Shame,Family Honor,and Dating Abuse: Lessons From an Exploratory Study of South Asian Muslims

Abstract

Generally, South Asian Muslim communities reject dating and view it as shameful. Despite this, many South Asian Muslims still engage in dating. These traditional norms, however, remain influential and a part of the cultural context in which dating abuse occurs. This exploratory study examines South Asian Muslims’ perceptions of how cultural norms forbidding dating and constructing it as shameful may affect women’s experiences of dating abuse. Findings indicate these cultural norms may prompt fear of parental and community reactions to dating as well as strong relationship attachment. These then have implications for disclosure, help seeking, and ending abusive relationships.

Keywords

dating abuse family honor shame South Asian Muslim women

Introduction

Defined as “any attempt to control or dominate another person physically, sexually or psychologically, causing some level of harm” (Wekerle & Wolfe, 1999, p. 436), dating abuse is a global social and public health problem (Banyard & Cross, 2008; Foshee et al., 2001). Indeed, Straus (2004) found that 29% of university students worldwide were assaulted by a dating partner. In 2011, in Canada alone, 631 women per 100,000 were abused by a dating partner (Statistics Canada, 2013a, p. 20). Just over half of police-reported incidents of intimate partner violence were among dating partners (Statistics Canada, 2015). Dating abuse is often underreported, which suggests it is even more widespread than the data indicate (DeKeseredy & Kelly, 1993). Such abuse has significant consequences extending beyond immediate physical injuries like bruises and black eyes (Muñoz-Rivas et al., 2006) and include long-term challenges such as substance use, unhealthy dieting, risky sexual behaviors, pregnancy, poorer educational outcomes, and depression or suicide (Ackard et al., 2007; Banyard & Cross, 2008; Silverman et al., 2001).

It is no surprise then that research throughout the past three decades has focused on the “prevalence . . . causes, and consequences” of dating abuse (Levitt & Ware, 2006, p. 1169; for prevalence, see DeKeseredy & Kelly, 1993; Straus, 2004; for causes, see Brown & Messman-Moore, 2010; Foshee et al., 2001; for consequences, see Ackard et al., 2007; Banyard & Cross, 2008; Muñoz-Rivas et al., 2006; Silverman et al., 2001). Less scholarship, however, is dedicated to different cultural, religious, or immigrant generational groups’ experiences of dating abuse. Studies looking at these groups focus on help-seeking behaviors (see Shen, 2011), differences in vulnerability (see Silverman et al., 2007), and strategies for resistance (see Wang & Ho, 2007). How particular groups’ cultural norms affect women’s dating abuse experiences, however, is largely absent. Until recently, even spousal abuse research neglected cultural context (Hassouneh-Phillips, 2001; Kulwicki, 2002).

Given the lack of cultural context in dating abuse scholarship, it is necessary to take lessons from spousal abuse research, which has established the relevance of cultural context. For example, this literature confirms that even defining particular acts as abusive or not is shaped by one’s culture. Research demonstrates that ignoring cultural context in favor of the idea that intimate partner abuse affects all women equally obscures and trivializes some women’s experiences (Sokoloff & Dupont, 2005). Cultural context shapes not only the meaning of behavior but also how individuals experience and respond to it (Bograd, 1999).

Research on abuse acknowledging cultural context, however, must extend to other relationship forms, such as dating (Pinnewala, 2009). Taking heed of this, the current study examines how particular cultural norms may affect South Asian Muslim women’s experiences of dating abuse in heterosexual relationships. Using data from qualitative interviews with first- and second-generation South Asian Muslims living in Canada, this article argues that traditional cultural norms discouraging or forbidding dating and constructing dating as shameful can affect women’s dating abuse experiences. The data demonstrate how the significance of these norms and family honor within many South Asian Muslim communities may cause young women to hesitate to disclose abuse, seek help, and even leave abusive dating relationships.

After briefly reviewing relevant literature and the current study’s methods, the article presents data establishing the continued existence of norms forbidding or discouraging dating and constructing it as shameful within South Asian Muslim communities in Canada. The analysis then turns to the implications of such norms, which fall into the following three themes: (a) fear of parental discovery of dating and dating abuse, (b) fear of community reactions to dating and abusive dating relationships, and (c) strong relationship attachment. For each of these themes, the data analysis highlights the participants’ perceptions of each theme’s potential consequences for abused South Asian Muslim women. The article concludes with a discussion of this study’s implications.

