“I Feel Like I Can’t Avoid Dying”: A Poetic Representation of a Survivor’s Traumatic Experience in the Great East Japan Earthquake

Introduction

Graduation day

Before commencement

Believe I see you again:

But, it never happens

(Shinji Yamazaki ¹ )

This three-line poem written by my student in a first-year college English course in Japan presents his experience in the ninth grade. The story behind this poem is the Great East Japan Earthquake in 2011. Whenever I read this poem, I feel pained, shocked, and a loss for words. His emotional voice hits me so hard. Through this poem, the death of his classmates and farewell to his friends flash through my mind. He must have been excited to move to the next chapter in his life, and he had no way to expect that the massive earthquake was about to occur a couple hours after the graduation ceremony. Nobody could have anticipated such a tremendous disaster, either.

The Great East Japan Earthquake took place in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of the Tohoku region in Japan at 2:46 p.m. on March 11, 2011. This earthquake and resultant tsunami caused a lot of serious damage in the country. According to the Japanese government’s office report (MEXT, 2012), this natural disaster left 15,870 people dead and 2,814 people missing. It also left 129,316 buildings completely, 263,845 partially, and 725,760 damaged (The World Bank, 2012). While these reports show, with statistical evidence, how seriously the earthquake affected the country, the subjective voices of the individuals have been left behind out of the overall earthquake report. For that reason, we know little about what was happening in the devastated area, what problems the victims faced, and how they survived in such a dramatic situation. How did people living in the devastated area cope with this chaotic reality and proceed with their daily lives?

In the current poetic inquiry, I attempt to answer this question by investigating the traumatic experiences of the above-mentioned student, Shinji Yamazaki. He just graduated from junior high school at the time when the Great East Japan Earthquake occurred and was devastated in his hometown where the nuclear power plants were only a few miles away from his house. By listening to his voices and identifying what he actually saw and felt in this massive disaster, this article aims to offer insight into the relatively unexplored issue of how cultural trauma is experienced and constructed by an individual.

Exploring Cultural and Societal Trauma Through Poetic Representation

Poetry presented in this article extends the overall sketch of the Great East Japan Earthquake in 2011 and consists of a poetic rendition of recorded and transcribed oral personal life story of a survivor of the massive earthquake and resultant tsunami. Poetic representation in the current study employs Laurel Richardson’s postmodern-interpretive approach, which “inscribes emotional labor and emotional response as valid, deconstructs the myth of emotional-free social science, and makes a space for partiality, self-reflexivity, tension and difference” (Richardson, 1993, p. 695). One of the values of poetic representation as a research method is to have “a greater likelihood of engaging readers in reflexive analyses of their own interpretive labor, as well as the researcher’s interpretive labor in relation to the speaker’s interpretive labor” (Richardson, 2003, p. 189). Langer and Furman (2004) also assert that the use of poetic representation provides “an example of thick description in that it causes a movement toward truly understanding the respondent instead of just re-stating the conversation” (para. 15). Based on these theoretical arguments, Hanauer (2010) further discusses the value of poetry as a form of arts-based research and mentions that “the actual experience of the art work by the research recipient is the understanding of the phenomenon under investigation without the need for subsequent analysis or explanation” (p. 2). In this way, poetry “shows” and visualizes our human experiences and allows readers to reconstruct and share a specific moment or experience that the poets describe. From this perspective, poetry can be a powerful resource to make invisible evidence visible and unheard voice hearable. Poetry as qualitative data, therefore, has “the capacity to penetrate experience more deeply than prose” (Furman, 2006, p. 561) and great potential to witness someone’s lived experiences and appreciate his or her emotional responses to those memories (Hanauer, 2012, 2014, 2015; Iida, 2016, 2018; Leggo, 2009; Prendergast, 2009, 2013; Richardson, 1994). The current study employs poetic inquiry as a way “to approach knowledge generation, learning and sharing” (Sameshima et al., 2017, p. 16).

