Abstract
Almost one-fifth of women living in Ireland remain childless. While this trend reflects changing views towards mothering and womanhood, inquiry to date has predominantly concerned itself with the “why” of choosing to be childless, leading to a dearth of research on the lived experience of this phenomenon. The aim of this research study was to address this imbalance and to explore the lived experience of women living in Ireland who choose to be childless. To do this, a hermeneutic phenomenological research approach was taken. The evocative lived experiences of 15 voluntarily childless women living in Ireland were borrowed. Data analysis identified the common yet divergent human experiences of being fearful, being decisive, being judged, and being free. The original findings of this study consider fear as a positive factor in influencing the decision-making process around procreation for the participants of this study. While voluntarily childless women are often portrayed as wishing to avoid responsibility, the participants in this study experienced a sense of moral responsibility as well as freedom and self-expansion in choosing to forego motherhood. Consideration is also given to how best to respond psychotherapeutically to women who choose to be childless.
Keywords
Voluntary childlessness, as it applies to women, has been defined as females of childbearing age who do not want to have children, despite being fertile; females who are of childbearing age and have decided to be sterilized or females past childbearing age who were fertile but decided against having children (Kelly, 2009).
It has been asserted that continued research into the reasons why women choose to remain childless perhaps reinforces the need for rationalization of this choice in a way that motherhood is not required to be rationalized (Hird, 2003; Vernon, 2009). Indeed, Meyers (2001) suggests that research asking specifically why women remain childless de-emphasizes adult female autonomy and maintains the polarity between the sexes.
While there have been many studies carried out on voluntary and involuntary childlessness in a sociological context (Cwikel et al., 2006; Gobbi, 2013; Kemkes-Grottenthaler, 2003; Koropeckyj-Cox, 2005; Lampman & Dowling-Guyer, 1995; Letherby, 2002; Park, 2002, 2005), there is a paucity of reflection in research about women's actual lived experience of choosing to be childless.
It is not possible to accurately differentiate between the voluntary and involuntary childless rates within demographic statistics. However, given the increase in childlessness in Western industrialized countries, it is presumed that the number of voluntarily childless individuals has increased comparably to involuntarily childless individuals (Peterson, 2015; Roy et al., 2014; Tanturri & Mencarini, 2008). Almost one-fifth of women living in Ireland are remaining childless (OECD, 2018) and while this trend reflects changing views towards mothering, stigmatization is still a big part of the story for those who choose to be childless (Clarke et al., 2018; Kelly, 2009; Letherby, 1999, 2002; Nichols & Pace-Nichols, 2000).
In the late 1960s and 1970s, the second wave of feminism influenced changing outlooks in relation to non-traditional behaviors concerning the family formation and gender roles (Thornton & Young-DeMarco, 2001). In Western countries, women gained certain freedoms such as participation in the paid workforce while contraceptive options expanded, providing real alternatives to the presumption of motherhood (Gillespie, 2000; Vinson et al., 2010).
Nevertheless, some negative perceptions of childless women persist (Gillespie, 2000; Hird & Abshoff, 2000; Jamison et al., 1979; Park, 2002; Polit, 1978; Thomas, 1995). Childless women are often stereotyped as selfish, unfulfilled, abnormal, immature, deviant, and ultimately bereft. However, the research shows that this is not the experience of many women who choose to be childless (DeLyser, 2012; Harré & Moghaddam, 2004; Hird & Abshoff, 2000; Ireland, 1993; Kenyon et al., 2001; Lampman & Dowling-Guyer, 1995; Park, 2002; Vinson et al., 2010).
Increasingly, more positive aspects of being voluntarily childless are also highlighted in the literature. For example, voluntarily childless women report enjoying freedom, increased personal and professional opportunities, and autonomy (Gillespie, 2003; Peterson, 2015) while older women without children describe a productive older adulthood (Cwikel et al., 2006; Doyle et al., 2013). For women who are voluntarily childless, a sense of personal choice and control, as well as an active opposition to stigma, have been found to be protective factors mitigating negative mental health outcomes (Jeffries & Konnert, 2002; Morison et al., 2015; Tanaka & Johnson, 2016).
Within intimate relationships, research has shown that men are viewed as more psychologically healthy when they have children, while women are viewed “more negatively and liked less when described as voluntarily childless” (Nichols & Pace-Nichols, 2000, p. 175). More recently Ashburn-Nardo (2017) found that the moral responsibility of having children fell to both men and women, and that deciding not to have children evoked moral outrage from others. In strongly pronatalist nations where beliefs, conversation, and policies construct women as mothers and men as fathers, this value-laden imperative is particularly noticeable (Tanaka & Johnson, 2016). The couple is a family system, however, there appear to be rules and taboos within family systems about women and voluntary childlessness.
In this article, we present the key findings from a hermeneutic phenomenological (Heidegger, 1927/1962) study concerned with identifying, uncovering, and understanding, what it is really like to be a voluntarily childless woman living in Ireland. This research also illuminates the impact of choosing to be childless within the context of adult intimate and sexual relationships and considers the implications of working psychotherapeutically with women who choose to be childless.