Literature Review

South Asian Muslims in Canada

Dating abuse scholarship largely neglects South Asian Muslims in Canada.¹ This is problematic given that South Asians are the largest visible minority group in Canada, making up one quarter of the visible minority population (Statistics Canada, 2017). In 2016, there were 1.9 million South Asians living in Canada, which is projected to increase to 3.2–4.1 million by 2031 (Statistics Canada, 2010). Although South Asians in Canada are religiously diverse, Islam is the largest religious organization in Canada following Christianity (Statistics Canada, 2013b). In 2006, approximately 35% of non-Christians were Muslim, which is projected to increase to 50% by 2031 (Statistics Canada, 2010).

Being a South Asian Muslim, like other cultural identities, influences life experiences, including dating and dating abuse, in culturally specific ways (Hassouneh-Phillips, 2001). Thus, it is necessary to identify some aspects of being a South Asian Muslim that may impact experiences of dating and dating abuse. Although South Asian Muslims are heterogeneous, there are “some undeniable cultural commonalities” (Dasgupta, 2000; Shankar et al., 2013, p. 248). The remainder of this literature review examines some of these common norms that are particularly relevant to understanding dating abuse.

Family Honor and Collectivism

Family honor reflects a family’s reputation and dignity (Dodd, 1973) or social status (Feldner, 2000) and prestige (Cowburn et al., 2015) within the community. Family honor corresponds to how consistent individuals’ behaviors are with cultural and religious norms and expectations (Dodd, 1973). Individual actions can raise or lower the entire family’s honor; its effects sometimes reach the extended family (Cowburn et al., 2015; Dodd, 1973). Once a family’s honor is lost, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to recover (Dodd, 1973; Harrison & Gill, 2018). Women’s behavior, in particular, has a significant impact on the family’s honor (Ayyub, 2000; Cowburn et al., 2015; Dodd, 1973; Gill & Brah, 2014; Shankar et al., 2013; Siddiqui, 2013; Weiss, 1994). Women are expected to uphold “the family’s religious and cultural integrity” (Dwyer, 2000, p. 478). Their sexuality and virginity or “sexual purity” are of uppermost importance to their family’s honor (Chakraborty, 2010; Gill & Brah, 2014; Haddad et al., 2006; Siddiqui, 2013; Varghese & Jenkins, 2009, p. 236). Norms dictate women must maintain their virginity until marriage and only have intimate relations with their spouse (Cowburn et al., 2015; Shankar et al., 2013).

The collectivistic nature of many Eastern cultures intensifies the significance of family honor. Collectivistic cultures prioritize the good of the family or community above that of the individual (Ayyub, 2000). Individuals are to act in the best interest of the family and the community rather than in their own self-interest (Ayyub, 2000); the expectations of the family and community are prioritized over individual freedom (Huisman, 1996). This collectivism in combination with the gendered nature of family honor means women must prioritize their family’s honor and needs above their own needs and desires. They must consider how their actions will affect their entire family (Abraham, 2001).

Dating and Shame

Given the primacy of women’s sexual purity, it is unsurprising that many South Asian and Muslim cultures strongly discourage or forbid intimate relationships prior to marriage (Abraham, 2001, 2002; Alexander et al., 2006; Chakraborty, 2010; Haddad et al., 2006). Premarital relationships can bring shame to the family (Alexander et al., 2006). Muslim communities, in particular, often consider Western forms of dating as incompatible with Islamic beliefs out of fear it will lead to premarital sex (Kopp, 2002), which is forbidden in Islam. Instead, women should only ever have one relationship, namely, a marital relationship, that they enter as virgins (Abraham, 2001; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996).

Getting caught in a dating relationship or even being accused of dating has serious consequences, especially for young women who are often subjected to dating restrictions (Gopalkrishnan & Babacan, 2007). In some cases, the community labels and stigmatizes these women as “bad girl[s]” (Chakraborty, 2010). Dating or accusations can result in poor arranged marriage opportunities for the young women (Abraham, 2001; Alexander et al., 2006; Dodd, 1973) and other family members (Alexander et al., 2006; Dodd, 1973), accelerated unwanted arranged marriages (Alexander et al., 2006; Chakraborty, 2010), restricted mobility (e.g., removal from school, being escorted outside the home; Chakraborty, 2010), and community ostracism (Khan, 2000) and abuse (verbally and physically; Chakraborty, 2010).

