Black and Blue Butterflies: The Transformative Journeys of Mothers Who Lost a Child to Suicide

Abstract

The purpose of this study is to understand the experience of mothers who lost a child to suicide, and how they have learned to cope with their devastating loss. The study is grounded in transformative learning (TL) theory; the study design combined narrative inquiry and the first author’s autoethnographic experience. Data collection consisted of two sets of semi-structured interviews with each of the participants, and narrative analysis combined with thematic analysis revealed five interrelated themes regarding how the mothers learned to cope and move forward after their loss: experiencing distress, trying to make sense, making use of meaningful sources of comfort, taking action, and deepening reflection through metaphor and autoethnographic sharing. A concluding discussion offers implications for TL theory around extremely emotional events and the changing circumstances brought on by suicide loss.

Keywords

transformative learning suicide autoethnography emotions

Learning During a Suicide Epidemic

Every year 800,000 people die by suicide, and among 15–29-year-olds it is the second leading cause of death worldwide (World Health Organization, 2019). In the United States (U.S.), suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for all ages, the second leading cause of death among those aged 10–34 (Hedegaard et al., 2018). A conservative estimate of six people are intimately impacted by each suicide and suffer major life disruptions due to the death (Drapeau & McIntosh, 2020). These individuals who were closest to the deceased are referred to as suicide loss survivors or suicide bereaved.

Suicide deaths are rising among all segments of the population, and the most alarming increase is among our population’s youth. In the U.S., the suicide rate of individuals aged 10–24 increased 57.4% between 2007 and 2018 (Curtin, 2020). There was a 178% increase in the suicide rate for 10–14-year-olds from 2007 to 2017 (Curtin & Heron, 2019). The increase in deaths of these young people suggests that many of those bereaved will be their parents. Despite the surge in suicides worldwide, research focused on the suicide bereaved is, unfortunately, lagging (Maple et al., 2014). It is an important area of study within adult education, since there is a particular kind of learning that happens through grief and loss in general, and suicide loss in particular. However, within the field of adult education only one study (Sands & Tennant, 2010) was found dealing with the experience of suicide loss, though there are a few studies related to grief and loss (Moon, 2011; Mälkki, 2012).

Losing a child is one of the most devastating of all human experiences (Worden, 2018) and is the most stressful event a woman can endure (Miller & Rahe, 1997). Despite the destructive impact of child loss, few studies focus on the experience of parents after the death of a child (Stroebe et al., 2006). Losing a child to suicide has additional complications associated with stigma and guilt (Sudak et al., 2008). This study brings attention to this neglected demographic and draws partly on the autoethnographic experience of Whalen who, in 2017, became a suicide loss survivor when her 23-year-old son died by suicide. Hence in what follows, the pronoun “I” specifically refers to the experience of Whalen.

As a bereaved mother and as an educator, I quickly discovered an appalling lack of resources available to assist individuals in the aftermath of a suicide. To navigate through this horrific time, I relied on the support of other mothers who had experienced a child’s suicide. None of these women were formal educators, but they were adult learners, and they taught me the most important lesson in life—how to survive. This informal learning, while immensely vital, mostly goes unnoticed because it is difficult to recognize (Merriam & Baumgartner, 2020). From the adult education perspective, there is potential to learn volumes from these individuals who as of yet have been an untapped source of knowledge.

Since transformative learning (TL) revolves around the process of change in an individual’s taken-for-granted frame of reference or worldview to make the worldview more inclusive (Mezirow, 2012), this learning theory seems naturally aligned to study the drastic change in a mother’s perspective after the suicide of a child. Transformative learning is a complex theory that acknowledges learning opportunities during the messiness and chaos of life, and there are many different strands of the theory outlined by numerous authors who draw on Mezirow’s (2000) initial description of the theory (Cranton, 2016; Dirkx, 2012; Taylor & Cranton, 2012). Grounded in these discussions of TL, the purpose of this study is to understand the experience of mothers who lost a child to suicide, in particular how they have learned to cope with their devastating loss. The following research questions guided this study:

