Abstract
Phyllis Fagell offers advice to a principal who wants to know how to deal with parents who attack him and his staff. Another principal is frustrated that parents go to district leaders with all their problems and concerns. A third principal wants help coaching an otherwise good teacher who is too rigid and inflexible with students.
I’m a principal, and there are two or three parents who attack me or my staff regularly, often on email. They threaten to call the police, sue us, beat us up by the flagpole (kidding, kind of), etc. We’ve had countless face-to-face meetings with them, I’ve engaged my boss, tried to get help from central office…to no avail. They are certain we are incompetent. How do I move forward when everything I say is deemed wrong? Should we meet by the flagpole and sort it out the old-fashioned way?
Most schools have a few of “those” parents — the ones who can’t be satisfied. They love you or hate you depending on which way the wind is blowing. Since most people are reasonable, they tend to stand out. Yours seem particularly fun. They threaten to call the police? You worry (even a little) about being physically harmed? Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised. When I looked up how often that happens, I immediately stumbled upon a recent article about a mother in Florida. She attacked her daughter’s 2nd-grade teacher, jabbing her in the neck with her elbow until the teacher passed out. Crazy stuff does happen, so I want to be clear that I’m addressing non-physical belligerence. If you or your staff gets shoved or punched (or elbowed in the neck!), please call the police.
Back to those emails. On the surface, these parents may be criticizing your staff, threatening lawsuits, or complaining about a decision you made, but it’s important to peel back the layers and try to discern whether there’s something else motivating their behavior, some deeper need that they’re trying to address through these exchanges. What do I mean by that? People often lash out when they’re feeling a sense of powerlessness in other areas of their life, and they’re generally unaware that they’re misplacing their anger as a coping mechanism. Even if they lose their battles with you, they’ve won your attention. Unfortunately, some people think they need to be jerks to be heard. This is exhausting and demoralizing for everyone, and it’s hard not to take poor treatment personally. But if their end goal is to feel heard and validated, then I’d look for ways to give them that without being dragged into a power struggle.
In a peaceful moment, initiate a conversation. Tell them you’re all there to focus on and support their child. Tell them that you want them to feel heard. Let them air their grievances and then validate their feelings. Ask them how they think you could set a different tone. What do they think would make your meetings more collaborative and productive? Proactively share positive news with them. I’d understand if you wanted to retreat, but that’s likely to backfire. It all goes back to meeting their unstated need. A small amount of preventive legwork could go a long way.
Conversely, when they go into attack mode, calmly remind them that you’re there to focus on their child. If they tell you you’re incompetent, tell them you’re sorry they feel that way. Don’t take the bait. You’re never going to resolve anything with someone angry enough to call the police. As principal, I’d prioritize protecting your staff. Take the brunt of the abuse. Attend their parent-teacher meetings to avoid ”he said, she said” situations. State clearly that you won’t tolerate any abuse of your employees, and terminate meetings that get out of hand. Be authentic with your teachers, too. It’s OK to tell them privately that you know these parents are difficult, you’re trying to improve the situation, and you appreciate their efforts. Your teachers need to be heard, too. They’ll be less likely to internalize the attacks if they know you have their back.
Your instinct to get off email and talk in person was a good one, even if it didn’t have the desired effect. I also understand why you asked for backup support from central office supervisors when the conflicts continued to escalate. It’s unclear, however, what your supervisors did in response. They had several options, ranging from sending someone from the district to act as a mediator during meetings, to requiring that the parents be escorted by security, to outright banning them from school premises. It sounds like perhaps they didn’t do much for you. It’s possible you’re not effectively communicating your frustration. You may need to be clearer about what you expect them to do. You could try asking for an in-person meeting with a community superintendent or seeking advice from a consulting principal. If you have an administrators’ union, you could solicit their advice, too.
You’re never going to change people like this. Some people enjoy throwing a grenade into every conversation. Be consistent and even, and never cave when they’re nasty. On the flip side, if they’re respectful and reasonable, try to be accommodating. Over time, you may be able to get them back on track.
Principal upset that parents escalate complaints above him
I’m a reasonable person and a responsive principal. I say no to parents when I need to, but I’m always happy to consider their point of view. I try to help when I can. I’m willing to meet in person, and I almost always respond to every email within 24 hours. I know I have a reputation for being approachable. So why is it that every year there are increasing numbers of parents who skip the step of talking to me when they’re upset, and go straight to a secondary school director or community superintendent? My supervisors are starting to wonder why they’re getting contacted with so many complaints that should be handled at the school level. To my knowledge, they bump most of them back to me, but it’s clear they’re irritated. They have their own work to do. This isn’t good for my relationship with my bosses or with my parent community. I want to “retrain” parents to talk to me first. Skipping the step of consulting with me is unproductive, underhanded, and unfair. How can I change this dynamic so I have a chance to address problems before they’re escalated up?
This is an issue at every level of an organization. Parents may skip talking to teachers and go straight to the head of a teacher’s department or even to you. Some people are retaliatory or agitated, and others simply think it’s more efficient to start at the top. Plenty of parents have no particular agenda; they just don’t know the proper communication channels. So let’s broaden this beyond your role and include all staff. As a bonus, you’ll also be bombarded with fewer misdirected concerns.
Do you have a handbook? Does it include a communication organization chart? If not, add that information. For example, if parents have concerns about their child’s allergies, spell out whether they should talk to the nurse or the cafeteria manager. If their child is struggling to make friends, make it clear that the counselor could be a good resource. If they think there’s too much math homework, point them to the teacher first. Indicate that if they’re unsatisfied with that interaction, then it might be appropriate to contact the head of the department. If they still are dissatisfied, they could talk to the administrator who oversees the math department. As the principal, you should be the last point of contact. Spell all of this out. Be a role model and make sure you’re abiding by these rules. If a parent complains to you about a teacher, instruct them to start with that individual. And remind your supervisors to always send school-based complaints back to you.