Implications of Family Honor for Spousal Abuse Experiences

Research documents family honor’s implications for women in abusive marital relationships. Leaving an abusive marriage, for instance, risks one’s family honor (Tongsing & Barn, 2017). As a result, many South Asian women, more generally, remain in abusive relationships to avoid shaming their families and risking potential community exclusion (Tongsing, 2016). Seeking help outside the family can also bring dishonor, which affects women’s help-seeking behaviors (Bui, 2003; Huisman, 1996; Tongsing & Barn, 2017). As mentioned above, collectivism enhances the prioritization of family honor as it teaches women to place their needs aside for what is best for the family (Ayyub, 2000; Kapur et al., 2017; Midlarskey et al., 2006; Shankar et al., 2013). As such, abused women often sacrifice their well-being by remaining in the abusive relationship for the good of the family. The importance of family honor and its implications for women in abusive marriages as well as the significance of premarital relationships and their potential to bring shame suggest these issues are worth considering in the context of dating relationships and abuse.

Persistence of Cultural Norms Among the Second Generation

Mainstream Western cultural norms are particularly influential for second-generation immigrants because they are reinforced throughout Western institutions and society (Lalond & Giguère, 2008). Western norms are even beginning to manifest in South Asian cultures through globalization as evident in the creation of South Asian dating/matrimonial websites and increased sexual content seen in Bollywood films (Ghaznavi et al., 2017). It is not shocking, therefore, that some younger-generation South Asian Muslims date and engage in sexual activity. A Canadian study of South Asian postsecondary students supports this by documenting that 95% (19 of 20) of the Muslim participants dated and 40% (eight of 20) had premarital sexual intercourse (Zaidi et al., 2016). Even in India, where norms forbidding dating and premarital sex are even more persistent, rates of premarital sex, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases among unmarried youth are increasing (Abraham, 2001, 2002). This demonstrates that many South Asian Muslims are indeed engaging in dating, which means they can encounter abusive dating partners.

Despite Western influences, cultural norms of shame and family honor often persist even after migration (Abraham, 2005), which this study empirically supports. Indeed, many young South Asian Muslim women living in Western society recognize that dating can have a negative impact on their family’s honor (Zine, 2008). Parents often try to curb these Western influences by pressuring their children to live up to their origin country’s cultural standards (Purkayastha, 2000), which reinforces cultural norms of shame and family honor. Thus, the influence of the family’s origin culture does not disappear even if one engages in discouraged activities, like dating. The continued impact of the family’s origin culture justifies exploring its influence on the actions and behaviors of young South Asian Muslims living in Canada, including within (abusive) dating relationships.

Method

This study uses qualitative data from 11 one-on-one, semi-structured interviews. Upon receiving Research Ethics Board Approval, I recruited participants from a university and college in the Greater Toronto Area. I purposively selected first- and second-generation self-identified South Asian (i.e., with families originating from Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka) Muslim university/college students between the ages of 18 and 25 living in Canada. I aimed for, and achieved, an almost-equal number of men and women participants to represent both points of view. I did not seek out individuals who experienced dating abuse (although one participant disclosed abuse) because the scope of the larger study emphasized perceptions and understandings of dating abuse and related issues rather than on dating abuse itself. For the purposes of this study, I did not want to restrict these understandings to only individuals who experienced dating abuse in the past.

To recruit participants, I used mass emails sent to the entire student body at one university and college, posters placed around campus, and digital advertisements on the university’s online course management platform. Each advertisement contained information regarding participant eligibility (e.g., age, country of origin, and religion) and contact information for volunteering. As an incentive to participate, I held a drawing for a Can$100 gift card following data collection.

The interview schedule included open-ended questions and was more expansive than the data analyzed in this article. It included a variety of topics, such as identities, understandings of Western forms of dating, patriarchy within family structures, perceptions of dating abuse and culturally specific forms of abuse, perceived causes of dating abuse, and potential prevention and intervention efforts within South Asian Muslim communities. The semi-structured nature of the interviews allowed the participants to discuss other relevant issues as they emerged.

The interviews took approximately 1–2 hr and occurred in private offices. I audio recorded the interviews with the participants’ consent. After transcribing the interviews, I analyzed the data using a combination of thematic and simultaneous coding. The first set of codes identified the general overarching themes in the data and the second set identified more specific or underlying themes within the first overarching themes.

Sample

The sample included 11 self-identified South Asian Muslims. Six were women and five were men. The sample were all English-speaking but relatively diverse in terms of country of origin (see Table 1). The participants were both first- and second-generation immigrants. The majority (73%, n = 8) were born outside of Canada with an average age of migration of 8 years old. One participant arrived 2 years prior to the study. The average age of the participants was 20 years. The participants largely described themselves as moderately to quite religious. The majority was religious in a spiritual or guidance sense (i.e., having faith or belief in the religion and following the overarching tenets—for example, believing there is a God or being kind to others), rather than adhering to the specific rules (e.g., praying 5 times a day, not eating pork). A few, however, spoke of Islam as a way of life where they try to follow all the religious expectations.

Table 1.

Country of Origin by Gender.

