Remarriage in India: Online Presentation Strategies of Men and Women on an Indian Remarriage Website

Abstract

Traditionally, attitudes towards remarriage in India have been characterised by scepticism and suspicion, especially in the case of women. Online remarriage sites promised to open up new possibilities for Indians seeking remarriage. A study of self-presentation strategies adopted by men and women in their online profiles posted on a popular remarriage site shows that while the new technology may have made it easier for divorced and widowed individuals to search for partners, profiles presented emphasise caste and community affiliations, and reinforce gendered roles and expectations. Those seeking remarriage, especially women, engaged in substantial efforts to allay fears and concerns associated with divorce and remarriage in India by adhering to normative standards characteristic of a deeply patriarchal society. While many profiles of men highlighted a sense of male entitlement and privilege, an account of the circumstances of divorce was missing from the profiles of both men and women even as the Indian family as a site of harmony and respectability was emphasised by both. Furthermore, while men made consumerist promises in their statements, women used their online profiles to express their consumerist dreams, simultaneously adhering to gendered expectations. Finally, both men and women engaged in selective self-presentation emphasising socially desirable traits such as a light skin tone or a desirable body type in a neoliberal context marked by consumerist modernity.

Keywords

Remarriage in India self-presentation on Indian marriage websites matrimonial advertisements

Introduction

Marriage is a near-universal phenomenon in Indian society characterised by strict regulation of sexuality, especially that of women (Abraham, 2001). In fact, controlling a young woman’s sexuality and safely giving it to the hands of her husband is given tremendous importance in the Indian society (Karlekar, 1998). However, remarriage following a divorce, can be extremely challenging, specifically for Indian women as a woman with a failed marriage is considered ‘impure’ (Holden, 2008). Furthermore, separated or divorced women are categorised as belonging to a ‘twilight zone of neither being respectably married nor widowed—especially those who have themselves left their partners’ (Mander & Rai, 2010; as cited in Singh, 2013). Widows, who are also single women, are at a disadvantage in the remarriage market due to traditional attitudes, especially in caste Hindu communities (India Today, 2013). In such a socio-cultural context, online matrimonial sites catering to those seeking remarriage promised to open up new possibilities and chances, especially for educated Indians living in urban areas (Dommaraju, 2016).

According to the 2011 Census, there are respectively 1.5 million and 3.2 million divorced or separated men and women in India (Dommaraju, 2016). The relatively lower number of divorced or separated men compared with women in the same category may be attributed to higher rates of remarriage among men (Dommaraju, 2016). With the aim of illuminating prevalent gender roles and expectations in Indian society in the context of remarriage, this study will explore gender differences evident in the online profiles of men and women on a popular Indian remarriage website, secondshaadi.com . How does technology mediate attempts to remarry in the Indian context? Do men and women follow different self-presentation strategies in online environments focusing on remarriage? Are prevailing negative attitudes and norms regarding remarriage reflected in these profiles? What strategies, if any, do men and women adopt to countervail these negative social judgements and stigmas around second marriage? Overall, this study will seek to identify and explain self-presentation strategies followed by Indian men and women seeking remarriage and locate them in the wider socio-cultural context.

The structure of the paper is as follows. In the first section, we present a theoretical foundation to the analysis of self-presentation in online profiles on matrimonial and dating websites. We then present research on the Indian matrimonial space leading to our research questions. Next, we present our method and summary statistics of our data. Qualitative textual analysis of the long form responses in the online profiles is presented in the section after that. Finally, we turn to our conclusions and suggestions for future research.

Strategic Self-presentation and Adherence to Gender Roles

Papacharissi describes the self-presentation process as ‘an ever-evolving cycle through which individual identity is presented, compared, adjusted, or defended against a constellation of social, cultural, economic or political realities’ (Papacharissi, 2011, p. 304). In the context of dating and marriage, many scholars have studied how men and women employ specific self-presentation strategies to improve their chances of finding a partner through newspaper advertisements, video-dating and online searches (Cameron, Oskamp, & Sparks, 1977; Maclaran, Broderick, Takhar, & Parsons, 2008; Vaast, 2007; Woll & Young, 1989; Ye, 2006). Most such self-presentation studies, which invariably draw upon Erving Goffman’s (1959) classic thesis, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, indicate that the objective of these personal ads is geared towards generating the optimum number of prospective partners that meet the advertiser’s benchmark criteria.

Online media facilitate selective self-presentation by making it easier for people to highlight the more desirable aspects of their identity and conceal the negatives (Schau & Gilly, 2003). Culture, socio-economic and political context influence the meaning of marriage and expectations associated with it (Sen, Biswas, & Dhawan, 2011; Twamley, 2014). In the Indian context, previous research has identified the spousal preferences commonly announced in Indian matrimonial advertising: caste, languages spoken, living conditions (e.g., living with extended family or alone), body type (slim or average, with ‘heavy’ being disfavoured) (Seth & Patnayakuni, 2009), and skin colour, with lighter skin tones preferred (Jha & Adelman, 2009).

