Abstract
While research has focused on the challenges of parenting children of toddler or preschool age, or of children with specific conditions, there is a paucity of research exploring parents’ experiences of the challenges of parenting early adolescents. This research explored mothers’ experience of the challenges in parenting their early adolescent children. Thematic analysis of semi-structured interviews with eight mothers indicate that the mothers experienced early adolescence as a period of significant change and challenge for their children and themselves. They framed “good” mothers as those who actively supported their children, prioritized their children’s needs over their own, and disguised their negative emotions. Mothers reported feelings of guilt and failure at falling below perceived parenting standards. Lack of partner and school support and understanding and time constraints were identified as exacerbating factors. This research contributes to a greater understanding of mothering experiences and offers important implications for the support of adolescents and their mothers.
While parenting has been described as a fulfilling experience, it may also be challenging and psychologically distressing (Evenson & Simon, 2005; Nelson et al., 2013). Research has highlighted the association of parenting stress with adverse outcomes for children (including behavioral problems and internalizing symptoms) (Neece et al., 2012; Rodriguez, 2011). However, there has been less emphasis on parents’ experiences of the challenges of parenting, with the exception of those associated with parenting children with specific conditions (such as childhood illnesses or developmental disorders) or stressful circumstances (such as parents’ illness or economic hardship) (Hall & Graff, 2010; Hiebert-Murphy et al., 2012; Venkataraman & Ackerson, 2008). However, parents of children with “typical” development may also experience challenges in their parenting, which may impact both themselves, and their children (Foster et al., 2007; Rodriguez, 2011). This may be the case even under what might be considered ideal circumstances (e.g., privileged economic context), suggesting that parenting stress does not exclusively affect populations more typically considered as high risk or those having specific physical and psychological conditions (Mazur, 2006).
One factor which may influence parents’ experience of their challenges is the child’s age, as different developmental stages may entail specific needs and pose unique challenges for parents (Kwon et al., 2013). Indeed, the majority of parenting stress research in the normative sample has been focused on parenting challenges (such as specific demands) in relation to toddlers and preschoolers (Kwon et al., 2013; Mazur, 2006; Williford et al., 2007) as well as some which explores the challenges of parenting adolescents/late adolescents (14–19 years) who are confronting developmental challenges such as learning to drive, intimate relationships, vocational preparation, and substance use (Meier et al., 2018).
In contrast, early adolescence, typically the middle/intermediate school years, spanning from Years 7–8, has received little research attention and has been described as a “forgotten” period in a review published by the New Zealand Ministry of Education (Dinham & Rowe, 2009). And yet these years constitute a transitional period in development, with early adolescence (aged 11–13) representing a time of significant psychosocial, cognitive, physical, emotional, and systematic change (Michael & Young, 2014).
The developmental theory of Erikson (1963) postulated that early adolescents face the task of learning new skills valued by society. If successfully resolved, this leads to a sense of industry rather than inferiority and incompetence. Early adolescents also face questions around their identity, including their sexual identity, as they confront the physical changes of puberty (Kroger, 2000). They may also become more emotionally vulnerable (Michael & Young, 2014; Rishel, 2007), along with cognitive shifts toward thinking more abstractly, hypothetically, and logically (Urdan & Klein, 1998). Affiliating, relationships, and dependency on peers and subsequent peer influence become more salient also (Brown & Larson, 2009; Steinberg & Silverberg, 1986).
These psychosocial changes coincide with systemic changes, including transitioning from a primary to a more senior school setting. In New Zealand, 46% of students in this age group move from primary to what are termed, “intermediate” schools (Years 7 and 8) and 12% move to secondary schools which accommodate students from Year 7 to Year 13 (Durling et al., 2010). Children face new demands such as adjusting to potentially different peer groups, losing previous school-based support systems, coordinating assessment tasks from a greater number of teachers, and the shift from being among the oldest students to the youngest (Dinham & Rowe, 2009). Although many children manage these changes successfully, a significant proportion become increasingly disengaged in and develop negative perceptions of school (Durling, 2007). In New Zealand, suspension, absenteeism, and exclusion from school are common during intermediate school years, with the sharp increase of suspension rates beginning at age 11 (Durling, 2007; Durling et al., 2010; Ng, 2006). International studies similarly highlight the risk of dropout in these years (Balfanz, 2007).