Method
Philosophical and Methodological Position
This study aimed to better understand the lived experience of women who have chosen to be childless, rather than to explain the “why behind the decision” to forgo motherhood. As such, a hermeneutic phenomenological philosophical and methodological approach (Heidegger, 1927/1962) was ideal, as this works to uncover and illuminate “lived experiences” (van Manen, 1990, p. 36). At its core, hermeneutic phenomenology is about uncovering, describing, and understanding day-to-day lived experience (Heidegger, 1927/1962). We were also influenced by van Manen's postulations and approach to phenomenological research as a way of uncovering meaning attributed to human experiences that can formatively inform, reform, transform, perform, and pre-form the relation between being and practice (Heidegger, 1927/1962, van Manen, 2007).
Participants
At the heart of the hermeneutic phenomenological method is a need to “borrow” people's lived experiences to enable the researcher to better understand the essence or significance of the situation (McConnell-Henry et al., 2009). As such, fifteen childless female interviewees, aged between 30 and 48 at the time of the interview, took part, having been recruited from an editorial article that appeared in an Irish newspaper and was subsequently discussed on a national radio show. Six of these women were with long-term partners, three were married, while six were currently single. Each participant was assigned a pseudonym in order to ensure anonymity and confidentiality. Participants were recruited due to their lived experience of choosing to be childless (van Manen, 2014).
Data Collection and Analysis
We collected data by conducting individual semi-structured interviews, three of which took place online via Web-Ex, due to travel constraints and 12 interviews took place in person. The data was analyzed following the principles of hermeneutic phenomenology in order to unconcealed and give voice to women's day-to-day lived experience of being voluntary childless (van Manen, 1997).
Through immersion in the data, previously hidden aspects or “taken for granted” dimensions (Vandermause, 2011, p. 306) of choosing to be voluntarily childless emerged, rendering aspects of the “lifeworld” (Heidegger, 1927/1962, p. 42) of female voluntarily childlessness more intelligible.
Results
Common Human Experiences
During data analysis, we uncovered four “common human experiences” (Vandermause, 2011, p. 314) which capture the “nature or essence of the experience” (van Manen, 1997, p. 10) of choosing to be voluntarily childless. These are being fearful, being decisive, being judged, and being free.
Being Fearful
Fear manifested in several different ways for the voluntarily childless women who took part in this study. The fearful experiences that were unconcealed in their stories were both physical and psychological in nature and were framed as positive by the participants who viewed their fears as confirmation that motherhood was not an authentic role for them. In the first instance choosing to be childless was influenced, for many of the participants, by enduring and genuine concerns about their physical existence being threatened by the pregnancy. For Gracie (41), the physical manifestation of pregnancy could not be contemplated as her persistent fear overrode any potential positive aspects of being pregnant or having a child. Like other women in this study, she firmly believed that she would be physically damaged by childbirth and demonstrated acute fear about being pregnant. If I got pregnant emmm I would be looking for an abortion for sure, I’d be absolutely terrified of being pregnant, that idea of something growing inside me and having to come out, I would find that a very, very traumatic thought you know emmm and even when I see women that are pregnant, I don’t have positive … I feel my stomach tightening when I kind of think about that. (Gracie)
Suzanne (42) also chose to be voluntarily childless, a decision she considered she had control over, however, she was fearful of becoming pregnant as a result of a sexual attack. Like I said it's not that I’ve a fear of rape but I always felt that at least if I was on the Pill or some form of contraception and if I ever got attacked, at least I wouldn’t get pregnant out of it … I just absolutely do not want to be pregnant at all at all. (Suzanne)
Suzanne's fear of pregnancy was so strong that she wanted to ensure that she would not become pregnant through consensual sex and she was even more fearful of becoming pregnant as a result of sexual violation than she was of being sexually violated. For these women, pregnancy is experienced as a genuine threat to their lives, to the very essence of their physical existence. Furthermore, the fear around the physical aspect of pregnancy impacted many of the participants’ sex lives, escalating the level of fear they felt for their actual lives. We didn’t have sex for five years because we were terrified of getting pregnant. I wouldn’t have sex until I was finished my education—that's how much it impacted on me. I told him that if I got pregnant in college, it would kill me. (Gracie)
This lived experience of procreation as a threat to the existence of the participants of this study, and this being connected with their sexual selves and enjoyment of sex, came up with many of the voluntarily childless women who took part in the research. For Bridget (34), separating her fear of pregnancy and motherhood from the act of sex has not been possible. Definitely pregnancy was always something I constantly feared. I always felt really like I couldn’t enjoy sex. Having a child would kill me essentially. (Bridget)
Another participant, Sinead (46), fell pregnant in her late thirties and while she felt some ambiguity in discussing the intellectual idea of motherhood and her suitability for the role, her physical response to an actual pregnancy was immediate and propelled her into taking urgent, resolute action. She became quite agitated as she recalled what it was like for her when she first discovered she was pregnant. Oh crazy, absolutely awful. I was, I would have … emmm … Suicidal, I would have said really and I was quite prepared if I had any resistance along the way emmm I would have been very clear that I would, I will kill myself. (Sinead)
