inevitable: “being part of a relationship like that would also entail you having sex. and that was the pressure that was on me” (Chantal). Hence, “giving in” was succumbing to the pressure to have sex that comes from a woman’s duty to her partner. Some of the women in the group recounted initially resisting their partners’ invitations to have sex. Eventually, they narrated “giving in” to their boyfriends’ persistence, reassurance, and emotional talk. As Violet explained: it was more of an appeal to my emotions … sort of an emotional blackmail … it wasn’t really … like I was forced, like he was gonna … hurt me or anything if I didn’t do it. but more of like … if you love me then we’re gonna do it.
First sex as “nadala” or “carried away”
The second theme of “nadala” constructs first sex as outside a woman’s control. First sex was not a woman’s conscious choice. Rather, she was helpless to the emotions that took over her ability to reason and make decisions. She was no longer responsible for her actions. This theme of “nadala” or literally “swept away” is depicted in the following memory: “and with her emotions soaring and all judgment thrown out of the window, she allowed him to be physical” (Ruth’s memory).
Ruth further explained the meaning of “nadadala” as being carried away by passion or emotion and losing one’s ability to reason or to make the “right” judgment: “mayroon din naman nadadala by the setting, emotions … experiences. (there are those who get carried away by the setting, emotions … experiences.)” (Ruth).
Reason would have dictated “waiting for the right circumstances” (Ruth). But in her decision to have first sex, emotions took over and “there was no judgment at all” (Ruth). This absence of rational decision-making during first sex is also alluded to by Violet: “I didn’t think about anything. it was just something that happened” (Violet).
Violet further explained that she failed to realize the significance of first sex and its possible consequences at that particular moment of passion.
Avoiding sexual agency and the experience of pain and loss
We have argued that by constructing first sex as “giving in” and “nadala,” women are avoiding sexual agency. They refuse to recognize their own sexual desires and their ability to act upon these desires. We further argue that this avoidance of sexual agency is linked to the subsequent experience of pain and loss that was the most salient experience of first sex shared by the women in the group discussions. The experience of pain and loss was intensely and lengthily discussed as first sex was described as a negatively charged emotional experience. First sex was constructed as an experience of physical pain, emotional loss, and social shame.
For the subgroup of women who avoided sexual agency, first sex was primarily characterized by the physical experience of pain as vividly described in the quotes below: it hurt. it hurt like hell. almost like a knife was being forced in to her. (Margot’s memory) she asks him to stop because it was painful. (Violet’s memory) when he finally penetrated, the pain was so excruciating that tears started flowing from her eyes. (Ruth’s memory) he kept assuring her that it was the most wonderful feeling and that he really loved her. he told her that the feeling was like to heaven and back, but it really wasn’t. (Chantal’s memory) And when they finally finished she thought, what in the world is the big deal? it didn’t even feel good. it just hurt. (Ruth’s memory) for women, we lose something. your hymen breaks and that physical … that physical manifestation is of something torn, something lost, something that was taken … but for men … they don’t lose anything … it’s already an indication of how deep the act is compared to men and women … it’s not that easy especially for the first time because there is really something taken … emotionally … meron kang binigay (you gave something) … meron kang sinacrifice (you sacrificed something) … (Ruth)
And when expectations were not met, first sex was constructed as a profound emotional loss. First sex was an emotional disappointment as emotional expectations that came with first sex later on became unfulfilled promises: “like the first time, he told me that parang yung commitment niya mas mag-improve (he told me that his commitment will improve) … hindi naman ganon talaga (in reality, it’s not true). things don’t work that way” (Lorena).
For some of the women in our group, emotional disappointment is in reference to experiencing infidelity and not ending up marrying the man with whom they had first sex.
The sense of loss experienced in first sex extends to the social repercussions of breaking the virginity norm and the experience of shame in losing one’s virginity.
The women spoke about the fear of being judged: if people found out, even your friends found out that you were having sex … which something might seem … you know, dirty … then you will feel ashamed to face them … you’re afraid that they’ll judge you even if you’re good friends … there’s always that fear that there’s gonna be judgment passed and that people will look at you in a different light. (Violet) she longed to get closer, but she was scared. what if she got pregnant? what if she lost all the objectivity in the relationship? her mother had warned her about that. what if he lost respect for her? if they broke up, would other men still want to marry her? (Margot’s memory)
With the experience of shame, loss, and disappointment, some of the women regretted their first sex experience: “I made the decision that I was not ready to make … I realized that if I had to do it over again, I definitely wouldn’t have done it, that way” (Violet).
As shared by Ruth, virginity loss was like wearing the “scarlet letter.”
Recognizing sexual agency
While we analyzed “giving in” and “nadala” as ways of avoiding sexual agency, we interpreted engaging in first sex for love and for self-expression as ways of recognizing sexual agency. To acknowledge that first sex was one’s decision is to recognize sexual agency. Whether it is for their partner as an expression of love or for themselves as part of self-expression, this subgroup of women is owning the decision to have sex. This implies that these women wanted to have sex and made the decision to engage in sex. They are recognizing their own sexual agency.