Country of origin	Sex		Total
Country of origin	Female	Male	Total
Bangladesh	2	0	2
Pakistan	1	3	4
Malaysia/India	1	0	1
East Africa (India)	1	0	1
India	1	2	3
Total	6	5	11

Results

South Asian Muslim Communities’ Perceptions of Dating

This article argues that cultural norms condemning dating and constructing dating as shameful can affect dating abuse experiences. Before providing evidence to support this claim, the article first shows that these norms do, indeed, exist among South Asian Muslims living in Canada. Participants conveyed the persistence of these norms through their discussions of their South Asian Muslim communities’ opinions of dating, their families’ openness to dating, and their own level of dating acceptance.

Participants clearly believe their South Asian Muslim communities condemn Western forms of dating. With the exception of one participant, all stated that their communities, as a whole, reject Western forms of dating.² For many, there was no question that dating is unacceptable. For instance, Adeel³ (a Canadian-born man) said that dating is “not acceptable, plain and simple.” He further added that dating is taboo and unheard of in his community. Hafeez (a man who came to Canada at age 7) echoed this when he said, “dating is taboo . . . dating is not a concept that we consider . . . it’s wrong.” These straightforward statements illustrate that, for some, there is no room for interpretation, their communities condemn dating.

The reasons participants gave to explain this disapproval revolve around what they see as religious and cultural norms. For example, Hafeez stated, “it’s a mix of culture and religion . . . so even like non-Muslim Pakistani people, it’s still wrong for them.” Multiple participants think their South Asian Muslim communities reject dating fearing it will lead to premarital sex. Previous research documents similar concerns (Kopp, 2002). This fear is related to both cultural and religious norms valorizing virginity. For example, Faraz (a man who came to Canada at age 13) said, “’Cause we believe in you got to be virgin before marriage, right? So . . . dating . . . they don’t [approve of it].” Hafeez also spoke of this, conveying that premarital sex is a serious sin:

It’s wrong [dating] . . . because . . . like right now you date, at the end of the date sometimes there’s sex . . . premarital sex is a major sin in Islam . . . it’s one of the biggest things that you can do.

Some participants linked their South Asian Muslim community’s disapproval of dating to its threat to family honor. For example, Javed (a man who came to Canada at age 17) told the story of his mother’s concern for his girlfriend’s family’s honor as well as their own when she discovered their relationship. He said,

Yeah, it’s family honor kind of thing. They’re like, “what? She’s someone’s daughter. You’re my child. What if you’re caught somewhere or where you’re dating and some other guy sees you?”

Not only do the participants think their South Asian Muslim communities strongly discourage dating, but these traditional norms also exist within many of their own families. Five participants described their parents as completely unaccepting of Western forms of dating. Four participants indicated their parents allow them to date or ignore that they date, but they do not encourage or truly accept it. Only two participants said their parents are completely okay with dating.

The continuing effect of these traditional norms is further evidenced by the participants’ own degree of acceptance of Western forms of dating. All of the participants, except two, internalized the norms discouraging dating to some degree. Although the nature of the data prevents identifying meaningful patterns or variations across participant characteristics, they do suggest a trend of more religious participants being less accepting of dating. At the extreme, three participants completely rejected Western forms of dating. Two of the three participants were men, and all were quite religious—religion was a way of life. The majority of participants, however, accepted dating with some limitations (e.g., no casual relationships, no premarital sex). Most of these participants described themselves as somewhat religious—most make their own decisions about what is right and wrong rather than relying solely on religion. Two participants fully accepted Western forms of dating. Both of the participants were men and described themselves as not very religious.

The data show the gendered nature of how these traditional cultural norms apply, particularly regarding premarital sexual activities. The majority of participants, regardless of gender, expressed that South Asian Muslim communities and families respond more harshly to young women’s sexual activities than young men’s. This is consistent with literature establishing the prioritization of women’s sexual purity (Chakraborty, 2010; Dwyer, 2000; Gill & Brah, 2014; Haddad et al., 2006; Siddiqui, 2013; Varghese & Jenkins, 2009) and the stigma women face for failing to live up to these standards (Chakraborty, 2010). For example, Jameela (a Canadian-born woman) indicated that consequences are more harsh “obviously for the daughter . . . [because her] whole modest front that [she] should be carrying kind of just goes away.” Participants shared that daughters’ sexual activities reflect poorly on the family’s name and, as Adil (a man who came to Canada at age 5) said, can “bring down the family . . . because the girl is the gem of the family . . . and supposed to be kept innocent.” Similarly, Faraz explained,

When women do something in terms of like, you know, having sex and getting pregnant, like it brings . . . a lot of shame to the family and a lot of outsiders they speak more when women do it than when men do it.

