Abstract
The purpose of this phenomenological study was to add to feminist research by asking women themselves to articulate the experiences of stay-at-home motherhood when their children became “fully involved” in school (i.e., 3rd or 4th grade) and to recognize mental health concerns these women may have. Seven themes emerged: expectations of mothering role impacts mothering experience; mother’s perception of children further separating; relationship with spouse; identity confusion, exploration, and expansion; responsibility for household; negotiating self-care; and finding support beyond the family system. These themes are discussed in full and implications for marriage and family counselors and future research are presented.
Despite the critical role stay-at-home mothers play in many families in the United States, most feminist literature on motherhood in the last decade has primarily focused on single parenting, egalitarianism, balancing of career and family life, and stay-at-home moms versus working motherhood (Arendell, 2000). Stay-at-home mothers are represented in 20% of married households with children under the age of 18, meaning a large portion of mothers and their experiences are absent from the literature (Cohn, Livingston, & Wang, 2014). This gap in the research is possibly a reaction to the narrow image of the 1950s “traditional mother” (Dillaway & Paré, 2008) or due to the low level of societal value placed on the work of stay-at-home parents (Zimmerman, 2000).
Literature on modern stay-at-home motherhood tends to revolve around the transition from working to staying at home (Vejar, Madison-Colmore, & Ter Maat, 2006). In addition, the literature is focused on the impact stay-at-home mothers have on their children (Arendell, 2000; Vejar et al., 2006). Studies on this period when mothers leave work to stay at home indicate that, at least initially, this transition leaves mothers struggling with a loss of self-esteem and identity (Rubin & Wooten, 2007) as well as loneliness and a loss of validation (Zimmerman, 2000). There is a lack of literature on how the stay-at-home mothers experience themselves, their relationships with their partners or husbands, and their children later in the family life cycle, especially when children enter their middle elementary school years.
Gilligan (1993) defined transitions as any period in which the activities of caring for others change. While transitions impact all the individuals in the family, there is evidence that mothers may be disproportionately affected by these changes (McGoldrick, Carter, & Preto, 2011b). Mothers are constantly adjusting to the needs and demands of the family and the members within it, leading to adjustments in identity (McGoldrick, Carter, & Preto, 2011a). In turn, the changing relationships during transitions and the shift in a mother’s identity may lead to problems with self-worth, self-doubt, depressive symptoms, and even a loss of meaning (Gilligan, 1993; McGrath, Keita, Strickland, & Russo, 1990).
Stay-at-home mothers may be more vulnerable to difficulties related to transitional periods. Worell and Remer (2003) indicate that different roles for women can be interdependent. Certain roles may become more salient as commitment increases, especially the role of being a mother (Katz-Wise, Priess, & Hyde, 2010). In looking at a woman’s sense of identity, motherhood has greater salience and is more central to her identity than other roles, and this salience only strengthens the more time she spends in childcare responsibilities (Cowdery, Knudson-Martin, & Mahoney, 2009; Katz-Wise et al., 2010; Medina & Magnuson, 2009). For stay-at-home mothers, then, this role may become so dominant that when mothering responsibilities shift (e.g., when children become more involved in school and away from the family), there is a need to redefine their identity.
This study aims to look at the stay-at-home mother’s experiences when young children enter into the middle of their elementary school years, which is the time mothers typically become less involved helping out in the schools and children begin to spend the majority of their day separate from the family.
Method
This was a phenomenological qualitative study. Using a constructionist viewpoint, the researchers hoped to best capture the experience of each individual participant. The researchers first focused on a deep understanding of each individual’s lived experience and how they interpret it and then looked at the common threads or essence (Creswell, 2007).
