Abstract
Some couples seek counseling to address warning signs. They may not be facing a relationship crisis but may be more concerned about where they are headed. Hence, a marriage makeover may not necessarily be needed, but instead couples in counseling may benefit from something rejuvenating. In such cases, brief interventions or techniques may be helpful. This article addresses how musical interventions can be used in couples counseling. A case example is introduced.
Many couples experience their relationship as something positive, intimate, self-validating, and collaborative (Duba, 2010). For some, this rewarding and loving relationship provides a foundation from which partners can grow spiritually. However, another reality is that many couples are unhappy and unsatisfied in their relationships. In fact, about 50% of all marriages end in divorce (Deveny & Springen, 2008; Locke & Gibbons, 2008). The onset of couple stress can begin for any number of reasons. In addition, developmental stressors (e.g., child rearing and retirement) may occur as the couple remains united (in marriage or formal commitment to each other).
However, in the midst of this cultural phenomenon some couples stay married for the rest of their lives. Researchers suggest that there are various factors associated with marital duration including communication, equity, friendship, intimacy, love, self-disclosure, sexual intimacy, similarity, and togetherness (Bachard & Caron, 2001; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999). Still other factors include commitment, loyalty, moral values, faith in God, satisfaction, stability (Bryant, Conger, & Meehan, 2001; Fennell, 1993; Robinson, 1994), and forgiveness (Fincham & Beach, 2002). Maintenance behaviors, such as positivity, openness, assurances, and networking, have been found to contribute to the duration of the marriage (Canary & Stafford, 1992; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999). The presence of such factors provides couples with a foundation from which to challenge any particular stressor related to life cycle stage or otherwise.
The article does not seek to address how to increase marital satisfaction or explain it. Couples who are typically satisfied within the marriage, however, may still struggle with keeping the foundation from quivering at times. A marriage makeover may not be needed, but rather the couple may benefit from something rejuvenating. In such cases, brief interventions or techniques may serve as just the solution. We propose that musical interventions may be suitable when working with couples who appear to need a “tune-up.” In the remainder of this article, we will briefly review how music therapy has been used across time and cultures. Then we will address how music has been used as a psychotherapy technique. Finally, a case example will be illustrated followed by a discussion.
The Use of Music in Various Traditional Healing and in Medicine
Music has had its place in various therapeutic and spiritual contexts over thousands of years. Take the Bible, for example, where it is said, “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:19). In this context, music facilitates experience of the Holy Spirit. The early Romans and Greeks were also known for using music as an aid to body and soul ailments (Watkins, 1992). Music also has been used to communicate power as well as induce a sense of power and courage among militia (MacIntosh, 2003). Consider the use of a drum line as any given armed force is about to take on its enemy.
Music also has been used in various traditional healing rituals. That is, music has been used as a trance induction, a way of facilitating a shaman’s journey to the spirit world (Moreno, 1995). Music remedies also are used by North American Indians and Alaskan Natives as a means of inducing access to repressed emotions so as to uncover internal dissonance (Duffey, Lumadue, & Woods, 2001).
Music has been used as a tool to help patients cope with various physical diseases, as well as manage the pain associated with such illnesses. For example, music has been used to help cancer and AIDS patients achieve pain reduction (Moreno, 1995). In such chronic conditions, music also has been used to foster moments of joy, serenity, and relaxation (Daykin, Bunt, & McClean, 2006). Persons struggling with general anxiety before any given medical surgery also have benefited from relaxing music (Kim et al., 2006).
The Use of Music in Psychotherapy as a Means of Building Relationships
Counselors have used musical interventions in various individual, family, and group contexts. Because the success of musical interventions does not require clients to speak any given language or have a certain degree of life experience or intellectual level, its applications are incessant. Camilleri (2001) suggested that music helps persons represent “how they are in the moment, without being bound by specifics and limited constructed barriers of meaning” (p. 81). Furthermore, because it is subjective and up for interpretation, it cannot be judged as right or wrong.
