One Size Doesn’t Fit All: Dating Abuse Against Women From the Perspective of South Asian Muslim Youth in Canada

Abstract

Despite the growing recognition of intersectionality in the field of domestic abuse, scholarship on dating abuse is still limited by its lack of attention to cultural context. To begin to address this gap, this article presents findings from an exploratory qualitative study of 11 South Asian Muslims’ perceptions of behaviors/actions in dating relationships that they identify as being potentially experienced and/or understood differently by South Asian Muslim women. In particular, the participants identify (a) exposure to parents/community, (b) behaviors of a sexual nature, (c) controlling behaviors, and (d) psychological, emotional, and/or verbal behaviors/abuse as being experienced and understood in unique ways by South Asian Muslim women. By connecting these perceptions to the cultural context of South Asian Muslims, these findings support an intersectionality perspective by suggesting sociocultural variations in the meanings assigned to behaviors and/or actions.

Keywords

dating battered women domestic violence and cultural contexts

Introduction

Some scholars define dating abuse as dominating a partner “physically, sexually or psychologically, causing some level of harm” (Wekerle & Wolfe, 1999, p. 436). Although broad definitions such as these leave room for variations in experiences and understandings of dating abuse, little research has explored the manifestations of dating abuse from the perspective of various cultural and religious groups. Within the field of domestic abuse (i.e., among cohabiting or married couples), however, intersectionality has promoted the perspective that sociocultural background influences the meanings women assign to their partners’ actions (Yoshihama, 1999). In particular, it is the social positions women occupy stemming from race, ethnicity, class, gender, sexual orientation, immigration, and so forth that intersect and interact to create unique sites of oppression that mold experiences as well as understandings of those experiences and the behaviors of others (Crenshaw, 1991; Sokoloff, 2008). Although some scholars consider intersectionality a theory, many others use it as a “heuristic device” (Davis, 2008, p. 68). Consistent with many scholars’ uses of intersectionality, this article considers it a perspective or approach used to understand and analyze intimate partner abuse and other social phenomena (see Bograd, 1999; Crenshaw, 1991; Jiwani, 2005; Sokoloff, 2008; Sokoloff & Dupont, 2005a; Trahan, 2011; Yuval-Davis, 2006).

When taking an intersectional approach, it becomes clear that it is detrimental to the study of intimate partner abuse to assume that abuse is the same for all women. “The tag line that domestic violence affects everyone equally trivializes both the dimensions that underlie the experiences of these particular abuse victims and more important, the ways we analyze the prevalence and impact of violence against them” (Kanuha, 1996, p. 41). To address this, in the field of domestic abuse specifically, scholars have been exploring the ways various groups of women experience and define abuse. For example, pouring water over a woman’s head and overturning her kitchen table are considered abusive within the Japanese culture (Sokoloff & Dupont, 2005a; Yoshihama, 1999). Actions such as these, however, do not hold the same significance for women of other ethnic or cultural origins.

Because different definitions of and experiences with domestic abuse arise depending on intersecting social positions, it is reasonable to anticipate that the same holds true when considering dating abuse, in particular. As such, the research question guiding this article is as follows:

Research Question 1: What behaviors/actions in dating relationships do South Asian Muslims identify as being potentially experienced and/or understood differently by South Asian Muslim women?

This includes a look at the level of significance South Asian Muslims assign to such behaviors for South Asian Muslim women. In other words, it becomes evident which behaviors are perceived to be more or less harmful to South Asian Muslim women. Thus, the purpose of this article is to provide a preliminary and exploratory look at the perceptions of dating abuse (as experienced by women) from the perspective of first- and second-generation South Asian Muslims in Canada. Prior to examining the participants’ perceptions, a brief literature will provide some context for these perceptions.

South Asian Muslims Living in Canada

South Asian Muslims comprise a substantial portion of Canada’s immigrant and visible minority population. In 2006, there were 1.3 million South Asians in Canada, which is projected to increase to between 3.2 and 4.1 million by 2031 (Statistics Canada, 2010). Moreover, Islam is the largest religious denomination in Canada following Christianity (Janhevich & Ibrahim, 2004). Approximately 35% of non-Christians in 2006 were Muslim, and this is predicted to rise to 50% by 2031 (Statistics Canada, 2010). Having a South Asian Muslim cultural identity shapes experiences “in ways that are culturally specific and culturally bound” (Hassouneh-Phillips, 2001, p. 928). Thus, there are many facets of being a South Asian Muslim that will influence experiences with and understandings of dating abuse. It is important to note that this is not to suggest that there is one homogeneous South Asian Muslim culture. That being said, extant literature identifies some factors thought to be common across cultures of South Asian countries and/or Muslim cultures that can shape experiences with and understandings of abuse, which include (a) community denial of social problems, (b) cultural and religious expectations regarding dating, (c) family honor, and (d) collectivism. This can provide some context for the meanings the South Asian Muslims in this exploratory study assign to dating behaviors and/or abuse.

