Abstract
The current study sought to expand our understanding of how early relationships characterized by intimate partner violence (IPV) influence college women’s transition into emerging adulthood. We used a longitudinal qualitative design in which women (n = 13) with histories of IPV victimization participated in interviews twice a year beginning their first semester in college and ending in their final semester of college. Four primary themes were uncovered: making sense of the relationship, recognizing needs in the relationship, posttraumatic growth, and social cognitive maturity. The constitutive pattern across all four themes was resilience (i.e., positive adaptation during and after experiencing adversity).
Emerging adulthood, which occurs between the ages of 18 and 25 years, is a critical period of development between adolescence and adulthood (Arnett, 2000, 2004). During this formative time, intimate relationships are of significant importance, particularly in the role of identity exploration (Arnett, 2007a, 2007b). In fact, one of the primary tasks of emerging adulthood is identity development, which largely occurs through the context of dating and sexual relationships (Arnett, 2007a, 2007b). According to Arnett (2004), romantic relationships provide a context where emerging adults can discover aspects of their own selves and what they want from a partner or from a relationship. Through relationships, individuals are able to find answers to questions central to identity development, such as, who am I, where do I want to go, and who do I want to go there with (Manning et al., 2011).
Since emerging adulthood is a period of exploration in terms of one’s identity and intimate relationships, it is not surprising that many intimate relationships during this time are characterized by instability (Arnett, 2000, 2007b). As individuals move from adolescence to adulthood, their own needs and objectives in intimate relationships evolve and change over time (Furman & Wehner, 1997). For many, emerging adulthood is a period during which they are likely to both initiate and dissolve intimate relationships of varying degrees of intimacy and commitment (Cohen et al., 2003). In fact, over a period of 20 months, approximately 40% of emerging adults reported one or more breakups with an intimate partner (Rhoades et al., 2011). In addition to instability, many relationships during emerging adulthood are characterized by churning behaviors, including breaking up and getting back together and having sex with former intimate partners. Churning behaviors are fairly common among emerging adults, with more than 40% of emerging adults experiencing both a breakup and reconciliation in their present or most recent relationship (Dailey et al., 2009; Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). While research has found that churning relationships last longer than more stable relationships in emerging adulthood, churning relationships tend to be characterized by lower relationship quality (i.e., less satisfaction, commitment, and passion) due to conflict within the relationship (e.g., problems with communication; Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). In fact, relationship churning is associated with more major forms of conflict such as physical violence and verbal abuse (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013).
Although adolescence and emerging adulthood are important developmental periods for establishing healthy dating and sexual relationships, the use of violence in these relationships is a salient problem among adolescents and young adults (Black et al., 2011; Smith et al., 2018; Vagi et al., 2015). Approximately 1 in 4 women (29.2 million) and 1 in 10 men (11.8 million) in the United States experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of intimate partner violence (IPV)–related impact (e.g., being fearful, concerned for safety, injury, need for medical care). Much of these victimization experiences occur during adolescence or emerging adulthood, with 71% of women and 25% of men who experienced IPV reporting first-time victimization prior to age 25, and 26% of women and 15% of men who experienced IPV reporting first-time victimization prior to age 18 (Smith et al., 2018). This is problematic given that IPV is associated with adverse outcomes across multiple areas of functioning including psychological (e.g., depression), physical (e.g., health problems), social (e.g., withdrawal from peer networks), and academic (e.g., poor grades; Edwards et al., 2011; Smith et al., 2018). Given the increased risk for problematic relationships during emerging adulthood, understanding how emerging adults navigate relationship dissolution and the outcomes of dissolution on development is important to understand.
While learning how to develop and maintain intimate relationships are salient developmental tasks during emerging adulthood, learning how to tactfully end intimate relationships serves as another important context for both positive and negative developmental growth (Norona, Olmstead, et al., 2017; Shulman & Connolly, 2013; Snyder, 2006). Relationship dissolution can also foster development in the same way that beginning romantic relationships can, as it is a period during which individuals change, grow, and make meaning of their experiences (Rollie & Duck, 2006). The process of ending an intimate relationship also provides an opportunity for individuals to learn how to better navigate future relationships as they learn ways to cope with relational stress, become better skilled at emotional regulation, and learn to seek out relationships that satisfy their own needs (Norona & Welsh, 2017).
To date, much of the literature has focused on negative outcomes associated with relationship dissolution (e.g., psychopathology, distress, unhealthy attachment); however, ending relationships can also be associated with positive growth. According to Tedeschi and colleagues (1998), people can grow beyond their prior level of functioning in response to distressing or traumatic events such as the dissolution of intimate relationships. In other words, a breakup may provide an opportunity for individuals to improve their own characteristics, traits, and beliefs. Stress-related growth includes positive changes across multiple domains including: intrapersonal (e.g., increased self-confidence and greater self-reliance), intimate relationships (e.g., better communication, not rushing into relationships), partner selection (e.g., learning what I do and do not want in a romantic partner), and environment (e.g., importance of maintaining friendships, seeking out friends’ and family members’ opinions, more time and effort put into school; Tashiro & Fraizer, 2003). According to Aron et al.’s (1998) self-expansion model, people are inherently motivated to improve and nurture the self in areas such as knowledge, identities, capabilities, and experiences. Within the self-expansion model, relationships are the primary means of enhancing aspects of the self and experience that is positively associated with relationship quality (Aron et al., 2004). However, very little consideration has been given to the notion that ending a relationship that one identifies as unhealthy may also provide an opportunity for self-expansion.