In group counseling, music can be used as a way of increasing participation as well as communication among members (Kim et al., 2006). For example, music can be utilized to bridge connections among survivors of trauma and sexual abuse and increase the safety within the group and among individual group members (MacIntosh, 2003; Slotoroff, 1994). Further, the playful, peaceful, and nonthreatening nature of music encourages apprehensive members to initiate participation (Silverman, 2005). Members who struggle with low self-esteem, depression, and isolation might also benefit from being assigned a role in any given musical piece (Baker, Gleadhill, & Dingle, 2007). In such an act, individuals can be least temporarily moved from depressing, self-debilitating thoughts to increased concentration on others, as well as on an act of contribution. It is also likely that even individuals whom are depressed can experience joy and fun while participating in a musical group effort (Choi, Lee, Cheong, & Lee, 2009). Finally, Edwards (2006) suggested that music therapy can be engaging and appealing to persons with various functioning levels.
Music is also helpful in group counseling settings where structure and formalities are important. For example, clients who struggle with controlling their anger or establishing emotional boundaries can benefit from musical interventions (Leite, 2003). Members may be assigned and responsible for contributing to a musical frame or tune. Through this activity, they learn the importance of establishing physical and emotional boundaries, following rules, as well as team work (Hilliard, 2006). That is, in order for there to be music (that is easy on the ears), it must be synchronized. Each musical contribution has its time and place and is needed within the context and moments of the melody or rhythm. Without each member doing what he or she is instructed to, the music is disrupted. Immediate consequences (e.g., the sensory experience of hearing) occur for the individual, as well as for the rest of the group.
In 2005, Hinman studied the effect of music on couples who were enduring significant stress due to one partner being hospitalized. In these cases, music was found to be “a way to facilitate communication and understanding” between partners (p. 38). In fact, music may express a message or feeling that an individual finds difficult to do so through verbal communication. Musical messages may include negatively associated sounds and feelings, perception changes, and romantic feelings toward the other partner. In addition, music can have a physical impact on individuals. Music can help slow down brain functions, help calm stress, and reduce pain, as well as boost involvement and relaxation within counseling sessions (Moreno, 1995). A relaxed and “resting” physiological state is conducive to the discussion of topics that are stressful and anxiety provoking (Gottman, 1999).
Musical Techniques in Couples Counseling
There are various musical interventions that can be used to help couples communicate their feelings, thoughts, and experiences to one another. Because music therapy is a time limited intervention, the counselor’s ability to maintain focus on a particular therapeutic goal during the session is essential. We suggest focusing on the goal of enhancing the marital friendship. According to Gottman’s (1999) Sound Marital House theory, there are three basic characteristics of a marital friendship which include (a) each partner’s interest in and knowledge of the other’s psychological world; (b) fondness and admiration; and (c) a tendency to turn toward one another during positive, as well as negative or struggling times. Musical techniques can be used to foster the above-mentioned objectives while providing a springboard for discussion.
We have provided a list of possible musical interventions to use in couples counseling in Table 1. In addition, it is important to create a safe, nonthreatening setting prior to incorporating any of the techniques. First, both partners should be invited to participate; their comfort level should be assessed throughout the exercise. Second, boundaries must be established. That is, clients should be instructed that aggression or the damaging of instruments is unacceptable. In the case of any body movement exercises, physical touch should not be permitted (unless facilitated by a skilled counselor). Finally, couples should be aware of the goal of the exercise to enhance or impact their marital friendship. Consequently, all exercises should be engaged in with that goal in mind (e.g. metaphorical lyrics should be positive or at least nonthreatening or demeaning toward any one party).
Musical Techniques
Case Study
We use this particular case example to illustrate how music can serve as a bridge for partners in one particular couples counseling session. In this case, the couple was still motivated to work on their relationship. However, they came to counseling rather disconnected. As readers will note from the case description, the couple went through years together without really examining what had been working and what needed tweaking. The process of addressing and talking through these issues began slowly. Consequently, opening up dialogue through a connecting activity was an appropriate intervention for this couple and at this time in their counseling process.