In the context of these changes, the parent–child relationship may also differ from parent–younger child relationships in that early adolescents and parents spend less time together, and their interactions are marked by fewer affective exchanges and less trust and communication (Nickerson & Nagle, 2005). As children start to differentiate their own interests, attitudes, and needs from those of their parents, their ties to their parents may loosen, and they may increase their reliance on peers (Kroger, 2000). Furthermore, the conflict between child and parent during this period contributes to parenting stress (Anderson, 2008). Although many families are able to negotiate these relationship changes, this period can challenge the emotional resources of even well-functioning families and cause stress for parents (Luthar & Ciciolla, 2016; Putnick et al., 2010).
This study aims to address the gap in research of parents of this significant developmental stage by exploring their experiences of parenting challenges. It is hoped that the results will contribute to providing effective counseling and support for parents of early adolescents. In order to work most effectively with families, as primary prevention or as intervention, it is important for counselors to understand and be sensitive to parents’ unique challenges during this period and implement services based on areas of challenges and needs.
Methods
Procedure and Recruitment
Participants were recruited through posters displayed in public spaces, social media, or parent newsletters of eight intermediate schools and through snowball sampling. Interested participants contacted the primary researcher who provided an information sheet. Eligibility criteria included being the biological parent of a child in intermediate school aged 11–13 years, currently living with their partner and the child, and that the child not having any preexisting psychological or physical condition. Ethics approval was obtained.
Participants
Eight participants, all female and identifying as European New Zealander, took part in the research. Seven participants were aged between 40 and 50 years and one participant was 55. All participants were married, three had full-time jobs and five worked part-time. Five participants had tertiary-level education, and two had secondary school-level education.
All had at least one early adolescent child, of which four were male and five were female. Three had a further two children, three had three children, and two had six children. Four of the adolescents were the youngest child in the family, two were the oldest, one was the middle child, and two were twins.
Interviews
Data were collected by means of semi-structured interviews with questions centering on the primary parenting challenges experienced. Interviews took approximately 1 hour and were audio recorded and transcribed verbatim.
Analysis
Transcribed data were analyzed thematically, following the six phases of thematic analysis by Braun and Clarke (2006). This involved the first author reading and rereading the data and assigning initial codes and generating possible themes. In the second stage, the first and second authors reviewed and discussed the codes, how they related to themes, and reviewed and redefined the codes. Data extracts illustrating themes were selected and reviewed, and a final report was produced.
Results
Theme 1: A Period of Significant Change
Participants identified this age-group as characterized by significant change both for their children and themselves.
With respect to their children, participants discussed numerous developmental changes occurring during these years. As Anna commented “They just change
Participants talked about the children’s challenges of transitioning from primary to intermediate school including the change of environment and in relationships with teachers and peers. For instance, Anna said: Primary school was a nice, familiar environment…[Now] they have to change classrooms, they have different teachers, that’s not the same consistency…the transitioning, getting her there at the first day, dealing with the fact that it was a lot bigger school,…I wouldn’t say traumatic, but really anxiety-provoking…
Participants also talked about changes in children’s previous compliant behavior. For Tania, this was a sudden change: It’s challenging because he has been such a good kid. We’ve been so lucky. We’ve never had any issues with him…all of a sudden he turns into this—not a demon child, but—not a very nice boy, and it’s like, whoa! They’re trying to be a bit cool, they’re learning how to be independent and they practice on parents to see how far they can push and what they can get away with, whereas—definitely when he was younger…didn’t really answer back. You don’t always get to hear all the stories or what’s going on. You ask, “How was your day?” “good”…it’s a shift definitely from the primary school days where they’re much more want to tell you about what happened and they’re much more forthcoming with information, whereas they definitely have started pulling away more.