Literature Review: South Asian Muslim Cultures—Context

Scholars generally find that within many South Asian and Muslim communities in Western society, there is often a denial that women experience issues such as abuse (Huisman, 1996; Khan, 2000). Issues such as this are shrouded in secrecy and fear (Sheehan, Javier, & Thanjan, 2000) and amplified by the “model minority” stereotype that Asians do not experience problems of the West (M. Abraham, 2005; Ayyub, 2000; Dasgupta & Warrier, 1996; Huisman, 1996; Sokoloff, 2008). This can mean maintaining the image of the “model minority” who does not experience “Western” problems. As a result, there can be a desire among Asian women, in particular, to maintain the honor of their community within the settlement country (M. Abraham, 2005). Even among the second generation, individuals often feel compelled to uphold the family’s honor (Wakil, Siddique, & Wakil, 1981), which is when the family has a good reputation and dignity within their community (Dodd, 1973). This is typically based on how consistent individuals’ behaviors are with religious and cultural expectations (Dodd, 1973).

One of the religious and cultural expectations some South Asian Muslim youth encounter within their communities is the discouragement and even prohibition of dating (Alexander, Garda, Kanade, Jejeebhoy, & Ganatra, 2006). Due to the fear that dating will lead to premarital sex, it is often considered inconsistent with Islamic beliefs (Kopp, 2002) because premarital sex is often perceived as shameful (Haddad, Smith, & Moore, 2006) and/or taboo (L. Abraham, 2001, 2002; L. Abraham & Kumar, 1999). The shame related to dating is apparent in the attempts of many parents within South Asian Muslim communities to protect their daughters, in particular, from “that American adolescent tradition known as dating” to maintain their future prospects (Hickey, 2004, p. 5). Among South Asian Muslim women in Western societies, there is still an acknowledgment that dating can affect their family’s honor (Zine, 2008). Women, in particular, are the “keepers” of the family’s honor (Chakraborty, 2010), which often revolves around their virginity or “sexual purity” (Chakraborty, 2010; Durham, 2004; Haddad et al., 2006; Varghese & Rae Jenkins, 2009, p. 236). Being in a relationship prior to marriage has the capacity to bring shame to the family (Alexander et al., 2006). As such, girls are often prohibited from dating (Gopalkrishnan & Babacan, 2007). Not only can a relationship bring shame to the family, but it can also lead to a girl being labeled a “bad girl” and stigmatized (Chakraborty, 2010). As a result, it is not surprising that some community members see dating as the “root of a raging intergenerational controversy” (Dasgupta, 1998, p. 957).

The above is important to consider when examining South Asian Muslims’ understandings of and experiences with abuse because it can affect daughters’ ability or willingness to share their dating experiences with their parents and/or families. This is evident in domestic abuse scholarship as studies document the role of family honor. Ayyub (2000), for example, reported that abused women sometimes stay in the relationships to prevent bringing shame to their family. Furthermore, fear of exclusion by the community shapes Asian women’s help-seeking behaviors (Huisman, 1996). The collectivistic nature of many South Asian Muslim cultures further intensifies the importance of family honor. Collectivistic cultures socialize individuals to think of what is best for the group ahead of their individual desires (Ayyub, 2000). As a result, many individuals socialized according to these norms may place the family’s honor above their own needs and well-being. Indeed, scholars within the area of domestic abuse find that some women in South Asian cultures are expected to place the needs of their family ahead of their own needs, including that of their own basic physical, emotional, personal, and psychological well-being (see Pinnewala, 2009). The existing scholarship suggests that family honor and the collectivistic nature of many South Asian Muslim cultures may also play a role in South Asian Muslim women’s experiences with dating abuse.

Although dating is generally perceived to be unacceptable and shameful within many South Asian Muslim cultures, it is important to recognize that dating still occurs within this cultural and religious group. For example, a qualitative study of second-generation South Asians’ experiences and perceptions of cross-gender relationship in Canada (i.e., male–female friendships and intimate relationships) reports that 95% (19 out of 20) of the South Asian Muslim participants had a dating relationship and 40% (8 out of 20) of those participants had premarital sex (Zaidi, Couture-Carron, & Maticka-Tyndale, 2013). Even within a country where South Asian norms forbidding premarital sex are prevalent, namely India, studies show increases in sex, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases among unmarried youth (L. Abraham, 2001, 2002; L. Abraham & Kumar, 1999). As a result, it would be incorrect to assume that dating abuse does not occur among South Asian youth simply because they do not date. Furthermore, although some South Asian Muslim youth may not follow cultural and religious norms, it does not mean that the importance of those norms and expectations is forgotten. Therefore, even when not following cultural and religious norms and expectations, those norms and expectations may still affect experiences with dating relationships and dating abuse in particular.