The lack of extensive approval of dating among the participants, their South Asian Muslim communities, and their families is consistent with literature documenting the common objection to premarital intimate relationships (Abraham, 2001, 2002; Chakraborty, 2010; Haddad et al., 2006) because of the potential for premarital sexual activities (Kopp, 2002) and its potential to dishonor the family (Alexander et al., 2006). The data presented suggest that traditional norms surrounding dating still affect South Asian Muslims living in Canada, which supports earlier research documenting the resilience of cultural norms post-migration (Abraham, 2005). The gendered cultural norms heighten the potential implications for young women, in particular. The increased scrutiny and judgment along with the pressure to remain sexually pure (and the implications of failure to do so) may affect how women experience dating and dating abuse.

Perceptions of Shame and Family Honor’s Effects on Dating Abuse Experiences

The participant interviews suggest that cultural norms discouraging/forbidding dating and constructing it as a source shame and threat to family honor may affect experiences of dating abuse in three ways. First, these cultural norms may prompt fear of negative parental reactions to the discovery of dating relationships. This fear may cause young women to hesitate or refrain from disclosing the abuse and/or seeking help from their parents. Second, these norms can result in severe community reactions to such relationships, which, again, may cause fear of disclosing or seeking help. Third, these traditional norms cause some young South Asian Muslims to develop strong relationship attachments when they do date. According to the participants, these strong attachments can cause young women to stay in abusive relationships longer. The following three sections show how the participants talked about each of the above themes.

Fear of parental discovery

Multiple participants conveyed that young South Asian Muslim women may not disclose to parents or seek help from parents out of fear of their parents’ reaction because they are not allowed to date in the first place. Eight participants talked about the potential consequences of parents finding out about a dating relationship. The consequences included additional restrictions on the girl, beating, getting married off, and being disowned. For example, Rabia (a woman who came to Canada at age 6) said,

If it was a South Asian family, I’m sure that in some cases I heard that the girl has been disowned by the family, the girl has been shut in the house and can’t be out, and you know she’ll get married soon.

Participants also reported parents may have a physical response. For instance, Sadaf (a woman who came to Canada at age 8) stated,

If it [the discovery of a dating relationship] happened to an average South Asian family . . . the girl would probably be beaten and I’m not even kidding, right? Because the dad . . . would be in so much anger.

She further explained that parental discouragement of dating makes daughters fearful of talking to their parents about it.

Daughters could also be subjected to greater parental control in addition to the more immediate punishments. As Adeel stated,

It would change her life forever. She would be restricted more than she already is um and yeah I mean it really depends on the way her parents discipline her. If they’re more the physical side then she would definitely get beat for that. I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

Adeel’s statement along with Shama’s statement below both acknowledge potential variations in parental responses depending on the family. For Adeel, it depends on whether physical punishment is the norm in the family, and for Shama, it depends on the level of conservativeness of the family. Specifically, Shama said,

I mean if the parents are conservative, that’s a big problem like she could be disowned. You never know or she could be married off like right away just to prevent it from happening again.

Not only are there potentially serious consequences if parents discover a(n) (abusive) dating relationship, but participants noted that parents may blame their daughter for the abuse. For instance, Shama explained,

They’d [the parents] definitely put like all responsibility on the girl. “Oh, you should have known better.” You know?

Some participants suggested the severe consequences stem from dating being a source of shame and a threat to the family’s honor. Rabia stated multiple times that disclosing an abusive relationship can cause others to look down on the young woman and this may prevent her from telling her parents about an abusive dating relationship. Shama also stated that the discovery of such a relationship would be “humiliating” because the relationship did not work out. She further explained,

I think like a conservative family would, I think they let the whole dishonor the family thing, I think they let that override the fact that their daughter is suffering as well . . . like I said, they’re kind of more worried about “oh well don’t ruin our reputation” kind of a thing, right?

The data indicate that these fears may prevent South Asian Muslim women from telling their parents about abuse. One participant, Sana, feared her parents so much that she said if she were abused, she would prefer to turn to law enforcement than her parents. She stated,

I’d rather go to the police than my parents. Yeah, I think the police can you know come fix things whereas my parents would make them worse, right? . . . I don’t think I would ever tell . . . ’cause my parents wouldn’t approve. I’m pretty sure if I . . . told them, they’d make things worse.

