Abstract
Phyllis L. Fagell gives workplace advice to educators in this monthly column. This month, a teacher suspects a teacher may be having an inappropriate relationship with a student but isn’t sure whether to contact Child Protective Services. A teacher who grabbed a student’s wrist in a moment of conflict is worried about the consequences and tempted to lie about it. And an out-of-work teacher is hesitant about accepting a job at a school where the principal doesn’t have children.
Keywords
I’m a high school teacher who suspects that the head of our theater department is having an inappropriate relationship with a 9th grader. At the very minimum, I think he’s grooming her. I teach the girl, but I’m still getting to know her, and this has nothing to do with anything she shared with me directly. In fact, my alarm bells went off when I overheard a conversation between two of her classmates. They were talking about how he texts her all the time — even on weekends — just to see how she’s doing, and they were amazed that he bought her a dress for a school dance. They didn’t seem worried. More like jealous, actually. This is a girl whose family struggles financially and who comes across as emotionally needy. Acting is her “thing,” and I think this man may have recognized her as an easy target. This is the little I know. I don’t have any proof that this has progressed beyond the texts and the gift, but still…
Anyway, I went to talk to my principal about this and she brushed me off. She said I’m reading too much into it and I could ruin the man’s career if I call Child Protective Services over a few texts and a dress. As she sees it, the theater head knows this student’s family is struggling financially, and he’s likely a good person who’s just looking to help a kid who’s hurting. I recently completed my district’s updated training, so I know I’m a mandated reporter and don’t need her permission to call CPS — she could even get in trouble if she doesn’t let me report — but I don’t want to jeopardize my position at the school or my (pretty good) relationship with her. I’m also worried about the damage I could do if I’m wrong and he really is just a well-meaning guy who, in my opinion, is overstepping. This seems like a gray area, even for a mandated reporter. I also know I’m not supposed to “interview” the girl myself. The police and child welfare workers who trained us told us they know how to conduct an investigation sensitively and that teachers can jeopardize a case if they do their own interrogation. I don’t, therefore, intend to talk to her or even to her friends. And I do NOT want to talk to the head of the theater department. Where does this leave me?
I understand why you’re hesitant to report, but I’m struck by the first sentence of your question. You write, “I’m a high school teacher who suspects that the head of our theater department is having an inappropriate relationship with a 9th grader.” You’re a mandatory reporter, as you know, and typically teachers must make a report when they suspect or have reason to believe that a child has been abused or neglected. You don’t have the burden of proof. The proper authorities would conduct an investigation if they determine that one is warranted.
You don’t share where you work, but your state may not even require you to notify your principal before calling authorities, and many states prohibit employers from retaliating against employees who make that call. I’d review your school’s policy and state statutes. You also could call your school’s attorney for guidance. It’s possible your principal is violating district rules. Beyond your status as a mandated reporter, you have a moral obligation to protect your students. You could potentially prevent abuse and spare this child (and any other kids this teacher targets) lasting trauma. If your hunch is right, you may be the only adult who notices that something is awry. And if he’s already abusing her, she could start meeting with a mental health counselor right away.
The last line of your question is pretty broad. I do want to point out that your ability to help this student isn’t limited to calling Child Protective Services. You’ve noticed that she’s emotionally vulnerable and that her family is struggling. If you create a safety net, she may be less of a target. Get to know her and build a relationship. Invite her to lunch and check in with her frequently. Be a warm and caring presence in her life, and explicitly tell her you’re there for her. If she does start to confide in you about the relationship, I’d be up-front with her about the limits to confidentiality. At the same time, tell her you’re glad she came to you for help and you’ll do whatever you can to support her.
Teacher is accused of grabbing a student. Should she lie?
I’m a middle school teacher, and one of my students is always looking to get a rise out of me. Nate (not his real name) will yell out in the middle of my lesson that someone “needs a diaper change” because it smells in the classroom or ask me to repeat something about 20 times in a row when I know he heard me the first or second time. Last week, he wanted to borrow my stapler, and I told him to wait because I was clearly in the middle of using it. He started to grab it anyway, so I instinctively grabbed his wrist and told him to put it down. He yelled “Owwww” really loudly, then said, “Let go of me, you’re KILLING me.” OK, let’s be real. I’m a small woman, I’m not that strong, and I wasn’t that rough. I will admit to you, though, that I gave his wrist a good squeeze. I only wanted him to let go of the stapler. I thought that was the end of it, but then the next day my principal stopped me in the hall to tell me Nate had gone home and complained to his parents that I hurt him. They then called the principal all ticked off and demanded that he formally reprimand me. The principal told me all of this over email and asked me to meet with him. I’m not yet sure what I’m going to say, to be honest. I don’t want to lose my job over something so stupid, so I’m tempted to just say he’s lying. I mean, he IS exaggerating a ton. He has a bad reputation and is known for being provocative, too. I think that downplaying the incident might be my best course of action, but I want your unbiased opinion. What’s your advice for me?