Studies show that men and women often align the presentation of their personality traits with normative gender roles and expectations (Buss, 1989; Davis, 1990; Jagger, 2001; Koestner & Wheeler, 1988; Ye, 2006). In a study on mate choice, Perusse (1994) found that a man’s social status served as an important criterion for women’s choice of partner while women’s reproductive potential became important for men. Komarovsky (1946) highlighted the point that due to a clash between the ‘socio-economic and ideological character of modern society’, women face contradictory expectations of their adult sex roles wherein a ‘middle-of-the-road personality’ appeared to be most coveted. Thus, young women are expected to be

informed and alert but not consumed by an intellectual passion; capable but not talented in areas relatively new to women; able to stand on her own feet and to earn a living but not so good a living as to compete with men. (Komarovsky, 1946, p. 189)

Furthermore, in order to meet social expectations, users of online matrimonial sites might employ specific cues to highlight their conformity to socially desirable values and gendered norms (Mishra, Monipally, & Jayakar, 2013). In a study on self-presentation strategies followed by Muslim men and women seeking marriage on shaadi.com , which is a popular matrimonial website in India, Mishra, Monippally and Jayakar found that both men and women, specifically the latter, strove to establish in their profiles their traditional bona fides, while participating in a new and non-traditional practice such as online matrimonial advertising.

The Online Matrimonial Space in India

Online matrimony is growing in India as users find it both convenient and efficient. A study conducted by the Associated Chamber of Commerce and Industry of India (ASSOCHAM) showed that the country’s online matrimonial market size was worth ₹5.20 billion in the year 2012–2013 (approximately US$100 million at the 2012 exchange rate) (ASSOCHAM, 2013). The same year, about 50 million people registered on various matrimonial websites. The study also showed that the gender ratio on matrimonial websites matches the gender ratio of Internet users in the country (69% men and 31% women).

The first matrimonial website in India was started in 1996 with the launch of shaadi.com (shaadi means marriage in Hindi); there are now more than 1,500 matrimonial websites in India (Pal, 2010). Online matrimonial advertisements offer the opportunity to create rich individual profiles, the ability to use multiple filters to narrow searches and enable simultaneous interaction with several interested parties (Seth & Patnayakuni, 2009). In the case of remarriage, online platforms are also valued for the privacy they claim to provide (Chandran, 2016). Online profiles also have a greater shelf life than ads in newspapers and create the possibility of a sustained flow of respondents. It is also easier to reject potential suitors online as the process does not involve ‘loss of face’ unlike the case in offline settings in the Indian context. Although online matrimonial websites offer greater reach and scope for interaction, they also ensure just as newspaper ads did that one does not make what may be perceived as a ‘wrong choice’ by family members by falling in love with someone from a different caste, class or religion (Kaur & Dhanda, 2014, p. 289).

Although several researchers have examined print matrimonial advertisements in India (Murthy & Ranga Rao, 1984; Pandey, 2004; Ramasubramanian & Jain, 2009), others have analysed online matrimonial profiles (Agrawal, 2015; Jha & Adelman, 2009; Mishra et al., 2013; Seth & Patnayakuni, 2009; Sharma, 2008; Titzmann, 2011, 2013, 2018). However, a literature review did not yield any studies that explore online matrimonial advertisements for divorced and widowed individuals in a society such as India where remarriage is often frowned upon. Drawing from such a socio-cultural context and keeping the gap in research in mind, this study seeks to answer the following research questions:

RQ1: What are the presentation strategies followed by Indian men and women on a remarriage website?

RQ2: What are the partner preferences of Indian men and women on a remarriage website? What are the differences in partner preferences between men and women?

RQ3: What strategies do Indian men and women adopt in their online profiles to fight the stigma of divorce? Are these strategies significantly different for women and for men?

Research Methods

To answer these questions, a sample of 300 profiles was downloaded between January and March 2016 from the website S econdShaadi.com , which claims to be the ‘no.1 matrimonial site for Indians looking for a second marriage’. SecondShaadi (trans. second marriage,).com claims to target divorced, widowed and older singles. The company introduces itself with the following words on its website:

Remarriage in India has always been a topic best left untouched. Through ages, society has dealt with divorcees, widows and widowers with a different eye. SecondShaadi.com is our humble attempt to eliminate all such biases and provide an effective platform for individuals seeking remarriage and yearning to start a new life.

Here, it may be noted that both Indian marriage and remarriage websites follow a similar model. The user profiles in both types of websites are structured along traditional categories such as caste, community, religion, mother tongue, occupation, income, etc., while offering some individual information about the users’ hobbies, interests and partner preferences. SecondShaadi.com offers similar search options and filters as found in websites that predominantly focus on first marriages such as Shaadi.com, Bharat Matrimony, etc. The only difference that stands out is the focus on eye-catching visuals of young couples on websites that primarily advertise for first marriages while SecondShaadi.com displays few visuals on its main page and appears more functional in nature. Instead, SecondShaadi.com offers advice on remarriage in the form of articles linked to its main page. In fact, one such article carried various comments from users including the following: ‘Finding love is like finding shoes… people look for good looking ones but somehow they end up with ones they feel comfortable with.’ Another user asked: ‘Is there a girl for me too? God knows. I have realised one thing: that there is no life and scope for honest, loving and sensitive people on this “waste earth”’. All users were not equally hopeful of success, one of them even wanting advice on social acceptance of remarried couples.

For the purposes of this study, we considered each profile as the unit of analysis. The sample contained an equal number of male and female profiles. Each profile was assigned a serial number. On SecondShaadi.com, profiles can be posted either by the person seeking marriage or by any other person on his or her behalf, such as a family member or friend.