Method

The data for this article come from qualitative semi-structured interviews. A qualitative approach gave the participants the opportunity to speak for themselves and express their ideas more freely than quantitative analysis generally allows for. This is particularly useful for this study, as it enabled me to hear the words the participants use to make meaning of dating behaviors and abuse. The interview guide included a variety of topic areas, such as background information, understandings of Western forms of dating, the level of acceptance of dating within the participants’ South Asian Muslim communities, and perceptions of what is unique to South Asian Muslim women in terms of dating abuse. This article, however, focuses primarily on what behaviors the participants perceive to be experienced in a unique way by South Asian Muslim women. I asked questions outside of the interview guide as they arose and became relevant to the discussion.

Upon receiving Research Ethics Board (REB)¹ approval, I purposively selected first- and second-generation self-identified South Asian (i.e., with families originating from Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka) Muslim college/university students between the ages of 18 and 25. I recruited participants from college and university campuses in the Durham Region and Greater Toronto Area. I sent mass emails to students at these campuses. I also placed posters throughout the campuses and used a draw for a Can$100 gift card as additional incentive. Upon reading a consent form, participants verbally consented to the interview, which then took place in a private office or boardroom on the college/university campus and lasted approximately 45 min to an hour and a half. I audio-recorded the interviews with participant consent and transcribed the interviews.

Following transcription, I began to develop themes from the interviews and proceeded to conduct an analysis of the data in consultation with a committee of senior scholars. The analysis included a review of the transcribed notes and quotations for each individual participant. During this phase, I analyzed each response to the questions posed. I used a combination of simultaneous and thematic techniques to code the data by hand. This involved applying multiple thematic codes to the data as it can be nearly impossible to apply a single code (Saldãna, 2009). The first code was used to identify the general themes of the data, such as perceived differences in understandings. The second code identified the more specific or secondary theme, such as greater acceptance of control.

Sample

The sample consists of 11 self-identified first-generation (8) and second-generation (3) South Asian Muslims. There are 6 women and 5 men. The average age is 20, and the average age of migration for the first generation is 8. Table 1 provides a breakdown of the sample by country of origin and gender.

Table 1.

Participants’ Country of Origin by Gender.

Country of Origin	Sex		Total
Country of Origin	Female	Male	Total
Bangladesh	2	0	2
Pakistan	1	3	4
Malaysia/India	1	0	1
East Africa (India)	1	0	1
India	1	2	3
Total	6	5	11

Meanings and Significance of Behaviors and Abuse in Dating Relationships Participants Perceive to Be Unique to South Asian Muslim Women

Although the participants all recognized the most commonly thought of forms of abuse (i.e., physical, sexual, and emotional/psychological), they also identified behaviors they perceive to be experienced or understood in a unique way by South Asian Muslim women. Although some had difficulties specifying what exactly is different, there was widespread recognition that there are aspects of dating abuse that can be experienced and understood in a unique way by South Asian Muslim women. As Rabia (a 20-year-old woman) stated,

There could be many things [differences in experiences with abuse] because, like I said, it’s that different expectation, right? So I can expect different things from my husband than you would from yours.

Sadaf (a 20-year-old woman) also touched upon this when she said,

I think something like abuse, there, there is a general term and there’s also specific terms based on just those two individuals.

Rabia and Sadaf’s statements speak to the subjectivity in defining and understanding abuse. According to Sadaf, if the behavior is something that hurts her, but may not hurt someone else, it is still abusive to her. Thus, it follows that if a South Asian Muslim woman believes that an act is hurtful, it can be considered abusive. Supporting an intersectionality perspective, these data suggest that there may indeed be sociocultural variations in the meanings women assign to behaviors and/or actions or, in other words, variation on the basis of social positioning (Crenshaw, 1991; Sokoloff, 2008; Yoshihama, 1999).

It is important to note that I am not suggesting that what the participants identify as unique to South Asian Muslims is actually unique to them. I am, instead, presenting what the participants believe is experienced or understood differently by South Asian Muslim women. It is also necessary to acknowledge that although the data below are presented with age and sex identifiers, it is not an analysis by sex, age, or country of origin. Granted that perceptions of dating abuse likely vary along these lines, the sample is much too small to be able to make conclusive comparisons. Behaviors or actions within dating relationships that some of the participants identify as being understood or experienced differently by South Asian Muslim women include exposure to parents/community, behaviors of a sexual nature, controlling behaviors, and psychological, emotional, and/or verbal behaviors/abuse. Each will be explored in turn below.