Participants
Participants were recruited using typical purposeful sampling strategies through local community organizations in a metropolitan area in the Rocky Mountain region. Additional participants were found using snowball sampling. Criteria for participation included being a mother with the youngest child in 3rd or 4th grade, who did not participate in extensive volunteer activities (i.e., no more than 3 hr per week in the child’s classroom). A brief pilot study was conducted to confirm that 3rd and 4th grade represented a time of greatest impact on stay-at-home mothers, when they noted experiencing difficulty in adjusting to the changes of having children further separating from them. The present study focused on participants who were in heterosexual marriages or long-term committed partnerships.
In total, seven participants who met criteria were interviewed. The number of participants was based on saturation or the point at which no new information appeared to be gained (Merriam, 2009; Morse, 1995). The age of the women ranged from 36 to 47 with women having been at home for 8–15 years. Six of the seven women held at least a bachelor’s degree with three of them holding a master’s. All of the mothers and the majority of their partners were Caucasian, with one woman’s husband being Arabic. Six of the women had a family income above US$100,000 a year, with the seventh making just over US$75,000. The ages of children ranged from 8 to 23, and the number of children from 2 to 4.
Procedures
Each participant was initially interviewed for 90 min. A follow-up interview was scheduled for clarification of themes. With permission, each interview was taped and transcribed verbatim. Due to the constructionist nature of the study, questions varied depending on the direction of the interview. The interviews were focused around two primary questions designed to gather both textural and structural information (Creswell, 2007): “How are you as a stay-at-home mother experiencing this time in which your children are more involved in school?” and “What situations influence your experiences of this time?” Follow-up questions were asked as needed, depending on the direction the mothers went (e.g., “How have things changed for you, not having a child with you all of the time?”; “Tell me a story about what you’ve experienced during this time?”; “What are your current goals, and how have these changed?”).
Data Analysis
The interviews were uploaded into Atlas software in order to assist in coding. The analysis process was based on Moustakas’ (1994) recommendations for phenomenological data analysis, using phenomenological reduction, imaginative variation, and synthesis of essences as the organizational structure for analysis. To ensure trustworthiness, reflexivity was used through journaling, researcher engagement in the data, and peer examination in order to address issues of credibility. Peer examination was also utilized to check the plausibility of extracted themes. Additionally, there was a member check after the data collection, which took the form of a 5-point Likert-type scale survey on the subthemes as well as significant statements, invariant constituents, and themes.
Results
Seven themes were found to be common among the participants and important in understanding the women’s experiences. While these themes were present in each interview, the experience of each woman within that theme varied depending on contextual factors.
Expectations of Mothering Role Impacts Mothering Experience
Expectations that the participants had of themselves as mothers played a critical role. All seven participants discussed the impact of their expectations on their experience. Those women who had few preconceived expectations experienced less stress. As Lola stated,
I don’t think I even thought about parenting until [my daughter] actually was delivered in the delivery room. I think I just have literally been going with the flow every day …. So … I’m happy with the way it’s turned out, but I didn’t really put much thought into it ahead of time.
The women’s expectations of their mothering role were largely based on role models and their own personal histories; and they involved not only their own expectations but also their perception of significant others’ expectations. These expectations tended to change in response to their environment and family’s needs. The majority of the participants agreed that being adaptable was important, particularly in terms of adjusting to the needs of their children or family emergencies. As Faith said, “You’ll lose your mind if you are not flexible with everything—your time, how you look at things, how you respond to things.” For women who had challenging earlier experiences with their children (e.g., an episode of postpartum depression, colicky babies, and developmental challenges with children), these experiences impacted their current perceptions of motherhood. These challenging earlier experiences allowed the participants to consider their present circumstances with perspective; for most women, the current time frame reportedly entailed less physical labor and less exhaustion. The two exceptions to this were women dealing with current and ongoing crises related to their children or other family members, which took priority over other situations, such as their children’s transition to spending more time outside of the home and away from parents.
