Generating a Vocabulary of Mourning: Supporting Families Through the Process of Grief

Mourning as a Universal yet Culturally Specific Practice

The process of grief serves a critical human function (Bonavita et al., 2018; Goodwyn, 2015; Sullender, 2010); the acknowledgment of what “was,” the sadness of its loss, and the reconfiguring of one’s life to account for both its physical absence yet emotional presence (Shear et al., 2011). Bereavement is a period when time “stands still” to recall the past relationship and imagine a new future bereft of that company. Involvement in the process by the bereaved, supported by community (secular and spiritual), has been shown to be a crucial preventive factor in the development of conditions such as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder or complex grief (CG; Goodwyn, 2015); the ongoing pervasive sadness and yearning that significantly interferes with the bereaved moving forward in life (Fleming, 2020; Shear et al., 2011). Recent study suggested “preliminary support for the idea that traditional mourning rituals may prevent CG through highly-concentrated nonverbal and verbal acts of symbolism, belief and spirituality” (Goodwyn, 2015, p. 262).

Parameters of grieving can be found in all spiritual and/or religious traditions (Bonavita et al., 2018; Cruz-Ortega et al., 2015; Drayton, 2016; Lomax & Carlin, 2016; Shear et al., 2011). Each tradition supplies beliefs about death; the way individuals and groups mourn and support each other’s grief; and funeral traditions and the customs that honor the deceased. Bereavement practices are intended to provide comfort in times of sorrow and trouble, a sense of suffering and purpose, a robust insulator against emotional and behavioral problems, increasing hope and optimism despite unchangeable and incomprehensible circumstance, protective and healing effect, and reduce fear which mitigates the effects of stress and anxiety on those who grieve (Jerome, 2011; Testoni et al., 2019). Given the increasing ethnic and spiritual diversity of the American population in the 21st century (Thanasiu & Pizza, 2019), the value of positive religious coping, that is, a belief in life meaning, an expression of spirituality, a secure relationship with the divine, reliance on spiritual ritual, especially in times of emotional stress and challenge, and continues to hold a steady presence.

While stage models of grieving are well-known (e.g., Kubler-Ross’s grief stages), Goodwyn (2015) offered a synopsis of grief practices across cultures, identifying common themes purporting to:

provide a cultural container for raw emotionality,

In conclusion, it is suggested (Thanasiu & Pizza, 2019) that universal themes of mourning have been left behind in the modern world because the cultural and psychological forces that shape them have not had time to “catch up” with massive cultural changes brought about technological and political changes of last 150 years. While those identified factors in the external world have rapidly evolved, the internal world of clients, that which honors relationships and their passing, has remained steadfast.

Examples of Mourning Practices

This information is intended only to acquaint the reader with the scope of differing practice. The topics may also prompt the reader to consider how personal values and practices are expressed in one’s own family. A third value of this content may be to encourage clinicians working with grieving families to better educate themselves on these themes and practices peculiar to the family’s culture of bereavement.

Christian Mourning Practices

It’s customary for the body of the deceased to remain at the funeral parlor several days before the funeral with hours set for visitation or a “viewing.” Visitors may come and express their condolences to the family and are welcome to stay and visit for the full viewing period, although not required. The funeral may be either private for family members only or open to the public. If the hours and location are printed in the newspaper notice, it is a sign that all visitors are welcome.

In some areas and among some ethnic groups, it is customary to host a gathering after the funeral for attendees. If held at the home of the family of the deceased, very often relatives and friends will supply the refreshments to relieve the family of that task. In some families, it is traditional to take attendees to a restaurant after the funeral, in which case, the family of the deceased pays the bill. The purpose of these gatherings is to share memories of the deceased, help the family deal with their mourning, and provide hospitality for those who may have traveled a distance to attend the funeral. At times, these gatherings may become very lively and seem disrespectful to the deceased. However, no disrespect is intended.

Any of the following gestures of sympathy are appropriate:

send a note of condolence if you cannot attend the viewing,

As in most religions, offers to help the family, including bringing meals to their home immediately following the death and for a time after the funeral, are welcome gestures of support and sympathy.

Hindu Mourning Practices

In Hinduism, death is not mourned as much since it is not viewed as the end of life. Hindus believe that the soul, or atman, continually cycles through different bodies. So, death is thought of as a change in the journey of your atman but not an end to life. In Hinduism, the mourning period is limited to a 13-day period. It is thought that if someone laments too much, then it will be harmful to the soul of the deceased. Immediately after the person dies, an oil lamp is placed near the body. This lamp stays burning for the next 3 days. The body is cremated 1 day after death and must be done between sunset and sunrise. From when the body is cremated to the 13th day, the deceased person’s immediate family is considered ritually impure. Because of this, they are not allowed to perform religious ceremonies, visit sacred sites, and give alms or attend festivities.