Exposure to parents/community

The majority of participants pointed out that the exposure of a relationship to parents/community is especially significant and detrimental for South Asian Muslim women. Adeel (a 19-year-old man), for example, discussed his perception of the differences in experiences of exposure for South Asian Muslim women and non-South Asian Muslim women. He said,

That would really cause the South Asian girl to be trapped, but if someone like you, if let’s say your boyfriend said that to you, you’d probably be like, “are you freaking serious? Like no, that’s not happening” sort of thing.

Rabia explained why she thinks South Asians are more vulnerable to threats of exposure than girls of other cultural or religious groups. She stated,

Sometimes it’s easier to target South Asian girls just because it is typical for their families not to be able to be a part of like that couple. Like so, they obviously look down upon it. So, it’s easier to target them just because “oh if you leave me you know, I’ll tell your parents” or “if you leave me, I’ll tell everyone that you did this with me [sex].” So it’s just easier in some senses.

The above statements illustrate the perceived vulnerability of South Asian Muslim women to threats of exposing a relationship to parents and/or the community. Although this form of threatening behavior is not likely unique to South Asian Muslims, these participants perceived this to be especially harmful to South Asian Muslim women. Even the insinuation that a South Asian woman has behaved dishonorably has implications for her and her family’s future, as exemplified in Rabia’s statement below.

If that person was going around telling other people “oh you know this and this happened” and rumors get around. Even though they may not be true, a lot of people would hear them and maybe stay away from that person. [Is that a form of abuse?] Definitely because he is ruining her future prospects of what she could do and I’m sure he only would do it if he was abusive . . .

Another participant, Shama (a 20-year-old woman), identified exposing a sexual relationship, in particular, as the worst thing a man could do to his dating partner. She said,

Maybe telling her parents about any sexual exploits, especially like if her parents are conservative or if they don’t know about it, right? And that could cause big trouble for her at home . . . Like I think crossing that privacy or whatever is abusive. [Would that be a big deal?] Yeah, I think so. I mean if the parents are conservative, that’s a big problem like she could be disowned you never know or she could be like married off like right away just so to prevent it from happening again.

Similarly, Rabia pointed out some of the potential consequences of such exposure. She explained,

He just basically ruined her life. [What would happen?] If it was a South Asian family, I’m sure that in some cases I heard that the girl has been disowned by the family, the girl has been shut in the house and can’t be out, and you know she’ll get married soon.

One participant, Jameela (a 19-year-old woman), went beyond identifying this behavior as a form of abuse and recognized how the severity of such exposure lends itself to being used specifically as a means of blackmail. Her statement is as follows:

Yeah, like obviously you could blackmail someone right. ’Cause . . . for some girls, knowing that they’ve done that [had a sexual relationship], having other people know about it, including her parents, it’s a very like “oh my god I can’t let that happen ever” kind of a thing. So, obviously she’d maybe be more of “I should do things” for her boyfriend so that that secret stays between them.

The potential consequences of exposure to parents and/or the community—which is likely linked to family honor as well as the collectivistic nature of South Asian Muslim communities—allow for its potential use as a method of controlling South Asian Muslim women in particular. This may be explained by the expectation placed on South Asian Muslim women, in particular, to uphold the family honor and the importance of putting the needs of the family above the individual (see Ayyub, 2000; Dodd, 1973; Dwyer, 2000; Weiss, 1994). As previously mentioned, many South Asian Muslim cultures are unaccepting of dating relationships and view it as a threat to the family’s honor (Alexander et al., 2006). Moreover, the family’s honor is tied to women and their sexual purity (Chakraborty, 2010; Durham, 2004; Haddad et al., 2006; Varghese & Rae Jenkins, 2009). As such, there is much that can be lost if the family and/or community becomes aware of secret dating relationships. Thus, threats of exposure and blackmail are unlikely to have the same impact on a woman of a cultural or religious group that allows open dating. If stigma is not attached to a dating and/or sexual relationship, threats of exposure are not effective methods of control or abuse. As a result, threats of exposure may be an aspect of dating abuse that can be experienced differently by South Asian Muslim women as well as those of other cultural or religious groups that hold similar beliefs regarding dating.

Behavior of a sexual nature

The majority of participants perceived behaviors of a sexual nature to be experienced in a different way by South Asian Muslim women. For example, when asked whether there are behaviors that could hurt South Asian Muslim women more than non-South Asian Muslim women, Jameela responded,

Maybe like more sexual things that are normal for this culture that might not be normal for that part of the world [South Asia]. That could be something along those lines.