Research on massive earthquake experiences in social sciences touches upon the issue of cultural and societal trauma (Dinitto, 2014; Iida, 2016, 2018; Inwood, 2011; Jung, 2009; Ulysee, 2010). Cultural trauma is regarded as a social and collective construct in the same culture (Alexander, 2004; Gailiene, 2019; Sztompka, 2000). For instance, Sztompka (2000) defines cultural trauma as a “culturally interpreted wound to cultural tissue itself” (p. 458). Alexander (2004) also argues that it appears “when members of a collectivity feel they have been subjected to a horrendous event that leaves indelible marks upon their group consciousness, marking their memories forever and changing their future identity in fundamental and irrevocable ways” (p. 1). As discussed in Dinitto (2014), post-Fukushima literature and film in the Great East Japan Earthquake―earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear meltdown―is created by rewriting the individual story of suffering into one collective disaster that constructs collective identity. This perspective is further discussed in the field of applied linguistics. Iida (2016, 2018) investigated his students’ and his own experiences of the Great East Japan Earthquake in 2011 through second language poetry writing. Iida (2016) used poetry writing as a way to explore their experiences in the magnitude 9.0 earthquake, resultant tsunami, and collapse of the nuclear power plants in Fukushima. Through writing poetry, students expressed shock, fright and grief as response to their life-changing moments, but at the same time, the collection of earthquake poetry included the story of solidarity, encouragement, and will. Iida (2018) further examined his experience as response to the Great East Japan Earthquake through a poetic-narrative autoethnography. Poetry regarding his personal experience of living alone in the United States at the time of the massive earthquake and tsunami taking place in Japan presented his potential feelings of survivor guilt and family abandonment. These two studies by Iida illustrate that cultural trauma is experienced and constructed differently by each individual as they respond to difficult situations.

In the current study, constructing this poetic representation was based on recorded, transcribed, and translated personal life story of a Japanese male university student, Shinji Yamazaki who was a ninth grader at the time of the Great East Japan Earthquake and lived with his family in his hometown which was located only a few miles from the nuclear power plants. The interview was conducted in my office on February 9, 2015. Almost four years had passed since he experienced the earthquake. The experience and emotional insights expressed in the poem are with no doubt Shinji’s, but since the interview was conducted in Japanese and the oral script was translated into English by myself, my own interpretation could be incorporated in the text. To avoid misrepresenting his experience, I met him and did member checking in terms of whether his experience was properly presented in the translated text. With the oral transcript, poetry was constructed. The process of creating poems was “reflective, dialogic, and analytical” (Hanauer, 2014, p. 586), which involved the process of organizing the translated oral transcript into several themes, editing unrelated sections, and constructing the graphic presentation of the information.

A Poetic Representation: Shinji Yamazaki’s Stories of the Great East Japan Earthquake

I.

On March 11, 2011,

At 2:46,

In Hamadori-district, ² Fukushima

All of a sudden,

A giant tremor hits me, Toshi ³ , and two other friends

in his house.

Big quake which I cannot stand

Big quake which my friends cannot stand

Big quake which we cannot move

I look outside from a room on the second floor

 Houses are tumbling down,

  Roofs are falling down,

   Electronic poles are breaking down

    Right in front of me . . .

I look outside from a room on the second floor

 Cracks in the ground here and there

   Big houses shifting from one place to another

    Right in front of me . . .

II.

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to run away

I don’t know what is happening

I don’t know anything at all

I’m about to walk toward a shelter

But,

I don’t know where it is

I don’t know how far it is

I don’t know anything at all

Ground cracking and subsidence

No cars,

No transportation,

No way to move

In such a difficult situation,

I ask one of my friends,

“How can we escape?”

“How should we escape?”

“Should we find our family now?”

“Should we wait for them here?”

We have no answer, but four of us thought that

“If we don’t leave here NOW, we will die soon!!”

Our decision for survival is

to walk toward a shelter

But, a dark, cold, long night is about to begin.

No light,

No smartphones,

No clue to escape

NOTHING we can do now . . .

All we can do is just to wait here outside the house

silently and safely

until the sun rises.

III.

Four of us are just standing

in the dark and cold garden outside the house.

Suddenly, a car comes close to us.

Lucky or not, it’s Toshi’s mother’s.

She’s just come home from work.

While I’m so relieved that she is with us,

this fatal situation never changes at all.

No idea where to go

No idea how to evacuate

No idea what is going on

We are all in panic.

My friends and I have no idea what to do

Toshi’s mother looks confused and even stressed

because she would have to take care of three more kids in addition to hers.

“I keep all of you safe,” she talks to us.

“We will sit up all night here, but not in the house,” she continues.

A continuous aftershock has us stay outside all night.

Bring blankets from the house

Make a fire outside

Save our energy

Sitting there till the next morning

“I will be able to go home tomorrow,” I talk to myself

“The situation will change and get better tomorrow,” I persuade myself.

I truly believe so.

But, it is only the beginning of the dark, cold, and hopeless days

IV.

Around six o’clock the next morning,

we wake up outside the house, . . . in the garden

to the sound of siren

“Evacuate if you are within ten kilometers of the nuclear power plants.”

We don’t still see our parents,

but cannot wait for them,

because we must leave here to get out of this dangerous place.

Within ten kilometers . . .

Ten kilometers . . .

I understand I need to leave here right now,

because my hometown, Futaba-machi is

only FIVE kilometers from the nuclear power plants.

“We should escape by ourselves now,” Toshi’s mom says to us.

“Let’s move . . . to the north, Namie-machi!” I reply.

“Wait, but even that town is within ten kilometers,” Toshi speaks in a faint voice.