1. How does engaging in discourse aid in learning to move forward after a suicide loss of a child?

2. What factors facilitate critical reflection after a suicide loss of a child?

3. To what extent can the learning that takes place after a suicide loss of a child be considered transformative?

Suicide Bereavement and Maternal Bereavement

The empirical studies of suicide bereaved individuals reveal there are unique challenges associated with losing someone by suicide. The question of “why” permeates survivors’ thoughts which causes them to be prone to feelings of extreme guilt and that they were somehow responsible for their loved one’s act or that they could have prevented it (Ross et al., 2018). Those bereaved also experience societal stigmatization due to the nature of their loved one’s death (Feigleman et al., 2009; Pitman et al., 2016). Suicide loss support groups provide a space where survivors feel safe to talk freely about their loss, express emotions, and feel normal (Groos & Shakespeare-Finch, 2013; Wilson & Marshall, 2010). Being supported by individuals who have lived this experience has helped individuals avoid succumbing to suicide themselves (Dransart, 2017; Miklin et al., 2019).

Maternal bereavement is a particularly intense form of grief. Li et al. (2005) show that the risk of hospitalization for psychiatric disorders increases for parents who have lost a child, and bereaved mothers were found to have a higher risk of hospitalization than bereaved fathers. Feelings of guilt and anger (Aho et al., 2012; Martinčeková & Klatt, 2017) and suicidal ideation (Harper et al., 2011; Lewin & Farkas, 2012) are prominent components of maternal bereavement. Espinosa and Evans (2013) used statistical data from the Census, Current Population Survey, and the National Death Index to investigate the maternal bereavement effect, which is the heightened mortality of a woman after the death of a child. The findings suggest that a mother’s mortality increases by 133% after the death of a child overall, and by 326% within the first 2 years of a child’s death. While one never recovers from losing a child, some mothers are able to make meaning of their devastating loss in a way that is transformative.

Transformative Learning

Mezirow’s (2000, 2012) TL theory is a well-known learning theory within adult education. Mezirow posits a ten-phase process, that include the following among the 10 phases: the learner experiences a disorienting dilemma; often deals with feelings of anger, guilt, and shame; critically reflects on their underlying assumptions, and that eventually results in a changed perspective or worldview. While these phases have not changed since the inception of this learning theory, the suggestion of a linear progression has been questioned. Considering the complex nature of changing one’s worldview, these phases can occur in a non-linear and less-predictable way than this theory’s original sequence (Alhadeff-Jones, 2012; Taylor, 2000).

The TL process is triggered by disorienting dilemmas, which serve to challenge assumptions. If increasing knowledge or skills does not serve to integrate this new experience into the current perspective, then, according to Mezirow (2000) one must critically reflect on their reaction of the situation. Transformative learning maintains that adult learning is grounded in the nature of human connection and therefore discourse dialogue with others is another important element of this theory (Cranton, 2016). This communication with others provides an opportunity to evaluate our beliefs, feelings, and values from a different point of view. Transformation occurs when we recognize the difference between our previous and new viewpoints and decide to embrace the newer viewpoint as being more valuable.

Despite the importance and popularity of TL as originally conceptualized by Mezirow (1978), there are many critiques of the theory, not the least of which is the significance of emotion, and “soul” in adult learning (Dirkx, 2012) and in the TL process. Malkki (2012) further discussed the significance of emotion in her study of women who suffer with infertility and found that the role of emotions was central to the critical reflection process. Hathaway (2017) explored the transformative learning that occurs during ecological crisis and observed an emotional component to the process that empowered the learners and provides a sense of hope. Dirkx (2006) acknowledges that powerful emotions fuel transformative experiences and suggests the use of emotion-laden imagery to facilitate transformative learning.

According to Cranton and Taylor (2012), much TL literature has “a strong deterministic emphasis of capturing transformative experiences and replicating transformative pedagogy in various settings, while overlooking the need for more in-depth theoretical analysis, including Mezirow’s perspective as well as new and emerging perspectives” (p. 12). More theoretical analysis seems warranted around some dimensions of TL, including the role of emotions in complicated and very serious disorienting dilemmas like the suicide death of a child. Further, Tisdell (2012) notes there is also a dearth of TL studies or theoretical reflection regarding, “two very fundamental aspects of human life that…are intricately related to the most significant of transformative learning experiences: love and death” (p. 27). Taylor (2017) further highlights that as “most studies continue to overlook the affective component” of critical reflection (p. 85). Taylor and Cranton (2012) additionally also suggest we, “pay particular attention to voices on the margins—voices of transformative experiences that are often overlooked and inadequately understood” (p. 572).