From a psychological perspective, many of the women also described being afraid of losing their identity and ultimately themselves. With gentle conviction, Cara (42) stated that after motherhood “you’re gone.” For Cara, and many other women in this study, having children represents the end of being themselves. And this is an end without the prospect of a new beginning or broader identity. It felt like this big wall was coming down in front of me and like “that's it now, you have to go off and have the children now” and then that means so many other options are going to be closed to you, which is not true I know for so many women but for me, in my head it still always felt like “that's going to be the end of so many things in your life” and so I kept kind of coming back to “why do you feel that way—does it really mean that.” (Cara)
Cara trusted that while her sense of an “end without a new beginning” was a minority view, it was nevertheless something that she considered she would have been foolish to ignore. She believed motherhood would crush her. Sinead was less calm as she contemplated motherhood, but she was no less certain that it would sweep her away on “a tidal wave of misery,” like a ship with no anchor. Whatever issues I’m holding at bay all the time would just overwhelm me, I would just suffer, I would just die basically—that sort of feels like staving off a tidal wave of misery and just being overwhelmed by demands from other people as well. (Sinead)
This sense of being swept away overwhelmed, and suffocated came up again and again for the women in this study, with Niamh (34) conveying a sense of the heavy nature the task of motherhood evoked in her, a constant unrewarding “push.” I think people must really have to want it in order to have to push themselves through to do all the things that you need to do. (Niamh)
Finally, Cara summed up her fear around the loss of self through motherhood by conveying her struggle with becoming known as someone other than Cara. I’m even more sure that I would really struggle with that, I don’t know why I would really struggle with that … of not being Cara but being “Mam.” (Cara)
While fear is often culturally positioned as something which brave, determined people overcome, the voluntarily childless women who took part in this study had a clear, resolute sense that they needed to remain childless in order to sustain their physical and psychological well-being and that their fear was an early signpost that motherhood was not a legitimate choice for them.
Being Decisive
The decision-making process around choosing to be childless was, for most of the research participants, a solo endeavor, meaning that any current or future partners would have to want the same lifestyle for that relationship to be viable. Furthermore, the women who were not in relationships at the time this research was carried out would not consider changing their minds in order to form a partnership. For all of the voluntarily childless female participants, their conscious choice to remain childless was a question of remaining true to themselves—they needed to continue to belong to themselves, rather than share their existence with offspring. Theoretically, any day I could just any day walk out of my job and be like I don't have to worry about feeding a child or children, looking after the childcare costs. (Bridget)
These women were making independent choices that were authentic for them and they were being decisive in the decision-making process. In this regard, Carmel (46) had gratitude in her voice when she recalled how clear the choice was for her. It's just something I’m sure of and I’m not very sure of a lot of things in my life. I’ve always been really grateful that I’m so sure because I know women who aren’t sure, who are ambivalent about it and then they hit late thirties and they start going “oh my God I have to get this done …” (Carmel)
Carmel was very clear that her choice to remain childless was entirely her own and that on this matter, a romantic partner's desires could not overrule her own resolute knowing that she did not and never will want a child. Being in a relationship has never made me think “what if I had a baby in this relationship?” It's never been about the other person, it's about me—that I just don’t feel it. (Carmel)
Leo (43) talked about having a choice, making the decision and then “owning” it, and the sense that she did indeed own it came across very strongly, it seemed important to her that this be understood and accepted. I made that life decision, I chose that route and that path in life and that's what it is so own it, don't look back look forward, move on—that's the way for me. (Leo)
And although Leo has been with her now husband for over 20 years, had he wanted children at any stage, she knows she would have had to walk away rather than abandon what she knows to be the authentic choice for her. If he had said “I want kids” then we would have had to go our separate ways. (Leo)
This sentiment is echoed by Kelly (46), who would also walk away from a relationship, including her marriage of 5 years, rather than change her mind in a way that she considers detrimental to herself. God I can’t imagine anything worse, I mean you would break up of course you would, you know because I can’t imagine somebody would persuade me, I just don’t think I want to change my view that much through somebody. (Kelly)
Similarly, Iris (30) would be prepared to end her relationship of ten years. I think if he wanted children, we wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship. (Iris)
Niamh remembered her own forthrightness upon meeting her current partner of three years and making it clear to him that she would rather be on her own than compromise on her conscious choice to remain childless. I was kind of like look here's my position, I’m not going to have kids, I’m not interested and I’ve never wanted to have kids. Obviously, we really like each other so if you’re okay with that decision then obviously we can continue on. (Niamh)
For many of the women who took part in this study, making the decision around choosing to be childless ultimately led them to a place of calm and certainty about being on the right path and feeling peace within themselves. It's the relief, I feel I've found myself—I’m found to myself. (Bridget)
The lack of ambivalence for most of the voluntarily childless women who took part in this study unconcealed the experience of being decisive in the decision-making process around motherhood. For many of these women, even if it cost them in terms of having to sacrifice their intimate relationship, they remained resolute in their desire to remain childless.
