The Experiences of Asian Americans Who Intermarry in the United States: A Qualitative Study

Literature Review

Black-white intermarriages have been the focus of most of the interracial research and attention (e.g., Bell & Hastings, 2015; Shibusawa, 2019). This attention can be attributed to the history of slavery in the United States and its continuing aftermath as well as the significant 1967 Supreme Court decision in Loving v. Virginia (Stokes et al., 2021). The Lovings were a couple where a Black woman was married to a white man, a marriage outlawed in Virginia and a few other states until the court ruled that states could not ban marriage between people of different races.

More recent research has focused on intermarriage between other races. Although the research on how interracial marriages fare is equivocal in terms of the levels of marital satisfaction compared with same-race marriages (Brooks et al., 2021), a body of research does indicate that couples may struggle, especially when one member experiences racism (Alio et al., 2020). Furthermore, Kil et al. (2021), in a review of the literature, highlight that intermarried couples experience more conflicts, less relationship satisfaction, and less marital stability. Their review though also emphasizes that differences can be mitigated if the partners of the couple show sensitivity to each other, thus ultimately highlighting both challenges and strengths of intermarriage.

Although the Loving ruling centered on Black-white marriage, it also paved the way for Asian Americans and others to intermarry. Asian Americans (68% of Asian American adults were born outside the United States [Noe-Bustamente et al., 2022]) are the fastest growing racial ethnic group in the United States, having grown by over 80% between 2000 and 2019 and now account for close to 6% of the U.S. population (Budiman & Ruiz, 2021a). Despite this population increase or perhaps because of it, 39% of Asians surveyed reported that people seem to feel uncomfortable around them and 31% said they had been the subject of jokes and slurs, more than any other racial or ethnic group (Ruiz et al., 2020). The rate of prejudice, discrimination, and crime against Asians continued to escalate during the pandemic when the linkage between Asian people and the virus was raised by President Trump (Lantz et al., 2023). Data from the Stop Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) Hate organization showed that more than 10,000 hate incidents against AAPI people were reported between March 2020 and September 2021 (Yellow Horse et al., 2021).

Although the research on Asian American interracial and interethnic dating relationships and intermarriage has been of interest for over 50 years in the United States and intermarriage for almost as long (e.g., Shinagawa & Pang, 1988; Weiss, 1970), there is an urgent need to reexamine their experiences during the pandemic as the current social context must be considered when looking at the experiences of couples in an interracial marriage (Leslie & Young, 2015). Most research combines populations from highly disparate countries as samples from one country are not always easy to find. In response to this issue, Choi and Severson (2009) aver, it is important to see Asian Americans as one and as many—to appreciate the similarities as well as the differences. Asian values broadly include family interdependence with a great respect for hierarchy and an approach to keeping and solving issues that arise within the family (Choi & Severson, 2009). Immigration status in the United States for Asians as compared with U.S.-born Asians, the reasons for immigration, the experiences during immigration, and separation from or connections with family in the home country and the United States can all affect the spouse as they enter into a marriage with a member of another race or ethnicity. For example, an Asian American spouse may feel discomfort seeking services from an outside agency (e.g., Weng & Netting, 2014) so that, if assistance is needed one spouse may feel comfortable seeking it and the Asian spouse much less so. Income, language proficiency, and the percentage of people from a country living in intergenerational households can also vary greatly for a racial group often viewed as a “model minority” (Chao et al., 2013).

Morgan (2015) analyzed 88 qualitative interviews conducted more than 20 years ago as part of the Children of Immigrants Longitudinal Study focusing on children of Asian immigrants from a number of different countries and originally living in Southern California. In focusing on gender in the partner relationship, one of Morgan’s findings is that Asian American women specifically seek out white men because of the perception (Morgan is careful to not say this is a reality) that someone from their own background will be more controlling and less egalitarian than white men who will be their “white Knights” in some way. Connected to this, Morgan referenced the social capital that some women feel they gain from marrying a white man. The interviews also revealed that the men were given more freedom with pre-marital cohabitation than the women, a possible reason that men would find it easier to date someone from outside their ethnic/racial group than a woman who was restricted by family from co-habitating. Of important note is Morgan’s caveat that attitudes are changing rapidly such that data from the early 21st century needs to be viewed within that context.

Han (2021) analyzed responses from Asian Americans enrolled in the National Latino and Asian Study (conducted in 2002 and 2003) using a sample of 73 men married to or cohabitating with white women and 134 women married to or cohabitating with white men. Four different language groups from Asian countries were grouped together to explore power differentials in the interracial relationship and how it compared with a larger sample of intra-racial relationships. Results showed that Asian men are more likely to share decision-making power with a white woman than with an Asian woman. Asian women showed no difference in decision-making whether they were married to a white man or an Asian man. One hypothesis for why the stereotype of the Asian woman dominated by the white man did not hold up is that the woman specifically engages in strategies to combat this stereotype (Han, 2021).