We are wrapped in a deep sigh,

In the thick atmosphere, she opens her mouth and says,

“Let’s evacuate to my mother’s house in Tsushima.

We will be fine if we move there. . . . the house is in the mountain side of the town,”

We nod to each other with smiley faces.

Finally, we decide where to go and

our long, tough, endless journey has just begun.

V.

On March 14,

It was supposed to be a big day for me

The day was for the announcement of the results of

HIGH SCHOOL ENTRANCE EXAM

While watching TV in Toshi’s grandmother’s house,

I realize that it would be postponed.

I’m a little relieved,

because I don’t have to worry about my school.

But, I must think of my family.

Three days have passed after the earthquake.

I haven’t heard anything from my family.

I wonder if they are okay . . .

What if they died . . .

Very little gasoline,

No public transportation,

No smart phones,

A fatal situation continues.

Nothing but moving around the town to find my family.

 “Have you seen my parents?” I talk to evacuees in one shelter

 “Have you seen my parents?” I ask evacuees in another shelter

Keep moving around,

Visit all shelters in the town

Ask people the same question over and over again,

But, nobody has seen my parents.

Will I ever see my parents again?

What if I cannot?

What if my parents . . .

VI.

Three days after the earthquake,

I am still with Toshi and two other friends.

Their parents show up and

pick them up.

Nothing surprises me,

but I have mixed feelings.

In the next moment,

I become alone here in the shelter.

LONELY, SAD, TIRED

“What should I do?” I talk to myself.

“Nothing . . . , NOTHING I can do for the time being,” I reply to myself.

HOPELESS, DESPAIRING, HEAVY air floating in the shelter

But,

“I must manage to see my parents again.”

“I want to see them again.”

Screaming in my heart

 while holding a little hope

  to be able to see them again.

VII.

How can I live in such a horrible situation?

No stores opened

No cars moving around

No buses to move to a safer place

No gasoline to pump

How can I live in such a horrible situation?

All places within ten kilometers from the nuclear power plants

are barricaded in and

people are not allowed to get in.

How can I live in such a horrible situation?

Radiation leaking from the plants

Invisible radioactive materials flowing to the north and

approaching me

 Stay here? or

  Move somewhere?

Day by day,

Evacuees in this shelter are leaving.

Evacuees in the shelter escape from this isolated place.

I’m absolutely in a solitary state:

 Stay here to die? or

  Move somewhere to be exposed to radiation?

VIII.

One morning,

A familiar car stops in front of me

and then, a man gets out and

runs to me

“Dad!!” I scream and

jump into his arms.

 “How did you find me?”

  “How did you know I was here?”

   “I was afraid that you might be dead . . .”

When I make a smile,

     I notice all the energy comes out of my body.

A MIRACLE happens

five days after the earthquake.

IX.

After I see my father again,

we are heading to the next town

where my family has lived since March 12.

In the car, he tells me,

“We are fine, but our house might be destroyed . . .”

His words are not so surprising at all,

because my house is only THREE kilometers away from the ocean

because I know the Tsunami—FIFTEEN-meter waves—

 destroyed many buildings in my hometown and

  reached the FIVE-HUNDRED-meter point from my house.

My house might be washed away . . .

While imaging the worst situation, I arrive at the shelter.

When I see their faces,

I’m just, just relieved to see

my mom

my 78-year-old grandpa and grandma

my relatives

in the shelter

I’m so glad to see you all.

I’m so happy that you are with me.

I’m so relieved to know that we are all alive!!

X.

I don’t know what is going on with the nuclear power plants

except that it’s a very serious and dangerous situation.

I cannot see radiation

I cannot feel radiation

 but,

  I may be exposed to a large amount of radiation now

  I will be exposed to a large amount of radiation here

   And,

    The countdown to DEATH may have already begun

    The countdown to DEATH will begin here soon

I cannot avoid dying . . .

This may be my fate . . .

XI.

A few days after I know that

radiation has drifted to my evacuation area

We are given a device

to test the level of internal radiation exposure

“It’s too late, what is the point of testing it now!?”

“I’ve already been exposed to radiation!!”

shouting in my heart

While I’m almost giving up my future,

I take the test silently

and . . .

the results seem to be optimistic

LOW RADIATION DOSE

meaning that I’m NOT seriously exposed to radiation

enough to DIE

“I am fine . . .”

“I am okay . . .”

“Okay then, I can manage to survive!!!”

DEATH steps away from me for the time being.

XII.

Sudden announcement:

“This place is still dangerous. Radiation has a negative effect on our health.”

“All of us in this town and this area will have to move out to another prefecture.”

“Get your things and get on the bus immediately.”

It was a sudden event,

Only two days after I finally met my family.

We have no choice but to move out . . .

to move out to a safer place,

to avoid the problem of radiation leaking.

