Having sex,wanting intimacy: Why women settle for one-sided relationships Weber JP

Reviewed by: Sarah Crooks, University of Derby, Derby, UK.

Jill Weber has written what is, in essence, a self-help book, directed towards young women who engage in what she terms “sextimacy.” Chapter 1 defines this as repeated casual sexual encounters with men who are not really interested in anything more, in the hope that this will become a committed relationship. Weber argues that these are young women who suffer from low self-esteem and who, therefore, get a thrill from being the objects of sexual desire. This gives their self-esteem a temporary boost but is followed by the realisation that the man isn’t really interested, which leads to self-esteem depletion. Weber argues, however, that “sextimacy” can also be a problem for women in marriages, sometimes leading them to have affairs, because they have never allowed their husbands to get to know them as they really are.

Each subsequent chapter deals with a different aspect of the topic, some having self-assessment questionnaires to determine the extent to which the reader is affected, and exercises to help readers change their behaviours. The first three chapters consider those aspects of our culture which, it is argued, are contributing factors in “sextimacy.” These include a narcissistic culture, intra-sex competition, the popular media and the family; parents in particular are seen as a major contributor to the problem. Girls, Weber argues, are brought up to be “pleasers” seeking parental approval and validation of their feelings, and it is from this that they draw their self-esteem. Parents who fail, for whatever reason, to provide this validation, are setting their daughters up for “sextimacy.” Chapters 4 to 7 focus on recognising these self-esteem issues and finding ways to overcome them, by learning to pay attention to what one is feeling and naming it. The aim of these chapters seems to be to encourage self-discovery and understanding, on the premise that this will improve self-esteem and eventually lead to healthier relationships – a laudable objective.

Each chapter could be read as a stand-alone piece, making it easy to dip in and out of those chapters most relevant to the reader’s particular situation. As such, and taken at face value, this is a useful book for anyone who has problems with romantic relationships and thinks they might be suffering from “sextimacy.” On closer inspection, however, there were aspects of the book which are problematic, from a social psychological and, particularly, from a feminist perspective.

One such problem is that although the author draws on various theories to make her argument, there is a lack of critical engagement with them. At one point, drawing on neuroscience, Weber argues that because sex releases oxytocin in the brain, producing feelings of attachment, the women engaged in “sextimacy” form an emotional bond with their sexual partners. Weber goes on to assert that the level of oxytocin produced during sex is related to the intensity of orgasm. Somewhat perversely, she then suggests that women engaged in “sextimacy” are unlikely to enjoy sex, since it lacks emotional intimacy, and that they do not have orgasms. However, Weber also asserts that these women still have feelings of attachment following what seems to be unsatisfactory sex with men who treat them badly. This seems to me to be a rather incoherent argument and one can only assume that the presumably low levels of oxytocin these women experience during sex have a particularly powerful effect. Indeed, Weber does acknowledge that this is a “paradox”. Furthermore, though I am no neuroscientist, surely the connection between oxytocin and feelings of attachment is merely a correlation, and one should be very careful about making such strong claims as to causation. Indeed, Tallis (2011) has eloquently argued that neuroscience often goes too far in its claims relating to brain and behaviour and has written of the misuse of bioscience.

A further problem is epistemological inconsistency. At times, throughout the book, there is an orientation to a particular epistemological perspective, only for it to be countered or modified by a different perspective at a later point. For instance, it is argued that “most little girls are born with an innate aptitude for reading emotional cues and for verbalizing their emotional reactions … this is a common sex difference” (p.45), though later it is suggested that “speaking is not entirely an innate ability” (p.104). Overall, however, there is a thread of biological determinism which runs throughout, including the assertion that women have a “stronger drive for intimacy and commitment” (p.107, my italics). To a feminist, this seems reactionary and ignores the wealth of literature which argues that many of these “sex” differences are better understood as gender differences, and the product of socialisation processes (e.g. Fine, 2010). Even beyond psychology there is doubt as to the biological basis for the long-term fidelity which Weber argues is what women want, but which is not universal across cultures (e.g. Carbone & Cahn, 2006).

The most problematic issue for me, as a feminist, however, is the assumption of heteronormative ideals. A committed monogamous (heterosexual) relationship is held up as the gold standard. A somewhat moralistic tone runs through the book, orienting to gender stereotypes which some might have hoped had been cast aside in the 1970s and 1980s: that all women want a committed relationship, do not want casual sex, and that men want non-committal sex, with Weber asserting that “sextimacy unilaterally meets the needs of men more than the needs of women” (p.177). Women who argue that they do want casual sex are accused of “drinking the Kool-aid” (p.185), i.e. going along with a bad idea because of peer pressure. They are advised to remind themselves of the research into the connection between oxytocin and sex and to look “deep down” to see if what they really want is a committed relationship. Women tempted to engage in “sextimacy” are advised to “remind yourself that research shows most women do not even enjoy sex without emotional intimacy” (p.188). The social factors which might be implicated in these assumptions are not addressed. It would have been interesting to have seen some discussion about whether women genuinely and unilaterally want committed relationships, as is claimed, or whether some women like uncommitted sex but have difficulties accepting that desire because society is disapproving. Indeed, the book does address the fact that society puts pressure on women to be sexual, but fails to recognise that it also puts pressure on them to pair off and commit.

Overall, I found this book to be an easily readable, but often confusing assortment of theories, and incoherent epistemological perspectives are used to support the argument put forward, and this weakens Weber’s argument. Nevertheless, this book could be of interest to those counselling women with relationship difficulties. Some of the practical aspects of the book, such as the questionnaires and exercises might also be of help to women who feel they are prone to “sextimacy”, particularly in helping them to improve their levels of self-esteem – a worthy cause in itself – and, after all, it is they to whom the book is addressed.