Betrayal Trauma and Barriers to Forming New Intimate Relationships Among Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence

Procedure

Using semistructured interviews in this phenomenological research design, nine women who are survivors of IPV shared their experiences of forming new intimate relationships. These women were recruited from an organization in Western New York, which provides free services for victims of domestic violence and their children. Information about the study was shared with the women at a soiree held at the home of the executive director. The survivors of IPV, who serve as advisors to the executive director of the organization, were given a brief verbal description of the study and informational fliers. In addition, follow-up emails were sent to the women to determine their interest in the study. Those interested in the study contacted the primary investigator via phone or email to arrange an interview time.

Written and verbal consent was obtained by all participants before the start of the interview. All interviews were held either at the office of the primary investigator or the homes of participants. The interviews lasted between 60 and 90 min. In addition, participants completed a brief 10-item sociodemographic questionnaire. Participants received a US$25 Visa gift card for their time. All interviews were audio recorded. At the completion of the interview, participants were given the opportunity to share how they were feeling. If participants expressed psychological distress, they were referred to the organization’s hotline. None of the participants were in need of immediate referral to the hotline following the interview.

Data-Collection Instruments

A semistructured interview guide containing four broad topic areas, with an additional three to four probes under each topic area was used to guide conversation between the participant and interviewer. The four topic areas included experiences of IPV, feelings about relationships, entering new relationships, and healing. Participants were also given the opportunity to offer any additional information. At the end of the interview, the participants were asked to complete a short 10-item questionnaire. These questions included sociodemographic information such as race/ethnicity, education, income, relationship status, number of biological children, and number of years one has been a survivor of IPV. Three relationship questions were included: type of abuse experienced in intimate relationships, knowledge of what a healthy relationship is, and to what extent would they agree with the statement, “I am currently in a healthy relationship.”

Data Analysis

Qualitative data were coded using methods similar to DeCuir-Gunby, Marshall, and McCulloch (2011). First, two data analysts individually reviewed the nine transcripts and identified potential codes (assignment of meaningful labels to phrases, sentences, and paragraphs prior to interpretation). The two data analysts met to discuss potential codes and develop a codebook, which contained the code name/label, full definition, and an example of when to use the code. The two data analysts individually recoded the nine manuscripts using the codebook. The two data analysts met regularly to review and reconcile their codes. The use of a codebook and two data analysts ensured reliability and validity through intercoder agreement. For this article, a thematic analysis of the theory-driven code “barriers to forming new relationships” was conducted. Using steps similar to the coding process, the two data analysts individually identified themes (interpreting patterns across transcripts that are relevant to the description of codes), which emerged from the data for the selected code. Data analysts met to combine, separate, or omit themes. Themes were defined and named. Transcripts were individually reviewed, and texts reflecting each theme were identified. Data analysts met to review and reconcile any differences that emerged. All transcripts were analyzed by hand and merged using Microsoft Word 2016. Finally, the responses to qualitative data were tallied by hand.

Sample Characteristics

A total of nine women were included in this study. The majority of women in this study (five) reported being survivors of IPV for more than 13 years. All the women in this study reported experiencing physical and emotional/psychological abuse. Four women experienced sexual abuse, and four women experienced stalking. Five women reported being married at the time of the study, two being divorced, one being single, and one dating without cohabitation. All of the women strongly agree (5) or agree (4) with the statement, “I know what a healthy relationship looks like.” The six women who were in relationships at the time of the study (five married, one dating) reported that they strongly agree (3) or agree (3) with the statement, “I am currently in a healthy relationship.” The majority of women in this study (seven) were white, college educated with a bachelors or a master’s degree (six), and reported annual incomes of US$50,000 or higher (six). The age of women in this study ranged from 31 to 67, with the average age being 46 and the median age being 47. The majority of the women (five) were married at the time of the study. All participants, except one, reported having biological children.

Vulnerability/Fear

Many women were hesitant to pursue new relationships out of fear of putting themselves in a situation where they were once again potentially susceptible to physical or emotional harm. One participant stated, “I was fearful. I’m scared to make that transition to a relationship like that because it may go—could go the same way.” Women often strategized on how to keep themselves out of vulnerable situations. One participant said, “I think that’s always part of my strategy (keeping herself from vulnerability). It’s horrible. I think it probably wasn’t until my ex-husband. I think that’s always been a struggle for me since then. I don’t want to be incredibly vulnerable with people.” Some women’s strategies included getting their sexual needs met while protecting themselves emotionally. One participant stated,

One person I dated, but I would say more he was like my—I slept with him. I don’t regret it. It was a friendship that went more. I think, at the time, I needed that, but I didn’t want the emotional connection, and I didn’t want the interaction with my son because I knew he wasn’t the right person for me. I also had physical needs that were being unmet.

