Talking about Life-Threatening Illness

To face a terminal illness means to acknowledge that you are coming to the end of your life. You might experience many different, even contradicting, emotions such as anxiety, fear, uncertainty, denial, hope, withdrawal, or a combination of these. If you, as a relative or close friend, find out that a person you love is suffering from an incurable disease, a difficult time may lie ahead. Even if you, in your mind, accept eventual death, your heart might not be able to cope with this fact for some time. In such situations, the affected persons and those around them often seek to protect one another from what they consider a “cruel reality.” However, only if you and your loved one acknowledge that one of you is not far from the end of life's journey, can you walk together until the end. When you can do this, you will both realize that there are still many things for you to share and to give to each other.

Respecting Each Other's Wishes about Information

Be prepared that everyone, no matter if you are patient or relative, will react differently when being confronted with terminal illness. Some will need to know everything. Some will go through a phase of denial first. Some will try to protect others including the patient, other relatives, or children by withholding information. Others might claim that everyone ought to know as much as possible. In situations like these, it might help to remember as a patient that this is your body and your life. As a relative please do not forget the terminally ill person has the right to make the decision about how much he or she wants to know. It might help both of you to have an open conversation with a doctor you trust about how much information to share.

Embracing Honesty

Although many will not know how to respond at first to the other person's fears, worries, or even hopes it might help the two of you to be realistic. Generally, if you explain yourself in words your relative can understand, you give him or her the chance to understand and cope. In many cases, you will even find that you are not alone with your feelings. Once you have talked about them there can be a sense of relief on both sides.

Sharing Emotions

You will find it to be a great relief if you allow each other to express your feelings freely. It is not helpful if you try to hide your emotions from one another. Sharing emotions openly can be a unique experience. It can bind you together and give you comfort and strength. At times like these, it is important to avoid criticizing each other or setting expectations of how the other person should react.

Coping with Emotional Chaos

During your time together, you will face mixed emotions. These can be so intense that you might react impulsively or even inadequately. It is important to know that this can happen to anybody. If either of you feels the need for professional help to cope, please talk to your physician. He or she will advise you where to find support.

Finding Hope

Even when you are terminally ill you can be aware of things you can enjoy despite your limitations. You might like being outside, visiting with your family, being pain-free, or being able to spend some time at home. Take time to sit back and ponder together what helped you in the past and what could be a helpful experience for you now. Set achievable goals, such as a short walk outside, a restful night, or a visit with friends that both of you will enjoy.

Walking Together

Many compare sharing the last part of life to taking a journey together. If you are not sure about where the journey goes and how to talk about it, try the following sentences as “starters” for your conversation: “How do you feel about how things should happen?” “What do you think about where we should go from here?” Such starters can help you to enter into an open conversation about each other's ideas. For example, an important topic is how to get care if the terminally ill person should require assistance around the clock—caregivers at home, hospital support, or a nursing center? It might be reassuring to talk about such issues before you face the situation. Also, do not forget you can get advice from health care professionals you both trust. In addition, if you talk about these things early you can take your time to decide together which solution will suit both of you best.

Conclusion

We hope that these thoughts will help you to find the courage to talk candidly about difficult topics you and your loved one will face when a life is about to end. Sharing feelings openly gives you a chance to cope with each other's emotions. It can deepen your mutual trust and understanding. On the other hand, the need and willingness for an open conversation may vary with time and situations. Please, do not press each other but respect the other person's wishes. Even if you acknowledge with your head that death is a part of life, the heart might still need time to cope—and can only do so in small doses.