Abstract
As a psychotherapist, Megan Devine thought she knew a lot about grief. She had worked with countless individuals in difficult situations and prided herself as someone proficient in emotional literacy. However, it was not until Devine's partner died in a random drowning accident that she began to understand that none of the skills she had learned or practiced during her professional life could prepare her for what was to come when she herself experienced profound grief. In It's OK That You're Not OK, Devine uses her own experiences to serve as a guide for others who are grieving, as well as those who are supporting a loved one through a loss. Through unpacking the harmful ways that grief is handled in our culture, Devine suggests a new way of thinking about and working through grief that acknowledges pain and attempts to decrease suffering.
Devine writes that our culture sees grief “as a kind of malady: a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible.” When seeking support after the death of her partner, she only found resources for how to “move on” or “fix” the pain she was feeling. In our culture, she states, we “demand a happy ending,” a silver lining to a tragedy. Devine posits that our culture only has two options in our model of grief: either the griever is “stuck” in pain, or “triumphs over grief,” coming back even better than before. She suggests that the solution to our culture's “on/off” switch of grief is a “third path,” a way to “tend to pain and grief by bearing witness.” The bulk of this book attempts to help readers reach that third path by connecting with others through a variety of stories, quotes, and exercises.
It's OK That You're Not OK reads like a letter from a friend, acknowledging the pain of the reader's loss. The chapters are short, making it an easy read for those in the early stages of grief when concentrating is difficult. In fact, Devine spends a fair amount of time discussing the experience of early grief and its devastating effects on the body and mind. Using her own story as an example, she runs through the overwhelming list of tasks that grievers must do after a death: arrange burial services, tell others about the death, and do the difficult work of reframing life after a loss. She describes vividly that “innocuous” things like how going to the grocery store can be loaded. It can cause you to confront the reality of your loved one's death as you reorder the most basic aspects like shopping and juggling meeting others with whom you have to choose what/how to share. This intimate look at her own early experience proves to be one of the most unique and interesting aspects of this book.
Devine's discussion of the things that people say to grievers is also particularly poignant. Anyone who has suffered a loss knows about all the strange, unhelpful, and downright hurtful things that people in our lives can say when faced with a friend or acquaintance in pain. She writes that our culture has a “backlog of grief,” because we do not talk about it. When a person loses a loved one, she says, it is almost like a “portal opens,” and others feel that they have permission to talk about their own pain, which effectively turns the focus “off supporting [the griever] and onto their needs getting met.” Devine points out that our culture's discomfort with witnessing pain in others leads us to perpetually offer up platitudes to the grieving. Devine asserts that within statements such as “At least you had her as long as you did” or “He died doing something he loved,” there is an implicit second half of the sentence, which is “so stop feeling so bad.”
Although this book is aimed at a general audience, it might be best received by people who have faced the death of an adult from a chronic illness. It is for these caregivers, oftentimes, that the inside feelings of relief that the loved one is no longer suffering come into most stark contrast with the outside world's perception of what the griever must be feeling. These individuals could benefit from many of Devine's suggested exercises, such as expressing emotions through creative writing and visual art. Although palliative care providers are not strangers to the experience of grief, Devine's descriptions of her experiences can help providers validate the feelings among patients and families that our society can be difficult to navigate during times of grief. In addition, providers could use some of Devine's exercises to help sufferers—such as keeping a log of settings and times in which they are feeling better or worse. Lastly, the appendix features a thoughtful article of Devine's entitled “How to Help a Grieving Friend,” of which providers could make their patients and families aware.
Finding a book that resonates in the wake of grief is hard. Devine steps up to the challenge with It's OK That You're Not OK, which is no doubt affirming to those who are grieving and realizing our cultural flaws when it comes to these issues. Devine's advice can definitely be appreciated by grievers, but there were sections that were repetitive and longer than necessary. Although there were a fair number of stories from her own grief and quotations from individuals in Devine's “writing grief” class, the book could have been stronger had Devine used more examples from her own life or from other grievers she knew. This book encourages us to tell and share our stories helping let grief come to light and pain be eased with connection.