Similarly, another participant said that after her abusive relationship, she met guys and had sex with them but made sure her feelings did not get too deep. She said,

Sex happened along the way with those—it wasn’t a good thing, it wasn’t a bad thing. But the giving my heart or really euphoric ‘I’m so happy I’m in love’ not part of our relationship. Well, this is good, this is nice, all those words that are in that good range rather than wonderful. Because I thought feeling wonderful put me at great liability I wasn’t ever gonna put myself at that liability again.

Some women gave up dating altogether. One participant discussed her strategy of preventing abuse from happening again. She said,

My strategy was probably not to date a lot, to prevent it from happening again. Cuz I think I still don’t trust myself. I think, like I said to you, I think I’m attracted to things that look good, but then they don’t really turn out well. I tend to have a naïve perception of people. I think really, I didn’t ever bring people around my son, until my husband. I just didn’t date very much at all during that time.

Despite their vulnerability and fear, many women in the study eventually dated while creating boundaries to keep themselves safe. One participant stated,

Oh, I said “I’ll never marry again. I’ll never have anything to do with a guy again. I am done” [laughter]. I didn’t have any need to date, want to date, just wasn’t the deal. That was the first year. Then I said okay, maybe I’ll date within a light boundary.

Although many women eventually married, some women said that their fear and vulnerability affected their partner selection. Some intentionally or subconsciously pursued mates who were the exact opposite of their abusive partners. One participant said the following about her husband:

He’s not emotional at all. I think I was attracted to that. In part, my brother has said before—when my ex-husband was here. He was a very social party animal, drinker, literally life of the party. My husband now, he comes home from work and he sits on the sofa, and he plays video games, and he doesn’t wanna socialize with people. My brother has said, I could understand you wanted to correct, after the first, but you went all the way to the opposite.

This participant went on to describe how she was basically looking for “somebody who didn’t have a heart beat and just sat on the couch and didn’t do a lot” because she did not “want to fight.”

Relationship Expectations

While many women refrained from relationships or found ways to reduce vulnerability by avoiding emotional connections, others allowed themselves to be vulnerable but expected that any relationship they found themselves in would eventually include violence. Some women demanded to know up front from men if they were abusive or had bad tempers. One participant describes her encounter with a man she met online and eventually married. She says,

We met for lunch, and I was instantaneously attracted. I was just blown away. As we sat having lunch I said, “What’s your fatal flaw?” He said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Well, do you like to get angry and stay angry and blame everything on your anger? Is your anger your most important thing?” He’s like, “No.” I’m like, “Do you find it hard to see only one woman at a time? Do you find that there’s always somebody else you wish you were dating along at the same time?” He was like, “No, that’s not me.” I’m like, “Do you get drunk on a Friday and sober up Sunday afternoon for work?” He’s like, “No.” I said, “Well, what’s your fatal flaw then ’cause I’m 40. I don’t have a whole lot of time to waste” [laughter].

Many women now found themselves in what they would describe as healthy relationships. Their new partners treated them with respect and were never violent. However, the expectation of violence is always there. One participant describes how the expectation of violence is always on her mind. When describing her relationship with her husband she says,

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept waiting for the honeymoon period to be over when we were dating. I kept waiting for the thing that would make him really, really, really angry, and then he would physically attack me. It was, to me, like I was waiting for that process to happen all over again, and it never did. One night—we’re doing a number of renovations to our house. He went downstairs to the basement. He moved something. A gas pipe started leaking. He was trying to get his hand in there to tighten it, ended up cutting his hand. There was a piece of paneling in his way to get to it. He ripped the paneling out with his bare hands and threw it to the side, and the whole time loudly cursing. I was sitting upstairs, and I [deep breath]—I went into shell shock because the next thing I expected to happen was he was gonna come upstairs and then take it out on me because that happened. I get all the clumps just thinking about it. He didn’t. I tiptoed downstairs and said, “Hi.” He looked at me, and he was so upset that I had gotten that upset, but he understood. . . . [to me] It was just a realization that that was what was gonna happen because I had let myself fall for someone. It was gonna end up that I was gonna be hit again.