Love, death, a life crisis, the affective component of critical reflection, and a marginalized population are all central components of this study and therefore will address the previously mentioned critiques of the current research and could aid in expanding understandings of deeply personal yet universal experiences. Only one study of suicide loss survivors utilized TL as a framework (Sands & Tennant, 2010), though Moon (2011) does examine the grief of older adults dealing with death and loss, and Malkki (2012) does examine the grief of involuntarily childless women.

The intersection of TL, Suicide Loss, and Maternal Bereavement

Mothers as a distinct group of suicide loss survivors have been the focus of few empirical studies. Sugrue et al. (2014) explored the meaning of seven mothers’ shattered assumptions, loss of faith, and intense prolonged grief after their children’s suicide deaths. Shields et al. (2019) chronicled how four mothers came to make-meaning of their loss and the role of support groups in their healing journeys. Kawashima and Kawano (2017) explored the meaning reconstruction process of one mother after her son’s suicide death. All three studies focused on the mothers’ meaning-making process; however, none used the TL theory framework, and all were conducted with participants outside of the U.S. Exploring surviving mothers’ meaning-making process through the lens of TL would provide an opportunity to further explore, refine, or expand on this important and complex learning theory. It would also aid in better understanding the needs of this marginalized demographic.

Methodology

This study utilized an autoethnographic narrative approach to explore the experience of mothers bereaved by the suicide of a child. Narrative analysis complements TL because stories allow us to make meaning of our life experiences (Merriam & Kim, 2012). As Wertz et al. (2011) note, “stories are played out in the context of other stories that may include societies, cultures, families, or other intersecting plotlines in a person’s life” (p. 224). It is only in retrospect that we can better piece together our perspective with other elements such as the context and others’ accounts to make meaning (Freeman, 2015).

Given that I (Whalen) too am a suicide loss survivor, the study utilized an autoethnographic-inspired approach which enables researchers to use their personal experiences to describe and critique beliefs, practices, and experiences with the purpose of better understanding the group and themselves (Adams et al., 2014). The autoethnographic component of this study has been discussed in detail elsewhere (Whalen, 2020), so this article focuses primarily on the narrative inquiry aspect of this study.

The study made use of a purposeful sampling to better understand the research question (Creswell & Creswell, 2018). Coincidentally, the mothers that agreed to participate in this study had all lost a son (not a daughter) to suicide. The prevalence of male suicides in this study may be due to the gender differences in suicide statistics. Women are 1.4 times more likely to attempt suicide, yet men die by suicide 3.6 times more often than women (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 2020). The time since the mothers in this study lost their sons ranged from 3 to 16 years. The sons they lost ranged in age from 13 to 24 years old.

Data Collection

The primary sources of data were two separate interviews with each of the four participants who were provided with the questions prior to the initial interview. Given that we would be discussing the most traumatic event in their lives, I presumed participants would be more comfortable receiving the questions in advance (Dyregrov, 2004). The mothers interviewed for this study had been tremendously helpful to me when I entered the world of suicide survivorship. We had already shared parts of our stories with one another prior to our first interview, so they already understood how I was impacted by the suicide loss of my son. When conducting research on sensitive topics, self-disclosing information about shared experiences can improve rapport and trust between the researcher and participants (Dempsey et al., 2016).

During the initial interview I asked questions about their worldviews before and after the death of their child. I also inquired about sources of comfort, support, and any other means with which they learned to move forward after their loss. Throughout the interviews, emotions took center stage and ran the gamut from joy (recalling their sons’ early childhood) to heartbreak (revisiting the exact moment that plunged them into the depths of despair) to hope (realizing that they can survive because they were not alone on this journey). Participants were also asked to provide a metaphor that describes their current worldview. Metaphors are a useful tool for women to construct meaning and express their emotional burdens (Fullagar & O’Brien, 2012; Hoggan, 2014).

After the first interview, in following Connelly and Candinin’s (1990) approach to narrative analysis I used the process of re-storying to re-write the participants’ narratives in light of the TL theoretical framework of the study. From an autoethnographic perspective, the interview process and data analysis enabled me to gain more perspective on my own experience (Adams et al., 2014), which then afforded a better understanding of the experience of other mothers who lost a child to suicide. Following the re-storied narratives, I wrote reflections on what I learned from this process. Each participant was provided a copy of her respective narrative, which included my autoethnographic reflections of our shared experiences. During a second interview participants offered further reflections regarding deeper insights gained from their participation in this study.

