Abstract
This performance of a family history is about women’s agency in love, sex, and marriage. Decent women are supposed to keep their virginity until they get married, and this norm influences all the three generations of women in this performance. Women with premarital sex have to pass as virgins in order to be respected. The burden to keep their sexual life private is almost all on the women because being sexually active before marriage only affects the women’s reputation. This performance is about how the forced silence renders women helpless and the women’s physical and emotional disaster caused by their sexual shame throughout their relationship. Finally, this piece is also about the strength of women as survivors.
Keywords
Cast
Scene One: Grandma’s Arranged Marriage
[The grandma is facing the audience,
as if her granddaughter is among them, in front of her.
She is wearing a loose tank and sitting on a stool.
The room of the condo she is in is crowded with furniture.
On the wall is a picture of a young man.
There is incense and apple in front of the picture by the wall.
A Cat was tied with a rope to the corner of the room,
with food and water nearby.
A Shetland sheepdog is walking around quietly in the room.]
The Grandma [she burns another incense and gaze at the picture on the wall for a minute, then goes back to the stool, sits down, and starts to talk]: Your grandpa was a good guy. I married him because my father liked him. My father’s work unit is next to your grandpa’s. They share a cafeteria. That is where they met. They liked each other. My father thought he was a reliable man, and he liked me, so they reached an agreement. I was 18 years old at that time. How could I know what is happening? My father wanted me to marry him, so I did. Luckily, he was a good man. He had been kind to me all his life. He did not shout at me even once.
[She pauses then continue.]
He married once before he met me. That woman ran away secretly with her lover, a prisoner, only 2 months after they got married. Who knows what she was thinking! The regiment your grandfather was in, which is Regiment One at that time, was really taking this seriously! They posted pictures of those two people at all the railway stations from Regiment One, Xinjiang, to Hubei province! It was over thirty-hour trip by train back then. They were caught in Hubei. Because that man was in the prison for a felony, he was shot to death in Hubei immediately after he was caught again in Hubei. The woman was sent back. They asked your grandfather whether he wanted her back or not. If he said yes, she would not be sued or sentenced. Your grandfather said no. She held on to his legs and begged him to say yes. But he said no. She was sentenced to 18 years of labor in prison. [She looks back at the picture and continue talking gently.] When I married him, I was 18 years old and he was 14 years older than I was. It was 1960.
Narrator: On April 13, 1950, the P. R. China government promulgated the first Marriage Law of this newly established country. “Polygamy in the feudal marriage system and arranged marriage is abolished; no betrothal should be allowed; free consent of both parties is necessary; equal status of husband and wife is legally guaranteed; registration by the State takes the place of parental approval; and a minimum marriage age is set—18 for women and 20 for men.” 1
The daughter [her voice raises from the audience]: But how is consent of both parties defined? When they come to register as husband and wife, of course they agree, but what is behind it? It looks like women got their agency legally confirmed, but in practice agency has always been in fight with structure. Sometimes the product looks fine, but the principle upon which decision was made could not be applied to other cases.
The grandma: I was lucky. Your grandpa was a good guy.
The daughter: What if he was not? This is so unpredictable.
The grandma [continues without noticing the daughter’s question]: I don’t understand why your father was not like his father. Maybe it’s because I was too mean to your mother back then, now we are punished. Your father could not get a decent woman. Our family is so broken. Your mother had been so caring. We committed sin so we do not deserve her now.
[The stage goes dark.]
Scene Two: Mom’s Aborted Suicide
[The mother is facing the audience like her daughter is among them.
She is talking to her daughter.
The room she is in is crowded but organized according to an order in her mind.
She is the only one who knows where to look for the stuff one wants in this room.]
The mother: He came to talk to me EVERY DAY when I studied in my English teacher’s office. I stayed at home taking care of my sick mom for eight years before she passed away, so I really treasure the opportunity to be in school again. That is why I was annoyed by him at first. And rumors were around that we were together before we really were. He was my teacher, but he did not teach me until the second semester I knew him. In the second semester, he asked me to go to his office every evening, where he give extra instruction to me on how to calculate short-circuit current and other stuff in his syllabus.