Gaps in the Literature
While research has largely focused on negative outcomes associated with ending relationships during emerging adulthood and, to an even lesser extent, positive outcomes, more inquiry is needed into outcomes associated with ending unhealthy relationships during this developmental period. Little is known about how specific events (e.g., IPV) that precede stay/leave decision making are associated with social and emotional development during emerging adulthood. To date, only one study to our knowledge has examined developmental outcomes associated with ending low-quality intimate relationships (e.g., undesirable or damaging relationships that provide limited opportunities for self-expansion) and found that ending these relationships provided greater opportunities for personal growth (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007). Given the high rates of IPV during emerging adulthood, it is important to understand how relationships characterized by these forms of violence and their dissolution impact how women navigate, form, maintain, and dissolve intimate relationships during this period.
The current study seeks to expand our understanding of how unhealthy relationships with men, including those characterized by IPV, influence college women’s transition into emerging adulthood, utilizing the following four guiding questions: (a) How do unhealthy relationships characterized by IPV impact what college women learn about themselves and relationships over the course of their college experience?; (b) How do these relationships influence college women’s social and emotional development?; and (c) Do these relationships influence how college women navigate subsequent intimate relationships in college during the critical period of emerging adulthood? Thus, the ultimate aim of the current study is to examine how early unhealthy relationships and unwanted sexual experiences influence how women perceive, enter, and negotiate future intimate relationships during the critical developmental period of emerging adulthood.
Method
Participants
Participants in the current study were 13 women in their first semester of college, between the ages of 18 and 19 years at the time of the first interview and were currently in a relationship or had been in one in the past 6 months. The sample was fairly homogeneous in that all participants were White, reflective of the larger student population at the mid-size New England university where the study was conducted. Most women in the study identified as heterosexual (n = 10 identified as exclusively heterosexual, n = 2 identified as mostly heterosexual).
Procedure
Following approval from the medium-sized New England University Research Integrity Services, women were recruited for the study during their first semester of college through an online research pool through the psychology department at a medium-sized New England University. A total of 267 women completed an in-person initial screening survey and were asked if they would be willing to participate in future studies in addition to screening for physical, sexual, and/or severe psychological abuse in a dating relationship prior to coming to college, using the Conflict Tactics Scale II (Straus et al., 1996). Sixty women met criteria (i.e., IPV prior to coming to college) and provided their contact information, indicating an interest in future research participation. A research assistant contacted eligible participants, and of these, 24 women agreed to complete biannual interviews and surveys over the course of 4 years that inquired about unwanted sexual experiences and IPV that occurred prior to and/or during college. Ten women dropped from the study for reasons including: not responding to researchers’ requests to schedule interviews (n = 7), “being too busy” (n = 2), and “not feeling comfortable discussing topics” (n = 1). The current study examines women who completed at least seven of the eight interviews (n = 14). The final sample of women included is 13, as one participant’s experience of IPV and sexual violence deviated significantly from other women in the study. 1
The study consisted of two cohorts of participants, with interviews taking place between October 2012 and April 2016 for Cohort 1 (n = 4) and October 2013 and April 2017 for Cohort 2 (n = 10). Interviews were scheduled at a time requested by the participant and were generally conducted in person, in University offices and conference rooms with both the interviewer and participant present. One interviewer lived out of state during the time in which Spring 2016 and 2017 interviews were conducted. Thus, institutional review board (IRB) approval and participant consent were obtained to allow the interviewer to conduct these interviews remotely via Skype. Prior to beginning the qualitative interviews, participants completed an informed consent at the beginning of each interview and completed a quantitative paper-and-pencil survey. At the end of each qualitative interview, women were compensated US$20 or awarded course credit for their participation in the study. Interviewers consisted of three university faculty 2 and one doctoral student, all of whom were highly experienced in qualitative interviewing techniques and working with survivors of interpersonal violence. To ensure consistency, a semi-structured interview schedule was used as a guide throughout the interview sessions. We received permission from participants to record each interview and undergraduate and graduate research assistants transcribed interviews verbatim. To protect participants’ confidentiality, the transcribed interview did not contain any identifying names of people, places, or agencies, and three-digit participant identification numbers were assigned to participants.
Qualitative Interviews
Qualitative interviews were informed and guided by Heideggerian hermeneutic phenomenology (HHP; Heidegger & Stambaugh, 1996), which focuses on how individuals make sense of their world and the meanings they attach to their experiences. We were interested in women’s perceptions and meaning making of how early unhealthy relationships and unwanted sexual experiences influenced how they perceived/entered/negotiated future relationships during the critical developmental period of emerging adulthood. Examples of guiding questions included the following: (a) “Some women try to make sense out of those [unwanted sexual] experiences. As you look back on the relationship and this experience, tell me how you understood that experience and what you felt about it at the time it happened?”; (b) “As you think about those experiences today, how do you understand them now?”; (c) “How did/do these experiences affect other parts (academics, family, social) of your life?”; (d) “Tell me more about staying with [name]. . . . Why do you think you stayed in the relationship? OR “What are some of the things about your partner or about the relationship that keep you in the relationship?”; (e) “How did you make the decision to leave the relationship?” “Why do you think you ended the relationship with [name]?” OR “What things led you to end the relationship?”; and (f) “We have talked a lot this past time and today about dating and I am wondering if your opinions about dating, what you look for in a dating partner, etc., has changed at all during this time?”
Approximately 108 interviews were audio recorded and transcribed and checked verbatim by research assistants. Following completion of transcribing and checking interviews, the audio recordings were destroyed. The 108 interviews yielded 1,346 pages of transcription. A total of 101 interviews were used in the final analysis, yielding 1,255 pages of transcription.