Mother’s Perception of Children Further Separating
All of the women discussed this time of their child/children being in middle elementary years as a transitional period when children began to engage more in school. This transition appeared to be related more to context and the mother–child relationship than the age of the child, with mothers reporting a sense of their children separating from them more than before. The women found themselves less directly involved with their children for significant periods of time. Mothers were expected to do less volunteer work in the school system compared to when their children were younger. This resulted with stay-at-home mothers spending less time with their children and no time with them during school time. This transition of further separation was emotionally demanding for the women: “I felt like … they were my job. And my job had gone away. And so then what am I doing?” (Lucy). Stay-at-home mothers reported being left with a sense of unemployment and wondered what to do with themselves and their time. As Faith stated, “It was strange, like I almost didn’t know what to do with myself, even when I had all these projects and things lined up that I had to take care of.”
At this stage when children are in 3rd and 4th grade, the stay-at-home mothers reported being thoughtful and intentional about considering the development of their children into teenagers and adults. They saw the mother–child relationship as critical in staying connected to their children as they grow older. As Faith explained, “It is a matter of listening, hearing, finding out what makes them happy, what will make them confident in themselves, ways they can express themselves, making them well rounded.” Annie similarly stated, “A lot of it is wanting to teach them and give them life experiences.” For these women, motherhood was not just about teaching and supporting their children but also about giving them the space to develop into adults: “Yeah, motherhood is just such a journey. I mean, you’re letting go, from the time that they’re born …. It’s just this gradual process of letting go.”
Relationship With Spouse
As a primary relationship, the women’s connections with their spouses were vital to their well-being. Some participants felt fully supported by their husbands. For example, Lucy indicated, “He’s my main … rock. We make a good team. He’s ying, and I’m yang. We kind of fit together.” Four of the seven women discussed difficulties or frustrations within their relationships. As Faith expressed,
Oh, I know he doesn’t know who I am. And what I can’t figure out is whether … he knew before the children and I changed, or he never knew and I didn’t notice until we went through this … child-rearing process.
All seven participants also endorsed seeking support from their spouses for their choices around identity—either exploring identity, work choices they were making, or their choice to stay home. Four women specifically mentioned having support of their decision to stay home. As Lola explained, “I think he loves me, or knows who I am, let’s me be who I want … I get support from that, I guess. He’s happy for me to be happy.”
What appeared to be most critical in the women’s experience of this time was a sense that their husbands understood the difficulty of managing the household and appreciated the work that they were doing. All participants acknowledged the importance of this theme; four women expressed frustration with feeling that their husbands did not understand the difficulty of what they do:
I’ve worked all day too. You know, I’d like to just sit all evening and watch sports, but I’m still doing laundry, and I’m still … and you know, I don’t think he thinks that I’m working. I mean I know he does. (Annie)
Identity Confusion, Exploration, and Expansion
Many of the women experienced this time as a period of confusion, exploration, and expansion of self. Five of the seven stay-at-home mothers expressed confusion and a wish to explore their current identities and roles. Annie reported that when a friend asked her, “Who are you?” she responded, “I couldn’t give an answer. I’m a mom. That’s about all I could say … I could barely talk. For some reason I was so emotional, like ‘Oh, I’m lost. I don’t know myself anymore.’” As Michelle expressed, “What really is me? What did I do before I had kids?” There was also awareness that their role as mother was changing and with it came a sense of uncertainty about what the future holds, including concerns about interests and employability. As Lucy summarized, “I’m kind of in limbo land right now.”
All of the participants discussed the experience of more freedom in their schedule compared to the time before their children became so fully involved in school. This shift allowed more time for the participants to contemplate their future and consider their options. While being a mother remained the most salient role, six of the women wished to expand beyond this role. There was a sense of excitement for some as they considered possibilities for their future: Lucy planned to combine her new knowledge based on parenting with her financial expertise, Annie considered writing a book, and Michelle sought to explore a wide variety of experiences and trying new activities out of her comfort zone. All of the women remained aware of the need to balance their family’s needs with their own needs for personal expression. Faith wondered: “What can I do that fits with a family schedule, fits with my criteria of doing something meaningful?”