Being Judged
Implicit and explicit messages that link womanhood and motherhood led to many of the participants of this study to an experience of being judged within family systems as well as by friends, potential partners, and society. Some of the women who participated in this study spoke about the expectations and/or rules within their family systems about women having children. These participants recalled being challenged feeling or isolated within the family system when choosing voluntary childlessness. Some of the voluntarily childless women who were interviewed grew up hearing a similar message—that the end goal for women is to procreate and if they don’t then they will be pitied or looked down on: “It's kind of seen as a ‘pity’, like people kind of feel bad for you that you don’t have kids” (Dorothy).
The common understanding amongst the voluntarily childless participants was that not having children meant that they are not considered “real” women. While this often positioned them as outsiders, the voluntarily childless women who took part in this research were resolute in their conscious choice to not have children. Dorothy (31) was slightly incredulous and spoke in a withering tone as she observed that women are still seen as less than if they do not achieve motherhood. The motherhood thing, it's changing but it's still associated with being a woman, having a full kind of experience of being a woman. It's seen as such an important part of the female experience. (Dorothy)
Gracie also talked about the idea that becoming a mother is seen as a completion or end game of womanhood and that not doing so leads to an experience of being an outsider. Married for over 20 years, Gracie appeared hurt that she and her husband as a unit are rarely referred to as a family and are judged as being less mature than their peers due to their decision to remain childless. When you have children people refer to you as “the family”—they don’t refer to you as family if you’re a couple you know and we feel very much that we are a family unit, just the two of us … If we had children I think people would see us more as a family and also maybe see us more as grown up “cause we both feel that our mothers in particular talk to us like we’re still children. I think that there is a kind of a change in perception of you when you have children—that you’re proper grown up and I think that sometimes when you don’t, you’re still kind of seen as a child.” (Gracie)
The messaging around motherhood being an imperative part of the maturation into full womanhood is so strong that Iris actually sought out older women in a childless online forum in order to see if they were miserable and regretful of their decision. I was looking for other women feeling the exact same way that I was and they’re women in their 40 s and 50 s and they had really happy lives and I suppose I was looking for that even though I knew that I made the decision not to have children … probably just the confirmation that “god women can have really happy lives without children.” (Iris)
Iris found this comforting as she felt judged talking about her resolute decision to remain childless in ordinary everyday settings. I suppose it's still a bit of a taboo you know people don’t shout from the rooftops “I’m not gonna have children.” (Iris)
Intimate relationships also come under pressure from being judged by others. Some participants sensed a demand placed on them through a societal expectation that all couples want to become parents. Kelly recalled a romance she had prior to meeting her now husband. If there was any conversation with people who are dying to have grandkids and they’re all about family what do you say—“oh I’m an oddball,” “your son is with an oddball, she doesn’t want to have kids’ you know, people do have a strange reaction.” (Kelly)
Kelly's experience of being judged as an ‘oddball’ or misfit for not wanting to become a mother unconceals the experience of being judged for being different.
When Tracy (35) recalled her experiences of being judged, her frustration was palpable. Having made a conscious choice to not have children and instead pursue social work and education, she seemed angry that this was not deemed enough by strangers, family, and friends who she believed had an unhealthy interest in her reproductive intentions. Measure me by something that I want to be measured by. I may not be growing a family but I’m getting a PhD and I might help develop social policy all over the world—why don’t you measure me by that. (Tracy)
The narrow understanding of what successful womanhood looks like was further put under the microscope by Tracy who stridently refuses to be put in a box. My life is not “childless.” I’m not someone incapable of mothering, I do a lot of mothering, I just choose not to have a child physically, I choose not to mother in that way. (Tracy)
Tracy clearly articulated a sense of frustration shared by other voluntarily childless participants that choosing to be childless leads to a sense of being judged as not good enough and not accomplished enough—regardless of any achievements made in areas other than motherhood.
Choosing a lifestyle that does not include motherhood led to the participants of this study being judged as less than in terms of their womanhood. The experience they described as one of being pitied, viewed as an oddball, not being considered a proper family unit without children, feeling silenced around their decision to remain childless, and having their other accomplishments minimized. This led to many of the voluntarily childless women being judged and experiencing the pain of exclusion or marginalization within their own gender. However, the women who took part in this study recognized and learned to tolerate the outsider role in order to remain true to their own lived experience that motherhood was not an authentic choice for them. While their choice to be childless either overtly or covertly placed them as an outsider in their family systems and in wider social and cultural systems, the participants who took part in this study were at peace with their decision.
Being Free
The experience of being free is perhaps a widely assumed part of the voluntarily childless life for women, yet what was unconcealed in this study was a more complex picture of freedom than a surface desire to avoid the practical burdens of motherhood. Indeed, what emerged was a more layered story in terms of the psychological and biological freeing experiences of being voluntarily childless. Psychologically, what was unconcealed was that for many of the participants, it was existentially necessary to remain free from the responsibilities of motherhood.