Analysis

I utilized open coding during my initial analysis of the interview transcripts as it allows a researcher to be expansive in identifying themes while not restricting any possibility during early analysis (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). These codes were then grouped for their similarity, and ultimately, I selected participant quotes to represent each of the identified themes. As a mother who has lost a child to suicide, I acknowledge my positionality makes me prone to an inherent bias towards the data. As such, this study had an autoethnographic element. Riessman (2015) aptly describes reflexivity as “a hall of mirrors that illuminates a social phenomenon from many angles” (p. 233). By combining my personal experience with the participants’ experiences, I can explore our shared experiences from different angles and provide a unique view of the learning that takes place after losing a child to suicide. Further, Tisdell, who was an advisor on the project, examined the data in relation to both the re-storied narratives and the themes of findings. The involvement of Tisdell in the data analysis component throughout the study served as a form of investigator triangulation and increased the dependability of the findings (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016).

Findings

Given that the autoethnographic component of the study have been discussed elsewhere (Whalen, 2020), the findings presented here focus on the themes of findings as opposed to a detailed presentation of the narratives due to space limitations. The thematic data analysis revealed four significant interrelated themes of findings primarily related to the first interview: experiencing distress, trying to make sense, finding meaningful sources of comfort, and taking action. A fifth finding became apparent through the second interview: deepening reflection through metaphor and autoethnographic sharing.

Experiencing Distress

The first theme centers on the anguish experienced from losing a child suddenly to suicide. Participants explain the immediate trauma and the ongoing psychological pain of losing a child in this shocking way. The distress manifested through a range of disturbing emotions, a desire to stop living, and self-isolation. Gail describes the dire hopelessness as “sitting on death row waiting for my turn.” Deb vividly describes transitioning through the entrance point into this new reality as, “your heart being ripped out, your whole world shattering—to the point where you can’t even breathe.”

The guilt associated with suicide deaths is compounded for mothers. As Betsy explains, “I do have guilt…because he was my kid and I couldn’t save him, and I tried.” Even with counseling and others reinforcing that we are not to blame, the societal expectations that have been ingrained in us as women override any such logical responses. As Samantha explains, “I know it’s not my fault, but that doesn’t matter because it’s still our fault.” I also concur with this seemingly contradictory sentiment. I know that I cannot fully control someone’s actions because if I could, my son would still be alive. I also feel my role as a mother rests blame on me, which leaves me, like Samantha, in a state of cognitive dissonance. This guilt is a burden that is complex and not easily eradicated.

Trying to Make Sense

There are so many questions that circulate in the mothers’ minds about what their child was thinking in those final days, hours, minutes, and seconds. The foremost question that is constantly revisited is Why? These mothers live in a liminal space in between their previous normal worlds and this new reality which feels like an alternate universe. In a moment, their lives were irrevocably changed and there is no rhyme or reason in this new world. Samantha acknowledges that she along with other survivors have an endless number of questions regarding their loved one’s motives and choices, but she reluctantly concedes, “We are never going to find the answers. . .even if someone did leave a note, the validity of it means nothing in the frame of mind they were in when they wrote it.”

The participants’ spiritual foundation cracked under the weight of their new life circumstance. Betsy struggled as she explained, “We do have faith—I was raised in church—but DAMN IT God, WHY?” Not only did they feel condemned by God, but others exacerbated their pain by supporting that notion. As Gail explains:

I’ve had people tell me that this was God’s way of punishing me…if I lived a better life, this would not have happened. And I felt that way. I thought maybe I am not a good person and maybe this is what He did.

Closure eludes us even as we arrive at the understanding that our questions will remain unanswered.

Finding Meaningful Sources of Comfort

After the funeral, the mothers felt alone as friends and family returned to their normal lives while they were now left in a state of shock and despair. The meaningful sources of support came mainly from others who were also bereaved by suicide. Gail describes the first time she heard other suicide loss survivors talking about their experience as amazingly validating: “I was so shocked to find out what other people had to say made sense $—$ these people understand this!” Deb describes the impact of being supported by someone who has lost a child to suicide: “The part that’s so profound is, they don’t have to say anything.” Samantha explains, “I felt safe. My words weren’t going to be judged.”