Although Jameela could not give a specific example of such behavior, she did recognize that it would most likely be related to sexual intimacy. Hafeez (a 21-year-old man) credited the variations in experiences of sexual intimacy or understandings of such behavior to the cultural and religious norms surrounding sexual activities. He explained,

Well certain things that you think is normal, is bad for us. [Like what?] Kissing and everything’s okay like we don’t like in Islam like you don’t even . . . touch a girl until you’re married. That’s just how it is. Like you’re supposed to keep your distance. Like when a girl comes, you lower your gaze and you just wouldn’t look at her. Like right now, I shouldn’t be looking at you . . . anywhere you go like you see girls who are dressed in skirts, they’re showing all their cleavage, it’s kind of like difficult . . . you can’t look at that, but like you see it everywhere. So, you have to like lower, you look away or something.

The above statement demonstrates how differences in cultural and religious norms surrounding sexual intimacy may affect behaviors, which in turn are likely to influence how sexual behaviors are understood. As a result, it is logical to assert that there are some behaviors of a sexual nature that would hold different meanings for South Asian Muslims. In fact, some of the participants specifically noted that there are behaviors of a sexual nature that are experienced in a unique way by South Asian Muslim women. Although these behaviors are not necessarily abusive, participants identified them as having negative consequences unique to South Asian Muslim women.

Consistent with behaviors that are commonly thought of as abusive within the broader Canadian mainstream society is name-calling using sexual references. Three male participants, namely Hafeez, Adil (a 19-year-old man), and Adeel (a 19-year-old man), specifically indicated that name-calling using sexual references is especially hurtful to South Asian Muslim women. Hafeez indicated that the worst thing to call a South Asian Muslim girl is a whore. He explained,

That crosses the line . . . [because] you have to respect your girlfriend. You have to respect anybody. Like respect is a main thing. In Islam you have to respect others.

Not only is this name disrespectful on a personal level, but Hafeez’s statement suggests that for some, it is unacceptable on a religious level as well. This is consistent with Adil’s beliefs as he indicated that it contradicts the cultural and religious expectations that girls are pure and innocent. Thus, with women expected to maintain their sexual purity (see Chakraborty, 2010; Durham, 2004; Haddad et al., 2006; Varghese & Rae Jenkins, 2009) for the family’s honor, reference to a South Asian Muslim woman in a way that questions that purity is particularly insulting and degrading. Similarly, Adeel explained that he believes that calling a girl a whore is worse for a South Asian Muslim girl than a non-South Asian Muslim girl (generally referring to a Canadian of European origin) because:

That’s not the image that they [South Asian Muslim girls] portray in our society. A lot of them, like most, like the majority of them are covered up and whatnot so you wouldn’t call someone who’s covered their body up a whore. That just doesn’t make sense. So yeah, that’s extremely offensive.

Some participants also discussed the significance of sexual assault, in particular. These participants indicated that it is one of the worst forms of abuse for South Asian women. When asked whether this is because of the cultural and religious significance of sex and virginity, Faiza (a 24-year-old woman) responded yes and explained whether a South Asian Muslim who was raped was a virgin:

Holy crap that’s just terrible.

When Rabia mentioned sexual abuse, she focused on the decision to report the abuse. She explained that if she was in that situation, her decision to report the abuse to her parents would depend on the type of abuse and, specifically, how embarrassing it was. She would be hesitant to tell her parents about sexual abuse because she would be too embarrassed. Although she thinks many people would react in a similar manner, she indicated that she believes sexual abuse is especially embarrassing and hurtful for South Asian Muslims because of the significance of sexual intimacy and the stigmatization of non-virgins within many South Asian Muslim communities. Rabia’s perception is unsurprising given the stigma and shame attached to sex prior to marriage among many South Asian Muslim cultures (see L. Abraham, 2001, 2002; L. Abraham & Kumar, 1999; Haddad et al., 2006). As a result, such victimization can have lasting effects on marriage prospects of the woman and even her family members. The cultural and religious significance of sexual intimacy within many South Asian Muslim cultures can lead to differential experiences with and understandings of these types of behaviors. This supports the intersectional claim that similar behaviors can affect people in different ways (see Dasgupta, 2000; Sheehan et al., 2000; Sokoloff & Dupont, 2005b; Yoshihama, 1999). In many South Asian Muslim cultures, women are expected to be pure (Chakraborty, 2010; Durham, 2004; Haddad et al., 2006; Varghese & Rae Jenkins, 2009), and any insinuation otherwise is particularly significant within these cultures given its implications for her and her family’s honor.