Of particular difficulty in a marriage is when a couple’s last child leaves the home for good, often referred to as the empty nest. That is, emptiness falls over a couple following the departure of their last child, whether it is for college, work, or a marriage/family of their own. Consider Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s last child left for her first year of college and their lives underwent a profound shift. Mrs. Smith had not worked outside the home, except for volunteer work at her children’s school and at her church. Even after her children had grown older, she was still very involved in their lives. She organized fundraisers for their extracurricular activities at school and assisted with their senior class trips. As her youngest child left and was no longer a regular member of the household, Mrs. Smith admitted feeling aimless and unsure as to what to do with her free time. As a full-time housekeeper and gardener, she maintained the home and yard. However, other than going to the grocery store, gym, and on rare occasions meeting up with friends, Mrs. Smith’s reported that her day lacked any coherent structure or purpose.
Mr. Smith was an attorney and spent anywhere from 50 to 60 hr a week at work. He worked on high-profile criminal cases; thus, a majority of his day was spent in the office or on the road. Beyond his statement of just not wanting to talk to his wife after a long day of work, he reiterated several times that he often felt that he had little to talk about with his wife when he arrived home. Mr. Smith was adamant about feeling his wife was overinvolved in the lives of their children and that she communicated with them too frequently over e-mail and by phone. He stated that Mrs. Smith should provide the children more room to grow into their own lives and be with other people more important to them. Mr. Smith, indicating that finances were difficult with putting the children through college, suggested that his wife get a job. However, both indicated that this conversation always led to a confrontation because Mrs. Smith believed she did not have “enough marketable skills to get a decent job.” She had tried working at her husband’s office, but she found herself arguing with Mr. Smith. She believed that he was constantly critiquing her work. He insisted that he was not. They decided it was best to terminate this arrangement as the coworkers felt uncomfortable in their presence.
Money was a frequent source of arguments for the couple. In addition to the children’s money for college, Mr. Smith believed that his wife spent too much money on frivolous things like clothes, household cleaning supplies, gardening equipment and flowers, and her membership at the gym. Mrs. Smith reported that her husband always used his position as the breadwinner to make her feel badly, and she pointed out that he had wanted her to stay home with their children years ago. She had helped run the home while he was building his law practice, and she felt that he never gave her enough credit for being a good wife and mother.
The couple admitted that they had little to talk about and lead very separate lives; Mr. Smith in his office and Mrs. Smith at home or with her circle of friends. They had sought out their pastor a few times to reestablish the couple’s ability to engage in meaningful dialogue with one another, but both indicated neither was invested in just making a list of things they had in common and things they did not. They also worked on trying to think of ways that they define their sense of worth outside of their normal day, but with the children away, this was a difficult task. Mr. and Mrs. Smith were looking for other strategies to open up dialogue between them and create times for the couple to engage in meaningful communication. They expressed a great desire to get to know one another again, despite the changes they had experienced in their lives since they were newlyweds. They also mentioned that they missed having fun and laughing together. Finally, coming to counseling was something that both spouses equally agreed upon.
Case Discussion
An informal assessment of this couple would lead any couples counselor to a couple of rather positive tentative conclusions. First, they sought counseling to better their relationship. They were interested in each other and in their relationship. Second, they had a routine that worked, but since the changing of the family system, new routines and traditions should be considered. Third, even when the couple discussed points of contention, they still illustrated some fondness toward each other. For example, when Mr. Smith addressed his concerns about Mrs. Smith’s spending, he was smirking, and she responded with a gentle giggle and remark, “Well, okay, I guess I could watch the spending on the garden gloves!”