Gail spent a decade shunning church because of the callousness of her minister’s reaction to her son’s death. She recently resurrected her spiritual side by forging a new type of spiritual relationship and explains, “that helped me have peace within myself and accepting what’s happened and that I can continue to talk with Kyle and I believe that I will see him one day, I really do.” Betsy also reminds herself that the separation is temporary, albeit painful: “I know where he is, and I know he’s out of pain. And I know I will see him again someday.”

Taking Action

Having experienced extreme trauma that nearly destroyed them, each of these women instinctively sought a way to help ease the pain of others. These actions also helped comfort them by providing a healthy outlet for their pain. Gail explained that early in her grief process she was drawn to volunteer for causes that involved children or the death of a child: “I just wanted to do SOMETHING to just try to make someone else feel better.”

Almost immediately following her son’s death, Samantha channeled her grief by undertaking a massive fundraising effort for a suicide prevention organization. She explains, “I got a group together, we entered a walk and raised $42,000.” Within three short years, that total climbed to over $120,000. All these mothers now take part in outreach efforts to help ease the pain that they know all too well. The altruistic acts performed by these mothers who endured life’s cruelest blow, exemplifies the pinnacle of human compassion.

Deepening Reflection Through Autoethnographic Sharing and Metaphor

Being a survivor of suicide loss allowed me to have a conversation with the participants about our respective losses and as such we were engaging in dialogue which led to further meaning making about our roles as survivors. Reviewing the interview transcripts fostered further reflection for me regarding the circumstances surrounding my son’s death. I added these reflections to the narratives of the participants. Upon reading their words and my reflection on their words, the image of their lives seems to shift into sharp focus. Gail explains how this process helped her to look at her life differently:

Reading my own story, I’m looking back, and I’m thinking, Wow, I am pretty strong! I have done this. That was me. And with your input it, it just validates it more. I don’t think we realize how strong we really are.

For Samantha reading her own words was a surreal experience that caused her to pause, reflect, and process:

I had to go back and reread it a few times—thinking it was somebody else’s story, but then to mentally process this is me—I almost had to just keep reading it to believe it. I think I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

The participants experienced another wave of critical reflection, which was set into motion by their participation in this study. They began to appreciate the level of progress they have made since their worlds came to a screeching halt. Similarly, I also came to a new dimension of meaning as a result of talking to them a second time, engaging in dialogue, and thinking further about their narratives.

Using metaphors also enabled participants to reflect deeper and explain their enigmatic new worlds using more readily accessible ideas. The metaphors created by the participants paint colorful diverse landscapes from the dark depths of Hell to the peaceful glow of the sky at dawn.

I also constructed a metaphor inspired by my initial interview with Deb. She spoke about her excitement when she sees black and blue-colored butterflies. Their sight represents a message from her son who passed away over 16 years ago. The words black and blue invoked imagery of a bruise on the skin that is very tender and in the process of healing but not quite there yet. This reflection led me to the idea that black and blue butterflies are a metaphor for women who have suffered the loss of a child to suicide. We have been battered and bruised during our struggles to transition to our new state of being. The effort put forth to evolve is never fully seen by others, much like the hidden work that occurs in the butterfly’s cocoon. Of this metaphor, Deb said, “It actually made me cry.” She was amazed that her words could invoke such an idea in another person. This process has motivated her to intensify her own reflective practice. “I was only skimming the surface, kind of like the iceberg. You only see what’s right above the surface, but there’s so much more below.”

Discussion

The findings offer new insight for TL and will be considered in light of the research questions. First is the emotive-rational dimension of this event and potentially dealing with it as a TL experience that no one ever desires to have. Second is the role of autoethnographic sharing and the re-storying member check that was part of the methodology that facilitated momentum reflection in the process. Third is the metamorphosis over time dimension in relationship to this unwanted event.

The Emotive-Rational Dimension of TL and Suicide Loss

Dealing with the loss of a child by suicide is obviously an extremely emotional experience for mothers. Emotions are not secondary in such an experience but are at the forefront. While many have written about the role of emotions in learning (Dirkx, 2006; 2012; Hathaway, 2017) and in discussing “extrarational” dimensions of TL (Taylor & Cranton, 2012; Cranton, 2016) emotions are at the center of any kind of learning connected to suicide loss, which we believe that the term “extrarational” ignores. While we recognize that emotions are not the only component which makes these unwanted events potential opportunities for TL, it is extremely important for those bereaved to feel these emotions before they will ever be able to experience the loss as a potentially transformative event. As Dirkx (2006) notes, “imaginative approaches to emotion and affect are beginning to supplement reliance on critical reflection and analysis as a means of furthering deep and potentially transformative experiences” (p. 24).