I did not know anything about intimate relationship. I thought I would get pregnant for kissing or sitting on a chair which a man had just been on. Nobody talks about that. Both of us were virgin at that time. When we were in his office, gradually, we had some intimate touching. Little by little [hesitates and lowers her voice], he put it in. [pause] That was the date we celebrate. We do not celebrate our wedding anniversary. He was so happy that he kept screaming “I have a wife” after that. But I was embarrassed to death. I even wanted to commit suicide. I almost did. Late at that night, I was on the roof of that five-floor building, standing over there by the edge. [She goes to the edge of the stage and stands still.] I was ashamed. [The lights] It was some feeling I could not describe in words. That was just embarrassing. We used that part of our body to PEE! I could not remember how long I had been standing over there. Finally, I realized that if I died, he would be the one to be blamed by other people, accused to be responsible for my death. I couldn’t do that. WE WERE IN LOVE.
He doesn’t know about this even now. This is the first time I tell anyone about this.
The daughter [her voice raises from the audience]: Love, love, love.
The mother: Love hurts. When you are in love, you will know.
[The stage goes dark.]
Scene Three: Anyone Took My Virginity?
[It is an apartment in the Midwest of USA.
The daughter stands up from the audience and goes to the stage.
She sits in her chair, facing the audience.
Behind her are a queen-size bed and a tall book shelf filled with books.]
The daughter: We were in a relationship for 3 month before THAT happened. We had known each other for four years and both of us were virgins. We were in his dorm. He asked his other roommates to leave every time his girlfriend came. He had bought a three-pack Durex beforehand when we were in a pharmacy. I sensed danger when he did that. I was scared because I promised my mom that we wouldn’t do it until we get married. She told me, “You guys have the rest of your life together, so why hurry?” But this doesn’t make sense. If we are to be together, why should we wait and waste our time? It is like defending a territory. You could not just tell people about your bottom line and stayed there. I said yes when he wanted to kiss, when he wanted a French kiss, when he wanted us both naked, when he caressed my body, so how could I hold the bottom line when it is within his sight? I don’t want to be the kind of virgin who has anal sex before marriage so that she could preserve her hymen. But, where should I stop him?
I panicked when he put on a condom, but he did not really listen to me.
When I looked into his eye, I saw gentle and care. I didn’t want to disappoint him or make him seem creepy. WE WERE IN LOVE!
He wasted two condoms since he could not stay hard to get in because it hurt me so bad. When he put on the third, I just wanted this embarrassing situation to be over as soon as possible. So I let him in. It felt like I was stretched like a balloon and balloon hurt itself.
I didn’t know who was to blame. He agreed to not have sex before marriage, but he did not keep his promise, and I was the one who let him in because I was impatient.
I didn’t know. I thought he lied and made me do this. Although he loved me and had sympathy on my pain, I wasn’t happy. I was confused. Who took my virginity? I let him in at that moment, but I did not want to the whole time. Why did he keep trying when we had agreement beforehand? [She pauses, then continues] I felt like he set me up, but we were in love. Love forgives, doesn’t it? Besides, we are going to be together for a long, long time, I thought.
[The stage goes dark.]
Scene Four: White Lies?
[The mother and daughter appear as they are now;
the mother is a middle-aged woman and the daughter is a young woman.
They both face the audience and speak one after the other.
A single spotlight shed on the mother first.]
The mother: I did not know what to do. He sometimes asked me to go to his dorm at 2 or 3 a.m. There was one time, on our way to the movie theatre, I sprained my ankle. So he took me to his dorm and I stayed at his place that night. The whole school was ignited because I slept somewhere else. When the administrative officer of the school interrupted and asked me if anything happened, we made up a lie that he was taking care of me since I was hurt.
But sometimes I just could not keep the secret. On my way to see his parents, I got pregnant. We found this out after we arrived at his parents’ home. We were not married yet. I had high fever on our way over there and we were worried the medicine I took might harm the fetus; therefore abortion was our only choice. There was no way I could hide the fact that I have already slept with him.
When I took the premarital check-up, the doctor said, “This is so weird. Why is this woman’s pubic hair shaved? Why is her vagina so loose? Should I write it on the report?” My hair was shaved for the abortion. And loose? I know why. That was so embarrassing.
About two or three month after that operation, I got pregnant again. When my first and only daughter was born, the colleagues and friends of mine and his were suspicious because it was barely ten month after we got married. People just love gossiping. It was very embarrassing to get condoms as well. At that time, we could only get condoms from our work unit. Like everything else, condoms were also allocated by the collective body. Every work unit had certain person in charge of “birth control.” We went to that person for condom.
[The spotlight goes off, and then lights again on the daughter.]