Having grown up as the eldest in a large family, Tracy had a keen sense of what being responsible for other more helpless individuals entailed. Her tone was very definite when she spoke of her determination to not to have this level of responsibility repeated in her adult life. As soon as I understood what it meant and what it was going to take I kind of knew that I wasn’t going to do it. (Tracy)
Interestingly, several of the women used an identical image, of a door handle moment as they arrive home, to illustrate their visceral need to remain childless. At this moment they experienced an immense sense of relief that their decision had brought them. The vivid illustration below, painted by Claire (44), of relief upon arriving home and being free from “the burden” of motherhood, was widely shared by other participants. As Claire walks through her literal door into the world she has created, she is resolute that her decision not to walk through the metaphorical door of motherhood has been the right one for her. There are many layers to what ‘coming home’ means in her description. I just arrive at home at my door sometimes and I just think I can go into my house and there is peace and that is what feels free, it's not “oh I have so much time and I can do what I want and go where I want,” it's just that sense of not feeling I suppose the burden of that. (Claire)
On a biological level, most of the women spoke about being free from any physical urge to procreate and referred to this as an early warning sign that motherhood was not an authentic choice for them. Tracy's psychological awakening around her desire to be free from responsibility was predated by her knowing that she lacked the physical urge to have a child. There was an unwavering quality to her voice as she spoke about this. I never had a biological urge to reproduce and I’ve never looked at my partner and said I need a mini version of you. (Tracy)
Kelly's tone signaled her relief that the visceral draw towards motherhood commonly expressed by women was not something she had ever experienced. I don’t feel this biological urge or clock or all that kind of stuff that they go on about. (Kelly)
Norma (32) who has been married for over 3 years and with her now husband since she was 18 years of age, often felt like an outsider in “female” conversations when her women friends would gush over a baby or speculate about their own “predestined” motherhood. I couldn't relate to any of those things, like that kind of urge … that like biological urge just doesn't exist in me I don't have that. (Norma)
Iris also noted the absence of any longing toward motherhood in her own body. I don’t have the urge to have children, you know some people they just really want to see what their potential children would look like or be like and I just don't have that. (Iris)
Iris, like most of the women who took part in this study, acknowledged that regret may not hit her until she was older. Nonetheless, she was prepared to risk feeling regret, rather than ignore her lack of physical urge to become a mother. The absence of this physical urge was understood by Iris and many other participants as a sign that their decision to be childless was an authentic one for them, even though it placed them very firmly outside of the perceived norm of women as mothers. The child piece is not something that I feel is a lack in any sense so for me it's freedom. (Carmel)
Ultimately, as expressed by Carmel, the women who took part in this research study revealed that they were apart from the majority of women, who consider motherhood to be a predetermined aspect of their desired experience of womanhood. However, the participants of this study had a sense of completeness in themselves, and an enduring desire to maintain this status quo.
Being outside of the perceived gender norm also offered the participants of this study an unusually positive view of the aging process. For them, getting older and being in menopause represented a stage of life when they might be biologically free from the physical capacity to carry a child, and also be psychologically free from the intrusive nature of other people telling them that they either might change their mind or still have time to become a mother. Sinead summed this experience up quite succinctly by simply saying: I’m kind of quite relieved to be too old. (Sinead)
Suzanne was looking forward to the nature of the change her age may play in her dating life as the “what if we have kids” question becomes irrelevant. While relationships in her 20 s and 30 s were dominated by her sense of being out of sync for not wanting children, as a woman in her mid-40 s this pressure is diminishing in accordance with her diminishing fertility. I feel a little bit freer because I know that whoever I’ll be meeting up with, it will be probably a second time round relationship for them and so therefore they’ll either have made their peace with not having kids or they’ll already have kids and spending a period of time with them—so it means then when they’re with me, I’ll be the focus of the relationship, not the “what if we have kids.” (Suzanne)
This excitement around entering a new life stage repositioned menopause as something to look forward to in Leo's life, as it represents freedom. I think it's one of the great things about getting older, I do not care what people think and I live my own life and make my own choices. So, I do feel a lot of freedom and I enjoy that freedom and I’m used to that freedom now. Definitely … at this stage, to be honest, I think I'd rather just get the menopause and be done. (Leo)
On a visceral level, the participants of this study intuited that the responsibility of loving and caring for a child would be in direct conflict with their own survival. For many, the lack of any physical urge or longing to procreate was too strong to ignore and they were looking forward to being older and therefore free from any societal insistence that motherhood was still a possibility. Psychologically, these voluntarily childless women needed to be free from the “burden” of motherhood as the role represented a threat to their own survival and potential.
The “common human experiences” (Vandermause, 2011, p. 314), of these voluntarily childless women, appear to show the challenges and rewards of choosing non-motherhood. Being fearful of procreation isn’t something that these women needed to get over in order to move on with their lives but was a useful signpost emanating from their primordial wisdom that bearing children would be existentially threatening. Being decisive meant that many of the participants would have been prepared to sacrifice important intimate relationships in order to remain childless. This position led to a sense of being judged, even their sense of womanhood was under threat. Yet, even this experience of being an outsider, often within their own gender, did not sway them. Ultimately, the voluntarily childless women who took part in this study resolutely honored their sense that existentially they need to be psychologically and physically free from the burdens of motherhood.
Discussion
As we drew on the principles of Heideggerian Hermeneutic Phenomenology in undertaking this research, participants’ experiences and the meanings that they attributed to these will now be explored, understood, and discussed through a Heideggerian philosophical lens, in order to uncover and make intelligible women's experiences of voluntarily choosing to be childless. From this philosophical position, the “common human experiences” (Vandermause, 2011, p. 314) of being fearful, being decisive, being judged, and being free have emerged for the women living in Ireland who took part in this research.