Changes in their children were associated with parental anxiety about their children’s well-being and future. Anna said: I was quite emotional, almost scared in some ways…worried for her: is she going to be alright?…How is she going to find her place…it was just that constant, “Is she going to be alright?”
Some participants talked about the conflict they felt in facilitating their children’s independence, seeing “letting go” as necessary but conflicting with other responsibilities such as protecting and caring for their children. Judy commented “There’s more of a tension now between trying to encourage your children into that independence, and then just the stress of living in a really unhealthy, not safe society.”
Kate spoke of the difficulty in that, You know that they’re going to make mistakes and they’re going to do things that they shouldn’t. But you just have to know that everybody has to learn that way and grow. But it is hard not to do everything for them. I love my children. I love spending time with them…because they really are my life and I’m so interested in them. I really do want to know who they hang out with at lunch time and what they did and how the teacher was—I’m interested because I’m interested in them and it’s not always reciprocated…I’m not their whole world anymore…sometimes I feel a bit sad. It’s really upsetting because it’s quite hard to stop…You feel really sorry for him because he gets quite upset…I just felt like crying…it’s something we can’t quite resolve there and then.
Theme 2: The Responsibility to be a “Good Parent” in the Modern Age
Participants described parenting early adolescents as a tough job and a huge responsibility. For example, Judy described it as “complicated,” and “very challenging,” and Sally commented that “it’s a very, very tough job…I do feel a sense of responsibility that that’s part of my job.”
Some participants gave specific examples of the responsibility that they felt in preparing early adolescents for the “outside world”:
Anna spoke of, “…trying to make them into healthy young women.”
And Sally said that, “To send them out into the world as confident, independent people: it’s a massive job…it’s because it’s such a very, very important job to mould human beings.”
This type of responsibility was contrasted with the more “physical” or practical responsibility assumed in earlier years, as reflected by Judy: “The physical demands of the parenting have changed…it’s more about being an ongoing emotional support, encourager, mentor, and those sorts of things.”
The responsibility was sometimes experienced as, “a bit of a weight…You have to let some things go.”(Sally)
Being a “good” parent, however, was also seen as including a need to prioritize their children’s needs over their own and suppressing their own feelings for the benefit of their children. Sally’s commented It’s very overwhelming sometimes, and you think you are failing all the time, but you just have to suck it up…I just remember that I’m the parent and that actually it is my job to be a tough person…it’s much more important that they do well. I feel quite upset when he tells me that, but I try not to show it…you have to be on top of your game and it doesn’t matter how sick or tired you are, you still have to keep some things up and that is hard. I was more worried about the other mum and the other child because I felt I had a child that was overly competitive and overly sensitive and a bad sport…So that was hard. I was really embarrassed. To be honest, I know it sounds terrible, but I don’t really talk to my family about it…there was an awful lot of judgments there…people are really quick to point the finger. They really love to tell you what you’re doing wrong.
Sometimes, I find this means I’ve been doing this wrong…you think, “Ugh, I’ve been doing it wrong for years” or somehow, somewhere, there’s this perfect parent who does everything correctly: Feeds their children, gives them enough exercise, makes sure they are safe and secure but independent. Children today are just a bit more worldly because of the Internet…So, [my daughter] said that she’s gay and that she likes girls…I probably didn’t even know what this was when I was her age, never at age 11 or 12! They want to talk to me about it and I find it quite difficult…I’m glad that they talk to us about it and that they’re open, and they’re happy to share. I just find those discussions uncomfortable…the whole gender fluidity…I’m thinking, why don’t you just talk to your friends about it [laughing] because I’m finding it quite difficult. It’s quite hard to know how to parent in the technology age…there were no computers when we were at school…what was the Internet? That was just this weird thing that I didn’t use until university. That’s quite difficult when you’re told, particularly when they are little, to limit screen time and how bad it is for them, and now you send them to school with that device, and then they are supposed to come home and work on their devices all day. These kids are young and we just have to be very wary of how our kids accept it…some kid might take it fine and laugh, but another kid might go home and cry and just be really down and get depressed about it. So social media is a big, big thing…I’m worried. We just have to be very aware.