At the beginning of the school year, you could send home a blurb about communication in a parent newsletter, with a title like, ”If you have concerns about…” You could even record a video to send home. Talk about everyone’s role, from the paraeducator to the principal. Clarify what’s in your wheelhouse. For example, you might share that the school calendar, standardized testing, and decisions about snow days are beyond your reach, but you’re happy to field concerns about bullying, substitute teachers, or field trip policies. Reiterate the message at back-to-school nights, and plan a specific parent education night to cover this topic. Extend a personal invitation to known troublemakers or people most likely to cause you stress. You could say something like, “Sally, I want to personally invite you to a parent education event that I think you’ll find interesting. I’ll be covering a number of situations I know you’ve been asking about lately, and I hope to see you there.” Whatever training method you use, always refer to the parent handbook and formal school policies. Don’t be afraid to demand direct communication. Be clear that misdirected complaints are inefficient and will end up back in your hands. Also, don’t assume parents have it in for you. They might genuinely think they’re helping you by going above your head. If they know you’re struggling with an underperforming teacher, for example, they might think that there’s power in numbers and they’re getting you extra support. You might even have the same agenda, whether it’s a desire for reduced class sizes or a new air-conditioning system.
In the age of social media, keep in mind that parents are able to exchange information quickly and rile each other up. If one parent urges all her friends to write the superintendent about a particular issue, there could be a sudden uptick in escalated complaints. When this happens, try to circle back to the complainers personally. Ask ”How could I have done this differently? Is there a reason you felt a need to start with my supervisor?” Keep your tone neutral and curious. Your bosses may be able to offer some good insights, too. Ask them what they’re hearing and if they think you need to improve your interpersonal skills. You might be less approachable than you think, or have a reputation for being indecisive or unresponsive. Check yourself and be open to any critical feedback.
There’ll always be people who shoot for the top, especially if you’re not giving them what they want or they’re accustomed to power and authority in their work lives. That’s to be expected. But with good messaging, you can retrain parents and improve communication for everyone.
Principal frustrated by rigid teacher’s lack of empathy
I’m a principal at a large public high school in Wisconsin. As principal, I know some teachers will need more hand-holding than others, but one of my 9th-grade science teachers is really giving me a run for the money. She’s actually a competent teacher. Her students leave her class with a solid knowledge base, she meets all deadlines, she’s reliable, and she has no issues with classroom management. And yet parents are constantly calling me with complaints. I always tell my staff that students won’t care what you know until they know that you care. This teacher is like a robot. She’s rigid and inflexible when kids encounter hardships. She’ll only relent if she has to adhere to a school policy, such as with concussions. But that’s it. This isn’t about lazy, procrastinating students approaching her for extensions; these are kids who’ve encountered serious family or personal emergencies. She interacts with them with no warmth or understanding. Which is where I come in. Parents tend to hit the same brick wall as their children and then ask me to intervene. But this teacher doesn’t care about pleasing me, either, and she’ll stare at me coldly, too. I know exactly how the kids feel! She either doesn’t get it or doesn’t care. How can I teach her to at least fake normal human interactions?
I would focus on skill-building as opposed to trying to change her temperament or personality. This is a detail-oriented person who needs a lot of scaffolding, rules, and specific strategies. I understand your instinct to appeal to her empathy for students facing a hardship, but that hasn’t worked. It’s time to try something different.
I’m going to share a student example that I think has applicability. I recently spoke to Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist at New York University. Her research focuses on teaching adolescents how to identify and solidify meaningful relationships. To do this, she goes into English classrooms and partners with teachers to train kids how to conduct interviews. Students believe they’re learning how to collect information like an anthropologist or journalist, but that’s not Way’s true goal. She wants to show teens how to make human connections. The kids conduct a series of interviews with a teacher, administrator, or parent, asking questions such as “What do you fear most in life and why?” and ”What was your most meaningful friendship?”
People tend to think of empathy when they think about social-emotional skills, but Way has discovered that curiosity might be an even more fundamental part of good relationships. Her project teaches kids how to be good listeners and pay attention to an interview subject’s story. At the same time, the student learns to listen to their own internal voice and to identify relevant follow-up questions. Way told me that it’s much easier to teach kids interviewing skills than her doctoral students, because kids have an easier time tapping into their natural instincts.
So what does this mean for your teacher? Instead of trying to convince her to care, teach her how to have a conversation with kids. Even if students don’t get their way, they’ll be less frustrated if they feel heard. She may even react differently if there’s a different flow to the conversation. Teach her interviewing and listening skills. For example, she can try asking five follow-up questions directly related to whatever the child has said before she settles on a verdict. Explain that active listening means she’s focused and making eye contact with her body turned toward the child. Nothing she asks should be a binary “yes or no” question. She should maintain a neutral expression and conceal any judgment or contempt. Once she stops asking questions, she should reflect back what she’s heard. She doesn’t need to buy into the kid’s argument to summarize it. The goal is to get her to the point where she actually listens to the child before shutting him or her down.
You can role-play the interaction with the teacher. Play the part of the student, and then flip positions. Give feedback on areas of improvement. Also, keep in mind that when you’re trying to change behavior, it can backfire if you try to do too much at once. I would stick to this one technique for several weeks and observe her interactions with students. When you talk to parents, invite her to join you so you can model a different way of interacting with others. She may lack skills, or empathy, or be struggling with something in her own life, but she does like rules. If you make this about your expectations and focus on skill-building, you’ll be more likely to set her up for success.
Footnotes
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