While many women can experience fear and worry about the prospect of becoming mothers, childbirth and the impending changes having a child will make to their lives, in this research we have uncovered that a dominant common human experience for our female participants was enduring existential anxiety. Heidegger offers the view that human beings have an innate primordial wisdom that informs their choices and actions in specific life worlds (Heidegger, 1927/1962). So, in the life world of choosing to be childless, it is suggested that the women who took part in this research primordially knew that there was an innate wisdom or phronesis being manifested in their choice to have a childless existence. Therefore, they experienced enduring physical and psychological fear in circumstances that put them under pressure to disregard their primordial wisdom. Through this philosophical lens, existential anxiety is not deemed to be negative or disempowering, but is construed as a manifestation of innate wisdom, which if listened to, can lead to more authentic (Heidegger, 1927/1962) and positive physical and psychological existences.
Participants’ common experiences of fear around procreation, enduring since they were young girls, could not be assuaged by other's assurances or by anticipating the societally validated and celebrated role of motherhood (Hird, 2003). The participants were acutely aware that some of the fears they expressed could appear irrational to others and some even recalled feeling foolish for not being able to cognitively overcome these fears. However, for the participants in this study, the prospect of motherhood was experienced as an existential threat, a threat to their physical and psychological survival.
In order to healthily survive in mind and body, the women in this study were decisive in their choices to be childless. They were decisive in their belief that being childless was an authentic existence. Heidegger offers the view that human beings can exist authentically, inauthentically, or in a mode of undifferentiatedness (Heidegger, 1927/1962). When people are in the authentic mode of existence, they are autonomous entities, who have the capacity to truly be themselves. In authentic existence human beings pay attention to their innate, primordial wisdom, listen to their own inner voices and they can experience self-fulfillment (Carman, 2007). The women who took part in this study provided many evocative accounts of being fulfilled in the lifeworld of female childlessness. They gave clear accounts of self-fulfillment in adult intimate and sexual relationships or when living alone. Many of the participants indicated that were afraid of the consequences of not being true to themselves, of living inauthentically (Heidegger, 1927/1962), while clearly understanding that this placed them on the margins of family and societal expectations about women overcoming fears about procreation and gaining fulfillment by having children.
The women who took part in this study also described common human experiences of being judged by others. They experienced judgment from family, friends, work colleagues, and interestingly, often from other women: “So many people throughout life tell you that you’ll change your mind” (Niamh). The experience of being judged is frequently referred to as “stigma” in the literature and researchers have highlighted the abiding social pressure on those who are voluntarily childless to conform to societal norms (Shapiro, 2014). While those who are involuntarily childless are often pitied, voluntarily childless individuals are observed more negatively, leading to assertions that: “It is not only the process of raising children that makes one socially desirable, but one's orientation toward the process of raising children” (Chancey & Dumais, 2009, p. 208). Furthermore, in critically analyzing the stigmatization of the voluntarily childless, the literature frequently refers to the construction of womanhood as motherhood (Gillespie, 2000) and voluntarily childless as unfeminine. As the women in this study did not bend under the weight of judgment from others, they became outsiders in a society that highly prizes motherhood.
In order to withstand and tolerate the judgment of others, many of the participants in this study demonstrated resoluteness about their decision to be voluntarily childless. In everyday vernacular, to be resolved is to promise oneself to some activity or plan and thus, in a way, to be accountable for one's life (Gelven, 1989; Mulhall, 2005; Polt, 1999). Being resolute in Heideggerian terms is to live in a way that is consistent with one's own values and potential for living a finite existence (Heidegger, 1927/1962). As human beings, we are resolute when we decide and choose to live with resolve in the manner in which we directly confront each particular situation that we encounter in the world. In doing so we constantly and resolutely face up to our mortality, when we confront the specific and often challenging situations that we encounter throughout our limited existence of being-in-the-world (Glover & Philbin, 2017).
In existing resolutely, many of the women in this study were overtly judged by others, including their own family system, who proffered negative consequences of choosing to be voluntarily childless. For example, one common question to the women in this study, was “who will mind you when you’re older?” Many of our participants acknowledged that they cannot predict the future and that there could be every possibility that they may at some point experience regret or loneliness. However, from a Heideggerian philosophical perspective, it is considered that the women in this study were able to dwell in this existential conundrum, dwell in the finiteness of their own existence, resist family and societal judgment and continue to be resolute in their innate wisdom that motherhood was not an authentic lifeworld for them.