The daughter: Because I shared a dorm room with three other students, sometimes we checked in a cheap convenience hotel near campus. My mom called me almost every other day. So sometimes I had to call her first so that she would not call me by the number of the fixed phone in my dorm. I had to lie to my roommates too. One of them was still a virgin. She sometimes lied to another roommate’s parents for that girl because she lives with her boyfriend outside campus. But I had to lie to her too, so that she wouldn’t ask me what a man’s penis looks like. But I think she knew.
[The stage goes dark.
When the lights go on again, the stage shows a dorm room.
Three women are chatting before going to sleep.
B and the daughter are lying on their bunk bed.
One twin size bed on the lower level of one of these bunk beds is empty,
with only quilts and bunch of clothes on it.
A is sitting in front of her desk facing her computer screen.
It shows a picture of a woman licking Edison’s glans.
They are chatting about Edison Chen’s photo scandal before going to sleep.]
Narrator: Edison Chen took photos of him and his girlfriend when he was given blow job. There were also photos of the girls’ masturbation. After Edison sent his laptop to repair, hundreds of these photos were copied and posted in batches later on. It was the biggest scandal of Hong Kong’s entertainment circle.
A: Do you think Edison Chen’s photos were true?
B: I don’t know. Is that the condom [pointing to Edison’s glans]?
A: I don’t know either. Maybe we should ask her [pointing to the bed unoccupied].
Since she lives with her boyfriend already, she definitely knows.
[A and B laugh together.
The daughter is silent all the way through.
She is just lying on her bed, listening.
The lights go off gradually.
Before it is completely dark, the daughter speaks.]
The daughter: I need to act like a virgin. But I think my roommates knew that I slept with him, although none of them said anything. It was very obvious. Why would anyone not come back to her dorm at night if she does not have anywhere to go?
[The stage goes dark.]
Scene Five: Yet He Left—the Mother’s Failed Marriage
[Twelve years ago outside the Bureau of Civil Affairs,
the mother and the father each
hold a green passport-like license,
their divorce certificate, in their hands.]
The father [guiltily sighs]: I haven’t even taken you out to travel for even once during all these years.
The mother: It is ok.
[The man leaves the stage while the mother turns to the audiences and continues talking.]
The mother: When I married him, I was thinking, maybe one day he will dump me, maybe he will break up with me, but I won’t regret, because I loved. I am too tired to adapt to another man. I am already old. Love makes one getting old. It is too weary.
How could I not be exhausted and hurt? Before my first child was born, I had an abortion when I visited his parents. It is because we were worried the pill I took for my fever earlier might affect the fetus.
I had several more abortions after I got married, because he stopped using condoms. I can understand because we can only get condoms from our work unit. They were amazed by the amount I asked for. I wished I could dig a hole and hide myself. It is too embarrassing. But I don’t like abortion either. I went to the hospital alone for abortion about seven times. I could still remember one of them. It was in the spring festival break. I went to the hospital alone. We don’t have heating. 2 The operation bed was so cold. After the operation was done, I went home by myself. After that, I had contraceptive ring because I did not want to have any more abortion. When I had it removed after my divorce, the doctor said it had already grown into my flesh in the womb.
Although he had a lot of affairs, I didn’t want a divorce. It was not a happy marriage, but it’s better than divorce. It is better for you. It is definitely better to have a father than not to have one.
As to myself, I am traditional. I am not like those women who sleep with one man after another. I truly loved. That is enough.
Scene Six: Yet He Left—the Daughter’s Painful Brake-Up
[The lights fade out and when they are on again, the daughter is standing at the center of the stage.]
The daughter: Our passion faded after half a year. One of his younger schoolmates, who later became his lab mate, kept seducing him. After one year and a half, he cheated. I suspected he stopped loving me long before that happened, because he stopped gazing at me for longer than two seconds and he did not visit my place even once for two month.
After he went skiing with his lab mates, he did not come back to his dorm that night. The next day, he contacted me on MSN and said he thought we were better to be just friends. I asked him why and said I want to meet. He refused. After I logged off, my mind was a complete mess. [The daughter goes to the edge of the stage and huddles herself there.] I went to the stair well, covered my face, and cried. [She covers her face] I don’t know what is going on. We wanted to get married, don’t we? Why do you leave me alone? I am not a virgin anymore and WE DID THIS TOGETHER! It feels like I want to grasp you just because you should be responsible to me. But it is not! I still love you. Don't leave me alone. I could change. Isn’t it you who said there aren’t two people who are naturally perfect match and all relationship needs both party to make effort to work it out?!