Another participant has a similar story. She and her husband were being playful and having a great time. She says,

He was goofing around with me one time. We hadn’t been married that long. I wasn’t pregnant yet. My first husband’s 6′2.″ He’s a big, bulky guy. My husband I’m married to now is 6′4.″ He’s even bigger. He’s more than twice my size. He’s like 6′4,″ almost 400 lbs. He’s a huge monster of a guy. He came up behind me and he grabbed me around the waist, goofing, and I did what I always did. I covered my face. I curled up into a ball and covered my face cuz I didn’t—it’s that reaction, that gut reaction. You don’t want facial bruising. He dropped me. He was like, “Oh my God, what are you doing?” I’m like, “Oh my God, I don’t know. What am I doing?” It doesn’t just go away.

Low Self-Esteem

Some women felt low self-esteem sabotaged new relationships. Women expressed feeling unworthy of love and suspicious of men who expressed interest in them. One participant describes dating a guy who was really into her. However, her low self-esteem prevented the relationship from moving forward. She constantly thought to herself, “There must be something wrong with them [any man interested in her]. What’s wrong with them if they like me this much?” Similarly, another participant describes a guy who really cared for her. She says, “I didn’t believe him. I don’t trust it. I don’t believe I’m worthy of being loved.” Another participant who expressed jealousy that her boyfriend was meeting with his divorced wife said, “I wasn’t thinking they were doing anything. Well maybe I did. I didn’t go ballistic . . . I just felt like shrugged shoulders like that’s okay. I wasn’t loveable, I guess.” The same participant explains how she constantly thinks negative of her husband as a result of her low self-esteem. She says,

I was trying to probably be negative about my husband probably cuz I feel so bad about myself. Nice dinner, and he would buy the CDs I liked, wine and flowers. He really did try. I’m probably the one who downplayed a lot of stuff.

One participant discussed how managing self-esteem is a constant battle and how IPV services should recognize that women need additional services besides assistance leaving the relationship. Although she entered into a serious relationship shortly after her abusive relationship, she does not recommend this to all survivors. She said,

I think that they (survivors) should look to heal the scars, though. Those scars don’t get healed the first year. You get support to finish working through your steps towards the door, but once, all of a sudden, you’re outside the least bit of something going wrong and your brain can take you back to, “You’re an idiot. You’re fat. You’re ugly.” It’s amazing how those scars don’t go away as much. Even though I have a wonderful relationship at home, when something goes wrong I am incredibly hard on myself.

Communication Issues

Some women expressed the difficulty in conveying to their new partners their experiences of IPV. Many women have survival behaviors that they adapted from their previous relationships. These behaviors often manifest themselves in their new relationships. Some women said that their inability to completely understand and communicate their experiences and the impact on their behaviors contributed to a disconnect between them and their partners. One participant said,

There’s all these behaviors that I had that he [current husband] has had to learn to deal with over the years: a lot of anxiety, fears, some irrational fears that have come out of that first marriage, some very rational fears that get blown out of proportion, but also irrational fears, like there’s no reason to be afraid of that. That was these behaviors that he didn’t know me well enough to know were there, but once we were together, to see me get super paranoid over something and he’s like, “What is happening right now? Why are you having this reaction?” . . . He didn’t know why. I don’t know if I knew why.

The same participant recognized that it took her many years to be able to convey to her husband the reasons behind her behavior. Until she was able to understand and explain her behavior, she would often blame her husband for not trying to understand. She says,

I would be like, “You don’t want to listen to me.” He does want to listen, but he doesn’t know what’s happening. You can’t articulate what’s wrong. All you do is sound like the Peanuts teacher. He didn’t know how to help, but I think in some ways he didn’t know—initially, we didn’t talk about the fact that it was a product of the first marriage. It wasn’t until, I don’t know, a couple of years later that I was really in the midst of trying to work through my issues that I had to start thinking like, “Wait a minute, what is really happening with me?”

Whereas the previous participant was eventually able to work through, understand, and articulate her behavior to her husband and experience increased marital bliss, other participants still struggled with communication. One participant described how her current husband, years after her first marriage, decided to rent a home that they owned to her abusive ex-husband once he was released from jail. She has been unable to effectively communicate her anxiety about this to her husband. She said,

Now that he [abusive ex-husband] is out of prison, he lives over there in that place where I used to live with my son and my son’s girlfriend since 6 years already. My current husband bought the house that they live in. Technically, I’m the landlord even though I don’t see him. He [current husband] doesn’t think of the effect it had on me.

Although many women struggled with communication at some point, not all of them did. One participant said that she told the first person she dated after her abusive relationship about her trust issues. She said,

Well, I told him up front . . . I told him what I went through. I said, “So—if I don’t hear from you for a couple days, I’m gonna start to panic.” He was—he actually was very good at understanding that and knowing that I needed his reassurance.