With the above as background, we can now address the first research question: How does engaging in discourse aid in learning to move forward after a suicide loss of a child? Mezirow (2012) has argued that the process of shaping our perspectives comes about through rational discourse, which involves evaluating beliefs, feelings, and values from the point of view of a particular frame of reference. When engaging in rational discourse, preconceived notions are set aside to attempt to objectively analyze an argument and critically examine the assumptions behind the evidence (Mezirow, 2012). The term emotive-rational discourse instead of rational discourse, more aptly incorporates the intense emotional component of such dialogic exchanges amongst mothers who lost a child to suicide. Putting the word “emotive” before “rational” is intentional and indicates that the emotional aspect happens first, before one can even begin to think of making sense of the event. This term acknowledges that complicated emotions must be dealt with, and at the same time that part of the healing also involves dialogue and discourse of making sense which is a rational process but one that cannot be separated from emotions. Two of the discussed themes of the findings describe how these mothers learned from others via emotive-rational discourse dialogue: meaningful sources of comfort and taking action. Talking and listening to other suicide loss survivors was an incredibly profound and validating experience because as demonstrated in other studies (Mayton & Wester, 2018; McMenamy et al., 2008), outsiders cannot fully comprehend the experience and all its emotions.

Taylor and Cranton (2012) note the debate about different philosophical approaches to TL when it involves discussions of emotion and reason: “we need to cease the discussion of rationality as a separate entity, because the very existence of rationality is rooted in the presence of emotion, without which it cannot exist” (p. 566), a point that Cranton (2016) takes up in further in her last book along with an appeal for the re-integration of the theoretical strands of TL. The emotional component of the learning of these mothers should be emphasized and honored in a way that Mezirow’s original approach alone, and even Cranton’s (2016) more integrated approach cannot provide. Hence, we use the term emotive-rational discourse in lieu of Mezirow’s term rational discourse to emphasize the importance of the affective component of such communications.

English and Irving (2012) note the mention of emotions within empirical studies of TL are practically nonexistent yet, “Naming and working with emotion can be key to facilitating the learning of women” (p. 252). Mälkki (2010) proposed building on Mezirow’s theory by addressing the biological challenges associated with reflection during emotional circumstances and Perry (2021) called for using Heron’s whole person theory to bolster the theory’s understanding of affect in the learning process. While many in the field have talked about the role of emotions in adult learning or TL (Cranton, 2016) this study demonstrated intense emotions of love and grief provided a power source for a TL journey, and as Mälkki (2012) implies powerful emotions may be central to critical reflection when dealing with loss. Tisdell (2012) further notes, that thus far in the field there has been limited attention to the Big Questions of life, and to the most transformative experiences of love and death. Mothers who suffer the suicide loss of a child are immediately drawn to these very questions. The women in this study search for the meaning of their sons’ lives and the purpose for their own lives amid the most tragic of circumstances. In doing so, they have used their newly enhanced empathetic muscles to do the heavy lifting involved in making the world a more hospitable place for those who suffer. While one cannot conclude that all women who have lost a child to suicide do this, it was true of these women. As Sealy (2012) notes, when we find meaning in our suffering, we can heal our pain and “free energy for the pursuit of justice, peace, and joy” (p. 41). More studies about these types of transformations would add further gravitas to TL theory and perhaps led to offshoots of the framework that foreground the importance of emotions.

Reflection Momentum Through Auto/Ethnographic Sharing

The mothers in this study welcomed the opportunity to engage in dialogue with me because, as evidenced in other studies, participation allowed them to process their feelings while talking about their loved one, and help others (Ryan et al., 2013; Sands & Tennant, 2010). It also offered an opportunity to continue making sense as they read their re-storied narratives and offered further comments on them. This was a continued aspect of the emotive-rational process.

In considering the second research question: What factors facilitate critical reflection after a suicide loss of a child?, as Mezirow (2000) notes, critical reflection plays an important role in evaluating of our own assumptions. This deep level of self-reflection has the power to change our worldviews by enabling us to make meaning of our new circumstances. Two themes of the findings from the first interview explain the impetus of these mothers’ critical reflection: experiencing distress and trying to make sense. Their critical reflection was triggered by distressful emotions and then fostered by supportive others. By engaging in emotive-rational discourse with supportive others, these mothers could start critically reflecting on their new circumstances. The findings echo Shields et al.’s (2019) study regarding the importance of having safe places and empathetic individuals to assist in the process of reflection and arrive at the understanding that they were not responsible for their child’s deaths.