Hindu mourning rites can be complex. Aside from mourning, they often bathe twice daily, wear white, and eat only one vegetarian meal each day. When they reach the 13th day of mourning, a shaddra ceremony is performed. This ceremony involves a fire sacrifice, and offerings are given to both the gods and the deceased’s ancestors to ensure a peaceful afterlife. Afterward, the family washes the family shrine and leaves more offerings for the gods. Once this day ends, the mourning period is completed and everyone must resume his or her ordinary, day-to-day life.

Funerals are usually held within 24 hr of the death. Friends may call on the family at home where the body of the deceased is generally kept until the traditional cremation. If the family receives flowers from visitors, they are placed at the feet of the deceased. After the funeral, friends may visit, and the custom is to bring gifts of fruit.

Buddhist Mourning Practices

Buddhists, like Hindus, believe in reincarnation. They believe that someone enters a new incarnation immediately after death, and they are born again 9 months later. Buddhist traditions involve a funeral with three components: sharing, conducting yourself well, and meditating. Similar to Christian funerals, the ceremony takes place at a funeral home and includes a eulogy and prayers. Throughout Buddhist countries, the funerals differ slightly, but they usually include an open casket. This is because when someone looks at the body, it serves as a reminder of the impermanence of life.

In the Buddhist tradition, the funeral usually takes place within a week after death. Sending flowers or donating to a designated charity in the name of the deceased is appropriate. The casket is open, and guests are expected to view it and bow slightly toward it. Friends may call at the home of the deceased family after the funeral but not before.

Jewish Mourning Practices

Jewish tradition believes in burying the body as soon after the death as possible, as a mark of respect. During the period between death and burial (aninut), the primary responsibility of mourners is to care for the dead and prepare the body for burial. This duty takes precedence over all other commandments. The family is left alone to grieve during aninut; calls or visits should not be made during this time. Family members traditionally tear or rip their clothing to symbolize their grief. People who do not sit in vigils may still observe a period of mourning in which they wear dark clothing or perform specific prayers for the dead.

Jewish funerals are short services that involve intense mourning, rather than being a part of a larger service. The main mourning period, called shiva, occurs in the 7 days following the funeral. This is when the family mourns at home, and friends stop by to offer condolences. During this time, the family focuses just on mourning and nothing else. To symbolize this, all the mirrors in the house are covered up, and the family must sit on small uncomfortable chairs and wear a mangled black ribbon and slippers, and men are not allowed to shave. These practices are all meant to make people concentrate on the deceased and forget about comfort or appearance. All normal activities are suspended for the mourners to fully concentrate on their grief so that they will be better prepared to reenter life at the end of this period. A memorial candle is kept lit in the family’s home for the entire shiva period. Every year on the anniversary of the death, which is called the yartzheit, the family lights another memorial candle for 24 hr.

The first meal upon returning from the cemetery is called the seudat havrach, which is prepared by friends and neighbors for the mourners. Traditionally, the foods include eggs and other round objects, symbolic of life, hope, and the full circle of life to death. Throughout shiva, friends and relatives bring food to the mourners to eliminate the need for them to think about preparing meals. Those closest to the family will organize dinner preparations for the mourners. Friends and acquaintances will often bring cookies, cakes, fruit, and other food.

No invitation is necessary to visit during a shiva. All visitors offering condolences are welcome to attend. However, keep in mind that it is not Jewish custom to bring or send flowers as one might at a Christian funeral. Jewish tradition encourages mourning and discourages efforts to cheer up the mourners. Donations to selected charities in memory of the deceased are appropriate.

Shiva is followed by schloshim (“30”), which lasts until the 30th day after burial. During this period, the bereaved do not attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not listen to music. The final period of formal mourning, avelut, lasts for 12 months from burial and is observed only for a parent. During avelut, mourners do not go to parties, the theater, or concerts. The son of the deceased recites the Kaddish prayer every day for 11 months. (Why not 12? Traditionally, the soul must purify itself before going to the world to come, which takes up to 12 months for the most evil. To recite the Kaddish for 12 months could imply the parent was the type that would need that long, so rabbinical authority set the limit at 11 months.)

Interestingly, the mourner’s Kaddish does not mention death. Rather, it praises God and asks for the establishment of God’s kingdom. Its purpose is to reaffirm the faith of one who has lost a parent, a time when one is especially vulnerable to turning away from God. This in turn honors the deceased, since it demonstrates he or she has raised a child with faith that is strong enough to endure the death of a loved one. After the first year, the anniversary of death (yahrzeit) is remembered annually at the synagogue. The son recites the Mourner’s Kaddish and makes the aliyah, and a candle is lit that burns for 24 hr.