Theme 3: Systemic Challenges: Lack of Support and Time
Participants spoke of a number of factors that added to the challenges of parenting early adolescents. These included disagreeing with their spouses’ parenting or the effect of their spouses’ behavior on their child:
Rachael commented: I guess the stress was often—probably the tension between my husband and I, because I was worried he was too tough…I used to see it in action and just think that must be so awful for [my son] to have to listen to that anger or that tone.
Complicating this perceived lack of support from their partners, mothers also talked about schools not being responsive to the needs of children during this period. Sophie, for example, talked about the school failing to acknowledge children’s emotional vulnerability at this age: …two teachers had cornered [my daughter] and without any support…one of the adults didn’t even remember it, like it wasn’t even a big deal to her…but for [my daughter], it was huge. This was a big problem. …it’s about a teacher or an adult, who isn’t behaving well…using power, in an inappropriate way to maintain control. And I think, that’s been an area that has been a challenge, because you know they’re actually forming their own identity…seems to be adults don’t quite get it.
Judy similarly highlighted this point: My daughter doesn’t have a very special relationship with her teacher…so that makes me sad. Because actually, teachers, your school experience is a huge part of shaping [you]. They are other adults who are having an influence, for good, you hope, on your kids. …[this] is what happens when they get to intermediate. They just dump it on the child and the child has to manage it…really it’s very different. Once they get to intermediate, that’s not the same as when they’re in primary school. You don’t see the teacher.
Although mothers felt the need to provide their children with opportunities, they also discussed the additional pressure created by employment outside the home. Sophie reflected “…I think it’s just work really. But the thing is you kind of have to make those choices, because if I didn’t work…then we wouldn’t live where we live.”
Discussion
In this study, early adolescence was described as a period of significant change, presenting challenges for young people but also their mothers who wanted to be good parents. Mothers felt challenged by their children’s increased behavioral autonomy and emotional withdrawal and subsequent parent–child relationship changes. Separation–individuation theory by Blos (1967) and development theory by Marcia (1983) explain children’s separation from their parents as a central task at this stage of development. The transformation in the parent–child relationship may however be experienced as anxiety-provoking for parents (Putnick et al., 2010), who wish to continue to be good parents and respond appropriately to the needs of their children. The needs of early adolescents were held by the mothers in this study to be particularly significant in terms of shaping later outcomes, and indeed, such concerns may be warranted when considering research which suggest that children’s low self-esteem at early adolescence predicted suicidal ideation and problem eating in later years (McGee & Williams, 2000) and that more engaged maternal time with adolescents is related to fewer delinquent behaviors (Milkie et al., 2015).
Participants were also challenged around responding to “modern age” parenting issues, such as children’s increased awareness of issues related to sexuality, and their increased access and use of technology, findings which are also reflected in other research which suggests that parents of early adolescents are more likely to be concerned about their children’s internet use than parents of older children (Mitchell et al., 2005; Rosen et al., 2008; Sorbring, 2014).