On the other hand, evidence of a strong friendship was limited. That is, both appeared relatively oblivious to what is important to each other. Mrs. Smith may have heard that Mr. Smith believes she spends too much money. However, the couple had not talked about why he felt that way and how he would have liked to see a shift. Neither spouse felt appreciated for his or her contributions to the family and had not felt that way in years. The counseling process could have begun with an introduction to the problem. We preferred the alternative, opening the process up by inquiring about what is going right with the relationship. Consequently, the counseling process began by asking the couple what they found satisfying about their marriage. After taking note of the couple’s strengths, coping mechanisms, and strategies to engage in some satisfying interactions, the couple was asked whether they would be interested in doing something “fun for a bit.” The couple was reminded having fun was their goal. The couple was introduced to the following activities and asked to agree on one: (a) drumming technique (focused on expressing what they admire and love about each other), (b) instrumental communication, and (c) body music. Although Mrs. Smith was interested in trying the body music activity, Mr. Smith was reserved. The couple agreed on the drumming technique.
The couple was asked to agree upon a time within the last month when they really enjoyed each other’s company. Although it took a few minutes, both Mr. and Mrs. Smith agreed that they had enjoyed each other’s company a few weekends ago when they hosted the weekly church couples group. Without inquiring about the details of this event, Mrs. Smith was asked to begin the exercise by communicating her thoughts and feelings about her husband during this particular event. Mr. Smith was asked to listen to what she was saying to him. After 3 min, Mr. Smith was asked to check out what he thought was being communicated to him with Mrs. Smith. With a bit of hesitation, Mr. Smith said that he thought she was saying that she really cared about him and was “maybe happy or glad” that he helped out with cleaning up after the gathering. He wondered about when she started “pounding that ol’ drum.” He was not sure whether she was excited about hosting a party again together or whether she was excited about “what they did after the party.” Mrs. Smith laughed at his last comment and then replied. She mentioned that she “does really care” about him. She also noted that it meant a lot to her when Mr. Smith would say things to the group about how well “she knew the Bible.” Mrs. Smith said to him, “that although making love to you is always nice, what was more important was when” he was holding her before they fell asleep.
Mr. Smith appeared a bit apprehensive about playing the drums and so was reminded that there is not a right or wrong way of doing this activity. He was encouraged to close his eyes if it would help. He chose to hit the drum with his fingers instead of the drumstick. Mrs. Smith was reminded that her role was to listen to what Mr. Smith was saying to her about what he enjoyed about that night together. After his turn, Mrs. Smith initially responded by saying that she really appreciated him doing this activity. She then checked in her interpretations with him. Mrs. Smith thought that his “tapping, 1, 2, 3, 4” meant that it was a “good night, and everything went well.” She was not sure what he meant when his tapping slowed down, yet she guessed that maybe he was “happy when the guests left so that” they could be alone. Mr. Smith replied that he did enjoy spending some time with her after the guests left, however he was trying to say that he really admired her for how well she makes people feel comfortable in their home. And although he “gets in her (your) case about buying things, the guests really seemed to like how things were decorated.”
This entire activity lasted about 30 min. The couple was asked to talk about what they learned about each other. Mrs. Smith learned that sometimes she “reads him wrong.” She also noted that she may tend to believe that he is thinking more negatively about her than he really is. She also mentioned that she enjoyed doing “silly things together.” Mr. Smith, on the other hand, mentioned that “it’s been a long time since I said something nice to her, something about what I really admire about her.” He even mentioned that “paying her a compliment was actually a little uncomfortable.” He admitted that he “has a way to go but wants to compliment her more.” Mr. Smith also mentioned that he forgot how easy it is to please her.
The session was concluded on this note after reviewing the purpose and role the activity played in the counseling process. First, it was meant to address two of the couple’s goals: having fun and enhancing communication. Second, the couple was reminded that although they will face challenges and difficult discussions during any given counseling session, it was still important to practice enjoying each other during the counseling context. Third, both partners left this session learning something new about how the other spouse felt and was thinking.
Conclusion and Further Discussion
The use of music in couples counseling aids in multiple ways including bridging communication among clients, inducing a relaxed physical and mental state, and increasing fun and lightheartedness. On the other hand, musical interventions are time limited (Morgan & Jorm, 2008). That is, couples who struggle maintaining a marital friendship would benefit from more intensive interventions and psychoeducation. However music, combined with a skilled counselor and an engaged couple, can bridge partners in ways that many other techniques fail to do.
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.