Authentic existence and existing resolutely as a voluntarily childless woman resulted in enduring common human experiences of being free for our participants. However, much of the literature proffers the idea of voluntarily childless women as selfish, and perhaps selfishly resisting a life of being responsible—for children, for maintaining the status quo, for procreation, for safeguarding future generations (Letherby, 1999, 2002; Nichols & Pace-Nichols, 2000; Rowlands & Lee, 2006). An analysis of marriage and family textbooks produced from 1950 to 2000 clearly demonstrates that the portrayals of childless adults are mostly negative (Chancey & Dumais, 2009). Giving birth and becoming a mother remain symbolically important rites of passage, buttressing the notion that woman and mother become largely one and the same (Koropeckyj-Cox et al., 2007). Yet, more positive aspects of voluntary childlessness are also highlighted in the literature and one benefit regularly cited is the freedom voluntarily childlessness affords (Houseknecht, 1977). These freedoms include increased opportunities for self-fulfillment, better finances, reduced domestic responsibilities, and spontaneity in terms of lifestyle (Abma & Martinez, 2006; Dykstra & Hagestad, 2007; Morell, 1994; Tanturri & Mencarini, 2008; Wood & Newton, 2006).
Rather than wishing to sidestep perceived grown-up responsibilities like parenthood, this study shows that voluntary childlessness is a responsible decision for those who know that motherhood is an inauthentic choice for them. It was only after they made their decision to remain childless, that a sense of freedom and expansion was experienced by the participants of this study, as opposed to freedom being a consequence of avoiding responsibility.
From an existential perspective, freedom and responsibility are for fellow travelers (Frankl, 1965). It can take great fortitude to be both free and responsible at the same time (May, 1983). What emerged for the women in this study, was a sense that they had a responsibility to themselves, to be healthy, both psychologically and physically. Choosing to be voluntarily childless, even when marginalized by society, was for these women the responsible way to exist in the world. The existential struggle they experienced between responsibility and freedom found them taking the road less traveled, as a perceived outsider, resisting family and societal pressure towards living inauthentically.
In this study, the common human experience (Vandermause, 2011) of being free from responsibility emerged as something much more substantive than a lifestyle choice. The fear that many women expressed in this study was that motherhood would end their life and they were resolutely free from any urge to procreate. Many were fearful that less than positive intergenerational issues or patterns would be repeated were they to have children of their own. Many had perceived a lack of maternal feelings in their own mothers. Much thought went into their acknowledgment of these truths, framing the decision to be childless as something more complex than a simple selfish lifestyle option. From a Heideggerian perspective, it could be understood, that in forgoing motherhood and experiencing an enduring sense of freedom, that the women in this study were mindful of finitude. In being aware of their own mortality they were able to embraces the “fragile” possibilities of life (Carman, 2007, p. 291), which afforded them the freedom to make valuable contributions to society, as women.
Limitations
The present study is the first known to specifically research the lived experience of voluntarily childless women in an Irish context. A key strength of applying van Manen's (1990) approach to this research study is its ability to facilitate the inclusion of deeply evocative presentations of the participants’ experiences of being voluntarily childless. A further key strength of this study is that it has illuminated an under-researched but highly topical phenomenon that frequently makes its way into the therapy room. The study uncovers the lifeworld behind the choice to be a voluntarily childless woman and the findings challenge potentially rigid psychotherapeutic adherence to current developmental theories.
Even so, our results should be considered in light of certain limitations. Firstly, while the recruitment process made explicit a desire to include both heterosexual and homosexual females living in Ireland, interested participants were not required to state their sexual orientation at the outset as this was deemed too invasive. During the interview process, it transpired that all 15 participants identified as heterosexual.
Secondly, for similar reasons, our study also relied on samples of participants that were entirely white. However, it is worth pointing out that the homogenous nature of the participant group is reflective of Ireland, the population of which, although diversifying in terms of race and ethnicity, is still statistically predominantly white.
Finally, it would be interesting to uncover if these findings can also be applied to the lived experience of the partners of voluntarily childless heterosexual women and voluntarily childless couples.
Practice Implications
Our study's findings suggest several important perspectives which may help inform clinical practice with women who choose to be childless. As therapists and supervisors are influenced by societal norms, we consider that it is incumbent on those who provide therapy to voluntarily childless women, to consider their attitudes and values about motherhood and how these may pervade the therapeutic encounter. Therapists and supervisors are also influenced by dominant discourses in the field of psychotherapy many of which enable practitioners to develop a clear rationale for the theoretical approach(es) they utilize with their clients. However, some of the existing theories of development, including Erikson's theory of psychosocial development (1963) and the normative family life cycle as developed and presented by Carter and McGoldrick (1998), no longer reflect the mores of modern society. In 2022 women in particular have very different outlooks, expectations, and legal standing than they did when these theories of development were first constructed, in the last century.
Existing theories of development could be adapted to include the assertion that transitions, life events, and stress points across the life course can be as maturing as parenthood (Koropeckyj-Cox, 2005; Rowland, 1982). Indeed, parenthood is now widely considered to be just one of the various ways to experience growth, maturity, and contentment in adulthood (Azar, 2002). Various studies have demonstrated that childless individuals often participate in generativity-promoting experiences. These include being engaged in the wider family system in lives of children (e.g., nephews, nieces, friends’ offspring), taking care of family (e.g., aging parents), working in areas such as medicine, teaching, social work as well as volunteering and mentoring and involvement in the community (Allen, 1989; Milardo, 2005; Rubinstein, 1996).