A seven-step process of analysis was used, consistent with the HHP analysis method (Diekelmann et al., 1989). As part of the first stage of the HHP process, the first and fourth authors read all of the transcripts to identify emergent themes. During meetings, authors selected excerpts from transcripts that supported these themes. Simultaneously, the first and fourth authors engaged in a process of constant comparison during which categories with the strongest agreement were designated as primary themes. Throughout the entirety of this analysis, categories were collapsed, expanded, or eliminated to be representative of all participant transcripts. In addition, authors identified a constitutive pattern that was representative of a coherent, overarching theme found across all participants. The first and fourth authors then reviewed all participants’ transcripts again to validate themes. The final stage of the HHP process consisted of the first author writing the analyses that became our findings. In making revisions based on reviewers’ feedback, the third and fourth authors, repeated the HHP process.
Results
Four primary themes were uncovered: (a) making sense of the relationship; (b) recognizing needs in the relationship; (c) posttraumatic growth; and (d) social cognitive maturity. The major constitutive pattern that encompasses all four themes was recognizing resilience, which centered on how resilience becomes intertwined with women’s self-perception, specifically in how their perception of themselves as a young woman navigating relationships evolved over time.
Making Sense of the Relationship
Making sense of the relationship focused on the primary reasons that women reported a need to remain in their relationship. At the time of the first interview, these relationships were either the women’s current relationship or their most recent relationship in the 6 months prior to their first semester of college. While the duration of relationships varied, none of the women remained in these relationships for the entirety of the study. For most women, reasons provided for remaining in their relationship consisted of two key components: liking the idea of having a boyfriend and a strong desire for the companionship and familiarity their relationship provided. Together, these components map onto the stages of romantic development during adolescence that emphasize the importance of establishing intimate relationships and the developmental need for companionship over emotional intimacy.
The majority of women in the current study reported a strong desire to simply be in a relationship, which at the time was more important than being in a healthy or functional one. When reflecting back on these relationships, women often felt a strong desire to maintain the relationship because they felt societal pressure to be in a relationship during high school, or because this was their first intimate relationship. Despite dysfunction, many women’s desire to be with their “high school sweethearts” (Participant 2, Time 3, Fall 2013) or belief that their partner was the one they would later marry, were reasons for remaining in the relationship. Other women reported remaining in their relationship out of fear that this would be their only chance at falling in love or getting married. Regardless of the reasons that women stayed in their relationships, all women reported a simple desire to be in a relationship with another person who liked them: I think just like the idea of it and someone that liked me, and having a boyfriend or whatever . . . I really did think that if I broke up with him, that’s my one and only chance to ever get married. (Participant 1, Time 7, Fall 2016) There was a lot of peer pressure to be in a relationship when I was in high school [compared to college], because that was the thing to do. When you’re that young . . . everybody has a partnership. (Participant 3, Time 6, Spring 2016)
For many women, the relationships discussed in initial interviews were not only some of their first relationships, but most women reported spending a significant portion of their high school years in them. When looking back, women regularly felt that these relationships provided a sense of consistency and familiarity for them during adolescence and/or during the transition to emerging adulthood. In fact, many women felt that these relationships were all they knew. Even though their relationships were unhealthy, women expressed feeling a sense of comfort in staying in them, because they were familiar and provided a sense of stability during a developmental period characterized by transitions and instability. In fact, a few women went through significant life events during the course of their relationship (e.g., parent going through treatment for a serious medical illness) and felt that having their partner by their side through these experiences contributed to their need to remain in the relationship. Indeed, having a partner during challenging times represented to women their faithfulness, commitment, and care. For these women, going through a significant life event together was powerful, and for some women, it seemed as though the bonds formed during that time might have felt as though they were permanent. Other women felt that their partner was the one consistent thing in their life, and even though their relationship was characterized by dysfunction, the dysfunction was predictable: It continued for so long because it was easy and because it was routine and because it was high school, and it was someone I always had to talk to, someone I always had to hang out with, someone that I knew I could count on for a lot of things. (Participant 5, Time 5, Fall 2015) The sense of “homeliness” he had because he was from my hometown, and like everything else was really new and he felt like home, so I really wanted to keep that with me. (Participant 7, Time 2, Spring 2013) He asked me to be like his girlfriend and about a month after my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. Throughout her surgery he sat with me for 9 hours while she was in surgery and I think that was a big event in my life and he like kind of took me through that and was my support system through everything, so . . . that’s kind of when . . . we got very close I would say and this was the summer before he went to college so there was no way I was gonna break up with him right away. (Participant 8, Time 1, Fall 2013)
Recognizing Needs in the Relationship
Recognizing needs in the relationship explored why women left their relationship and the meaning they attributed to it. As women not only recognized their own needs, they also became acutely aware of their partner’s needs, evaluated their own ability to meet them, and in turn made a decision about whether or not they could remain in the relationship. When thinking back on their past relationship in this regard, women’s responses tended to coalesce around three main topics: (a) identifying unmet needs (i.e., discovering aspects of their own selves and recognizing their needs as an individual in a relationship); (b) stagnancy in the partner and relationship (i.e., discovering what they wanted in a partner or relationship was absent from their current relationship, realizing that their partner will not change, and recognizing that their relationship was abusive or unhealthy); and (c) moments of clarity (i.e., realizing that their relationship expectations or the qualities they wanted in a partner did not align with their current relationship).