The website provides a standardised format for profiles. A series of drop-down options record the age, marital status, gender, height, complexion (skin tone), body type and native language of the candidate. The profile also contains information about the ‘socio-religious background’ of the candidate including categories such as religion, community, caste, sub-caste, family values, eating, drinking and smoking habits. The candidate’s annual income, educational and professional data and astrological birth charts are also included in the remarriage profile. Spousal expectations along all these parameters are recorded. Apart from these rigid drop-down options in the profile menu, users are provided the option of three descriptive entries titled ‘about me’, ‘about family’ and ‘partner preferences’.

Demographic and other variables included in each profile were recorded for this study along with other elements such as the presence or absence of photographs. To examine both manifest and latent meanings, a quantitative analysis was conducted of the categories alongside a qualitative textual analysis of the descriptive entries. A total of 45 variables were recorded for each profile. All variables used in this analysis were based on user responses selected from the website’s drop-down menus. For these variables, we relied on the advertisers’ self-reported responses within the options set up by the website and did not code them ourselves. To develop a profile of advertisers in the aggregate, we used descriptive statistics across key demographic variables. Inter-relationships between variables were explored using cross-tabulations.

As mentioned above, we made a qualitative textual analysis of the descriptive text included in the profiles. Unlike the quantitative content analysis, textual analysis is generally a type of qualitative analysis that, beyond the manifest content of media, focuses on the underlying ideological and cultural assumptions of the text. Text is understood as a complex set of discursive strategies that is situated in a special cultural context (Fürsich, 2009, p. 240).

Textual analysis was considered a suitable method to understand how remarriage proposals are presented online in the Indian context as it allows ‘for thorough examination of themes, keywords and metaphors that give rise to meanings’ (Mishra, 2012, pp. 873–874). Drawing upon the process of categorisation as detailed in the study by Lindlof and Taylor (2002), we engaged in several readings of the three qualitative sections of each profile, which aided in identifying themes and categories that connected them. All profiles analysed in this study were available in the public domain. Verifying the authenticity of the profiles and the information provided in them are beyond the purview of this study.

Data Analysis

As stated earlier, a total of 300 matrimonial profiles were collected, split equally by gender. Table 1 gives a summary of selected demographics of candidates.

Table 1.

Select Demographics of Candidates

	Number	Percentage
Gender
Female	150	50
Male	150	50
Age
25–34	136	45
35–44	130	43
45–54	27	9
55–64	4	1
Below 25	3	1
Religion
Hindu	256	85
Muslim	18	6
Christian	17	6
Sikh	4	1
Other	5	2
Marital Status
Divorced	133	44
Never Married	66	22
Separated	50	17
Widowed	45	15
Annulled	5	2
Not Mentioned	1	0.3
Region
North	134	45
South	81	27
West	62	21
East	23	8
Authorship of Advertisement
Self	248	83
Family	42	14
Friend	10	3
Complexion
Fair and Very Fair	195	65
Wheatish and Wheatish Brown^a	100	33
Dark	5	1.7
Body Type
Average	153	51
Slim	110	37
Athletic	33	11
Large	4	1

Source: The authors.

Notes: ^aIn sub-continental English usage, ‘wheatish’ indicates a light brown skin tone (like the colour of wheat).

Age, Marital Status and Disclaimers

Most participants belonged to the 25–44 age category. Cross-tabulating the profiles by age and gender revealed that the age profile of the candidates differed significantly by gender (Pearson’s r = 19.27, n = 300, df = 4, p < 0.01). Male candidates tended to be older than female candidates on the remarriage website. Furthermore, only 3 per cent of the women compared with 17 per cent of the men were in the 45 or older category. Interestingly, more than one-fifth of the profiles claimed to be ‘never married.’ It was intriguing to find such a large number of ‘never married’ people on a remarriage website titled SecondShaadi.com. A cross-tabulation between gender and marital status showed that whereas 32 per cent of the profiles of men claimed that the candidate had never been married before, only 12 per cent of the profiles of women claimed the same. Thus, more men than women mentioned ‘never married’ as their marital status on this remarriage website. Thus, the distribution was significantly different by gender (Pearson’s r = 29.09, n = 299, df = 3, p = 0.001). One candidate, a man, did not report his marital status.

Although it is difficult to identify the exact reason why such a large number of ‘never married’ men have posted profiles on a remarriage website given the stigma attached to second marriage, the presence of disclaimers on several female profiles insisting that they are interested in marriage alone and not in casual romantic relationships may offer a clue. These disclaimers indicate that the website was being used by ‘never married’ men for dating and associated purposes, and that female advertisers were pre-empting such contact by including the disclaimers: 14 per cent of female profiles in this sample carried a disclaimer that they were not interested in dating and/or ‘timepass’ and that only people serious about marriage should contact them. Only one male profile carried a similar disclaimer. We analyse this finding in greater detail in our qualitative analysis.