First sex as love
Though close to the meaning of “giving in” as a woman’s duty in a romantic relationship, there is greater expression of volition in the theme first sex as love. Unlike in “giving in,” women here are making a conscious decision to have sex in order to express their love for their partner as illustrated in the quotes below: besides, didn’t she want to show him how much she loved him? … so one day, she decided. (Margot’s memory) but then she thought of how much she loved him. and she realized that she wanted to share this with him. (Ruth’s memory)
For others, first sex was a choice made toward the ultimate goal of a lifelong bond between a man and a woman, the promise of love forever: it’s like … a gift given by God … it was supposed to bind them together di ba? (right?) for a lifetime nga (in fact). (Ruth)
First sex as self-expression
Most indicative of a sense of agency is the theme first sex as self-expression. Only in this theme do women construct first sex as an act that is for the self and not the other (partner). Women here are acknowledging their own “desire” to have sex without referring to desire. This theme is illustrated in the two memories that follow: It had felt more and more fun … spending breathless moments together … then wanting, wanting, wanting it to be so much more … and so, lost in her ardor for him, and in the magic of being in love … Vivian was finally resolved, “ok, let’s do it.” (Vivian’s memory) imagine his surprise when Clarice told him, “Baby, make me happy” … she felt so dead that she needed to feel that pain … she needed him to reach inside of her and make her feel alive … (Clarice’s memory)
And that sex is part of expressing the self: i-express mo yung sarili mo sa taong yun (express yourself to that person). that’s all. (Lorena) and maybe that’s why I feel that sex is inevitable. because then, if I didn’t have sex, I would suppress one part of my, you know, expressing myself. (Chantal)
This concurrent avoidance and recognition of sexual agency appears as a paradox which may be a reflection of the ambivalence women felt entering into first sex. It can be interpreted as a recognition that sex is partly but not fully a woman’s choice.
Recognizing sexual agency and the experience of pleasure
We have argued that in constructing first sex as an act of love and a form of self-expression, women are recognizing sexual agency and are owning the decision to engage in first sex. We further argue that this recognition of sexual agency is linked to the experience of pleasure. The women who expressed agency by saying that first sex is self-expression narrated pleasure in their memories of first sex as illustrated below: she liked best the touching and kissing part. she was happy but afraid, too, lest she’ll get pregnant. (Lorena’s memory) it had felt more and more fun and yummmmm … until they had begun regularly spending breathless moments together. (Vivian’s memory)
Similar to the pattern of concurrent avoidance and recognition of sexual agency in first sex, there were accounts of both pleasure and pain. These accounts were distinct from the narrations of intense pain and loss that came with avoiding sexual agency. The emotional tone of these memories was neither intensely painful nor clearly pleasurable. Examples of these mixed emotions accounts are shown below: so they kissed, and rolled around, and enjoyed each other … then … out of some nervousness, a fear of the unknown, a fear of pain … then he was in … what really stayed with her of that first time was her surprise. the unexpectedness of it. (Vivian’s memory) she was clearly shocked and at the same time excited about this new feeling … the feeling was indescribable … he finally managed to get it in … nothing special … (Chantal’s memory)
Absence of sexual agency
We have conceptualized the reasons for engaging in first sex as a spectrum of sexual agency, from avoiding sexual agency to a simultaneous avoidance and recognition of agency to recognizing sexual agency in first sex. In the account of rape, we see how first sex can also be completely devoid of a woman’s choice. A woman’s sexual agency can be taken away from her.
First sex as coercion
One memory of first sex was the experience of rape: “he pulled his manhood out and forced himself on her. she said no. he said ‘you’re going to like this’. she said no. he shoved himself in her. she screamed” (Babygirl’s memory).
Babygirl shared her first sex experience of being violated by a male friend while hanging out. Believing she was safe with her guy friend, she had been drinking beer and playing games with him at his place when he started kissing and undressing her. Despite insistently saying “No” and struggling to fight back, she could not stop him. The group knew then that Babygirl’s experience was different from theirs, and that sexual violence is part of the realities of first sex for women.
Absence of sexual agency and the experience of trauma
Of all the accounts, the most painful and negatively charged emotional experience of first sex was rape: “ouch! that hurts! ayoko na! (I don’t want!) virgin ako! (I’m a virgin!)” he said, “that’s good!” she was struggling to fight back. but the more she fought, the more pain she felt … when he was done with her, she ran to the bathroom … her delicate area was burning. she cried while letting the warm water wash away her pain. (Babygirl’s memory)
In the case of coercion or sexual violence, the absence of sexual agency leads to the experience of trauma.