Controlling behaviors

Another aspect of dating abuse that some of the participants perceived to be unique to South Asian Muslim women is the greater acceptance of men’s domination or control. For example, when asked whether there are behaviors that would be tolerated by a South Asian Muslim woman to a greater extent than a Caucasian one, one participant, Jameela, said,

Maybe it could the whole like male dominance thing. Maybe to them it’s okay, it’s normal, but maybe someone looking in would be like, “that’s kind of weird.”

Another participant who discussed this difference, Sadaf, explained that this is because a Canadian woman of European origins is not expecting to be as dependent on a partner as a South Asian woman expects herself to be. When asked what could be done to hurt me, a Canadian of European origins, but not her, Sadaf indicated that she thinks a boyfriend’s disapproval of my friends or a husband’s control over where I go would upset me more than her. Javed (a 19-year-old man) also mentioned the issue of control over choice of friends as he said,

You know if some Muslim guy’s dating a white girl and you know he tells her not to go out with her guy, guy like friends, which is pretty much normal in Pakistan, normally people don’t allow their girlfriend to go out with any type of guy after they’re in a relationship. That would be a big issue here, but I don’t think that’d be an issue there. It’s vice versa if a girl tells a guy not to go out with girlfriends um . . . like female friends, that’d an issue you know.

This statement demonstrates how Javed perceives women in Canada as less tolerant of control than women in Pakistan and likely women raised according to the norms of Pakistan.

Participants also discussed control over clothing. In response to being presented with a scenario of a boyfriend telling his girlfriend to change her clothing, Sadaf and Faiza stated that this was a “respectable idea,” if done in a non-verbally abusive manner. Faiza identified this as a form of protection due to the importance of a South Asian Muslim woman maintaining her image in the community. Adeel also spoke of this when he said,

Absolutely. Clothing for one example. That’s one main thing. Guys will . . . they’ll tell them like, “you can’t wear that.” You know sort of thing. “People are going to be looking at you and whatnot.” I don’t think a white girl would give two shits about that just ’cause that’s just the way it is . . . So, their appearance in general um . . . their physical appearance. Yeah, I think that’s one of the main things.

This statement is another example of how some of the participants perceived South Asian Muslim women as more tolerant of control, especially regarding their clothing in particular.

In addition to the importance of image within the community, another participant discussed how religion could be used to control a South Asian Muslim woman. Shama said,

Maybe using religious threats like saying, “oh you’re going to hell you know God will not approve of you or whatever.” . . . That’s actually a perfect example like for example, like if the girl didn’t want to wear a hijab or something and the guy’s like, “yeah well you’re my girlfriend and if you don’t wear the hijab then it will be considered adulterous or whatever by God and you could be punished for that.”

The discussions of the acceptance of control seem to revolve around socialization or how one is raised, the importance of maintaining one’s image, and religion. The importance of maintaining a pure image is, again, tied to maintaining the family’s honor. This is also likely heightened by the collectivistic nature of many South Asian Muslim cultures. As previously mentioned, such cultures can prompt the individual to make decisions that place the needs of the group (i.e., family) above his or her own (Ayyub, 2000). This can result in tolerance for otherwise unacceptable behaviors as seen in studies of abused South Asian Muslim women (Ayyub, 2000).

Psychological, emotional, and/or verbal behaviors/abuse

Similar to some of the participants’ perceptions of control, four participants considered South Asian Muslim women as being more accepting or less affected by psychological, verbal, or emotional forms of abuse, or behavior that is generally identified as abusive within the mainstream Western society.² Although these behaviors are increasingly recognized as more serious than physical abuse within the mainstream Western society (see Dutton, Goodman, & Bennett, 1999; Follingstad, Rutledge, Berg, Hause, & Polek, 1990; Marshall, 1999; Sackett & Saunders, 1999), some of the participants said that these behaviors are not taken as seriously or experienced as hurtful by some South Asian Muslims. Shama, for example, discussed how she perceives South Asian couples as being more accepting of name-calling than Canadian couples of European origins. She said,

I think South Asian couples are more willing or they’re more open-minded to, or like they’re more okay with just calling each other like not horrible names, but just like “oh you’re stupid” or you know or like “don’t be dumb” or “don’t talk nonsense” kind of a thing, right? . . . And just bickering in general . . .’cause . . . I know of a South Asian couple and . . . they just like call each other names, but it’s almost like in a joking way kind of right. Like “oh you’re retarded” or whatever, right? But that’s just a joke supposedly . . . they don’t mean anything bad by it . . . and I’ve seen like in other younger South Asian couples. They’ll do the same thing . . . I guess it’s like a form of flirting for them just like call each other names.

