Abstract
In this autoethnographic poetry, I express my sense of Ulysses syndrome, reflecting upon the past 12 years since I left my motherland—China. In reading Ahmed’s work, the human “I” is conceptualized as “the stranger,” reminiscent of the foreignness of the past, longing for an imagined life that he would live in. Yet, Kristeva’s pathologizing label of abjection horrifies its own existence of the human “I,” who cannot remember its youth and beauty, becoming an embodied Other. In his dreams, the abject “I” utters flights of poetry at the stranger by asking—how migration can be experienced as anything other than complication with all the mess, tension, and conflict it brings. In bringing the concept of abjection, it problematizes my understanding of be(com)ing the “figure of the stranger,” transforming the humanness that the human “I” represents in its wake.
Where I came from is Becoming a distant memory, I am lost in this foreign place where I am Becoming the embodied Other. I once dreamt big of my own becomingness, Picturing an imagined life in a foreign land. I once believed in being The one, not the other, who had the power to Transform itself in their own right. Now the human “I,” Becoming an abject self, Is a figure of the stranger in the mirror. Its once-owned youth and beauty, Now discarded and yellowed. At night, the human “I”’s inner voices, Are louder than the timeless symphony Produced by digestive gases emitted from his anus.
Mother f*cker, holy sh*t,
What has gone wrong
With my beloved life
In this f*cking land?
Startled by the abject’s voices, The human “I” is woken up again. Those private utterances, Like spells and hexes, Are echoing back and forth in the middle of night. With no one to tell otherwise, All he tells himself is— It is just another dream— Actually, it is the same dream at night.
Footnotes
Acknowledgements
As a teacher-researcher, I need to acknowledge that not all students can succeed because most of the time they get programmed and conditioned for their “own” failure. This is how the educational system operates. When one’s existence does not promote the reputation of an institution, the “rigorous” selection process comes in, kicking out academic underperformers. Ironically, even those “underperformers” were once selected by their own institution.
In this era of “publish or perish,” I sincerely hope that academic scholars can be a bit down-to-earth and try not to take themselves too seriously. I fail to understand the delicate matter of self-promotion in academia. Writing for publication is essentially like a schoolteacher writing a lesson plan: whereas teachers conduct their own classroom research and do not get any incentives, most academics do receive additional fundings to support their “so-called” scholarly work. Needless to say, authored works are a production of peer-review (and often unacknowledged support).
With that being said, I acknowledge that the Australian Government has provided me with the Research Training Program (RTP) Scholarship. I have also been awarded with the Monash Graduate Excellence Scholarship (MGES). When I do not have a PhD, it has been awfully hard to find any academics willing to guide (and collaborate with) me in the co-production of knowledge. Here, I wish to express my gratitude for the unconditional support and guidance of Asst. Prof. Adam Poole who has read my work and encouraged my academic pursuit (when I was the rejected).
Author’s Note
The concept of Ulysses syndrome has been popularized in various fields, including art, film, and literature. Achotegui (2019) describes this “syndrome” as particular moments of extreme migratory grief commonly experienced by immigrants. Such state of feelings is not a mental disorder, but rather the result of complex entanglements of social forces that most immigrants are situated in, not to mention countless adversities in lands away from their loved ones.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