But the fifth finding on the deepening reflection from metaphor and the autoethnographic sharing deserves further comments. Kasl and Yorks (2012) consider presentational ways of knowing such as metaphor use akin to “epistemological bridges” as they can help “transform tacit knowledge and emotional experience into concepts and principles” (p. 504). Metaphors can also be used to demonstrate critical reflection and evaluate TL (Cranton & Hoggan, 2012), and Hoggan (2014) shows how breast cancer survivors used metaphors in facilitating their transformative learning. Several metaphors in the autoethnographic contributions to this study resonated in a significantly profound way with the study participants, and it enabled them to create their own metaphors and for all of us to make further meaning of our collective experience.

Metamorphosis via Suicide Loss

This takes us to the final research question: To what extent can the learning that takes place after a suicide loss of a child be considered transformative? The catalyst for TL is a sudden or dramatic experience that constitutes a life crisis (Mezirow, 2000). The complex grief associated with suicide loss coupled with the intense trauma of losing a child, creates the perfect storm of disorienting dilemmas and has the potential to catapult someone to incomprehensible levels of TL. While there are many iterations of TL, the theoretical framework of the study was primarily grounded in Mezirow’s original theory. Although his original framework is most suited to meet the needs of this study, it is still lacking in some areas and must adjust to fit the unique needs of mothers who are suicide loss survivors.

As previously discussed, the participants demonstrated engagement in emotive-rational discourse and critical reflection which ultimately led to their TL experiences. Mezirow (2012) explains the final phase of TL is “reintegration into one’s life based on conditions dictated by one’s new perspective” (p. 86). One commonality shared among all the participants, is a motivation to ease the discomfort of others. Their acts of service do not erase the pain of their loss, but rather provides some solace knowing their sons’ deaths were not in vain. Their new worldview is full of unanswered questions, yet they move forward knowing they will never fully understand in this lifetime why they and their sons had to endure such circumstances. Their former views of the world were more pleasing, but in retrospect they can see how limited in scope those perspectives had been. They are now equipped with a more comprehensive worldview that includes the prevalence of different types of human suffering. This new perspective moves them to find ways to alleviate the distress of others.

Conclusion

The mothers in this study did indeed experience transformative learning, but the importance of their transformations is not in what they have learned but rather what they have become. The combination of experiences, self-reflections, and insight from others provided them with an understanding that supersedes the traditional realm of knowledge and enters into the sphere of wisdom. They are living proof that new life can flourish even in the rubble of destruction.

While there are obvious limitations to the study, not the least of which is the fact that there are only five suicide loss survivors that are part of the study, the study nevertheless offers some insight on mothers’ experience of suicide loss, as well as for TL theory. This research is meaningful because it adds new knowledge into the field of TL as it demonstrates the interplay of discourse dialogue and critical reflection and how they may facilitate TL during intensely emotion-laden experiences. This study also serves to broaden the knowledge base of lifelong learning and adult education. Empirical research on suicide bereavement has traditionally been confined to the fields of death studies, psychiatry, and public health. The adult education realm can offer a new valuable perspective by creating programming to meet the unique needs of suicide loss survivors. While more research is needed, this study makes an important contribution to what we know about mothers as suicide loss survivors and how they can potentially recover and make meaning of their incredible loss, and potentially engage in transformative learning.

Footnotes

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

ORCID iD

Gina C. Whalen

Author Biographies

Gina C. Whalen is Assistant Teaching Professor of Business at Penn State University – Schulykill. She writes in the area of suicide loss, transformative learning, and engaging teaching pedagogies for adult learners. Contact info: email: gck101@psu.edu; phone: 570-385-6085

Elizabeth J. Tisdell is Distinguished Professor of Lifelong Learning and Adult Education at Penn State University—Harrisburg. She writes in the area of the intersection of spirituality and culture, transformative learning, pilgrimage, feminist and critical pedagogy, critical media literacy, and medical education. Dr Tisdell is also a part time Associate Chaplain at the Penn State Hershey Medical Center in Hershey Contact information: Email: ejt11@psu.edu; phone: 717– 579-8835

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