It is noteworthy that a few participants believe that daughters could turn to their parents and they would be supportive regardless of their disapproval of dating. For example, Javed said, “of course they’ll [the parents] deal with it.” He did say that after dealing with it, however, the parents would likely blame her. Faraz also explained parents would be understanding. He stated that young South Asian Muslim women can go to their parents as a last resort:

Parents are always understanding, like “what happened? Like fine, you dated, first thing, you’re not supposed to be dating and you did and now the guy’s bothering my own daughter so I’m going to take this as it’s my responsibility to see that my daughter is safe . . .”

The data also indicate that young women keeping their relationships secret results in a lack of access to an important source of support—their parents. A few participants explicitly stated this potential issue. As Sadaf explained,

A secret relationship, you have no support from anywhere, right? Like maybe your friends will try to support you, but there is no support as strong as family. . . . I think oftentimes why . . . they have to stay in that relationship is because they don’t have that family support because they know that “oh, I’m gonna get beats when I go home” or something like that if they find out.

Rabia also mentioned the connection between the lack of support and leaving an abusive relationship as well. She said, “it could be harder to leave because they don’t have people to turn to.”

As a whole, the data demonstrate that the participants believe the potential consequences of parents finding out their daughter is dating may be severe. The specific consequences noted by participants are consistent with prior research, which found it can lead to stigma, unwanted arranged marriages, greater supervision, and so forth (Alexander et al., 2006; Chakraborty, 2010). These consequences may be particularly severe for young women because, as previously noted, they encounter increased scrutiny and harsher reactions when they behave inconsistently with cultural norms. Furthermore, the data indicate that young women may be blamed for their victimization because they engaged in a forbidden activity. These potential outcomes are clearly linked to cultural norms forbidding dating and constructing it as a source of shame—if these norms did not exist, parents may not react as harshly to dating or even forbid dating in the first place. That these are possible consequences to the discovery of dating relationships may result in some South Asian Muslim women hesitating or refraining from disclosing dating abuse to their parents and/or seeking their help.

Fear of the South Asian Muslim community’s reaction

All of the participants discussed the significance of the community’s opinion of the family. Some participants specifically explained that South Asian Muslim women may fear the community’s discovery of their dating relationship and, even worse, that it is abusive because it would shame the family. The participants indicated this fear has two potential implications for South Asian Muslim women in abusive dating relationships. First, it may prompt women to keep their abusive relationships secret, which means not disclosing the abuse or seeking help from the community. Second, if the relationship is not a secret, women may stay in abusive relationships longer because they fear ending the relationship will bring shame to themselves and their family.

Some participants’ interviews indicate that women may fear the community’s reaction because dating abuse itself is often considered shameful. This can make it difficult to disclose. Sadaf’s response to being asked why she thinks some girls hide unhealthy relationships demonstrates this. She stated, “obviously, it’s nothing to broadcast. It’s shameful.” Similarly, Adeel reported,

The more embarrassing thing would be being in a relationship just because you’re not supposed to. . . . Like the fact that you’re getting abused is just the “cherry” on top.

Multiple participants think that fear and shame influence to whom women will disclose the abuse. When asked who a South Asian Muslim woman should tell about her abusive relationship, Adeel recommended against her telling family members because it could get out into the community and everyone fears being judged:

We have big mouths and things can spread [to the rest of the community] . . . [Would it bring shame to the family if people found out?] For sure. It would bring shame to both families.

Faraz expressed similar sentiments; he said, “It’ll bring shame to the family. It’ll screw things up.” Faraz also conveyed the importance of being careful who one tells because “they can just spread the word and make it even worse.”

If the community is aware of the dating relationship, there is pressure to remain in that relationship for fear of the community’s reaction to the relationship ending and the shame that would bring. When asked about this, Sadaf responded,

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes that could be the case that people already know; “what are they going to say? What am I going to tell people?” Yeah, it happens. [Is that tied to family honor?] Yeah. “Like why did that engagement break?” People start talking. Maybe there’s something wrong with the girl. It happens.

Faiza (a Canadian-born woman) raised similar concerns about the community’s reaction to a relationship ending when she said, “there’s probably going to be a lot of gossip and speculation.” Shama spoke of this as well and explained that within the family, there is always concern with the community’s opinion of the family. This may cause a young woman to fear how the community may react to the break-up. She stated the family would be thinking, “they broke up the relationship and now you have a past, right?” According to the participants, the community perceives this “past” that is now part of the woman’s history as shameful. Such a “past” has grave implications for future intimate relationships, including marriage.

Eight participants also indicated that the community could or would blame young women for their abuse. The fact that she should not be dating in the first place exacerbates this. As this is a common perception among participants, fear of blame may influence young South Asian Muslim women’s decisions to hide or stay in abusive dating relationships. To illustrate, Adeel stated,

Absolutely, she would be blamed. She would be 100% fully blamed because she put herself in that situation.