Part of navigating relationships during emerging adulthood is figuring out what one needs from a partner or relationship. This might include specific qualities one looks for in a romantic partner or a deeper understanding about what they bring to and need from a relationship. Each woman in the study engaged in a degree of self-reflection and self-examination to figure out their own needs and wants, while also coming to terms with the fact that their relationship was unhealthy and simply not working. As the first step in this self-discovery, many women began to acknowledge their needs were unmet as their relationship progressed. One of the most frequently mentioned unmet needs were emotional needs. Many women felt that over time their partner became inconsiderate of their feelings and emotionally unsupportive. Some women felt that when they tried to express their own needs in the relationship, their own needs were always overshadowed by those of their partner, and for some, this evolved into them taking on the emotional burden of their partner at their own expense: I was telling him several times that I felt alone in the relationship and that I needed some kind of an emotional support and I wasn’t getting it at the time. (Participant 3, Time 6, Spring 2016) There was just always so much conflict in his life, and so much that I needed to feel sorry for him about, because he had no other friends, and he was having family problems, and doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, switching schools and stuff, so his burdens became my burdens . . . to where I needed to feel that same kind of loneliness he was feeling. (Participant 9, Time 1, Fall 2013) Because with him there was always some problem he was facing, and if he was having a bad day, that’s all we would talk about, like if I wanted to say like, “Oh you know, my day hasn’t been that great either,” he would just dismiss it and go right back to talking about himself. (Participant 9, Time 2, Spring 2014)
Coinciding with identifying unmet needs in the relationship, all women described what appeared to be stagnancy in terms of their relationship. Many women discovered that, when they thought about what they wanted in a partner or what they yearned for in a relationship, these characteristics were absent from their current relationship. Participants also recognized that the needs they had at the start of their relationship, which for most was in high school, were undoubtedly different from their needs as a young college woman in a relationship. As part of recognizing their own evolving needs, many women also acknowledged that their partners were incapable of changing or unwilling to adapt to meet those needs. For other women, recognizing that their relationship was unhealthy and abusive was part of recognizing their own needs in a relationship. For these women, it was less about recognizing that their partner would not change to fulfill their needs, but rather that their partner was so stuck in his own ways that he was unlikely to ever be any different: It’s like a game to him. It’s like can I get her back, can we do this again? And if I did give in, it wouldn’t be a commitment again. It would just be, it wouldn’t be like an actual relationship which I would want. It would be more of like what we’ve always been, and I’m just not interested in that. (Participant 8, Time 7, Fall 2016) It was just a bunch of things piling on and I was sick of being treated . . . a certain way, and the last time we got back together he told me he changed and I really took a leap and wanted to believe him and for a while we were good, but then we started going downhill again and I was like, I realized he’s just never gonna change. And that I can’t keep wasting my time. (Participant 2, Time 4, Spring 2014)
The pinnacle of recognizing one’s needs in a relationship was characterized by moments of clarity, where women in the study realized that their ideal partner and relationship did not align with their current partner or relationship. For many women it was similar to the straw that broke the camel’s back, in that their relationship had gotten to a point where they simply had enough. For some women this was black and white: they could no longer tolerate the unhealthy dynamic. Some women attributed this to recognizing their own self-worth and acknowledging that they deserved to be treated better by their partner. For others, these moments of clarity were more gradual and reminiscent of simply outgrowing their relationship: And everything with this was like flashing through my head . . . all of the bad times, and I was like, I don’t deserve any of this. (Participant 1, Time 1, Fall 2013) It was like a wonderful moment of clarity where I was like this relationship doesn’t make any sense to me, in my mind. I was like I care for him and I enjoy being with him, but what are we doing? (Participant 5, Time 7, Fall 2016) After this last round of it, I’m kind of starting to realize it’s like not poisonous but it’s just not good. . . . We’re not good together, we always end up fighting and ending and as much as we like care about each other and always go back to each other, there’s a reason we keep breaking up. (Participant 8, Time 6, Fall 2016)
Posttraumatic Growth
Posttraumatic growth focused on the many changes women saw in themselves as a result of being in a relationship that was characterized by unhealthy and/or abusive dynamics. This growth was marked by two distinct characteristics: identity exploration and developing a strong sense of self.
Consistent with development perspectives of emerging adulthood, being in an intimate relationship and ending an intimate relationship provided an opportunity for women to engage in their own identity exploration, even when these relationships were characterized by unhealthy dynamics. Both the time leading up to leaving the relationship and the time after women had left the relationship provided unique opportunities for women to evaluate the person they were in the relationship and the person they wanted to be moving forward. After leaving these unhealthy relationships, many women reported feeling as though they had changed, either back to the person they were prior to being in the relationship or growing into a better version of themselves (e.g., happier, knowing what they want). Several women reported the importance of being single while engaging in this process of self-reflection and felt they needed the time and space away from being in a relationship with someone else to figure it all out: I’m way happier friend-wise this year, and school-wise, just now that I’m not focusing on him, or worried about him, and stressed about him. I always had to keep him updated or happy or whatever. I’ve been able to focus on so much more on myself, and . . . I think I’ve gotten my priorities straight now. (Participant 8, Time 3, Spring 2014) I was such a different person when I was dating him. I was, like no fun because I was scared to do everything . . . now I’m just more my own person. (Participant 1, Time 4, Spring 2015) Those like two years helped me. Those were my single years, that’s when I was able to find out what I needed for me. (Participant 11, Time 8, Spring 2017)
As part of identity development, women reported that navigating the relationship from beginning to end helped them develop a stronger sense of self and become more independent. It was quite common for women to feel that this relationship experience was a catalyst for their own self-growth and ending the relationship empowered them to reclaim their independence. From these early relationships, women were able to recognize that their self-worth does not need to be tied to someone else, that they are worthy of respect, and that happiness is not dependent on being in a relationship with someone else. In fact, after ending their relationship, many women felt as though they finally had breathing room to focus on themselves for the first time: I think this whole thing has kind of made me realize that it’s okay. So, I think that’s different from when I first started dating him. . . . I didn’t know if I was going to be okay by myself. (Participant 3, Time 6, Spring 2016) I think the major things that has changed is that I don’t mind being alone. I’m very independent . . . I gained my independence through this. (Participant 12, Time 6, Spring 2016) I’ve definitely changed, but I think I’ve become more of myself instead of changing away from who I used to be. I think I just became more of who I always was. (Participant 12, Time 8, Spring 2017)
Social Cognitive Maturity
Building on posttraumatic growth, social cognition is future-oriented and centers on how women see themselves in relationships moving forward. Moreover, social cognition emphasizes a woman’s capacity and desire to balance her own individual needs with that of her partner to create a fulfilling relationship (Norona, Roberson, et al., 2017). In the study, many women discussed their individual needs such as the need for autonomy and self-agency. Women also discussed their expectations for future relationships and often utilized their prior relationship as a cautionary guide for what they will do differently or not tolerate in the future. In doing so, many conveyed an intolerance for abuse and felt that they were now more cognizant and vigilant of “red flags” or problematic behaviors early on. Consistent with expectations in later stages of emerging adulthood, having a relationship that is compatible with one’s goals was the final component of social cognition (Shulman & Connolly, 2013). As the interviews progressed, women stressed the importance of balancing independence and interdependence and having a future orientation in terms of ideal partner.