Gender and Profile

Matrimonial advertisements in India for either men or women are more likely to be placed by family (Seth & Patnayakuni, 2009). But for remarriage, our data indicated that an overwhelming majority of advertisements (83%) were placed by the candidates themselves, rather than by family or friends. In the Indian context, the stigma and family dishonour attached to divorce and separation might alienate and distance the divorced person from his or her family (Rao & Sekhar, 2002). It is therefore unsurprising that a larger percentage of candidates for remarriage were ‘on their own’ and advertising for oneself. However, there was also a significant difference (Pearson’s r = 29.44, n = 300, df = 2, p < 0.01), between men and women: whereas almost all men placed the advertisements themselves (94%), women were less likely to do so with only 71 per cent of the ads being placed by self.

Gender and Family

Family values play an important role in the spouse selection process as they signal one’s ‘upbringing, socialisation and cultural capital’ (Kaur & Dhanda, 2014, p. 285). Nearly half of all the profiles mentioned ‘traditional’ as their family value. The need to alleviate the stigma associated with second marriage could be a possible reason people wanted to highlight that they had traditional values. Meanwhile, 38 per cent mentioned that they had ‘moderate’ values and 16 per cent mentioned having liberal values.

Gender and family values were significantly related. Significantly fewer women (12%) claimed to have liberal values compared with men (21%). While a majority of women (51%) claimed to have moderate (as opposed to liberal or traditional) family values, a majority of men (53%) claimed to have traditional values (Pearson’s r = 19.589, n = 300, df = 2, p < 0.001). The fact that so many women claimed to have moderate values indicates their flexibility to potential suitors. Similarly, the majority of men portraying themselves as having traditional family values seem to be attempting to reassure women who might be concerned about the reasons, which led to their divorce. Both divorced men and women are viewed with suspicion in India (Kishwar, 1994), and such assurances on their part could be an effort to allay the fears of a potential partner.

Gender, Family Values and Profiles

To see if family values (liberal, moderate or traditional) made a difference to rates of self-advertisement, we cross-tabulated this variable with profile presentation, in the expectation that individuals from more traditional families are likely to have families place advertisements conforming to traditional patterns. However, our data showed that individuals self-advertised in comparable rates from liberal (92%), moderate (74%) and traditional families (87%). The chi-square test showed that the distribution as a whole was significantly different from the expected (Pearson’s r = 11.16, df = 4, p <0.05).

Finally, we also cross-tabulated profile authorship with gender and family values. The category ‘profile authorship’ refers to the person who is mentioned in the online matrimonial profile as having posted the profile on the website. Here, it may be pointed out that in the Indian context, the person seeking a marriage partner may not post their own profile on the matrimonial website. Instead, parents, friends and relatives of the prospective bride or groom may post it for them. Once the gender is held constant, there was no significant relationship between the declared family values of the person seeking remarriage and the declared author of the profile on the website. This indicates that the primary driver of profile authorship is gender, with men more likely to post their own profiles on a remarriage website than women, who still seem to rely on family or friends to advertise for them.

Physical Appearance and Attire

Sixty-five per cent of all profiles claimed to have a ‘fair’ or ‘very fair’ skin tone. Only one person claimed to have a ‘dark’ skin tone and 33 per cent claimed to have ‘wheatish’ or ‘wheatish brown’ complexion. A cross-tabulation between gender and complexion did not yield statistically significant results as both men and women claimed to have light skin tones. This trend highlights the tremendous pressure on both Indian men and women to have light skin tones for better chances in the matrimonial market including on a remarriage website. This is a significant finding since previous studies have shown that the pressure to have lighter skin tones has weighed more heavily on Indian females than males (Utley & Darity, 2016; Vaid, 2009).

Indian men and women face similar pressure in terms of their body type as well. A cross-tabulation between gender and body type showed that only three female profiles and one male profile mentioned ‘large’ as their body type. Nearly half (47%) of all women and more than one-fourth of all men (27%) claimed to be slim. More than half of the men (56%) and a substantial number of women (46%) claimed to have an ‘average’ body type. The gender differences were statistically significant (Pearson’s r = 19.41, n = 300, df = 3, p < 0.001).

Furthermore, nearly all men (96%) wore western attire in their profile pictures, whereas a majority of women (66%) wore Indian attire such as sarees and salwar kurtas in their profile pictures. Amongst women, only 23 per cent wore western attire. Finally, most of the profiles carried a photograph of the candidate alone. However, 11 of the male profiles carried a photograph of the candidate with a car or motorbike signalling their consumerist achievements. Five of the female profiles and two of the male profiles carried a picture of the candidate with a child.

Religion and Caste

Most of the profiles (85%) in the sample used for this study belonged to Hindus followed by Muslims and Christians at 6 per cent each. Furthermore, an overwhelming majority (89%) of profiles mentioned caste. Both men and women were almost equally likely to mention caste. More than half of the profiles also mentioned a sub-caste. Again, no statistically significant difference was observed amongst male and female profiles in terms of mentioning sub-caste. Caste was a feature of the drop-down menu of profiles on the remarriage website, although users do have the choice of leaving it blank.

Education and Profession

A majority of the users of the remarriage website appeared to be well-educated. Nearly half of all profiles (47%) mentioned having a bachelor’s degree, whereas 30 per cent claimed to have a master’s degree. Only 13 per cent mentioned being educated up to high school level or below. Gender and level of education were not significantly related; although slightly more women than men claimed to have a master’s degree, almost equal numbers had bachelor’s degrees.