My advice is to be honest about what happened, express remorse, and apologize to your student. I understand your temptation to downplay what happened, but it’s best to come clean and make amends. There are ethical, interpersonal, and practical reasons to tell the truth. Let’s start with the ethical and interpersonal. I’m assuming you want to set a positive example, and good people take responsibility for their mistakes. Lying will damage your relationship with your student and his parents and possibly with your principal as well. The truth has a way of coming out, and you’ll lose your principal’s trust along with your credibility if he gets a gut sense that you’re hiding something from him. Your other students will take note of your lack of accountability, too.
Now let’s turn to the practical. Nate yelped in pain in front of witnesses. What if someone (or several students) corroborate his story? What if the interaction was taped? What if he develops a bruise where you squeezed him? Your school is going to need to call Child Protective Services, and they’ll investigate if squeezing his wrist left a mark. Even if CPS doesn’t get involved, your compliance unit will investigate the situation. They may do their own investigation or instruct your school to conduct one. You would be lying because you fear the consequences, but the consequences could be worse if your dishonesty is exposed.
Let’s talk about the possible consequences. I consulted with a compliance specialist, and she also advises you to tell the truth and do what you can to remedy the situation. If this is a first offense, she suspects your district would send you a memo that reminds you to not put your hands on children. You also might be given information about available resources relating to classroom management, instructional strategies, or counseling. If the same thing happened again, you’d likely get a formal reprimand with a directive to never put your hands on kids — even casually — because there’s too much risk your actions could be misinterpreted or things could go wrong. You might even get a second reprimand before your system decided to fire you. In other words, there’s little risk you’d be fired or even formally reprimanded for a first offense of this nature. Honesty is the best policy, in general, but in this case it’s also likely to yield the best outcome for you. So my advice is to admit what happened, learn from it, and do better going forward.
Should teacher decline job because the principal isn’t a parent?
I just got a job offer after being home with my kids for several years. It’s a long-term sub position for now, but I was told the school will guarantee me a full-time teaching position for next year, which is what I want. Anyway, I got into a big fight with my husband when I told him I plan to turn the job down. He thinks my reason is stupid. I don’t want to work for a principal who doesn’t have kids. Going back to work is going to be hard enough for me, and I want to work for someone who will be empathetic and understanding. I don’t think a principal who doesn’t have children of their own could relate to the challenges facing a working mother. Plus, I don’t think they could solve problems involving students or relate to families nearly as well as a principal who has kids. So, I’m afraid I’m not going to have much respect for them as a leader.
My husband pretty much flipped out on me because it’s taken me a long time (OK, a very long time) to get this job, and we could really use the money, like, yesterday. He thinks I’m looking for any excuse not to go back to work, but I swear that’s not it! Yes, it will be hard to get back in the swing of things, but I’m ready to get back into teaching. I do want to make sure I choose the right job, though, and I think the principal I work for is going to matter a lot. Can you help us settle this debate? Do you think a principal who isn’t a parent can be as good at their job as one who is? Am I being unreasonable? Do you think I should take the job anyway?
I’ll start by answering the broader question. You ask whether a principal who doesn’t have kids can be as effective as one who is a parent. My short answer is an unequivocal “yes.” Everyone brings different life, work, and educational experiences to the table, as well as different personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses.
Here’s an example. Let’s say Principal A isn’t a parent but has worked with thousands of children as a teacher, coach, and administrator. Principal B, on the other hand, is a brand-new principal who happens to have a newborn. Is Principal B automatically going to be a better administrator simply because they’ve been a parent for a couple months? Or let’s say the school is in a community where the majority of families speak Spanish at home. The principal who has children, but only speaks English, probably isn’t going to be a better fit than the Spanish-speaking principal who doesn’t have kids.
Remember, too, that principals don’t learn the bulk of their skills at home. Their experiences with their own children might help them connect with some parents some of the time and might inform some of their decisions, but every student is going to have different needs. If a principal’s own kids don’t have learning issues, for instance, then parenting isn’t going to help them guide families through the special education identification process.
You also mention that you think principals without kids are going to have a harder time empathizing with working parents. I’m going to challenge you on this point, too. We’re now wading into the realm of soft skills. A principal who is a parent can have a great deal of — or very little — emotional intelligence, and the same is true for a principal who isn’t a parent.
Which brings me to your question of whether you should work for this particular principal and accept this particular job. Rather than make assumptions, start asking questions. You already have the offer, so zero in in on your specific concerns. Are you wondering about the leave policy? Or what happens if your kids are sick? Are you worried you’ll be asked to coach a team or attend events when you don’t have childcare? As you ask more targeted questions, I bet you’ll start to get a feel for the principal’s overall attitude and philosophy.
It’s normal to have anxiety about returning to work. It’s undoubtedly going to be a big change. Consider taking some of the pressure off yourself. Yes, the school has promised you a full-time job down the road, but you don’t have to take it. At the moment, you only have to commit to teaching for the remainder of this school year. That would give you time to determine whether it’s a good fit. In the meantime, you’d bring in extra income and ease the financial pressure that both you and your husband are feeling.
Footnotes
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