Nemoto (2008) interviewed five couples comprised of Asian men married to white women and five Asian men who had been in previous relationships with white women. The 10 men were from six different countries of origin. Nemoto focused on how the men competed with white manhood. The strategies he identified were “. . . (1) detesting white masculinities, (2) approximating white masculinities, (3) eschewing white masculinities, and (4) failing to maneuver white masculinities” (Nemoto, 2008, p. 87). Some men positioned themselves in relation to their relationships as hating what white men represented, as epitomized by frat boys, and acted in a less traditionally gendered manner. Those who approximated white masculinities were attracted to white women because of their appearance. Those who eschewed white masculinities sought women who would be equal to them. One man, whose marriage ended, failed to maneuver white masculinities because not only were he and his wife at odds about household responsibilities—he wanted her to behave as his mother had with his father in Japan—but also about his ability to communicate about his feelings—she wanted to go for therapy, and he refused. Her sense of what masculinity in the 21st century meant was different from his.

Such communication differences are not uncommon. Shibusawa (2019) cautions that clinicians must be aware of the different beliefs about family that Asian cultures have that privileges the blending of two families with marriage, rather than of two individuals. This potentially places the needs of the family above the needs of the couple. Shibusawa (2019) also cautions the clinician to be aware of the intersectionality of gender in the interracial marriage as reflected in one case example where the Japanese wife came from a culture of companionate marriage and the white husband from a culture of passionate marriage. Each felt the other was not meeting their needs.

If the couple has children, another layer of interactions is added. Rearing bi-racial children has received increased attention over the past few years and is affected by each parent’s racial identity (Holloway & Varner, 2021; Kil et al., 2021). Doucet et al. (2019), in reviewing the literature on raising mixed-race children, frame the challenges inherent in childrearing as such: “In a white supremacist hegemony, all parents must be vigilant. . .regarding the insidious toxic impact of racism, and parents raising children of color must provide them the psychological and cognitive resources necessary to maintain a healthy sense of self. . .” (p. 132). Strategies they identify from the literature to instill these resources include imparting positive methods about their racial identity, preparing them for bias, and teaching a perspective on egalitarianism. Doucet et al. (2019) also caution that extended family relations can be tricky to navigate for children who may, based on racial identity, feel closer to one side of the family. These are not just strategies that parents state they impart; they are messages that are received by the children. Christophe et al. (2021) conducted a Qualtrics survey of 286 multiracial college students and found that those students reported being raised with similar messages from their parents.

Although research tends to combine all Asian populations, Iwasaki et al. (2016) are one group of researchers who looked specifically at Japanese American women married to white men. Twenty-two interviews were conducted in the Seattle, Washington area to explore their experiences with microaggressions and with coping responses to racial discrimination. All participants had experienced microaggressions. Microaggressions at the hands of in-laws were sometimes based on stereotypes about Japanese culture. Coping responses included talking to their husband and eliciting support from him. Four respondents said their husbands did not support them and were insensitive to their experiences of microaggressions; one husband himself was targeted by whites due to being married to an Asian American. A few women remarked about being called derogatory names when with their husbands under the assumption that the white men they were with had bought their company.

Left virtually unexplored were intermarriages between Asians and Blacks. Both groups, according to a recent survey, fear violence against them because of their race (Gramlich, 2022). Thus, some of the privilege or protection that is perceived as coming from marriage to a white person (e.g., Morgan, 2015) would not be experienced by the couple. In one Pew Survey from 2012, Asians were reported to have the least favorable view of relations with Blacks, when compared with whites and Hispanics (Pew Research Center: Social and Demographic Trends, 2012). When generalizing this to family relations, it could be hypothesized that relations between in-laws on the one hand could be problematic or, on the other, both groups might bond over outgroup status and shared fears of hate crimes that a white spouse might not appreciate (e.g., Saviet & Greif, 2021).

As has been noted, minority groups’ fears have increased, and they have been targeted more. Women, in particular, have suffered over the past few years. Daftary et al. (2020), surveying both females of color and white college students, noted they experienced an increase in nativism, racism, and white supremacy. In addition, given the context of COVID-19 where one-third of Asian Americans reported a fear of threats, physical attacks, and most said violence against them is rising (Noe-Bustamente et al., 2022), this study, conducted at the beginning and during the COVID epidemic, aims to explore the interracial marriage experiences among Asians living in the United States. Given the unique differences in Asian American interracial marriage, this study will use a qualitative method to gain a deep understanding of Asian spouses’ experiences, which may generate valuable implications for social work services among this population.