As part of moving toward social cognitive maturity, women began to direct their focus away from their partner’s needs and onto their own. Two of the most common needs were a need for autonomy and more self-agency. Many women reported that over time their own identity began to be defined by their relationship. So much of their life was determined by their relationship, that it felt that they no longer had their own identity. After leaving these relationships, women reported feeling a greater need for autonomy. While women wanted relationships in the future, they yearned for a sense of individuality and wanted a relationship that would allow room for them: Not two people becoming one, like [a] couple that has to do everything together that revolves around each other. I feel like we should have separate lives which mingle together in various ways, but we respect each other as people and you know, we’re each our own person. We’re not defined as who we are as a couple. (Participant 5, Time 3, Fall 2014) Now I feel like I am much more independent, and I am much more my own person because when I was dating S before it wasn’t like C and S. It was CS, like we were one. . . . We pretty much lived together so there wasn’t really any like me and my friends time or him and his friends time. It was more just C and S. Now, I would say I am much more independent and my own person. Which I think is a good thing for my age. (Participant 13, Time 7, Fall 2016) Who we are in a relationship wouldn’t define me as a person. I’m able to be an individual outside of my relationship. (Participant 13, Time 8, Spring 2017)
Through the process of reconnecting with their identity and reclaiming their independence, many women felt that they had also developed a greater sense of self-agency. Women provided countless examples of how they had become better advocates for themselves, both as a single woman and as a woman in a new relationship. Women also reported more confidence in their ability to prioritize and better advocate for their own needs, which is central to recognizing that relationships require active efforts from both parties to balance individual needs with those of their partners (Norona, Robertson, et al., 2017). In fact, many felt more comfortable being direct and assertive, when in the past they were more reserved or tentative to avoid confrontation. Moving forward, women felt having clear boundaries, standing up for themselves, and not losing their individuality in the relationship were things they should advocate for and express to their partners in future relationships, because they recognized the detriment of not doing so in the past: But I gotta worry about myself, you know, emotionally and physically and know that I’m getting my needs taken care of and then, then seeing if he’s okay. In my past I was worried about him and not myself, and that took a lot out of me. It wasn’t right. (Participant 3, Time 2, Spring 2014) Trying to be more assertive for the things that I want and need out of a relationship instead of losing track of who I am in the process. (Participant 9, Time 6, Spring 2016) I think before too I never really spoke up for those things but like now if someone I was dating were to say something that offended me or was rude or whatever, I don’t have an issue being like “that’s not okay,” whereas before I would’ve been like I don’t want the confrontation like it’s fine kind of thing. (Participant 9, Time 8, Spring 2017)
As women discussed how they envisioned themselves in relationships moving forward, there was a significant focus on expectations in future intimate relationships and how their past relationship would serve as a guide for new or future relationships. A general intolerance for abusive behavior was one of the primary stipulations women discussed during their interviews as a nonstarter for future relationships. For some women, their past relationship served as a benchmark for unhealthy or abusive behavior, meaning they now had a clear understanding of what constitutes unhealthy or abusive behavior and would not overlook such behaviors moving forward. In earlier interviews, some women were less aware of abusive dynamics in their current relationship, and a smaller number of women had not yet identified their relationship as being unhealthy or abusive. However, after leaving those relationships, many women recalled being shocked when they realized they were in unhealthy, abusive, or unfaithful relationships because they truly believed it could never happen to them: The constant fighting, the yelling and name calling, the pushing, like that’s just not anything that I would ever tolerate again . . . there’s a point where it crosses the line, and I now know where that line is. (Participant 6, Time 3, Fall 2014) The spitefulness for sure . . . just all the constant going back and forth and arguing. . . . There’s just like a certain point where I think things are not fixable. (Participant 4, Time 8, Spring 2017) I’d always been the girl that would see things on TV or in health [class] when we would cover abusive relationships . . . and be like oh “I would never let a boy treat me like that, I would never go through those kinds of things” and then for me, it was a realization. . . . I had let myself go through these things for like 2 years and I never ever thought I would be that girl . . . but I know now I’ll never be that girl again. (Participant 9, Time 1, Fall 2013)
In addition to a growing intolerance for abuse dynamics, women also felt that they had become or would be more vigilant of red flags in relationships moving forward. Although most women reported that at some point friends or family members expressed a degree of concern over their partners’ problematic behaviors in their past relationship, many women reported that they were less attuned to these red flags or unwilling to acknowledge these warning signs. Many women felt that they were unaware of how bad their relationship was until they were out of it and felt that because of this, they needed to be more vigilant moving forward: I was like very blinded by love, but I was also young and didn’t have a lot of history with anyone else, so I didn’t really know what was wrong or what was right. It was a very controlling relationship and I know [now] that I’d never be in one of those again. . . . I guess it’s just like a lesson learned of something that I don’t want to do again. (Participant 8, Time 7, Fall 2016) It’s kind of terrifying that I was in the relationship for so long without realizing that it was that much of an issue I guess, that so much of it was bringing me more problems than happiness at the time. And so that has been something that going forward with this relationship I am extremely cognizant of. (Participant 5, Time 7, Fall 2016) I recognize these flaws in other people’s relationships and . . . I think that I really just would not tolerate it and like even looking back at my own story, I feel like I just definitely will not tolerate something like that again. (Participant 4, Time 8, Spring 2017)