Discussion
In this paper, we have analyzed five themes of how young Filipina women construct why they engaged in first sex: as “giving in,” as “nadala” or “carried away,” as love, as self-expression, and as coercion. We have argued that these themes can be categorized as ways of constructing sexual agency, with “giving in” and “nadala” as avoiding sexual agency and love and self-expression as recognizing sexual agency. Coercion is the absence of sexual agency. We further argued how women’s ways of constructing sexual agency in first sex are linked to their constructions of their experiences of first sex. We illustrated that avoiding sexual agency is linked to women’s experience of pain and loss in first sex. For this subgroup of women, first sex is constructed primarily as an experience of physical pain, emotional loss, and social shame. We showed that recognizing sexual agency is tied to the experience of pleasure in first sex but only when sex is directed to the needs of the self and not that of the other/partner. We also found patterns of simultaneous avoidance and recognition of sexual agency linked to mixed emotions, of both pain and pleasure, in first sex. But it is first sex as self-expression that seems to be the most agentic act for young Filipina women that is subsequently experienced as pleasure. The absence of sexual agency is related to the experience of trauma.
We argue that how women construct agency in first sex has to be interpreted within the specific cultural constructions of women’s sexuality, in this case, a strong religious moral discourse surrounding first sex. Seen in this light, avoiding sexual agency can be viewed as an act of agency to maintain a woman’s honor and preserve her standing in society. Within a Roman Catholic discourse, “giving in” and “nadala” send the message that “I did not do anything wrong,” that sex was beyond a woman’s control, that sex was ultimately the man’s fault. In avoiding sexual agency, a young woman is asserting that she is not to blame for sex. Hence, she is positioning herself as still a “good girl.”
On the other side of the spectrum of sexual agency is “sex as love” and “sex as self-expression.” Aligned with the Catholic discourse that love and marriage makes sex sacred (Tan et al., 2001), women are justifying first sex as an act of love. In doing so, women maintain their position of being good women or remaining a “good girl.” Sex as self-expression, as the most agentic reason for first sex, acknowledges a woman’s bodily desire but in nonsexual terms. Perhaps this is similar to what Gilandas et al. (1982) observed as the invisibility of teenage Filipina sexuality: that a discourse of female sexual desire exists but it is hidden. By creatively masking sexual desire in nonsexual language, young Filipina women are able to express desire without appearing bastos or profane (Tan et al., 2001). Hence, they are able to maintain their position of being a “good girl.”
Is this expressive sex discourse akin to the permissive discourse in the west (Hollway, 1996)? We argue that expressive sex emanates from women living in a collectivist culture where hiya or sensitivity to group norms is highly valued (Bulatao, 1964, 1998; Jocano, 1998). Women construct female sexual desire in socially acceptable language to assert sexual agency without directly threatening or confronting social norms, thereby observing hiya. Though the permissive discourse that emanates from a western, individualist culture such as the US is accessible, Filipina women are constructing an alternative discourse that is sensitive to cultural norms.
How does a young Filipina woman say that “I have sexual desires” and “I am still a good girl” at the same time? We argue that there is contestation even as there is accommodation of the good woman/bad woman discourse. Even as young Filipina women construct first sex as an act of love (and not desire), as emotional (and not physical), as a duty to another (and not for one’s self), as “nadala” or “giving in,” there is an assertion of agency to preserve their social status and self-image as good women. Constructing sex as not of their doing is an assertion of agency to avoid the stigma and negative consequences of becoming bad women. Hiding sexual desire in nonsexual language is a way of accommodating the good woman/bad woman discourse while simultaneously contesting it.
A significant implication of the study is how the experience of sexual pleasure is linked to the articulation of the needs of the self, which we interpret as recognition of sexual desire. As Tolman (2002, 2012) argued, it is desire that is at the heart of sexual subjectivity, and consequently, sexual agency. We take the position that young Filipina women may not be directly articulating sexual desire and yet are acknowledging their desire through an expressive sex counter-discourse. Such is the paradox of accommodating social expectations while simultaneously contesting them. The concurrent avoidance and recognition of sexual agency imply that the route to desire and pleasure can be confusing and complicated for women. The interplay between cultural discourses and individual subjectivities is complex. Indeed, the process of negotiating sexual agency for young Filipina women is made uniquely difficult by the history of the sexual double standard and the specific Philippine Roman Catholic discourse that values women for preserving their virginity.
Feminists have long argued that there is a need to create a discourse of heterosexuality that clearly articulates female sexual desire (Crawford et al., 1994; Fine, 1988; Holland et al., 1996a; Tolman, 1994, 2002). But as of yet, there is no language and no socially acceptable way for women to express this desire (Holland et al., 2000). A “woman-centered” discourse? (Crawford et al., 1994) A “thick desire” discourse? (Fine and McClelland, 2006) A “self-expression” or “expressive sex” discourse? In the absence of such a language, the paradox of accommodation and contestation is how young Filipina women are negotiating sexual agency while at the same time keeping sex sacred and not profane.