One participant did not voice the need to expand her identity beyond the role of mother. Lola commented that she had never confined herself to one role: “I definitely have my own deal, and I do it, especially when everyone is gone. I go about my business and I do exactly what I want,” and she added, “… I am my own person.” While Lola still expressed greater salience for her role as mother over any other role, she seemed to have balanced this with her own sense of self. She stated that she still sees herself as a manager/assistant (her job prior to parenting), and now, within the home, she also sees herself as an individual with separate interests.
Responsibility for Household
The majority of women saw themselves as the primary caretaker of both the children and home. As Amanda described it, “I’m kind of a one man show.” The added stress this responsibility for the home placed on them varied greatly depending on the involvement of the spouse. Some of the women expressed frustration, feeling their husbands did not appreciate the work they were doing, while some described their husbands as highly involved and supportive. Michelle, who often felt unsupported in her responsibilities stated, “I’m supposed to cook and clean, it’s always supposed to look wonderful … [I’m] feeling like a failure in some aspect. Like, ‘What am I doing wrong?’”
All of the women indicated that this responsibility for home precluded both work and other activities; while work may be a consideration, it was difficult for all of the women to account for how they could simultaneously work and parent. As Michelle stated,
There’s still a lot of demands and expectations just being a mom. I mean, even if I were to go back to work all those things—the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, they still … I mean they would still fall on my shoulders because my husband’s job is so stressful and time consuming that he couldn’t … I mean, not without a lot of adjustment, would he be able to step in and do some of those things.
Negotiating Self-Care
The issue of self-care was evident in all of the interviews. All the women reported having struggled with making time for themselves and putting their own needs last. As Annie explained, “You kind of need someone to point [them] out to you and hold you accountable to thinking about yourself, because you will put yourself last.” During this period of transition when stay-at-home mothers had more time, there was a greater awareness of their needs and negotiation for self-care. With more time, the women were beginning to seek out ways to meet their own needs. Lucy’s comment was typical: “So I’m just not healthy, so now that I’m more comfortable, and they’re at school and they’re safe and they’re good, I work out. So the first thing I do every morning is I go to the gym.” The women’s definition of self-care related mostly to physical exercise and managing weight gain. A couple of participants addressed their need for solitude. As Cathy stated,
I’d like to find more time for myself. I mean, I’d love to learn to meditate. I would love to do that. I think it would be so good for me … I have a tendency to get really stressed out … I need some peace where I don’t feel like I have to do everything. I feel like letting go of some of this stuff would be so nice for me.
Finding Support Beyond the Family System
Each stay-at-home mother discussed the importance of her friends and other relationships. Six participants indicated that feeling heard and understood by friends and other relations helped them manage their frustrations. Three of the women overtly talked about how their relationships are a priority for them, two discussed how they define themselves in relational terms, and five of the seven discussed how having an opportunity to relate to other women provided support for them.
The women’s perception of their support network deeply impacted their mothering experiences. While the primary support came from their spouses, those women who did not feel supported at home sought out a strong network of friends. The mothers articulated they were seeking a sense of shared values with other women and at times to just sit quietly together. All of the participants emphasized the need to find others who could relate to their mothering experience. As Annie put it: “You need to find women who can relate to you a little bit, whose lives aren’t so different than yours.”
The women were also clear that finding support was not always easy. Four participants discussed the difficulty of finding support as a stay-at-home mother. These difficulties were related to relocation and moving further from their friends as well as their children growing up and going through this transition period. As Lola commented, some of her friends who were also stay-at-home mothers increasingly returned to work and were no longer available during the day. The majority of the women acknowledged that creating new friendships with other women who were mothers and had similar interests, values, or circumstances had taken effort and developed over time.