So how best to respond to female clients seeking to explore such issues in a therapeutic setting? It seems appropriate that an integrative approach to therapy might be suited to exploring some of the themes uncovered in this study. This approach should include a family systems perspective, with respect to assisting women to understand the significant influence the family system has on their choice to be childless and what role may be assigned to them or they may adopt in choosing to be childless. Additionally, we consider an integration of Person Centered Therapy (PCT) and Existential Therapy, would be of benefit to voluntarily childless women who experience judgment, marginalization, isolation, dilemmas in adult intimate relationships, as well as fear.
Based on Murray Bowen's family systems theory (Bowen, 1966), family systems therapy holds that individuals are inseparable from their network of relationships. It has been asserted that family systems can shape a person's determination by influencing their perspective toward children and their ideas about existing norms regarding fertility (Mönkediek & Bras 2017)
One lens through which women can explore their desire to remain childless is Bowen's proposition that the best way to grow a more solid self is through a deeper understanding of the relationships that make up our original families (Bowen, 1966).
The PCT approach is considered to be a humanistic-experiential approach within the humanistic psychotherapy tradition (Nelson-Jones, 1992). PCT holds that disturbance exists whenever there is antagonism between a person's tendency to actualize in one direction and their self-actualization, which may lie in another direction (Tudor, 2017).
PCT's non-expert, non-judgmental, and non-directive person-centered application places high value on the client's right to self-determination (Rogers, 1961). Such a therapeutic approach is well placed to create a safe space for a woman wishing to make often difficult and complicated decisions around whether or not they want to forego motherhood.
The roots of existential therapy emanate out of philosophical thought (Schneider & Krug, 2010) and as such it does not adhere to a specified set of techniques. The underlying principles of existential therapeutic work are to facilitate clients to become more open to their own experience, in all its antithetical existence (Langdridge, 2013; van Deurzen, 2017). One of the most beneficial aspects of the existential approach to psychotherapy is its concern with the subjective experience of life, as well as to how the individual relates to the external world. Women in this study grappled with the tension between freedom and responsibility and how best to live fulfilled lives based on choices that were authentic for them, even if those choices placed them outside of societal norms. Existential Therapy focuses on the anxiety that occurs when a client confronts the conflict inherent in life. Therefore, women struggling with their basic sense that motherhood is not for them, while also wishing to “belong” in a society that prizes parenthood, could greatly benefit from such a therapeutic approach.
Heidegger's phenomenological philosophical position has strongly influenced existential therapy (Glover & Philbin, 2017; Heidegger 1927/1962), which is the philosophical and methodological framework guiding this study. Heidegger's philosophy is principally interested with illuminating the meaning of being. Correspondingly, Existential Therapy and PCT prioritize the depth of human experiencing and endeavor to bring to awareness, the meanings which clients attach to their ever-changing existences (Glover & Philbin, 2017; van Deurzen, 2017).
Conclusion
The results of our study provide rich, evocative, and descriptive accounts of participants’ lived experiences of choosing to be childless in an Irish context. Three original and “hidden aspects” (van Manen, 1990, p. 18) of the lived experience of choosing to be childless were unconcealed in this study. Firstly, it was found that the experience of being fearful, both psychologically and physically, needed to be seen as something wise, rather than the more common framing of fear as a maladaptive response to a challenging decision or situation. In the context of voluntarily childless women who are responding to a primordial sense that motherhood is an inauthentic role for them, this fear warrants exploration and perhaps even celebration. It is our considered opinion that this original finding is of particular use in the field of psychotherapy, so that therapists may challenge a common assumption that fear is always negative. This finding also signals a need for a more expansive view of human development than that which many of the existing theories of development offer.
This study also confirms the experience of being judged for choosing to be childless. However, related to this experience there emerged an original finding in terms of how voluntarily childless women respond to this judgment. This study unconcealed the experience of voluntarily childless women being able to sustain this judgment and be resolute in choosing to forego motherhood as an inauthentic choice for them. The lack of ambivalence for most of the voluntarily childless women who took part in this study was notable. Many were quite prepared to sacrifice their intimate relationship in order to remain childless and belong to themselves, rather than share their existence with offspring.
Finally, this study also revealed the experience of responsibility leading to freedom as one of “the essential aspects” (van Manen, 1997, p. 41) of the overall lived experience of voluntarily childless women. In the existing literature, the voluntarily childless are frequently depicted as selfishly wanting to be free from responsibility. What emerged in this study was that the relationship between responsibility and freedom for voluntarily childless women is a much more complex experience. Many of the participants of this study painted a vivid picture of how being responsible lead them to explore and contemplate their potential future as mothers. This sense of being responsible helped them realize that motherhood was an inauthentic existence for them, thus making childlessness the authentic choice. It was only after choosing to be childless that these participants then had the experience of being free. Challenging the common assumption of voluntary childlessness as a selfish choice contributes to our further understanding of the phenomenon of choosing to be childless.
These new insights and proposed recommendations specifically suited to working psychotherapeutically with those making important choices around motherhood move our knowledge of the phenomenon of voluntarily childless women beyond dominant discourses. New and original contributions have been made to the field of voluntarily childless women which will potentially be of benefit to therapists, supervisors, educators, and most importantly to clients who are striving to navigate an authentic existence in which they can be both morally responsible and free to embrace their potentials for living by choosing to forego motherhood.
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
