Haunted by the Dark Desire

I need a therapy because my identity is haunted by the evil ghost

 the dark shadows of data

  reshape

   my practice

   my self my writing

   change relations

      with world word others

    and myself

to be in the science

   in the social science

      still THE SCIENCE

       as something differed that

            life

         as a specific kind of practice

 I have to believe in data

Even if my fight is full of doubt

      data is the core of our religions

it is the pass card and the demons giving the power

the dark power to be

outside the world

beyond others

without data your voice is weak

your voice in illegal

your practice also

    without data

    you do not have limits

    your dreams become anarchistic

    cannot be seen

    in the point of view real social science

    dreams does not exist

  to become scientist you have to believe in data

  please repeat after me:

  data—give me strength

  data—give my voice authority

  data—give me the seriousness

  data—lead me

  lead me into the academy

    I think, I have to get therapy

    right now

    because it leads me into

    madness

    no, I do not know

    why I am so much

    afraid data

    I do not know

    why I see data

    as one source of inequality and oppression

  I see the death walk with us

  dark ghost of data

  walk through qualitative community infected them by positivist desire

    disease

  I hear whispers:

  Without data

  we are not THE social scientist ¹

  we are not THE researcher

  we are not

  not at all

of course you can be full of doubt

you can see data in different ways ²

but you have to see DATA

you have to desire data

you can debate about data

the more you said than better

it is keeping “vital illusion” ³ vital

   and it is all about

      to keep God alive

data

I find

the dead forms of a former life

that it appears as the reality

and data say to me:

obey—the life is as it is

data

I find

as something has been given

I find

The One Ring

Desire of data

the data

constricted me:

as researcher

as scientist

as a serious researcher

this desire

reanimating

positivist zombies

the academic powers

  drawing the line of distinction

    establishing injustice

I try to work with not data—do not care about science—just seek for being with others, intensity of life, and looking for justice—I do not need data for this—more—I need to perform the exorcism on data to see faces, to be as one of many—what I need is the desire for a better life—not desire for data as hollow—rotten remains—of Truth and Power. Maybe, I try to work this way because as autoethnographer my data is never big, it is soft, so I never become a real, serious scientists.

Yes, I had a dream.

I had big data. And everyone was on their knees. My data was strong—as my voice.

But at the end of this dream, I did not hear others’ voices. I heard only data—and data had become bigger and bigger. And then, finally, all I saw was data—data as myself.

It was a wet academic dream.

I need therapy

to be not a social SCIENTIST

not to draw the line of distinction

but the lines of flight

I need a hammer ⁴

to create not with the data

but with love ⁵

and hope

    my non-inquiry started with anger

    conducted with solidarity

    critical qualitative inquiry

    are based on ethics

    there is not data for utopia

    creations

    emerge from commitment

I need therapy

just as a world needs it

to heal

together

in the horizontal community