Discussion
This study aimed to explore the experiences stay-at-home mothers have when their young children enter the middle of their elementary school years. Mothers at this stage typically become less involved helping out in the schools and children spend much less time with their mothers and the family. Specifically, the period when children progress into 3rd or 4th grade is a time of transition, and all women recognized that they felt less needed during this stage. All participants saw their relationship with their children as incredibly important, and their identity as a mother was still identified as the most salient role in their lives.
All of the stay-at-home mothers reported on their need for support. The women’s connection with their spouse was a source of primary support, confirming the literature on the importance of the spousal relationship (Mahoney & Knudson-Martin, 2009). Key components of this relationship were open communication between the partners as well as the women having a sense that their husbands valued and respected their role as stay-at-home mothers. These themes were consistent with Zimmerman (2000), who found that communication and mutual respect were vital in maintaining a working partnership between the stay-at-home parent and the working parent. In this study, stay-at-home mothers who did not feel supported by their spouses expressed a desire to actively seek out support from friends and other stay-at-home mothers. This was consistent with Taylor et al.’s (2000) study, which found that women tend to seek out a social network in response to stress.
Many of the stay-at-home mothers in this study reported, at one point or another, putting their children’s or their husband’s needs above their own. Zimmerman (2000) indicated a similar pattern in stay-at-home mothers. All the stay-at-home mothers in this study were aware of their need to pursue self-care and consider how their changing role as a mother, now that their children were becoming more independent, fit into their individual identities.
Confirming the literature, holding intensive mothering beliefs (e.g., mothers are the most capable parents and a parent’s life should revolve around his or her child) lead to higher levels of stress and anxiety (Arendell, 2000; Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2013). When participants reported less intensive mothering beliefs, they generally experienced less stress and pressure and enjoyed motherhood more. Many of the stay-at-home mothers in this study felt pressure around not only raising their children but keeping up the household as well. This stress from the pressure was especially salient for those women who did not feel supported by their spouses. Even with the strides feminism has made, there still appears to be a lack of egalitarianism in some heterosexual relationships. This may be due to the mothers in this study being at home—or it may reflect societal structures. This study supported the notion that contemporary mothers may benefit from less constrictive roles and feeling valued by their spouses for their contributions. The results of the current study contribute to research on contemporary stay-at-home mothers. It also adds to the feminist literature by exposing the gender-stratified messages that stay-at-home mothers and spouses may internalize and the impact this has on them.
Limitations
This study had several limitations. The sample included only English-speaking participants. In addition, all the participants were Caucasian and most of them were upper middle class. In the United States, stay-at-home mothers tend to be split between lower socioeconomic classes and higher socioeconomic statuses and 34% of stay-at-home mothers are foreign born (U.S. Census Bureau News, 2010). Expanding this study may reveal additional or different themes. Particularly investigating how women of color and those from other social classes experience stay-at-home motherhood could help broaden and deepen contemporary views of motherhood. How stay-at-home mothers experience and overcome oppression based on gender, race, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status—and all the possible intersections of such factors—could further the field’s awareness of how to best support women in their mothering role.