Method

Sample

The sample consisted of 10 Asian women and 3 Asian men married to 11 white people and two Black people. They ranged in age from 21 to 62 years old (M = 38.7) and whose spouses’ ages ranged in age from 21 to 60 years old (M = 39). All the respondents have completed college or have post-college education, and slightly less than half are raising children (see Table 1 for the specific breakdown).

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Table 1.

Select Family Demographics of Study Participants.

Interviewee identifier	Interviewee gender	Interviewee age	Interviewee education (years)	Spouse race	Spouse age	Years married	Any children
Ms. A	F	44	20	W	50	15	2
Ms. B	F	29	17	W	32	1	No
Ms. C	F	44	18	W	45	17	2
Ms. D	F	28	17	Af-Amer	30	2.5	No
Ms. E	F	35	16	W	38	11	No
Mr. F	M	55	18	W	52	20	No
Ms. G	F	46	16	W	45	23	1
Ms. H	F	23	16	W	24	2	No
Ms. I	F	44	16	Af-Amer	50	4	1
Mr. J	Trans M	21	16	W	21	1	No
Ms. K	F	62	20	W	60	30	1
Ms. L	F	25	18	W	26	4	No
Mr. M	M	35	18	W	34	7	1

Findings

We identified five themes from the data: Societal Press which refers to the racialized atmosphere that pervades the United States and affects Asians; White Privilege which refers to the status and protection that Asian respondents perceived from being married to a white person when the respondents faced racism; Family Relations which can be positive or negative (e.g., microaggressions) and emanate from extended family and/or in-laws; Communication which refers to within couple differences as well as open communication as a strength and coping approach; and Parental Responsibilities which refer to concerns about the racial socialization of their bi-racial children. Societal press, our first theme, is overarching as it influences all other themes. Overall, couples perceived their relationship to be positive and supportive, particularly those from similar socioeconomic backgrounds, and viewed interracial marriage generally as a strength. However, in some cases, white spouses’ lack of racial awareness made respondents feel more marginalized and less understood.

Discussion and Implications

Interracial marriage can be difficult for couples (e.g., Alio et al., 2020; Kil et al., 2021). These interviews clearly confirm that the social environment in the United States, as reflected in the increased hate crime statistics (e.g., Levin et al., 2022), has grown increasingly difficult for Asian American intermarried couples and families. The current environment affects all aspects of our other findings. It manifested in some women feeling their husband is not sensitive to their discomfort when traumatic events occur on the national stage, in their in-laws’ lack of sensitivity to them, and in the perception that their in-laws lack sensitivity to their children and soon-to-be born children. Current events shape how and what they talk about with their children. Finally, when the world feels less safe, the respondents in our sample experience gaining a great sense of protection and privilege from being married to a white man as evidenced by Ms. A feeling under the microscope in an airport and Mr. J being told to have his white husband drive.

Clinicians need to be constantly vigilant of not only the locale in which their client is living (e.g., Han, 2021) but also the current events that are shaping the experiences of Asian Americans, their spouse, and their children in their community and in the U.S. Without an awareness of the societal press on all members of the family (as well as on the clinician), opportunities for conversation about what each is experiencing will be foreshortened. Asking about the meaning of recent events and their impact on the couple should be done in a way that is inviting rather than assuming a reaction is needed.

Privilege and protection in intermarriage to a white spouse, the “white” knight role described by Morgan (2015), has been explored in great depth in Black-white marriages. Leslie and Young (2015), writing about interracial couples in therapy, differentiate between problems that all couples have (such as negotiating gender roles) and those specific to interracial couples (such as dealing with societal disapproval and racial privilege). Leslie and Young contend that while a white spouse might be sensitive to how race affects the minority spouse, the white spouse may not be aware of the privilege that comes with being white. Although some spouses in our study are described as sensitive to their spouses and aware of their privilege, others have left their spouse feeling unheard. Leslie and Young (2015) also believe that in Black-non-Black marriages, the non-Black has the privilege. In our sample, there is some evidence that this is true for the Asian-Black marriages as there was less initial acceptance by Ms. I’s parents, as if she had lost her privilege. Over time, her family did come to appreciate her husband’s experiences when viewing them through the lens of Ms. I’s child. It could be hypothesized that the issue for some couples could be a little more complicated if Asians have been considered a model minority (Budiman & Ruiz, 2021a) whereas Blacks have not been described in the same way. Some in-laws might feel marrying an Asian confers the model minority status on their family, though this was not specifically seen in this sample. Although Han (2021) describes a great equality of relationships with Asian women married to white men, we did find the clear message that while there may be equality within the home, there is not equality in the eyes of some respondents when moving into broader society. Because of differential treatment, trauma, if experienced by the minority member(s) of the couple, should be handled sensitively.