The last components of social cognitive maturity that were prominent throughout the interviews were what we referred to as balancing independence with interdependence and the importance of an intimate partner with a future orientation. These two themes align with developmental milestones that one would expect later in emerging adulthood and coalesce around having a relationship that is compatible with one’s own goals, where both the relationship and the self are supported (Shulman & Connolly, 2013). In fact, during emerging adulthood it is not uncommon for individuals to fluctuate between only fulfilling the needs of their partner or their own individual needs (Norona, Olmstead, et al., 2017). Mastering the ability to balance and simultaneously fulfill individual needs and aspirations and those of a partner/relationship is something that develops over time (Shulman & Connolly, 2013). Therefore, it is not surprising that during the interviews immediately preceding women leaving their relationships, women routinely stressed the importance of independence, but as time passed, they expressed that interdependence is also important and hoped to find balance moving forward: Learning who we are individually, and then who we are as a couple, and how we have to make that work. (Participant 3, Time 3, Fall 2014) I think that in relationships, the couple, can have their own time and their own alone time, their own friend time. I think that’s like essential in a healthy relationship . . . if you get too dependent on one another . . . I just think it causes a lot of problems. (Participant 10, Time 4, Spring 2014) I’ve definitely made a lot of realizations about what I want in a relationship . . . what I think is important and what I value in a partner, what I should expect in a relationship and, you know, what the other person should expect from me. (Participant 5, Time 8, Spring 2017)
To be able to have a mutually rewarding relationship where they could balance independence and interdependence, women felt that they needed to have a partner with direction and a strong orientation toward the future. Throughout the 4 years of interviews, it was common for women to report that their previous partner often lacked motivation or did not have a clear picture of what they wanted in life, and women felt that this often held them back from pursuing their own dreams or was the cause of conflict in their relationship. Moving forward, women reported the importance of having a partner who knew what they wanted in terms of a relationship and a future. A significant component of this was also the importance of having a partner who had a positive outlook and was confident in themselves, as many women felt that the absence of these qualities in a partner hindered their ability to pursue their individual goals and aspirations: Someone with more of a sense of future because in high school, we were just worried about college, but now that we’re in college, we’re worried about a lot more and there’s just so many different factors that go into it. Someone with a bigger sense of what he wants to do with his life and his path and seeing if my path would go with that or stray from it. (Participant 12, Time 3, Fall 2014) For me . . . I realized I wanted someone who was aware of themselves as much as I was of myself, because he was really not matured yet in terms of emotionally knowing how to handle himself and knowing what he wanted in life. (Participant 5, Time 5, Fall 2015) Someone with more goals. I guess you can say just the fact that he’s not going to school and doing these little side jobs that aren’t going to get him anywhere. I want someone that knows what they’re doing and is going to try to be successful. (Participant 14, Time 3, Fall 2013)
Major Constitutive Pattern: Recognizing Resilience
The major constitutive pattern across all four themes (i.e., making sense of the relationship, recognizing needs, posttraumatic growth, and social cognitive maturity) could be understood through the concept of resilience, which we define as positive adaptation during and after experiencing adversity (Bonanno, 2004). As such, resilience involves a complex, dynamic, and malleable process that implies a series of actions or steps toward healing, adaptation, and coping. These steps include, but are not limited to, utilizing resource bases, fostering self-confidence, developing a sense of volition and autonomy, and contributing to others (Bonanno et al., 2008; Luthar & Cicchetti, 2000; Rutter, 2006). Resilience may also involve external (behaviors, caring and supportive family members and peers, supportive social structures) and internal (self-confidence, power of choosing and determining one’s circumstances) factors which may facilitate a sense of hope and connection with others (Joly & Connolly, 2019; Rutter, 2006). In the current study, women described how they utilized their external (e.g., social support systems) and internal resource bases (e.g., coping skills) to overcome their own challenges. They were also cognizant of their own personal growth and developing greater self-confidence and strength in setting boundaries in their relationships.
As a result, the women in the current study expressed feeling a sense of volition and autonomy (e.g., choice, power, self-determination) and utilized their past experiences to develop a sense of personal control over their relationships moving forward. From an empowerment perspective, this personal control seemed connected with a sense of independence and increased awareness. For some, this awareness translated into a desire to help others who were in unhealthy relationships. By drawing from their own experiences, women felt they had valuable knowledge to offer to peers who were in relationships characterized by abuse. These four interconnected elements of resilience became apparent throughout the interviews as women recognized their positive adaptation during and after the challenging relationships they faced. Recognizing resilience reinforced the four primary themes of the study and served as a foundation for understanding how early unhealthy relationships and unwanted sexual experiences influenced women in emerging adulthood.