Implications for Marriage and Family Counselors
Marriage and family counselors (MFCs) can assist couples in identifying expectations of motherhood and the mother’s role, exploring the gender, familial, patriarchal values that recruited them into expectations that may not be conducive to an egalitarian coparenting team. The pressures women feel from intensive mothering beliefs have been shown to lead to problems with identity loss, feelings of isolation, depression, and lower levels of life satisfaction (Dillaway & Paré, 2008; Hays, 1996; Rizzo, Schiffrin, & Liss, 2013). It is important to explore expectations that may be unattainable and work on altering them to be more achievable. MFCs need to be aware that for stay-at-home mothers, there is a transition period when their children become fully involved in school (i.e., 3rd or 4th grade). From a systems perspective, it is important that MFCs understand the dynamics and spousal relationship that stay-at-home mothers are functioning within. It may be necessary for adjustments to be made in the couple’s relationship in order to strengthen the couple, the coparenting team, and the stay-at-home mother’s sense of support in her relationship. Similarly, MFCs can explore coparenting dynamics and develop strategies to strengthen the spousal relationship and coparenting team. Research has repeatedly shown the importance of coparenting and spousal relationships in family systems (Mangelsdorf, Laxman, & Jessee, 2011; Pedro, Ribeiro, & Shelton, 2012; Teubert & Pinquart, 2010). The women in this study understood the important role the support and understanding of their husbands played in their own mental health and functioning. Strengthening this bond will ultimately strengthen the couple’s relationship, the family’s functioning, and the mental health of each individual. For mothers who are struggling with confusion in their identity or who feel constrained in their stay-at-home mothering role, it may be important to validate and work through these struggles. Collaborative work in couples counseling can assist in the decision to expand their identity and explore roles outside the home. Given that this is a transitional period for stay-at-home mothers now that their children are spending more time away from mothers and the family, there are great opportunities for growth and reexamination. MFCs can explore egalitarian division of responsibilities for the household and other tasks. Exploring the couple’s struggle in balancing each other’s needs and responsibilities, the counselor can help the couples make adjustments as needed. Creating this balance can also ensure stay-at-home mothers have time to care for their own needs and expand their roles outside the home. Based on the findings of this study and the literature, self-care is vital to the well-being of stay-at-home mothers (LaFrance, 2009). MFCs can challenge the system to reflect on the self-care needs of the stay-at-home mother. Additionally, MFCs can collaborate with clients to find practical ways to increase well-being, especially during the transitional period when children are becoming involved in school and mothers have additional time alone in the home. It may be necessary for MFCs to explore the barriers to self-care and help stay-at-home mothers and the system develop strategies to overcome any obstacles. In the majority of today’s families, stay-at-home mothers still may experience a higher level of frustration with less personal time (Cowdery & Knudson-Martin, 2005), making self-care difficult to attain without encouragement and effort. Staying at home can be isolating, particularly for those who left their previous workplace to be with their children (Johnston & Swanson, 2006). Given the numerous studies (Kandel, Davies, & Raveis, 1985; Nolen-Hoeksema, 2002; Rubin & Wooten, 2007) that show the critical nature of supportive relationships for stay-at-home mothers, it may be important to explore the mother’s relationships outside the home, encouraging her to engage in those which are supportive and foster personal growth. It may be beneficial to connect stay-at-home mothers to support groups in addition to couples or individual counseling, allowing mothers to explore their identity with others who can empathize with their struggles. At the societal level, we must continue to develop a culture of appreciation for stay-at-home mothers and their contributions. In our society now, we have a lack of understanding and respect for mothers, especially those who choose to stay at home and forgo work (Medina & Magnuson, 2009; Zimmerman, 2000). MFCs can work to change these by first examining their own assumptions and biases and working to counteract negative stereotypes within themselves (Zimmerman, 2000). They can then work with couples to confront the larger context of negative societal assumptions about how parents are supposed to handle the challenges of balancing family life with career when one of them is a stay-at-home parent (Zimmerman, 2000).
Future Research
Moving forward, research on stay-at-home parenting could expand in numerous directions. Recruiting mothers from a variety of backgrounds and circumstances would increase the understanding of women’s mothering experiences. Another focus for future research could be to explore the experiences of single stay-at-home mothers to explore similar and potentially unique dynamics. A key theme from this study was the women’s relationships to their spouses, and specifically investigating this relationship in depth may provide further information to support couple and coparenting relationships. Additionally, researching the experiences of stay-at-home fathers could also greatly enhance conceptualizations of contemporary parenting as could exploring how same-sex couples negotiate stay-at-home parenting. MFCs have the opportunity to support stay-at-home parents and significantly influence societal messages and values imposed on those in this role. It is hoped that the results of this study will encourage MFCs to be part of the change, both in research and practice. As one stay-at-home mother mentioned, “I am happy my life matters to be studied and others can learn from it.”
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.