The changes of this period and the accompanying reduction in mothers’ involvement and influence challenged participants’ perceived ability to be good mothers. Pederson (2016) argues that modern mothers are faced with contradictory demands of being a good mother: while they should “produce” independent adults and not be “overprotective,” they should also provide intensive support for their children. This was highlighted by the participants when discussing their conflict between facilitating independence and being involved with and supporting their children. The difficulty of navigating through these two competing ideologies were also discussed by mothers of adolescents in the study by Elliott et al. (2015)
In our study, mothers also discussed their perception that they needed to be consistently emotionally stable to be good mothers, which they seemed to regard as including a need to disguise their own negative emotions. Researchers have conceptualized this combined set of parenting standards (i.e., parenting as emotionally intense and ultimately fulfilling, child centered, and time/energy-intensive) as a relatively recent cultural phenomenon termed “good mother,” “new momism,” or “intensive parenting” (Douglas & Michaels, 2005; Hays, 1996; Matley, 2020; Nomaguchi & Milkie, 2020), ideals which may often be promoted by media and be impossible to achieve.
Indeed, the perceived pressure to be a good mother may bring about increased parental responsibility (Shirani et al., 2012) which may be detrimental to both mothers’ and children’s well-being. Participants in our study talked about self-criticism, feelings of guilt and failure, and perceived judgement from others. This is consistent with previous research which hypothesizes that these expectations place parents into competition, with parents feeling that they are being monitored and judged by one another in relation to their parenting (Douglas & Michaels, 2005; Shirani et al., 2012). Further research suggests that the incongruence between these high standards and reality undermines parents’ confidence and may lead to increased guilt, anxiety and depression, low satisfaction with self and with life, and lower parental adjustment (Gunderson & Barrett, 2017; Lee et al., 2012; Rizzo et al., 2013; Shirani et al., 2012; Sutherland, 2010). Furthermore, aspects of intensive parenting, such as parents’ suppressing and masking of emotions, have also been associated with lower levels of children’s general emotion recognition skills (Castro et al., 2015; Dunsmore et al., 2009), which suggests that these ideals may have negative outcomes for both parents and their children.
According to Winnicott (1953), children need parents who show both failure and success and are not perfect. Theory of the “good enough” mother by Winnicott (1953) argues that paradoxically being “perfect” and never “failing” is not desirable and beneficial for children and instead that the mother’s imperfections and “failure” can help the child learn to adapt to external imperfect realities. There is thus a need to challenge and resist the assumptions of “intensive mothering” discourses in the interests of positive outcomes for both parents and their children.
Systemic factors further exacerbated mothers’ challenges in this study and required addressing. For example, mothers’ dissatisfaction with schools’ unresponsiveness presented a significant challenge and may be understood in light of their perception of children’s increased need for support during this period. The critical and rapid changes of early adolescence coincide with systemic changes involving unfamiliar schools, peers, and teachers. In the context of such changes, children’s academic performance and engagement with school often decline and their perception of aspects of teaching and learning may become increasingly negative (Durling et al., 2010; Ng, 2006). Schools as well as parent–school partnerships may play important protective roles in children’s lives (Eccles & Harold, 1993; Hill & Tyson, 2009; Marchant et al., 2001), and yet findings from this and previous research suggest that parental involvement with school tends to decline at this age (Hill & Tyson, 2009). This may suggest a need for enhanced collaboration between parents and schools.
Lack of partner support and recognition of the needs of children during this period also increased mothers’ sense of parenting responsibility. Shirani et al. (2012) similarly reported that the fathers in their study did not seem to experience the pressures of being a good parent in the same way as mothers. The authors concluded that this may mean that mothers’ concerns are not validated by their partners, resulting in mothers facing feeling undermined. Study by Daminger (2019) also found that although mothers carry a heavier cognitive labor such as anticipating and supervising needs and decision-making, their effort is often not recognized by their partners. This could be a reflection of a good mothering norm in which the parent in heterosexual relationships primarily responsible for childcare, and ensuring children’s adequate development is the mother (Baker, 2010; Collett, 2005; Douglas & Michaels, 2005; Sutherland, 2010). Henderson et al. (2016) argue, in this era of intensive mothering, not only has the gender equality in relation to motherhood been hindered but also it has gone backward, and again, these dominant norms need to be challenged.