This statement suggests that Shama thinks that some South Asians understand name-calling as a form of flirting and joking rather than having negative intentions. Another participant, however, did discuss how these verbal behaviors can be expressions of anger but are still not taken very seriously by South Asian Muslim women. Adil explained,

South Asian women, they’ve been yelled at quite a bit and they don’t think about that as much. But I guess here, like if you yell at a woman, usually she’d be pretty upset, right? But there, they’re like, “okay, the guy’s right . . . let’s just leave it, right? I probably did something wrong.” Here [in Canada], most women would be like, “no, don’t yell at me,” right? They might yell back.

According to Adil’s statement, he perceives yelling as a norm within his South Asian culture, which leads to its greater acceptance. Moreover, it appears that he believes women living in the West to be more resistant to this type of behavior. For instance, he indicated that his girlfriend, who was born in Canada, would respond to yelling in kind and his sister, who was not born in Canada, would not yell at her husband unless it was a very big fight. This discussion suggests that he believes that resistance and tolerance toward this behavior depend on where an individual is raised. Similarly, Hafeez also understood yelling, in particular, as being normalized in Punjabi culture. This is demonstrated in his following statement:

That’s [yelling] a big part of my culture. Yelling is a big part. It’s normal well in my household, in my, in all of Punjab. I don’t want to say for all of Pakistan, but Punjabi culture . . . Punjabi culture is sort of different than the rest of South Asians. It’s just, it’s like a little different . . . like if you hear yelling it’s okay. [Would yelling at your girlfriend be okay?] If somebody heard it, they’re like, “okay, she probably did something to deserve it.”

One participant, Sadaf, problematized the acceptance or tolerance toward psychological abuse. She understood verbal abuse as being more detrimental than physical abuse, especially for South Asian women. She said it is

Because they’re [South Asian women] just kind of programmed.

Sadaf’s statement suggests that she perceives South Asian women as being conditioned to be more tolerant of these behaviors through their socialization (i.e., “programming”). Sadaf explained that she thinks psychological abuse is worse than physical because it happens more often and it is something that progressively gets worse and is often ignored. Moreover, she explained that because psychological abuse is not taken as seriously as physical abuse some South Asian Muslims may forget that it is just as bad. According to Sadaf, being disrespected by a partner in front of others is more insulting than being slapped. She said that women, and South Asian women especially, tend to forget how important verbal respect is. Similar to the believed acceptance of controlling behaviors by South Asian Muslim women, the perceived lack of harm from psychological forms of abuse may be related to similar factors, such as socialization and collectivism. Furthermore, the lack of attention given to psychological forms of abuse may stem from the community denial of social problems. If psychological abuse is considered a “Western problem,” there may be a denial that it is something that affects South Asian Muslim women. This may also trickle down to dating relationships.

Limitations and Directions for Future Research

The sample for this study, although small, was relatively diverse; participants had origins in various countries and sects of Islam. Given the small sample, it was not possible to provide informative comparative analyses across gender, religious sects, countries of origin, or length of time in Canada. As such, it would be useful for future research to explore the relationship between participants’ Islamic sects, their countries of origin, etc. and their perceptions of dating or abuse in dating relationships.

This study’s generalizability is also limited due to drawing its sample from university/college students. Future research should expand beyond college/university students. It is possible that engaging with high school students, for instance, would produce very different results. This would be especially relevant as dating often starts in early adolescence (Mahony, 2010). Moreover, it is likely that post-secondary education plays a role in meanings associated with dating behaviors and abuse. Therefore, it would also be worthwhile to expand to non-university/college students.

The participants of this study, with the exception of one, did not report experiencing an abusive dating relationship. As a result, these data are only of perceptions rather than experiences. This is, however, an essential step prior to conducting research with South Asian Muslims who have experienced dating abuse. Without this foundation, it is likely that abusive or problematic behaviors would be overlooked due to preconceived notions of what dating abuse is. Relying on this foundation, future research should be conducted with South Asian Muslims who have been in an abusive dating relationship to allow for an understanding of what they experienced during and after that relationship.

It is also important to acknowledge that I, the author and primary researcher for this study, is of a different ethnicity than the participants. It is possible that this affected not only the data collection process but also the interpretation of the data. As I am not completely versed in South Asian Muslim cultures, I could have missed seeing some of the nuances or subtleties in the data. Although there were some difficulties arising from this, it is also possible that it did allow me to ask more questions during the interview phase rather than assuming I knew what the participants meant. For a detailed discussion of the insider–outsider dynamic in qualitative research with South Asians, please see Couture, Zaidi, and Maticka-Tyndale (2012).

In addition, future researchers should attempt to create and apply a systematic measure of religiosity and cultural identity. This could be utilized to determine the extent religiosity and cultural identity affect perceptions and experiences of/with dating behaviors and abuse.