Amongst those men and women who claimed to be working, a cross-tabulation between profession and gender (Pearson’s r = 57.51, df = 7, n = 254, p < 0.001) showed that more women (21%) than men (6%) were in administrative, customer support and beauty-industry roles, whereas more men ran businesses (18%) or held engineering and IT-related jobs (12%) than women (3% and 6%, respectively). Also, more women (22%) worked as school teachers and college lecturers than men (2%). However, almost an equal percentage of men and women (26%) held jobs in the management and accounting field. Here, it must be noted that 29 per cent women claimed to be ‘not working’, whereas three men mentioned the same.

Income

Nearly half of all the profiles (46%) earned between ₹100,000–600,000 annually (approximately US$1,434–8,603). Approximately 2 per cent earned above ₹2,500,000 (US$35,848), whereas 14 per cent of the profiles mentioned earning below ₹100,000 (US$1,434). With India’s per capita GDP at US$1,598 for 2015, according to World Bank data, this would place most of the candidates in our sample solidly in the middle class, but a significant number also held low-income jobs. Furthermore, income and gender were significantly related. Overall, men earned more than women. Among those who claimed to be working and had mentioned their income, 3 per cent women earned between US$1,500–9,000, whereas 15 per cent men fell in that category. Furthermore, while 31 per cent women stated they earned less than US$1,500, only 7 per cent men fell in that bracket (Pearson’s r = 36.25, df = 5, n = 234, p < 0.001). This apart, more than one-fourth of the women did not have a job and 7 per cent women did not mention income, although they were working.

Drinking and Smoking Habits

Seth and Patnayakuni (2009), who examined online matrimonial sites and the transformation of arranged marriages in India, found that while men who do not smoke or drink are preferred, women who have such habits are shunned. Reflecting such social norms, an overwhelming majority (82%) of the individuals in our sample mentioned that they never consume alcoholic beverages, whereas 17 per cent mentioned having a drink occasionally. Only two people mentioned drinking regularly. They were both men. While 94 per cent women mentioned they never drink alcoholic beverages, 6 per cent women, that is, only 9 out of a total of 150 women mentioned drinking occasionally. Similarly, 88 per cent of the sample claimed they never smoked tobacco. Only five people mentioned smoking regularly. Four of them were men. While approximately 97 per cent of women claimed they never smoked tobacco products, around 2.7 percent women, that is, only four out of a total of 150 women, mentioned smoking occasionally. Only one woman mentioned that she smoked regularly.

The following section summarises the qualitative textual analysis of the long-form answers provided in the profiles.

Textual Analysis

Women: Portrayed as Simple, Caring and a Blend of Tradition and Modernity

‘Simple’ and ‘caring’ were the most frequently used words to describe women looking for remarriage. For instance, a 35-year-old administrative professional introduced herself with the following words: ‘I am very simple and a down-to-earth girl, looking for a modest and simple life partner’. Many women declared themselves as very positive, good-natured and balanced individuals. A 37-year-old divorced woman from Pune, a city in western India, described herself as someone who liked helping people less fortunate than herself. A parent described his/her 38-year-old daughter as someone who ‘understands family values’ and would ‘never hurt anyone’s feelings’. The parent further described her as a good caretaker and cook. In fact, several women claimed to be good cooks. Women also emphasised their ‘homely’ and ‘soft-spoken’ nature in their profiles. For instance, a 38-year-old from New Delhi stated, ‘I had a short non-consummated marriage. I am a homely, soft spoken girl of friendly nature with modern outlook’. The emphasis on the ‘non-consummated’ state of her marriage may be understood in the context of the continuing importance given to virginity in Indian society and its association with family honour.

It is likely that one of the primary reasons most profiles highlighted the woman as simple, caring, good-natured and soft-spoken was to fight the stigma of divorce in Indian society (Rao & Sekhar, 2002). Vandana Shah, a divorce lawyer highlights the ‘shame and secrecy surrounding divorce’ in India. A person going through divorce is ‘ostracised, everyone blames you for your troubles and judges you negatively even if they have partial to no facts(sic) on the matter’ (Shah, 2016). Perhaps women and men emphasised their amicable natures to reduce the perceived stigma attached to divorce.

While both men and women had to assuage concerns associated with divorce, women, in particular, had to convey their cooperative nature and modesty to potential partners emphatically because they tend to be blamed for marital breakdown (Hornbeck, Johnson, LaGrotta, & Sellman, 2007; Rao & Sekhar, 2002; Shah, 2016) since the Indian society places the responsibility to ‘adjust’ to oppressive circumstances on women and expects them to endure physical and mental abuse in the process. Despite this social expectation, 57 per cent of divorce cases in India are filed by women (Faye et al., 2013).

Many women also described themselves as a good blend of tradition and modernity. A 40-year-old business analyst described herself as ‘a great companion’ and a ‘sensitive caretaker’ with a ‘perfect blend of modern and traditional sensibilities but not losing out on values’. In this way, the business analyst signalled that although she had a good job, she would still give priority to her home and take the time to care for her future husband’s family members. In a related study, Sharangpani (2010) interviewed clients of one of the oldest marriage bureaus in Mumbai and found that these educated and urban Indian women were careful not to give the impression of being too career-oriented during marriage negotiations as they did not want to risk being perceived as someone who would neglect their family duties for the sake of their career goals.