Blame is evident when Faiza discussed how the community would question a girl who had been in an abusive relationship. She said community members would ask,

“He was a good guy, what did you do?” Or, “why is this a problem now?” Or, “what did you do to cause this?”

As a whole, the above data demonstrate how the community’s potential reactions and the significance of family honor may affect South Asian Muslim women’s experiences of dating abuse. In particular, fears of the community’s reaction may affect decisions to seek help, disclose the abuse, and/or remain in an abusive relationship. Fearing the community’s reaction and the implications of that reaction for their family’s honor are tied to traditional norms forbidding dating, valorizing virginity, and having only one intimate partner—the spouse. These issues may be particularly acute for young women as the earlier data suggest the community scrutinizes women’s actions more than men’s. The community often holds women to a higher standard with respect to adhering to cultural and religious norms and expectations than men (Dwyer, 2000). The negative discussion of a woman having a “past” in terms of an intimate relationship is also in line with cultural ideals that individuals should only have one relationship, as earlier research demonstrates (Abraham, 2001; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996). Given that South Asian Muslim communities generally disapprove of dating (suggested in the literature and by the participants), it is unsurprising that young women would be hesitant to admit to dating, especially if they have been abused, due to fear of the community’s response. This fear may be heightened by the global rise of social media. Information discovered about a woman’s dating history has the potential to be shared online where community members can see it and spread quickly, including across borders (for a discussion of family honor and social media, see Waltorp, 2015).

Strong attachment to relationships

Some participants believe that South Asian Muslims, in particular, form strong attachments to dating relationships. The shame associated with multiple relationships (Alexander et al., 2006) along with expectations of having only one intimate partner—a spouse (Abraham, 2001; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996)—encourage young women to remain in their current relationship. Five participants spoke of this relationship attachment, its connection to family honor and shame, and its implications for ending abusive dating relationships. Adeel’s following statement suggests South Asian Muslims form especially strong relationship attachments: “Our relationships are really different in the fact that they’re really committed to each other.” Shama confirmed this as well when she said,

I actually think breaking up would be harder . . . I think South Asians are much more attached in every relationship . . . I guess they just have the perspective of like putting it in for the long haul. [Because] their families’ reaction to knowing that . . . they broke up the relationship and now you have a past, right, that you have to deal with. [Would it pressure them to stay in a relationship?] Yeah, I think so just because of pressure from family and it’s more humiliating, I think, if a relationship doesn’t work out. [Is that tied to family honor?] Yeah, I think so because I think like South Asian like couples they kind of take a risk . . . ’cause I mean like I guess parents are expecting more of an arranged marriage. So, then when their kids do get into a love marriage, you know, it’s almost like “oh, we have to prove ourselves now right to our parents.”

Similarly, Sana said,

As a brown Muslim girl, I’ve been taught to just be in a relationship and just stick with that one person for the rest of my life, whereas when you’re white, you know, you try out guys to see which one works for you.

Shama’s and Sana’s statements along with those from other participants suggest that the strong attachment in a South Asian Muslim relationship stems from the significance of having a relationship to begin with and the potential negative consequences of ending that relationship.

Another participant, Faiza, implicated this strong relationship attachment in why she stayed in her unhealthy relationship as long as she did. Her statement below also illustrates how participants think a relationship being sexual heightens this attachment. She stated,

I think it’s why . . . after being with my first boyfriend, I really was so devastated by the fact that I like I slept with him and “oh my god now I didn’t marry him and now my life is over” and I took it in so much although I was born here . . . it is of course not okay in my religion and there is the culture, it’s not okay there, but I think the reason why it was so much heavier consequence for myself was because I internalized a lot of those Indian perceptions.

The significance of women’s sexual purity and virginity may intensify the attachment to a sexual relationship for young women in particular. Adeel spoke to this. When asked whether the sexual intimacy makes young women more likely to stay in the relationship, he said,

Absolutely, ’cause, especially for the girl, they’ve given up something like extremely, extremely, extremely valuable to them . . . if a girl gave that up to a guy like she would be thinking about marrying him.

Rabia connected the significance of sexual intimacy for women to culture and religion when she said,

If it was her [a South Asian girl’s] first sexually intimate relationship, they would try to keep themselves attached you know, “I can’t let you go because . . . we were supposed to get married” type of a thing . . . culture and religion may play a huge part in it.

The data presented here suggest that norms discouraging dating and constructing it as a source of shame and a threat to family honor can pressure young women, in particular, to only have one relationship, as is the general cultural expectation (Abraham, 2001; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996). This pressure not only stems from the fear of parental and community reactions, but also the internalization of the traditional norms. The data show that young women often internalize the norms valorizing sexual purity and virginity. This, in combination with the shame associated with having multiple dating partners, can cause women to become strongly attached to their relationships and potentially stay in abusive relationships longer.