Not surprising, issues around cultural differences in communication and not feeling understood were connected to struggles in the marriage (e.g., Shibusawa, 2019). The level of acculturation of the respondent is important as is the desire for both spouses to not maintain only one culture in the marriage but to be open to two. Equally important is for both spouses to have an awareness of how white privilege works both positively and negatively (Morgan’s [2015] white knight role). For spouses that are open to each other’s culture and for the non-Asian white spouse who is aware of white privilege (Ms. A’s airport example), open communication is highly effective (e.g., Baptist et al., 2019; Ross & Woodley, 2020). Some respondents feel steeped in their Asian culture with its patterns of communication while Ms. K, for example, feels “Americanized” and able to navigate situations and Ms. L says she and her husband are on the same page, the result of good communication. Dainton (2015) surveyed intermarried people and concluded that equitable treatment of the other spouse was linked to greater marital satisfaction.

For the clinician working with Asian-intermarried couples who are seeking assistance, the intersectionality of race and gender needs to be addressed in relation to privilege, protection, and communication. The cultural norms for each spouse may vary greatly (Weng & Netting, 2014) and are tied up with comfort-seeking help (Choi & Severson, 2009) as well as with gender (Morgan, 2015). The power dynamics related to gender (Nemoto, 2008) need to be addressed, as the clinician needs to be aware of how their own gender and race may reverberate through the therapeutic relationship. The clinician’s gender may stimulate beliefs about the place of protection and equity in the marriage. The clinician’s race may match one, but not both, of the spouses (unless the clinician is multi-racial). The clinician must be careful not to unconsciously collude with one spouse. The clinician must also be sensitive to the potential projection by the spouses that the clinician will favor one spouse over the other based on gender and race.

Family support has long been found to be an important variable in how comfortable someone feels in an intermarriage (e.g., Bell & Hastings, 2015). When the respondents interviewed here receive support, as many do, it is greatly appreciated. It appears to be less forthcoming if the spouse is Black or, as attributed to the oldest respondent’s mother, if marrying anyone outside of her race (Ms. K). The greater struggles come from in-laws. Iwasaki et al. (2016) describe microaggressions in their research from both extended family and in-laws which we saw with Ms. H being held at arm’s length and Mr. J’s culture being unappreciated.

The parents raising or expecting to raise bi-racial children find they must be nimble in response to current events and how they talk to their children (e.g., Doucet et al., 2019). This is consistent with Hughes et al.’s (2006) findings where one strategy for intermarried parents was to prepare their biracial children for bias. It is typical that minority children are identified and identify as the minority if they are married to a white (Csizmadia & White, 2019). The older the children, the greater likelihood that they have those conversations and that the conversations may be generated by the children who are following the news and related social movements (Greif et al., 2022). Concerns were expressed about how a baby of color was going to be accepted by in-laws also. Optimism was also expressed for the future for their children and how they could educate others.

Clinicians can be helpful to families in navigating rifts within their families-of-origin by taking a Narrative approach wherein the cultural stories about each spouse are explored (Kim et al., 2012). This can help the spouses not only understand each other better but be better able to work together as a team when interacting with their own families. A similar approach can be considered when assisting with the racial socialization of children who may not look like either parent yet need support from both parents (e.g., Hughes et al., 2006). Encouraging parents to celebrate and embrace cultural differences has been found by researchers studying how bi-racial children are raised to be an effective approach (Doucet et al., 2019).

Limitations

Limitations of this study include the use of a convenience sample gathered at one point in time and from one member of the couple. This “point in time” was notable given the social context in the United States (post the 2020 racial protests) and the impact this period appeared to have on the couple. The interviews, conducted by MSW students, may have varied in the ways they were carried out despite extensive training and review about the qualitative interview process. Interviewers often knew the respondents which may have shaped the way responses to questions were further explored. Respondents may also have given responses that would more favorably reflect on the respondents’ spouse. Furthermore, differences within the sample based on country of origin and whether the respondent was born in the United States were not explored. Other research has discussed differences and similarities between countries of origin (e.g., Choi & Severson, 2009) and whether the respondent was first generation or a later generation (Livingston & Brown, 2017). Given the sample size of 13 and with the gender diversity within the sample (11 women and 2 men), a larger sample may have produced other findings given the potential gendered power differentials that may affect marital relations (Hawkin & Zuiker, 2022). Having a sample with more men may have produced different results in relation, for example, to the issues around men’s and women’s roles in intermarriage (e.g., Nemoto, 2008). Finally, our own biases as three Asian women and one white man may account for misinterpretation of these interviews.

Future research could include interviews with both members of the couple to understand more than one perspective. Following couples over time would also allow for understanding the dynamic times in which we live and how they shape how family members inter-relate during turbulent periods in the United States (e.g., Lantz et al., 2023). Finally, comparing couples who have been married for more years with those who are newlywed may be helpful in preparing for any potential initial challenges for the growing number of people in interracial marriages.