Men: Portrayed as Well-Settled, Simple and Honest

Men’s emphasis on material achievements and economic resources in their matrimonial ads is in conformity with the traditional gender role of men as the providers in families. Many men primarily focused on their occupations and professional qualifications in the ‘about me’ section. Some also mentioned that they owned houses, cars, etc., implying that they had the financial resources to provide a comfortable life to their prospective partner. A 37-year-old IT administration professional wrote the following:

I own a flat in Bombay and a duplex bungalow in Lonavla too, I have a Yamaha R15 bike and Maruti Omni car, I am equipped with some amenities like washing machine 6kg, 2Ton Samsung split AC, Micro Oven, 52” LCD TV, THX Sound System.

Such blatant declarations about consumer goods were meant to convey his ability to fulfil all the material desires of his potential spouse.

Furthermore, many men claimed to be simple, honest and straightforward. A 38-year-old who worked in a software consulting firm wrote, ‘I am open minded, straight forward and god-fearing person’. A 37-year-old accountant mentioned that he would not ‘impose restrictions’ on his life partner as he was a simple, down-to-earth person who was against the ‘divorce & dowry system’. Some men also referred to their good looks in their profiles. A 27-year-old man who claimed to be ‘never married’ wrote that he was honest, kind-hearted and handsome, with a ‘six-packs body’.

Partner Preferences

Women seek responsible, understanding men who are serious about marriage.

Women (and/or their family members who authored their profiles) stated that they were looking for prospective grooms who were responsible, caring, honest and understanding. An important requirement for many women was that the prospective spouse must ‘accept’ the woman with her child. For instance, a 32-year-old woman from western India mentioned that she was keen for a partner who will ‘accept’ her along with her four-year-old daughter and who will ‘allow’ her to work after marriage. Specifying that the prospective partner should ‘allow’ her to work after marriage reflects the patriarchal values internalised by many women in the Indian society.

Some women specifically stated their preference for applicants who had either a government job, a job in a multinational firm or held a similarly high-status post. A 40-year-old woman was even more specific. She mentioned in her profile that her prospective partner’s salary should be above ₹100,000 per month (approximately US$1,500) and that he should own a house.

As mentioned in the quantitative analysis, 22 of the total number of advertisers were never married (32% of the men and 11% of the women). It is unlikely, given the stigma of divorce and remarriage in India, that close to a third of all men would contemplate marriage to a widowed or divorced woman. The fact that many female profiles included specific prohibitions against men seeking casual or ‘time-pass’ liaisons suggests that many unmarried men have joined SecondShaadi.com for precisely such purposes. Many women emphasised that only men who were serious about marriage should respond to them. A 34-year-old academic who mentioned her doctorate degree and posted a picture of herself standing next to a bookshelf, clearly stated: ‘Profile without photograph plz do not contact and those who are never married do not contact.…Those who r here just for passing there [sic] time and believe in live-in relationship, do not dare contact me. I still believe in the institution of marriage’.

Another 35-year-old woman explained why only people serious about marriage should get in touch with her: ‘It [secondshaadi.com] is definitely not a site for time pass. We have all gone through already rough patches in our lives so request don’t waste time if you are not serious’. Several women also mentioned that only ‘legally divorced’ people should get in touch. However, male users rarely mentioned such criteria. Here, it may be noted that the 2011 census shows that the number of ‘separated’ spouses is thrice that of the divorced members of the population, which may be attributed to the stigma associated with divorce and the delay caused in Indian courts (Jacob & Chattopadhyay, 2016).

Men Seek Caring, Simple, Soft-spoken Women; Beauty an Added Advantage

The men on secondshaadi.com often described their prospective spouse as someone who should be ‘caring, simple, soft-spoken and homely’. The requirement for the prospective spouse to care for the candidate’s elderly parents and family members was common to many profiles. For instance, a 44-year-old divorced accountant wrote: ‘I m looking for a partner whose nature will be caring & loving & who can take care of my parents’. A 45-year-old businessman from South India wrote, ‘I want a loving and caring lady who can take care of me and my kids’.

Many men also described their suitable partner as someone who should be ‘simple’ and ‘down-to-earth’ and with strong family values. A few mentioned that their prospective wife should also know cooking. Several men also mentioned that they wanted their prospective partner to be beautiful. A 50-year-old administrative professional wrote the following about his prospective wife: ‘My partner should be soft spoken, loving and caring. She should know good cooking and also to keep the accounts. She should be fair, slim, tall and beautiful’. Another candidate mentioned that he was looking for a ‘beautiful lady’ to look after his home and that she should be fluent in English.

A few men said that they would have no problems with their prospective wives working outside the home. For instance, a 36-year-old man from Mumbai wrote that he was looking for a life partner who knew household work and would love him and his family. ‘I won’t mind if she is working’, he added. Such comments are symbolic of male privilege within a sociocultural context where working outside the home after marriage is considered a masculine entitlement and often dominates women’s career choices. Also implied is that women’s right to work has to be ‘permitted’ or ‘allowed’/accepted by their partner.

Descriptions of Family

Women’s Families

Description of the advertiser’s family often included reference to the occupation of her parent(s) and siblings, and the latter’s marital status. The professional qualifications of the siblings helped to portray the family’s socio-economic status in society, which is considered to be an important criterion in arranged marriages in India. Some users mentioned that their siblings were ‘settled abroad’, Having a close relative working/living abroad, especially in countries such as the UAE, the United States, etc., increased a woman’s social capital in the Indian marriage market.