Discussion and Conclusions

Dating is generally an inevitable life event in the West. It has simply become a norm within the United States (Bogle, 2008) and Canada. With dating comes the potential for dating abuse. Indeed, research shows that dating abuse among university and college students, in particular, is endemic (see Currie & MacLean, 1993; DeKeseredy & Kelly, 1993; Straus, 2004). Given that some South Asian Muslims do date (L. Abraham, 2001, 2002; L. Abraham & Kumar, 1999; Zaidi, Couture-Carron, & Maticka-Tyndale, 2016), it is reasonable to expect that some also experience dating abuse. Unfortunately, research on dating abuse among South Asian Muslims is limited.

The intersectionality perspective (see Bograd, 1999; Brah & Phoenix, 2004; Crenshaw, 1991; Sokoloff & Dupont, 2005a; Yoshihama, 1999) suggests that dating abuse is not likely to be experienced or defined in the same manner by all women. Drawing on and confirming this approach, this article demonstrates how the meanings and understandings of behaviors in relationships can vary based on an individual’s sociocultural background. This article attempts to highlight how cultural context is relevant to the ways South Asian Muslim young adults perceive dating abuse to be unique to South Asian Muslim women. In particular, it attempts to connect these perceptions to aspects of South Asian Muslim cultures related to community denial of social problems, cultural and religious expectations regarding dating, family honor, and collectivism.

The results do suggest that many of the of the participants see South Asian Muslim women as experiencing or understanding dating abuse in ways that differ from the mainstream Western society. More specifically, the participants identify four main issues in this regard, which include (a) exposure to parents and/or the community, (b) behaviors of a sexual nature, (c) controlling behaviors, and (d) psychological, verbal, emotional behaviors/abuse. As a whole, both young men and women identified these issues. This suggests that South Asian Muslims of both genders recognize the significance of these issues within their cultural and religious communities. It does not, however, suggest that men and women have the same appreciation of these issues. It is beyond the scope of this article to go into gender variations, but the fact that both genders identify these issues may speak to how widespread these perceptions are within these religious and cultural communities.

As the analysis above attempted to demonstrate, each of these issues can be linked to the specific cultural context that surrounds many South Asian Muslim women. In other words, cultural context appears to have implications for how the participants perceived dating abuse to be experienced and understood by South Asian Muslim women. The data presented in this article support the necessity of using an intersectional approach to uncover the potential role sociocultural background can play in the diversity of meanings and experiences with dating abuse. The findings emphasize that it is imperative to refrain from generalizing existing research on dating abuse to South Asian Muslim women. Instead, empirical scholarship on their unique perceptions and experiences is essential to understand those experiences and effectively serve their needs. As such, this research is a necessary stepping-stone that should promote future research of South Asian Muslims’ perceptions and experiences of dating abuse. It is also a beginning point in attempting to fill a gap in the field of dating abuse research, in general. Beyond research implications, the findings from this study also suggest the importance of raising awareness for service providers, teachers, and others who interact with youth, and South Asian Muslim youth in particular. These actors need to be sensitized to dating abuse occurring within other cultural and religious groups and the impact young people’s cultures and religions can have on experiences with dating abuse.

Although this article provides an important first step toward applying an intersectional approach to dating abuse, it is necessary to reiterate that what the participants discussed as different for South Asian Muslims with regard to dating abuse are perceptions only. Therefore, it is not the author’s position that these are issues exclusively affecting South Asian Muslims. These issues could arise in dating relationships among other cultural or religious groups. It is, however, worthwhile to consider and understand what individuals perceive can have a unique impact on those within their varying cultural and religious communities. Such recognition supports the importance of intersectionality in understanding dating abuse as it indicates that behaviors in dating relationships are not defined or understood in the same way for everyone, even within one particular religious or cultural group.

Footnotes

Acknowledgements

I am grateful for the guidance of Dr. Shahid Alvi, Dr. Nawal Ammar, Dr. Arshia Zaidi, and the anonymous reviewers.

Author’s Note

Ideas presented in this article were originally presented as part of the author’s Master of Arts thesis at the University of Ontario Institute of Technology and at the American Society of Criminology Annual Meeting in 2011.

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Notes

Author Biography

Amanda Couture-Carron is currently a doctoral student in sociology at the University of Toronto. Her research interests are in the area of intimate partner abuse, including among immigrant women, as well as dating abuse. Her recent research has focused on post-migration difficulties with institutional integration among recent immigrants, and she has also been involved in research projects on other immigrant-related issues (e.g., battered immigrant women, second-generation young adult acculturation stress, second-generation young adult perceptions and experiences with intimate cross-gender relationships, and immigrant economic integration). Her work with her colleagues has been published in Qualitative Sociology Review, South Asian Diaspora, Canadian Ethnic Studies, International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, and Violence Against Women.

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