After about one hour [she stands up and walks to the center again], I managed to clear my mind and decided that I should come to his university, find him, and talk. I took a taxi and texted him on my way to his university. He rejected my call and my cell phone was about to be out of electricity. I found his labmate who said he left right after he finished his work. So I went to the lobby of his dorm building to wait for him. At least he is coming back to sleep, isn’t him? I think. My cellphone went out of power very soon while I was texting him and trying to persuade him to talk. After my phone was off, all I could do was waiting. It was early January. The lobby was not heated, and even the manager and security of the dorm were sealing themselves to the little glass room in the lobby. I waited for two and a half hours before I realized that he was hiding from me. I should not prevent him from going back to his dorm to sleep, I think. So I left. The same labmate of his, who is also his friend, walked me to the bus station.
The second day, I managed to persuade him to meet in person. I asked him why. He said, “I don’t want to try any more. Don’t you understand?” Are you in love with a new girl? He was very reluctant to talk. His face was twisted. He wanted to escape from me because I was his source of pain. I did not give up. I wanted to know why. Did you sleep with someone? I would not forget his face full of disgust and what he said. He said, “Yes, and she is a virgin. I need to be responsible to her. Are you satisfied now?”
WHAT THE FUCK! Wasn’t I a virgin before we had sex?! You are going to be responsible to her. What about me?! So you are going to be responsible for the latest virginity you took, huh?
I wished I was mean to him back then. But although I pulled out all my strength to keep myself rational and reasonable, I cried. I cried in front of all the other customers in that KFC.
But I did manage to pull myself together and let him go.
I knew he cheated later on because my roommate helped me to set up a trap for me to hear his real intention. I heard him saying to A that he went to movie with another girl last night and he did not want me to know that. His voice sounded cold as ice and rational as a robot. Suddenly, I calmed down. I don’t want to be a fool. I hate lies, although I lied to so many people for us. There are no us anymore.
But I still thought of suicide. I couldn’t imagine how I could keep this secret any longer. My body wanted to drag me back to him so that I could keep my narrative straight. I lied to the world for him, but he betrayed me and left. I feel like when I was hugging him, he stabbed me from behind. I knew I could not and should not be back with him, but I can’t take this all by myself. I considered every possible way of committing suicide. But at the same time, a mean sound spoke to the self-sacrificing me from inside, “What? Committing suicide for someone who does not love you anymore?” If I am rescued back to life, I will have to confront the fact that everyone will be secretly talking about me like I were an idiot. I felt like I was stripped off and shown naked to the public, ashamed because my secret could no longer be kept after my break-up. It was too stupid to kill myself but it was too painful to live. However, I survived.
[The stage goes dark.]
Coda
[The grandma, the mother, and the daughter stand on the stage.
The grandma is standing on the left side of the stage while the daughter is on the right side, leaving the center to the mother.
Lights are turned on.]
The daughter: What if grandpa wasn’t a good guy? Are parents’ advices really so correct?
The grandma: Your grandpa was a good guy.
The daughter: How risky your life is, grandma? What if grandpa was abusive? Isn’t it scary to let others arrange your marriage?
The grandma: I was too young but was lucky to marry him.
The daughter: Luck, luck, luck! But I didn’t know much about relationship when I was 19, even though I was in college.
The mother: I did not think about getting a boyfriend. He came to me.
The daughter: And he left you. He has been the master of your relationship the whole time.
The mother: Yes. But isn’t love supposed to be self-sacrificing? I love him, so I want the best for him. I did all the housework. I had abortion many times. When I saw him visiting other woman, bringing gifts to her, and taking care of her son, do you know how I felt? It is like my heart was being cut by a dull knife. [She begins to sob.] It was too hard.
The daughter [sighs]: Love should not be the excuse for letting yourself being hurt.
The mother: But what can I do? I rejected him. It didn’t work.
The daughter: I understand.
The mother: You know I am chaste. I have been loyal to him. Why did he come to that woman? She brought other men to your father’s condo when your father left! I might have been acting like your father’s mother, elder sister, helper, breadwinner, but. . . .
The daughter: I understand. I cooked for him with you too. And I remember you telling me that there is no good man in the world.
The mother: If he loves you more it might be different. That is why I asked you who loved the other more in your relationship.
The daughter: I thought it was him. I guess virginity does count as a watershed. Or does it? I don’t know. And I don’t understand the sense of belonging to someone that I had. Why is having sex with someone counted as owning someone? And, from my perspective, it was like I was owned by someone. It was not real ownership, but I felt impossible to leave. We were tied together. But obviously he didn’t think the same. It was a loose bound for him.