The language used in several advertisements appeared to specifically counteract the negative stereotype that divorce does not happen in respectable families, and that it signifies a lack of family values or honour. Several users highlighted the point that their families represented ‘a combination of traditional values and modern approach’. Other commonly used descriptions for candidate’s families were ‘simple’, ‘educated’, ‘respectable’ and ‘cultured’. For instance, a 37-year-old divorced beautician wrote ‘I belong to a highly respectable family, enriched with traditional and moderate values’. A 41-year-old divorced teacher emphasised that her family ‘are a very well connected, professionally oriented well-known family known for its values’.

Men’s Families

Men took care to mention that they belonged to ‘well-settled’ families. A 40-year-old businessman from Bangalore who described himself as ‘simple’ and ‘high-thinking’ claimed the following: ‘In our family we have 45 Doctors, only 6 are Engineers’.

Many male users also mentioned the marital status of their siblings. This could be attributed to the Indian custom of unmarried siblings being considered the responsibility of the elder son. For instance, a 39-year-old man who claimed to be ‘ambitious’ and ‘a fighter’ wrote, ‘My father is University Professor and head of department, mother a home maker. I have one sister, who is married, and my younger brother is studying. We have a strong value based traditional family’.

Discussion

Although attitudes towards divorce, separation and remarriage have certainly evolved away from customary and traditional rigid taboos, they are still imbued with suspicion and stigma. A close reading of the matrimonial advertisements yields not merely insights into self-presentation strategies of individuals, but also offers a window into prevailing social norms and attitudes regarding divorce and remarriage. In this section, we will attempt to interpret and explain our findings by locating them in the wider socio-cultural context and by drawing upon previous works in related fields.

Portraying Gendered Roles: Enacting Male Entitlement and Privilege

Analysis of the profiles shows that both women and men adhered to gendered expectations of society in their online presentations. Portraying such normative gendered roles were most likely intended to allay concerns associated with divorce in Indian society and to make a strong pitch for remarriage. In Indian society, Hornbeck et al. (2007) argued that the ‘failure of a marriage is nearly always viewed as the woman’s fault and a reflection of her character, morals or child-bearing ability’ (p. 277). Women are usually held responsible both in the case of divorce by mutual consent and fault-based divorce where the woman may have sought divorce on grounds of her husband’s cruelty or infidelity (Amato, 1994, p. 212). Even when a man’s behaviour is found to be problematic, the woman is blamed for causing it (Amato, 1994, p. 212).

Unsurprisingly, women described themselves in their profiles as simple, caring and soft-spoken, whereas men focused on their occupations and professional qualifications even as they claimed to be simple and honest. Symbolic of male privilege in a patriarchal society, many men claimed to be looking for spouses who would care for their children from a previous marriage and elderly members of their family while a few women’s profiles included requests to prospective spouses to merely ‘accept’ their children. It would appear that women expect less than men.

Also, a majority of women claimed to have ‘moderate’ family values and presented themselves as a blend of modernity and tradition. Most women wore traditional Indian attire in their profile pictures, whereas most men wore Western attire. Not a single woman mentioned that she regularly consumed alcoholic beverages. Similar trends have been observed in previous studies (Ramasubramanian & Jain, 2009; Sharangpani, 2010; Titzmann, 2013). The ideal Indian wife is viewed as someone who is a deeply committed caregiver at home, although she might also have a demanding job outside of home (Ramasubramanian & Jain, 2009).

While both men and women, especially the latter, made substantial efforts to alleviate the stigma associated with divorce by emphasising socially desirable traits, what was missing from the profiles revealed much about the normative expectations placed by the Indian society on the users of the remarriage website. Neither men nor women gave any account of the contexts of the divorce in their profiles. In the sample analysed for this study, nobody referred to an abusive marriage or ‘dowry’ and similar demands from in-laws. Here, it may be noted that in Indian society, the family as a ‘site of exploitation and violence’ is rarely explored (Uberoi, 1995, p. 36). Instead, the family is eulogised as sacrosanct in the Indian socio-cultural discourse.

However, many recent studies as well as the women’s movement in India have sought to examine women’s position within the family and outside it, their politics, sexuality, health, education and more (John, 2008; Kasturi & Mazumdar, 1994; Khullar, 2005; Menon, 2012; Sarkar, Sharma, & Kasturi, 2002). That the family is held as sacred in popular discourse also explains why users of the website emphasised that they belonged to ‘respectable’ families in the profiles. By using the word ‘respectable’, they were assuaging anxieties associated with divorce and simultaneously communicating the fact that they adhere to normative standards. In a related research, Hussein highlights how middle-class women in the Indian subcontinent make assurances of their ‘respectable femininity’: ‘The normative conception of middle-class women’s respectability is measured against women prioritising family above work by performing their domestic, care, and socialising roles and by maintaining moral propriety’ (Hussein, 2017).