Participants also discussed the challenges of time pressure stemming from mothers’ work and the need to balance this with children’s activities. This is consistent with previous findings (Kwon et al., 2013; Milkie et al., 2019), including those of a New Zealand survey showing that finding time for their children was rated as one of the most challenging aspects of parenting (Robertson, 2006). While mothers in this study struggled with balancing work and family commitments, they nonetheless felt a responsibility, as good mothers, to provide their children with educational and other opportunities. Hays (1996) has reflected on the fundamental contradiction that while many contemporary mothers work outside of the home, society standards of good mothering continue to demand that mothers devote their resources to promote their children’s optimal development. Study of New Zealand parents by Baker (2010) suggests that integrating work and parenting are more complex for mothers than fathers due to the ideas about good mothering, which are seen to encompass intensive physical presence and emotional support. Taken all together, as Nomaguchi and Milklie (2020) assert “investigating social patterns in how parenthood and parenting affect adults’ well-being is imperative to create supports that allow parents to thrive” (p. 198).
Implications for Theory and Practice
The results of this study have implications for both family theory and practice. Firstly, in terms of practice, our results suggest a need for counselors to support parents, particularly mothers, through acknowledging, validating and normalizing the challenges of parenting of early adolescents, and assisting them to focus on their own well-being in addition to that of their children. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which encourages the recognition and acceptance of the inevitability of challenges in life, alongside strategies to promote psychological flexibility in the face of such challenges and committed action in the pursuit of meaningful goals related to personal values (Harris, 2006), may offer a way forward in this regard.
Secondly and relatedly, psychoeducation about the experiences of the challenges of this period and normalization is called for and may help counteract the pressure on mothers to attempt to meet unrealistic expectations and idealized depictions of good parents and thus help mitigate the potential negative impact such as parenting stress, parental guilt, parenting adjustment, self-efficacy, and confidence (Giesselmann et al., 2018; Rizzo et al., 2013).
Given the importance of systemic factors highlighted in this study, counselors should also consider offering a more systemic and holistic approach drawing on systems theory by including both spouses/partners as well as working alongside schools. As Luthar and Ciciolla (2016) assert, given that many mothers find mothering early adolescence, the most challenging years across children’s developmental stages, there is a need to focus on preventative interventions for mothers, helping them prepare and manage the forthcoming stressors, as children approach this developmentally challenging years of early adolescence.
It is also important to note that changing intensive parenting practice goes beyond individual mothers reconsidering their approach to parenting, receiving support, or lowering their standards (Henderson et al., 2016). This is because this concept has gone beyond individual practice and has become a public ideology that has also been shaping social policies (Elliot & Bowen, 2018) and impact even those mothers who do not fully subscribe to intensive parenting ideology (Henderson et al., 2016). Hence, this shift would need to be obtained collectively, by addressing clinicians’ practice, media portrayals of motherhood, policy and legalization in relation to parental leave, child and family support systems, and economic inequalities and insecurities that may strengthen this discourse.
Limitations and Further Research
This study drew on a small sample of eight mothers. While attempts were initially made to recruit fathers and the research was not limited to those in heterosexual relationships, only mothers in heterosexual relationships participated. The lack of fathers’ participation may reflect previous findings suggesting that mothers are more likely to take the primary caregiver role and therefore may have been more involved with parenting resources (i.e., schools’ newspapers) that published the research poster. Future research should thus aim to include a larger and more heterogenous sample. In addition to recruiting fathers to offer a gender-based perspective on intensive parenting and the challenges of parenting this age-group, it should also reflect the experience of more diverse family forms including single-parent families and same-sex parent families. Furthermore, research could explore the effect of family variables such as number of children, child gender, and birth order of the target child. Finally, future research should also explore experiences, the relevance of the good parenting culture in other social or cultural groups of parents and among fathers.
Footnotes
Authors’ Note
Ethics approval was obtained from the Auckland University of Technology Ethics Committee (AUTEC Reference number 17/104).
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