Women in the current study attributed their ability to bounce back from adversity and move beyond their experiences to utilizing both external and internal sources of support. External supports included social relationships and therapeutic guidance whereas sources involved engagement in healthy activities and coping strategies. There was a degree of variance across the interviews as some women sought therapy and others found comfort and opportunities for personal growth in friendships or family. Indeed, many of the women discussed the importance of social connection and coping skills during their experiences of adversity. When women were asked what they learned about themselves from their experience in an unhealthy relationship, women reported making it through the unhealthy relationship by developing coping skills and establishing connections with others: I think a personal strength is the large group of friends I had. . . . I knew I could always go to them if I ever needed anything. Going through this situation allowed me to be closer to some of my sorority sisters. . . . I am very confident in who I am as a person and that helped me through it a lot. (Participant 13, Time 6, Spring 2016) I’ve been a really good student in the past and I let this take over for too long. That’s why I went and got help. . . . School’s very important . . . so I really needed to get my head out of that and focus on (my major). Participant 6, Time 5, Fall 2015) I’ve come to take better care of myself, knowing my limits and when I’m overdoing it. I’ve become a lot better at coping strategies. . . . I think it’s helped my relationships be more positive. I’m not as edgy in relationships and I’m just happier. (Participant 9, Time 5, Fall 2015)
By drawing upon sources of support, women recognized the importance of others and, simultaneously, themselves. Many women realized their worthiness and developed an internal reservoir of strength. They also reflected on how their self-confidence and strength evolved over time, ultimately empowering them to gravitate away from the unhealthy dynamics in their relationships and make decisions about what they would like and tolerate moving forward: I learned how to be confident in myself and that he is not the only person that would ever be able to love me in a relationship and that there’s so many other people out there. (Participant 13, Time 8, Spring 2017) I’m more able to vocalize who I am and the things I like and don’t like. Before, I was just trying to please D in a way that would make him happy. (Participant 9, Time 6, Spring 2016) I think in the beginning, before him, I wasn’t as strong as I am now. I was weak, I mean like I fell for him and I fell for everything he said and did. So, this whole like situation has made me a stronger person and able to like brush things off easier. I don’t let things like that like bother me or lose sleep and stuff like that anymore. (Participant 8, Time 5, Fall 2015)
Finally, when women were ready to move on from their prior relationship, they talked about finding a sense of control over the situation, taking power back, and using their stories to help others. Developing self-confidence and strength provided a sense of control over their own experiences and choices moving forward, ultimately empowering women to move past their unhealthy relationships. Many women expressed that they continued to positively adapt by shifting their attention away from the unhealthy relationship and toward personal goals, hopes, and beliefs for their future. For several women, this process corresponded with an inclination to help and support others in similar situations. As their awareness unfolded, they hoped their story and experiences would benefit, encourage, or strengthen others in challenging relationship dynamics. We presume that the complex process and recognition of resilience entailed a dynamic mechanism; for some women, their healing journey concluded with exploring the possibility of becoming a source of support for others: I feel like I have more respect for myself (now). I didn’t want to be treated the way I was, and it’s easier for me to walk away from it now if I felt like he wasn’t treating me the way he should be. (Participant 14, Time 4, Spring 2014) I learned that . . . I can be stronger than I thought, which is a good feeling because I feel like a lot of people in situations like that, like relationships, don’t feel like they can get out of it, but they can. (Participant 2, Time 5, Fall 2014) I’ve changed a lot. I pretty much laid down the law (to new partner) in the sense of don’t try to BS me. I’ve been through that, and now I’m much stronger. . . . I’m able to tell my story in the hopes that other women or people who are in a toxic abuse relationship know that you can get out if you want to. (Participant 2, Time 8, Spring 2016)
Discussion
Over the 4 years of the study, all women began to view themselves as resilient, and their perceptions of resilience were connected to how they navigated relationships during emerging adulthood. Many women did not identify themselves as resilient until quite some time after leaving the abusive relationship. Having the space to make sense of their prior relationship made women cognizant of the ongoing dysfunction and abuse endured, while also helping to shape their own needs and desires in relationships moving forward.
The current study underscores the importance of women taking time and space during their college experience for self-reflection and self-examination via talking to peers, learning about relationships in a classroom, and/or simply spending time alone thinking and reflecting. For women in the current study, it is possible that their participation in research and our research methodology (i.e., biannual interviews) acted as a vehicle for these young women to engage in self-reflection around their current or prior relationships, both during, before, and after interview sessions. In fact, several women reported during interviews that their participation would often make them think more in depth about their relationships and individual needs long after the interview. In addition, when women had concerns about a friend’s relationship, some reported that their participation in the study helped make them feel more comfortable and confident in voicing these concerns to peers. Since women in the study had the space and opportunity to process and practice talking about the difficult parts of their relationships, this may have empowered women to not only advocate for themselves, but also for their peers.
Whatever process of self-reflection women in the current study chose to utilize, they all seemed to come to terms with their unhealthy relationship, in that none of the women stayed in the relationship that screened them into the study. While a few women had subsequent unhealthy relationships, women generally reported having a better sense of what they were looking for in an intimate partner, their wants and needs from a relationship, and a better awareness of unhealthy behaviors and abuse dynamics in intimate relationships. However, a limitation of the current study is that it remains unclear as to whether women came to these realizations and engaged in this degree of self-reflection as part of a natural process of development during emerging adulthood or because they were prompted in the study to reflect back on their prior relationships.