Aspiring for Consumerist Modernity: Reconciling Individual Desires with Patriarchy

A study of the profiles posted in the remarriage website also showed that, on the whole, women were looking for responsible and understanding men with well-paying, stable occupations, whereas men were looking for caring, soft-spoken and good-looking women with nurturing personalities. Many male profiles also highlighted material possessions. This may be interpreted in light of the intense consumerist desires that characterise a neo-liberal India where ‘ostentation and display’ have reached epic proportions (Dommaraju, 2016). Moreover, the online remarriage website provided a space where divorced and widowed women, who are often socially ostracised in India, could voice not just their personal expectations but their consumerist dreams as well.

In her study, Sharangpani (2010) too found that women in patriarchal societies view arranged marriages as a site for the fulfilment of their socio-economic dreams and desires in the context of an increasingly consumerist culture. In fact, she found that women even considered arranged marriages as a means of fulfilling some of their own professional aspirations. The women clearly indicated that they preferred to marry someone who would let them work outside the home while simultaneously not depending on their income for everyday material requirements. In this study, too, several women mentioned that they were looking for a man who would let them work outside of their homes. This attempt at reconciling patriarchal expectations with individual desires is indicative of the exercise of agency within the existing framework.

Profiles Include Caste and Community Affiliations: Exhibiting the Family

An overwhelming majority of male and female users mentioned caste in their profiles, whereas more than half even mentioned their sub-caste. In fact, Vivek Pahwa, CEO of the Pahwa KBS that owns secondshaadi.com , told Time magazine that although some may expect people seeking remarriage to be less particular about identifiers such as caste and religion, he believes that such people seem to care even more about them, especially if they have had a bad experience in their first marriage (Robinson, 2007). Seth and Patnayakuni (2009) also found that even when individuals initiated the spouse selection process online, they used the same criteria used by their families including caste, community, religion, etc. Furthermore, online matrimonial websites made it easier to find someone using conventional criteria such as sub-caste (Seth & Patnayakuni, 2009, p. 342). Arguing along similar lines, Agrawal highlights how Internet technology aids in ‘re-arranging marriage’ by giving a ‘new lease of life to conventional endogamous entities and kin groups by overcoming conditions of high geographical mobility and dispersion’ (Agrawal, 2015, p. 26).

This study shows that both men and women included descriptions about families, jobs held by parents and siblings, the marital status of siblings and where they live, etc., in their profiles, indicating that such categories remain resilient as well as within the traditional framework. Highlighting qualifications of parents and siblings helps maintain ‘class endogamy’ (Kaur & Dhanda, 2014, p. 285), and may also reinforce the ‘respectability’ of the family that has been brought into question through the stigma of divorce. Thus, while online marriage profiles make it easier to provide a good description of the self, they also provide ‘more space for the display of the “family”’ (Kaur & Dhanda, 2014, p. 284) to buttress respectability, status and cultural values, moderate or otherwise.

Engaging in Selective Self-presentation: Emphasising Positive Traits

Only one man in the sample mentioned his dark skin tone, whereas four people (three women and one man) mentioned having a large body type. Only two men admitted to drinking alcoholic beverages regularly and four others mentioned that they smoked regularly. Only one woman in this sample mentioned that she smoked regularly. While verifying the truth of these claims is not possible, the results indicate the continuing pressure on both men and women to present themselves as possessing socially desirable traits and to suppress information that is judged undesirable. Research shows that online daters often engage in selective self-presentation by emphasising positive information about themselves and downplaying the negative (Ellison, Hancock, & Toma, 2012; Toma, Hancock, & Ellison, 2008; Whitty, 2008). While several studies have examined the extent of discrepancies between one’s online presentation and offline self (Hancock & Toma, 2009; Toma et al., 2008; Whitty, 2008), Ellison et al. (2012) found that a certain degree of embellishment of one’s profile was considered acceptable or justifiable by online daters. In the case of Indian matrimonial websites, several claim to run verification services, although the final responsibility is placed on the user. Interestingly, one such remarriage website even offers detective services to verify the credentials of prospective spouses.

Conclusion

Before we conclude, it must be noted that an important limitation of this study is that it focuses on the analysis of profiles alone and does not include interviews of users. Such interviews would highlight usage patterns, help verification of some of the attributes claimed in the profiles and illuminate how users actually negotiate the online matchmaking profiles after the first stage of their search, namely, publication of their profiles. We leave it to future researchers to interview users of remarriage websites and compare their experiences with those of users of general matrimonial websites.

This study shows that men and women seeking remarriage in India adhered to gendered expectations of society in their online presentations. More specifically, profiles of men highlighted a sense of male entitlement and privilege even as they expected women to be nurturing caregivers for their children from a previous marriage and their aging parents. Whereas most men advertised for themselves, women showed some reliance on family and friends to advertise for them, although many also claimed to post their own profiles on the remarriage website. While creating their own profile (in a society where divorce and widowhood are generally stigmatised) indicated an exercise of individual agency, adherence to normative standards did not permit them to break out of the conventional framework. Furthermore, the very structure and design of the individual profiles on the website helped in giving good visibility to information about the class, status and values of family members and further reinforced traditional criteria such as caste and sub-caste in the spouse-selection process. Thus, the new technology plays a contradictory role in the context of remarriage: although it gives individuals relatively easy access to people whom they could approach for remarriage and encourages a heretofore unorthodox or stigmatised social practice, it also reinforces gendered and patriarchal roles and expectations in the process.

Footnotes

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The authors declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The authors received no financial support for the research, authorship and/or publication of this article.

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