Conclusion and Implications

This study’s purpose is to establish the relevance of the cultural context in which dating abuse occurs. This article argues that traditional norms forbidding or discouraging dating and constructing dating as shameful have implications for dating abuse experiences. Supporting this argument, qualitative data first establish that these traditional norms do exist and are relevant within some South Asian Muslim communities in Canada, which supports existing research (Abraham, 2005; Zine, 2008). Next, the data analysis demonstrates how participants believe these norms prompt (a) fear of parental discovery of dating relationships, (b) fear of negative community reactions to dating and dating abuse, and (c) strong relationship attachment. As the Results sections note, the ways participants discussed these issues are largely consistent with existing literature on the potential consequences of getting caught dating and the significance of intimate relationships for South Asian Muslims. Finally, this article highlights how participants identify these issues as potential barriers to disclosing, seeking help, and ending an abusive relationship.

It is important to note that these barriers are not unique to South Asian Muslims. These issues likely exist within other cultures with similar norms and expectations surrounding dating and sexual intimacy, especially those which prioritize family honor and are collectivistic in nature. This article is not intended to be a judgment of these norms, but rather an attempt to recognize their potential implications for experiences of dating abuse. Doing so allows for a better understanding of dating abuse and more appropriate responses to it. As Sokoloff and Laughon (2005) point out, “ignoring the specificity of violence ignores the experiences of both women and communities and fails to provide adequate tools for combating violence” (p. 115). These findings underscore how crucial it is to acknowledge different women’s experiences of dating abuse and necessitate bringing cultural context into the conversation. Taking heed of this, this article concludes with brief recommendations for service providers, educators, and researchers.

All intervention efforts must strive to ensure young women’s privacy. The findings demonstrate that there can be severe consequences for parental and community discovery of dating relationships. Service providers need to be aware of these potential consequences and act accordingly to build trust with South Asian Muslim women, in particular. Young women need to know their privacy will be protected if they risk seeking help from formal sources of support. The data suggest that formal sources of support may be particularly important to women in these communities because of the hesitation and resistance to approaching informal sources of support, such as parents. Service providers and educators should also be aware of the implications of encouraging seeking out informal sources of support. Seeking informal support may not be a viable option for all young women in these cultural contexts. Service providers, specifically, need to assess the particular situation prior to making such suggestions.

Service providers as well as educators raising awareness about dating abuse also need to be aware of (sometimes internalized) norms that can cause women to hesitate ending an abusive relationship. They need to be informed as to the significance such relationships can have for women from communities prioritizing having only one intimate relationship. Service providers should not pressure women to leave these relationships too soon. It is also unreasonable and unrealistic for educators to present a zero-tolerance-type response for women in these cultural contexts. Service providers and educators need to understand what these relationships mean to young women in these cultural contexts, especially when there has been sexual intimacy.

It is also worthwhile to develop strategies to counteract the internalization of victim-blaming given the participants’ discussions of such blame, perhaps through education and awareness campaigns. Moreover, research like the current study should inform campaigns directed toward South Asian Muslim communities and parents. Awareness of young women’s fears regarding familial and community reactions and the potential for dishonoring the family and the implications of these fears may spark a conversation to develop strategies for fostering trust between young women, their parents, and their community. As a whole, the findings suggest the importance of developing awareness campaigns and advice that are culturally appropriate.

To conclude, this study clearly demonstrates the need for more research acknowledging the cultural context in which dating abuse occurs. Prioritizing a mainstream Western perspective in this area runs the risk of overlooking significant barriers to disclosure, help seeking, and escape, such as those uncovered by this study. More research needs to specifically examine how different cultural contexts (or aspects of particular cultures) shape survivors’ experiences with and responses to dating abuse.

Footnotes

Acknowledgements

The author is grateful for the guidance of Dr. Shahid Alvi, Dr. Nawal Ammar, Dr. Arshia Zaidi, and the anonymous reviewers.

Author’s Note

Some of the ideas in this article were originally presented as part of the author’s Master of Arts thesis at the University of Ontario Institute of Technology and at CERIS – the Ontario Metropolis Centre Graduate Student Conference in 2011.

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

ORCID iD

Amanda Couture-Carron

Notes

Author Biography

Amanda Couture-Carron has a PhD in Sociology from the University of Toronto. Her research focuses on the experiences of vulnerable and marginalized populations with crime, violence against women, and access to justice. She pays particular attention to the social and structural contexts conditioning those experiences among young people as well as immigrant and racialized women.

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