Overall, women demonstrated social and emotional growth that coincides with developmental tasks during emerging adulthood, such as discovering who they are as an individual and what they want out of relationships. When reflecting on their prior relationships characterized by unhealthy or abusive dynamics, all women reported some degree of positive growth. Many women reported their initial relationship as a learning experience. For some women this meant the relationship was a learning experience in terms of navigating a relationship while managing multiple demands of school and adulthood, while others felt the relationship was a benchmark for what they would not tolerate in a relationship or partner moving forward. Although many women felt the process of ending or leaving their initial relationship was challenging and overwhelming, as time passed women often reported that they felt they became better at advocating for themselves and developed a stronger sense of self as a result of navigating this process. Since all women were screened into the current study for self-reported unhealthy or abusive dynamics in their relationships, women’s self-reflections and “lessons learned” might be markedly different from those of women leaving healthy relationships. For example, women in abusive relationships might feel as though they had no voice or were afraid to advocate for themselves in fear of their partner’s reaction, and the process of leaving an unhealthy relationship might be very empowering for women who felt that leaving was the first opportunity they had to advocate for themselves.
While the current study provided an opportunity to longitudinally examine college women’s development during emerging adulthood through the context of unhealthy intimate relationships, there are several limitations. First, the sample of women in the current study is small (n = 13) and homogeneous in terms of race/ethnicity and sexual orientation. Future research should examine how abusive relationships affect development during emerging adulthood for men, racially diverse individuals, and individuals in same-sex relationships. Also, participants were screened in based on prior experiences of abuse perpetrated by a man; therefore, we do not know how abuse perpetrated by a woman impacts men’s development during this developmental period. Second, we utilized a college sample for our study; therefore, it is important to recognize contextual differences between college women during emerging adulthood and young women who are not in college. For example, college women might have greater access to resources than non-college emerging adults. Living with peers in college might also provide easier access to social supports and could make leaving an unhealthy relationship easier than for women who are more isolated or who live with their intimate partner. Finally, although qualitative interviews provide an opportunity to explore in great detail how unhealthy relationships during emerging adulthood are experienced and perceived by college women, it may be that the interviews themselves had an intervention effect. At some point during the study, the vast majority of women reported a time when they felt they could not talk to friends or family about their relationship out of fear of judgment, making it likely that for some, the interviews had a cathartic effect because it provided women with an opportunity to retell their experiences in an explicitly non-judgmental environment. In addition, women were prompted by interviewers to reflect on their prior relationships, so it may also be that the interview provided space to talk through issues that might otherwise have been instinctively avoided or that they gave an opportunity to think and make sense of their own experiences and relationships in a deeper and different way than they would as part of a natural process of development.
In addition, while there was a nearly 50% attrition rate after women consented to participate in the qualitative study, there are multiple explanations as to why this occurred that are worth mentioning. First, the study involved a significant time commitment (i.e., meeting for 1-hr-long interviews every semester of college, totaling 8-hr-long interviews over 4 years) and the incentives for participating in the study may not have been enticing enough for some women to consider or continue participation. Second, to be respectful of women, we did not use intensive or invasive methods to retain women. Women were contacted via a phone call or email, and after three attempts with no response, there was no further follow-up at the time or the following semester. Finally, it is also important to consider that after becoming aware of the true scope of the study, attrition may be attributed to the fact that some women may not have been ready to talk about the unhealthy dynamics of their relationships, particularly if they did not yet identify their relationship as problematic or unhealthy. In fact, it was not uncommon in initial interviews for women to be less aware of the abuse dynamics in their relationships, but after leaving and gaining distance from the relationship, the same women identified their own denial of just how bad their relationship was.
During emerging adulthood individuals are simultaneously confronted with achieving critical developmental tasks (e.g., identity development), navigating complex and interrelated decisions around intimate relationships, education, and careers, and adapting to a world characterized by increased social and economic uncertainties (Shulman & Connolly, 2013). Therefore, in terms of future directions and implications, it is important for researchers and educators to recognize the role college plays in emerging adulthood. Students enter college at the beginning of emerging adulthood and graduate college toward the end of this developmental period. For many individuals, college is where the exploration and achievement of various developmental tasks for emerging adulthood occurs. While our study suggests that even students who come to college in unhealthy relationships are able to find their way, it could be beneficial for universities to provide more guidance in navigating relationships during this developmental period. Our findings suggest that programs, or even courses, that teach important life skills, including assertive communication, understanding characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, balancing one’s needs with the needs of one’s partner, and so forth could be useful to many young women, as well as men, entering college.
In sum, emerging adulthood is a time characterized by many changes and developmental milestones, including intimate relationships. Given that many intimate relationships during this time period are characterized by IPV, our study focused on how women make meaning of these experiences over the course of their 4 years in college. Guided by HHP, four primary themes were uncovered: (a) making sense of the relationship; (b) recognizing needs in the relationship; (c) posttraumatic growth; and (d) social cognitive maturity. The major constitutive pattern that encompassed all four themes was how over time women recognized their own resilience, defined as positive adaptation during and after experiencing adversity. This process includes utilizing external and internal resources, fostering self-confidence, developing a sense of volition and autonomy, and contributing to others. Resilience was also connected to women’s perceptions of themselves as a young woman navigating relationships and coordinating the balancing of individual needs and those of their partner and negotiating relational commitments with personal aspirations. These findings point to the critical importance of programming for young women that focuses on the acquisition of life skills to help navigate the challenges of relationships in emerging adulthood, especially those characterized by IPV, and how to support peers who may be going through relationship challenges as well.
Footnotes
Acknowledgements
The authors would like to express their appreciation to the women who bravely told their stories and set aside time each semester during their undergraduate education to make this study possible. The authors would also like to express their appreciation to the research assistants who oversaw participant scheduling, recruitment, and data management: Lauren Guetling, Kelsey Evans, and Tina Cannon. They would also like to express their thanks to the undergraduate research assistants who transcribed participant interviews for this study: Kelly Palmer, Chloe Flanagan, Beka Walker, Danielle Blevens, Amy Winkler, McKenzie Dow, and Kennedy Nickerson. They would also like to thank Jane Stapleton for her assistance in conducting participant interviews.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