I must be relieved

because I could finally meet my family,

because I don’t have to worry about radiation any longer.

On the other hand,

I cannot become optimistic with consideration to my life.

Unanswerable questions frazzle me.

What should I do now?

What about my school life?

How about my high school?

Where will I go to high school?

Study in a new city? or in my hometown?

How can I start my new life?

Where should I restart my life?

No information, No materials,

I cannot decide my future without any information.

I’m only sitting on a chair

with no energy nor motivation.

My smile completely disappears

Only time passes.

XIII.

I’m wandering in a long and dark tunnel.

I don’t know how to get out of here.

Only a two-week evacuation here

at Saitama Arena

And then, I know

I will be kicked out to another place soon.

This is not a place to relax myself.

This is not a place to think about the future.

This is not a permanent place to live.

Why did my life change so suddenly?

Why has it changed so quickly?

Why do I have to struggle in my life?

XIV.

Student volunteers at Saitama Arena

who look almost the same age as me

 Always smile

 Always cheer us up

 Always work hard for us

Chatting with student volunteers

Listening to their stories about

 school life

 study

 spring vacation

 volunteer work here

While talking and listening to them,

I start to feel . . .

     “I must think positively”

      “I must live passionately”

When talking and listening to them more and more,

I strongly feel . . .

     “I should go back to school and study hard.”

      “I would like to do some volunteer work like them in the future.”

Their existence

 encourages me to stand by myself

  gives me passion to live

   pushes me to walk forward

    makes me smile again

XV.

Go back to Fukushima? or Stay here?

I find several vocational high schools here,

but no electronics program.

This is not what I want in my life.

Go back to Fukushima? or Stay here?

I’ve already been accepted to a vocational high school there

and a good electronics program is offered there.

This is really what I want in my life.

Go back to Fukushima? or Stay here?

Although I go back to Fukushima for my study,

The school is located

within 20 kilometers of the nuclear power plants

It has been designated as

AN EVACUATION ZONE

In such a situation,

where will the school open?

when will classes start?

Go back to Fukushima to pursue my study ALONE? or

Stay here to live with my FAMILY?

Should I leave or stay here?

What should I do?

XVI.

“Go back to Fukushima alone”

That’s my decision.

Apart from my parents

Live by myself

Do everything by myself

Go to school every day alone

This is not an easy decision and

I’m sure that my life there would be

more challenging and tougher than I thought.

But, my mom encourages me and says,

“It’s your life. Do what you like.”

My dad taps my shoulder gently and says,

“You should attend school where you can study electronics”

With my family’s support,

I take a first big step

toward my future.

XVII.

The Earthquake

pushed me down to hell,

robbed me of my happy school days,

changed my life completely,

How many times have I thought of “death”?

On the other hand,

The Earthquake gave me chances

to meet a lot of volunteers

to feel the warmth of those people

to understand the meaning of life

How many times did I think, “I have to survive”?

This tragedy changed me.

This traumatic life event has made me grow up.

This heart-breaking experience has made me who I am today.

I would like to live for

    all the people who supported me

I must live for

    all my friends who passed because of this disaster

Postscript

It may be so unfortunate, but nowadays more and more people all over the world experience and suffer from traumatic events caused by natural disasters. The incident itself may be only for a few moments, but it dramatically changes their lives and trauma caused by such accidents stays longer in their hearts. Very often, social media feature the scale of the disaster and its damage but lose the coverage of victims’ inner voices from such traumatic life experiences (Iida, 2016, 2018). Yet, each person has a story and we can better understand each event through their own individual voice. Shinji’s experience of the Great East Japan Earthquake has not been featured globally, but we learn a lot about this natural disaster through a teenager’s lens. A series of his experiences―from the moment the massive earthquake occurred, the days when death was by his side, to the on-going survival life in shelters where he explored, decided, and took on a new action for his future―present his various emotional insights into this dramatic life: fright at the occurrence of the massive earthquake; panic and difficulty in accepting reality; despair at the future; being bothered by fear of death; threat of radiation exposure; relief at being able to see family again; embarrassment and frustration in his evacuation life; worry about his high school life; gratitude to student volunteers in the shelters; and passion to live strong for the sake of people that could not live. In general, he might often be labeled as a “victim” and seen as a poor boy who was suddenly robbed of his bright future. However, this poetic rendition presents, against those negative impressions constructed by others, Shinji’s emotional shift related to a series of dramatic life events and articulates his dynamic process of changing his perceptions concerning how he wants or needs to live in the future.

His trauma may not completely disappear. Yet, as an earthquake survivor, he accepts the reality and continues to share his life-changing experience with others. This disaster has robbed him of his hometown, great memories, and even friends; on the other hand, through this event, he might gain an opportunity to develop himself and to explore the meaning of life.