The mother: I understand. I know how you felt when he broke up with you.
The daughter: You were much more severely hurt. I know. I still remember that day when father and you had a fight for some silly reason that I can’t remember. After that, he left you and headed to another family for a visit by himself. You hit the wall of our balcony with your head while crying. I was so scared. Something collapsed in me as well when I watched you cry.
The mother: I am sorry to have you go through these. I should be able to give you a whole family.
The daughter: It is not your fault. People say that the trauma of childhood will haunt you and affect you forever. Well, maybe some theme does reappear latter on.
My friend who lives next door heard me crying in the midnight. I can’t help. I cried because I thought there was nothing I could do. I wasn’t virgin anymore and my boyfriend was leaving me. If I am asked to recall that cry, I think it was just like your cry. I felt the same. We were hurt.
The mother: But I could not be an innocent victim either. People have been telling me that he did not cherish me because I spoiled him. Maybe it is the case. I don’t know.
The daughter: People do not frame the problem as evidence of what’s wrong out there in the world. 3 They blame victims because they don’t want to believe it could happen to them. 4 They blame you so they could be safe.
The mother: Maybe. And I am not sure whether he loved me or not. I was too afraid to ask this question. If he did love me, why did he do all that to me? If he never loved me, why did he marry me and was very nice and gentle to me sometimes?
The grandma: I think the world changed. There is too much temptation out there. Too many wild women out there.
The daughter: My father told me he loved you, mom. And I believe him in that. But love doesn’t make what he did to you any better. Love doesn’t cover the power imbalance between you two. If love is the panacea, the feminist scholars could stop working.
Shit happens. Everyone has their reason to do stuff in their life. It is not only BAD people who hurt others, the GOOD people hurt others too.
The mother: Yes. He was so nice to others but not me.
The daughter: My ex-boyfriend was not a bad guy either. But I was hurt. You were hurt by my father too. We should not stop blaming ourselves. We have tried hard enough. Now we are moving on. I have a boyfriend who loves me and does not force me to do things I don’t want to. You are alone but in a much better financial status. We survived. We should be proud of ourselves.
The mother: I have to admit I am better without him. [She lowers her voice.] But I still want him back. Seeing him scares me, but those men out there are not any better. I am too old to face another failed relationship.
The grandma: The society is much more tolerant now. I will help you get back with my son. Only your daughter and I will truly help you with this.
The daughter: My dear grandma, although I would love to have a whole family, I definitely want my mother and father to be both happy. Something has to change no matter they will be back or not. And I want you to be happy even though now grandpa could not share happiness with you. Most importantly, I want the happiness of all of us to be compatible. One person’s joy should not lead to some others’ despair. It was despair that I and my mother felt back then. I do not appreciate the bad times of my life because it did not have to happen, but our trauma also made us stronger. Survivors are strong in mind. And we are all, somehow, survivors.
[The daughter stops and looks at her grandma and mother.]
The grandma: I have four children, two sons, and two daughters. My body became heavier and older. I spent a huge part of my life with him. How was it started? My father liked him and he liked me.
The mother: He came to me. He cheated on me many times. I forgave him each time. Now I am hurt and tired. I have an ex-husband and a daughter. I loved. Love is a one-way street. There is no turning back for women.
The daughter: I was too afraid of losing the one I love. It makes me insecure. I tried not to lose myself in the relationship, but I made compromise and my principle was encroached. Love has always been bodily but unequal for men and women. We should be equally entitled to enjoy the pleasure of body. But somehow, my pleasure was always accompanied by guilt and shame.
Love and sex cannot be separated. They have always been both private and public, but I shouldn’t be excluded from those who make such decision of the boundary.
I don’t know how many women, even the so-called bitches, are experiencing this inequality. But these are my stories and my mother’s, my grandmother’s. My scar is healing. It still hurts when I hear similar stories. But I am surviving, loving, and becoming stronger.
Every woman is the woman of all women. 5 Our tear and blood shall never be shed in vain.
The grandma, the mother, and the daughter [together]: We will be better.
[The stage goes dark.]
Footnotes
The author would like to thank Dr. Norman K. Denzin and Dr. Karen C. Flynn for their comments and suggestions to drafts of this article.
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: This research was funded by China Scholarship Council (File No. 2009601027) to Meijiadai Bai.