Islamic Mourning Practices

Islam also requires a specific period of mourning. Family and friends of the deceased mourn for 3 days. However, widows must mourn for exactly four lunar months and 10 days. During the time in which the family mourns, they must avoid wearing decorative jewelry or clothing. Widows follow this same rule for their 4-month period, and they are not allowed to remarry or move during that time. When people are mourning, it is acceptable and expected to show your grief by crying. However, wailing, shrieking, or tearing at hair and clothes is not permitted.

According to the Islamic tradition, Muslims are encouraged to accompany the funeral procession to the grave. They must offer condolences and comfort to the bereaved. However, while doing this, one should be mindful of saying things that help the bereaved to accept God’s will. Comments to the bereaved should be short and tasteful, being careful not to say anything that would be offensive. Finally, excessive wailing, shrieking, and demonstrative mourning are forbidden.

The allowed mourning period for a deceased Muslim is 3 days, except in the case of a widow mourning her husband, in which case she may mourn 4 months and 10 days. It is recommended that one leave after offering the family condolences and offers of assistance. However, in practice, some families will hold gatherings providing food and drink to visitors during those 3 days. Family and friends will customarily bring food to the family of the deceased to relieve them of worrying about those details. Opinion varies on the appropriateness of sending flowers. Check with the family of the deceased or their religious leader before sending them flowers.

Implications for Family Counseling

This section can be divided into two sequential objectives: first, what clinicians might need to know, and second, what the professional literature has identified to date as “best practices” in this domain. In terms of the initial focus, teaching of life-span development must include considerations of grief process and cross-cultural grieving (Jerome, 2011; Thanasiu & Pizza, 2019), including beliefs about death, manner in which individuals and groups mourn, and support other’s grief, funeral traditions, and customs that honor the deceased. Moreover, this study may be a challenge to therapeutic neutrality and clinical professionalism to honor traditions, faiths, and beliefs distinctly different from those of the counselor; but clinicians are encouraged to convey respect for the idiosyncratic religious and spiritual experiences and expressions (Lomax & Carlin, 2016). This issue gained critical importance during preparation of the draft of this article in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic of spring, 2020. The fatalities from this pandemic, quarantined in life and isolated in death, left family members bereft of traditional bereavement practices and in search of support and guidance through these unexpected and tragic episodes of family tragedy.

The second component of this section deals with the provision of identified “best practices” to engage and guide family members through the bereavement process. Clinicians must understand that each family member will experience the loss differently and the family’s grieving protocols must be expanded to hear, legitimize, and support the grieving process of each member. For example, the death of “dad” means that each child will mourn differently based on their relationship with the father, in addition to the partner’s grieving style, and the family circle may include his parents who mourn the passing of a child, his siblings who grieve the death of a brother, and so on. So, while family members cohesively rely on each other for support and strength during this period, each may express personal grief idiosyncratically.

Based on the idea of individual bereavements, as a function of the relationship of each family member with the deceased, “meaning-making” models of counseling (Bonavita et al., 2018; Chambers & Wallingford, 2017; Fleming, 2020; Nichols & Hunt, 2011; Sullender, 2010; Taniyama & Becker, 2014) such as cognitive counseling or narrative counseling allow each family member to share unique experiences, memories, and modes of inclusion regarding the deceased. Each family member, within the context of the family’s religious and/or spiritual beliefs, can be supported to honor the past relationship, to lament its passing, and, in time, to imagine or reauthor one’s life retaining the emotional presence of the departed individual. So, in essence, while family members may meet together to say “farewell,” and to imagine a future without that connection, each member does so differently, and the role of the counselor may be to allow each member time, space, ritual, and voice for personally meaningful expression.

Considerations for Future Research

Two research themes seem evident. The first theme may explore counselor or counselor-in-training knowledge and skills (i.e., self-perceived therapeutic readiness) to respond in meaningful ways with grieving clients. One basic study could explore the current status of this coverage within coursework focusing on “human growth and development” and/or analyzing current texts to ascertain the coverage focused on this life-span event. Findings from this focus of study could legitimize the development of continuing education units and conference workshops to augment existing counseling curricula with directed professional enhancement learning in this topic.

From the perspective of field-based clinical study, the use of qualitative study, of grieving clients from a specific denomination, could simply wonder what was helpful and what not, with repeated search for similarity of themes between congregants. Researchers may discover no similarity which itself is significant in preparing counselors to remain open to each new family rather than make assumptions based on previous study. Cross-disciplinary research, involving clergy, may provide another resource for understanding grieving processes through differing religious/spiritual perspectives.

Conclusion

The practice of family counseling, as with all professional counseling, involves the clinician’s willingness and capacity to learn from each new family its values, patterns, and rituals. Specific to supporting a family through the bereavement process, family counselors must honor the myriad permutations of grieving that will allow each member to say farewell to the recently deceased family member and to “reweave the lost love into the tapestry of the rest of one’s life” (Lomax & Carlin, 2016, p. 65).